01x08 - Spades Night

[bunniefuu]

You know, it's actually very difficult
to eat a crepe like this.

But getting to hold hands
with a snack like you, so worth it.

I have gift for you.

- What?
- It's very, very rare.

And it took me so much effort to acquire.

Just hope it's not too much.

- What is it?
- A strawberry Kit Kat.

Only made in Japan.

- They're your favorite, right?
- Yes!

That is so insanely hot.

Well, if you miss me this weekend,
look at this Kit Kat and think of me.

That's so sweet, but I'm gonna eat this
the second you're gone.

Well, I'll think of you when I'm in Paris
for my mother's birthday.

Someday I'd like to meet
your family as well.

Family is very important.

- Are you able to see them a lot?
- Not really.

I actually grew up in San Bernardino.
Most of my family is still there.

That's not too far.
You must get to see them all the time.

Yeah, I try.

But, I mean, you know how it is.

Traffic, schedules, daylight savings time.

So…

I love the way you trail off.
There is an incredible grace to it.

I must go.

Thank you so much for meeting me halfway.

My pleasure. I've never been to Montreal.

And I know I've only been here
for 80 minutes,

but it seems like it's very beautiful.

Enjoy Paris.

Enjoy LA.

You see it?

That looks like a dairy zit to me.

Are you putting ice cream
in your cereal again?

When it melts,
it's the same as milk, baby.

You know that.

Will you hold on a second, Tanya?
I need to relocate.

- Can't be caught sitting next to a snake.
- Whatever.

They called Taylor Swift a snake too,

and it only made her stronger.

Okay, let's get started. I really...

Sorry, sorry, sorry, guys.

I brought treats
to make up for being so late.

"Late"?
You haven't been here for four days.

Yeah, I'm sorry. I lost track of time.

You'd lose track of time too
if you had a hot French guy.

Cousin Molly's booed up.

Well, I guess I am, Howard.

I guess I am "booed up."

Well, something's going around,
and it's called love.

Arthur was telling me

about the romantic weekend
he has planned with Chelsea.

And I wanted to tell you all
before I told my parents…

I'm engaged.

Arthur, tell us more about this trip.

It's nothing, really.

We're hitting up a wine tasting
in Temecula.

No, come on. Don't make that sound.

We're staying at a La Quinta Inn.

Our room faces the parking lot.

It's really not that big of a deal.

Well, I think it's wonderful that
we all have such vibrant personal lives.

Okay, I'll go next.

Last night, I completed my menopause.

- Thank you.
- Congratulations, Rhonda.

- You said you wanted to talk to me?
- Yeah, come in.

Okay, now,
if this is about the fridge space,

the reason why I keep
my bike helmet in there is

so it's cold when I put it on.

Oh, no, it's not about that. Come in.

I've been doing some thinking
about our family. All our cousins.

How's everyone doing?

You know, same old, same old.

Yeah, I kinda miss everyone, you know?

The last few years,
I got trapped in John's bubble,

and… I lost touch with everybody.

Nah, we know how busy you are.

And, plus, everyone still ask about you.

Even Renee?

Well, you know Renee.
She's a tough cookie.

But inside that cookie is

an even tougher cookie
that's impossible to bite into.

Yeah, Renee and I used to be
so close when we were little,

and she and I just haven't spoken
since I missed her wedding.

Hey, does she still host spades night
at her house?

Yeah, of course.
There's actually one tonight.

Hey, do you think it would be cool
if I stopped by and said hi to everyone?

Are you serious?
Yes, of course. It would be so cool.

Are you sure? I don't want to impose.

Girl, "impose"? It's your family.

Plus, I'll be there to protect you
from any shade, you know?

You'll be my Baby Yoda,
and I'll be your Mandalorian.

That would be so fun.

I don't know who those people are though.

You don't know Grogu?

- Din Djarin?
- No.

Okay, well, we gotta fix that.

I mean, I can drive us out there,
get you up-to-date on the family,

and we can watch both seasons
of The Mandalorian on eight-times speed.

Okay. I really appreciate it, Howard.

Course.

Although, I'm pretty sure my car won't

make it up that big hill to your house,

so I'm gonna need you to walk down
to the El Pollo Loco and meet me.

- Yeah, sure.
- See you tonight.

See you tonight.

What is El Pollo Loco?

Thanks for picking that up.

Just throw it in the back.
I'll have to pay you back later.

Okay.

Oh, my God. Is that a lizard?

Yeah, that's Jessica.
I've told you about her before.

Jessica's a lizard?

Okay, that story you told me about her
before makes way more sense now.

- Let me get you updated on the family.
- Okay.

- Cousin Kelly's gay, but not out yet.
- Okay.

She goes to Yosemite a lot
with her "roommate," Courtney.

- We are very happy for them.
- Okay.

And Uncle James,
he finally got on the Internet,

so now he thinks seltzer causes cancer.

Any intel on Renee?

I had an idea about that.

Open up the glove box.

It's us at Auntie Mabel's Easter egg hunt.

We must be in kindergarten.

Just two cuties holding hands, being cute.

That'll melt Renee's cold heart.

Now close that glove box.
You letting Jessica's crickets out.

Hey. I have a delivery for Sofia Salinas?

Okay.

- Yeah, just set it right there.
- Cool.

Appreciate it.

- That's different.
- Yeah.

- Should we read that tiny little card?
- I don't know.

Sofia is the most private person
I've ever met.

I didn't even know
her last name was Salinas

until two years into knowing her.

I don't know.
We're on some shaky moral ground here.

All right, calm down, Pippi Longstocking.
It's fine.

"To my dearest Fi-fi. I crave your touch."

- Does it really say that?
- Yeah.

- Who are those flowers for?
- You. Maybe. We didn't look.

Flowers, Jalen? Seriously?
You're gonna have to do better than that.

It was my birthday three months ago.

What do you expect for me to feel?

Okay. We should probably go home
and give her some privacy.

Yeah. I'm right behind you.

"I crave your touch"? The only thing…

Yeah, I just...
I lost something here at my desk,

so I just... I gotta probably sit down
and look for it…

- Yeah, I'll help you look.
- …for a little bit.

- Okay, here we go.
- Gonna do great.

You're brave. You're strong.
And you're love.

- And this is your family.
- That's right.

Is that what you're wearing?

What?

Howard.

Molly. Long time no see.

Hi, Renee. Thank you so much
for letting me stop by tonight.

Well, come on in.
You're gonna let the cats out.

Yes.

Very natural.

Hey, everybody. Look who I brought.

- Hi!
- Hey!

Oh, my God, Cheryl.

You look so beautiful.

You look good too, Molly.

Your skin's glowing. What's your secret?

I drink lots of water
and take five naps a day.

- Uncle James.
- Oops, there she is. Hollywood.

Now, Uncle James, you know I have nothing
to do with the entertainment industry.

Then how come I saw your divorce
on Access Hollywood, Hollywood?

You got me there.

Hey, Molly.

- Hey.
- It's nice seeing you again.

This is my roommate, Courtney.

Yes. Hi, Courtney.

Kelly. Yay.

Wonderful allyship.

Thank you.

Rickety-ass table.

Renee.

I have something I want to show you.

It's a picture of us from way back when.

Weren't we so cute?

So, you saying I'm not cute anymore?

What? No.

Oh, no. You're very cute.

No, I was...

I was just showing it, you know,

to show how close we were
when we were kids.

So you're also saying I'm old?

I don't... No.

No.

The picture was Howard's idea.

Howard, is that true?

I've never seen that photo before
in my life.

What? It was in your glove box.

You know what? Renee doesn't wanna talk
about this anymore.

Renee wants to play cards.

Okay. She just went into the third person.

That is not a good sign.
Can I talk to you for a sec?

- I am not happy with you.
- Why you mad at me?

What the hell was that?
You totally sold me out.

What do you mean? You sold me out first.

I can't have Renee mad at me.

She's my lizard-sitter
when I'm out of town.

You were supposed to protect me.

You were going to be my "Mungalorian."

I don't know why I thought that old photo
would work. Renee's not Ken Burns.

She's an assistant manager
at a Food 4 Less.

Her heart is made of stone.

Okay, let's just move on. All right?

How do I bounce back?

- Okay, I think I got a plan.
- Yeah?

I think it's gonna work.

- I'ma go to the store and get some ice…
- Okay.

…and you're on your own.

What?

This is an every-man-for-himself type
situation. I cannot be drug down here.

Hey, Renee. I'm gonna go get some ice.
Love you guys.

I am not giving up, Auntie Mabel.

I know we shouldn't be watching this,
but she is so compelling.

Even when she's mad.

I know. Especially when she's mad.

I would watch
a whole limited series about her.

You know, when I was younger,
I learned how to read lips

to see if my parents were talking
about me being gay or not.

I bet I could do that now.

Yes.

Okay, she's either saying
"relationship" or "ranch dip"?

I think, from context,
it's likely to be "relationship."

Okay, will you just support me right now?
I'm doing something magical.

Well, looks like the show's over.

I guess I should probably go
pick up my daughter.

She's been at her friend's house
for five hours now.

Excuse me.
Do you know where I can find Sofia?

- Okay, that's gotta be Jalen, right?
- I mean, it's gotta be.

Tony, what are you doing here?

"Tony"?

Alex, honey?

Yeah, you're gonna have to stay the night
at your friend's house.

Okay, bye-bye.

Uh-uh. Don't put your drink on this table.
It'll fall off.

Come on... The shoe?

Uh-oh.

What's that song?

You remember this one, Renee.

That summer?

We listened to it over and over again
and made everybody watch us do this dance.

Hollywood!

She's still got moves.

Come on, Renee.
This is a two-person dance.

I can't do it by myself.

Unless you forgot?

I would never forget…

how to do this.

Yes!

Yeah!

We gotta stop this nonsense.
Let's play some spades.

Yes. Okay.

- What are they saying?
- I don't know. It's all gibberish.

"Dawn day velvet… Volvo."

What?

"Dawn day"?

Donde.

Ay, Dios mío, they're speaking Spanish.

But this is terrible.
I don't speak Spanish.

But I do.
I've got 30,000 XP on my Duolingo app.

Okay, you sound out what you're seeing,
and I'll translate.

Okay.

"Ron's peas stay coral zone."

- Who's Ron?
- Ron P. Ron. Cor...

Me rompiste el corazón.
He's saying, "You broke my heart."

Oh, my God. We did it. Yes.

She broke his heart.

Oh, my God, it's sad,
but it's kind of amazing what we did.

Yeah, it's very compelling.

- Shut up. They're still talking.
- Okay.

What's that?

Ready, set, here it comes. Bam!

Wait. Remember when Uncle Corey brought
a lady to a wedding

and swore she was Salma Hayek?

Yes. Oh, my God,
she looked nothing like her.

She had red hair.

Remember he used to make us
call her Auntie Salma?

Yes.

Okay.

What's going on here? We all friends now?

Renee, you're not mad anymore?

Howard, the only thing I'm mad at

is how long it took
for that damn ice to get here.

Well, isn't that just like Howard?

Always one step behind.

Yeah, I am very silly.

Although it is a little hurtful
when everyone laughs at me.

Well, I don't know why.

You should be used to it by now.

You know what? Since I'm in a better mood,
I'ma let y'all have the five-layer dip.

Yeah. Honey, this ain't for everybody.

- They won't get this.
- Yes!

Have a good night, you guys.

No, stop.
You have to tell us what's going on.

Yeah, who even were those guys?

Okay, I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to cause a scene.

"Sorry"?

This is the most interesting thing
that's ever happened in this office.

What? Greta Thunberg was here last week.

Who? That creepy Dutch girl?

I don't give a sh*t about her.
I give a sh*t about you.

I stan you so hard right now.

Yeah, if stanning is a positive thing,
then I totally agree.

You don't have to tell us every detail.
We want to make sure you're okay.

Yeah. Are you safe? Whatever.

But just talk to us.

Surprise! Look what just arrived.

- What's that?
- I got you a gift.

It's a game table
you don't have to put your shoe under.

I can put my drink on this one.

It's made out of oak,
and it even has real leather.

Feel it, Renee.

I'm not touching that.

I don't want that table in my house.

But you've been complaining
about it all night.

Come on. She's trying to be nice.

No, she's not.

She just throwing her money around
to buy us off,

'cause she knows she hasn't been around.

That's what she always does.

Okay, that's not fair.

- Yeah, Renee, she's not like that.
- Really?

Then why did she skip my wedding
to go on some fancy vacation

and then send me some fancy, dumbass,
colored lamp to make up for it?

Well, that lamp was actually
a James Turrell light installation.

Well, tell your friend James
the lamp's out back,

full of dead mosquitoes.

Money can't buy everything, Molly.

Spades night is over.

Sorry, everybody.

Maybe I shouldn't have come tonight.

No, she shouldn't have said
those things about you.

You know what I'm gonna do?

I'm gonna go in there
and give her a piece of my mind.

- No, you don't have to do that.
- No, I do.

This is for you, Baby Yoda.

If I do not come back,

I have written a comic book.
It is called Ninja College.

It is the worst thing I've ever read.
Please delete it.

Okay.

Been saving this for a special occasion.

It's an 18-year-old añejo tequila.

Eighteen years?
That probably goes down so smooth.

- Okay, so there are two men in my life.
- Yes! Love triangle. Keep going.

The first one is Tony.
He's the one who came in today. A lawyer.

Thoughtful, dependable, steady.

He also came over
and organized my kitchen pantry once.

Interesting. By function or color?

Alphabetical.

And then there's Jalen,
who brought the flowers.

He's an artist,
and he just keeps me on my toes.

We get it. He's good at sex. Continue.

But he is so unreliable.

Those flowers were for my birthday,
which was three months ago.

I just don't know who's right for me.

Oh, come on. Let's be honest.

You're gonna pick Jalen.
You're gonna pick the artist.

Well, what makes you say that?

Because he's more interesting.
He's more exciting.

You know, every day will be an adventure.
Those guys always win.

People always like choosing
the sexy rebel, Jon Bon Jovi type.

Nobody ends up choosing
the dependable guy.

I'm gonna have to disagree.

I've dated a lot of Jalens in my time,

and it's all fun and games
until one of them robs you

and pawns your watch
for a bunch of ketamine.

To be fair,
I don't think he would do that.

You never think they will,
but they always do.

Listen, Jalen sent you flowers,

but Tony's the one who cared enough
to actually show up.

Which one matters more to you
in the long run?

Yeah, you both have good points.
Dating is complicated as hell.

You know,
I'm not mad that we did this, y'all.

Wait. Who are you gonna choose?

You think I'm gonna base my decision
off of what you two told me?

No, I gotta talk
to my real friends about this.

Wait. What are they like?

None of your business.
I've shared enough tonight.

Please. Just a little bit more.
Tell us about your family.

Do you got any nieces or nephews?

Please.

Renee, you're wrong about her.
I've been working with Molly every day,

and yeah, she's not perfect,
but she's trying hard.

She's helping people.

She's a good person.

Well, if she's such a good person

then why did she skip out on my wedding
and not even tell me?

I mean,

I know a private room
at the Olive Garden isn't Majorca,

but that was the most important day
of my life.

You got divorced three days later.

That is not the point.

It's okay, Howard. She's right.

I wish I hadn't missed your wedding.

And, you know what?

I did try to buy you off.

But I didn't go to Majorca for a vacation.

You probably don't want to hear
anything I have to say,

and I totally get that.

Thank you.

I just want to be honest with you.

Right before your wedding,

I was on John's iPad,

and some texts came in from another woman.

I confronted him,

and we had a huge fight,
and I threatened to leave him.

And he talked me into going to Majorca
to try to fix things.

I told him I didn't want to go, but…

he seems to have a way
of getting everything he wants.

So we went, and…

he denied everything.

And I believed him.

Probably because I wanted to.

And that was a huge mistake…

because, of course,
you know what happened next.

- I wish you would have just told me.
- I know.

But I was embarrassed.

Everyone thought I had this perfect life.

I didn't. I knew that guy was bad news.

Never give a man too much money,
especially a nerd.

That's the worst-case scenario.

Well, you're right about that.

Well, at least you're here now.

I know it was probably hard
to come back here.

I'm glad I did.

This is so sweet. I think I'm gonna cry.

Howard, why are you still here?

I can hear the ice melting out there.
Go get it.

Yes, ma'am.

Hey, thanks for bringing me tonight.

And for everything you said about me
in there. That was really nice.

Well, I meant it.

You're working hard to make changes,
and I know it's not easy.

It's just nice to see you getting back
in touch with your roots.

- Thank you, Howard.
- Don't mention it.

You know, you're rising up the ranks.

You're my second-favorite cousin now.

What?

- Who's your first?
- Cousin Keith.

He's hilarious.

You ever see that impression he does
of the sloth from Zootopia?

- He's so slow.
- Don't do it now.

I'm sorry.

It's okay.

Arthur?

Thank you for your advice earlier.

But I've got to let you know
I think you're wrong.

I think sometimes
the dependable guy gets the girl.

You think so?

And between you and me,

I think you have more of a chance
with her than you think.

Wow.

Everything okay?

Yeah.

Yeah, everything's… great.

Well, okay, then.

I'll have you in that El Pollo Loco
in 30 minutes, coz.