01x04 - Father Reuben

[bunniefuu]

[SLOW ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]

[CHUCKLES]

- You do know this isn't a church, right?
- [CHUCKLES]

Uh, vodka and ginger ale, please.

Coming right up.

[ICE CLINKING]

Here you go.

- [HANA] There you go.
- Thank you.

[CHUCKLES] You're reading Breaking Dawn?

Oh, somebody left it here.

You know, it's pretty
confusing, actually.

A bunch of characters
just come out of nowhere.

You know there are several
books before that one, right?

Uh, I do. Yes.

Well, if you like books...

Ah, yes. The original fantasy book.

And also involves characters
coming out of nowhere.

[SCHOOL BELL RINGS]

[STUDENTS CHATTERING]

Hey.

Look at you. Next great
ceramicist in the making.

[SCOFFS] Yeah, I don't think so.

What ever happened to doing
something just because you like to?

Right.

I think it's important to know
what brings you satisfaction.

Even in the difficult times.

"Our hearts ache, but
we always have joy."

That's, uh, Corinthians ...

Yeah, the Bible.

You know what I love about the Bible?

I love how there's, like,
nothing wrong with it,

especially the part about the wives
who aren't virgins getting stoned.

It's, like... [KISSES] ... chef's kiss.

Look, I'm not trying to check
up on you. I... [STAMMERS]

Your dad said you'd
been having a tough time

this summer since the loss of Kolton.

- He told you that?
- I know you've been dealing with a lot.

And I know you also might feel like
an outsider, coming back to school.

I can think of someone else
who felt like an outsider.

If you say "Jesus," I swear to God...

I was talking about myself.

You know, when I moved to Deerfield
I f... I felt very out of place.

So why did you stay here?

And why did you come
here in the first place?

And, if you don't mind me asking,
why did you become a priest?

Uh, this is about you, Trina. My
life isn't really important here.

Really?

'Cause you're basically
like the poster boy

for the machine right now.

I mean, you must be pretty stoked.

All publicity is good publicity, right?

Although maybe not for priests.

[INHALES, EXHALES]

[DUSTY] Hmm. [CLICKS TONGUE, SIGHS]
All right.

That's not bad. That's not bad at all.

What's all the fuss about?

That... [BREATHING HEAVILY]

[SNIFFLES]

Oh, sh**t, that's hot!

Oh! [PANTING] Oh, right in the nozzies.

[PANTING CONTINUES]

Oh! [CHUCKLES] What do
they put in that? Okay.

Oh, my God, this is silly.
This is... This isn't right.

Oh. Oi yoi yoi.

[SIGHS, GROANS]

- Mmm.
- What am I looking at here?

Nothing, I was just
chomping on some hot wings.

Which I didn't mind, actually.

- Did you get a tattoo?
- [SIGHS] Well, it was... Yeah.

Surprise! It's for... It's for your mom.

- Why does it say, "I love Poo"?
- It doesn't say, "I love Poo."

- It says, "I love Poo."
- No, it's going to say, "I love Puff."

Which is what I used to call your mom.

Except, it turns out that the human ribs

are an extraordinarily
painful place to get a tattoo.

So, I had to tap out.

You could always change
it to, "I love p*ssy."

Trina.

- Unless you don't.
- Trina, don't do that.

Hey.

What's going on? Why are you shirtless?

Ah. I was just eating wings
and things got out of hand.

Dad got half a tattoo for you.

Gonna give you guys room
so you can bone it out.

Uh... Can I see?

It was meant to be a
surprise, but, um, okay.

- You ready?
- Okay. [CHUCKLES]

"I love... "

Puff!

It's gonna say, "I love Puff."

I have to go back for another
session because they ran out of ink.

Did I say something that made
you think that I wanted this?

- N... No... Not... I mean, not explicitly.
- Oh.

I just... I wanted to
do something romantic,

and something unexpected
and something that showed you

- that I loved you. [CHUCKLES]
- I love you, too.

- And this really is a surprising gesture.
- Right.

And so permanent.

That's why, I don't know,

I feel like maybe...
maybe this should be, like,

the last puffin-related
thing that you do for me.

Wha... What do you mean?

Well, you know, just in
terms of, like, puffin gifts.

And the nickname, "Puff,"
which I thought we had retired.

But, um,

it's mainly because I
only really said that

I thought they were cute one time.

- Oh, my God. [CHUCKLES]
- [CHUCKLES]

O-Okay. Uh, no.

I mean, that's... that's... that's fine.

- I'm glad you told me now.
- Yeah?

Yeah, 'cause now all we need to do is...

is to dispose of years of
utterly pointless romantic gestures,

starting with this little fella.

- Oh. Okay.
- In we go.

Maybe you don't have to
get rid of everything.

No, no, no. You're absolutely
right, baby. I mean... [SIGHS]

It's pathetic holding
on to stuff like this

just because we had
it on our first date.

- Yeah, the whole puffin thing is dead.
- Dusty.

Definitely need to lose some
of these stuffed bastards.

- You... You don't have to...
- Puffin calendar, trash.

Puffin notebook I got you
for your anniversary, trash.

I am getting hot sauce
on everything, by the way.

- Dusty.
- Puffin crackers.

Sure you wanna be done with these?

- I don't really eat those.
- Great. Done. Anything else?

There's more over here.

Yes, there... there are more
things. And they're everywhere.

But, sweetie, you don't
have to throw them away.

Baby, I'm not trying to upset you.

Oh, yeah, f*ck! No. My side.
It's... The ink is still fresh.

Oh. I don't... I don't know
what's going on with you.

Nothing is going on with me.

[SIGHS]

You said that thing
about how we should still

be able to surprise each other.

Mm-hmm.

Feels like you're the
only one doing surprises.

I mean, firstly you
get the "royalty" card,

and you keep it to yourself.

- Oh, Dusty.
- And then there's the hot wings bombshell.

And then you're suddenly
cheerleading at the basketball.

And you get a new haircut,
which is gorgeous, by the way.

Thank you.

People, because of this
machine, are quitting their jobs.

They're moving away.

They're ending their
long-term relationships

and diving into new ones willy-nilly.

- Oh, you heard.
- Heard what?

We are gathered here

at Giorgio's Italian
Restaurant and Sports Center

to celebrate the union of
Principal Patricia Burgess

and Mr. Farid Malik,

whose love has been
blessed by the grace of God.

A-And the MORPHO machine.

[ALL CHUCKLING]

[SIGHS] Oh, Farid. My love.

When I first got my "biker" potential,

I thought it was the greatest
thing that could have ever happened.

Then, when I got into my accident,
I thought it was the worst thing

that could have ever happened.

But if I hadn't have smacked my
head and gone to the hospital,

then I would have never met you.

- Haven't they known each other for years?
- [SHUSHES]

What if you hadn't have gotten
"lover" as your life potential?

Maybe you wouldn't have
stayed up with me all night.

Holding my hand. Making
sure I didn't fall asleep.

[PAT CHUCKLES]

- We talked about everything.
- [GUEST] Yeah!

And I knew, then and there, that
my true life potential was with you.

Are you sure you're not concussed?

[LAUGHING]

As these two lovebirds have
so beautifully demonstrated,

the MORPHO machine, like the
Lord, works in mysterious ways.

And one wonders if it's all
part of some grander plan

or just completely random.

Mmm. Uh, like the morpho butterfly,

Pat and Farid's love has taken flight,

and we can only hope

that they are potentially
together forever.

- [ATTENDEE] Yeah. Hear.
- [CROWD CHEERING, LAUGHING]

[CHUCKLES]

[REUBEN] Would you all
like to exchange rings?

[GASPS] Oh. We're actually
going to exchange wings.

[BOTH CHUCKLING]

Here we go.

[GIGGLES]

Wonderful.

- Hey, Father.
- Hey, Father.

- Excuse me, Father.
- You just said the machine is God,

and I know you're close to God, so...

I really don't have anything
to do with the machine.

Father, I'd love to pick your brain,
very quickly... very quickly...

about the mysteries of the universe.

- [CHUCKLES]
- I got "florist."

Now, I'm thinking
florist, flowers, petals.

Bikes have pedals. I'm a biker. So,
I'm doing the right thing, right?

- Yeah. Sorry, but...
- Excuse me, Father.

[PEOPLE, OVERLAPPING] Father.

All right, people.

How about we let Father
Reuben enjoy the party, huh?

Drinks, drinks, drinks, drinks.

- I'll take one.
- Okay.

Didn't know I would see you here.

Yeah. When Mr. Malik asked me to come,

I thought he meant as a guest, but...

So, you're enjoying this
about as much as I am?

- Oh, yeah.
- Mmm.

- Just waiting for my turn on the gondola.
- [CHUCKLES]

So, they got together a week ago,
and now they're married? That's fun.

Mmm. Yeah. Well, I don't
know. They seem very in love.

- [DUSTY] Mm-hmm.
- See how they're looking at each other.

[DUSTY] She literally can't
move her neck, can she?

- Ah... [CHUCKLES]
- 'Cause of the brace.

- [SCOFFS]
- Come on.

What, you don't think they're
rushing into things a bit?

People could say the same about us.

What? We didn't rush into things.

I mean, Dusty, we were .

We didn't know anything about
ourselves or relationships.

Yeah, but I didn't need
a machine to tell me

I was supposed to be with you.

- It's not a competition.
- I mean, look at us now.

Twenty years later, still
surprising each other.

You know what would be surprising,
is if you were a little more open.

You know, a little more openhearted,
a little more optimistic.

- Hey. How much fun is this, right?
- [DUSTY] So much.

Man.

Cass, you are looking
exceptionally stunning this evening.

Thanks.

Dusty, you are here too. [LAUGHS]

- Just kidding with you, bud.
- Oh, yep.

How about that ceremony,
right? It was so moving.

- Mm-hmm.
- I was fighting back tears the whole time.

And that was a fight
that I was losing, man.

Actually, I was too.

- Stop that. Look at us.
- [CASS LAUGHS]

Look at us. Just a couple of
bighearted softies over here.

Not like big Dust-bust, keeping
all those emotions under...

- under lock and key.
- No, no.

I can optimistically say

it was the most heartwarming
machine-inspired union

between two people
who have been together

less than eight days I have ever seen.

Have you guys tried the appies?
You gotta try the appies.

Check out the... the
latest on Giorgio's menu.

Cass wings, aka hot wings.

[CHUCKLES]

That's not even subtle.

[SLOW DANCE MUSIC PLAYING]

- [WHISPERS] I think you should...
- [SHUSHES] Look who's here.

Hello, Martha.

You have to introduce
me to your new partner.

She's my wife. But, yes, you know Rose.

She's been on the Deerfest
committee for the past five years.

I'm sorry. It's this
harsh arcade lighting.

It just makes everyone
look so much older.

- So, Izzy...
- Mmm.

... are you here as a friend
of the bride or the groom?

I'm here as mayor.

I'm obliged to attend
every event in this town.

So, you weren't invited.

But speaking of political duties,
we were just talking about the inn

and wondered if you've had time
to sign that permit we requested?

Martha, if you wanna talk
to me, just talk to me.

You don't have to make
this about permits.

No, but I really do
just need the permit.

It's been decades,

and you still think you have to
build a moat just to talk to me.

- A moat. [CHUCKLES]
- Just give us the f*cking permit.

- [MARTHA] Okay. Just...
- And watch your damn hands.

- [IZZY] Oh.
- Come on, Rose. This is pointless.

[IZZY] Wow.

[ROSE] She got to touch
you? This is ridiculous.

[IZZY] Excuse me. Hello.

Can I have everyone's attention, please?

Well, it's my turn to give my
gift to the bride and groom.

Aw.

But I'll need a little space, if you
all could just move aside, please.

Please. [LAUGHS]

Now, as you all know, in
addition to being your mayor...

I'm also a dancer.

[GASPS] She wouldn't.

You know that she would.

And Pat and Farid,

I can't think of a better way to
celebrate your new relationship

- than with the gift... of movement.
- Of movement.

Hit it, Jacob.

["DAMN I WISH I WAS YOUR LOVER" PLAYING]

I know you're not enjoying this,

but we're gonna be
talking about it for years,

so try to watch as much as you can.

[CROWD GASPING, CLAMORING] Oh!

[PAT, CROWD GASPS]

Whoo!

- I need another drink immediately.
- Oh!

- [GASPS] On it. Yes.
- Immediately.

Mm-hmm.

[CASS] My mother's vag*na is on display.

[NAT] I know. I know.

Glass of white wine,
please, bartendress. Father.

- Hey.
- Oh. "Father is Father."

[CHUCKLES]

There you go.

Interesting glass choice.

I brought 'em over from the bar.
Thought they were wedding-appropriate.

- Got 'em on clearance at Dear Izzy's.
- Wait, Farid has you buying supplies now?

Yeah, he's been asking me to do a
lot more since he got his potential.

- I can't say I love it.
- And what about your potential, Hana?

I actually haven't used that
thing, and I don't plan to.

[DUSTY] What about that voice
telling you to be like everyone else?

- I don't have one of those.
- Cool.

- Me neither.
- [CROWD GASPING]

[GASPING CONTINUES]

Oh, you guys are newish to town,
so you probably find it strange

that a woman who wasn't
actually invited to the wedding

is currently stealing focus
from the bride and groom

by doing an improvised,
overtly sexual, dance solo.

But I'd like to reassure you,

that it's much more
f*cked up than it seems.

Ooh, I wanna know everything.

[DUSTY] Do you see how most of
the high kicks are being directed

at that woman who's pretending
to stare at the olive cart?

That's Martha. Martha is Izzy's ex.

Martha and Izzy moved to Deerfield
when Cass was nine, and ever since,

Izzy has talked about the dance
career she left behind in the city.

Wow. Okay. She... She's got some moves.

Yeah, but it was the 's.

Who wasn't a professional
dancer in the 's, right?

Were you a professional
dancer in the 's?

Mm-hmm. Have you heard of Riverdance?

- You were in Riverdance?
- No,

I was a founding member of River-Prance,

an all-boys, mixed ability,
multi-genre dance troupe.

- Oh, dear God.
- In many ways,

we considered ourselves a creative
riposte to Irish dance culture,

which was quite stifling.
All laces and braces.

But we were young. It
was subversive sh*t.

Very punk.

In a way, yeah. Yeah. We
dabbled in many genres.

Incorporated all the greats.

[CHUCKLES] Chaka Khan, Bananarama,
George Michael, Run-DMC.

Well, now we know why
Cass fell in love with you.

[DUSTY] No, this was...
this was pre-Cass.

- [CROWD] Aw.
- I don't think she's... Oh.

Aw, Cass is doing something adorable.
This isn't going to end well.

Oh, yes, she's dancing
with the flower girl,

and it's very, f*cking charming.

And now other people are
starting to find it charming.

And, oh, that means that Izzy's
not gonna get all of the attention.

And she sees it. She sees it.

Now she's looking over
to see if Martha sees it.

Martha sees it too.
That's the ball game!

Mmm.

- Good luck. [CLICKS TONGUE]
- [CHUCKLES]

Well, you sure know how to steal
someone's thunder, don't you?

- [SIGHS]
- Pardon me?

You couldn't give me five minutes?

I'm stealing thunder?

It's bad enough she's
here with that woman.

I can't even believe
they're still together.

- Then again, Rose doesn't have kids.
- Ha!

And Martha always said
that I had too much baggage.

[LAUGHS, SCOFFS]

What's up, whorebag?

Um, because of the glass.

Sorry, that didn't feel
good coming out of my mouth.

What did she just say to you?

[SIGHS] Nothing I haven't
heard before, so...

Anything I can do to cheer you up?

No. No. We can actually
go if that's okay.

Um, I'm gonna go say bye to Pat. [SIGHS]

Maybe I could talk to Giorgio

- about making you the in-house deejay.
- Yeah.

It'd be fun to talk to you

without having to stuff
my face with fish cakes.

These are actually fish in a towel.

Giorgio's take on pigs in a blanket.

- [SPITS]
- [CHUCKLES]

I do mean it, though.

It's really hard being out
with you in public and, like,

constantly having to worry
that people might find out.

- Well, what's the alternative?
- I just thought, eventually,

- we could...
- What up, doggie bags?

Oh. Uh, hi, Dad. I'm just circulating.

And you're k*lling it. Ooh,
is that fish in a towel?

Mm-hmm.

Why is everything spicy?

- There's zero spice in that.
- Ugh.

- What up, deejay table?
- Hey.

Are you doing requests?

Uh, it's literally just my phone

plugged into a speaker, so, yeah, yeah.

Cool.

Um...

[WHISPERS INDISTINCTLY]

- Yeah. Yeah.
- Okay.

Hello, everyone.

- Hello. Hello, I'm Dusty.
- [MICROPHONE FEEDBACK]

I also have a surprise gift

that I'd like to share
with the happy couple.

Hope it's a good surprise. [CHUCKLES]

Principal Pat and Farid,

I know that some might think
that this is all a bit quick,

and you have no way of knowing
if you're right for each other,

but I, for one, have faith.

["FAITH" PLAYING]

[CROWD GASPING, CHEERING]

[ALL LAUGHING]

[WHISTLING]

[CHEERING CONTINUES]

[APPLAUDING, WHISTLING]

[MOUTHING WORDS] I gotta have faith.

- [MUSIC FADES]
- [CHEERING FADES]

Hey. Um, do you mind if I take
off? My parents are my ride.

Uh, no. You gotta...

You gotta stay and help
with clean-up and locking up.

You know, it really feels like
you should start paying me again.

Yeah. Well, it's like they say,

you can't always get exactly what
you're hoping for in this life.

Hey, you need some help?

Why? Because I'm a delicate little
lady who can't take care of herself?

- No, I just thought you might...
- Of course, I want your help.

What's wrong with you?

All night I had all these
people coming up to me,

asking me a million
questions about the machine,

and all you can say is
that you don't wanna use it.

Hey, if it works for
people, that's awesome.

But I also think there's
a really good chance

that a month from now,

no one here is gonna
be talking about this.

Now, see, I disagree.

You never know what people will do

when they feel they've
been given a sign.

And that works for some people,
but just not for me, Father.

Okay. If that's true, then...

you might be the only
person in this town

who doesn't need anything
from me. [CHUCKLES]

[SLOW DANCE MUSIC PLAYING]

Oh, no. Who... Who is
responsible for this?

- I don't know, but...
- [GROANS]

... someone should really
do something about that.

But don't... don't grab... uh...

- Is this yours?
- All right. Look,

it's an old playlist, okay?

- Oh, this is a playlist?
- All right, relax.

- So much Coldplay, huh?
- [MUSIC STOPS]

- Yeah, well, you like the Bible, so...
- [CHUCKLES]

- Oh, man. [CHUCKLES]
- What?

[SIGHS] "Still the One," Shania Twain.

Why you gotta do me like this, God?

Okay. It's really not that bad.

No.

That was my wedding song.

That was... That was your wedding song?

Yeah.

I was married to an amazing woman.

And she met me when I was at my worst.

[REUBEN BREATHES DEEPLY] She
was like, um, a ventilator.

She gave me life.

And we were planning on having kids,

everything, had it all planned out.

And then she got sick.

Some... [STAMMERS] ...
really rare, invisible thing

and then she was gone. Just...

s-so fast. [INHALES SHARPLY]

Um, and I went all the way back down.

[SIGHS]

And my drinking got really bad.

I started punching random people,
you know, all the fun stuff.

And I got to thinking, "I
don't come back from this."

You know? Uh, "People do
not come back from this."

[SWALLOWS] And then I was
outside of some random bar,

just staring down in the
gutter like a real sack of sh*t

and looking for something
to show me the way.

And that's when I saw
it. "Your Life Potential."

Hmm.

I mean, how's that for
a sign, right? [CHUCKLES]

So, I did the whole seminary thing,

and I... I took the job
here at Deerfield High.

Started over.

And I carved out a new, small
life for myself and... [CHUCKLES]

... and then this machine shows up,

and I realize the card
wasn't meant for me.

Everyone thinks that
"Father" means only one thing.

Only I know that if it was
supposed to mean "Priest,"

it would've said "Priest."

And all this time, I... [CHUCKLES]

I've been on the wrong path.

And on top of all that,

I have to listen to your
terrible music. [CHUCKLES]

[CHUCKLES]

["DAMN I WISH I WAS YOUR LOVER" PLAYING]

[CHUCKLES]

Wow. Yeah, this is so much better.

Now, this is a wedding song.

Are you f*cking serious?

Come on.

[SIGHS]

[GROANS]

[MUSIC CONTINUES]