10x20 - Uptown Boy

[bunniefuu]

[Adult Adam] Back in the
' s, my sister was a new mom,

and she was loving it,

which meant she had to put her
dream of law school on hold...

until now.

There are my two loves.

One innocent and pure, the
other terrifying and hot.

You know, you can also
just walk in and say "hi."

So, how's the law school
application coming?

What's another word for perfect?

Because it's the opposite of that.

Oh, I'm sure my legal
eagle is just being modest.

"Do you have any unusual hobbies?"

"Yes, the Diaper Olympics."

You're looking at the gold
medalist of applying butt paste.

"What are you passionate about?"

"My daughter and,
sometimes, my husband."

I wrote what I wrote. Deal with it.

These answers seem kinda baby-centric.

It's just these last few months,

my brain's been nothing
but "baby, baby, baby,"

- and it's hard to switch gears.
- Erica, look at me.

Being a lawyer is your dream,
and you're gonna make it happen.

- I know it.
- You know, I coulda been a lawyer.

Oh, really? You never mentioned it.

I have experience arguing with judges,

police officers, magistrates,

and a homeless man I
like to call Matlock

because of his Southern accent. [laughs]

I made more homemade
baby food for Muriel.

Nice, she gobbles this stuff up.

And I have to admit, I
may have sampled the wares

during a peckish moment,
and my review is in... delish.

I'm the best at what I do.

- [door opens, closes]
- In this very specific case, sure.

Beep-beep, working
attorney coming through.

Greetings, small talk,
compliments. Now let's get to it.

I asked Joanne to come by
to maybe help you out with your essay.

Oh, that's so nice of you, Joanne.

Especially since it
sounds like you're busy.

Currently, I'm smack dab in
the middle of a -hour workday.

Whoa, hours?

And with that, I am halfway
through my -minute lunch break.

Lunch breaks, that's new.

This sounds like the
firm for you, Schmoopie.

- Yeah, maybe.
- End of day would be best.

Can we say o'clock?

- P.M.?
- Yes. [chuckles]

No overnighters with this firm.

I am done with that nonsense.

And the perks just keep on coming.

Joanne, are you eating the baby food?

I have a tight lunch window,

and this stuff is so
good, it should be illegal.

And then Erica would have to defend me.

- If she has the time.
- Yeah. [chuckles]

- Hey, don't hog the jar.
- I was here first.

- I really like it, though.
- I get this now. I need this.

- I really like this flavor.
- You live here!

- This is my baby's food!
- Oh!

♪ I'm twisted up inside ♪

♪ But nonetheless I
feel the need to say ♪

♪ I don't know the future ♪

♪ But the past keeps
getting clearer every day ♪

[Adult Adam] It was
April th, -something

and I was in search of inspiration.

I needed a creative jolt to
get me back behind the camera.

Boring.

Lackluster.

Yawn.

Men with hats in black and white.

- [TV static hisses]
- Welp, I did it.

I reached the end of TV.

[Adult Adam] But then I saw it.

A music video that blew my
mind and captured my heart.

It was so full of joy,
so fresh, so singular,

it gave me the spark
of originality I needed.

We're making an homage
to the Billy Joel video.

"Uptown Girl"!

- The cute doo-wop song?
- Cute?

It's a modern masterpiece by a
genius at the height of his form.

Doesn't he sing into
a wrench and skip dance

- while rhyming "boy" with "toy"?
- Height of his form.

I just have one question...

Is Barry gonna be involved?

No. He just plopped down on
the couch and refused to leave.

Power move!

And he's also been
screaming "power move"

off and on for the last hour.

Which is, in itself, a power move!

So, Billy Joel. What are we thinking?

I'm thinking Carmen and I
could play the lead roles

of high-class beauty and everyman hero.

Yes! It's settled.

I will play the role of William Joel...

The curly-haired musical prodigy

dripping with charisma,
sex appeal, and sweat.

Again, I don't want you involved,

and you could never fill
the shoes of the piano man.

- Then the obvious choice is Carmen.
- What?

[chuckling] Yeah, what?

Carmen's the uptown girl.

I'mthe downtown boy.

Uh, not buying it.

Carmen's the one with
the real world bonafides

to play a hard-working man.

- Thanks?
- Her father owns an auto body shop,

while you live in a white bread world

of Pudding Bars and
stunning older brothers.

You're the uptown girl in a fancy car,

unable to handle a minor
automotive inconvenience.

He does paint a compelling picture.

- I'm invested.
- No!

She's Christie Brinkley

and I'm the rough-and-tumble Billy Joel.

Is Billy Joel even
the rough-and-tumble Billy Joel?

Wait. Barry's idiotic
idea gave me a good one.

We can sh**t the video
at Carmen's dad's auto body shop!

Power move!

Starting to think you don't
have a grasp on that phrase.

Whaddaya say, Carm? It's
the perfect location.

Plus, I can finally meet your dad.

Oh. [chuckles] Um, I'm not sure.

It's a real business, you know?

We'll sh**t after hours.

And if you're worried
about whether your old man

will like me or not, don't be.

- Parents love me.
- It's true.

His delicate and
non-threatening demeanor

makes dads feel at ease.

Kinda what Dave Kim said.

- What do you say?
- Sure, let's do it. It'll be fun.

- Huzzah!
- Power move!

[grunts, groans]

[Adult Adam] As my piano
man homage took shape,

Erica wasn't exactly perfecting
her law school essays.

Dammit, misses.

- [doorbell rings]
- [breathes sharply]

Yes, a legitimate distraction.

Oh, thank Goddess you're home.

[door closes]

I need more of your
mom's homemade baby food.

It's the only natural
product Hazel will eat.

Wait... she ate my mom's baby food?

I hate saying this because I've
seen how much bacon grease

your mom pours into her pancake batter,

but she's an amazing cook.

Did somebody say amazing cook?

Oh. Hello, Lauren.

I see you're still friendly with Erica.

Beverly. Your car wasn't in the driveway

and I got my hopes up, but here you are.

[chuckling] Yes. I'm always here.

- I live here.
- It certainly seems that way.

Okay. It seems that you
guys have some common ground.

- Hmm.
- Her daughter likes your baby food.

It's true. [sighs]

- Can I get a few more jars?
- For your adorable daughter

who rightfully prefers
my delicious baby food

to that of her weirdo mother's?

Of course.

I'm off to get fresh produce.

[door opens, closes]

Oh, what a fun lady to have
deeply embedded in your life.

But honestly, after seeing Hazel

hoover up those pureed
peaches [breathes sharply]

you should totally do a Baby Boom.

Oh, Barry did an adult boom earlier.

- I think we're good.
- [chuckling] No, no, no.

Baby Boom, the movie.

[Adult Adam] She meant the
inspiring Diane Keaton flick

about the high-powered exec
who quit the corporate life

to spend more time with her child,

and somehow started a baby food empire.

She found a viable way to have it all.

[chuckles] I gotta watch this again.

[Adult Adam] As Baby
Boom inspired my sister,

I was getting inspired
with the location scout

of Carmen's dad's auto shop.

Would you look at this place?

- What a set!
- Ohh.

Gritty realism and, also, real grit.

Not a set. Place of business.

Ah, cinema verite.

I've been told that film style's
good by adults, so it must be.

Hey, baby.

Papi. I thought you'd be busy.

Are you kidding?
I wouldn't miss the opportunity

to meet the famous Adam.

Oh, no. This happens a lot.

I can understand why you'd
hope a specimen like myself

would be your daughter's
beau, but alas, no.

- [chuckling] Um...
- I am Adam.

Enchante, good sir.

Uh, okay.

Pleasure to meet you, Mr. Ortiz.

Thank you so much for letting
me sh**t my video here.

I do have a few set questions, though.

This ragtag crew of mechanics.

Will they be here on the day?

I hope so. It's their job.

Real-world experience.

Always a plus for background actors.

Maybe a little less grimy
on the day, though, guys?

Wanna see those smiles in the close-ups.

[Adult Adam] And after
sort of nailing that intro,

it was time to prep for the sh**t.

Surely Carmen's dad would be impressed.

The grease... so authentic.

Anyone have one of
those wet towels you get

in a Japanese restaurant?

So, Carmen, you're gonna be here.

And remember, we're
really trying to capture

that divine femininity in this scene.

So glow, like this.

Yeah, Carmen, I'm gonna go.

- I got stuff to do, okay?
- All right.

- Hey, where's your dad off to?
- You know, the back.

The magical place where
things get done that's not the front.

Too bad. I was hoping to get a chance

to impress him with my dolly work.

Oh, you should not bring in your dolls.

First of all, those are action figures.

And I meant the track
the camera wheels on.

There ya go.

Can you please take that hat off?

You're right, keep it clean. [chuckles]

I'm so excited we're doing this.

Yep. [chuckles]

Yep, yep, yep, yep.

[Adult Adam] Or nope, nope, nope, nope.

What the hell, dude?

What where you doing with
all that "director" stuff?

You made a terrible
impression on Carmen's dad.

What are you talking
about? I quoted Doris Day.

I was on top of my game.

Mr. Ortiz is a manly man,

a blue collar Joe.

He doesn't want his daughter

dating some dainty uptown boy.

Uptown boy?

No way.

Although he did seem a little miffed

when I asked for a
second toilet seat cover.

Never cover, bro!

Lucky for you, I'm taking it upon myself

to help you awaken your inner manliness.

I assume I'm supposed to follow you?

[Adult Adam] As Barry swore to
give me the gift of manly knowledge,

my mom was showing
off a gift of her own.

And this is Hazel's baby food basket.

- What do you think?
- I think you just spent two hours

meticulously putting together
a basket for the child of a woman

you barely know and definitely hate.

Ginzy, when someone loves your cooking,
you bask in the glow.

- [door opens, closes]
- Someday you'll see.

Great news. [chuckles]

Muriel and I spent all day
doing research at the library,

and guess what?

We got a business license.

"Bubbe Bevy's Baby Food"?

Oh, oh. [gasps]

You...

want to start a business with me?

Well, it sounds insane when you

or anyone uses those words,
but yes. Yes, I do.

That's the greatest
thing I've ever heard!

- Whoa!
- [laughs]

Well, I'm gonna go put Muriel down,

and then we can brainstorm new flavors.

- Mm-hmm.
- Baby Boom!

Baby Boom! Ha-ha!

Yay!

Ohhh.

[bleep]

[Adult Adam] This was amazing news.

- [bleep] Ohh!
- Or was it?

- No! [bleeping]
- While always unpredictable,

- this seemed to be an over-the-top reaction...
- [bleeping]

- ... even for my mom.
- [stomping]

[grunts]

[bleeping]@

[exhales heavily]

Is there a problem, Bev?

I may have... fibbed.

Fibbed?

- [Adult Adam] Oh, yes. She fibbed.
- [gasps]

Sweet mama-jama! Are those Gerber?

I don't make homemade baby food.

I just un-jar and re-jar Gerber's

- and pass it off as my own!
- Why?

I am an international
cookbook authoress.

My fans demand homemade,

but it's so time-consuming.

We both know what needs to happen now...

- Tell Erica the truth.
- Or...

I double down,
and with my vast knowledge of cooking,

I duplicate Gerber's magic

and keep this business going.

Yeah. Baby Boom!

[chuckling] Oh!

Shh!

Baby Boom.

[Adult Adam] Tasked with making me manly

to save my relationship with Carmen,

Barry pulled out all the stops...

Adam, behold.

The greatest collection
of men the world...

And a one-block radius... has to offer.

The JTP! With pity
inclusion, Matt Bradley.

[all] JTP!

- [both] With pity inclusion, Matt Bradley!
- Oh, come on.

- Bill Lewis!
- Hey-diddle-diddle.

And Pop-Pop, a surly alpha man

who has survived innumerable wars.

Including that foreign invasion

happening in the park down the street.

- You know the one.
- Can he say that?

He is getting a lot of
leeway because of his age.

Our knowledge of man-dom is vast,

so we'll be focusing
on four categories...

Muscles! Aggression!

Athleticism! Mechanics!

So..."ma'am"?

Ugh!

I didn't see that. Darn!

[chalk tapping]

- [sighs]
- So..."Mama"?

- Aw, damn it!
- Maybe I'll jump in here.

Adam, stand up and give us a sit.

Aw, geez. You call that a sit?

Our people didn't walk across Europe

for you to bend like that.

- What did I do wrong?
- Watch me, son.

[clears throat]

Notice your feet.

They're on the floor... unguarded,

defenseless to a kick or a stomping.

Now, look at my feet.

Always keep one foot off the floor.

Then you're primed for action.

Ready for a leap or a kick.

Ha! Ha!

So you're never really sitting,
but never really standing, either.

All right, fellas.
Let's show him our sits.

[Adult Adam] And they did.

[breathes deeply]

And it was strange.

Very, very... strange.

Are you ready to learn more?

Or will you eternally embarrass yourself

in front of your girlfriend's dad?

Teach me your mannish ways.

Always bring up local sports teams.

But always mention that they suck.

And all of your emotions
that you keep bottled up

in your day-to-day life, sports
lets 'em come roaring out.

None of this seems healthy.

- It's not.
- My chest always hurts.

I cry in the shower

and let the salty tears
disappear down the drain.

Abruptly pivoting.

There are three things you
need to know about a car.

You look under the hood,
you listen to the engine purr,

you kick the tires.

You know the phrase "kick the tires"?

I once read about Steven Spielberg

"kicking the tires" on an
adaptation of Sweeney Todd.

Cat chasing a dog,
what did you just say to me, son?

[Adult Adam] Okay, so I
had my work cut out for me.

And so did my mom, who had enlisted help

getting her out of a baby jam.

We are here today to replicate

the recipes of Gerber baby food.

A daunting task, but I
have assembled a cr*ck team

consisting solely of me because I am,

after all, a professional-grade chef.

Did someone tell you that, or...

You know, I don't know if
I've ever mentioned it, Ginzy,

but I am an international
best-selling cookbook author.

And what am I here to do?

You are here to be my
taste-tester, although,

judging from your outfit today,
I'm not sure you have any.

All that matters is that
you called me to help

instead of Linda. Essie's moving up.

To your tasting station!
Let's Baby Boom!

[Adult Adam] And Baby Boom they did.

My mom sliced, sniffed,
steamed, spiced, and mashed

all the fruits and veggies
she could get her hands on.

- And poor Essie sampled spoonful after spoonful...
- Oh!

- ... until, finally...
- Sweet Jesus!

- We did it.
- We did?

Guys... it's Gerber.

Essie picked up the wrong jar.

Dammit, Essie! You had
one job... not to suck!

I'm sorry. Please don't
replace me with Linda.

- [door closes]
- Say hello to Bubbe Bevy's.

[gasps]

Your new company and logo
design featuring your face.

It's me in all my blond glory.

Oh, my God, this is the most
amazing thing I've ever seen!

Oh, look, there's a slogan...

"Always homemade."

You know what's also made in a home?

The trust that loved ones will...

Embrace the business slogan?

[chuckles] Indeed I do.

"Always homemade," mm-hmm.

Always.

Wow, fun!

I had this made for our new stall

at the farmer's market tomorrow.

Farmer's market tomorrow.

Wow, this is happening so fast.

- Hm. You can stop it at any time.
- Tomorrow's fine.

- We need at least jars.
- [chuckling] That's a lot.

Do you know what's also a lot?

The amount of peaches we need to puree?

Yes, good idea.

Let's go, ladies. We'll
need all three cars.

Come on.

My love, you're devoting
a lot of time to all this.

- [door closes]
- Aren't your law school

- applications due tomorrow?
- I already dropped them off with Joanne.

She's gonna mail them from her office.

- Free postage.
- Oh, I'm so proud of you.

Save that pride for when I'm
running a baby food conglomerate.

And when you're a superstar attorney.

Sure, both of those things.

[Adult Adam] Yep, for my
sister, it was Baby Boom or bust.

Meanwhile, I was ready to bust out

my new manly self to Carmen's dad.

Ohh! Sorry, man.

- Adam?
- Oh, hey.

I wasn't expecting to see you here.

I work here on the weekends, remember?

- What are you doing here?
- You know, manly stuff

other men respect and recognize.

Yo, Mr. O!

[Adult Adam] Time to kick
things off with an active sit.

- What's shaking?
- Adam.

Hey, don't put your foot up there.
You're gonna scuff the whitewall.

Oh, sorry.

[Adult Adam] No biggie.
I had sports in my back pocket.

So, those Phillies.

- They suck.
- [scoffs]

Just won seven straight
and they're about to clinch.

Yeah, but that sucks, right?

No, not really.

[Adult Adam] Good thing I
could talk endlessly about cars.

Ooh-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo, hoo-hoo!

I'd love to have one of these of my own.

Does the engine purr?

- What?
- Y-You know, purr, like a cat?

Meow!

Are you on dr*gs, son?

Time to kick the tires!

No, please don't.

- Oh, no...
- No, no, no, no, no!

Carmen!

Adam!

[breathing quickly] Am I dead?

- Is this how I d*ed?
- Kid, you okay?

I'm sorry.

I was trying to impress
you to get you to like me,

but then, I screwed things
up and made it even worse.

Who said I don't like you?

I thought you didn't
even want to meet me.

Why would you think that?

[stammers] Let me explain.

No need. [breathing heavily]

It wasn't your dad who
thought I was embarrassing.

It was you.

Adam, I...

[Adult Adam] While I had just faced

a wake-up call in my relationship,

Geoff was about to be alerted

to an alarming reality of his own.

Knock-knock. Lawyer coming through.
Love the shirt. Blah, blah.

- Where's Erica?
- She's at the farmer's market

working on her new
baby food side business.

I hope it's going well
because I perused her.

"Personal Statement"
essay and I have concerns.

But her applications
were in sealed envelopes.

Read.

"What it means to be a lawyer."

"Eh, it is what it is." Oh, no!

That's nowhere near words!

[Virginia] Wow, Bevy.

Uh, people sure do love
the, uh, homemade baby food.

[Erica] They do.

- Thanks for the inspiration, Diane Keaton.
- I love her.

- Such a treasure.
- Incredible.

Um, Erica, can I talk to you for a sec?

No. I'm sorta busy
having it all right now.

It's about your law school application.

- Like I said, taken care of.
- Are you sure?

'Cause this last one, you ended it with.

"Smell ya later, dummies!"

The hell? Ginzy, you're in charge.

Well, since you have yet
to make correct change,

- I think that's best.
- It's simple, guys.

I wanted to be a lawyer, now I don't.

- Well, it doesn't sound simple.
- It is.

You're gonna run the day-to-day
of this burgeoning empire,

and I'm gonna spend more
time with my daughter.

- Baby Boom.
- Bubbe Bevy's is the reason

you don't want to be a lawyer anymore?

We're taking the world by storm.
Suck on that, Gerber!

Well, we can't take
down Gerber because...

- ... we are Gerber!
- Whazzdatnow?

I lied. This was never homemade.

I just re-jarred their delicious mush.

No. No, no, no, no, no.

This mush was supposed to
be my way out of law school.

Is that why you phoned
in one of your essays,

and then the other one, you
just wrote the transcript

for Eddie Murphy Raw?

I just know that I don't
want to do what Joanne does.

And every time that I think of
leaving Muriel, I feel like crying.

[sighs] Oh, Erica, sweetie.

I'm so sorry. We didn't know.

I thought I could Baby Boom it

like Diane Keaton and have it all.

But now I... I guess
I can't have anything.

Go.

[Adult Adam] Turns out
it wasn't my girlfriend's

dad who didn't approve of me.

It was my girlfriend.

Hi.

Downtown girl here,
looking for an uptown boy.

Don't. Just don't.

Now, hold on. You don't understand.

[door closes]

[sighs] I was super embarrassed by you.

Wow, what an unexpected
path to an apology.

- Let me finish.
- No need.

I'm proud of who I am.

I may be afraid of beetles
and love Beetlejuice,

- but I'm not ashamed of either.
- You shouldn't be.

And I don't care if the world
knows I'm scared of dentists.

That one I get, actually.

And you know what?

I sit the way I sit, and I'm
not changing it for anybody!

Now you're losing me.

But... what I'm saying
is that I was wrong.

I was afraid that my
dad wouldn't accept you

because you're both so different.

- Maybe a skosh.
- But that shouldn't matter.

The only thing that matters is that

I really, really, really love you.

That's...

That's a lot of reallys.

Well, here's some more...

I'm really, really,
really, really sorry.

[chuckles softly] Apology accepted.

Great. [chuckles]

Now let's go reintroduce you to my dad.

["Uptown Girl" plays]

[Adult Adam] The road of life
is full of twists and turns.

Just when you think you've got
your whole future mapped out...

I love you, Schmoopie.

♪ Uptown girl ♪

...you realize you want to go
in an entirely different direction.

And I love you, Schmoopie.

I'm sorry I lied to you.

It's okay, Mama.

You were just doing what good moms do,

giving their babies what they need.

And I'm sorry I pushed
so hard for law school.

I thought it was what you wanted.

I thought so, too.

But maybe one day. [breathes deeply]

Just not right now.

Sometimes our dreams change,

especially after having a baby.

You know, even though this
business didn't work out,

you did get it up and
running surprisingly quickly.

And you still had time for Muriel.

Huh, well, maybe there's another
business out there for me.

I'm sure there is, and
we'll find it together.

And you don't have to
Baby Boom alone, Erica.

- We can all Baby Boom together.
- ♪ She'll say that she's mi-i-ine ♪

[Adult Adam] And sometimes,
that road and our relationships

can get a little rough.

[laughter]

But it's nothing a little
maintenance can't fix.

♪ I'm in love with an uptown girl ♪

♪ Uptown girl ♪

♪ She's my uptown girl ♪

♪ You know I'm in love
with an uptown girl ♪

[laughter]

♪ My uptown girl ♪

♪ You know I'm in love
with an uptown girl ♪

[Adult Adam] But when
you're taking the trip

surrounded by the people you love,

it doesn't matter where you're headed.

You'll always enjoy the journey.

♪ You know I'm in love with
an uptown girl, my uptown... ♪

I know our baby food business went bust,

but I have been thinking of
other ideas for businesses.

We're actually watching Hart to... Hart.

- "Bubbe Bevy's Baby Booties."
- Pass.

"Bubbe Bevy's Baby Bottles."

I don't want to have this
conversation right now,

but if you're gonna start a business,

it doesn't have to be baby related.

"Bubbe Bevy's Bath Bombs."

How many pages are in that pad?

"Bubbe Bevy's Beer Cozies."

"Bubbe Bevy's Boudoir Photos."

- Yes!
- You love it?

Not at all... I just realized
there's a TV in the other room.