01x01 - Never Lose Again

[bunniefuu]

(Gentle electronic music)

♪

(rock music)

- Bonjour tout le monde
et bienvenue.

Anik Archambault here
for BROdude Energy

with another edition
of Questionable Call,

the show where we take
your unconventional

hockey questions to the people
who know the game best.

On today's panel, we've got
Olympic hockey gold medallist

and TSN personality,
Tessa Bonhomme.

- Hi, Anik.
- From the juggernaut

Spittin' Chiclet's podcast,
Mr. Brian McGonagle,

AKA Rear Admiral, but best known
around the hockey world

as simply RA.
Thanks for joining us.

- Merci for having me, Anik.

- And last, and least,
the big sh*t...

- Big sh*t?
- Formerly of Fox Sports 1.

- And I think you mean last
but now least, Anik.

- No. Host of Sportscentre
with mister Jay "Onray".

- That's Onrait.
- Mr. Jay "Onray".

- A little language barrier
there, I think. It's fine.

- Today's first question comes
from John and Nancy Larocque

of Strathroy, Ontario,
and they ask,

"What's the dirtiest play
in hockey?"

Tessa, we'll start with you.

- Look, I don't know
if it's the dirtiest,

but it's definitely top three.
Gotta be the slew-foot.

You're gonna take my feet out
from underneath me,

I'm definitely making
you eat the lumber.

- You know what's like
slew-footing, but way more
irritating?

- Didn't ask yet, Jay. RA?

- Bruins fans
are forever scarred

for what Ulf Samuelsson did to
our lord and saviour Cam Neely.

So, going knee on knee is
the dirtiest play in hockey.

- Jay?
- Yes. The dirtiest...

- We'll get to you
right after me.

The dirtiest play in hockey
is submarining.

- The dirtiest?

- You line up a guy
and he's up here.

By the time you make contact,

he's down here.
That's dirty.

- I'd argue that taking a run
into the numbers

is dirtier than that but...

(Anik): No one asked you yet!
(Jay): No one asked me yet!

- Jay.
- Anik.

- What's the dirtiest play
in hockey?

- Yes. Last but not least,

if it's the dirtiest play
off the ice,

it's certainly the dirtiest play
on the ice.

Sucker punching.

- Slew-foot, submarine,
sucker punch.

Is that the Brad Marchand
hat trick?

- Hey. You want 300 career
goals, a Stanley Cup,

All-Star year, you gotta do
what you gotta do.

- Question number two
comes from the staff

at Saint Sacrement Tavern
in Montreal, Quebec.

"Who is the dirtiest player
of all time?"

- OK. Hold on.
- I'm sure you guys

all have your own answers
for this.

- Pronger.
- Ciccarelli.

- Samuelsson.
- Look, fair.

But I covered
the National Senior Championship

a couple of years ago.
Lady, gents,

the dirtiest player by far
of all time is a dude called...

- Shoresy?
- Who?

- Shoresy.
- Him.

- Shoresy. Yeah,
I watched the coverage

of that National
Senior Championship,

if he's that dirty
all the time...

- Like how dirty?
- Well, he's gonna get ya.

He doesn't care who you are.

He doesn't even have
to be on the ice.

- So he's a pest.
- Well, with pests,

they always say you love them
if they were on your team but...

- Mm, no. His stick budget
must be stupid

because he breaks one or two
a game over something.

Or someone.

- I texted Biz and Whit
to get the load on on this guy,

and a couple of their boys
played with him back in the day.

And Biz says,
"Nothing personal here,
but apparently he cries a lot.

During the anthem,
it's full water works city

like he's watching Beaches
or something."

- And that's just...
- I'm not done yet.

"He also likes to take a sh*t
before every game

and also between every period."

- As I was saying, that's just
the on-ice stuff.

The off-ice stuff,
from what I'm told, is crazy.

- How crazy?
- His patented move was going up

behind guys when they're hanging
a piss at the urinal,

bouncing their heads
off the wall,

called that thing a potty-kiss.

- Tabarnak.
- He does this thing

that just drove me nuts
during interviews too,

where he'd ask a question,
then right after he'd go, "Huh?"

- Huh?
- Look, we'll try, OK?

I'm gonna ask you a question,
you answer it, OK?

- Allons-y.

- Don't you think hockey
is getting a little soft?

- Well, I...
- Huh?!

- Je comprends.
- Where's this guy now?

- I was at a golf tournament
with the Foligno's this summer

and they said he was
playing senior way up north
in their town.

- That's my town.
- Sudbury?

- Born and raised, baby.
- Sudbury, Ontario.

Probably one of the toughest
towns you'll ever be in.

- Bertuzzi's from up there.

- There's an impossible amount
of good-looking girls

- in Sudbury.
- Take a lap, Jay.

- There's a four-team senior
league up in the area.

- Wait, so they only play
three other teams all year?

- The Northern Ontario
Senior Hockey Organization.

Otherwise known as the NOSHO.

- Can you imagine how much those
guys want to k*ll each other?

- Well, Shoresy's a k*ller!

- Sounds like he's
in the right place.

- Yup. Senior hockey hell.

(rap music)

(buzzer)

- OK boys, alright, alright!
- Everyone just listen up, OK?

Tons of positives
out there tonight, boys.

- Tons of f*cking positives.
- Michaels is right, boys,

- always a silver lining.
- That's a good team out there,

boys, that is a great
f*cking team.

- Core group's been together
a long time.

- And we battled 'em, boys,
we f*cking battled them.

- A couple of bounces...
- OK, we got 'em one more time

this season. One more time
and I can promise you all,

we are gonna get them boys!

(loud farting)

Shoresy, do you have
something to say or...?

(loud fart)

That's real mature, bud.

(Shoresy): This team
is so f*cking bad.

- Listen, my guy...
- Shut the f*ck up, Sanguinet.

- What do you want, Shoresy?

(Shoresy): I wanna never
lose again.

- Can you just finish your sh*t
and come talk to me

down the hall, please?

- Oh, you think I'm sh1tting,
Michaels?

I should be so lucky.

I'm puking and sh1tting
at the same time.

- This team is...
- (burps)

This team is so f*cking bad,

I've lost control
of my bodily functions.

- You are the portrait of class,
Shoresy.

- We get pumped 5-goose for
the 20th loss of the campaign

and you say, "good
f*cking team over there"?

- They are a good f*cking team!

- Why don't you go over
and suck their dicks

- if you like 'em so much?
- Shoresy!

- Sanguinet, you're a healthy
scratch on a last-place club

in the NOSHO, go for a soda.

- Alright, assh*le! You seem
to have answers to everything,

so enlighten me!
Teach me something!

- Oh, teach ya something?
- Yeah! Teach me some...

- Huh?

- f*ck. I said, teach me
something.

From a true scholar
of the game,

what can I learn from a deep
thinker such as yourself?

- Michaels...
- No, Sanguinet.

Shoresy, you go the floor.
Give me what you got.

Tell us what you know.

- Your broad sent her tits
to my buddy on Instagram,

then him and my other buddy
f*cked her in Muskoka.

- What?!
- More hockey players

have your broad's tits on their
phones than have f*cking Uber.

- No f*cking way.
- She followed me

to Peppi Panini
after Ribfest one time

and cleared the place out
with her coke farts.

- My guy...
- Shut the f*ck up, Sanguinet.

Everyone knows you got
an underwater squeezer

from her off the side
of our party island

- last summer in Wasaga Beach.
- Hold on, I...

- I could have got one too,
but I was having an aqua dump.

- You know what?
- f*ck you, Shoresy!

- f*ck you, Michaels.

Your sweetie stalked
McDavid's girlfriend

at Boots and Hearts and asked
her if she wanted to taste it.

- I should fold this whole
f*cking team.

- Yeah, stick with me, Michaels,

you'll learn something new
every day of your life,

- you piece of sh*t.
- f*ck!

(toilet flushing)

- f*cking loser.

- GM wants to see you
at the Coulson.

- For what?
- You're the veteran,

you're supposed...

- Huh?
- You're the veteran,

you're supposed to lead
this team.

- Aren't you too old for this?

Like, how old are you?

- You're too young for me, Ziig.

And Miig, it's bordering
on harassment at this point.

- We just got pumped 5-goose for
the 20th loss of the campaign.

- Well, Michaels'
a f*cking joke.

- Michaels wants to fold.
- No!

- What do you want us to do?
- I want us to never lose again.

- What's an aqua dump?

- Huh?

(both): What's an aqua dump?

- It's when you take a dump
in a lake.

- It's taking a dump
in any body of water.

- Well, what about a bath tub?

- That's taking a dump in
a f*cking bathtub, Sanguinet.

- In this case, it was a lake.
- No, it wasn't.

- OK, you told your coach
that you got a squeezer

from his sweetie while taking
a dump in the lake.

- I said I could've got
a squeezer.

Sanguinet actually got
the squeezer from her.

- Her brothers are super weird.
- Ugh. Sanguinet.

- They weren't together
at the time.

- Look at you, getting a little

- pee-pee whack.
- Do you think it's funny?

- Getting a booster in a lake?
- It was a river.

- I said, do you think
it's funny?

- I don't think anything's
funny. I'm trying not to cry.

- Aw, don't cry, my guy.
- Shut the f*ck...

- Why would you cry?
- We just got pumped 5-goose

for the 20th loss
of the campaign.

I think the only reason
I'm not crying

is because I already
cried a little bit.

- Then fix your makeup, bitch.

- GM wants to see you
at the Coulson.

Now!

(upbeat music)

- Hey!
- (music stops)

If you're the owner
of a black F-150

with licence plate JKLK084,
your lights are on.

Also, if you're a f*cking loser
that just got pumped 5-goose

for the 20th loss of the
campaign, meet me out back.

(upbeat music)

- Expecting someone?

f*ck off.

(grunting)

- Hey, Nat.
- f*ck you, Shoresy.

- For what?!
- We get pumped 5-goose

for the 20th loss of the
campaign and you're like...

(mocking): "Hey, Nat."

- Well, your coach is a joke.
- Your coach wants to fold.

- No!
- We're not quitters, Nat.

- Shut the f*ck up, Sanguinet.

- And what's this I hear
about you taking a dump

in his girlfriend's lake?

- It was a lake,
it wasn't her lake.

- But she can't own a lake.

- Do you know how much
I spent on that guy?

- Me?
- Oh my God.

- No.
- Flights from Toronto

every weekend. Hotels,
rental cars, his f*cking fee.

- Well, you're an idiot.
- He coached pro.

- Yeah, if he can't do, teach.
- He played NCAA.

- You can't even fight in that
league. It's for f*cking Euros.

- I hate losing so much.
- I never wanna lose again.

- I backed the money truck up
for a guy

who wants to fold now?
f*ck, man.

- His broad pushed up on
Sanguinet.

- I'm pretty sure
you could own a lake.

- If my mom could see you guys
sh*t the bed like this,

she'd sh*t in her grave.

- Well, yeah, we're pretty
f*cking bad.

- I just want bums in seats.

- Well, unless Sanger
whips his wiener out...

- This team used to run 'em up
to double digits.

- Lucky to score now at all.
- Sanguinet, shut the f*ck up.

- If we aren't scoring,
we should at least be fighting.
Fill 'em in.

- That's exactly
what we should do.

- Run 'em up and fill 'em in.
- Then why don't you?

- The kids don't want it.

They don't skate, they don't
score, they don't hit,

they don't fight, they float.

- They don't love to win.
- They don't hate to lose.

- I hate losing so much.

- Well, that's what makes you
such a sn*per, Nat.

- Oh, you think I'm a sn*per?
- To a lot of guys.

- To me, you're a bit young.
- I'm crestfallen.

- But I hear dudes say
Nat's a sn*per all the time.

- Shut up, dude.
- Like, if I had a Sudbury

big nickel for every time
I heard a dude say

Nat's a sn*per, right,
I'd have a 20-spot.

- That it?
- Do the math.

- I don't know what you heard
about a squeezer off the side

of a party island
in Wasaga Beach, but...

(Shoresy): Sanguinet,
shut the f*ck up!

(upbeat music)

(whistle blowing)

- Number 20, two minutes,
roughing.

- For what?!

- For being a f*cking idiot,
Cory.

I'll call the guy
who retaliates every time.

- Call 'em f*cking both!

- I've had about enough
from the Clearasil kid.

Get in the box,
you f*ckin' pimple farmer.

I can't wait to watch you
play tonight, Liam,

you're gonna play so good.
You're gonna play so good.

Hey! Who wants to hurt
their team more, boys?

Keep it up and find out, 'cause
I'm only taking one of ya.

I'm only taking one of ya.
Sticks in.

- f*cking awful tonight,
Shoresy.

- Yeah, keep working hard, Cory,
you can be just like me.

- Oh yeah, I remember laying
in bed as a kid dreaming about

reffing high school hockey
on a Friday night.

- Yeah, I remember laying in bed
dreaming about the time your mom

tongued my butt hole so good

I put her in my phone as
"Roll up the rim to win."

- How do you make that f*cking
call in a game this tight?

(fake crying)
It's a f*cking one-goal game!

- Yeah, thanks, stewardess
obvious, cut the lip.

- f*ck you, Shoresy.
- One more Neutrogena tantrum

out of you and you're getting
the gate, bud, try me.

- Pff. Whatever.

- Don't take your f*cking
Acutane rage out on me.

- Horrible call.

- Sit down, you f*cking
crater face.

- f*ck you, Shoresy.
- f*ck you, Cory,

your mom's twat's so swampy,

not even Ducks Unlimited
will touch her.

So, your sweety finally comes
to a game and you barely play.

Is that more awkward than
puberty or is it pretty close?

- Well, at least I'm not the guy

driving all around
Northern Ontario just to play

in the NOSHO
to get pumped 6-goose.

- 5-goose, can you even
f*cking read?

- Heard you were takin'
aqua dumps

and gettin' jerk offs
in Wasaga Beach too.

- Getting "jerk offs"?
- What?

- Getting "jerk offs"?
- Yeah.

- It's called "getting jerked
off", you f*cking idiot.

- I know.
- You don't even know what

that is, you f*cking infant.
Holy sh*t.

- This is f*cked.

- Hey, you know
what's f*cked, Cory?

The amount of times your mom's
faked a jelly fish sting

- to get me to piss on her.
- You didn't get the first one?

- Oh, here comes Liam.
- (mocking)

- He punched me
right in the head.

(mocking): "He punched me
right in the head."

- Fourth place in a four-team
league, Shores,

- you're living the dream.
- You f*cking saw it, Shoresy!

- Yeah, and you f*cking
retaliated.

- I punched him in the chest,
he punched me right in the head.

- You retaliate,
you go for two, Liam,

it's the first thing
they teach you in hockey.

- You're so f*cking simple.
- That's a terrible call.

- Yeah, that's why you're
in your sixth year
of high school,

- you f*cking idiot.
- f*ck you, Shoresy!

- Hey Cory, you sound just
like Liam, you're like...

(mocking)

You're f*cking out of here,
Cory.

- f*ck you.
- Get the f*ck off the ice.

- f*ck you.
- I can't wait 'till you

graduate in like 10 years
and come play for us.

I'll make a man out of you,
f*cking pizza face.

- You don't even have a team.
- Yeah, only the one

with the banners in the rafters,
you f*cking pigeon.

- You're folding,
you dumb f*ck.

- We're folding?

- Yeah, your mom's folding too.
- Huh? Cory! Cory!

Who told you we're folding?

- Who told you we're folding?

- Doesn't matter.
- Are we folding or not?

- Nat's...
- Huh?

- Nat's on her way.
- Just...

If we're gonna fold,
can you please tell me now?

- Why?
- Because if I'm gonna cry,

I wanna be in and out of it
before Nat gets here.

- p*ssy.
- Miig, I hope the lake squeeze

isn't weird 'cause if any time
you wanna grab some...

- Shut the f*ck up, Sanguinet!

Was it not a river?

- Michaels is a terrible coach.

- I fired Michaels.

- Good. He's a f*cking joke.

- 'Cause we're folding.

I can't lose again, Shoresy.

Not one more game,
I can't live with it.

The Bulldogs used to be it
in this town.

Most fun you could have
on a Sudbury Saturday night.

The social event of the week!
Standing room only.

It's f*cking
embarrassing now, man.

You think my mom gave me
the keys to the club

because I know everything
about hockey?

f*ck no.

She gave them to me
because she knows I care

and I would take care of it.

f*cking sports are supposed
to bring communities together.

And families. They serve
a purpose. It's important.

- Kids in sports stay off
the streets.

- dr*gs k*ll dreams.

- I just want bums in seats,

families together and watching
the game, like mine did.

No one comes to watch.
No one cares.

- Can you blame them?

- No.
- Sanguinet, shut the f*ck...

- Do you know how hard it is to
give a sh*t about a hockey team

that can't win
a f*cking hockey game?

- The Soo have out scored us
19-0 this year.

- The Soo are so f*cking good.
- Please don't fold.

- Why, Shoresy?
- We're firmly in the basement.

The town's turned
their back on us.

We don't even have a coach now.

What are we supposed to do?

- Never lose again.

- What?

- This team will
never lose again.

- (sighs)
- Wheels are already

in motion, Shoresy.
I gassed Michaels...

- Sanguinet'll coach.
- But I'm a player.

- Sanguinet, you're a healthy
scratch on a last-place club

in the NOSHO, hang 'em up.

- What's your plan?

- Me?
- Oh my God.

- f*cking...

One top line of Canadian
grade studs to fill the nets,

surround 'em with the toughest
Natives we can find.

- Tough Natives is redundant.
- That's a good plan.

- It's a really good plan.
- It's the best f*cking plan

- I ever heard in my life.
- My man.

- We'll just use the money
that you were gonna spend

on Michaels to bring in
four guys who'll turn
this ship right round.

- Then that's four guys
she'll have to put up in hotels.

- They'll stay with me.
- So, you're saying you've got

four studs who will completely
uproot their lives

to live with you and play
senior hockey in Sudbury?

- Are they f*cking inbred?
- Does anyone kind of think

Ziig maybe wishes they were?

- Four-team league,
four games left.

- Timmins, North Bay once,
Soo twice, all four on home ice.

- We could get in right
before the trade deadline.

- I want bums in seats.
- Watch this.

- I can't lose one more game.

- We won't.
- Shoresy.

- This team will never
lose again.

(scoffs)

- If we never lose again,
we win the league.

OK.

- How about that...
- Shut the f*ck up, Sanguinet.

- Get your guys. Be ready.

- We will.

- 'Cause if you lose...
- We won't!

- If you lose one more game...

we fold.

- Nat, if you were about
15 years older...

- f*ck you, Shoresy.
- ...I'd think about it.

- But speaking of
15 years older...

If you really believe
we can do this,

go tell your friend
at the press.

- You sure?
- We do what we say

we're gonna do,
you can take him in.

- We're gonna need to bring
in another sponsor.

A big one.

- And we'll need some
tough Natives.

- Tough Natives is redundant.
- Got 'em.

(grunting)

- Do they play hockey?

- This is Canada,
everyone plays hockey.

- When do you think Shoresy's
going to the press?

- Ten minutes. I've got
the meeting at Doghouse.

You know how much Shoresy
loves Laura Mohr.

- Well, can you
f*cking blame me?

- No, my dude.
- Woo-woo!

- But you really think
we can do this?

Like, Timmins is good
and North Bay is really good.

And the Soo are so f*cking good,
they dummy us.

I feel like we should tell
the league to have an eye for us

folding before playoffs.

- Sanguinet.
- Yeah?

- Give your balls a tug.