01x02 - Veteran Presence

[bunniefuu]

♪ LAF ♪

♪ Listen up boy ♪

♪ Met the shawty at the sherman ♪

♪ She was a lil nervous
'cause of my reputation ♪

♪ I'm a bad influence ♪

♪ She never met a real G
Never seen a whole click ♪

♪ Bsackwood always lit throwing
g*ng signs in this bitch ♪

♪ Yeah I'm from the east
salute my n*gg*s from the west ♪

♪ Everybody chillin time
to give your g*n a rest ♪

♪ Everybody drippin
nobody wearing a vest ♪

♪ Yeah we out here tonight
we blowing a check ♪

♪ Blow it up throw it up
show me where you from ♪

♪ Roll it up spark it up yeah
that's how I do it ♪

♪ no cap always keep it real ♪

♪ On the ice or in the streets
yeah that how I live ♪

♪ Took yo shawty home
I got a brand new recliner ♪

♪ She playing with my kids
while I'm rollin marijuana ♪

♪ Light up the blunt yeah
I do it where I wanna ♪

Veteran presence.

- What's his name?
- Dolo.

- And he's a rap singer?
- What's a f*cking rap singer?

- Picture the rope on that dude.
- Aren't you dating a girl?

- Bet it's an absolute bat.
- Could we go in order?

- What order?
- The order of the plan.

- What plan?
- The plan you asked for.

They sent us over a PDF file
of the sluts they wanna bring on.

- No, we didn't.
- Sluts?

- You.
- Who?

Hockey players.
Sluts.

- Why do they have a GPS file?
- A what?

Well, we put everything in the duotangs.

What happened to handing out the duotangs?

- Huh?
- I put 'em--

- Duotangs?
- You asked for a plan.

Yeah, so then, we put the plan
in the duotangs,

we were gonna give you each a duotang.

- Of the plan.
- So then why do they have

- a PBS file? Huh?
- Well, we were--

I took Miigwan out for sandos
to kinda clear the air

after the party island squeezer and--

Nobody cares about the squeezer, Sanguinet.

And I had the doc of the plan
on my phone to print off

and put in the duotangs...
so I just sent it to them as a PDF.

A what?

Wheels are falling straight off this bitch.

- Just give us the duotangs.
- Even though we already got

the file and Googled the sluts.

So, is Dolo a hockey player
or a rap... ist.

- Could we just go in order?
- Ugh, I'm gonna f*cking kick you, dude.

- For what?!
- Sanguinet, just pass out the duotangs and sit down.

Holy!

Oh my God.

Slow down.

- OK. Ready?
- Me?

- Oh my God.
- Any time.

So, you say the kids don't love winning.

I said they don't hate losing.

Maybe that's why the Soo's outscored us

- - this season.
- The Soo are so f*cking good.

And these are the guys
to show them how to play?

- Veteran presence.
- Well, it's on now.

And we do what we say we're gonna do.

- I want bums in seats, Shoresy.
- I want bums in--

- If you just open--
- Shut the f*ck up, Sanguinet.

Any time.

Yeah, so...

First up's my buddy, Goody.

- Oh my f*cking God, Shoresy.
- What, do you know him?

You kick and scream about the duotangs,

and then you start
your presentation off with,

"First up's my buddy, Goody."

It's a good thing you're funny, Ziigs,

since you're the uglier sister.

- No, she's not.
- Well...

Shoresy, you're about
the dumbest sounding f*ck ever.

I don't even have to present.

You already gave me the money
to bring 'em in.

They're already on airplanes.

All stocked up on ice cream--

- Shut the f*ck up--
- Alright! Just keep going.

Tell us about Brent Goodleaf.

[font color="#cfc"]SHORESY & SANGUINET:[/font] Brant!

Well, he'll have to tell us about him

because you scratched and
pulled hair over the duotangs

and it's literally just a picture
of the guy and his name.

Yeah, well, two words on that page

and Nat read one of 'em wrong,
so it's like--

And normally, people's names
start with a capital letter,

- you f*cking idiot.
- You're such a twat, Ziig.

Just go.

Yeah, so...

His name's Brant Goodleaf.

And we call him Goody.
Mm-hmm.

And he's from Six Nations,
which is down south--

Sorry, I can't, dude.

You sound so f*cking stupid
when you try to be serious.

Like, tell me he doesn't sound
like he's in grade two.

Like the slow kid that has to
put his desk beside the teacher

- so he doesn't flick his snot.
- Shoresy!

Walk out that door
and I'll fold this sh*t so fast.

I'm getting f*cking peppered over here.

It's f*cking batting practice.

We've all gotta shake
some balls in our lives. Zii?

- Can he score?
- Lead the league.

- Which league?
- The show.

- He played in the NHL?
- The other one.

- Which?
- Lacrosse.

He doesn't play hockey anymore.

Just making sure we're all hearing that.

Well, he played Junior A growing up.
In hockey.

And they wanted him to play pro.

But it's just, in lacrosse,

they wanted him to play in the show.

I broke bank for a guy who
doesn't even play anymore?

You broke bank for four guys
who don't play anymore.

I'm gonna f*cking kick you, dude.

- For what?!
- You f*cking basic.

- Well, they're all studs.
I wouldn't bring 'em in

- if they weren't studs.
- Hockey's like riding a bike.

Everybody's already on a team.

I had to find guys who aren't
already on a team.

- Mm-hmm.
- Like, you think guys who are

already on a team are just gonna f*ck off

to Sudbury to play in the NOSHO?
So dumb.

- Sud-berry.
- Hey!

You brought in four guys
who don't play anymore?

- You want bums in seats?
- I wanna sh**t myself

- in the face.
- We'll never lose again.

And yeah, so...
Goody loves chicken.

Well, that's vital.

- Critical.
- Crucial.

- Integral.
- Thank you so much

for that urgent tidbit
on your buddy Goody.

- You bet.
- You simple-minded f*ck.

- Hey, come on, my man.
- Next!

- Dolo.
- Yeah, so,

up next, a guy named Jonathan Diaby.

He's from Blainville, Quebec.

Just picture the rope on that dude.

- Bro, get gayer.
- Guy's a former rd round pick

to the show.
The hockey one.

Stay-at-home defenceman.
Awful to play against.

Huge clapper.

You call your dicks clappers now?

- Clapper's a slap sh*t.
- Yeah, and a sh*t is when you

direct the puck towards the net
with your stick, Ziig,

- you f*cking ditz.
- But now he raps?

- He's a rapper, Nat.
- I've got a video.

♪♪♪

So, he was drafted to the show,

but gave it up for the rap game?

Rap game's a bit overkill, Nat.

She's doing it on purpose now.

How long has it been since he played?

He played in that Quebec Senior League

a couple of years ago.
Made the news

for losing his mind
when him and his parents

- got called the N word at a game.
- As he should.

What happened to the player
who called him that?

No, no, no.

No one on the ice is dumb enough
to f*ck with him.

He'll pop your nose
out the back of your head.

There was a drunk fan
and he got jacked up.

I think I'd bend for that boy.

- You speak French?
- Do you speak Ojibwe?

Better learn, 'cause he'll
only speak French to you.

Formidable.

So, who's my next former hockey player?

Yeah, so, up next, my buddy Hitch.

He's from Mount Pearl, Newfoundland.

And it's kinda funny because
his full name's Ted Hitchcock,

but if you say it real fast,

it sounds like ten-inch cock.

Well, gents. I can't wait
to hear about "Ten inch cock".

I almost believe it at this point.

Veteran presence.

Like, he's a former st round
pick in the show.

- So it's like...
- Like riding a bike, my guy.

Sanguinet, shut the f*ck up.

We seem to be trending upward here.

Finally.

So, you know how Goody loves chicken?

Yeah, Hitch loves Martinis.

Calls 'em Martoonies.
So...

It's good to always have
a bottle of gin on hand,

'cause, boy,
Hitch loves Martoonies.

- Anything else?
- Well, he's from Newfoundland,

so it's kinda tough
to understand what he's saying

- a lot of the time.
- Newfie talk?

- Ever been to Newfoundland?
- No.

You wouldn't call 'em Newfies if you had.

- "Lard" Jesus.
- "Yes, b'y."

OK, last but not least.

Yeah, so, this one's a bit of a tough pill

- to get down the gullet.
- Why?

A bit of history there.

Jean-Jacques Francois Jacques-Jean.

Jean-Jacques Francois Jacques Jean.

JJ Frankie JJ.

Jean-Jacques Francois Jacques-Jean

known by teammates
as JJ Frankie JJ.

Played against him in the
National Senior Championship.

And then?

Frankie, I'm gonna be
in your kitchen all night.

Frankie, get the mozza burger

out of your mouth, you f*cking fatso.

Holy f*ck, Frankie, you look
like you love a good slice.

You get axed from the show and
just start hammering slices or what?

If the cup was a slice,
you think you'd work

a little harder,
you f*cking pizza face?

Hey, go eat some fondue,
you f*cking manatee.

- Ah-ha!
- Hey, have another Baconator,

- you f*cking walrus.
- f*ck you.

- How'd it end?
- W.

I meant between you and him.

Hey, Shoresy.

Hey! I'll send your stuffed crust

to the emergency room,
you fat f*cking pig!

You Bobby Clark'd him

with a golf swing and he still
answered your call?

- Why?
- He's a pretty big deal

in Quebec.
Like, he's dated pretty much

every Quebecois starlet there is.

- French girls.
- Frankie loves them ladies.

I asked why he's coming here.

Because there's an impossible amount

of good-looking girls in Sudbury.

- He played in the show.
- Sounds like bums in seats.

- Veteran presence.
- When do they get here?

Pretty soonski. They're all on
the same flight from Toronto.

Well, drop off their sh*t and
come by mine for a little mixer.

- Oh yeah, a little mingler?
- A little BBQ.

- I'll barbecue.
- A little BBQ mixer mingler.

I'll have the new sponsor
jerseys for you guys too.

They're called sweaters, Ziig,
keep up.

- Suck my d*ck.
- We Jeepin' it, my dude?

Shut the f*ck up, Sanguinet.

Turn it f*cking down.

So dumb.

Yeah, so, you know,
it's like I said.

Obviously, there's only one rule, it's:

- Don't touch the bird.
- Birds are unreal.

Big Sexy.

I never seen one so pretty as that.

Yeah, he'll talk a wee bit too,
eh, Big Sex?

- Tit fucker.
- Yeah, so, it's like I said.

Obviously, I got two beds,
my bed then another bed.

Then there's the couch.
So, gonna have to double up.

Pole to pole
or hole to hole, by's.

Yeah, let's make sure no one's
waking up to the other guy

sleeping hole to hole or anything like that.
It won't be me.

I'd never do anything like that.

Tit fucker.

We've established that, Frankie.

Oh yeah, Frankie on the couch,

since he's such a f*cking potato.

Tit fucker.

I'll just jump in with Goody.

- Settle down.
- Yeah, 'cause like Dolo

and Hitch are gonna be defense partners,

so makes sense that they'd bunk up.

Do ya like Martoonies, me son?

Well, yes sir, buddy,
you stay right there,

- I'll bring one where you're at.
- Yup. We've got a ton

of ice cream in the fridge too.
So, all set there.

Sweet Jesus, b'y,
what ya got there?

- Sanguinet got drumsticks.
- Love a good stick.

You know what's Goody,
b'y, best kind.

Sticks are unbelievable.

- Tit fucker.
- And yeah, so then we'll go

to a little mingler at the GMs here.

We'll go pretty soon there, yeah.

What, do you want to have a stick now?

Quick stick before we go where they're to.

- Yeah, alright.
- Sticks are unbelievable.

Hm, come on with it, then.

f*cking don't even have to ask Frankie.

That's one of the better sticks
I've ever had.

f*ck. Forgot to call me parents.

- Did you not call your parents?
- Settle down.

Mom's gonna be right rotted.

Did none of yous not call your parents?

She's gonna be right crooked, she is.

So, like, you took an airplane

and then didn't call your
parents to say you got here safe?

Tit fucker.

Well, you better call 'em,
let 'em know you got here safe.

I don't know, they must be big
sh*ts taking airplanes every day

of the week or something,
getting here not calling their parents.

No, they got here two hours ago

and they still haven't called their parents.
I know, so dumb.

Laura Mohr.

Let me just start by saying
there is no other place

I would rather be in the entire world

than right here with you right now.

- Hey, Shoresy.
- Can't you see, I'm just

completely taken by it.
Like, I've never known a feeling like this.

- Sluts assembled?
- Why are we doing this here

when we could be over at
Star Dumpling House?

- Let's get some f*ckin' bibimbap.
- How do they feel

- about never losing again?
- How do you feel about it?

I don't care.

Oh, you are an absolute stallion.

- You're a horse face.
- I won't rest 'till I get even

- a shoulder pat from you.
- That would be the most

a man has got from me
in a very long time, Shoresy.

Hey, you ever been sitting
across from someone

just trying to have
a normal conversation,

fighting every urge inside
yourself to just scream out,

- "Yeah!"
- Shut the f*ck up.

Oh, I've never let myself be so vulnerable

with someone before.
It feels amazing.

- You are a lot, dude.
- God, would I be good to ya.

- Yeah?
- I'd be good to ya

- like crazy.
- How good?

Like, you wake up in the morning,

I'm right there being good to you.

- That's actually unsettling.
- How do you feel about

a couple steaks and some corn on the cob?

- With your four roommates?
- Five!

Apologies to Big Sexy.

I'll honour ya 'till the day I die,
I swear to God.

From the guy infamous for wheeling
two of his friends' moms in Letterkenny.

- They aren't my friends.
And their moms were wheeling me.

Text me the score after the game.

- Are you not coming?
- Huh?

- Huh?
- I got my kid this weekend.

Well, no one gets a good story
from just a score.

And no one cares.

Let's say we do this next time

over a nice piping hot bowl
of miso ramen?

Do you guys like paninis?

We're almost there.

- You're going to jail.
- For what?

That's where our tough Natives are.

Our tough Natives are in jail?

- Tough Natives is redundant.
- They work there, Shoresy.

Well, you made it sound
like they were in jail.

- That is so r*cist.
- No, it isn't.

You see, that's the problem
right there,

is that your mind immediately
goes to them being in jail!

It was a misunderstanding.

- You're the problem.
That's what's happening here

- is that you're the problem.
- Holy.

Yeah so, it's too bad you guys
couldn't make the little mingler,

but ther'll plenty of time
for another mixer,

a little team builder.
A little room booster.

Yeah, so, Shoresy, Goody,
JJ, Dolo, and Hitch.

And it's kinda funny with Hitch,

because his full name's Ted Hitchcock.

But if you say it real fast,
it sounds like "ten-inch cock".

- Been called worse, b'ys.
- I'm San--

- Roll call. We ready?
- Yeah.

- Jim.
- Jim.

- Two Jims.
- Jim.

Are you all three Jim?

Alright, well, you'll need nicknames.
What are your last names?

We'd prefer to be called
by our first names.

But then you're all three Jim.

Our names are Jim.

So, you all three wanna be called Jim?

But you see how we're a bit
bunged up here though, right?

Like, if Sanger calls down the bench, "Jim,
you're going,"

you won't know what Jim.

Jims'll all likely be--

Shut the f*ck up, Sanguinet.

Maybe if he just says Jim a different way

for each of the b'ys
from where you're too,

then they'll know which ones
to come where you're at.

Did you just have a stroke, Hitch?

You know, like, sing 'em.

You're having a f*cking brain hematoma.

- Settle down.
- Nah, like, Jim, Jim, Jim.

Hitch, it's a hockey team,
it's not f*cking Miss Saigon.

Why not ask the Jims what they wants?

This is not Andrew Lloyd Weber
presents the Jims.

Why don't you just ask the b'ys?

'Cause I don't have f*cking , minutes.

Well then, the arse has gone
right out of 'er then.

Jesus Christ super star.

Alright.
So, you all three wanna be Jim.

- Our names are Jim.
- Yeah, I know...

your names are Jim.
So, how about your Jimmer,

you're Jimmy, you're Jimbob.

So then you all get to be some
version of Jim

and we don't gotta be in f*cking... tats.

Our names are Jim.

- Alright, you're all three Jim.
That's it, that's all.

You ever have a Slim Jim?

Well, you may as well all
go down to the Coulson

when you're done work and have
a little beer with the boys.

And me and, who knows, maybe
we'll throw on some f*cking

Les Miserables for Hitch.
Hey, Hitch?

You gonna wear that or your
f*cking Technicolor dream coat?

f*cking Phantom of the Opera.

A Newfie, a Native,
and two Quebeckers.

Veteran presence.

Sanguinet is such a cutie-patootie.

He doesn't even have a hockey butt.

You sweet on any of 'em?

- You don't get sweet on sluts.
You just take 'em down.

Would you take any of them down?

I'd take down a caribou
if it meant bums in seats.

I think the caribou
would have to take you down.

They better be talking Ws.

f*cking, you take popcorn
chicken over popcorn shrimp?

Chicken's unbelievable.

Holy.
Popcorn chicken over popcorn shrimp.

Well, that's some mainlander
if I ever seen one.

- Even if it was at Red Lobster?
- Alright, alright.

OK, would you take popcorn chicken

over just regular movie theatre
popcorn, but with butter?

But it's for the rest of your life.

- Settle down.
- Here's a club soda, my guy.

- Thanks, Sanger.
- She's bad luck cheersing

with a water, though.

I'll just go easy,
I gotta work later.

Well, a little bit more than that.

Game one of four on deck.

Everyone of 'em, sudden deathski.

You know what I mean though
in that the caribou would have

- to take you down?
- Yup.

Like, a human man could take down a caribou,

but a woman couldn't 'cause
with the caribous like--

Anatomy.

Yeah. The caribou--

Well, the caribou would have
to do all the work.

Yeah. And that's why I said

a caribou would have to take you down.

Better be all hockey over there.

By's, can we get on the go with
the cheese for the burgers or what?

Whew! Sanger, that's some
good-looking cuisine.

Mine are chicken burgers.

What, you wanna throw
the singles on there now?

- Settle down.
- Like, you means Kraft singles?

Yeah, I think it's a good time
to throw the singles on now.

You know, shredded cheese is
kind of more for tacos I think.

Like, what are you talking,
like a little Italian blend?

- Sanger. Ever had gelato?
- Maybe a little Tex-Mex?

Yeah, it's a bit fancy, but...

You ever put singles on a taco, me son?

Well, that's a good way
to ruin a taco, Hitch.

- One time out on the boat.
- Whew!

Look at Sanger with the singles here.

Might even double single 'em, boys.

It's f*cking "two singles"
Sanger here now.

Tacos are unbelievable.

- Timmins tomorrow night.
- f*cking Timmers.

- Home of Shania Twain.
- Pff.

It don't impress me much, brother.

- Celine.
- Still the one.

At least we're on our own barn.

I hate those big f*cking Dutchmen.

Dutch last names are
so f*cking long and Dutch,

they barely fit on the backs
of their sweaters.

They look f*cking ridiculous.

- Klumpenhouwer.
- Blankenbiller.

- De Bardeladen.
- Schowengerdtner.

- Van Zandermeulen.
- De Rentmeester.

- Van Benschoten.
- Sollenbergerstadt.

- And of course...
- The Apeldoorns.

Dutchmen always have tons of kids,

so they can help
with chores on the farm.

So, Timmins has the previously
mentioned Dutchmen.

- Klumpenhouwer.
- Blankenbiller.

- De Bardeladen.
- Schowengerdtner.

- Van Zandermeulen.
- De Rentmeester.

- Van Benschoten.
- Sollenbergerstadt.

And then, the Apeldoorns.

- Eight of them. Brothers.
- Big f*ck off, Dutch farm boys.

You'll know which ones are
the youngest brothers

because they've had their gear
handed down brother by brother

over the years and it's barely
f*cking intact.

Like, they got like frayed
toe caps on their skates

like they're super pov.

They look like they pulled them
out of the dump.

When they got to Junior,
instead of buying half visors,

they just torched the bottoms
off their cages.

They look like they walked
straight out of the dump.

Alley-oop. Later.

I gotta work.

Don't you wanna see your new sweaters?

There ya go, sweaters,
not jerseys.

You f*cking ugly sack of sh*t.

Well, looks like you can
teach an old dog new tricks.

- Thought I was a bit young.
- Well, you're for sure a dog.

Alright. We had to bring on
a new sponsor

to pay for the sluts.
So, Nat went out and found one.

For the sluts who aren't from here,

in Sudbury, we're known for
our below-ground exports.

Copper, nickel, etcetera.
But we've also become known

for a certain above-ground
natural resource

- over the years as well.
- I gotta work.

The Sudbury Blueberry Festival

has become a massive tourist draw

since its genesis years ago.

- Blueberries are unbelievable.
- They've generated a ton

of dough and they've graciously
volunteered to help us

- pay for you sluts, so...
- Fruits. Unbelievable.

- Blueberry Bulldogs?
- Your new sweaters.

The Sudbury Blueberry Bulldogs.

That's what's up.

We're the Sud-berry Blueberry Bulldogs?

We get it bud,
you learned how to read.

- That's f*cking embarrassing.
- My man, it's Sudbury--

Shut the f*ck up, Sanguinet.

No, but you pronounce it
Sudbury Blueberry Bulldogs.

- Does it f*cking matter?!
It's a fruit.

May as well be called the f*cking
Sudbury Banana Boat Bulldogs.

- My man, just--
- f*cking Sudbury Nectarine

Neopolitan Mastiffs.

You ever had Goji berries?

- It was this or fold, fucker.
Go to work.

- Where's the "sy"?
- What's the point?

This better not be f*cking out there.

I'm gonna hear all about it.

f*cking Sudbury Fruit
Salad French Spaniels.

Hey, Shoresy,

I'm looking to whip up a nice
fruit cocktail for my sweetie.

Got any blueberries?

Blueberry Bulldogs sounds
like a fruit snack, bud.

Might as well be
the Sudbury Sour Patch Kids.

If you need a hand pickin' fruit,

there's eight Apeldoorn's
comin' to town tomorrow

- and the Dutch know hard work.
- Honestly, bud,

the Sudbury Passion Fruits
would sound tougher.

Sudbury Honey Dew Hounds.

Take that championship pedigree
straight to the Soo

and get pumped for another .

You oughta take Sudbury

Coconut Corgis out for a test drive.

Look out boys, here come

the Pink Lady Apple Pomeranians!

What do you think about
Sudbury Watermelon Westiepoos?

- That'll get'em real fired up!
- Where do I sign up

for the Sudbury Avocado
Australian Stumpy Tail Cattle Dogs?

I'd ask why you're covering
these donkeys and not us,

- but I think I know the answer.
- No one cares.

That's so f*cking embarrassing, Shoresy.

I know. Why do you think
I'm eating it?

- Embarrassing.
- You know what's embarrassing,

Core?
Your Mom started an OnlyFans

to try to make me jealous
and I haven't laughed that hard

since Liam's mom tried the same thing.

- f*ck you, Shoresy.
- f*ck you, Liam,

your mom made me a mix CD
with only three bands on it.

Moist, The Wailers,
and Wet Wet Wet.

- f*ck you, Shoresy.
- Well, if you can dish it out,

you can take it, boys.
I give your moms so much wood

they call my d*ck Beaver Lumber.

The Apeldoorns can't wait to take a run

at the Green Grape Goldendoodles, bud.

Yeah, tell the Strawberry
Shortcake Miniature Schnauzers

- we said good luck.
- Go Kiwi-Pineapple Puggles!

Give your balls a tug.

♪♪♪