01x04 - If You Can't Win, Don't Play

[bunniefuu]

ZIIGWAN: I think we should change angles.

NAT: Why?

ZIIGWAN: He looks like he's not even breathing.

MIIGWAN: That's hockey players.

Big personalities on the ice,
but you can't pay them

to have a shart of charisma away from it.

This is so dumb.

ZIIGWAN: There you go.
There is some life.

NAT: Do you think that
we should showcase the teeth?

- That's uniquely hockey, right?
- MIIGWAN: I don't know.

NAT: I think we should.
MIIGWAN: You think people would like that?

ZIIGWAN: Worst case, they feel
bad for him and they say like,

"OK, slugger, we'll come watch you play."

NAT: Shoresy!
Smile for a second.

ZIIGWAN: Take the dip out of your lip.

- Me?
ZIIGWAN: Holy f*ck.

- Go? Huh?
ZIIGWAN: Shoresy.

ZIIGWAN: Is this the first
time you've sat in a stool?

- NAT: Ziig.
- It isn't a stool, idiot.

- NAT: Go.
- Stools don't have back rests.

MIIGWAN: Action!

Are you and your family
looking for something fun to do

- on a Sudbury Saturday night?
- NAT: Ziig!

MIIGWAN: OK, do it again.

Are you and your family
looking for something fun to do

on a Sudbury Saturday night?
[GIGGLING]

- NAT: Ziigwan!
- MIIGWAN: Why are you saying

- "and" like that?
- Because on the card,

you've got "and" written in bold.

ZIIGWAN: That's italics, you dumb f*ck.

f*ck you, Ziig,
you f*cking twat.

- NAT: You alright, Sanguinet?
- MIIGWAN: Leave him alone.

ZIIGWAN: He looks like he's in rigor mortis.

NAT: Are you nervous or something?

- A bit.
- SHORESY: Sanger, you look like

someone stuck a giant
Popsicle stick to your spine

- and is holding you up by it.
- MIIGWAN: f*ck you, Shoresy.

SHORESY: Well, he looks like an idiot.

- NAT: Shut up.
- SHORESY: It's like someone's

holding him like a puppet.

What's that called, a taxidermist?

MIIGWAN: "Vantriloquist", you dunce.

ZIIGWAN: It's actually ven-triloquist.

SHORESY: Uh-oh, Ziig,
looks like your sister's

better looking and smarter.

NAT: Isn't it marionette?

I have to pee.

Are you and your family
looking for something fun to do

on a Sudbury Saturday night?

[LAUGHTER]

ZIIGWAN: The italics are f*cking them up, Nat.

- What're ya at, old man?
- SHORESY: Hitch, you're such

a f*cking beauty, I sometimes forget

what an odd-looking east coast c**t you are.

SHORESY: Looks like he brushes
his teeth with a brick, eh?

- SHORESY: Cut!
- Is it Saturday Sudbury night

- or Sudbury Saturday night?
- SHORESY: Cut!

So now I don't say what's on the card?

- No, just--
- Huh?

Just say what you want!

- Yeah, so--
MIIGWAN: Don't swear!

Yeah, so, we got a different team now.

Like, even Sanger was on the last one, so.

But now, he's coach and he's - so.

So the Bulldogs aren't fu--
rigging around anymore.

The Bulldogs are gonna compete.

So, if you wanna see
the new Bulldogs then...

get your bums in a seat.

Cut.

[UPBEAT MUSIC]

- I'm gonna put you on your ass!
- For what?

Do not let him ruin it this time, Laurence.

- Well, sounds like you want
your dance to suck then, eh Kayla?

- Plant your feet, girl.
- Huh?

- Plant your feet, girl?
- Tell your uncle what's up.

- Stay here.
- That's what's up.

- Alright, well, I'll stay here.
Sounds like you don't want

anyone watching your dance, that's fine.

We didn't even get
to do the whole thing because

- you were trying to stunt.
- Oh, I'm just saying,

I heard some people saying they
thought it lacked inclusion,

- but whatever, it doesn't matter.
- f*ck you, Waffle.

- I'm just saying I heard some people saying
they thought it lacked representation.

So I just wanted to do something
so she didn't get in trouble.

- Doesn't matter.
- Stay!

- Yeah, I'll stay here.
But just so you know,

Carrie got Facebooked
by some people saying they heard

Justin Timberlake was down here
doing some moves or whatever,

- but doesn't matter.
- f*ck Facebook.

- f*cking Twitter'd or whatever.
- Twitter's a cult.

f*cking Shawn Mendes or whatever.

- I'm a Belieber!
- He can skate.

- Don't ruin it, Waffle.
- Alright, well,

just go get me a Puppers and it's a deal.

Sup, Free?
Hmm?

Looking a little anxious over
there for someone who smells

- like a Bob Marley fan.
- Kid, don't be a tic.

Hey, Free, why don't you go
smoke another joystick?

[CHUCKLES]
Hey, Free, why don't we pick up

- a sack, smoke a session?
- Waffle.

Eh, Free? Wanna smoke a homegrown?
Let's torch one.

Get you feelin' all smoochy-woochy.

Eh? Got some of that good
Panatella Tommy Chong?

Mm-hmm. Got some of that
Maracachefa Manteca Mafafa?

- Do your thing, pop.
- Watch your mouth, Dad.

- Wish me luck.
Hello, luck.

Hey, Free, save me some of that swaggy.
Nothing too stemmy.

Well, thank you for coming
to our annual family reunion.

[CHEERS]

I appreciate all the
highfalutin city bullshit

you've managed to put aside.

[APPLAUSE]
You know...

These gatherings are important
because they remind ya

of where you came from and how
proud you should be of where you are.

[APPLAUSE]

My first foster child was
the one they call Shoresy.

- But the one you call...
- ALL: Waffle.

[LAUGHTER]

As you can see,

he was full bars fat.

Well, I was a little fatso
myself at the time, right?

[LAUGHTER]
Which is why I assumed

they put him with me.

We were a pair of chubsy
butter-wubsys, huh?

A couple of real ponchy-jumbos.

Now, being fubsy was of no
consequence to me down on the farm,

but Shoresy was being teased at school

for being a roly-poly.

Well, what did they call ya?

Plupy-Dumpers, Dumpy-chubbers,

- Whale-Whopper, Salad Dodger--
- Ha, full bars fat.

And I could tell he was starting
to not like himself very much.

[MICROPHONE FEEDBACK]

But then, Morris came.

ALL: Big Mo! Big Mo!
[APPLAUSE]

Now, when Morris arrived,
Shoresy was eating a lot of waffles,

which was the nickname Morris gave him.
And it stuck.

ALL: Waffle.

He was as big as a house.

I was as big as a f*cking
international house of pancakes.

- [LAUGHTER]
- Every time you walked

into a room, there he was with a mouthful.

And a bead of sweat just
dripping off his one chin.

He was snacking eight,
nine waffles for breakfast.

- Well, there's eight to a pack.
I wouldn't cr*ck open

a whole new pack just for a ninth Eggo.

I'd f*cking add a bowl of cereal.

He was all sorts of cinnamon-roly.

He was freezing chocolate
bars, crunching 'em up

with a hammer, and sprinkling
'em on his waffles.

OK, Waffle, you got a good idea there.

I was nuking 'em for a bit there too.

Well, his whole life was a sundae bar.

Melting down Butterfingers
in the microwave at noon.

My whole plate looked like
a f*cking easter basket.

- [LAUGHTER]
- But then Morris came.

ALL: Big Mo! Big Mo!

Now, Morris was an athlete
with no one to play with.

So, Shoresy was given the task.

It was me and Waffle everywhere.

Me and Waffle on the soccer field.

Hey Waffle, you run like a girl!

Me and Waffle at the ball park.

Hey Waffle, you throw like a girl!

Me and Waffle at the tennis court.

- Hey Waffle, I'm gonna f*ck...
- BOTH: ...Serena Williams!

- [LAUGHTER]
- Day after day

and game after game, Morris just
pounded him into the ground.

- Uh-huh.
- Did he ever b*at you, Dad?

If you can't win,
don't play, baby.

Shoresy and Morris would
compete from sun up to sun down.

With Shoresy losing and losing
and losing again.

Which, of course,
made him feel bad.

He started to really hate it.
But then,

something clicked up there.

He started to do something different.

Shoresy started to play not just
with Morris, but without Morris.

And you know what happened?
He started to get better.

And before you knew it, one day,
Shoresy b*at Morris.

[SOFT APPLAUSE]
Well, just the one time,

- but he did b*at him.
- Give your balls a tug.

He's been chasing that feeling ever since.

And along the way,
with all the work,

the weight came off him.
[APPLAUSE]

- I hate this story.
Don't be fat, and feel better.

Yeah, let's figure out
what makes you feel good.

- Sometimes you need a little bit
of tough love to get yourself sorted.

Never going back again, baby.

Crank it up, buddy,
you're up next.

- [LAUGHING]
- Now, for all Waffle was fat,

- Morris was dumb.
- ALL: Big Mo! Big Mo!

f*cking Mo was way dumber
than I was fat.

- You could barely run.
- You could barely read.

So there I am,
straight out of the gate

with a fat one and a dumb one.
[LAUGHTER]

Mo, you honestly wanna say

that I was as fat as you were dumb?

What are you gonna do, Waffle?

Mo, your social worker
said two things to Dad.

He said, "You OK with Blacks?"
Dad says, "Yeah."

He says, "Well, how about a dumb one?"

Shut up, Waffle!

No, that may have been said, Kayla.

- Hand to heart, Kayla.
- And as I'm wondering

if this was all a big mistake,
in walks Carrie.

ALL: Care bear count down,
four, three, two, one!

[CHUCKLING]

Now, where Morris helped
Waffle with being fat,

Carrie helped Morris with being dumb.

- Morris wasn't that dumb.
He just needed a good tutor.

Hey Mo, what comes after a thousand?

- Two thousand.
- A thousand and one!

- [LAUGHTER]
- Yeah, as a social worker,

I can confidently say
that Mo's social worker

- wouldn't have called him dumb.
- Well, actually, Care,

it was dumb, and then later,
real f*cking dumb.

You know, I think that was said.

Well, real f*cking dumb has a Tim Hortons

franchise, bitch.
Owner Operator.

No way the social worker said dumb.

You wanna know what your social worker

said to Dad, Carrie?
He said, "You OK with Asians?"

Dad says, "Yeah."
And she says, "Well, how about a gay one?"

- f*ck you, Waffle.
[CROWD GASPS]

- No, Free.
That was definitely said.

- Something you wanna say, Free?
- You don't want it, girl.

- He don't want it.
- Free!

- Let's get into it, Waffle.
'Cause you're gonna hear this.

You're all gonna hear this.

I know you all see our engagement rings.

I know you're all talking.

Those two girls can't be together,
it ain't right.

Well, guess what?!
Carrie is not my sister.

She's my foster sister,

so it's completely fine
that we're getting married.

Sounds perfectly fine.

And she was only my foster sister

- for a year and a half.
- Just keep saying you're sisters,

Free, it's likely one of those
"the more you hear it" things.

- CARRIE & FREE: Dad!
- You both call him Dad, Care!

- I mean, it's like--
- You were called sisters

and brothers on the farm.

Hey, Free, you know
any brothers with sisters

who fire digits up each other?

But you're not blood.

Right?

So, I think it's perfectly fine

for you to get married, Free.

- [APPLAUSE]
- Thank you!

But, you didn't seriously think

we weren't gonna take
the piss out of ya, did ya?

[LAUGHING]

You're worth it.

Get a room you
f*cking sister wife!

[UPBEAT MUSIC]

So there was no foster mom?

- No, just the dad.
- Huh.

Hence the fascination for older women.

You coming to the game tonight?

- Laurence Leboeuf!
- Laurence Leboeuf!

- Laurence Leboeuf!
Bonjour!

Salut!

Remy Nadeau.

Avec mon partenaire Benoit...

- Benny!
- Benoit Benny Brodeur.

- Et moi, Remy Nadeau.
- Laurence Leboeuf!

Laurence Leboeuf!

Yup.

BOTH: Ah.

Remy Nadeau avec mon partenaire Benoit...

Benny Coach!

- Benoit Benny Brodeur.
We go everywhere JJ go.

- I do the plays-by-play.
- And I do the colours!

Benoit Benny Brodeur do the colours.

I, Remy Nadeau,
do the plays-by-play.

- Laurence Leboeuf.
- Laurence Leboeuf.

- Lysandre Nadeau?
[MUMBLING]

- Lysandre Nadeau.
Remy Nadeau.

All the Quebecois starlets,
they love the JJ.

All of Quebec love him, coach.

[UPBEAT MUSIC]

- Oui, allo, Lysandre Nadeau.
- Coucou.

Oh my God, no way,
Laura Mohr is the hottest girl

in Sudbury, you f*cking idiot.
Oh my God.

Oh, hey, Laura. Did you just
hear that piece of sh*t? So dumb.

Judging by the parking lot,
a handful of people care now.

Sudbury Saturday night.

Cheapest drinks in the city too.

When are you gonna let me take
you out for some good Caribbean?

- I don't date sluts.
- My God are you good-looking.

I know I may come off as a real
devil-may-care kind of guy,

but we both know you'd run my show.

- Yeah? How so?
- I'd take a header off

the Bridge of Nations
just to brush arms with ya.

- Oh?
- I'd full gainer down the cr*ck

in Kilarney just to hold your purse.

- Mm.
- I'd sit my bare ass

on the big nickel just to have
you flick some debris off my shirt,

I swear to God,
I'd be so good to ya.

- Does North Bay's captain still
have the biggest C in the league?

It's the biggest f*cking C in the world.

- [CHUCKLES]
- See ya.

Hey, when was the last time

you had some good assorted tempura.

f*ck you, Shoresy!

For what?!

- You guys win one--
- Huh?

You guys win one game
and you think you can just

cruise in five minutes before warm-up?

- Yeah--
- Huh?

It's senior whale sh*t hockey, Ziig,

it's not the f*cking Knight's Watch.

- Senior AAA.
- Whale sh*t all the same.

You're in half an hour before
warm-up now, minimum.

- For what?!
- Ride the bike--

Huh?

- Ride the bike!
- Nat, if I want a good laugh,

- I'll watch Mr. Bean.
- I'm serious.

What bike?!

Take your pick.

Sponsors at the Blueberry Festival

were so fired up about your win

they decided to invest in another.

- No one's gonna use this.
- I know.

- Not one player will use this.
[SIGHS]

- Good work, Blueberry Fest.
- Like, the bikes, maybe.

People love biking.

Three bikes is excessive though.

They think we've got three f*cking

Rod Brind'amours or what?
[SIGHS]

- They were so fired--
- Huh?

They were so fired up when they wheeled

- all this sh*t in.
- Are you trying not to laugh?

- I had to pretend to be fired up
too because they were so fired up.

Does it come with some f*cking
Gary Roberts tapes or what?

I don't think they understand
Senior "Whale sh*t" Hockey.

Senior AAA.

SHORESY & NAT: Whale sh*t all the same.

- Like, watch this.
Hey, Jims.

- They work out, Jim?
- Yeah.

When was the last time you worked out, Jim?

- .
- Jim?

- Grade ten.
- Jim?

I'd have to think about that, Shoresy.

I can't quite recall right now.

The truth is, I never really
enjoyed doing cardio.

Thanks, Jims.

I wanted to tell them most of these guys

have families and jobs,
they don't play Senior hockey

to come to the rink and work out.

- I bet the Soo work out.
- The Soo are so f*cking good.

Seriously though,
don't cut it so close.

Get a good warm up in
or you're gonna get hurt.

- Tell the sluts.
- You tell 'em.

- They're not here.
- Are they not here yet?

- Shoresy, do you see--
- Huh?

Come with me.

North Bay Norseman, baby.
Gonna win?

Well, if you can't win, don't play.

- 'Cause if we lose.
- We'll never lose again, Ziig.

I hate playing these guys.

Well, I f*cking love playing these guys.

Because they don't b*at us
as bad as the Soo?

No, 'cause of the C on their
captain's sweater.

- Keller?
- It's the biggest C you've

ever seen in your life.
Ziig, I can see you're real

slammed here and everything,

but is someone gonna call the boys or no?

- I got us a new tendy.
- From who?

- No--
- Huh?

No one, he doesn't play anymore.

Well, sounds way f*cking
dumber when you say it.

- A little heads up--
- Oh my God,

is it this guy right here?

Did you get him from
f*cking Cirque du Soleil?

Cirque de Soleil,
and no answer from Dolo.

It's actually Cirque du Soleil,

and no answer from Sanguinet either.

- You know him.
- No, I don't know either

- of the Ringling Brothers.
- And you're gonna be--

Hey, bud, are you a f*cking
panhandler or something?

Actually, you got a dip?

Mark Michaels?

Already, Nat?

Our new tendy is f*cking Mark Michaels?

- You're go--
- Huh?!

- You're gonna be nice to him.
- It starts already, Nat.

We lose on the campaign,
you gas him, then we win one,

and so, you bring him back?
Huh?

- See, I knew that--
- Shut up!

I knew this was a bad idea, Nat.

- You shut up too.
- Well, I knew it, Nat.

She said shut up, slut.

Why are you saying her name so much?

- Do you see, Nat?
- Michaels!

He said your name like, times.

- Shut up.
- So annoying.

- Nat!
[TOGETHER] Oh my God!

- Just shut up.
And you, shut up.

- No answer from Hitch.
- No answer from Goody.

- Both of you, listen.
You're gonna apologize to him.

- For what?!
- For what?

And you're gonna apologize to him.

And then, you're not gonna
talk to him anymore.

I don't wanna talk to him f*cking ever.

Good, 'cause I don't wanna
talk to him either.

- Oh, give your balls a tug.
- NAT: Shoresy!

He should be apologizing to me.

- What the... Excuse me!
- [MOCKING] Excuse me!

For what?

For being such a f*cking loser.

Know what?
That's it.

f*cking tit fucker.

- I'm out.
- Yeah, take your balls

- with you, pheasant.
- Shoresy, apologize or we fold!

You can't just hold that over my head

every time you need something.

- Yes, I can.
- ZIIG & MIIG: Yes, she can.

Yes, she can, but she shouldn't.

We need him.
Tendy quit.

Tendy finally wins a game

- and he f*cking quits?
- Oh, I wonder why!

Well, at least there's
a bigger loser than Michaels.

He's not supposed to be talking to me, Nat!

I wasn't talking to him,
I was talking to you.

Shoresy, he wants to win.

- But he doesn't hate to lose.
- Apologize!

- Well, I'm sorry.
- For what?

- I don't know.
- For the party island squeezer in Wasaga.

I didn't get the squeezer from her!

Sanguinet got the squeezer from her.

Her brothers are super weird.

But you were taking
a f*cking dump in the water!

Everybody was taking a dump in the water!

- It's f*cking Wasaga!
- Apologize or we fold.

- Sorry, bud.
- To him!

- Sorry, bud.
- Thank you. Apology accep--

Is there seriously nothing
back from the boys?

- ZIIG & MIIG: No!
- Get your sh*t on.

- You ready?
- Of course.

Why do you think they call me

"Never misses the Mark Michaels"?

That's so f*cking embarrassing, Nat.

That's f*cking humiliating.
How do you not chirp that?

Look, we just made the rules right now,

and look, he's talking to me, Nat!

I'm talking to her!

f*cking tit fucker.

Hey, everything's bigger
in North Bay, eh Keller?

You f*cking loser.
Hey, Keller, when they put

that big f*ck off C on your sweater,

did they think you'd grow into it or what?

Like, were they pissed
when you didn't, or what?

Hey, Keller, you got any leadership tips?

Just looking for some tips
on being a leader.

Jesus Christ, Keller,
if they tried to put

that big f*ck off C on my sweater,
I'd say, "No thanks."

- Hey, Jim.
- Yeah.

- Jim?
- Yes.

- Jim?
- Yeah, it's nice

you're thinking of me, but
I don't think it's a good idea.

Making it bigger doesn't
make it better, Keller.

It's not tits.

- Miig?
- Nothing.

- Ziig?
- Still nothing.

- You worried?
- Wee bit.

- Me too.
- Bigger fish to fry,

for a second.
You said a quarter full?

That is a thing I said.

- You worried?
- Wee bit.

- Me too.
- Only one way to find out.

Bums in seats, baby, let's go.

Bums in seats.

Call it more like one-eighth full.

Nat, what the f*ck?

f*ck you, what the f*ck, Shoresy,
where are the sluts?

- Are they not here?
- No--

- Huh? Not even Sanger? Huh?
- NAT & MIIG: No!

Do we have a chance without them?

You f*cking plug.

So, what do we do?

If you can't win, don't play.

What?!

[BUZZER]

[SPEAKING FRENCH]

- Laurence Leboeuf.
- Laurence Leboeuf!

So, what they do, try to wait

till the other guy leave the ice,

but Shoresy, Keller,
not giving it up.

It's a Stevie Wonder superstition.

[INDISTINCT COMMENTARY IN FRENCH]

No, don't do that.

[INDISTINCT COMMENTARY IN FRENCH]

[CHEERING]

[UPBEAT MUSIC]