01x05 - Hockey Brings People Together

[bunniefuu]

[DISCO MUSIC]

♪ We were born to be alive ♪

♪ We were born to be alive ♪

♪ Born... Born to be alive ♪

♪ Born to be alive ♪

♪ Yes we were born ♪

♪ Born ♪

♪ Born ♪

♪ Born to be alive ♪

♪ Time was on my side
when I was running ♪

♪ Down the street
It was so fine, fine, fine ♪

♪ A suitcase and an old guitar ♪

♪ And something new to occupy
My mind, mind, mind ♪

♪ Yes we were born ♪

♪ Born
Born to be alive ♪

♪ Born to be alive ♪

♪ Yes we were born ♪

♪ Born ♪

♪ Born ♪

♪ Born to be alive ♪

♪ People ask me why
I never find a place ♪

♪ To stop and settle
down, down, down ♪

♪ But I never wanted
All those things ♪

♪ People need to justify
Their lives, lives, lives ♪

♪ Yes we were born ♪

♪ Born
Born to be alive ♪

♪ Born to be alive ♪

MAN: Hockey brings people together.

Loyal to the soil, b'ys,
loyal to the soil!

Everybody always drops
their stick in a brawl,

you should never drop your stick
in a brawl, it's so dumb.

- Sticks are unbelievable.
- You just hold onto your stick

and then wheel around slashing
guys who are fighting your guys.

It's so dumb.

Hey, just like spear 'em
in the nuts or golf 'em

in the ankle or like, slash 'em
in their bare hands.

If they break a digit,
they're out four to six.

- What the f*ck?
- What?

What do you mean, what?

What do you mean, what the f*ck?

- What?
- Huh?

- What do I mean?
- Yeah.

What do you mean?

- What?
- Do you mean what the f*ck

regarding the brawl
or what the f*ck regarding

everyone in here eating ice cream?

The... the ice cream first, actually.

- What is this?
- This?

- Yeah.
- This is the gayest sh*t

I've ever seen.

- Stick?
- Sticks are unreal.

- f*ck you, Shoresy.
- For what?

- For pulling my f*cking hair!
- Settle down.

So he can talk to me,
but I can't talk to him?

I was talking to everyone!

Well, there, he was for sure

- talking to me.
- Don't talk to him.

- What am I supposed to do?!
He pulled my hair!

Cry here or go cry in your car, tit fucker.

- He can't talk to me.
- I was talking to everybody.

Where were you guys?

Get here in time instead
of standing on your dicks.

He might actually be capable of that,
eh, big boy?

Now, the brawl.

Only caught the ass end of 'er, b'ys,

but I never seen one so bad as that.

Well, there's brawls
and there's warm-up brawls.

And I think the distinction
is important, b'y.

We're looking at suspensions here.

Well, they're not gonna sussy
us with only two games left.

They might, my guy.

We'll get fined up the ass for sure.

- Why'd you start a brawl?
- If you can't win, don't play.

What happened to never lose again?

And what happened to bums in seats?

ALL: Ooh!

The league will throw this game out.

I told you the program right from the start

of the very beginning. Sanger?

- Run 'em up, fill 'em in.
- Couldn't run 'em up.

Got a dip?

I hate going to the league.

When was the last time you went?

I used to go all the time with my mom.

- See, who f*cking cares.
Used to be brawls like this

all the time in this league.

There's brawls and then
there's warm-up brawls,

and I think the distinction's important.

- Yes, sir.
- The league can give

their balls a tug.

Got it pretty bad, eh, Fish?

You too, eh, Sommerfeld?

Whitey got it the worst.

Keep your finger out of there, me son.

The Jims look ravishing.

- Hey, Jim.
- Yeah.

- Jim?
- Pardon?

- Jim?
- I think exfoliating

is just as important as moisturizing,

but we'll talk about that later.

The Jims are such f*cking beauties.

- Unbelievable.
- Can you believe it?

- Best combo.
- They're such a f*cking--

Way to play your roles.

Your jobs are to make room
for the studs out there.

Get in front of sh*ts.
I see three guys

who did their jobs tonight.
Eh, Shoresy?

Uh, by the look of it, yeah.

Nat, North Bay came at us tonight.

If it isn't enough that
the brawl was in our tunnel,

take some photos of these guys
to the league.

Pretty clear to me which team
should get the sussy.

- Sanguinet.
- Sanguinet!

Aren't you impressed with him right now?

[OVERLAPPING CHATTER]

It's the perfect example

of how he's adapting to his role.

- He's taking it seriously.
- Boys.

You've already had sticks.

Just because there wasn't a game,

doesn't mean there
shouldn't be a game stick.

Shoresy, I think it goes to Fish.

I think, if you could divide a stick,

then the Jims should each get a third.

How would we divvy it up?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

You're gonna be the stick inspector

pretty soon, eh big boy?

Unless you wanna break it up in a bowl.

- Sticks are unbelievable.
- No, no, there's just

- one to a stick, old man.
- So, we're all getting

our full stick then?

Only one guy gets the game stick.

But the Jims just said
they'd break it up into a bowl.

Bit mauzy on the PC of it all, b'ys,

but I think it's fine Ziigwan
calling our ice creams gay

since she herself is gay.

Now, the sight of three Jims
splittin' an ice cream cone?

Well, b'y, can't fault no one
for making assumptions on that.

So, no sharing sticks?

Game stick goes to one guy.

Well, I'm not gonna
give him a full stick,

'cause he didn't play a full game,

I'll just give him what's left of my stick.

Yeah, so...

Fish, looks like you got it
worse than anybody.

You're the last guy who can
afford an inch there,

since you're so f*cking ugly.
Like, I mean, if I didn't see you on a date

with Maxime Lauzon at the Laughing Buddha,

I'd think you were the ugliest guy here,

but you got her, so you musn't be.

Yeah, so, Fish gets the game stick.

- Clap him in, boys.
[APPLAUSE]

- Nat!
- Ugh.

He's not gonna talk to you anymore, bro.

You can't talk to him either, though.

- Take my pay for the fines.
- Pardon?

If there's fines,
just use my pay.

I forfeit it all to you.

- No, no, no, no.
You're quitting?

Dude, you've already been fired,
you're gonna quit now?

- Exactly.
I've already been fired

and if I quit,
it only gets worse, so.

- I'm gonna win these guys over.
- Oh, are you?

Well, if Fish and Phillips
and Whitey can do it.

This is going to require some... precision.

Well, it's a good thing
they call me Marksman Michaels.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Good luck, bro.

SHORESY: That same night at Mr. Prime Rib,

Michaels' ex-sweetie
jerked Sanger to completion

under the table with her foot.

[LAUGHTER]
[UPBEAT MUSIC]

Where's Frankie?

Hey.

What happened before the game?

- Phil and--
- Huh?

Phil rolled up on them

- with a bunch of his buddies.
- Who?

- The guy from--
- Huh?

The guy from the Coulson you potty kissed.

Well, I'll give him a stick tap

for coming back after a smooch.

Uh... Seat taken?

Who are you talking to?

You.

Have a seat.

Thanks.

But next time, don't say it

like you're Forrest Gump on the bus

on his first day of f*cking school, eh?

- Those dudes are coming back.
- What dudes?

- Shut the f*ck up, Michaels.
- They said as much, b'ys.

"This isn't over."

- We should get ahead of this.
We should go to them.

- Look at you, Sanguinet.
- Tonight?

- f*ck no.
- Settle down.

Well, we can't risk anyone
getting hurt for the Soo,

need everyone healthy.
Two Ws left.

Can get hurt, just can't get
no one injured is all.

Well, yeah, it's like,
are you hurt or are ya injured?

Yeah so... need everybody
healthy for the Soo.

Soo are so f*cking good.

- Ma'am.
- Look who's back,

the Sudbury Lemon-Citrus Standard Poodles.

- You ever seen a Schnoodle?
- Put your jibbs in.

- Have some f*cking self-respect.
- Thanks for the Martoonie, hon.

Bro. If you leave that spitter
on the table--

- It's not even on the table!
It's in my hand.

Well, it's up your ass
if I see it on the table!

Holy! So dumb.

Boy, she's a firecracker.

You ever had Ritz-Bitz?

Well, boys, you know,
you could outsource--

- Michaels, shut the f*ck--
- Wait.

- What do you mean?
- Like, farm it out.

What is this, another line
from Greenbow, Alabama?

Well, no, but if you can't
take care of the guys yourself,

you know, there's dudes in Sudbury
that can take care of this sh*t.

You sure you wanna go down this road?

- I just wanna help the team.
- You must.

What are you gonna do, me son?

Well... my ex-sweetie is a Policetti.

- A what?
- Yeah, and her brothers

are the infamous Sudbury Policettis.

- Her brothers are super weird.
- Yeah, no on goes near them.

Well, the word
"Police" is right in their last name,

which is a good place to start
the conversation.

Bad dudes.

Well, other than being enforcers, I mean,

just the f*cking look of them is like--

Yeah, they look a bit
like they've maybe touched

- an animal's junk before.
- Now, b'ys, if they're as bad

as he says they are,
why don't we stay where we're to

- and leave them where they're at?
- Well, no, they like me.

Well, I mean, other than
the fact I had to kind of

walk gingerly when I was
dating Mercedes, but...

Yeah, she's the one
who gave Sanguinet a squeezer

off the side of our party island
in Wasaga Beach.

Wasaga's unbelievable.

Okay, but guys...

They will be at the Caruso Club tonight.

- Let's go.
- Who, me?

- No.
- Me?

No.

- No.
- Me?

No.

Sanguinet.

I don't think I've seen you
since last summer.

No, it was Mister Prime Rib.

- Mercedes.
- Hey, dude.

- How are you?
- What are you doing later?

We've got a problem
and we need your help.

I know, but he's your problem now.

I was so loyal to you, Mercedes.

I know, dude.
Way too loyal.

It's like you were stuck to me.

Why do you think I called you
"birthmark Michaels"?

We've gotta win the last
two games of the season.

Some dudes are messing with
our studs away from the rink.

- Hm.
- So, we need--

- The Policettis?
- Yeah.

Yeah, they ain't giving it away.

- Well, we have money.
- Pff, no, you don't.

Hold on.

f*ck.

- Okay, we'll help you.
- How much?

There will be no exchange of cash.

Then what?

- Only an exchange of goods.
- So?

My brothers want season tickets.

But there's only two games
left in the season?

Yeah, but they want to be seated

amongst the season-ticket holders.

That's a pretty big place--

Shoulder to shoulder.

Why do they want that?

Because... my brothers are f*cking weird.
Look at them.

Yeah, they are, alright.

Looks like they're holding something
in their mouth that tastes awful.

Nobody wants to be around them.
They just wanna feel

like they're a part
of something, you know?

You help them out,
they'll help you out.

Okay, well we can talk to Nat,
and then we'll--

- Done!
- Ah. Grazie.

Thank you, Mercedes.

Oh, um, I also want Sanguinet.

[SCOFFS]

[ELECTRONIC DANCE MUSIC]

- You look like a skank, Nat.
- Well, what the f*ck, Danis?

Aki always says,
"Clean yourself up,"

and you always say,
"You look like a skank."

- Ziig looks like a skank.
- Good afternoon, Aki.

- You're unfit for that outfit.
What do you think, Nina?

- It stinks.
- But Miigs is cute.

Thank you, Danis.

Ziig looks like a straight ho though.

- Don't forget Nat.
- I thought this was

- a happy medium.
- Then you're sadly stupid.

Ziig, your makeup looks like
somebody farted it onto your face.

- Thank you, Aki.
- What do you think, Nina?

Hot garbage.

- Ladies.
- That's a stretch.

I'll start by saying--

Sorry, we got the dumbest
sluts in the league?

You've got dumb, ugly sluts, Nat.

Yeah, we did,
but we beefed up and,

not sure if you heard, we b*at Timmins.

- Congratulations.
Winning one game

doesn't make your sluts
less dumb and ugly.

You're the worst team
in the history of the NOSHO.

f*ck's sakes.

The porta-potty of the league.

- What do you think, Nina?
- A dog's breakfast.

And what the f*ck is
the Sudbury Blueberry Bulldogs?

Troubleshooting, Danis.

The Sudbury Cabbage Patch Lollipop Kids

would sound tougher.

- Ziig, here's my advice.
- Okay.

Be more like Miig.

Ladies, respectfully,
how's this shaking down?

- There's been a brawl--
- There's brawls

and then there's warm-up brawls.

And I think
the distinction's important.

Your sluts started the first warm-up brawl

NOSHO has seen in a real long time.

- Danis, we--
- Do you know how long, Nat?

- No.
- It would have been

two full seasons if it weren't
for the Sudbury Finding Nemos.

- We didn't start it!
- North Bay's whole f*cking team

was on the ice,
they came into our tunnel!

Should I show them
the pictures of the sluts?

How can you say
we started a brawl in warm-up

when they had their whole team
on the ice and we only had one guy?

Who was the guy?

The North Bay Norsemen could be
the North Bay Backdoor

Hair Pull sh*t Head
Sucker Punch Snake Weasels.

If Shoresy's on the other team,
we know who started it.

And once the papers get it,
it's ugly for us.

- It's a sh*t stain.
- A giant skid mark.

What do you think, Nina?

It's a Canada's Wonderland diaper disposal.

But how your mother would have
loved it, Nathalie.

- [CHUCKLES]
- She was...

That was a woman.

Do you remember what she said to me

when I accused your sluts of taking steroids?

"Lick my twat, leather face."

Remember her quote in the Timmins paper

after their fans graffitied your bus?

"I've painted toilet bowls better."

Do you remember what she said
to us when we suspended eight

of your players for going into
the stands in Sault Ste. Marie?

[LAUGHS]

"You suck so much Soo d*ck,

their pubes are in your moustache."

We know why you're fighting for this, Nat.

We know why you're rallying.

She'd be proud.

I see yous have got bums back in seats!

- Quarter full.
- Hockey brings people together.

I'd say an eighth, but...

Too bad you started a brawl.

If you can't win, don't play.

That Shoresy's a rat's pimply,
puckered assh*le.

But we can't lay blame on the Bulldogs

when only one of yous was on the ice.

I think it's safe to say
we're all a little tired

of the Soo being at the top. Aki?

- I'm a bit fatigued.
What do you think, Nina?

It's crap.

We're gonna give you the win

on the account of North Bay
starting the brawl.

- Thank you, Danis.
- Nice manners, Miigs.

See? That's why we like
your sister so much, Ziig.

Get your f*cking shoulders back.

You better believe we're fining you .

That's for the N'Swakamok Friendship

Centre downtown as usual.
Good, Nat?

Good enough.

Now, show us those pictures of your sluts.

Any of the new ones good-looking?

Sanguinet's by far the cutest.

What about that Dolo?

I've seen a video of him singing a rap.

Ah, it's just rappin', Ak.

Picture the rope, eh?

Aren't you a d*ke?

SHORESY: Two minutes, unsportsmanlike conduct!

- For what?!
- For what?

- Just f*cking around, Shoresy.
I know I submarined him.

You guys are playing
like f*cking idiots tonight.

I'm still fired up from
the donny the other night.

I dumped an entire Coke Zero on Keller.

- Are you kidding me?
- No, bud. I soaked him.

No, I meant about drinking Coke Zero.

You watching your calories, Susan?

There were like people hanging out

in front of the rink after smoking ciggies.

What are you talking about, ciggies?

You sound like a f*cking narc, Liam.

Yeah, they're meeting there

before game one against the Soo.

- You seri, dog?
- There's a Facebook group.

We have a booster club?

Yeah, we're calling it the bluester club.

Oh my God.

Since you're the Blueberry Bulldogs.

Yeah, I know, Liam,
you f*cking cadet.

f*cking nerd.

That is the goofiest sh*t
I have ever heard.

Members in the triple digits,
bud, and I'm one of the admins.

- Oh my God, close the door.
That is f*cking awful, Liam.

I heard the admins get a ton of ass, Liam.
Is that true?

Gentlemen, I'd like to offer my deepest

and sincerest apologies
for being a turkey.

This is Greg. He'd like
to apologize for being an ass.

And this is Jason, he'd like
to apologize for acting coocoo.

Will you accept our apologies?

- Yup.
- Yes, b'y.

Thank you, it won't happen again.

Angelo Policetti and
his brother Luca Policetti

are headed to the arena now.

They rented a limousine for the occasion.

The Policetti brothers would like
to give you a ride to your game.

Gentlemen.

[ENGINE STARTS]

We'll escort you there.

CROWD: Let's go, Bulldogs,
let's go, woo-woo!

Let's go, Bulldogs,
let's go, woo-woo!

Let's go, Bulldogs,
let's go, woo-woo!

[THE CROWD CONTINUES CHANTING.]

Boys.

Atta boy, Michaels.

- Hockey brings people together.
- Settle down.

[CHUCKLES]

CROWD: Let's go, Bulldogs,
let's go, woo-woo!

[CHANTING CONTINUES]

Hey, what's your love language?

You like coffee so much,
why don't you let me take you

to Salute for some blended
caramel "segnatos".

They don't serve it how I like.

Hey, you ever had a Cadbury
Cream Egg cafe au lait?

You seem pretty chill
for a guy about to play the Soo.

- The who?
- The Soo are so f*cking good.

What, f*cking, did Roberta Bondar
join up or something?

BOTH: Huh?

How's Nat handling the pressure?

- What pressure?
- You finally got bums in seats,

but you've announced
you're folding if you lose.

Well, good thing we'll never lose again.

You got the Soo back-to-back.

Well, we're in our barn.

Smile.

Why do you have your tooth in?

Well, I'd figure I'd run into ya.

You should leave it out.

- Never mind.
- Uh-oh. Uh-oh.

I think I know what that is.

- What what is?
- That's a chink in the armour.

If I can't write that expression anymore,

I'm pretty sure you can't say it.

Hey, why don't I go home and dip us

some fruit in chocolate for later?

Sensing some blood in the water, eh?

I hope you know I've been
watching YouTube tutorials

- on how to rub your feet good.
- You going in for the k*ll?

Oh, you give me a moment,
I'll make it last a lifetime,

I swear to God,
I'd be so good to ya.

- Hey, Laura.
- Yeah?

I'm gonna sh**t my f*cking
sh*t with you one of these days.

- Break a leg!
- You better f*cking look out,

it's gonna be you and me
and a whole table of dim sum.

- Doesn't that sound good?
- Shoresy! Come here.

Now just what is
the meaning of this, me son?

Hey, how do you like your present

from the Blueberry Festival.
Just what you always wanted, eh?

- A little exercise.
- Do they know it's Senior

- Whale sh*t hockey?
- Senior Triple A.

- ALL: Whale sh*t all the same.
- Hey, you got a dip?

B'ys, no one's gonna use this.

I don't know,
I might get a few reps

- on these bad--
- Shut the f*ck up, Michaels.

- What?
- Check out the Soo's roster.

Oh, f*ck, what studs they get
back from Europe now?

- Who the f*ck are these guys?
- Their affiliates.

The Soo sent us their call-ups?

- That, and their g*ons.
Saving the studs for playoffs.

Didn't even bring their good tendy.

- Good w!
- f*ckin' A.

But since we're never losing again,

may as well start
getting the boys inspired.

- Long-term strategy.
- Got a little twinkle

in your eye there, Sanger,
what are you thinkin'?

- Oldie, but a goodie.
- What's the plan?

Us... against the world.

They're f*cking affiliate players,
they're call-ups!

Has anything ever made you so mad as that?

That's how much the Soo
Cyclones respect you guys.

May as well have sent us their sisters.

That's how seriously
the Soo Cyclones take you guys.

They think they're coming in
here to push us around

and take an easy two points?

This is a -mile float down a lazy river

for these guys, boys.
What the f*ck is that?

- Not in our barn!
- We're gonna show these guys

that nothing comes easy
in the Sudbury Arena anymore.

And guess how we're doing it?

- What have you got, Sanger?
What have you got?!

- Jim! You ready?
- Yeah.

Good, cause you're f*cking going!

[ALL CHEER]

- Jim, you ready?
- Ready!

Good, cause you're f*cking going!

[ALL CHEER]

- Jim, you ready?
- Ready.

- Good, 'cause you're going!
[ALL CHEER]

- Dolo, got your legs on ya?
- Brr!

- You're going!
[ALL CHEER]

Hitch, you feeling the puck tonight?

Yes, b'y!

Good, 'cause you're f*cking going!

[ALL CHEER]
And between the pipes,

we've got the guy who never misses.

That's why they call him Marksman Michaels,

- are you ready?!
- I'm ready, Sanger!

Let's f*cking go, boys!
[ALL CHEER]

We're gonna show these cocky Soo fucks

what happens when you disrespect
this team, in this city,

at this barn on a mother-f*cking
Sudbury Saturday night!

[ALL CHEER]

[HEAVY METAL MUSIC]

[CROWD CHEERING]