01x02 - A Good Man is Hard to Find

[bunniefuu]

♪ Gimme a break, I sure deserve it ♪



♪ Gimme a break, I sure deserve it ♪


♪ It's time I made it to the top♪


♪ Gimme a break, I'm looking forward ♪


♪ Get behind me, pull out every stop ♪


♪ I want a happy ending, I'm tired of pretending ♪


♪ Won't let 'em get the best of me ♪


♪ Whoa, whohoa


♪ Gimme a bre


♪ The game is survival ♪ gimme a break


♪ And plan my arrival


♪ Gimme a break


♪ For heaven's sake


♪ What happened to my piece of the cake? ♪


♪ Gimme a break


♪ Gimme a break


♪ Gimme a break!


Bobby, don't let j.r. Talk to you that way.


Run over his foot with your mercedes.


Daddy, what did you do that for?


Because we're gonna be alone tonight,


And I thought we should spend some time together


As a family.


Forget the tv. Who needs furniture that talks?


Can't we at least find out


If j.r.'S gonna luck out with the lady truck driver?


When did you stop watching "sesame street"?


[ Clears throat ]


How do I look?


You look great. That's a terrific dress.


I know. It's my layaway dress.


One look, and it lays 'em away.


Going out with angie?


That's right, chief, and no smart remarks about angie.


There is nothing wrong with her.


Nell, you've got to admit she's a little weird.


And spaced-out.


Angie is not weird or spaced-out.


She's different.


She has smog in the head.


Look, I have to go.


Well, good luck with the guys.


Dear, luck has nothing to do with it.


I'm a good-looking, witty, warm woman.


And any man would be glad to be with me.


Good night.


[ Mid-tempo jazz playing ]


Angie, look. A room full of men.


Yeah.


If you don't count the women, it's almost all men.


Come on. I think we need a drink.


Wow.


Hey, look at this. A totally round person.


[ Laughs ]


[ Laughs ]


[ Stomps ]


Oh, angie, look. A totally flat foot.


Listen, remember, just be yourself.


The thing to do in these places is to be natural and cool.


Hi. My name's bob.


My name is angie. I'm natural and cool.


Angie, you are too much.


Can I order you something?


Have you ever had a black russian?


No, but I once spent the weekend with a one-legged mexican.


Hi. My name's bob.


Hi. I'm nell.


Nell, you are cute.


What do you say we get out of here


And find someplace with a little more privacy?


Don't you think we ought to get to know each other first?


Nell, I'm talking about a nice, quiet restaurant --


Champagne, caviar.


Keep talking.


Stimulating conversation about the theater.


Ooh, that sounds good.


Then we're gonna go to my place, get naked,


And cover ourselves in wesson oil.


A room full of guys, and I wind up with a salad freak.


Forget the oil.


Maybe that's too advanced.


Why don't we start with you in a girl scout uniform?


Why don't I wear my own uniform?


You know, I'm a lady cop.


I knew that.


I was just putting you on.


I'm really a priest.


Good night, ladies.


Hi. My name's bob.


Hey, look, angie.


Maybe we shouldn't get our hopes up too high.


We can always just sit here and...chat.


Okay, sure.


Oh, look, nell.


There's another room just like this one.


Angie, that's the mirror over the bar.


Oh.


I am in big trouble.


Nell, excuse me. I'll be right back.


I think I have to go to the ladies' room.


Can I bring you anything?



No. You just go.


Oh, go for me while you're there, okay?


Hey, pardon me. But would you like a peanut?


Sure. Thanks.


You know, if you put that in your ear,


You can hear the circus.


Why don't you put it in your ear?


Is it -- is it happy hour yet?


Not for me, it isn't.


Oh, don't be sad, lady.


Would you like to, uh...


Dance?


Oh, I thought you'd never ask.


Okay. Let's go.


What happened?


I don't know. I just got here myself.


Hi, nell. I'm back.


Guess what. You didn't have to go.


Angie, let's go try to find the action


On the dance floor, okay?


Hi.


Why?


Good evening.


Hello.


I'm ray.


I'm nell.


I've been trying to meet you


Ever since you came in that door this evening.


Really?


But you've been surrounded by all these guys.


Well, that's what you get for being a .


I hope you don't think that I'm being too forward,


But I'd like to ask you a question. Sure.


Would you mind introducing me to your tall girlfriend?


I think she's a knockout.


Hey, angie. It's for you.


This is angie. Angie, this is...


Ray. Dance? Sure.


Whoa.


Hey, angie.


Can I have the keys to the car, please?


Why? Are you gonna drive home now?


No, angie, I'm gonna wait in the trunk.


A good morning.


Uh-huh.


Kids go out already?


Uh-huh.


Think I need a bra with this dress I'm wearing?


Uh-huh.


You upset about that singles bar last night?


I'm not gonna ever talk to another man as long as I live.


Okay, pretend I'm an it -- a -pound it.


Do you have any idea how hard it is


To find a decent man nowadays?


Nell, somewhere out there is the right guy.


No, there's something wrong with me.


There's nothing wrong with you. Believe me.


I wish there was some way I could prove that to you.


There is.


Why don't you get in your car, drive around,


And come back with billy dee williams?


I got to get going.


[ Sighs ]


You gonna be okay?


Sure.


I got lots of chores to keep me busy.


I thinll go sit in thesh compactor.


[ Sighs ]


Nell, what time is dinner gonna be ready?


Tuesday.


Go do your homework.


But I'm hungry now.


Go eat your geography book.


[ Doorbell ringing ]


I'm coming.


[ Ringing continues ]


I'm coming!


[ Ringing continues ]


Chief, I said I heard you! I -- ooh!


Nell, this is sergeant ken taft.


Ken's a bachelor, and I thought he'd enjoy a --


It's a man! Oh, oh!


Oh, a man.


Oh! Oh!


Oh!


Oh, a man!


Ooh. A man.


Hello.


For you.


Ooh.


Mmm, mmm, mmm. I must say, this is one of the best meals


The chicken was great.e.


Nell, how do you do it?


She called dial-a-chicken.


I think the potatoes were terrific.


Yeah. I love instant potatoes.


Nell's not just a good cook.


She's real smart, too. And she's funny.


And she's a nice person who cares a lot about people.


This is true.



You see, underneath this makeup, I'm really alan alda.


[ Ken laughs ]


Girls, what do you say we give nell a break


And we'll do the dishes tonight?


Pass up the plates.


You do the dishes?


Daddy, you never do the dishes.


Well, there's a first time for everything,


Con. There's cents in it for you.


Cents?


Do you know what cents will buy?


Some tape your mouth. Now, move it, samantha.


Do you know what cents yes, sir.


That's some family the chief's got.


Yes.


I love big families.


Myself, I'd like to have about six.


Six?


I guess we know how you spell "relief."


[ Laughs ]


You know, you're everything the chief said you were.


Really?


Nell, I consider myself very lucky tonight.


Good.


Want to play strip poker?


I mean meeting


Oh, stop.


I'm serious. Come on.


You're attractive, intelligent... Oh, come on, now.


Oh, please. ...funny.


[ Laughing ] oh, no.


Please don't stop.


Are you going to be busy later tonight?


Well, um...


Come on.


I know a cozy little bar wi fwe can relax,


Get to know each other over a bottle of rosé.


What do you say?


Well, i, uh... I can't stay out late, now.


You see, I've been swinging all week,


And my teeter is about to totter.


What the hell? Let it totter.


Just give me a few minutes to throw something on.


Hurry.


Ha ha!


Nell?


Oh, uh, too new.


Too plain.


Out of style.


Gravy stain.


Does nothing for igure.


Does too much for my figure.


Dear, I want it to all hang out


Without letting it get away from me.


Maybe I've got something you could wear.


How about a halter top?


Honey, I want to light his fire, not melt his brain.


I don't see whll the fuss is about.


Why don't you just throw on a pair of jeans and a t-shirt?


Sam, look inside your own t-shirt.


Do you see anything?


No.


Talk to us when you do.


I mean, maybe I should him see the real me --


I mean plain me.


I really would, except for one thing.


What? My mama did not raise a fool.


Honey, give me that mascara.


I don't have a big assortment.


I've got some red wine, remains of a jug of white.


Blue wine.


I've got some red wine, oh, that's nell's windex.


Apoleon brandy.


Sounds good.


Don't see much of that on my salary.


Don't worry, ken.


You're a smart guy. You'll do fine.


Thank you, sir.


How do you take it?


Neat.


By the way,word around the prec


Is there's a slot opening up for detective first grade.


Yeah, we are looking for someone.


Ken, I want to tell you how pleased I am


That things wentwell between you and nell tonight.


I am, too.


I mean, I don't usually get involved in, well, you know,


Dating and romance and all that garbage.


No problem about nell, sir. She's okay.


She really is something, isn't she?


One of a kind, chief.


But you t have to thank me.


I'm always ready to do a friend a favor.


A favor?


Sure. What are friends for? Right, chief?


Okay. Uh, what do you think?


Nell, incredible.


I mean, it's not too much? No.


See, i-i want to be sexy, but I also want to be classy.


See, I want to be a cross between queen elizabeth



And lolaana.


Where is ken taking you?


Oh, somewhere where we can be alone.


Great.


Now, nell.


Remember, you've got to act interest


But don't come on too strong.


Yeah, and be sure to flatter him a lot.


Guys are suckers for that.


Thank you, girls, for your suggestions.


Oh, samantha, listen, do you have anything to add


From your vast knowledge of men, huh?


Yeah.


If he tries to pour soda down your back,


Punch lights out.


The way I see it, we're all part of one big team.


You scratch my back. I scratch yours.


I thought you were going out with her because you liked her.


I do like her, chief.


Good.


She's got a terrific personality.


I knew you'd feel that way.


She may not be the most stunning person in the world.


What do you mean? Come on, chief.


You have to admit, she is on the heavy side.


She is a bit overweight, but --


A bit?


My guess is,


Right now she's slipping into something more comfortable.


Like the houston astrodome. [ Laughs ]


Man, I bet when she goes to the doctor,


He tells her to open wide and go, "moo."


[ Laughs ]


That was a good one, wasn't it, chief?


That's very clever, ken.


You're gonna make a great detective.


And your first job will be


Finding my fingerprints all over your face.


What do you mean?


I mean, I heard of a wolf in sheep's clothing,


But you're slime in a sport coat.


[ Chuckles ]


That was a good one, huh?


That was funny, chief.


Get out of here.


Wait a minute. I didn't mean anything.


Get out


Before I lose my temper and you lose your masculinity.


Good night, sir.


Ta-da!


Eat your heart out, nancy reagan.


Hey.


Hey, where's ken?


Uh, ken, uh, went...


Oh, the bathroom.


You better sit down.


He's gonna be there that long?


Chief, listen, I really want to thank you


For what you tried to do.


Listen -- no, wait.


See, I know you come on like you're mean and gy,


But you really do have a heart. Well --


And I want you to know that I am very grateful --


Nell, he's gone.


What do you mean?


Well, here it is.


His mother called. She's dead.


Chief, come on. Give me the truth.


Come on.


Well, the truth is that it's a religious problem.


He has to marry a virgin.


Oh, chief.


He left because he thought I was too fat, didn't he?


Yeah.


I lost my temper and threw him out.


Listen, kiddo, I'm sorry.


No, no. Don't worry about me.


Listen, you know what they say about us fat people.


We are always jolly.


Look, nell, you know we -- we all love you.


Please don't.


Don't touch me.


Now I to


It's all right.


No, it isn't.


Yes, it is.


No, it isn't.


Your g*n is poking me in the stomach.


Nell, we're really sorry.


And you look so pretty.


Yeah. I've had it.


I'm through with men for life.


Forget that guy, kiddo.


Somewhere out there is the right guy.


Oh, no, no, no. I'm through.


Listen, there is just so much a person can take,


And I really can't take any more.


I have tried to be up. I have tried to be cheerful.


But how many times does a truck have to roll over you


Before you finally get the message?



Oh.


Look, I'm -- I'm through.


[ Doorbell rings ]


Nell?


Nell?


What, angie?


My date brought his brother along, and what a hunk.


Do you want to go with us?


[ Sighs ]


Somebody once said that the opera is not over


Till the fat lady sings.


Tonight, tonight ♪


♪ Won't be just any night


[ Music playing on television ]


[ Television clicks ]