01x11 - Katie the Cheat

[bunniefuu]

♪ Gimme a break, I sure deserve it ♪



♪ Gimme a break, I sure deserve it ♪


♪ It's time I made it to the top ♪


♪ Gimme a break, I'm looking forward ♪


♪ Get behind me, pull out every stop ♪


♪ I want a happy ending, I'm tired of pretending ♪


♪ Won't let 'em get the best of me ♪


♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa


♪ Gimme a break


♪ The game is survival


♪ Gimme a break


♪ And plan my arrival


♪ Gimme a break


♪ For heaven's sake


♪ What happened to my piece of the cake? ♪


♪ Gimme a break


♪ Gimme a break


♪ Gimme a break!


Chiefnext question.


Katie, this is important. Please, pay attention, huh?


"Quantitative comparisons.


"The meter in a taxi cab registers cents


"For / of a mile


"And cents for each additional / .


"How many miles is a trip


For which the meter registers $ . ?"


Don't look at me.


On my salary, I can hardly afford to walk.


Nell, would you please butt out?


If katie fouls up this test,


She won't be able to get into college.


And then I'll never be first in line for the bathroom.


So how many miles?


?


Wrong. The correct answer is and / miles.


That's what I would have said, chief.


See, I would have been great in college.


You should have accepted


That college-football scholarship.


Next question.


"The town of mason is located on eagle lake.


"The town of fenton is west of mason.


"Sinclair is east of fenton but west of mason.


"Dexter is east of tillson


"But west of sinclair and fenton.


"Assuming all these towns are in the united states,


Which town is farthest west?"


Could you repeat that?


No.


Sorry.


Which is farthest west?


Dexter?


Tillson.


What time is it?


.


Yay!


She finally got one right!


Katie, i-i don't know what's the matter with you.


You're bombing out on all these sample questions.


In case you forgot,


This is a very important day for the family.


You're gonna be the first kanisky to --


Togetherever go to college!


That's right!


I want katie to have all the opportunities I never had.


Yeah, your daddy never had a chance to join a sorority.


Dad, can we go now?


You promised to take me bowling.


Yeah, go out and get the bowling ball out of the closet.


Wait, you going to send a child into that closet? Alone?


I'll go with her.


Look, if I'm not back in six weeks,


I leave everything to my sister brenda, except for my body.


[ Chuckles ]


That I leave to the san francisco ers.


Yay, team.


Okay, we got time for a couple more.


"Effectiveness of expression."


Now, please, pay attention, huh?


"Select the best version of the following sentences.


"One.


"During her appearance on the talk show,


"Germaine greer discussed her best-selling book,


'The female unich.'"


Dad, that's eunuch.


What exactly is a "eunuch"?


Oh, that's a dude who's lost his sports equipment.


Samantha is waiting for you.


Yeah, I better go.


Katie, you better get started, too.


Good luck, honey.


Remember, we're all counting on you.


I'll do my best, dad.


Try to answer all the questions.


Take the easy ones first and then the hard ones,


And if you can't answer a question,


Well, then just guess.


Just keep telling yourself


You're gonna be the first kanisky --


Togetherto ever go to college!


All right, but four years from now,



She'll be falling all over herself, thanking me,


Especially when she goes out and gets a good-paying job.


Come on, samantha.


Look, I'll be rooting for you, honey.


Thanks, nell.


Oh, katie, if you do blow it, don't sweat it.


I never went to college, and I got a bachelor's degree.


In what?


Bachelors.


Guess it's time.


Julie, you're a real lifesaver.


It's lucky for me there's one brainy one in this family.


I haven't saved you yet. What if they don't let me in?


What do you think of katie's test results, ed?


Pretty impressive, huh?


Hey, they're great.


I knew she was brilliant,


Even if she did get all those f's in school.


Oh, inside that beautiful head beats a beautiful brain.


You're not kidding. In the upper %.


Can't b*at that, huh?


Oh, it's kind of like bo derek winning a nobel prize.


And here she is!


[ Cheers and applause ]


Katie!


The kanisky quiz kid.


Sorry I took so long. Hi, uncle ed.


Hi, sweetheart.


Hi, grandma.


Oh, oh! My brilliant girl!


Ooh!


Grandma!


Ooh!


Grandma!


I've already got a dimple.


[ Chuckles ] you can never have too many dimples.


It worked for shirley temple, didn't it?


Uh, hi, grandpa.


Uh, say hello to katie.


Who?


Katie!


Oh, katie!


Hi.


Guess how old I am. Nobody ever guesses.


.


Nope. Nobody ever guesses.


?


Nope. Nobody ever guesses.


.


Oh, no, no, no, no.


Nobody ever guesses.


How old are you?


!


I guessed that.


See? Nobody ever guesses.


He's just teasing, katie. He hears what he wants to hear.


That is a lie.


[ Car horn honks ]


There's my date. Got to run.


Oh, sorry, everybody. Previous engagement.


Remember, I want you home by .


Daddy, I'm years old. I'm almost a woman.


That's why I want you home by .


Baby, isn't this katie's dress?


Yeah.


Oh!


Don't tell me you're loaning your sister your clothes.


I'm getting soft in my old age.


Great -- in about three months,


I'm gonna ask you for your bra.


[ Car horn honks ]


Oh, julie. Julie, wait a minute.


I've got something for you. Wait a minute.


Here. Take this.


A dollar?


Put it in your shoe.


I don't need any money, grandma.


It's bus fare.


A girl should never have to choose between a ride home


And a fate worse than death.


Is it really a fate worse than death?


Who remembers?


Bye.


Bye.


Samantha, pick a card, any card.


Sure, uncle ed. Hmm, this one.


Now look at it, and tell me what it is.


Of diamonds.


You're right! [ Laughs ]


That's an old one.


I have older ones. Pick a card.


Come on, ed. Save it till after dinner.


All right, folks. Dinner's ready.


Mom, take the middle.


Come on, grandpa! Dinnertime!


What? Dinner!


That's what I said.


Ed, sit over there, next to samantha.


Sure.


Grab a seat, katie.



Wait a minute.


Tonight, you're gonna sit here.


The place of honor for the guest of honor.


[ Cheers and applause ]


Dad, you're embarrassing me.


How do you like this kid, huh? She's not only smart.


She's modest. Come on, katie.


I insist. Sit here.


Sit down now.


Tonight, nothing is too good for you.


That's right, including my cabbage rolls,


Which I made with my own two hands


And which are getting cold, so everybody dig in.


Uh, i-i-i can't eat cabbage rolls.


Uh, I have a condition.


Oh, how about some nice roast chicken?


Oh, I can't eat that either.


Your condition?


Right.


How about some nice potatoes?


Oh, no.


What is your condition?


Other people's cooking makes me sick.


Oh, that's okay.


When I get old, I plan on being a pain in the neck, too.


Ed, what are you waiting for? Eat, eat.


Well, first, I have to put in my good teeth.


[ Laughs ]


Uncle ed, that's gross.


No.


That's disgusting. This is gross.


Ed, have a little respect for our guest of honor.


This may be the next dr. Schweitzer sitting here.


Dad, I wish you'd stop.


I've never wanted to be a doctor.


Katie, whatever you want to do...


I hope this money will help you get there.


Uh, it's from your grandfather and me.


?


No, I'm .


It's to help for your college expenses.


But, grandma, this is a fortune for you and grandpa.


Oh, darling, we wish it were more.


After all, you're the the first kanisky to ever go to college.


Grandma, I really can't take this. It wouldn't be --


Take it, honey.


I mean, it's their way of showing they love you.


Hey, sweetheart. They're not the only ones.


?!


Wrong again!


Well, what can I say?


I had a very good year down at the mortuary.


People were dropping like flies!


A toast!


No, dad. Please.


To katie, who's made her father


The proudest, happiest man in the world today,


And I know that her mother, rest her soul,


If she could see her little girl now,


Would feel just as proud and happy as I am.


To katie!


May she be blessed with all that's coming to her.


Allto katie!


None of it.


What's that?


None of this is coming to me.


I don't deserve any of it!


What are you doing?!


I didn't take that test.


I didn't write one single word!


I cheated!


[ Voice breaking ] I still can't believe it. I still can't believe it!


Mom, you been saying that for the past two hours.


Look, I'm sure katie has a good explanation.


As soon as you've gone, I'm gonna have a talk with her.


My own granddaughter, a cheat!


Oh!


What?


Katie -- a cheat!


I didn't even know she was married!


Katie!


Hey, chief.


I-i -- you don't want to go up there.


Why not?


I just waxed the upstairs hallway.


The upstairs hallway is carpeted.


I know, but you're gonna have the shiniest shag in town.


Come on. Get out of my way.


Come on, samantha's asleep. I don't want you to wake her up.


I'm not gonna wake anybody up.


Hey, you been hanging out with magic johnson, huh?


Katie?


Katie, open up. I want to talk to you.


I can see you. I know you're in there.


Don't turn your back on me when I'm talking to you!


Katie, open up this door!


Katieyou're just gonna yell at me!


I won't yell at you, honey.


I don't believe you.


What the hell do you want, an affidavit?!



Open the door!


No!


Okay.


I've had it.


I'm going back downstairs.


I'm finished.


I'm going.


I'm back! Now, listen!


I'm gonna count to three, and if you don't open this door,


So help me, I'll break it down!


...


...


!


...


Ohh!


Ow!


Dad, are you --


Sit down.


Okay, you ready to talk about it?


Well, it doesn't make any difference. I'm ready.


Why did you do it, huh?


I didn't --


I couldn't help it.


You couldn't help it?


What are you saying, that you're pleading insanity?


Dad, you don't understand.


What's there to understand, honey?


My daughter cheated on an exam.


There's no excuse for that.


I don't care how hot you were to go to college.


I'm not. It's you!


You're the one that wants that stupid diploma.


What are you talking about?


"The first kanisky to ever go to college."


That's all I've been hearing from you!


You make it sound


Like it's the most important thing in the whole world!


It is important!


Well, I'm sorry.


And I'm really sorry I embarrassed you in public


Because that's what's really important to you, isn't it?


Dad, I'm just not the little genius


You wanted to show off to your friends.


I'm just what you were afraid I'd be --


Another dumb broad.


What a date!


What a fabulous date!


Shh!


Hi, nell.


Chiefwhy?! 'Cause I'm your father, that's why!


Just hold it down till after this round.


What's going on?


Girl, after you left, the stuff hit the fan.


Your sister told your daddy


That she did not take that test.


Bye, nell. Where you going?


Australia.


Well, no.


All I've got is grandma's dollar.


Now, I want to know that kid's name,


And I want to know his father's name, too!


The father?


Yeah!


Why?


So he can know what kind of a kid he's got


So he can suffer like I'm suffering!


Now, what's that kid's name?


I can't tell you!


Gimme that kid's name!


No!


Okay. It's your choice.


Dad, you can't be serious! I'm years old!


Well, don't plan on sitting down at your wedding!


Maybe I should have tried this a long time ago,


And this wouldn't have happened!


Nell! Nell!


Wait. No.


You lay one hand on this child,


And tomorrow's headline will read,


"Beautiful woman wastes crazy man"!


Stand aside!


I'm still the head of this household,


King of this castle!


Well, your majesty, you pants are falling down.


Now, why don't we just sit down


And discuss this real calm-like,


Like you were doing upstairs, only different?


There's nothing to discuss.


Katie's got to be taught a lesson.


Daddy, it's not all katie's fault.


Shut up, julie! Just stay out of it!


It's not fair that you take all the blame.


You mean, you know who took that test?


Yes. Who?


First, give me the belt.


Nobody gets the belt.


Then I'm gonna stand behind nell.


Ah!


Who was it?


Who was it?!



It was me, daddy.


You?!


You took that test for her?


Ah, you're just covering up for somebody else.


You're only years old.


Yeah, not bad, huh?


But you may not see .


And you may not see . And you may not see --


Guess how old I am.


Nobody ever guesses.


I'm ashamed to have you both as my daughters.


That's great, dad.


Did you think I liked lying and cheating?


I only did it to make you happy!


Well, you certainly did a good job. Look at me.


I can hardly get that silly grin off my face.


You see that?


That's all you care about -- what you get out of it.


Wait a minute. Let me get this straight.


You cheated, and you're blaming me?


Dad, I did it so you'd be proud of me...


So you could go around smiling and bragging


And thumping yourself on the chest.


And s--


And what?


[ Sobs ]


[ Voice breaking ] and so you wouldn't stop loving me.


Stop loving you?


[ Sniffles ]


Katie, how could you think I would ever do that?


I wouldn't care if you flunked every test you ever took.


I wouldn't stop loving you.


You got to believe me, sweetheart.


Dad...


I'm sorry for all those things I said.


I'm sorry, too.


I'm sorry, too.


What are you sorry about?


I had to look at your brother's teeth.


And I'm sorry that we'll never know


How katie could have done on that test.


She might have surprised herself, chief.


She can still take it.


What are you talking about?


They let you take it more than once if you want to.


A lot of kids take it twice.


But why should she?


All she has to do is keep her mouth shut.


She can breeze right into college on my scores.


That's true, katie.


You wouldn't have to lift a finger,


And you could go to college this fall.


I'll take the test again.


Hey, come on. You must be hungry.


How about something to eat, huh?


What's left here?


Oh, we got leftovers.


Leftover cabbage. Leftover potatoes.


Oh, and some chicken.


Oh, julie, look.


Just in case the chicken is a little tough,


Baby, just for you...


We got some leftover teeth.


Pick a card, any card.


Nelloh, stop.