01x15 - Grandma Fools Around

[bunniefuu]

♪ Gimme a break, I sure deserve it ♪



♪ Gimme a break, I sure deserve it ♪


♪ It's time I made it to the top ♪


♪ Gimme a break, I'm looking forward ♪


♪ Get behind me, pull out every stop ♪


♪ I want a happy ending, I'm tired of pretending ♪


♪ Won't let 'em get the best of me ♪


♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa


♪ Gimme a break


♪ The game is survival


♪ Gimme a break


♪ And plan my arrival


♪ Gimme a break


♪ For heaven's sake


♪ What happened to my piece of the cake? ♪


♪ Gimme a break


♪ Gimme a break


♪ Gimme a break!


Isn't it amazing?


Grandma and grandpa have been married for years.


So has mickey rooney.


But it took him seven wives to do it.


I wonder how grandma and grandpa managed to stay together.


Well, they're the perfect couple.


She never stops talking, and he can't hear a thing.


Well, here are all the presents.


Well, you could add these to the pile.


Well, thank you, nell.


Thank you very much.


Mom and pop are really gonna appreciate these.


What did you get them?


Well, I got your ma the "joy of cooking."


And what'd you get pop?


"The joy of sex."


Well, you know, just in case he wants to get even


For her cooking.


Oh! I almost forgot my present!


[ Gasps ] I wonder what that can be?


It's a baseball bat.


You're kidding!


I thought it was a thermometer for king kong.


Samantha, what's grandpa gonna do with a baseball bat?


He could loan it to someone he loves.


That's very thoughtful.


Hey, it's getting late.


You girls better go upstairs and change, huh?


Okay, dad.


Oh, and samantha, I want you to look especially nice tonight.


What's wrong with the way I look now?


Why don't you put on that nice dress


I bought you for your birthday?


That icky thing?!


All right. But I won't be happy.


You don't have to be happy. It's a party.


[ Doorbell rings ]


That must be ed. Nell, you mind getting that?


Not for that practical joker.


I am not gonna end up with a handful of electric joy buzzer.


Hey, carl! Put her there!


[ Chuckling ] oh, no, ed.


You don't catch me with that old chestnut.


Hey, I brought you one of your favorites --


A can of unsalted peanuts.


Peanuts, huh?


Yeah.


Yeah, they're peanuts.


Oh, thank you, ed.


What the heck was that all about?


Oh, I get it. I get it.


You thought a bunch of snakes or something


Was gonna jump out of that can, right?


Just a cheap, practical joke.


Yeah, I'm sorry, ed.


Carl, when are you gonna learn to trust me?


Brothers ought to trust one another.


That really hurt, carl.


I'm sorry, ed. I apologize.


Sure.


Look, no hard feelings, huh?


Well, okay.


[ Buzzing ] aaaaaah!


I really got you going that time, didn't i?


I'm gonna have you going, too...


Hold it, hold it. It was just a joke!


...right through the roof!


Just a joke! I didn't mean any harm!


Well, I do!


Hey, guys.


If you can't play together quietly,


I'm gonna send you both upstairs without supper.


Hi, nell.


Oh, no. Ha ha ha. Oh, no, you don't.


If I'm gonna shake your hand, I'll take that one.


Gotcha! Ha ha! Just plastic!


Just plastic!


Your teeth are gonna be plastic.


Too late. They already are.


Boy, you really got her with that one, ed.


Ha!


Okay, that's enough, ed.


Now, you had your jokes. That's it, all right?



Sure. [ Chuckles.


What you got in that bag?


Oh, just some gifts to liven up an anniversary party --


Dribble glass...


Arrow for your head...


Whoopee cushion.


"Happy th."


And I thought you had no sense of romance.


[ Whoopee cushion farts ]


You're all class, ed -- all class.


Hey, I wonder what's holding up mom and pop.


Well, it couldn't be sex.


They stopped that when you were born.


Well, here. Let me help you.


[ Sniffs ] mmm.


Oh, mildred. I love that perfume.


[ Chuckles ]


It's turning me on.


Not now. We haven't time, stanley.


We have to go.


We have to hurry because carl said we mustn't be late.


?


Well, what are you rushing me for


If we don't have to be there till ?


I said I don't want to be late.


Yeah, you just said that. I think you're getting senile.


Ohh.


Oh, I see you found all the wedding pictures.


Oh, the kids will get a great kick


Out of seeing all this stuff.


Well, I don't know who half these people are.


Yeah?


Oh, here's one of you.


You were really a cute little thing, weren't you?


Well, I guess I had my moments.


You were a hot little number, if you want to know the truth.


That's not me!


That's my cousin sophie.


Oh.


Yeah.


Yeah, that's me.


Oh.


Nice dress.


I borrowed it from sophie.


What are you saving all these stupid letters for?


Because they're from you when you were in the army.


Oh. No kidding.


"Dear mildred"...


"The cookies you baked arrived today.


"Half the platoon thought they were hand grenades.


"If you're really on our side,


Send the next batch to the enemy."


Yes, you're right.


Why am I saving all those letters?


"Love, stanley."


And then there are a lot of x's and o's.


Well, you see? You used to be romantic.


"My darling sex goddess."


"Sex goddess"?


A little much, don't you think?


[ Chuckles ]


"Though the days seem like months since we parted,


The memory of you fills my throbbing heart."


Oh, boy.


That must have been toward the end of the w*r.


"How I pine for your tender touch,


Your soft lips, your silken thighs" --


"Silken thighs"?


What the hell are silken thighs?


Stanley, we'd better hurry.


We don't want to be late for the party. No, no. Just a minute.


This isn't even my handwriting.


Stanley, it --


"The fiery passion of your embrace,


Your warm flesh pressed against mine" --


Maybe I better go warm up the car.


"Erotically yours, love sl*ve."


Who the hell is "love sl*ve"?


He was -- [ stammering ]


Hi, uncle ed.


Hi, kids.


Hi.


Hi. How are you?


Fine.


My, my. Don't you two girls look pretty.


Where's samantha?


She's still upstairs getting ready.


Wait till you see the dress I got her.


She looks like a little doll in it.


I'll bet.


Hey, samantha!


Come on downstairs and say hello to your uncle eddie.


Samno, I don't want to come down! You're all gonna laugh at me!


Honey, why would we laugh?


Sam'cause I look like a jerk!


Come on down, samantha.


Nobody's gonna laugh at you, sweetheart.


[ Laughter ]


They're laughing!


Stop laughing!!



Nobody's laughing! Stop laughing!


[ Laughter continues ]


Yeah, girls! [ Laughing ] stop laughing!


Come on down, honey. You look beautiful.


You're gonna make your grandparents very happy.


Yeah.


Grown-ups really get a kick out of humiliating kids.


[ Car approaches ]


That sounds like their car now.


Yep, it's them.


Okay! Line up, everybody!


Now, remember.


This one is for years, so let's hit it.


♪ Hmm, hmm, hmm


♪ Hmm


Shh.


♪ Happy anniversary to you


♪ Happy anniversary to you


♪ Happy anniversary, dear mom and pop ♪


♪ Happy ann--


[ Crying ]


Ma, what's wrong?


[ Crying continues ]


Where's pop?


[ Voice breaking ] he's home...packing.


H-h-he says I'm a jezebel...


...and a floozy.


And he -- he wants a divorce.


[ Sobbing ]


[ Whoopee cushion farts ]


Ma, I don't understand. All I'm getting is jezebel, floozy, divorce,


And some word that sounds like honk.


Oh, chief. That's when she blows her nose.


Your father is leaving me,


And our th anniversary, too.


Gee, I wonder if hallmark has a card for that.


Grandma, I know how you feel.


I just broke up with my boyfriend, too.


What a tragedy.


Thursday would have been two whole weeks!


Grandma, we're really sorry.


Thank you, dear.


X I z x.i$z i$ well, I don't want to interrupt anything.


Samantha, dear, you just run along to your costume party.


Now can I change?


Girls, why don't you go upstairs and help samantha change?


Dad, it's so obvious you're trying to get rid of us.


I'll give you until the count of to get upstairs.


... .


We're going. We're going.


Bye, grandma.


Look, ma.


Try to pull yourself together, huh?


What happened that made dad act so crazy?


Well, he found an old love letter from another man.


Pop got a love letter from a man?


It was to me, dimwit!


Oh, that's nothing.


All men are jealous of their wives' puppy loves.


[ Sobbing ]


It wasn't puppy love? [ Voice breaking ] no.


There was wagging and barking after the marriage?


Ma! No!


It -- it was during the w*r,


And your father had been away for three years,


And they were always asking us on the home front


To make sacrifices.


So I did the best I could.


What's the matter with people nowadays?!


Nowadays?!


She's talking about world w*r ii.


People were still saying, "hubba-hubba."


I never saw your father so upset.


Do you think there's a chance


That pop might do something crazy?


Well, he's leaving me. What do you call that?


And I thought you were the smart one.


I thought I was the smart one.


No, carl. You used to suck his thumb.


Poor pop.


Poor pop? What about me?


Mom, you ought to be ashamed of yourself.


Chief, instead of being a one-man moral majority,


Why don't you go and have a talk with your father?


You know what I think? Yes.


But, first, have a talk with your father.


We can burn your mother at the stake later.


[ Doorbell rings ]


[ Doorbell rings ]


I got a little nervous when you didn't answer the door.


You ever try the doorbell?


I'm not a mind reader, you know.


Pop, we got to talk.


Mom told me about the letter.


Why didn't she take a full-page ad in the paper?


Where is she now --


At the singles bars hoping to score again?


Where you gonna go?


Oh, who knows?


Brazil, mexico,



Tahiti, akron.


Pop, look.


I know that your pride is hurt,


But during the w*r, you were gone for almost three years,


And mom never heard from you.


Carl, I was a prisoner of w*r.


They made it very tough to reach out and touch someone.


But ma didn't know that.


All they told her was that you were missing in action.


Sounds like I was missing plenty of action right here.


Come on. Let me take you over to my place.


What's that for?


Well, snap the cuffs on me.


Come on, pa. We're going over to my house.


Ehh. Don't you tell me what to do.


I can still put you over my knee, you know.


I'd maybe get a hernia, but I could do it.


Have you got any more kleenex?


Oh, no, honey. We're all out.


But I can get you a beach towel.


Oh, no, no.


I, uh -- I don't want to impose.


[ Blows nose ]


Thanks.


Come on in, pop.


Looks like a real wild party.


Good evening, nell, ed.


Hi, pop! Happy anniversary!


Can I take your coat, pop?


Grandpa, would you like some coffee?


What?


She said, "do you want some coffee?"


I'm not speaking to you.


Coffee's fine, nell.


Okay. You like it black, right?


And you tell that man if he drinks coffee this late,


He'll be up half the night.


She said to tell him that he drinks coffee this late,


He'll be up half the night.


You tell the bimbo...


That it's no business of hers how late I stay up.


He said that you are a bimbo,


And it's none of your business how late he stays up.


Well, you tell that old coot


That whatever he does is just fine with me.


Chief. Huh?


Tell the old coot --


I mean, tell your father what your mama just said.


Oh, uh, pa. Ma says --


You tell that woman she's a two-timing floozy,


And I don't care what she said.


Tell her pa's upset.


Come on, pa. Lighten up, will you?


Why should I listen to you?


I'm your son.


I don't know that.


Oh!


You tell that old fool


That if there's any more talk like that,


He'll be wearing that truss around his ears!


Ma says to talk nice.


That's not what I said!


Well, what's the difference? He can't hear.


That's right. I can't hear.


So what's the difference?


You tell that woman for me --


Hold it, hold it.


We are not telling anybody anything.


Why not? What?


If you two have anything to say to each other,


You do it yourselves while you still got time.


Well, what do you mean?


Look, I'm divorced.


The chief's wife just passed away, and ed...


...well, ed's a bachelor.


Now, here we are, three lonely people


Trying to make do with sleeping alone.


You're lucky.


She's got cold feet and snores like a chainsaw.


Well, you put up with it for years,


And now you're just gonna throw it away?


She had an affair.


Grandpa, that was years ago.


Well, what am I supposed to do? Forget the whole thing?


Pretend that old "love sl*ve" never existed?


Grandpa, that's -- that's up to you.


All I know is that my father passed away not too long ago,


And I know my mama would give anything to have him back.


Now, the two of you can't last minutes out there


By yourselves.


And who is gonna put up with a miserable old man like you?


Too late! I'm leaving her forever.


Well, come on, mildred.


You gonna drive me or not?


Be sure to button up.


You don't want to start your new life with a runny nose.


Forget buttoning. I'm going to tahiti.


[ Gasps ] tahiti!


Oh, that's nice!


You've always wanted to go to tahiti.



Probably if we hurry, we could get you on a plane tonight.


Well, it's been a long day.


Maybe I better take a little nap first.


After all that coffee?


I only had a little!


Oh, well. Never mind.


I'll fix you some nice, warm milk.


That always makes you feel drowsy.


Maybe a piece of raisin toast.


Which I'll try not to burn.


I do not expect miracles.


[ Doorbell rings ]


What do you take me for -- an idiot?


What are you talking about?


Just walk out of here without all of these presents?


Great party.


Oh, chief.


You know what I like best about your family?


What's that?


They live someplace else.