02x04 - Grandpa's Visit

[bunniefuu]

["♪ Gimme a break, I sure deserve it ♪



♪ Gimme a break, I sure deserve it ♪


♪ It's time I made it to the top ♪


♪ Gimme a break, I'm looking forward ♪


♪ Get behind me, pull out every stop ♪


♪ I want a happy ending, I'm tired of pretending ♪


♪ Won't let 'em get the best of me ♪


♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa


♪ Gimme a break


♪ The game is survival


♪ Gimme a break


♪ And plan my arrival


♪ Gimme a break


♪ For heaven's sake


♪ What happened to my piece of the cake? ♪


♪ Gimme a break


♪ Gimme a break


♪ Gimme a break


♪ Gimme a break


♪ Gimme a break!


[ Doorbell rings ]


Will somebody get the door?


[ Doorbell rings, knock on door ]


Somebody's at the door.


[ Doorbell rings, knock on door ]


[ Doorbell rings, knock on door ]


I'm coming!


[ Doorbell rings ]


I said I'm coming!


Is anybody home?


No, grandpapa, we're all in pittsburgh.


Good. Then the bathroom's empty.


When you get older, your bladder shrinks.


Oh, so that's why fred astaire keeps dancing.


Hey, pop.


Here. Give me your jacket. I didn't expect you so soon.


Well, your mother likes to start for the airport early


So she can stop at every church on the way and light a candle.


Where's ed?


He's bringing in the luggage.


Ma packed enough for a week.


Well, here's his things.


What is he gonna wear, garbage?


That's just like mildred.


She gets the samsonite, and I get the hefty.


Okay, carl. Pop's all yours.


Oh, I want you to have the keys to the mortuary.


Wait a minute. Why do we need the keys?


In case there's an emergency.


What kind of emergency?


Well, who knows? People are just dying to get in.


[ Laughs ]


Boy, your jokes are just knocking 'em dead.


Don't blame ed.


It was me that dropped him on his head when he was young.


Take care of mom, now, huh?


And tell aunt ruth we hope the operation's a success.


Sure.


Hi, grandpa.


[ Laughs ]


Hello, grandpa. How are you?


Oh, it's gonna be great having you stay with us.


We've got a room all fixed up for you.


Tell me later.


Grandpa, are you feeling okay?


I will be as soon as I get to the cat box.


Why didn't grandpa stay home alone?


Because I don't think he can take care of himself.


Last time grandma left him alone,


He tried to clean the oven with gasoline.


Oh, yeah. I remember.


It took him almost three months to grow his eyebrows back.


[ Toilet flushes ]


Hup hup hup! Where are you going with my bag?


To your room, the one we fixed up for you.


Oh, no, no, no.


I'll stay down and sleep on the sofa.


Oh, come on. That's silly, pop. You can't do that.


Carl, I am not gonna climb those steps anymore.


My back and forth is okay.


My up and down is shot to hell.


Well, would you --


Would you mind using nell's room while you're here?


I can't be in there, carl.


She might roll over on me.


Well, pop, she's not gonna sleep with you.


Oh!


Your tough luck, nell.


Nell, you don't mind pops using your room


For a little while while he's here, do you?


Oh, chief, who needs a room?


I can always curl up in the refrigerator.


Listen, I'll take care of this, girls.


Why don't you go on upstairs and finish your homework?


But I already did my homework.


Well, then do it again. You need the practice.


Chief, let them stay, please.


They can help me with the dishes.


Trigonometry.


You're right. I need more practice.


Look, I'm sorry, nell,



But pop's only gonna be in there for a few days.


How about some more coffee, huh?


I'm beginning to see


Why your mother didn't take him along.


Chief, what is your father doing with that rope?


I'm making a guideline for myself


So I can find my way in the dark if there's a fire.


Why doesn't he turn on a light?


Because I wouldn't want to disturb anybody.


[ Glasses rattling ]


Grandpa, what are you doing?


Oh, just got a little thirsty for some apple juice.


But it's in the morning.


No. I hope I didn't wake you.


Oh, no, no. I always get up an hour after I go to bed.


Well, I got the ice loose.


You want me to mix you a little eye-opener?


Grandpa, please, just go to bed.


You got all day tomorrow to drive me crazy.


What do I do with all this ice?


Build an igloo.


[ Motor whirring ]


What are you doing now, grandpa?


Cleaning up the kitchen.


Grandpa, don't bother. I'll do it in the morning.


Please just go to bed... Quietly.


Yeah, yeah. I got you. Mum's the word.


Not the one I'm thinking of.


Hmm.


What's this a picture of?


[ Mumbles ]


[ Motor whirring ]


Grandpa, what's going on?!


Grandpa! You're making too much noise!


Nell!


Grandpa!


Grandpa!


Grandpa!!


What are you doing?!


[ Whirring stops ]


Oh.


Your puzzle fell apart.


I'm going to have to check with the chief,


But I think we're talking about justifiable homicide here.


Nell...


Hmm?


What am I eating?


Oh, honey, I was so tired this morning.


I just grabbed the first box I saw.


So you're either eating cream of wheat or spic and span.


That toilet must have flushed times last night.


I dreamt I was on a raft


Floating down the colorado river.


[ Sighs ]


I better go call your father so he won't be late for work.


Chief, your breakfast is ready!


I'll have mine in bed.


Good morning.


Pop, did you stay out here all night?


Oh, carl, I had to. I can't sleep in nell's bed.


It has a great big sag in it.


It's like sleeping in a foxhole.


Lucky for you it's against my principles to deck an old man.


Is she always this grumpy in the morning?


Oh, you know women.


It doesn't take much to get them upset.


Yeah, your mother's the same way.


She hates it when I forget where I put her teeth.


Yeah.


Come on, dad. Why don't you go get dressed, huh?


Then come on in and have some breakfast.


Good morning, girls.


Well, goodbye.


Oh.


Good night, dad. Good night, dad.


Samantha.


Samantha.


Good morning.


Come on, samantha. Come on. Get up.


You got your books. Come on.


Here's your sweater.


And here's your lunch.


Where am I going?


To school. Go.


The other way, honey.


Hey, chief, I know it's none of my business --


That's right.


You got to do something about your father.


While my mother's away, he's my responsibility.


Yeah, and he's driving us crazy.


At least you could lay down a few rules.


Like what?


Well, like he has to be in his room every night by ,


And he can't come out till christmas.


Look, I'm not gonna treat my --


[ Knock on door ]


Who the hell is that?


Don't worry. I'll get it. I'll get it. Just relax.


It's that pain in the keister from next door, mrs. Falkenberg.


Why, mrs. Falkenberg, what a pleasant surprise.



Do come in.


I don't have time for chitchat.


I am here to report a crime.


What's the problem, mrs. Falkenberg?


Well, there's a strange man peeking in my bedroom window.


Is he still out there?


He's not out there.


He's looking from inside this house.


And that's him!


Of course it's me. Who are you?


Wait a minute.


Uh-oh.


Grandpa, what are you doing with those binoculars?


Just looking at her tush. [ Gasps ]


You -- you see? He admits it. He was staring in that window.


Pop, you're a married man.


Pop?


H-he's your father?


The -- the chief of police harboring a pervert?


Just for a week.


Well, this -- this is scandalous.


I really ought to call the mayor.


Look, mrs. Falkenberg, I'm sorry.


I promise you it won't happen again.


I sincerely hope so,


Because I'm not one to turn the other cheek.


You don't have to. I've already seen it.


Aah!


Sex maniac!


She's got good legs, too. Look at her run.


[ Chuckles ]


Pop, I think it's about time


We had a little father-son talk.


Carl, you've already got three children.


There's nothing left to tell you.


Look, pop, I'll give it to you straight.


When you're living in my house,


You got to follow my rules.


You want me to quit looking at the neighbors?


And stop banging the ice cubes and flushing the toilet.


Please, would you keep your hands off the thermostat?


Oh, I only turned that up to dry off nell's curtains.


Well, how did her curtains get wet?


When I put them in the fish t*nk.


I had to, carl.


They were on fire.


You burnt nell's curtains?


Well, that was an accident.


See, I wanted to k*ll a spider.


I didn't want to mash him and make a mess, so, uh...


So?


So I lit a match under him.


And that's how you k*lled the spider?


No. He got away.


But the goldfish aren't making too much noise.


Pop, look, that's enough.


I don't want you coming out of your room after midnight.


I don't want to see that guide rope.


I don't want to hear the vacuum cleaner.


And I don't want you blasting the tv.


Well, that's a lot not to do.


I better get started right away.


Well, he took that pretty well.


Yeah.


But I hate myself.


I had to talk to my father as if he were a child.


I don't think I can look at myself in the mirror again.


Do what I do, chief.


Sneak up on it.


Come on, chief. You didn't eat your breakfast.


Chief, come on. Eat your breakfast.


Pop!


Pop, I'm going to work now. See you when I get home.


Do you hear me, pop?


Now he's not talking to me.


Grandpa, come on and tell carl goodbye.


Gran--


He's not in there.


He's not in the bathroom, either.


Chief, did you leave the front door open?


No.


He left his binoculars.


What do you see?


Only mrs. Falkenberg picking up the mail.


She's waving at me.


With a single finger.


Hi, nell. How's it going?


Honey, not too well. Your grandfather ran away from home.


Where could he have gone? I don't know.


I have looked everywhere.


Maybe he hitched a ride.


Who'd pick up a lonely old man?


A lonely old woman.


But he's so old.


Do you think he'll get home okay?


If he does, he won't be able to get in.


Nobody gave him a key, did they?


Whoops. Keys. Is your uncle ed's keys there?


No. They should be right here.


Mm-hmm.



Listen, if your father calls,


Tell him to meet me down at your uncle ed's place.


The mortuary?


[ Door closes ]


[ Thinking ] well, I sold enough of these in my day.


Never thought I'd have to pick out one for myself.


But I've got no reason to hang around anymore.


Huh -- waterproof.


How do they know if it leaks or not?


Who complains?


Plastic lid, polyester ruffles.


Tackiest thing I ever saw.


Even the hinges are painted on.


All this one needs is racing stripes.


Huh. Wouldn't you know it?


A water bed.


Grandpa?


Uh-oh. Uh-oh.


Grandpa?


Grandpa?


[ Hinges creaking ]


Grandpa, if you're here, please answer me.


If you're not...


Nobody answer.


Grandpa, I know you're here.


You left the front door open.


You left your key in the front door, and --


God.


Oh, I'm too late.


He's gone.


Oh.


Oh, grandpa, I'm so sorry.


Oh, it's all my fault. I shouldn't have yelled at you.


I mean, what's a little noise in the middle of the night


Compared to this?


I...


Right now a flush would be music to my ears.


Grandpa, I would do anything to have you back.


Can I watch tv as loud as I want?


Uh-huh.


Can I turn up the heat as high as I like?


Grandpa, I have always wanted to live in a steam bath.


Can I look at mrs. Falkenberg's tush?


If that's the best you can do, you got it.


You got yourself a deal.


Grandpa?


Grandpa!


I'm right here.


Oh, grandpa, I'm so glad to see you.


Come on, now. You knew I was here all along.


Of course. Yes, I knew it.


Then why were you looking upwards?


Well, I guess because I'm just stupid.


I was looking the wrong way. You are a devil, you know.


Yeah, but I'm cute.


Oh, let's go home.


Hey, grandpa, if you're here...


Whose tie is that?


I don't know.


But he must have died of bad taste.