02x05 - Take My Baby, Please

[bunniefuu]

["♪ Gimme a break, I sure deserve it ♪



♪ Gimme a break, I sure deserve it ♪


♪ It's time I made it to the top ♪


♪ Gimme a break, I'm looking forward ♪


♪ Get behind me, pull out every stop ♪


♪ I want a happy ending, I'm tired of pretending ♪


♪ Won't let 'em get the best of me ♪


♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa


♪ Gimme a break


♪ The game is survival


♪ Gimme a break


♪ And plan my arrival


♪ Gimme a break


♪ For heaven's sake


♪ What happened to my piece of the cake? ♪


♪ Gimme a break


♪ Gimme a break


♪ Gimme a break!


Katie, your plant's making tinkle.


What?


Oh, no!


Give me that.


Oh.


Good afternoon.


This is julie kanisky,


And I'm about to record the exciting life history


Of my oldest living ancestor,


My grandfather, stanley kanisky.


I'm ready now, grandpa. Wake up.


I'm not sleeping.


Then why are your eyes closed?


I just don't want the world to see too much of me.


Give me that.


[ Coughing ]


[ Hacking ]


My name is stanley kanisky.


I was born in warsaw.


You could say I am the first polish joke.


We were farmers,


And my parents had six cows, three pigs,


And my two sisters.


Does anybody know where nell keeps the floor wax?


I couldn't find any vacuum-cleaner bags, either.


Look, why don't we just wait until nell gets home


And let her do everything?


Sweetie, we can't ask nell to do anything today.


She went to a funeral.


A funeral? Was it for me?


No, stanley. Nell's cousin passed away.


Oh, I hope it wasn't anything serious.


No, they just buried her for a joke.


Oh, you do make a mess here, kate.


Oh...well.


Oh, grandma...


That's delicious.


What's in it?


I think it's fertilizer.


[ Chuckles ] fertilizer.


Come on, katie.


I'll show you how to wring out a mop.


Okay, grandpa, I want you to tell me


All about how you met grandma,


And give me all the details.


Okay, but I reserve the right to leave out the kinky stuff.


Oh, samantha, how was the ball game?


It was cancelled on account of the fight.


Oh, the kids got in a fight?


No, the fathers did.


What were they fighting about?


Whether or not the umpire's the son of a female dog.


Julie, what are you doing?


Oh, it's my school report -- "roots of the kanisky clan."


I didn't know white people had roots.


Sure they do.


They just can't slam-dunk worth a damn.


Go ahead, grandpa.


Well, first time I ever met mildred


Was at a polish picnic in west covina.


We had a wonderful time --


Singing, dancing, bobbing for sausage.


And then we went our separate ways,


And I never saw her again.


[ Doorbell rings ] I'll get it.


Hello, samantha. I'm officer simpson.


I'm afraid you missed my dad.


He's at the station house catching up on some paper work.


No, he isn't. See, we had a little problem.


Simpson, is something wrong?


Now, I don't want you to get upset when I tell you this.


Simpson, what happened?!


See, you're getting shook up already.


Simpson, tell me what happened!


Your father's been shot.


Oh, no!


But by a very small b*llet.


Katie, grandma!


Wait a minute!


Daddy's been shot!


He's coming in now.


Now, just act natural. Pretend nothing happened, huh?


Everything's under control, chief.



I broke it to them gently.


Dad, what happened? You got shot?


Are you okay? Did you go to the hospital?


Dad? Dad, what happened?


This idiot shot me.


Oh, sure, blame me --


Just because I happened to be holding the g*n...


There happened to be a b*llet in the chamber...


And I happened to pull the trigger.


Daddy, are you all right?


Yeah, it's just a flesh wound.


Ahh!


I wasn't even in the room when it happened.


The b*llet went through my wall into his office.


What the hell were you doing


Firing off your g*n in a police station for?


I told you, chief.


I was just showing one of the rookies


My secret quick draw.


See, the trick is,


I never pull the g*n out of the holster.


I just...


[ g*nsh*t, glass shatters ]


Don't sh**t! Take my watch!


Take my money! Take my teeth!


My goldfish! Gertrude's been shot!


Take her to the bathroom.


I hope this isn't gonna hurt my chances for promotion.


Look, just get back to the station house


And fill out the discharged-weapons report.


Every b*llet has to be accounted for, remember?


Yeah.


And, simpson, for your own good, I'd keep a lid on this.


You can depend on me. I know how to keep things quiet.


Goodbye. Goodbye, chief.


Oh, chief,


Thanks again for not sh**ting back, huh?


Aah!


There goes a man who gives a whole new meaning


To the word "jackass."


Look, dad, just relax.


I'll fix you a bowl of chili you'll never forget.


Uh-oh. I better go help her make the chili.


The last time, it took me an hour


To get it out of the toaster.


That's it. My goldfish is gone.


I'm sorry, honey.


I just couldn't pull her through.


I tried everything, even mouth-to-mouth.


Dad, what were you doing when you got shot?


I was reading some of simpson's reports,


And I was scratching my head, trying to figure them out.


Suddenly, bang!


He missed your head by an inch!


Daddy, will you hold me, please?


You almost got k*lled today.


Well, I didn't.


It's all right. It's over. I'm fine.


Dad, aren't you afraid of croaking?


Come on -- did you ever know your father


To be afraid of anything?


I remember the time there was a snake in our backyard.


I mean anything with feet.


Come on, honey.


I just got nicked in the hand.


Nothing serious happened. I'm okay.


I'll probably live forever.


Bet that's what mom thought.


She died, and look how young she was.


God took your mother


Because he always picks the prettiest flowers.


You mean if she were ugly, she'd still be alive?


Well, let me put it another way.


When god's looking for angels,


He chooses the good people first.


And leaves the bad ones here.


Yeah, that's right.


No wonder the world's going to hell.


Carl! Carl, are you all right?


I'm fine.


Oh, good.


You know, you're the only brother I got.


I was afraid for a minute there


That I had another customer for my mortuary.


How come you found out so fast?


My contact down at the station house.


Somebody in my department tipped you off?


Yeah -- he gives me hot tips and cold stiffs.


[ Laughs ]


Uncle ed, daddy almost got shot in the head.


Well, at least it wasn't a vital organ.


Hey, carl, I just stopped over


To see if you were all right.


And you are.


So I got to go.


Goodbye.


I got a stiff waiting in the hearse.


You left him out there all alone?


He ain't gonna go anywhere.


I got the keys! [ Laughs ]



How do you know he's really dead?


When I told him how much I was gonna charge


For his funeral, he never batted an eye.


Yeah, but how do you know dead people can't hear


Or know what's going on around them?


Come on with me, sam.


Where are you taking me?


Out to the hearse.


You can yell in his ear and pinch him, see if he moves.


No! No more dead people! No!


God, this is samantha.


I'm sorry to bother you on a saturday.


I know you're busy with your jewish friends...


But this can't wait till tomorrow.


See, I'm all confused how you're running things up there.


It might not be your fault.


It could be one of your assistant angels


Screwing things up --


You know, one whose harp is missing a few strings?


It's just not fair the way you let people die.


You already took my mom.


Today you almost took my dad.


I don't know who's gonna be next.


I'm scared.


What are you doing?


Talking to my bed.


Dad, why does uncle ed act like that?


You came this close to being dead.


Close only counts in horseshoes.


Uncle ed thinks dying's a big joke.


Uncle ed's full of horseshoes.


Come on, let's stop talking about this death stuff, huh?


Let's see how the lakers did today.


And sometime tomorrow,


President and mrs. Reagan will be returning


From their month-long working vacation in tahiti.


On the local scene, here's an update


On glenlawn's story of the hour --


The t*rror1st attempt to assassinate


Our chief of police, carl kanisky.


Did he say "assassinate"?


I think so.


Our man in the field, hamilton storm,


Is standing by with a live minicam report.


Waiting with him


Is a source high up in the police department.


Come in, ham.


Hi, there.


This is your man in the field, hamilton storm.


And with me is officer... What is your name, sir?


Could you repeat the question?


Your name -- what is your name, sir?


Ralph simpson.


Fine.


As I understand it, chief kanisky was able to block


The would-be assassin's b*llet with his own hand.


That's right.


He was returning my salute.


[ Imitates g*nsh*t ]


So I actually saved his life.


The idiot.


I'm gonna have his brain taken out and fingerprinted.


Now, officer simpson, what do you think this is?


Terrorism? Bizarre cult K*llers?


Or some sex scandal.


Well, there you have it.


Now back to our studio


For bambi collins and her exclusive close-up --


"Wife swapping -- how to come out ahead."


You want to learn about death?


Wait till you see what I do to simpson.


Hi, katie.


Hi.


What are you making, lettuce soup?


No, squirt, I'm making a salad,


But I can't find where nell keeps the salad bowl.


Katie, can I ask you something?


Sure, but make it fast.


I've got to start getting ready for my date tonight.


Do you ever think about dying?


Yeah, once in a while.


What a relief.


I thought I was the only one in this family


Who cared about dying.


At your age? Sam, forget it.


Look, if you dye your hair, dad will throw a fit.


[ Pounding on door ]


Look, do me a favor, huh?


Whatever you do,


Keep your television tuned to "sesame street"


For the next couple of days, huh?


It's too late. Dad already saw the news.


Oh!


Simpson, can I ask you something?


Yeah, what?


Do you ever think about dying?


I am right this very minute.


Are you scared?


Not of dying.


Just hurting.



See, I believe in reincarnation.


That's where, after you die, you come back as somebody else.


Do you know who you're gonna be?


Tom selleck.


People think we look a lot alike.


Simpson.


What the hell is all this crap --


Assassinated by t*rrorists?


You were?


Oh, you mean the news report.


I don't know how the media get hold of these stories.


I saw you telling them on the tv news.


Well, that's one way.


Samantha, would you mind leaving us alone for a little?


Simpson and I are gonna have a man-to-moron talk.


Okay.


Yeah, I'll go with her.


You're gonna stay right here.


I was afraid you were gonna say that.


And then great-grandma and great-grandpa


Moved into west covina in .


Julie, can I ask you about something?


Sure, squirt, what about?


About dying.


I got to tell you, samantha,


That's not my favorite topic of conversation.


It's bad enough uncle ed runs a mortuary.


Well, it's a living.


You'd be surprised what you could pick up


In spare change alone.


But, julie, I'm scared.


I don't know what's gonna happen to me after I die.


Do you believe in reincarnation?


You got to be kidding.


When you go, you go. That's it.


They bury you while people weep


In a hole that's feet deep.


♪ The worms crawl in, the worms crawl out ♪


♪ The worms play pinochle on your snout ♪


Julie, stop it!


[ European accent ] and then you turn an icky green,


And your guts come out like sour cream.


Julie, you stink!


[ Door opens ]


Is this seat taken?


No.


What you doing, watching the world go by?


I was watching an ant struggling with a crumb.


Ooh, can I watch, too?


It's too late. You just squashed him.


Oh.


I wonder if he knows that he's dead.


Oh, samantha, it's just an ant.


Yeah, but he probably had a family...


And baby ants who were waiting for him


To bring home that crumb.


Now they'll never see him again.


They won't have anyone to take care of them.


Well, maybe their mother will.


What if their mother's dead like mine?


Yeah, I know how you feel.


I still miss my mother a little.


Don't worry, grandpa.


You'll be able to see her again soon.


Just don't rush me.


Aren't you afraid of dying?


Nope.


On the other hand, I'm in no great hurry.


Like they say, "dying can ruin your whole day."


It's just not fair that people have to die.


Samantha, you got to think of life like a sack of jelly beans.


You know, when you get to the last few,


You start eating them slower.


You enjoy every little bit of flavor.


You want to make them last as long as possible.


I know what you mean.


When there's just one bean left, I can make it last forever.


Oh, but if you're smart, you can make them all last.


Just take every moment nice and slow


And enjoy all the flavor in every single bean.


So if I make every second of my life count,


I won't have time to worry about dying.


Yeah. [ Chuckles ]


Oh, grandpa, I love you.


I hope you've got a lot of beans left.


Well, according to your grandma, I'm just full of beans.


[ Sighs ]


Sam nell?


Hi, honey.


I missed you so much!


Oh, I missed you, too.


How was the funeral?


Well, about as good as funerals go, I guess.


Come sit down.


Okay.


Oh, okay.


You know what?


I still just can't believe that georgina's gone.


We had so many laughs together.


I know what you mean.



You do?


Yeah.


And you will, too, as soon as you get older.


What are you talking about?


See, you're just gonna have to come to realize


That life's like a big bag of jelly beans.


Aha. You've been listening to ronald reagan again, huh?


Come on. What went wrong while I was gone?


Nothing.


That's good.


Except dad got shot.


Hmm?


Only don't worry --


It wasn't a t*rror1st. He's fine.


And gertrude bought the farm.


She was blown out of the water in the prime of her life.


I don't believe this. I don't believe this.


[ g*nsh*t ] aah!


[ Chief screaming ]


Chief, I'm sorry!