02x14 - The Centerfold: Part 1

[bunniefuu]

♪ Gimme a break, I sure deserve it ♪



♪ Gimme a break, I sure deserve it ♪


♪ It's time I made it to the top ♪


♪ Gimme a break, I'm looking forward ♪


♪ Get behind me, pull out every stop ♪


♪ I want a happy ending, I'm tired of pretending ♪


♪ Won't let 'em get the best of me ♪


♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa


♪ Gimme a break


♪ The game is survival


♪ Gimme a break


♪ And plan my arrival


♪ Gimme a break


♪ For heaven's sake


♪ What happened to my piece of the cake? ♪


♪ Gimme a break


♪ Gimme a break


♪ Oh, gimme a break


♪ Gimme a break


♪ Hey, gimme a break!


Gertrude, would you take a look at that?


Millions of people starving all over the world...


And samantha didn't even touch her french toast.


I would be ashamed to let somebody see this.


I'll protect her.


I hate myself, but I can start my diet tomorrow.


Well, she could have left some milk


For the millions of people who are starving.


Chief will you tell me what's going on here?!


I was just cleaning the plates.


I found something very interesting in my sock.


Maybe it was your foot.


Go on, look inside.


Aw, chief, if it's a christmas present,


I really wish you would just hang it on the fireplace.


Come on, look.


You know what that is?


It's mr. Footie come to say hello.


That's what I found.


Hmm.


A cigarette butt that's been cleaned and pressed.


Somebody in this house is smoking.


♪ Dum-de-dum-dum-dum


Look, I'm not in the mood to kid around.


I want you to tell me which of the girls is smoking.


My lips are sealed.


Well, if they are, it must be with maple syrup.


Look, nell, you know I wouldn't want you to squeal on anybody.


I'm not that kind of a person.


I'm not asking you to name names.


I'll name the names. You just nod.


I'm sorry. You're not gonna turn me into a stoolie.


Well, I decided to finish my french toast.


Too late.


What happened?


Nell's keeping it warm for you.


Never mind where.


[ Laughs ]


You know, chief,


You're bucking for something unpleasant in your meat loaf.


Samantha, why don't you sit down here next to daddykins?


I'm innocent.


Oh, no, it's nothing like that.


Samantha, you and I have always leveled with each other.


I've always leveled with you, but you've lied to me a lot.


What are you talking about?


Well, remember the time you brought this lady over


And you made us all go to bed early?


And later when I came down for a snack,


I saw you squeezing her,


And you told me you were showing her a choke hold.


When I came downstairs,


They were mud wrestling without the mud.


All right, enough of this pussyfooting around.


Samantha, I'm gonna put it to you straight --


Have you been smoking around the house?


Of course not.


How about outside the house?


Not there, either.


How about inside your dad's socks?


Samantha, would you be offended


If I asked you to empty your pockets?


I sure would.


Well, empty them anyway.


Let's see.


I've got...


A dime, a nickel,


A canadian penny I can't unload...


A whistle that only a dog can hear.


That ridiculous whistle?


[ Dog barking ]


Bye. I won't be back till dinner.


Freeze!


Is that finger loaded?


You're not going anywhere until you answer a few questions.


Dad, I'm in a hurry. Wait a minute!


Dad, there's a sale on designer bikinis,


And I want to get there early!


I hope you're not gonna get one of those things


That looks like a band-aid and two eye patches.


What do you want, dad?



Somebody around here has been doing something


They know I don't approve of, and I have the feeling


That I'm looking at that somebody right now.


I didn't do it. Dad, I swear.


I was at andrea grant's house making fudge.


Katie, I want the truth now.


All right, I lied.


I really was out with jack reinhart.


Oh, wow!


The guy with the van that sleeps two?


Well, I'll get into that later.


What I want to know right now is, have you been smoking?


Dad, I don't smoke.


Jack hates girls with nicotine breath.


Yeah, the only time he puts a butt out in his van


Is when he's mooning.


Samantha, grow up.


I've been trying to, katie,


But it's not very easy when you've got two dumb sisters.


Chief, wait a minute!


Chief, julie's gonna bust a gut when she sees this.


Yeah, better a gut than a lung.


What are you looking for?


Chief, if you lie down with bears,


You get up with fleas.


Why don't you punch teddy in the stomach?


Maybe he'll spit out some cigarettes.


Oh, brilliant.


Since when did the tooth fairy start leaving cigarettes?


Chief, please, don't do that.


There's a very nice family of termites in there.


Don't bother their home.


Look at this -- a dirty t-shirt. I'll wash it.


It'll still stay filthy.


You know, chief,


You're gonna have one angry daughter when she sees this.


I don't care.


This is my castle, and I'm the king.


Hmm, that must be the reason


You spend so much time on the throne.


Chief, are you looking for cigarettes in a panty drawer?


There could be a false bottom.


In her panties?


No, in the drawer.


Now, where would I hide if I were a cigarette?


You're sick. You're a very sick man.


What the hell is going on here?


You hear that?


A girl who will swear is a girl who will smoke.


I don't believe this.


May I ask what's going on here?


I'll explain, honey.


Nell, I think there's something burning in the kitchen.


Oh, don't let it bother you. It's just your dinner.


Listen, sweetheart, remember, you are innocent


Until you are caught red-handed.


Julie, I'm very disappointed in you.


Well, that's nothing new, now, is it?


I mean, I'm not the first-born, like katie.


I'm not the darling baby of the family, like samantha.


I'm just the middle kid,


And I always get stuck with the short end of the stick.


Don't give me that psychological bull.


You know what I found in my sock this morning?


A cigarette butt.


Dad, you should hold a cigarette


Between your fingers, not your toes.


You know I don't permit smoking in this house.


I don't smoke.


I have proof that you do.


I questioned both your sisters, and they're clean.


Now, give me those cigarettes.


Dad, I told you, I don't know what you're talking about.


Word of honor?


On my word of honor as an ex-brownie.


Well, if you put it that way, I guess I'll have to accept it.


I'm sorry I messed up your room.


It's okay. It saves me the trouble.


Julie, I'm sorry if I got a little rough with you.


Will you forgive me for being so suspicious?


I guess I went a little overboard, huh?


I mean, I'm in charge here,


And I got to be obeyed, right?


All I ask is that you promise never to touch tobacco.


Promise?


That's all I want to hear.


Now give me a kiss and let's forget about all this.


Daddy, why?


You lied! You broke the rules!


I'm sorry, but rules are rules!


And as long as you're a member of my family,


You'll have to obey those rules!


You just said the magic words.


What are you doing?


This part of the family is resigning.


What a mess.


Place looks like it's decorated in newspapers,


The fish t*nk is filthy.


I have to admit the goldfish is a bad housekeeper.


And look at this phone.



The cord looks like a rat's nest.


That's a new service you get from the phone company.


They sneak in at night and twist up the lines for you.


This chair is falling apart.


Can't somebody perform a simple task,


Like getting a screwdriver and tightening the screw?


Do I have to do everything around here myself?


What was that shampoo you got?


Makes my hair smell like dead leaves.


The only thing that smells around here


Is your stubborn attitude.


Oh, now I'm stubborn, huh?


Yeah -- and you're too stubborn


To admit that you're stubborn.


Well, who was it that put the wrong key in the front door


And kept forcing it until it broke off?


And who was too stubborn to change the bug light


So I could see what I was doing?


And who was too stubborn to buy one until they went on sale?


Dad, is all this yelling and screaming


'Cause julie left home?


It has nothing to do with julie.


Yes, it does.


It has everything to do with julie,


And you're too stubborn to even admit that.


Dad, I can understand why you hit her.


There's lots of times I wanted to haul off


And make her eat fist.


Samantha.


Sometimes the only way to a woman's heart


Is through a rap in the mouth.


Go to your room.


Now that julie's left home, can I have her room?


Julie has not left home.


She only went to your grandma and grandpa


Until the smoke clears.


You mean dad will let her back once her room airs out?


No.


Anybody who can't obey my rules can't live in my house.


It's time you all learned that I am the boss here.


The master, the chairman of the board, the commander in chief.


Where are you going?


I'm going to fill the bathtub with some water


So you can walk on it.


Look, I'm just trying to be a good father.


I never raised my hand to any of the kids before.


Not even samantha


The time she threw all my b*ll*ts into the barbecue.


I was only .


I thought they'd make the hamburgers get done faster.


Oh, honey, don't worry. The dogs loved it.


It rained meat for three blocks.


Come on, chief, why don't you admit that you miss julie?


We all do.


Yeah, if she isn't back to do my composition,


I'm gonna flunk history.


You flunk that history and you're gonna see me smoke --


And I don't mean with cigarettes.


Dad, would you like me to go over there and talk to her?


What I'd like you to do, samantha, is go to your room.


Which room?


The one assigned to you.


In the non-smoking section.


You know, chucky baxter and I once shared a cigarette.


You smoked?!


We tried to.


The paper burned, but the chocolate melted.


Damn screw is stripped.


What are you so hysterical about?


She lied to me. She told me a deliberate lie.


She blew smoke right in my face.


I will not have smoking in this house.


Smoking kills you.


Well, I don't think booze saved any lives.


I just have a drink now and then to relax myself.


Sure.


You were so relaxed the other night,


You couldn't even stand up.


I just fell asleep on the couch, that's all.


Mm-hmm.


One man's sleep is another man's stupor.


A drink calms me down. I enjoy it.


Same way you enjoy eating between meals.


That was a cheap shot, chief.


One man's snack is another man's pig-out.


I'd rather drink booze than be a test pilot for sara lee.


Okay. So we all have our bad habits.


None of this would have happened if she'd only apologized.


You didn't give her a chance.


You know, if she were my daughter,


I would go talk to her.


I don't know.


Well, she needs you,


And you're not doing anybody any good


By sitting around here eating your heart out.


She wouldn't listen to me.


Well, I guess you'll just have to let her


Keep on smoking, then.


All right. All right. I'll go.


But it won't be easy.



That's what the porcupine said on his wedding night.


[ Doorbell rings ]


Mildred stanley, answer the doorbell.


Who are you calling a dumbbell?


Grandpa, she said "doorbell."


Oh, oh, oh!


[ Doorbell rings ]


Must be my friend sophie.


If it is, she needs a shave.


Chief pop, it's me -- carl.


It's the incredible hulk.


Tell him I'm not here and if I were here,


I wouldn't have anything to say to him.


And if I did have anything to say to him,


You wouldn't dare repeat it.


And if you did repeat it,


I wouldn't want to be here when he heard it.


Hold it, carl.


I got to get a pencil and paper and put this down.


Forget it, grandpa.


Just tell him I joined a band of guerrillas


In central america.


Come on, pop. I want to talk to julie.


Where is she?


She's in central america delivering gorilla-grams.


Pop, I know she's here.


She doesn't want to talk to you, and neither do i.


Oh, it's you. I'm not talking to you.


Three strikes. You're out.


Pop, I came to make peace.


Oh, you did? Well, it's about time.


All right. I'll get her.


Ma, I don't know what got into me.


When I saw her with that cigarette,


Something in me just snapped.


Carl, you used to smoke, and so did your papa.


Hi.


Hello.


You're looking good.


Thanks.


I guess that slap must have straightened out my teeth.


I'm fine, too. Thanks for asking.


How's sam?


Samantha's fine, katie's fine, gertrude's fine.


Look, I want you to forget about what I did,


And I'll forget about what you did.


The important thing is that you stop smoking.


Dad, you're trying to run my life again.


I don't want any child of mine smoking.


Child? I'm halfway to .


Well, we'll discuss that when we get home.


Look, if I can't have some basic freedoms in my life,


I'm not going home.


Oh, yes, you are going home.


You touch one hair on that girl's head,


I'll punch your nose in so far you'll smell coming and going.


Pop, come on. Now, stay out of this, huh?


You afraid to stand up to the old man, eh?


Stanley, will you act your age?


Be quiet and hold my teeth.


Forget it, pop. There's not gonna be a fight.


You're right, julie.


Sooner or later you're going to have to live your own life.


So it might as well be sooner.


I want to explain a few things.


Take it easy.


I'm not gonna hit you or yell at you.


It wouldn't do any good if you did.


I know that.


See, this isn't the first time I've had this fight.


You had it with katie?


No, with your mother.


We were both heavy smokers.


Yeah. I sort of remember that.


There used to be a lot of ashtrays and stuff


All over the house.


[ Chuckles ]


My insurance rates kept going up every year,


And it kept getting harder and harder


To pass the police physical.


And one day, my doctor said to me,


He said, "carl, you're gonna die if you don't quit smoking.


"And if you die, people are gonna think I'm a lousy doctor,


So quit smoking or don't come back."


So I quit,


And I tried to get your mother to do the same thing.


But she never did.


Oh, yeah. Sure, she did.


She must have quit about a dozen times.


But she always went back to it,


And I got angry with her for it.


And we used to fight about it.


Became a sore point in our lives.


And then I realized that it was coming between us,


And I couldn't handle it.


So I quit nagging at her and let her go on smoking.


You lost the fight.


No, I lost your mother.


She died a year later of lung cancer.


One miserable, lousy, awful year later.



Daddy, why didn't you tell me this before?


I just couldn't talk about it. It's...


I can't face it, even now.


It's like a nightmare.


I wouldn't be talking about it now if it wasn't for you.


I'm sorry, daddy.


I didn't know.


I asked myself, you know, "why didn't I keep nagging her?


Why didn't I scream at her? Why didn't I hit her?"


I could have saved her.


Daddy, it's not your fault she died.


Well, this is one fight I'm not gonna lose, julie.


I don't care how much you wind up hating me.


I'm not gonna stop nagging you.


Daddy, I could never hate you.


And I don't know how hard it's gonna be to quit,


But I'm gonna try.


Let's... Let's go get your things.


Well, stanley, it looks like we're alone again.


Yeah, we can make as much noise as we want


In the bedroom tonight.


What are you gonna do, snore louder?