02x01 - NNP

[bunniefuu]

- So many hotties out today.
- Yeah.

- You see that guy?
- Yeah, I see him.

- Slim-fit, high-waisted jean?
- Uh-huh, it certainly is.

- And a sensible sneaker.
- Oh, yes, ma'am.

Usually not my thing, but I'll pound it.

Oh, I'm gonna pound it, too.

What about this?

Leather jacket on an
unseasonably warm day?

Oh, he was big in the ' s.

But at least we know he doesn't
mind getting sweaty, right?

- Exactly!
- I kinda like that.

- Yeah, pound it!
- Pound it!

I want somebody to be
just as sweaty as I am.

I wanna know they're
putting in the f*ckin' work.

Oh, , . Done!

Oh God,

how can we get our
steps every single day,

and yet my pants are still tight?

I don't know. Maybe you oughta
get on that elastic band life.

Then you never really
know what's goin' on.

- Seriously?
- You seeing this?

I mean, that, that's disgusting.

I bet he wakes up every morning

and gives her a sweet little kiss

right on the tip of her clitoris.

- Gross. Sam!
- What?

Ah...

- Hey, Trish.
- Hey, you gotta meet me.

- I have Dad's list.
- Like, right now?

I'm kinda in the middle of someth...

Meet me in an hour

and please do not keep me waiting 'cause

- I have like , ...
- I'll be there!

- f*ckin' Tricia.
- Mm.

- You know what she would never do?
- What?

- She'd never play "pound it or pass."
- Her loss.

Seriously. Like, look at that guy.

- Well you know he loves poetry.
- Yeah.

Really, really, really
enjoys infomercials.

- Oh, can't wait to tell you about his day.
- Yeah.

Hates Cher.

- No, he doe... Who hates Cher?
- I mean, this guy.

- Oh, well, then pass.
- Pass?!

I'm not pounding that.

Oh, you coulda had it so good.

Where is Roger? He's late today.

There he is.

Oh.

Okay.

I'm glad he's okay.

You did the right thing.

- Wanna do another lap?
- Why would we do that?

- It'll be fun.
- No, it won't.

- Okay, we can just go back to the car.
- Okay, you ready?

Well, first, can I
just tell you something?

- No. Joel...
- Well, since we don't have time to do another lap,

- I have time to say this.
- No, no, please. Joel.

Don't do it. Don't ruin
this moment, please.

I really love you.

Joel. Joel!

Come on.

I'm doing another lap! You got me!

- I love you.
- You know I don't have the infrastructure

- to go this fast! Stop talking!
- I love you!

I mean, I don't
know why he sent this to me.

You're the one who told him to go.

Well, you're the responsible one.

- Didn't you teach him how to use a cell phone?
- I did,

- but I-I don't know. I guess it didn't work.
- Guess not.

Alright, well, this is all good.

Uh, "Made it to the
airport in plenty of time.

Had an aisle seat." That's fascinating.

- "Made friends with the stewardess."
- Of course.

Um...

"Wish you girls could see the boat.

"Uncle Frank really restored it good.

"Grilling up steaks tonight.

Setting sail tomorrow morning."

Okay, here's our to-do list.

- It's extensive.
- f*ck.

"Number one, visit
your mother every day."

Let's start that one tomorrow.

"Put in storm windows, vacuum,
feed chickens, mow lawn,

check sump pump, clean out barn."

I-I can't... I cannot
deal with this right now!

I just can't! I mean, I gotta go.

I gotta go to work, gotta
pack Shannon up. I mean...

- Okay, alright.
- This was your idea anyway! I hate farming.

We're not farming, Tricia!
We're unfarming!

And...

Come on. Aren't you glad

he's finally doing
something for himself?

Well... the timing sucks.

Alright. I'm gonna come by
later to say goodbye to Shannon.

- Okay.
- I wanna give her some of my old KU shirts.

- Okay.
- She didn't tell you I got her a fake ID, did she?

I mean, I'm pretty sure
you're kidding, but...

I'm kidding.

But I did tell her where to get one.

You're not funny.

I think it's funny.

Of course, you were
talking to your neighbor.

I gotta clear out the barn.

- Remind me, I need to get trash bags.
- Mm.

Oh, f*ck, you know what?
I already made a list.

Why can't I remember anything anymore?

- Menopause?
- Perimenopause.

- What's the difference?
- f*ck, nobody knows.

It should be an easy flip.
It's just like an older couple.

They're real sweet,
in town for the game.

And I locked up all of my
crystal in the owner's closet.

- Lesson learned.
- Good.

I can't believe I let you cut my hair.

- Oh, but it's so...
- kitty.

- It is kitty, right? Kitty.
- So kitty. I'd pound that.

- Hey.
- Here's your hazelnut

and soy milk latte for your husband.

Oh, here you go, honey.

Kisses.

We better get you home. I know
the caffeine gets you horny.

Oh yeah.

♪ I'm just soaking wet ♪

♪ Oh, I'm so wet, oh ♪

♪ So f*cking wet, ow-ow, watch out! ♪

- Should we do our stretches?
- Yeah.

One, two, three.

Ugh, I really wish tonight

wasn't a designated non-drinking night.

What are you talking about?
We just had two DNDNs in a row.

- We did?
- Yeah! It's definitely time for a DN,

unless you cheated.

Joel, I would never!

Okay, then. Let's go out, you know?

Go downtown, take your mind off things.

- My friend Carla, from yoga, she said that...
- Oh, my God, Joel!

You know I hate when you
talk about your yoga friends.

- I know, but she's different. She's...
- Oh, stop! NNP, Joel.

- What's NNP?
- No new people!

Especially somebody that can
touch their nose to their twat.

It's not natural.

- But she's different. She's pregnant.
- Oh, strike two.

I will never give her a chance.

- They left it unlocked.
- Oh, that's good.

- Yo! Oh! Sam! Oh, my God!
- Ah! What the f*ck is this?

There is a clear no-pet policy.

- Oof. Can't believe you stepped in it.
- I know.

The smell is living in my nose.

I don't know if I can
come back from this.

Oh, Joel, we're burning
those shoes tonight.

These are my good step shoes!

Not anymore.

What about this?

You think pa-pah counts
as organic matter?

Oh yeah.

Hey, Steve! Does this
stuff work on dog sh*t?

- You got a mess?
- Steve,

it's really bad.

It's really bad.

Yeah, that should do it.

- Let's load it up.
- Alright.

I'm getting at least two.

- One more.
- Okay.

Do you think they have snacks here?

- Oh, they do, actually. I do know that for a fact.
- Oh.

f*ck.

Oh, my God...

Holy sh*t.

I ain't got nowhere to put it.

Ah, f*ck.

Oh.

Alright. Well...

think this is it.

- Oh boy. Yeah?
- Okay, one thing.

I hate the sign. I don't really
want that sh*t in my dorm room.

Oh, excuse me. That is the sh*t
that paid for your dorm room,

so it stays.

Okay, fine.

You know, it just seems like yesterday

we were dropping you
off at kindergarten.

Mom...

Shan, I'm just so proud of you.

You're just the best kid.

Oh, you look gorgeous
for your first day!

I can't stand it.

Okay, let me just get
one more picture, okay?

You pose right here.

One second. Let me get this thing open.

- Alright, ready?
- Okay.

Smile!

- So cute.
- Hey, send it to Dad.

Okay, yeah.

- Actually, no, you could just...
- Oh, no, no, it's fine.

- I'll send it to him.
- No, send it to me. I can send it to him.

Nope. Already sent.

Easy.

- Not a big deal.
- Okay.

Alright. Let me get it together.

Should we go? You ready?

Yeah, I guess.

- I'm not ready, but.
- Yeah.

- Should we get a coffee first?
- We'll get coffee.

Okay.

- Hey!
- Hey.

Well, I think I finally
got the sh*t smell out.

You can maybe smell it, but
you have to really, really try.

How's it going up there?
You ready for the renters?

Yeah, I'm getting there.

You okay?

No.

Just, um...

feels really weird to be here

with all of his stuff, you know?

I...

I mean, I wanted him to go, and
I pushed him to go, and I'm...

and I'm glad he went because I know

that he couldn't have
cleaned out this barn.

It would've broken his heart.

But, I didn't...

I didn't know it'd
break mine, and, um...

Just sitting here, Joel, and he...

he's everywhere.

Every inch of this place is...

him, you know?

He loved this place.

And now, I'm just...

I just feel like I'm
packing up his whole life,

and, um...

God...

Yeah, it just... just sucks.

Do you want me to come out there?

No, just, um...

just sit with me for a minute.

Okay.

Maybe I'm just a little tired.

I don't know.

You know, facing all this
family sh*t without a cocktail.

I can be out there
with a shaker in minutes.

No, no, no.

No. No.

Thank you.

You're doing good
by him. You really are.

Thank you.

Oh, my f*cking... God!

Hi.

Um, Mary Jo Miller?

Oh, I'm sure you've got stories.

Yeah. Is she in her room?

- Yeah. You'll hear her.
- Thanks.

Oh! Didn't see you there.

MJ, you have a visitor.

Hey, Mom! I was worried
I was gonna miss you.

What are you doing here?

Well, I wanted to visit you,
and Dad wanted to make sure

that you have plenty of clean underwear,

so there's some in the drawer,
and I put a little up here, too, okay?

That shithead burnt my house down.

No, Mom. No, he didn't.

- Yes, he did.
- No, he didn't.

Have... Have you been smoking?

Has she been smoking?

- Nothing we can do about it.
- What are you doing, Mom?

You don't smoke. What's that about?

Okay.

Is there anything else I
can bring for you tomorrow?

- No.
- Okay.

Well, I'll see you tomorrow, and just...

You know, thank you. I guess.

Hey, college mama. How'd it go?

Yeah, so do you and your buffer

want to come over for dinner?

I made this... way too much food.

Casseroles. I don't know. I'm just...

- I'm not used to cooking for one.
- Yeah, I'll check with him.

By the way, you owe me. I just saw Mom.

Jesus Christ.

We are leaving as soon
as we finish eating.

Copy that. What's our safe word?

- Tricia!
- Hello!

- Hey.
- Come on in.

- "Juicy."
- "Juicy."

This is fun. Thank you for having us.

Oh no! I'm so glad you came. And Joel...

I mean, have to give
you a little compliment.

You almost make Sam fun. Almost.

- Thanks.
- Thanks...

So, of course, I've been
wondering and thinking

about what this day was gonna be like,

and it was nothing like
I thought it would be.

He wasn't even there.

Well, I know there are mixed
emotions, but, you know,

you should feel proud of yourself.

You raised a really
wonderful young woman.

Thank you.

You know, I've never really
been alone, like, not ever.

I mean, this is it for me.

I mean, you get divorced at my age,

that is the end. Done.

I'll be alone forever,
and, you know, that's fine.

It's not a big deal. But,
Sam, you've always been alone.

I mean, you're good at it
or used to it or whatever.

It's fine for you, and that's fine.

I just never thought that
I would end up like this.

Just never saw it.

Thought I'd be more like Mom
and Dad, like married forever.

- Really?
- Mm-hmm!

- Heck yeah.
- Get treated like sh*t and f*ckin'

taken for granted like Dad?

Mm, just...

I don't wanna be a divorced person.

I don't... I'm not a div...

I'm not the kind of
person who gets divorced.

I don't...

Well, you don't have to be.

You could get back together with Rick.

Joel, he cheated.

Or not. Or not.

Well...

Maybe I cheated, too.

No, you didn't!

You did?

Well, I guess not technically,

but, I mean, I did try.

What are you talking about?

Uh-hm.

- I think I need more details.
- I'd like a few more myself.

- I wanna know.
- With Coop.

No!

Yes!

Well, she f*cked my husband,

- so I tried to f*ck hers.
- Tricia!

- Hm?
- Now who's fun?

- I was so mad. He turned me down, so...
- Wha...

- Okay, th-then it doesn't really count.
- Coop.

Okay? Coop.

Coop said no to this,
this whole situation.

He was like, "No thanks."
I'm like, "What the f*ck?

Wh-who are you again?"

Do you know what a pencil test is, Joel?

- Oh, here we go.
- Okay. Pencil test.

Do you wanna say it or
you want me to say it?

- I guess you?
- Okay, I'll say it.

- You can say it.
- Pencil test is if it stays...

You put it under here,
and if it stays...

Anyway, it's good if it falls.

- Oh! Well, it did!
- That was loud. Sorry!

So, I pass the pencil test even still.

Even at my age. Do you see it?

What do you think?

Joel, just tell her she has great tits.

Say it. You're not even looking at 'em.

You have great tits.

- Why would you make me say that?
- 'Cause I wanted to hear it.

Oh, my God.

That did not sound good
coming outta my mouth.

It was a little bit weird,
but I feel much better.

Who wants more wine?

I would like to know how
you feel about my tits, Joel.

- You know how...
- Just look at 'em.

You know how a mother can't love...

- more... her children more than the other?
- Whose do you like better?

- If you had to pick?
- You know, it's equal love.

- It's equal love.
- Do you like the pencil test pass,

- or would you rather...
- Or what about the salad...

If I don't win now, you fucker.

Is that what I think it is?

♪ I love a teenie-tini, would
you like a teenie-tini? ♪

♪ I'd like a teenie-tini, too ♪

♪ That's one teenie-tini,
and another teenie-tini ♪

Ooh!

I guess it'll be a teenier-tini.

That's okay. I'll take whatever you got.

Oh, we've earned it after
that dinner. Oh, my God.

Okay. Okay. Oh.

I guess one shouldn't mix drinks

when under the influence.

- Cheers. Thank you for this. Cheers.
- Cheers!

Mm!

Oh God. Tricia's a lot.

Mm! Oh, my God, how is your mom?

Oh, she was wonderful.

- Thank you so much for asking.
- Aww.

Was it just a real sh*t show?

It was a sh*t show. Do you
know what she's doing now?

- Hm?
- She is bumming cigarettes

- off of her fellow residents.
- Well, sure.

- She's a stroke victim. Why wouldn't she?
- Yes!

I think she would like another stroke.

Oh no. Sorry.

But you can't tell her what to do!

She just does whatever
the f*ck she wants.

I wouldn't even go visit
her if it weren't for my dad,

but, you know, f*ck.

Ugh. You know what?

- Hm?
- I think what you need is CCs

of Joel on your next visit.

I am a very charming companion!

Joel, I will not stand by
while my mother's a c**t to you.

I'm sorry, but she c**t help herself.

I like gettin' lit.

Cheers! Oh, my God.

- Here he is!
- Oh, my God!

- Jesus Christ!
- Hi, kids!

I've missed you. How are you?

- What are you doing here?
- Her pops called me.

- What, he did?
- Yeah, he did.

But you know what? He
just wanted to make sure

that you're doing okay and
everything's okay at the farm.

- Okay.
- And you know what? I gotta tell you, kids.

I was getting a little cold
and bored up there in...

thank you... in Wisconsin, you know?

- So, it was time to come home.
- Well, welcome back.

- Thank you.
- Welcome back.

Jesus, Sammy! Oh my God,

is this what it's come down to?

It's a little fluffy under there.

It's like an Ewok's on
your lap. You see that?

- You see that?
- Yeah, well, I'm a child of the ' s,

and my bush should be
a reflection of that.

Oh, how I missed you two.

- Is it that bad?
- It's kinda bad.

I'm so glad I finally get
to see the honeymoon suite.

It's solely a financial arrangement.

A little marriage of convenience.
I get a cut.

So, I don't understand.
My dad will call you,

but not his own daughters?

Well, he doesn't want you to think

he's being overbearing or micromanaging.

Okay, so he sent you?

Yeah. I'm the full package.

Can you do that? Can you
just leave a sabbatical?

It's, like, a really big deal
for you and your career, right?

Look, kids, nine months was enough,

and I can finish my research here.

Well... Thank you, Fred.

Hey, come on.

- Anything for Ed.
- Yeah.

But I guess we're f*cked
for choir practice now.

- No! No.
- I know.

- We'll figure it out.
- We'll figure it out.

And, um...

uh, your dad did tell
me that MJ had a stroke.

- Yeah.
- Sorry.

Yeah, well, it's harder on my dad.

Then he was just pushing
himself to do all this stuff

that he can't really do anymore.

- Well, you know, he is a farmer.
- Yeah.

Plus renting out the
land and then the barn,

it was just all too much.

So, I was like, "Dad, now's
the time. Y-you have to go.

- You've never done anything for yourself."
- Mm.

So, now he's on a boat with
his brother in Corpus Christi,

probably drinking a beer right now.

- He is gonna have the best time. We all know it.
- The best time.

You know he's raging
out there right now.

Oh, kids. I-I know this
is a lot, but we got this.

- We got this.
- We got this.

And...

I also brought back...

cheese curds! Look at this.

Put one in the freezer for Ed.
I know how he loves his cheese.

He loves cheese.

- One for you, buddy.
- Oh goodness! Thank you.

Well, I guess if we're partying,

then maybe you're
probably wondering, like,

- what we've been up to this whole time.
- Alright. What do you got?

Well, we like to drink our teenie-tinis,

and then we like to
open up the dance floor.

Oh, my God, this is the song!
This is the song!

- Turning it up! Okay, Sammy and Joel!
- What are you doing?

- You gotta get up on your feet.
- You want me to join?

- Yeah, get the f*ck up!
- Alright, sh*t!

- ♪ When you decide you like yourself ♪
- Holler at me!

- Oh, okay!
- ♪ When you decide - you need someone ♪

- Holler at me!
- Holler at me! Feel the spirit!

- Holler at me!
- Holler at me! Oh, my God, my pelvic floor just dropped!

- Holler at me!
- Do I have to do it like this?

Holler at me!

- Holler at me!
- Oh! sh*t, I can't breathe!

- We did it! Okay.
- I need to stop. I need to stop!

- Joel!
- Yeah?

How many active hours do you have?

Ten.

Oh, that's good.

Is... is better?

I guess it's technic...

Oh, are you f*cking kidding me?

- What?
- No.

They gave me two stars!

They say I have
non-absorptive bath towels!

f*ck them! I picked out those towels!

Your dog sh*t all over my house!

Oh, these m*therf*ckers!

Joel, we're gonna find
'em and burn 'em alive.

- I'm gonna write a letter!
- To who?

I don't know.

- Okay, you ready?
- Yeah.

- Lights out.
- Alright.

- Nighty-night.
- Nighty-night.

My beautiful, perfect rating...

- Night, Joel.
- Good night.

Sweet dweams!