01x06 - The Picnic

[bunniefuu]

# You must remember this

# A kiss is still a kiss

# A sigh is just a sigh

# The fundamental things apply

# As time goes by #

(Doorbell)

- Gosh, you're early.
- I'm keen.

Miss Pargetter?

No. Mum, there's a band for you.

(Jean) I don't laugh at jokes in the morning.

- Good Lord.
- Miss Pargetter?

- Um, yes, but...
- (Band leader) 3, 4, 1...

# What are you doing the rest of your life?

# North and south and east and west
of your life

# I have only one request of your life

# That you spend it all with me #

And I'm the me. Good morning!

Alistair, what are you doing?

- Good morning. Gentlemen.
- Will you stop that? It's 8:00 in the morning.

- Who cares?
- (Jean) I do.

Now, clear off.

- He doesn't do things by halves, does he?
- I've never been so embarrassed.

Look at me.

- Love is blind.
- I don't know what you find so funny.

(Band leader) # I have often walked... #

Shut up!

Hi, Li.

- Go away.
- Isn't it a brilliant morning?

- Ask me this afternoon.
- Listen, I'm just touching base.

- What?
- Touching base. You know...

Should we send for an interpreter?

- How are you?
- New question or are we still touching base?

That is touching base.
Seeing how you are.

I'm very well, thank you. Goodbye.

- Li...
- And will you stop calling me that?

Sorry, mate.

Seeing how you are means, well,
seeing how you are.

I've just told you, I'm very well.

- Monster.
- Monster?

That's all I needed to know.

Well, I'll just collect my musicians
from the restaurant and be on my way.

Why do you say things that I simply
have to ask questions about?

- What things?
- What things.

What are your musicians doing
in the restaurant?

- I'm buying them breakfast.
- Oh, I see.

I had them round at Jean's
at 8:00 this morning.

Musicians? What for?

Serenading her, furthering my cause.

- I imagine she was overcome.
- P for persistence. That's the main thing.

Huh.

You know...

you baffle me.

I baffle you?

Mm. I still can't figure out why
we're not in a two-horse race...

- I haven't got a horse.
...with Jean as the winning post.

She wouldn't like to be described
as a winning post.

- You know what I mean.
- Yes, for once I do.

- So why aren't you an entry?
- I go lame.

Oh, come on.

- You're still quite presentable.
- Thank you.

Strong in wind and limb,
not exactly a young stallion.

Not exactly.

So it baffles me that you don't
show an interest. If I...

- Haven't you got someone else to annoy?
- Oh, yeah, tons of people.

Unless, of course, you're waiting
for the right moment to make your move.

- I am, as a matter of fact.
- Mmm.

Yes, I'm waiting to raise that cup to my lips
without you chuntering on.

Yes... Well, see you, Li, er, mate,

er... champ.

Champ?

- Well, hi.
- Morning, Alistair.

Nice. Very nice.

Hairy. Very hairy.

- Chop-chop.
- What?

- Oh, good morning, Judith.
- Good morning. How are you?

The company's improved. Want anything?

No, thanks. Well. I'm ready when you are.

- For what?
- I'm here to help with your revisions.

- I thought Sandy was doing that.
- No, she can't, she's off sick.

- Morning, Sandy.
- Morning, boss.

Slaters' rang.

They know it's a cheek,
but could they have three temps tomorrow?

No. What did you say?

"We've never let
an old customer down yet," I said.

- You're going places.
- Thanks.

Only you find the three temps.

I already have.

Gosh, you are going places.
What are you doing here?

- Hanging on your every word.
- You should be helping Lionel.

Judith went.

- Did she?
- She insisted.

- She's the Dragon Lady's daughter...
- I thought it was Iron Drawers.

That was weeks ago.

- Insisted?
- Very nicely.

Hmm. I wondered why she left so early.

- She doesn't!
- She does.

Two failed marriages behind her,
now she gets a crush on Lionel.

If they get married, can I have her job?

If they get married,
Lionel will be my son-in-law.

- Funny old life, isn't it?
- Yes, hysterical.

- Does Lionel know?
- Oh, I doubt it. He's not very perceptive.

Very flattering for an old chap to find out.
She's very attractive, Judith.

- She's my daughter!
- Well, you don't want him.

Well, I didn't say I did.

Anyway, you've got Alistair.

If you go on,
those places I said you were going to

will be out of that door
and onto the end of a dole queue.

So, you want one word
to describe your ex-wife.

- Yes.
- What about winsome?

(Laughs) No, I'd never describe
Margaret as winsome.

Winning?

No, that would be entering
the realms of fantasy.

Ghastly.

No, let me think for a moment.

- Ah!
- Got it?

- I've got cramp.
- Oh. Where?

In my neck. Where do you think?

- Let me have a go.
- Ooh, I don't think that will be necessary.

- Now... there?
- Yeah.

- Oh-ooh!
- Easing off?

Ah, yes, a little. Hoo-oo.

Coffee and biscuits for two...

Oh... sorry.

- It's cramp.
- I see.

Well, just put the tray down, will you?

Oo-ooh.

There is a lock on the door.

Bang goes your reputation.

I don't have one. When she came in yesterday,
I was on the floor with Sandy.

- Doing what?
- Picking up papers.

That's fine.

Thank you.

Ah.

You got cramp
the first time we went out, remember?

So I did. Of course, I didn't know
you were Jean's daughter then.

- What if you had known?
- Well...

Would you still have tried to seduce me?

This isn't a conversation we should continue.

- Why?
- Well, it was very clumsy, on my part.

No, it wasn't.

Look, I know when I'm being clumsy
and please don't kneel like that.

And don't say "like what?"

- Coffee?
- Yes, please.

Alistair's clumsy.

I thought you liked him.

Yes, I like him, but he's very young.

- Looks about your age.
- Well, he's young for me, then.

Would you like a biscuit?

Yeah.

(Man) Rrrrrr!
(Sandy) Aaah!

- What's going on?
- It's a gorilla.

I'll only ask you once more.

It's a gorilla-gram.

Oh, childish! Is it your birthday?

- No. He wants you.
- Oh, it's absurd. Send it away.

- I'm only little.
- Sandy!

(Roars)

(Roars)

Can I help you?

- (Mumbles)
- What?

(Mumbles)

I don't know what you're talking about.

- (Mumbles)
- Take the head off.

Take your head off!

You're supposed to scream.

Oh. Aaah!

There, now goodbye.

- You didn't sound very frightened.
- Well, I can't be really, can I?

I knew I shouldn't have taken the head off.

We're not even supposed to speak.

- What are you supposed to do?
- Well, roar and make you scream,

then throw you over me shoulder
and run about, generally.

You won't be trying that, will you?

No? No.

No, it's all gone a bit flat now.

It hasn't gone flat, it started flat.

- Who sent you?
- I've got a message.

- I thought you weren't supposed to speak.
- A written one, it's in a little pocket.

It's not easy with these big hands.
I keep telling them.

Well, point to it.

- Would you like to sit down?
- No, thanks. It's hard getting up again.

Oh, I might have known.

- Is that it?
- Well, unless you'd like a banana.

- You won't be complaining, will you?
- Oh, no, I thought you were really good,

really convincing.

You wouldn't like a quick whizz round
on my shoulders?

- No, thank you.
- I could just run here.

I'm very careful with skirts.

- No, thank you.
- It'd make me feel better.

I'd like you to feel better, but not that badly.

- Back to base, then.
- Well, how do you do that?

On the tube. We're only in North Ken.
God, it gets hot down there.

You don't keep the head on?

Oh, yes. I don't want to be recognised.

I mean, pretending to be a gorilla.

I'm not very proud of it.
They're noble creatures.

Sandy!

That was all very quiet.

Could our friend get a taxi, on our account?

- That's very nice of you, very nice.
- Well, as you say, they're noble creatures.

- Goodbye.
- Goodbye.

Ta-da! Monster.

So how did you like it?

I don't think I've had as much pleasure
since I broke my arm 15 years ago.

Oh, now, what sort of attitude is that?

- Sanity. I'm too old for a gorilla-gram.
- (Alistair) Rubbish.

That's what I was trying to say.

Any man with any sense would love
to throw you over his shoulder,

rampage off into the jungle,
throw you down on some soft grass...

You're getting carried away.

- I know. That's the effect you have on me.
- Alistair, it's a fantasy.

- Let's go to Morocco.
- Certainly not.

- Brazil?
- You saw me this morning.

- Oh, yes.
- A mess!

- No. Beautifully rumpled from sleep.
- Oh.

Still warm.

I bet your sheets were still warm.

- Oh, Alistair, this has got to stop.
- Say yes, then.

- To what?
- Morocco.

- Oh!
- Brazil?

Middlesbrough?

- Thanks for coming.
- I'm busy. What's so urgent?

- Would you like a drink?
- No, thanks. What's so urgent?

Sandy isn't ill at all.

I know, she's been driving me mad all morning.

Why didn't you send her?

I didn't want to make Judith look foolish.
I mean, any more foolish.

You know, then?

About you being gorgeous? Oh, yes.

- She's got a screw loose.
- Yes, that's what I said.

It hasn't been easy in the Anson suite.

What's funny about that?

It's one of those deathless phrases, isn't it?
"It hasn't been easy in the Anson suite."

Well, it hasn't.

The conversation keeps getting shifted around.

Even cramp emerges as a positive virtue.

And that skirt doesn't help. I swear
it's got shorter as the morning's gone on.

- You're embarrassed?
- Look at it this way.

It isn't every day I'm faced with
acres of leg, a very attractive body

and a face actually giving me the come-on.

No, I suppose not.

I know not.

She's not upstairs, is she,
slipping into something uncomfortable?

You don't think I'd be sitting down here
if she was, do you?

The way you're talking, no, I don't.

I didn't mean that. I sent her for something
I don't need so that I could talk to you.

- Hmph. I don't see what I can do about it.
- Well, you're her mother.

- Then I'm the last person she'd listen to.
- Oh.

What if I weren't her mother?

I'd be praying that I'd live up
to her expectations.

Well, you did ask!

- You're flattered!
- All right.

You're flattered by Alistair's juvenile attentions.

- Don't be absurd.
- Oh, I see.

This is a conversation where I'm to be honest

- and you're allowed to lie.
- Oh, OK, I am flattered.

- So, we're both flattered.
- Yes.

Perhaps we should retire
to a home for the flattered.

- Home for the aged flattered.
- (Jean laughs)

Alistair sent me a gorilla-gram
this morning.

And I accused him of being juvenile.

The gorilla's heart wasn't in it, otherwise...

- Up and down the high street.
- Yes.

I heard about the band.

Oh, they weren't bad. Just early.
But a gorilla-gram!

- You said you were flattered.
- Well, I am by the attention,

not by the way Alistair expresses it.

Then he asked me to go to Morocco.

Well, if you want to make a fool of yourself,
just do it.

Look, I don't know if you've noticed,
but it isn't 1953 any more.

If an older woman wants
a young boyfriend, she can these days.

- You call them toy boys, don't you?
- Oh, don't look so smug.

It's the same as an old man
having a young girlfriend.

How come you're an older woman
but I'm an old man?

- All right, older. Older. Still no difference.
- Well, of course there is.

- What?
- Well... It's more traditional.

Look, we're not talking about
Trooping the Colour.

- Acceptable, then.
- To whom? Men?

You never used to talk like this.

Well, I was young then. If I wanted a young
boyfriend then, he'd have been in short trousers.

I'd have had to take him to the zoo
and buy him sweets.

So, you do like the idea
of a younger boyfriend then?

No. Well, I don't know, do you know?

Oh, I don't know about you these days.

Not me, you.

Oh. I want Sandy back.

I don't see how that would help. Not in
your present Monarch Of The Glen mood.

- She's a very sexy girl.
- I'm sure she is.

But she sees what she sees,
not what she wants to see.

I suppose Alistair sees
what he wants to see.

- Aah!
- You all right?

Oh, it's my back.

Rather funny, really.
You get backache, I get cramp.

And here we are, a couple of sex symbols.

- Have we had a reply?
- No.

It's no good them sending us faxes
if the faxes are unintelligible.

- Guess who?
- Oh, who let him in?

I did.

- You're supposed to protect me.
- I'm not a bodyguard.

- Anyway, he's very persuasive.
- Oh, he's a pain.

- Oh, he's got a lovely smile.
- I'm going home.

- Tired?
- Better locks on the doors.

Better be quick.

- Aha!
- Aha, I'm busy.

You think I'm not?
I have a publishing company to run.

The difference is I don't care.

No, the difference is you're
wealthy enough not to have to.

I've got a great idea.

If it involves balloons, musicians or gorillas,
I don't want to know.

- What about a picnic on Sunday?
- Where? Mount Fujiyama?

- If you like.
- I haven't got time.

Actually, I was thinking more of Richmond,
by the river.

- Please.
- All right.

- You've cracked!
- No.

- There's a condition.
- Anything.

If I say yes, will you stop
pestering me for a week?

- If it's what you want.
- I've just said so.

- After the picnic, I mean.
- Huh. You're very confident.

Yes, I am.

I can remember
when I was about, ooh, six months old...

And I remember looking up into my mirror
with the red and yellow beads

and I remember saying to myself,

"Face it. Alistair Deacon...

"you have a lot to be confident about."

I love it when you laugh.

Don't get used to it.
There's another condition.

- Unfair!
- I know.

It's, er, not a physical one, is it?

- No.
- That's a relief. Go on.

A picnic? It's all wet grass and wasps.

All right, dry grass and wasps.

Yes, but why?

Will you stop doing that?

- No, it's Judith. She's distracting me.
- (Jean) Tell her to act her age.

- Your mother says act your age.
- (Laughs) That's rich.

She said, "That's rich." Yes, I know, I know.

Go on.

Are you sure?

All right. I'll ask.

Was that Mum checking up?

- No.
- Who's going on a picnic?

- Um... your mother and Alistair.
- Oh, well, well.

Look, um, would you...

- Would you like to go on a picnic?
- Who with?

- Um... me.
- Yes.

- You can think about it.
- No, I don't need to. Where shall we go?

Er...

Well, the same place as them, I suppose.

You mean it's the four of us?

Well, um, more or less, yes.

Oh.

Well, think of it as, uh, two couples.

Got ya.

Will you stop doing that?

It's like a bad plot for a restoration comedy.

No, it isn't. Look, we all get together,
Judy and Alistair look at each other,

the scales drop from their eyes,
they walk off hand in hand and we get peace.

What about the toy boy idea?

That only works as a theory,
when Alistair isn't actually there.

Silly theory.

- Of course, when he is there, phwoo-hoo.
- What?

Nothing.

- Why say it, then?
- Well, he is very personable.

- Not an adjective I'd use.
- You're not a woman.

So what you're saying is,
when he's around, you go all gooey.

- That's not an adjective I'd use.
- Silly?

Look, you positively preen when Judy
just wrinkles her nose at you.

I've never preened in my life.

But I'll just say this. This plan of yours
might come unstuck.

And I'm not being immodest
but Judith is fairly struck.

So is Alistair. Very, very, very struck.

- We're doing it again, aren't we?
- Yes, we are.

Trying to snatch a drink
at the fountain of youth.

- I got cramp again the other day.
- Reaching for the fountain?

- Reaching for a pencil.
- Oh.

- How's the backache?
- Oh, it's gone. It hasn't come back.

- Good to hear.
- Thank you.

- Well, this picnic, it's worth a go, I suppose.
- Of course it is.

What else would you be doing
on a Sunday afternoon?

I don't know. Trying to stay awake
while Rugby Special is on BBC2, I suppose.

- What about you?
- Nodding off while Rugby Special's on.

- Makes you sleepy even thinking about it.
- Yes, it does.

Is it warm enough for a bikini?

- Oh, no.
- (Lionel) Why not?

Well, it's a lovely day.

Advertise your product or brand here
contact www.OpenSubtitles.org today

Are you all right, Li?

I'm fine.

- Want to rest for a bit?
- I'm fine, I'm fine.

Poor old Lionel.

There's more to a man
than carrying a picnic hamper. There!

- (Judith) There's a good spot!
- Brilliant. Set her down, Li.

Are you sure you're all right?
You've gone a funny colour.

It's sheer exhilaration.

Are you all right?

I'm just having a sit-down.

Look out. Mud.

- Oh, where? Where?
- Nowhere.

- Oh, no, Alistair! Alistair! Put me down.
- In a minute, in a minute.

- Oh, please, Alistair, I feel silly.
- Oh, you look absolutely wonderful.

- Couldn't make it, huh?
- Feeling better?

I'm fine, I'm game for anything.

(Jean) Missed, Lionel.
(Lionel) My back!

Yours, Li!

- I wasn't ready.
- Stay there, I'll get it.

- Mum!
- Oh!

Stay there. I'll get it.

They're getting on well.

I wouldn't call that a burgeoning romance.

- You're only miffed because you didn't catch it.
- Your display wasn't athletic.

- I caught more than you.
- Only cos Alistair threw you soft ones.

Pfff.

Oh, look, they're talking.

He's probably proposing.

God, I'm hot.

(Alistair) Good idea.

Let's eat.

Et... voilà.

- Why don't we go for a stroll?
- Can we let the lunch go down first?

Shall we go for a stroll?

Well, perhaps it's the wine,
but this grass has got comfortable.

Why don't you two go for a stroll?

No, I'm all right.

I've got some badminton gear in the car,
we could set that up.

What a good idea.

- How's your badminton?
- Rusty-ish. Yours?

- Nonexistent.
- Did we ever go on a picnic?

Yes. You bought a bottle of cider,
I made some meat-paste sandwiches

and we bought a couple of rock cakes
in a shop.

Sophisticates. We didn't tear about
like those two.

We couldn't. The field was full of cowpats.

- (Alistair) I wanted to ask you something.
- What?

Well, it's about your mother.
You don't mind, do you?

- No. I think she's quite nice, really.
- You know what I mean.

- Why should I mind?
- Well, I'm a good deal younger than she is.

I wouldn't like you to think
I was just seeking a new experience.

I don't believe age matters.
I think Lionel's gorgeous.

Good. Do you think we could contrive
to... split this afternoon?

My thoughts exactly.

- Let's do it.
- Let's do it.

Oh.

(Alistair) Oh.

(Judith) He looks older.

Jean doesn't.

- Shall we go for a stroll?
- Might as well.

Ooh.

(Lionel) Urgh!

Oh, bloody stuff.

Oh, come here. Ooh!

Thanks.

I didn't mean to fall asleep.

Neither did I. They've gone.

My plan must have worked.

Watching people sleep has its natural time span
as a spectator sport.

- Badminton?
- Oh, no, thanks.

I wonder what they're doing.

Probably discussing whether to inject us
with monkey glands.

(Laughs) Probably.

Which ever you look at it, we played games
with the children and flaked out.

We shouldn't be playing games of any sort.

- You're right.
- We're just a couple of wrinklies.

I prefer to call them laughter lines.

So do I, but when you have them
all over your body, it's hard to justify.

You can say you laughed all over.

If you repeat this, I shall say I was drunk.
But I'm glad you're back in my life again.

You are back in my life again, aren't you?

I seem to be. Yes.

Nice to have a friend.

Yes. It's nice to have a friend.

- What are you doing?
- I'm giving you a friendly kiss.

Oh.

- Oh, damn and blast.
- What now?

I need a pee.

Go on, then.

# You must remember this

# A kiss is still a kiss

# A sigh is just a sigh

# The fundamental things apply

# As time goes by

# And when two lovers woo

# They still say I love you

# On that you can rely

# The world will always welcome lovers

# As time goes by #