02x02 - A Weekend Away

[bunniefuu]

♪ You must remember this

♪ A kiss is still a kiss

♪ A sigh is just a sigh

♪ The fundamental things apply

♪ As time goes by ♪

- I'll do this.
- I'll do this.

- I said I'll do it.
- I said I'll do it.

Look, the way I see it is this.

You keep arguing while the meter's running
and I'll end up taking both the fivers.

Er, not that I'm claiming to be a philanthropist
but I would like one.

Thanks very much.

OK... you win.

Not really. The fare was only L3.

- I was trying to be fair. You paid for dinner.
- (Lionel) Which was revolting.

Which wasn't wonderful
but you can't go on paying for everything.

- Call me old fashioned.
- You are.

- Thank you.
- Look, I run a secretarial agency.

I've got money.
I don't expect to be treated all the time.

- You never used to mind.
- That was 38 years ago.

- Girls didn't pay then.
- But you want to now.

I'm not a girl and you're not a dashing
young second lieutenant. Like a drink?

Er, no, thank you.
I don't think I ever claimed to be dashing.

- No, but I thought you were.
- I just used to show off a lot.

Huh. When your book's a big success,
you can wine and dine me as much as you like.

- I thought we were talking about real life.
- We are.

I suppose we'd have got married.

I had hoped you'd make
an honest woman out of me.

I intended to.
We would've bought a house and had children.

Well, look at it another way.
We might have got divorced.

- On what grounds?
- I don't know.

- Well, I think we'd have stayed married.
- Yes, I do.

Well, I'd better go.

- You don't have to.
- What do you mean?

I mean you could have a coffee or a drink...
What do you think I meant?

- Oops, sorry.
- Do stop saying that every time you come in.

I don't. I only say it when Lionel's here.
Hello, Lionel.

- Hello, Judith. I'm just off.
- Oh, now that makes me feel awful.

- You'll only miss me for a few minutes.
- No, I mean making you go.

No, it's the old man with a scythe
who's making me go.

- I've got to be up early in the morning.
- Jogging?

I almost wish I were. No, I'm having
a working breakfast with Alistair.

- About the book?
- We're not planning to make a coffee table.

Oh, now you've gone all narky.

I'm sorry. It's the thought of Alistair first thing
in the morning. He'll laugh a lot, I know he will.

- Anyway, I'd best be off. Good night, Judith.
- Good night.

- Good night, Lionel.
- Good night.

(Front door closes, Jean sighs)

Well, at least we've got
to kissing on the cheek.

- You keeping a graph?
- Wouldn't be much movement on it if I were.

- Doesn't he ever ask you back to his place?
- No.

- Why not?
- Dunno. Perhaps he lives in a squat.

We're just friends. We don't ask each other
back to each other's places.

- Why does he come back here, then?
- Well, he sees me home.

Look pretty silly if I saw him home,
wouldn't it? Good night.

Yes, I suppose so.

Anyway, you'll have the place to yourself
this weekend.

Not an "oops, I'm sorry" to be heard.

- Why? Where will you be?
- I'm going away for the weekend.

- Where?
- Just... away.

With anyone?

Good night, Mum.

Double egg, sausage and chips twice
with a slice.

Here we are, sir.

It's something, this place, isn't it, eh?

Yes, it is.

- You sure you don't want the fry-up?
- Incredibly sure.

I mean, just... just feel it.

I can see it's bacon, Alistair,
I don't need to feel it.

I'm talking people, Li. Vibes!

Oh, vibes.

- You're in one of your difficult moods.
- No, I'm not, actually.

I'm just curious as to your definition
of a working breakfast.

All it's entailed is watching you eat enough
grease to lubricate the engines on the QE2.

- Now, Li!
- And, which is marginally worse,

listen to you burbling on about people.

People buy books.

- People will buy your book.
- Huh!

Which brings me to the working part
of the breakfast.

- We publish in three weeks' time.
- As soon as that?

As soon as that. And what I'm gonna need
from you, Li, is commitment with a capital K.

There'll be the launch, hype...

- Chutzpah?
- Chutzpah! Yes, very good!

- PA's, personal appearances.
- Where?

Who knows? Depends how hard
the team pushes. Oh, and, er, signings.

We target bookshops.
You sit, they queue, you sign.

Queues? For my book?

Well, at first they come from us.
We load them. You see?

And rely on the good old British instinct that,
if there's a queue, you join it.

Now, wait, I've got a dummy.

You're not going to do a ventriloquist's act
to entertain the queues, are you?

Nice one, Li. No, this is a dummy.

Now, take a deep breath and cop the cover!

I knew it would be worse than I thought.

Li, it's terrif. It has impact.

I think it's vaguely p*rn.

Would I lie, Li?

Watch.

- Do I make a point?
- You've also missed one.

People don't buy books to stare at the cover,
they read what's inside.

If they pick the book up, that's half the battle.
Here, you can keep this.

- In a plain brown wrapper, presumably.
- Come on, Li, prepare to take on the world.

Hm, I must go.

Now, any qualms, any probs, just bell me.

Oh, but, er, not this weekend.

- I shall be in Paris.
- It's a hard life.

- Well, as they, all work and no play...
- Bores Jack to death?

Mega! See ya, mate. Cheers, lads.

- You can laugh if you like.
- I'm not laughing.

- You want to, though.
- No, I don't want to.

- You just did.
- Oh, that was only a little one.

- You think it's ridiculous.
- I don't think it's ridiculous.

- Or grotesque.
- I can find my own adjective, thank you.

- Go on, then.
- Well... it...

- May I have it back, please?
- It's just cos I know you.

You're not the kind of man who stands round
with girls hanging onto his legs.

- Leg.
- Leg. Leg, then.

- Or are you?
- Oh, you know very well I'm not.

God, every bookshop in London
will be ringing with laughter.

- You don't know that.
- You laughed.

You're becoming very self-obsessed.

I'm sorry, I'm all I've had to be obsessed with
for some time.

- Lunch up.
- Oh, thanks, Sandy.

- What do you think of that?
- She's gonna laugh.

- Just let her make up her own mind.
- Well?

- Great legs.
- Thanks.

Hers!

- You look very butch.
- Butch?

Yes.

- I like the sweaty chest.
- Yes, it was his woman got him in that state!

You know very well it wasn't. You were there.

- That was sprayed on. Whush!
- (Laughter)

Well, I think it's all right. It's...

- Well... it's eye-catching.
- Good God.

Do you mean Alistair's right?
Does it actually say "pick me up and buy me"?

That may be a shade too optimistic, but it does
say "pick me up and have a flick through".

Well, that's a start.

- May I go to lunch now?
- Yes, of course.

I shall never look at you
in quite the same light again.

- Ohhh!
- You won't start walking around in that hat?

When I said lunch,
I meant I'd take you out to a pub.

- No, this is fine. I often work through lunch.
- It's a bit high pressure, isn't it?

- You're the one having business breakfasts.
- Alistair eats like a horse.

Only faster. He's young enough to, I suppose.

- Perhaps you'd let me cut your crusts off.
- (Chuckles)

Our first breakfast together was a boiled egg.

Oh, so it was.

- Funny finding that hotel again.
- Mm.

- You'd lost your nerve this time.
- I did?

- You made your excuses before I made mine.
- Ah, yes, perhaps I did.

- We used to dream of a weekend in Paris.
- Yes, we did.

A little room high up with a window
overlooking the rues of Montmartre.

- A kindly concierge who'd smile on young love.
- And accordions, always accordions.

We saw too many French films.

Pity we never went there.

Not having enough money
to cross the Channel was one drawback.

- Oh, Alistair's going to Paris this weekend.
- Business?

Not from the sly grin on his face, no.

- Oh.
- What?

- Judith's going away this weekend.
- What, to Paris?

- She wouldn't say.
- I see.

Well... what if they are?

Oh, quite. What if they are?
A bit dodgy, isn't it?

- You've changed your tune.
- You know what I mean.

Judith's not a child.

- Well, I know that.
- She's a lot older than you were.

- I know that, too.
- Well, look on the bright side.

They won't stay in a garret
run by some mean-faced old concierge

with a bloody accordion
playing under the window all night.

- That wasn't the dream!
- It would've been the reality.

Yes, maybe.

- So what do you think?
- About Paris?

- No, about Judy and Alistair.
- Huh.

Well, not a lot, really.

This is all supposition.
You don't know they're going to Paris together.

- He could be taking some other...
- Other what?

- Girl.
- You were going to say "bit of stuff".

I wasn't. Anyway, I don't think
they call them that these days.

Them? Them?!

Girls.

- Did you call me your bit of stuff?
- Of course not.

- What did you call me?
- My bit of crackling.

What?

Only in a very endearing way.

- You used to call me Pooh.
- I know I did.

But you can hardly refer to a girl
as "my bit of Pooh", can you?

No, I suppose not.
You've gone right off the subject.

- You started it.
- Yes, I suppose I did. What about Judy?

- You could be worrying about nothing at all.
- And if I'm not?

Well, either way, my best advice
is to mind your own business.

- Yes, of course. You're right.
- Good.

- Only I shan't.
- Of course not.

(Documentary on television)

- (Door slams)
- Hi, Mum!

- Oh, hello, love.
- (TV off)

Hi. No Lionel?

Ah... Lionel?

- Lionel?
- Sorry.

Where have you been? Oh, sorry.

So... what do you want to talk to me about?

Why should I want to talk to you
about anything?

Television going off as I come in.
It's a dead giveaway.

Oh, I must remember that.

- This weekend, Judy.
- What about it?

Is it wise?

- Is it what?
- Wise.

- What a peculiar question.
- Well, I'm a peculiar person.

No, you're not.
Well, you are early in the mornings, but...

About Alistair. He's good-looking, very wealthy,
charming in a sledgehammer sort of way, but...

- You haven't succumbed, have you?
- No, I'm talking about you and Alistair.

Why?

- Aren't you spending the weekend with him?
- Well, what makes you think that?

Cos he told Lionel
he was going to Paris for the weekend.

Ah, you've had your spies out, haven't you?

You can't really see Lionel as a spy, can you?

Why don't you just have me bugged?
Be done with it.

- You're just being silly.
- And you're being nosy.

It's not good acting like a mother hen, Mum.
I'm not a chick any more, I'm not even a pullet.

All right.
You're not going to tell me any more, are you?

- No, but look on the bright side.
- What's that?

No one in the way if the old rooster wants
to chase the mother hen round the farmyard.

- Could you get these into the post for me?
- Yes, of course.

Judith's popped home to pack.
Off for the weekend.

- Yes, I know.
- You got anything planned?

No.

- Why?
- Well, it's just that with Judith away,

you and Lionel will have the house
to yourselves.

Oh, not you, too?

- Why not?
- Well, because...

Well... Well, because I don't want it discussed.
Look, I'm out to lunch.

- I think you are!
- Officially.

- To everyone or just Lionel?
- Use your initiative.

- What if it fails?
- You're in trouble.

(Phone)

Good afternoon. Type For You Agency.
Yes, hello, Mrs Hopyard.

Yes, we'll have Clare Edwards with you
at 10:30 Monday morning. Absolutely.

Thanks. Bye-bye.

Ohh!

Oh, cut that out.

- Is Jean in?
- Er, no. She's at a business lunch.

- Getting on a bit, isn't it?
- They do sometimes.

- Can I help?
- No, I...

Well... Yeah, perhaps you can.
I want to buy a suit.

- We don't sell suits.
- Forget I mentioned it.

No, I'm sorry. I'm always facetious on Fridays.
I don't see the problem.

Well, it's the child Alistair.
According to him, I'm going to be on show.

- What are authors supposed to look like?
- Author-ish?

- You're not being very helpful.
- Well, I don't know. What does Alistair say?

Oh, I haven't asked him.
He'd probably suggest something in gold Lurex.

Why not wear what you wore on the cover?
I thought you looked quite fetching.

Oh, ha ha ha!

- What are you doing?
- Waiting for Jean.

She could be ages.

If it's between been sitting here
and going to buy a suit, I'll sit here.

- Would you care to explain that?
- Not really, no.

- What are you doing?
- I forgot something.

- What?
- What?

- What did you forget?
- I can't remember.

- Have you been drinking?
- A glass of wi...

- No, shopping, that's what I forgot.
- I see.

- I'll come with you if you like.
- No.

- Why not?
- You don't like shopping.

- I just offered.
- Men don't like...

- Why do you want to coming shopping?
- I need a suit.

Buy what you want to buy,
then help me choose a suit.

- Perhaps we could find a cup of tea.
- I can't have tea!

- I've a lot of work to do.
- You said you were going shopping.

That's before I remembered
I had a lot of work to do.

(Jean) I'm not behaving strangely.

- You're certainly not behaving very normally.
- Hello, Sandy, any calls? (Mouths)

- What?
- I said, any calls? (Mouths)

- Oh, yes, thousands.
- Yes.

Told you so.

- I was here and the phone didn't ring once.
- This morning.

- All the calls were this morning.
- Yes, before I went out to lunch.

- Well, why ask about them, then?
- Well, because I...

Look, stop behaving like the CBI... the FBI.
I don't have to explain my actions to you.

Look, I'm just very busy.
I'm very, very, very busy.

I apologise for taking up so much
of your totally disorganised time.

Don't be angry, it's only work.

- Oh, all right. What about this evening?
- Oh, no, I can't this evening.

I'm working. At home. With Sandy.
And tomorrow. All weekend, in fact.

You get these times in business. Sorry, Lionel.
See you next week. I hope you find a nice suit.

- Did you know about working this weekend?
- Oh, yes, yes, yes, I did.

- Do you speak Dutch?
- No.

Nor do I.

Oh... I feel utterly stupid.

You were stupid
and, what's worse, you were transparent.

My eight-year-old nephew
wouldn't have swallowed that.

- I panicked.
- You don't do that.

Oh, I do now. Was Lionel...

- Heard the expression "face like thunder"?
- Oh, dear!

Are you giving him the old heave-ho?

No, I just don't want to see him this weekend,
that's all.

- You're taking this weekend far too seriously.
- I've just passed Lionel.

- Oh, how was he?
- Terse. What's being taken too seriously?

She's done an unconvincing number about
not being able to see him this weekend.

- Oh, Mum!
- Don't "Oh, Mum" me. It's your roosters.

- Cold feet.
- Who'd have thought?

- This is not a teenager we're talking about.
- Look, that's it.

I don't want my age or my feet discussed,
I don't want me discussed. Full stop.

- Now, let's get on with some work.
- No, I just called in to sign these.

- I'm off now.
- Well, cheerio. Have a nice time.

Yes, I shall. I should buy yourself a crochet
hook on the way home if I were you.

You know, keep yourself occupied
over the weekend. Bye, Sandy.

Bye.

- She's right. It isn't even as if Lionel's...
- Work.

(Doorbell)

- Different race.
- (Doorbell)

- (Doorbell)
- Oh, wait!

Ah. You're looking tired, Li.

Thank you.

- What do you want, Alistair?
- I've got a package for you.

- (Turns TV off)
- You working for the Post Office now?

Dry, Li, dry. No, this is something
I've put together for the book launch.

It fills you in on where to be, what to say,
how to say it, how to dress, when to push.

Think of it as a sort of bible.

- It's that good?
- If it's not in there, it's not worth knowing.

- It'll help, really it will.
- Thank you.

- Cup of tea or anything?
- No, sorry, got to run. Got a face to meet.

- I thought you were going to Paris.
- Paris's loss. Bit of business came up.

Ah. What happened to "all work and no play"?

Quarter of a million pounds' worth of business.

Was Judith disappointed?

Why should she be?

She's away for the weekend
and Jean assumed...

Ah.

Assumption doth make cowards of us all.

That's misquoted and doesn't make sense.

- Doesn't it?
- No.

Hm, I won't use it again.

No, the fair Judith was never on the agenda.
Mind you, futuristically speaking...

- I didn't really think she'd be that silly.
- Oh, do I hear a future stepfather speaking?

- You most certainly do not.
- OK, OK.

Nevertheless, I'll... er... I'll leave you to it.

Shower, touch of mousse,

splash of "God, you smell sexy!",

into something smooth and, "Hello, Jean."

I only eat mousse, I haven't got anything
smooth and I'm not seeing her tonight.

What, with Judith away? Lionel!

- You've got a one-track mind.
- I'm just trying to be a mate... mate.

- When did you last see Jean?
- Yesterday.

And are you really telling me she wasn't
giving out vibes of a very special kind?

All she was giving out was behaviour
which bordered on the hysterical.

Well, big match nerves.

Goodbye, Alistair.

I just want the universe to be happy, that's all.
Bye, Li.

- Oh.
- Busy?

Yes, I'm cleaning the oven.

Is Sandy helping
or have you got her doing the sink?

- There are one or two things I'd like to say.
- Go on, then.

Shut the door.
I can shout them through the letterbox.

- No need to be sarcastic.
- You mean I can come in?

- Yes!
- Thank you.

- I wasn't expecting to see you today.
- Obviously not.

- I look a dreadful mess.
- That's what I meant.

- That's not a very gallant thing to say.
- I don't feel very gallant. I feel a bit angry.

- Why? Will you excuse me for a minute?
- I've got all evening.

Well, help yourself to a drink.

- Better not.
- Why better not?

- I get very amorous when I'm drunk.
- Well, I didn't expect you'd get drunk.

No knowing what I might do,
with you all alone in the house.

Oh, all right, all right.

If it makes you feel any better,
I feel a complete and utter fool.

So you should. For a while yesterday,
I seriously considered the possibility

that you were trying to shunt me off
into the sidings.

- No.
- I also considered the possibility

that you had become temporarily deranged.

- Would you like to go home now?
- Not till I've finished, no.

All that hoo-hah about being busy
at the weekend.

You didn't want me in the house
with Judith away.

- Well, all right, I didn't.
- In other words, you don't trust me.

It was all so set up.

Judith kept smirking
and talking about roosters and farmyards.

Alistair's just referred to it as "the big match".

- What, this afternoon?
- Yes. He didn't go to Paris after all.

Oh, and Judith was never
on the menu... agenda.

Then why did she let me believe she was?

I'm having enough trouble trying
to understand you

- without trying to understand your daughter.
- Then where is she?

I don't know.

But she's a grown woman,
she's had two husbands, she's not Eskimo Nell.

- Who?
- I don't mean Eskimo Nell, I mean Little Nell.

She's not a child. If she wants to go off...

- Oh, Lord, that makes it worse!
- What does?

- Oh, "oops, I'm sorry".
- What?

Well, she got embarrassed
about finding us together.

She is, as they say, giving us space.

What, for the big match?

- Oh, let's have that drink.
- Yeah, good idea.

I see what you mean by a set-up.

I didn't realise it was that much of a one.

Like pushing a child into the middle of the room
and expecting it to do its party piece.

- Well, I wouldn't put it quite like that.
- No, perhaps not.

- Are you still angry?
- Well, I suppose I am, really.

I mean, being taken for
some sort of middle-aged predator.

- You trusted me when we were young.
- I didn't.

- What?
- Well, not completely.

But then I didn't want to.
You must've known that.

I admit to having an inkling.

I wasn't that obvious, was I?

The way we felt,
I suspect we were both obvious.

Oh, don't say "if only".

No.

- Well...
- What? Well what?

- I'd better go.
- Had you?

- Had I?
- No.

Oh, you sat down very quickly!

You've been known to change your mind.

- Like to go out and eat?
- Oh, no, let's stay in. I'll cook something.

You won't have to finish cleaning off the oven,
will you?

I'll do something on toast.

- About the empty house situation...
- Don't let's talk about it.

It's just there. We don't have to think of it
as a situation with neon lights round it.

Quite right.

- But given the situation...
- Yes, well...

I wasn't being completely honest about that.

It wasn't just a question of not trusting you,
but of not trusting myself.

- I see.
- Don't read too much into that.

No, I won't.

- Sardines?
- Pardon?

On toast.

Fine. I'll give you a hand.

- (Outside door closes)
- (Judith) Hello?

(Jean sighs)

- Oh, wouldn't you know it?
- Oh, where have you been?

Pangbourne. Not Paris, not with Alistair.

Pangbourne. Just me.

Oh, why?

Well, I wanted to get out of your hair for a bit.

- Why Pangbourne?
- I always liked the sound of Pangbourne.

- What's it like?
- Hm, wrong people.

The hotel was full of a sales conference.

All men, all noisy and all wishful thinkers.

Then I thought, "Well, what am I doing here?
Mum's got cold feet, anyway."

So... I came home.

- What happened to the cold feet?
- We decided to be adult.

Look, my bag's packed, I can go...

Then our embarrassment factor
will go straight through the roof.

- Just leave us to make up our own plans.
- And what will they be?

Well, put it this way, we've already got
as far as making sardines on toast.

♪ You must remember this

♪ A kiss is still a kiss

♪ A sigh is just a sigh

♪ The fundamental things apply

♪ As time goes by

♪ And when two lovers woo

♪ They still say I love you

♪ On that you can rely

♪ The world will always welcome lovers

♪ As time goes by ♪