02x06 - The Cruise

[bunniefuu]

♪ You must remember this

♪ A kiss is still a kiss

♪ A sigh is just a sigh

♪ The fundamental things apply

♪ As time goes by ♪

- Morning, Mum.
- Oh, I thought you'd have gone.

- Nice weekend?
- Yes.

- Yes, it was, actually.
- And how was Aunt...

- Any coffee in the pot?
- Yeah, I'll get you one.

No, no, I'll get it.

- How was Aunt Penny?
- Much as usual.

Bit on the depressing side.
She asked after you.

I'll bet she said, "How's poor Judith?"

Poor little Judith, actually.

- Did Uncle Stephen get a word in edgeways?
- Hmm! Just the one!

- What about Lionel?
- What about Lionel?

What do you say "What about Lionel?"
Like that for?

Like what? All I said was "What about Lionel?"

- No, you said, "What ABOUT Lionel?"
- Shouldn't you be at the office?

I've got a meeting at ten.
Not much point in going in the office first.

When I started that agency,
I used to be at my desk at eight in the morning.

I assume, on those dark winter mornings,
you used to work by gaslight.

Oh, candlelight, actually.

One candle only, of course.

So what about Lionel?

- Oh, not again. What about Lionel?
- Did he have a nice weekend is all I'm asking.

- Oh.
- Bet he didn't.

Well, he did, actually.

Oh.

I was expecting you back last night.

Yes, well, we were having such a nice time,
we decided to stay over Sunday.

I see.

So we did.

Funny sort of place to have a nice time, isn't it?

Aunt Penny's. It's a very funny place.

- Where's your meeting?
- Fitzroy Square.

- Shouldn't you be on your way?
- Yes, I suppose I should.

- Glad you had a nice time.
- Oh, well, I'm glad...

...you're glad I had a nice time.

I'll see you later.

- Morning, boss.
- Morning, Sandy.

Post. Mostly routine,
mostly downright dull, actually.

- Any cheques?
- Some.

- Oh, then it's not all that dull.
- Nice weekend?

Yes, thank you.

I'm glad.

- Good.
- No, I mean, I'm really glad. I like Lionel.

- You've been talking to Judith, haven't you?
- Yes.

I phoned her and she said you and Lionel
had gone away for the weekend.

- Oh, I see.
- Well? That's all I meant.

We did not go away for the weekend.

- You mean Judith made it up?
- No, of course not.

- You're not making a lot of sense.
- I'm making perfect sense.

We were invited by my sister-in-law and
her husband to spend a few days with them.

We did not go away for the weekend.

- What's the difference?
- Don't play the innocent with me, Sandy.

- Why are you so touchy on the subject?
- Because my private life is my business!

OK, fair enough.

- I'm glad.
- Now what are you glad about?

Well, that after all these years,
you've got a private life.

- Sandy!
- Oh, there's someone at the door.

- Morning.
- Well, good morning.

- Is Jean free?
- Oh, for you?

It's your PL.

- Oh, hello, Lionel.
- Hello.

I'll close the door, shall I?

- (Softly) Hello, Lionel.
- Hello.

- What's a PL?
- I don't know. Oh, yes, I do. Private life.

- Oh. That's rather impertinent, isn't it?
- Impertinent?

- Well, nosy, then.
- Yes, I'll accept nosy.

Judy's just as bad.
"Nice weekend? How's Lionel?"

- What did you say?
- I said you were fine.

- You know what I mean.
- Nothing. I said nothing.

- I suppose we should be flattered.
- Why?

Being the objects of youthful curiosity
at our time of life.

I'm not flattered, I'm fed up with it.

And I don't like
the "our time of life" much either.

We could follow Alistair's advice.

If pressed on personal matters, one just smiles
mischievously and says, "Hey, hey!"

- I don't think that's us, do you?
- Not really, no.

- (Knock)
- Yes?

Don't snarl.

It's Atwell's on the phone.
Mr Atwell, to be exact.

- Tell him I'll ring him back.
- OK.

- When?
- Oh, soon.

I'm sorry, Lionel,
I'm rather rushed this morning.

- I just popped in for Penny's phone number.
- Oh, why?

- I think I've left my watch there.
- Oh. Oh, well, I'll phone her now.

- If you're too busy...
- Oh, don't push it.

Strange, I still can't get used to seeing you
as an executive woman.

Look silly if I was a junior nurse, wouldn't it?

- Are you free for lunch?
- Yeah, fine.

- Ah. Penny?
- Hello.

It's Jean.

- Yes, I'm fine, thank you.
- And Lionel?

Yes, he's fine, too. Yes, it was a lovely
weekend. Thank you very much.

Oh, a kleptomaniac, I think.

Look, Penny,
Lionel thinks he left his watch at the cottage.

Would you? Oh, yes, all right.

Yes, that's fine. OK, bye.

- She's going to ring back.
- Who's a kleptomaniac?

You're treating one. As far as Penny's
concerned, you're a psychiatrist, remember?

Mm, so I am.
I still don't know why you said that.

- You didn't want to talk about the book.
- I know, but why say I was a psychiatrist?

When I've got some time,
I'll see a psychiatrist and ask.

- I'll be off.
- All right, see you for lunch.

Yeah, fine. Oh, um, I'd like to have a chat
about something, actually.

- Oh, what about?
- Um...

Us taking a holiday together.

Ooh.

(Lionel) See you, Sandy.
(Sandy) Bye.

(Alistair) You're not into spritzers, are you, Li?
(Lionel) I'm not into diluted wine.

Tell you something else I'm not into. This suit.

- Why not? You look the biz.
- I look like mutton dressed as lamb.

- See the look that waitress gave you?
- She couldn't believe her eyes.

It was admiration, mate.

Then she either has poor eyesight
or a screw loose.

- You don't think this'll help sell a book?
- You'd be surprised what can help sell a book.

- I wouldn't, actually. Not since knowing you.
- I'll take that as a compliment.

I thought you would.

Do you know what that suit says?

- Yes. "Take me off."
- Wrong.

It says, "Hold up, coffee planters
can be cool dudes."

Is this to do with the "hey, hey" business?

Right!

Speaking of which... um... How shall I put this?

- Carefully, I hope.
- Right.

On second thoughts, hold it for tonight.

What am I doing tonight?
Giving a pop concert?

Dinner. You, me, Jean, Judy.

A little huddle before we go over the top
with the book.

You've been going over the top with the book
since you decided to publish it.

We're using "over the top" in a different sense.

- Yes, we are.
- You and Jean still are on for tonight?

Yes, I'd forgotten, I'm sorry.
You're seeing quite a lot of Judith, aren't you?

We... er... hang out.

Speak English. What exactly does that mean?

- Hey, hey!
- (Chuckles)

- She was looking at you again.
- Couldn't believe what she saw the first time.

Oh, no, we don't want to do that.

Well, pop round to the house
and I'll make an omelette.

Yes, in about, what, 20 minutes?
Yes, fine. All right.

Penny? No, she hasn't phoned back yet.
OK, bye.

You do remember we're having dinner
with Alistair tonight?

- How could I forgot it?
- You know, deep down, he's very sweet.

I'm sure he is.
I just wish he was intelligible, that's all.

Well, he's intelligible enough
when he wants to be.

- Sandwiches for the workers.
- What about the queen bee?

Queen bee is popping home for lunch.

- With Lionel.
- Oh.

We've just got tired of having sandwiches
in the park, all right?

- I didn't say anything.
- Cosier at home, anyway.

You two are getting very tiresome,
do you know that?

She's getting rattled.

She is not.

They're going on holiday together.

- They're not?
- (Phone)

It's all right, I'll get it. Noble soul.

Good afternoon. Type For You.

Oh, hello, Aunt Penny. No, she just left.

You've found Lionel's watch. No, I didn't
even know that he'd left it. I'll tell him.

Yes, right...

Er... under where?

Under their bed.

No, no, look, Aunt Pen, I'm on my lunch break.
You just chatter away as much as you want to.

- This is rather good.
- Mm.

Oh, we have a domestic side,
we executive women.

More comfortable than the benches in the park,
as well. We should do this every day.

- Do you think so?
- Mm, rather.

What about the executive side
to my domestic side?

Sorry, I'd forgotten that.

- It's not a hobby, Lionel.
- Don't get prickly.

It's just the assumption that work is something
I do when I've got an odd ten minutes to spare.

- Too many men have made that assumption.
- What men?

- Oh, men.
- What, you mean men you've known?

Not necessarily.

You must've known them all
to know they made the assumption.

- When I say all...
- I'm not asking for figures.

- You're not getting figures.
- (Chuckles)

Oh, let's change the subject.
You said something about a holiday.

Ah, right.

- I've been offered a cruise.
- Oh, what on?

A ship.

I know that. Who offered you the cruise?

It's odd, really.
You know the lecture circuit I'm on?

(Both) My Life In Kenya.

- A chap I know is on the same circuit.
- What's he doing? My Life In Clapham?

- Do you want to hear this?
- Sorry.

Well, he somehow got himself a cruise out of it.

Six days of luxury just for three talks.

He said it was an absolute doddle
and he thinks, if he recommends me to the line,

- it'd be the Mediterranean.
- Well, well.

I knew there must be some perks,
I've just never found them.

Well, I hope you have a nice time.

- You could come, too. He took his wife.
- I'm not your wife.

That's all right. Nobody bothers
with questions like that any more.

We could put down "companion".

No, we couldn't.
Rich old ladies have companions.

- It doesn't matter what you're called.
- It does, actually.

Well, I could hardly put "old sweetheart",
could I?

What about "nurse"?

No, no. I made the mistake of talking about
what we'd put you down as.

We just put you down as your name.
There's no problem.

- What do you say to the captain?
- Why should I say anything?

As a celebrity speaker,
you're bound to be introduced to him!

How will you introduce me?
Providing you haven't hidden me in the lifeboat.

- I'd say, "This is my friend Jean Pargetter."
...Jean Pargetter, who is sharing my cabin.

- Of course I wouldn't say that.
- He'd know it.

Why are you suddenly so concerned
about the captain?

There's all the other people nudging each other
and saying, "She's not a new model, is she?"

I'm tired of my private life being discussed,
let alone by strangers.

I see. Well, you make a compelling case
for not wanting to come.

Oh.

I'm sorry, Lionel.

It was free, as well.

What was all that for?

To stop myself from hitting you over the head.

Ask me why, go on, say why, why!

- Why?
- Yes, why! I'd be a freebie!

I'd be a hanger on!

Is she included? Oh, sure, chuck her in!

- That's not the way I thought...
- It's the way it... Oh, I'm going back to work.

What if I asked for separate cabins?

- I wonder if they'd stretch to that.
- I...

Taxi!

Use the free code JOINNOW at

www.playships.eu

Nice lunch?

One more personal question this afternoon
and you're out. That goes for you, too.

So much for love in the afternoon.

Perhaps they should stick to sandwiches.

Ah.

- I'd like to see your commander in chief.
- She just went out.

- Do you really expect me to believe that?
- Do I re... Yes, I do, as a matter of fact.

Well, I don't.

- I'd like to talk to your mother.
- She just went out.

- Do you really expect me to believe that?
- That's what he said to me.

- Well, do you?
- Yes.

- Would you like a cup of coffee?
- No, thanks.

- A wine gum?
- No, thanks.

- I'm waiting for you to produce your mother.
- That's biologically impossible.

- I don't find that amusing.
- I don't find being called a liar amusing.

- That makes two of us.
- Jean just went out. That's what you're saying.

I have days like this.
I don't suppose you know where she's gone?

- Yes.
- You going to tell me?

- No.
- Look, we don't know. She just went.

- Rather early, isn't it?
- That's up to her. She can go when she wants.

We had a bit of a disagreement.
I suppose she told you.

No.

If you don't know the facts,
why are you taking sides?

Oh, I see, all girls together.

What would you say
if I referred to you as a boy?

I'd say your mind had snapped.

Exactly!

She likes Mum.

Yeah, so I gathered.

This misunderstanding...

- Look, I don't want to know.
- Perhaps I put it badly.

What did you put badly?

I told her that I could possibly get
a little lecture job on a cruise ship

and she could come along free
if she wanted to.

I think I'll go.

- (Jean) 400.
- Three.

Four.

Three-and-a-half.

Mr Atwell, if you want girls on a regular basis,
you must...

(Laughs lasciviously)

Girls on a regular basis.
There's quite a double meaning there.

Oh, is there really? Well, secretaries, then.
To avoid any other subtle double meanings.

If you want secretaries on a regular basis,
we're talking of regular salaries.

- Are you sure you wouldn't like a drink?
- Yes, thank you.

- Afraid it might go to the head?
- Yes, something like that.

Such an attractive little lady,
such a strong will.

It's four.

- Look, dear...
- And don't call me dear.

Sorry.

Just a term of endearment.

- Mr Atwell...
- Cyril.

Mr Atwell, we have no need of of endearments.
We are not endeared. We're talking business.

- Three-and-a-half.
- Four.

- I've got a timeshare.
- Oh, have you really?

Marbella.

Through-lounge, all ethnic tiled, microwave,
sun deck, use of pool.

Maria comes every day.
She's very good, despite the limp.

- Is this relevant?
- Think about it.

I have. Incredibly fast. Four.

You misunderstand me. I wasn't inviting you.

- Oh.
- No, I thought perhaps you and hubby might...

- I don't have a hubby.
- Oh, poor woman.

I'm not a poor woman,
I'm a businessman... woman.

And that's all there is, is there?

You make that sentence sound
as if it should have black edges round it.

Let's be fair, it explains a lot.

It explains nothing. Four.

Three-and-three-quarters.

Four.

You're a tough lady.

Not a rascal or a rogue?

- I'm not with you.
- No, never mind.

- You little business ladies...
- Four.

Four.

- Li, Li, Li.
- I hate being called Li, let alone Li-Li-Li.

And I still don't see what I did or said
that was so terrible.

You admitted you were on a freebie.

- Well, actually, I said perk.
- Same thing, different generation.

Perks are fine,
but the one thing you never, never do

is tell your lady that she's on a freebie.

- It's not very flattering, is it?
- It's honest.

Li, we are talking man-woman,
we are not talking about honesty.

I'm out of touch with women. I don't think
I've ever been in touch with women.

What about the great romance with Jean
in the early part of the century?

- The middle of the century, actually.
- So it was.

Oh, that was... well... Understanding
each other didn't really come into it.

- Well, there must have been something.
- Yes, there was.

And then later, there was never a relationship
which required me to understand women.

- What about Kenya? Your wife?
- She didn't want to be understood.

Any effort on my part would've been
looked on as a kind of intrusion.

- Jean is coming tonight?
- Well, she was.

In the prevailing climate, she may not lend her
wholehearted support to this book business.

Actually, Lionel,
that may not be entirely a bad thing.

It's the Three Graces rolled into two women!

That makes us one-and-a-half women each.

- Lionel.
- Hello.

- Hello, Judith.
- Sandy's forgiven you.

- What for?
- All I said was...

- Oh, one of those.
- Shall we take in some bubbles?

Judith.

Excuse me.

- Cheers.
- (All) Cheers.

Thank you.

So what do you think?

- It's Lionel.
- I like it.

- I feel a twerp.
- Lionel, it's the biz!

- Friend of mine fixed us up.
- Hm, another perk?

- Shall we order?
- Actually, with everybody's permish,

I've put ordering on hold.
Let's do the stuff first, then mungus.

I'm sorry, I only understood every other word
in that sentence.

Alistair wants to talk about the book first
and then eat.

You should take Judy on as an interpreter.

I'm sorry. I get carried away sometimes.

It's trying to keep up with the young fellows,
I suppose.

Now we have ignition.

We publish in a week

and then, hopefully, comes a time
when Lionel will be in the public eye.

- In this suit?
- Which they will love!

It's part of the image
we're trying to create, hm?

If the public gets interested in an author,
then they also get interested in the book.

If you'd published Shakespeare,
he would've really been something.

- Judy, I was being serious.
- So was Judy.

Look, what we don't want to suggest

is that My Life In Kenya is simply the story
of someone who planted coffee.

- But it is.
- We know that, mate.

But what we want to hint is that
that guy who planted coffee

didn't just plant coffee.

- We're back to the "hey, hey" thing, aren't we?
- Right!

Look, Alistair, if you want to persist
with this ridiculous fiction...

- He does sell books.
- He does sell books.

...what does it have to do with me now?

Lionel, if we're to believe the then,
we have to take the now

and believe now is still halfway then.

Judy?

You've got to come across
as a bit of an old dog.

- Leap in the imagination.
- Which is where you come in, Jean.

What do you want me to do?
Follow him around saying, "He's an old dog"?

Don't get me wrong, Jean. As you know,
I think you're one helluva lady, hm?

But for the sake of the book,
I don't want you to follow him around at all.

- Oh, I see.
- Alistair!

I'm not talking people, I'm talking business.

- And I know the difference.
- I don't know what anyone's talking about.

Being followed around by a lady of mature years
would do nothing for the old-dog image.

- I see.
- No offence, Jean.

- As you say, it's business.
- In that case, bugger business.

Follow me around? But for her, I'd have
packed the bloody thing in weeks ago.

She's put up with my moaning,
she's given up her time to encourage me.

She's even persuaded me that
your cr*ck-brained ideas actually make sense.

Well, maybe they do, but not this one, Alistair.

If Jean has the will or the stamina or the time
to help me try and sell this damn book,

then all I will feel is gratitude
and you'd better get used to it.

Oh, and I'll feel something else, as well,
and that's proud.

Right, now I'm ready to eat.
May we see a menu, please?

- Sure you don't fancy coming on somewhere?
- No, thanks.

We'd be asleep by the time we got there.

Then we'd wake up, go inside
and fall asleep again.

See you for the book launch, then.
Both of you.

- With my walking frame.
- And I'll wear the suit.

You're starting to like it, aren't you?

- No, I'll just wear it.
- Good.

- See you both.
- Night, Mum.

Good night, you.

Oh, by the way, I forgot to tell you both.
Aunt Penny phoned.

She found Lionel's watch.

It was under your bed, apparently.

Night-night.

- You dropping off?
- Too many late nights.

Have you had many recently?

Just tonight.

- Quite a speech you made in that restaurant.
- I just said what I thought.

I know, that's why it was quite a speech.

Sorry I was so ratty
about the freebie and the cruise.

- Probably won't come off.
- Well, if it does, I'm your shipmate.

I was offered a timeshare in Marbella
this afternoon.

- Oh, yes?
- Mm.

Nothing like that. I don't get those offers now.
No, he wanted me to bring the hubby along.

- Hubby?
- Yes. He was that kind of chap.

- He referred to women as "little ladies".
- Which hospital's he in?

No, I hit him where it really hurt - in his wallet.

Used you to get that sort of offer?

Sometimes.

- Did you ever...
- Mind your own business!

No, I didn't. It was the young woman
alone in business.

- You know, the fair game syndrome.
- It's called sexual harassment now.

- Oh, gosh, you're moving with the times.
- I heard it from the town crier!

- What was it called in those days?
- Putting up with it.

See, when he d*ed, David didn't leave
much money. There was Judith.

I just started here.
Me and a telephone and a typewriter.

It's probably in the British Museum by now.

- But you made it.
- Yes.

Do you know the highest compliment
a male client thinks he can pay me?

- "My God, you're as tough as a man."
- (Chuckles)

If we hadn't lost touch,
if things had worked out right...

would you have wanted
to go into business then?

Would you have wanted me to?

After this conversation,
that's a leading question.

I know.

No, I wouldn't.

No, I thought not.

- Would you have wanted to?
- That's a leading question.

It was my turn.

All right, then, no.

I would have cooked the meals for us and our
15 children and become a Mother Earth figure.

Don't tell anyone I said that.

- Oh!
- Oh, God.

What are we going to do
about that smirk on Judith's face?

- Questions will be asked.
- Not in the House?

I sincerely hope not.

Have you any constructive idea
what we should say?

As a matter of fact, I have.

Alistair does talk an awful lot of twaddle, but
he has one phrase that might come in handy.

(Both) Hey, hey!

♪ You must remember this

♪ A kiss is still a kiss

♪ A sigh is just a sigh

♪ The fundamental things apply

♪ As time goes by

♪ And when two lovers woo

♪ They still say I love you

♪ On that you can rely

♪ The world will always welcome lovers

♪ As time goes by ♪