03x01 - We'll Always Have Paris

[bunniefuu]

♪ You must remember this

♪ A kiss is still a kiss

♪ A sigh is just a sigh

♪ The fundamental things apply

♪ As time goes by ♪

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II pleut.

(Lionel) What?

I said, "II pleut."

Oh, bon.

It isn't bon at all. It's pleuring.




What a shame. We were going for a walk.

Just gonna walk and walk and walk.

- Were we?
- Yes, walk and walk and w...

We planned it on the plane yesterday.

I'm not sure that one should put too much faith
in plans made at high altitude.

That's a bizarre thing to say.

- I don't think so.
- You've just gone off the idea.

Well, it's pouring with rain.

- We could go to the pictures.
- I didn't come to Paris to go to the pictures!

Oh, come on, Lionel.
This is the trip we planned 38 years ago.

- What was the first thing we were going to do?
- It didn't have anything to do with walking.

I meant the first in the morning.

That didn't have anything to do
with walking either.

- After breakfast.
- Walk and walk and walk.




Thank you.

- Good morning.
- Good morning.

- (Knock at door)
- Ooh!

- You're very coy.
- Well, could be anyone.

If it's President Mitterand, are you at home?

- Ah, bonjour.
- Bonjour, madame. Le petit d?jeuner.

- Merci.
- Bonjour, monsieur.

- Bonjour, madame.
- Vous avez bien dormi?

Oui, merci. Comme...

Comme un arbre.

You slept like a tree?

Log. It's the nearest I could get.

- Comme un arbre?
- Er... comme un... un log.

- Comme un log.
- Log?

Oui, erm...

Ah! La, monsieur, la.

Non, non. Je...

Oui, madame, merci bien.
Vous etes tres gentille et tres patiente.

Pas du tout, madame, pas du tout.

Log.

- Bon app?tit.
- Merci, madame.

- (Jean sighs)
- She doesn't speak very good English.

Coming from someone who slept like a tree...

- I feel rather dissolute.
- Oh, yes?

Mm. Well, you know,
Paris and... crumbs in the bed.

- And a lover.
- Aren't I a bit old to be described as a lover?

No.

Not unless you have
an incredibly short memory.

Oh, it's stopped raining.

Only for a little while.

How can you tell?

By looking at the sky.

You can only see a little bit of sky from there.

- I only need to see a little bit.
- You've just gone off the idea of a walk.

I don't mind a walk. It's the other two
that bother me, the walk and walk.

Yes, but we planned it.

38 years ago.

I tell you what. Let's have a little walk, then hop
on a coach. They do very good city tours.

I'm not gonna sit on a bus
with a lot of old fogeys.

- I'm not an old fogey.
- Well, then stop acting like one.

Now, I'm going to have a bath and get dressed.
Then we're going to walk and walk and walk.

As we planned.

(Laughs) Unless of course you'd like me to
borrow a Bath chair and push you round Paris?

That's it. Go on. Turn blue.

- Yes.
- Ooh.

You don't have to overdo the limp.

I'm not overdoing anything. My feet are sore.

- Where are you going?
- To buy a map.

If we walk and walk again, I'd like to have
some idea of where we're going.

Well, where's the adventure in that?

I'm not talking about adventure.
I'm talking about seeing something of Paris.

You know, the beautiful bits of Paris.

We spent the morning wandering about some of
the most boring suburbs I've seen in my life.

"Don't let's head straight for the centre,"
you said. "Let's do a loop."

- Yes, well, we looped too far.
- I know. I kept expecting to see the sea.

Tourist.

Oh.

Oh...

Oh.

Tissue.

Thank you.

- What's the matter?
- I'm on my honeymoon.

- How lovely.
- It's not.

It's awful.

We had a row and he just walked out before
breakfast and I don't know if he's coming back.

He took his anorak.

That's not very significant, is it?

- His passport is in his anorak.
- Oh, I see.

Here we are. The Eiffel tower,
the Champs Elys?es, the Louvre,

they're all walkable
if you don't go through the suburbs.

- Shh!
- What?

What?

Oh, hello.

- A drink, that's what we need.
- Good idea. Nice to have met you.

I meant all three of us.

No, I'd be imposing.

Of course you wouldn't. Would she, Lionel?

No, not a bit of it.

- This is very kind of you.
- Oh, no, we're not being kind.

Come on. You come and have a drink with us.

Come on, Pathfinder.

It was all going to be so perfect.

I mean, Terry and I saved up so hard.
We're only here for four days.

And now it's over before it started.

No, of course it isn't.

- Look, I know it seems awful...
- It does!

But it's not, it's...

It's just a spat. All couples have spats.

- Do you?
- Yes, of course. Don't we, Lionel?

I'm sorry? Don't we what?

Have spats.

Spats?

Tiffs.

Oh, that sort of spat. Yes.

All the time. Hardly a day goes by.

- It's not that often.
- We had at least three this morning.

It was just a few words.

We had a real row on the plane yesterday.

I simply asked you to stop reading
the emergency leaflet aloud.

I wasn't reading it aloud.

I was just... mumbling it to myself, that's all.

I retain written matter better
if I mumble it to myself.

People were looking at you.

You'd've been grateful
if we'd ditched in the Channel.

I don't know. Hours in the water blowing that
pathetic whistle with you mumbling all the time.

Oh, I'm sorry. I've upset both of you now.

No, of course not. We're laughing about it now.

- Aren't we, Lionel?
- More or less, yes.

Look, I bet your Terry's going to come through
that door any moment.

You don't know him. He sulks.

Oh, well, a lot of men do that.

I mean, you want them to talk about things.
It's the only way to sort out a problem, isn't it?

But they just go quiet and huffy.

- Some men seem frightened by words.
- How very true.

- They ought to talk more, they really should.
- They should!

- If they...
- Assuming they can get a word in edgeways.

Would you excuse me?
I've got a couple of phone calls to make.

Oh, dear.

- Had you better go after him?
- No, he knows how to use the phone.

- I think he's upset.
- No, you're the one who's upset.

It's gone one.

- You don't think Terry's left me, do you?
- No, of course he hasn't.

He's probably sitting somewhere
feeling an absolute fool.

- We're not used to rows.
- No, I can see that.

What was the row about?

Well...

He made what I considered to be an
unreasonable demand in the middle of the night.

Oh, I see.

- I don't really want to say anything more.
- No, no. Of course not. No.

Not unless you really want to.

- What are you doing?
- Treading grapes.

Not gonna do that a lot, are you?

- They're my feet.
- I know. It just looks a bit, er...

- Well...
- A bit what?

- Elderly.
- Oh.

Where'd you get the bowl?

- Madame Defarge. Do you want to jump in?
- Certainly not.

How did you make her understand
what you wanted?

I didn't have to. I caught her
in her cleaning cupboard and pointed.

- Elderly?
- Yes.

Hm. Well, we're going to lunch.

Oh. Not "Shall we" or "Do you feel like..."?

No, I didn't mean you.
I meant I'm going to lunch with Ann.

Ann?

Yes. That poor kid we've just had a drink with.

Oh. Why?

Well, I can't leave her on her own.

- What about me?
- You can come too, if you like.

I don't want to come.

Then why did you ask "What about me?"
In such a pathetic way for?

I mean what about me being left on my own?

- Well, you're not a child.
- Obviously not.

Look, I shouldn't need to remind you
but this is meant to be our holiday.

Look, she's so young.

She's meant to be on her honeymoon.

And that idiot of a husband's walked out on her.

We can't just ignore the situation.

Where does it end? Do we have a second bed
put in the room?

Oh, I think you're being very callous.

I think you're taking sides
without knowing what you're talking about.

I mean, why is she "the poor thing"
in all this?

Why is her husband suddenly an idiot?

- It's a very mild description.
- You haven't met him!

No, but Ann's said enough.

- Oh, yes?
- Quite enough.

Don't you want to know what she said?

Go on.

He made an unreasonable demand
in the middle of the night.

What sort of unreasonable demand?

Well, it's obvious, isn't it?

- No.
- Well, you know. (Tuts and whistles)

Well, you're a man.

Well, why should that make me an expert
on her definition of an unreasonable demand?

In any case, one woman's definition
of an unreasonable demand

might well be another's definition
of a... (Chuckles).

- Of a what?
- A rather exciting suggestion.

- Oh, might it?
- Yes, it might.

Either way, it's for them
to make their definitions.

Not you.

Or me. Them.

If I was her, I'd back my bags and go home.

- You're not gonna suggest that, are you?
- No.

But I still think she needs a shoulder to cry on.

Oh, all right.

Where are you going for lunch?

Well, there was a little bistro we passed
on our walk. It's only ten minutes away.

- You won't be doing any loops, will you?
- No, I shan't.

- When will you be back?
- Well, after lunch.

Yeah, I know that. I meant are we
doing anything this afternoon?

Well, it's hard to tell.

- Right.
- Right what?

You'll either find me downstairs in the bar or up
here doing something elderly like having a nap.

You won't sulk, will you?

If I'm asleep, I won't know
whether I'm sulking or not.

- Well, see you later, then.
- Yeah.

Eventually.

Well...

Un... beer, please.

Excuse me. Is that good?

I'm sure it is, once you can find a way in.

Actually, I've gone off the idea.
Would you like it?

No, thanks. Not really hungry.

- How did you know I was English?
- The way you were looking at it.

- You here with your wife?
- No.

- Just a friend.
- Oh, right. I see.

Or a girlfriend.

Well, not a girl, actually, but that kind of area.

Right.

- You?
- Honeymoon.

At least it was.

- You're Terry.
- How did you know?

We got talking to your wife this morning.

- She's not in the room.
- She's gone to lunch with my friend.

I come back, she's swanned off to have lunch.

I wouldn't describe it as swanning off.

She was rather upset and my friend
sort of... took her in hand.

I'm surprised you're talking to me.
I mean, I'm some sort of monster. I'm a beast.

- She didn't call you that.
- What did she call me?

Terry.

I don't think it's right,
talking about intimate things to strangers.

- Neither do I.
- Plus you've only heard half the story.

- Which I didn't want to know.
- Of course not.

- It's none of my business.
- Quite right.

It's so stupid. We're lying there in bed.

- And all I said was...
- Stop there, please. I don't want to know.

I really don't.

Sorry.

- I'm just fed up, that's all.
- It's your wife you should talk to.

I know where they are.
It's only ten minutes away.

Well, say 20.

What do you think?

I don't. I don't think anything.

- Well, I'm not chasing after her.
- Right.

If she chooses to pour her heart out
to a stranger, which she has no right to do...

Which she has no right to do, no.

...let her get on with it.

Another beer?

- Well...
- Please?

All right. Why not?

Deux... more beers, please.

- Will you come in with me?
- Certainly not.

I'm the last person Terry will want to see.

- What should I say?
- It's for him to say something. Quite a lot.

I can't hear anything. What if he's not there?

Well, he's not in the bar. The concierge
said he'd come back so he must be.

Go on.

And don't apologise.

Terry?

Terry?

He's not there. He's run off again.

Oh, dear.

Oh.

Come on, then. Come on.

- I'm not a drinker, you see.
- Yes, I can see that. Come on.

No, I'm not going in there.

If Ann comes back and finds me like this,
she'll start on about my uncle Wilf.

- It isn't your room.
- Whose is it?

- Our room.
- Our room?

- Jean's and mine.
- She'll hate me on sight.

Quite probably but she's not here.
Now let go and get in.

- I'm not a drinker, you see.
- Yes, we've established that.

Oops. Steady.

Now, lie down.

I wish you were my father.

Yes, it's a pity that, isn't it?

Go on. Now.

- Try to get to sleep.
- I can't sleep.

Well, you...

Oh, God.

Oh.

(Sighs)

Right. Daddy's coming to bed.

Paris. City of romance.

(Softly) Lionel.

- Are you asleep?
- (Snores)

(Second snorer snorts)

Ah.

Would you care to introduce me to your friend?

- This is Terry.
- Oh, Ann...

It's an odd question, but what's he doing here?

- Sleeping.
- With you?

We got chatting in the bar, he wouldn't stop
talking and I hadn't got anything else to do.

- So you just got blind drunk with him?
- No, he got drunk.

He's not a drinker.

This is a really silly question.
Why did you bring him up here?

Cos he didn't want that silly wife of his
to see him. Where is she?

In their room.
I've spent the afternoon with her.

- And she's not silly. He's the silly one.
- He's actually rather a sensitive lad.

(Terry) United!

- Sensitive?
- United!

- About her.
- Typical, isn't it?

- All boys together.
- Well, that's rich.

You've been with her for hours.

We went to lunch
and then we went shopping.

- Shopping? Shopping?
- I thought it would cheer her up.

While this poor lad is moping about in a bar
drinking drinks he can't handle?

- You didn't do much about it.
- What was I meant to do, take him shopping?

- United!
- Oh, shut up.

- I'm gonna have a bath.
- You can't!

- Not with him here.
- I don't intend to take him in with me.

I'm not gonna have you skipping round
with just a towel on.

Oh, you're telling me?
Well, then I'll take my clothes in with me.

- What about him?
- He's your drinking mate. You sort him out.

Right.

I will.

Oh. Lionel?

Oh.

- Terry.
- Ann...

Oh, you should be so lucky. Come on, wake up.

United!

- Who are you?
- Fifi Le Bonbon.

- What?
- I'm Jean. I'm Lionel's friend.

- Good old Lionel.
- Oh, yes. Good old Lionel.

Vous ne pouvez pas I'utiliser!
Monsieur, non, non, non.

Look, I only want to borrow it.

- Je vous dis que vous n'avez pas le droit de...
- Oui, oui, oui.

What on earth are you doing?

What is the French for borrow a trolley?

- I don't know.
- C'est moi le porteur ici.

Just wait outside, will you?

- (Continues chuntering in French)
- Oh, shut up.

- Right, on you get.
- Hello, Lionel.

On he gets? What do you mean, on he gets?

Take care of it, you said. Well, I am.
He's not here with us. He's here with his wife.

- I'm going to wheel him round to her. Get on.
- You are not!

- I don't feel well.
- Oh, shut up.

He can't go back to her like that. Look at him.

When he apologises profoundly,
he should look human.

- (Knock at door)
- Monsieur!

Oh, attendez-la, will you?

I don't care what he looks like.
I don't care if he apologises.

I don't care if he throws her out the window.

- I've been a nuisance.
- Yes.

- And it's all your fault.
- My fault?

Yes. You should have told him
how badly he behaved,

given him nothing stronger than coffee
and waited for Ann and me to get back.

- From your shopping?
- Yes.

Instead of which, you side with him, get him
drunk and now expect to wheel him back

looking like death warmed up.

- Perhaps the trolley was excessive.
- (Knocking)

- Monsieur!
- Right, fine. I've finished with it, thank you.

- (Mutters angrily in French)
- Merci bien.

- Oh-la-la, ces anglais...
- God, they're an hysterical crowd, aren't they?

Faced with behaviour like yours,
I can hardly blame them.

I just wanted a holiday. That's all I wanted.

- Right, come on.
- I've told you, he can't go back like that.

- Assuming you want to go back.
- Of course I do.

- Of course he does. Off you go.
- No, look!

Now, go into the bathroom and...
oh, I don't know, spruce yourself up a bit.

We'll order some coffee. Now, go on.

You sounded just like my mother
when you said that.

Where are you going?

Not you. You.

- To order the coffee.
- Use the telephone.

No. I can't stand that crone on the switchboard.

She gabbles away and pretends
not to understand anything I say.

You don't like the French, do you?

- I don't know why you wanted to come here.
- It was for us.

Remember?

Oh!

Oh...

- Here's a clean shirt of Lionel's. Put that on.
- Thanks.

- She's quite young, my mum.
- I'm very glad to hear it.

- (Knock on door)
- Oh!

Changed your mind about the phone?

- Oh, Ann.
- I've come to say goodbye.

Oh, no, you mustn't.

- I've got my pride.
- I know that but you mustn't go.

The concierge was mistaken.
Terry's not in the hotel.

- Yes, he is.
- Well, where, then?

- Where?
- Sorry, this needs cufflinks. I don't suppose...

- Terry?
- Ann.

I was just sprucing myself up.

How could you?

I couldn't... I... Oh, don't be absurd!

No, no. Jean just came in
and found me in bed with Lionel.

Look, there is an explanation for this
but I'm suddenly very, very tired.

How long does it take to get coffee?

- I was ambushed by the manager.
- Why?

That fool with the trolley sneaked to him,
apparently.

According to the manager, I'm lucky not to have
brought the hotel staff of Paris out on strike.

Well, he obviously hasn't thrown us out.

- Has he?
- No.

- Diplomacy won the day.
- Yours?

Yes, mine.

I offered him money.

- Shall we take this up?
- We can't.

- Is that blacklegging too?
- Anne and Terry are in our room.

What, both of them?

She came to say she was going home
and he came out of the bathroom half-naked...

I don't need to go on, do I?

- How were they when you left?
- Glaring.

- Didn't you explain?
- No.

- I left them to sort it out themselves.
- Finally.

Yes, finally.
- Voila votre caf?, Monsieur.

Ah, merci. I think we deserve this.

- Oh, yes. Let's sit at a table.
- Yeah.

Bah, non, monsieur.

Blackleg.

Incroyable.

Oh!

Vous voulez pas votre caf? dans la chambre?

Non. Ici.

- Mais, enfin, ?coute...
- Ici!

Ici?

- Ici.
- S'il vous plait, monsieur.

(Sighs) Bon, OK. OK. Incroyable. Mais vous
avez dit... (Mutters angrily in French)

- Muttering.
- So are you.

Well, I hope they don't wreck the room.

- Yes, perhaps we should...
- Perhaps we shouldn't.

No, I didn't mean to get involved.

I just kept thinking, that could have been us
38 years ago.

Except we'd've been here on a dirty weekend.

Well, we're having one now.
Just a bit late, that's all.

Actually, Terry's quite a sweet lad.

Oh. While we were having a drink...

he told me all about the unreasonable demand.

- Oh?
- Yes.

- Well, I shan't be shocked.
- Well, it's pretty raunchy.

Are you going to tell me or not?

Very well. He asked her to open the window...

And?

No, that's it.

And she'd just got comfortable
and thought he should have done it himself.

But what made it really unreasonable
in her eyes

was that he forgot to say please.

And then she said she wasn't going to start
married life by being ordered about.

And he said he hadn't ordered her
to do anything and so on and so on.

- That's what they rowed about?
- That's the nub.

- What a pair of twits.
- That's what I thought.

As you said, they're very young.

It takes mature people to have mature rows.

Rows about important issues,
like the emergency leaflet on a plane.

- Yes. Reading it aloud.
- I wasn't reading it aloud. I...

- Here come Mr and Mrs Twit.
- Oh, Ann!

- We came to thank you.
- You've been so kind.

- Lots of people wouldn't have bothered.
- No.

- Anyway, we're all right now.
- Yes, it shows.

And we certainly don't want to impose further.

- But...
- But?

We'd like to take you to dinner. This evening.
To say thank you.

Oh, how nice.

- Well, of course we...
- We can't come.

It's very kind, but I've made
other arrangements. Sorry.

Oh. Well, it's quite all right.

- Perhaps a drink sometime.
- Oh, that'd be nice.

Meantime, thanks again.

- I thought he concealed his relief admirably.
- Yes.

I thought the "other arrangements"
was a bit pat.

No, it's absolutely true.

You remember the couple of phone calls
I made earlier?

I thought you were just getting
out of the f*ring line.

You're speaking to a man who stood up
to a vicious mule in Korea.

In Korea. I'm so sorry, yes.

These arrangements?

You and I are having dinner alone

in a rather swish restaurant that looks out
on a floodlit Notre Dame.

- Oh!
- And we're not walking.

We're travelling in a horsedrawn carriage.

I asked for a white horse
but they couldn't guarantee that.

Oh, Lionel. It sounds lovely.

- And very seductive.
- It's intended to be.

- It wasn't part of the original plans.
- Who are you kidding?

No, not the seduction. The high life.

We couldn't have afforded it then.
We couldn't have afforded to go to Paris.

No. I knew age must have some compensations.

Come on, let's go and get ready.

Erm... later...

will you be making any unreasonable demands?

- No, probably not.
- Oh, dear.

No, I think we'll open the window
before we go to bed.

♪ You must remember this

♪ A kiss is still a kiss

♪ A sigh is just a sigh

♪ The fundamental things apply

♪ As time goes by

♪ And when two lovers woo

♪ They still say I love you

♪ On that you can rely

♪ The world will always welcome lovers

♪ As time goes by ♪