03x04 - Covering Up

[bunniefuu]

♪ You must remember this

♪ A kiss is still a kiss

♪ A sigh is just a sigh

♪ The fundamental things apply

♪ As time goes by ♪

How did the interview go?

She picked so many holes in me
I feel like an old cardigan.

Oh, dear. Sorry, Vikki.

- "She's nice," you said.
- Well, she usually is.

Well, thanks for trying, but on the whole
I think I'd sooner work for Genghis Khan.

- She is a bit out of sorts.
- That's a bit?

Look, I'll have a quiet word later.

No, thank you. Suddenly,
being unemployed has its compensations.

Aww. Look, it's lunch in an hour.

- Meet me over the road, eh?
- OK.

If you don't turn up,
I'll look for you in the Jobcentre.

The good, the bad and the ugly.

Thank you.

Vikki said she'd sooner work for Genghis Khan.

I didn't know he ran a secretarial agency.

I can feel your eyes
boring into the top of my head.

- If you want to say something, say it.
- All right.

When are you and Lionel going to make up?

Make up? We're not children
playing in a playground.

Well, you're acting like it.

My private life is none of your business.

No. Look, just because he doesn't want
to move into your house,

and you don't want to move into his flat,
it shouldn't keep you apart, should it?

- Well, it's certainly not bringing us together.
- Why don't you phone him up?

All right. Suit yourself.

Thank you.

- Hi, Sandy.
- I'm thinking of joining the Royal Marines.

I'm going for the Foreign Legion.

You should have seen her
with her cornflakes this morning.

She chewed them like
she was taking chunks out of Lionel's arm.

Good luck.

Oh, how nice of you to drop in.

I had a dentist appointment, if you remember?

- Oh.
- I had a filling.

I wish I'd stayed there.

I wish I'd had a lot more fillings.

- Without an anaesthetic.
- Aren't you being rather excessive?

No, as a matter of fact, I don't think I am.

Hello, Type For You, can I help?

Hello, Aunt Penny. Yes, I'm fine.

No, I'm not just struggling through,
I'm really fine.

Mum? Yes, she's fine too.

Do you want to speak to her?

Yes, she is, and she's telling me
to get off the line, so I'll hand you over.

Penny? Oh, how nice to hear you.

Yeah, I'm fine. Yes, really.

Lionel? Yes, he's fine.

Really, yes. Yes, we're ab...

Yes, of course we are. Like a house on fire.

Yeah.

Hello?

Hello?

We got cut off.

If you were Pinocchio, your nose would be
sticking right out of that window by now.

Oh!

Oh, Mum, why do you always have to tell her
that your life is so perfect?

Cos she's always so bloody sure it isn't.

If she can't refer to me as "poor Jean"
every two minutes, she feels quite deprived.

I assume that "like a house on fire"
referred to you and Lionel?

Oh.

Jean Pargetter. Oh, hello, Penny.

Yes, the line went dead.

What silly hotel switchboard?

Ohhh.

You're in London?

Oh, how lovely.

I have to say this. Your mothers' capable
of being very stupid at times.

I know, I know.

- What's so wrong with simply telling the truth?
- Well, she does.

Huh. Like a house on fire!

- Except to Aunt Penny, and she is Dad's sister.
- Yeah, I know that.

Sorry, but that's the reason
it gets so out of proportion.

Ever since he d*ed, she's been convinced
that Mum can never find happiness again.

Well, she hasn't, has she?

She was doing all right until you two acted
like children about who moves in with who.

I bought those cushions, you know.

- What?
- Soften the place up a bit.

Mum was throwing half her clothes away
to make some wardrobe space for you.

What do you actually want me to do?

- Just help her.
- What, tell a pack of lies?

If you want to put it like that.

Huh. There isn't any other way of putting it.

Aunt Penny and her incredibly boring husband
are to turn up this evening

and find Jean and me billing and cooing.

- More or less.
- Mm.

Which obviously needs my collusion.

Look, Mum doesn't know I'm here.

- I'm asking you.
- Now you're being disarming.

I know.

- What if I'm not there this evening?
- Mum will lie.

Penny and Stephen think I'm a psychiatrist.

- I know.
- She's responsible for that, as well.

I know.

All I said when we stayed down there was,
"I don't want to talk about the book."

- The next thing I know, I'm a psychiatrist!
- I know.

- I don't know.
- Yes, you do.

- You can't let her down.
- Oh-ho-ho, the way I feel...

Oh, no, you can't.

Tell her I'll be there.

I could almost fall in love with you
myself sometimes.

I think your mother's made life complicated
enough for the moment, don't you?

I'm surprised she even
lets you have a lunch break.

I keep telling you,
you just caught her on a bad day.

Seem to catch most people
in my life on a bad day.

- Oh, come on, Vikki. We've all had that...
- Uh-oh. Genghis has come to get you.

Shh!

I'm sorry to interrupt.

Look, Miss Kyle.

I won't excuse my behaviour to you this
morning because it was totally inexcusable.

But I would like to apologise and
do what I should have done in the first place,

and that's put you on our books.

I hope you're agreeable.

Very. Thank you.

- Good.
- I told you she's usually nice.

Oh, er, just a thought.

If you sprained an ankle,

would you be admitted to hospital?

Er... are you asking about my medical insurance?

Oh, no. Not your ankle.
Anybody's ankle. Just a casual thought.

Oh, erm... Oh, well, I don't really know.

You certainly would if you broke an ankle.

Yes, you would, wouldn't you?

Of course you would.

Yes.

Why did she ask about broken ankles?

I think I'll have a Danish pastry.

Taxi!

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Drop you somewhere, miss?

I don't believe you.
Where did you come from?

Weird thing, that. I was sitting in my office,

and this voice suddenly said,
"Alistair. Alistair Deacon.

"Somewhere out there is an angel in distress."

- And here I am.
- I don't believe a word of that.

The other version is that I was on my way to
Gatwick and there you were. Still magic, isn't it?

- Where are you going?
- Edinburgh. To see a Swede.

- I thought Swedes came from Sweden.
- Not this one. He's a golf freak. Hop in.

Oh, thanks, but Edinburgh's not my direction.

Think positively. Why shouldn't it be?

This guy won't take long. I'll do the biz,
tell him there's still time to get a round in,

and he'll be off like a Swedish sh*t.

Leaving the rest of the day for you and me.

- Life's not like that.
- It's supposed to be.

- I'm supposed to be at work.
- Now, don't be dull.

- I am tempted.
- Excellent.

- When will we be back?
- Tonight.

- Tomorrow.
- I'm not sure that you're a good idea.

Modesty forbids me commenting. Come on!

Oh, why not?

- I've earned it today.
- Monster.

Oh, I must phone Mum.

Be my guest.

Please be Penny.
Please say you're not coming tonight.

Hi, Mum.

I rang the office
but Sandy said you'd gone home.

Sorry I didn't come in this afternoon,
but I met Alistair and we're going to Edinburghl

- Oh.
- With innocent intentions.

Shut up. Look, Mum, about
Aunt Penny and Uncle Stephen this evening.

There's no need to worry, because...

Hello? Hello?

Ohhh! Ohhh.

May I help, sir?

Er, yes. I'm looking for something on psychiatry.

I see. Any particular branch of same?

Good God, no, I don't want anything
too complicated.

Just something that sets out
some general terms of reference.

- Preferably in about ten pages.
- I don't think we have anything like that, sir.

No, I didn't really think you would.

I've got to bone up on it
in about two hours, you see.

Two hours to bone up on psychiatry?

Yes. I'm supposed to be one.

I see, sir.

No, you don't, actually.
And it's far too long a story.

This has been going on for some time?

Mm. Far too long.

And you wouldn't believe
why I'm supposed to be one if I told you.

You're not going to, are you, sir?

No. Well, thanks all the same.

I'll just bluff. If in doubt, bluff.

- Oh, good idea.
- Yes.

- Goodbye.
- Goodbye, sir.

Oh. Incidentally, have you sold many copies

of a book called My Life In Kenya
by Lionel Hardcastle?

- One or two, sir.
- I see.

I'm a big-game hunter on the cover of that.

Of course.

Oh!

Here we go.

- Oh! Penny.
- Jean! How lovely to see you.

Oh. You look rather drawn.

- Doesn't she look drawn, Stephen?
- Well...

Of course she does.
Now, where's that lovely man of yours?

- Hello, Stephen.
- I don't think you look drawn.

Oh, thank you. Do go in.

So? Where is he?

Come on, now, where are you hiding him?

- Lionel?
- Well, of course Lionel.

- I'm not hiding him anywhere. He's not here.
- This room's changed.

Stephen, you say that
about every room you walk into.

There is something different.

Oh, he's going to be like a dog with a bone.

This. This wasn't here.

No, no, You're quite right. It wasn't.
It's Lionel's chair.

Oh, I see. But Lionel's not here.

Er... not at the moment, no.

Oh. Seeing a patient, presumably?

- Er... no.
- Actually, I've always wondered.

Do psychiatrists call
their patients "patients", or what?

So where is Lionel, Jean?

Well... Well...

- To tell you the truth...
- Oh, dear.

- What?
- Going to tell me something sad, aren't you?

I can see it in your face. Poor Jean.

No, actually, not sad at all, just very unlucky.
Lionel's broken his ankle.

- Poor old chap.
- When?

Today. He phoned, he went to casualty
and they've admitted him overnight.

- Poor old chap.
- How did he break his ankle?

- Playing golf.
- Poor old...

Yeah, yeah, all right, Stephen, thanks.

I didn't know he played golf.

Oh, yes, he can't get enough of it,
he's absolutely mad about it.

- Are you going back to Hampshire tonight?
- Afraid not.

We've got to stay a couple of nights.
I'm at a dental conference.

Yes, all V boring.

But I'm shopping.

I do hope were going to see Lionel.

Well, that depends on things, obviously.

- What things?
- Well, his ankle, mainly.

Ah, yes.

Oh. Excuse me.
Oh, will you help yourself to the drinks?

- Hello.
- What are you doing here?

Flying in the face of reason.

Shh! Penny and Stephen are here.

That's what I mean.
Didn't Judith tell you I was coming?

No. Oh, Lord.

She left a message on the machine
but it went peculiar.

I assume we'll be doing the same.

- I am in rather deep.
- Well, come on, then.

Let's pursue the fiction
that two heads are better than one.

- Oh, thanks for coming.
- Thank Judith.

- Oh, wait.
- What?

You've broken an ankle.

I suppose it's pointless to ask why?

Well, I had to explain your absence.

- You could have said I was out of the country.
- I could.

- But why go for the obvious?
- Oh, just limp.

- Which leg?
- I don't know! Just limp!

- Look who's here!
- Oh!

- Lionel!
- Jean said you were in hospital.

Did she? Yes, well, I was, but they let me out.

- Shouldn't you be on crutches or something?
- Yes, he... he left them.

- Er... at the hospital.
- Oh, yes.

It wasn't broken after all.
It was just a sprain.

Oh, isn't that good news?

- You'd better sit down, though.
- Yes, I think I should.

- Oh, Stephen!
- What?

- Lionel's chair.
- Yes. Oh, sorry.

- There.
- Sit down.

- Oh!
- Oh. Aww.

- Put your foot up, love.
- Thanks, love.

- Ah.
- Drink, love?

Yes, I think I will.

- Lionel's glass.
- Aaah. Ha, ha.

So, how'd you do it, Lionel? Come off the swing?

- Swing?
- At golf.

Oh. No, I don't actually...

...remember, I just...
- He just fell.

- Yes. Fell.
- Yes.

That's what I mean. You come off the swing
at golf, you're certainly off-balance, thus.

Oh, sorry.

Stephen, do stop windmilling about.

Heads will roll, presumably?

- Whose heads?
- At the hospital.

I mean, diagnosing a fracture
and then it turning out to be a sprain.

I mean, as a psychiatrist, you must carry
some sort of clout, presumably?

- Yes, I suppose I must.
- Access to people upstairs?

- Erm...
- Lionel is not a vindictive man.

He's too soft-hearted sometimes,
aren't you, Lionel?

Yes, I suppose I must be.

- Didn't know you were a golf nut.
- Didn't you?

Where do you play?

- Erm...
- Please. Stop it immediately, you two.

I find golf almost as boring as dentistry.

Dentistry is a living.

I'm aware of that, Stephen.

But it's not an enlivening topic of conversation.

Whereas, psychiatry...

Oh, yes. Fair dos, of course, yes.

- The human mind, eh?
- Yes, indeed.

- Fascinating thing, isn't it?
- Endlessly.

Tell me, Lionel. Are you a Jungian at heart?

- Look, Penny, there's something I should...
- Good heavens! I've just remembered.

- I have a class tonight.
- What sort of class?

Judo. I've taken up judo, haven't I, Lionel?

- Yes, she's taken up judo.
- How extraordinary.

And I have a class tonight. Soon!
Went completely out of my mind.

- Lionel's ankle, I suppose.
- Oh, yes. Oh, I'm sorry.

Look, now, I do hope were going to spend one
evening together whilst we're in London.

- Well, of course, we'd like to, but...
- Tomorrow.

Erm, let's make it tomorrow.

Oh, great, that'll suit us.
Fine.

- Tomorrow at eight, then.
- We'll look forward to it.

Oh.

You know, Jean,
I still think you look a little drawn.

But still, things do finally seem to have taken
a turn for the better, don't they?

- I suppose they had to, eventually.
- Well, I'm glad, I really am.

Come along, Stephen.
You're bumbling about again.

Coming.

Erm, look here. I know this is a fearful cheek,

but do you think Lionel would mind if I seized
some opportunity to see him privately?

- I'm sure he wouldn't.
- Oh, first-class. I'll pay the fee, of course.

Fee?

Yes. I meant, privately and professionally.

Erm... Lionel...

I knew I was going
to start the evening as a psychiatrist

but give you a few minutes and
I'm a golf-mad psychiatrist with a broken ankle.

- Sprained.
- That was mine.

- You did it very well.
- Well, its becoming second nature.

- I don't know why I said judo classes.
- I'd stopped wondering by then.

- Well, it did get rid of them.
- Yes, it did.

We were home and dry and then you
fixed us up for tomorrow night.

- Why? Why?
- I don't know.

If you want to cry off, I shall understand.

How about a broken neck this time?

Look, I know its not fair.

Especially when I'm asking you
to sustain the biggest lie of all,

that you and I are... fine, well, close,
when we can't even commit to living together.

That's just geographical.

Oh!

I've missed you all week, you know.

Oh. I've missed you.

- I'd like to take you out to dinner.
- Hm. Why?

To thank you for turning up
like the White Knight.

- Hardly white.
- Hm.

- Where are you buying me this dinner?
- Well, I'd change,

and take you somewhere very monster,
as Alistair says.

Or I we can go somewhere cheap and cheerful.

- I'm hungry. Cheap and cheerful.
- Just round the corner.

- Good. I don't want to walk far on this ankle.
- No.

- Erm, Lionel?
- Hm?

Erm... I'll tell you tomorrow.

At breakfast?

Yes. Breakfast.

- Please, Lionel.
- No.

Look, you can follow me around all day
on your knees, if you like,

- but I'm not treating Stephen.
- Nobody mentioned treating.

He just wants to talk to you.

In my professional capacity as a psychiatrist?

Yes, but I didn't know
he meant that till it was too late.

Presumably, if he'd asked you for a judo lesson,
you'd have given him one, would you?

Of course not, I don't know about judo.

I don't know anything about psychiatry!

It's much easier to pretend to be a psychiatrist
than it is to pretend to be a judo player.

That's an extraordinary claim.

Look, a girlfriend of mine has been
to a psychiatrist once a week for months.

And she can hardly get a peep out of him.

He thinks she ought to work
her own solution out,

so he just listens and says, "I see" a lot.

- She pays him for this, does she?
- Yes, she says it's doing her good.

Unloading her problems is doing her good.

- Months, you say?
- Almost a year.

I'm not seeing Stephen every week.

Look, he just wants a chat.

I am not messing about with his mind.

Let's face it,
there's not much to mess about with.

That's not the point.

If you'd told him I was a surgeon, you wouldn't
ask me to take his appendix out.

Oh, come on,
credit me with a bit of common sense.

That'll be Stephen.

- What?
- Well...

When you were in the bath, he rang and I said
to come at ten. Best to get it over with.

This is the unfairest thing
anyone's done to me. I mean, done.

Yes, I know.

- Hello, Stephen.
- Oh, good morning.

- Lionel, this is awfully good of you.
- Huh. Oh, come in, Stephen. Erm...

- Go through, I'll be with you in a minute.
- Right.

- Now, Lionel. Please...
- Er...

Have you just had a session?

- Yes, we have.
- Oh, splendid.

- See you.
- You can't do this to me.

Oh, I know, I know.
Please. Please. Lionel. Please.

Look, Stephen, I...

Oh.

This is where you want me, is it?

- Yes, that'll do.
- Uh.

Must say, this is very relaxing.
It's not at all like a consulting room.

It's more like a home, really.

- I see.
- Pardon?

I said, "I see." I'd just listened
to what you had to say.

Oh. Was it significant?

- Not really, no.
- Oh.

Er, look, Lionel, I think the bull
in a china shop's the best approach.

I'll charge in
and you tell me if I'm going wrong.

I see.

The thing is this. I'm starting to have
sexual fantasies about my dental nurse.

Oh, not that I'd ever betray Penny, of course.

Oh, no, we're very fond of each other
in our funny old way.

I'll be honest, I...

I don't really believe that Miss Breeze is
offering me the slightest encouragement...

...all in my head, you see.

Thoughts.

Well, I suppose they would be, really.

I mean, the other day, Miss Breeze and I
were moulding some dentures

and I... I had the strangest idea that we were
making bread together in a cottage in Greece.

Tell me honestly, do you think
I'm turning into some sort of pervert?

- Stephen, I am not a psychiatrist.
- What?

I am not a psychiatrist.

"I am not a psychiatrist."

Of course!

- I see what you're saying. God, it's brilliant.
- What?

You're... you're rejecting easy handles,
aren't you?

You're actually saying, "I'm not a psychiatrist.
I'm just someone who listens."

And therefore what you're saying to me is,

"Stephen, you're not a pervert. You're just a
man who's having the odd flight of fantasy."

Talk about putting things in proportion.

I see.

My dear fellow, I cannot thank you enough.
You've lifted a great weight off my shoulders.

- Good.
- Good?

Lionel, if you're not at the very top of the tree
in your profession I'd like to know who is.

- You'll send me your account?
- No, no, no. Have this one on me.

I'm eternally grateful, old chap.

- "I'm not a psychiatrist."
- Mm.

It's brilliant!
I'll see you this evening, of course.

- Of course.
- Goodbye. And thanks again.

Goodbye, Stephen.

So, when are you setting up in practice?

Tomorrow, if I can guarantee all the patients
are as dotty as Stephen.

- You've been very good about this.
- Not really.

I cracked. I told him the truth
and he didn't believe me.

- Wonderful.
- It's not wonderful at all. It's stupid, all of it.

Well, we've got away with it.

You sound like a schoolgirl
sniggering behind the gym.

- We've only got this evening to go.
- Yes.

Give us a few more hours
and what else will we have invented?

Will I be a part-time trapeze artist?
Will you have been a missionary in the Congo?

Oh. Come on.
We're not inventing lies for the sake of it.

No. It's all based on the fact that for some
reason, you can't tell your sister-in-law

that you loved me
long before you married her brother.

Oh.

I'll let 'em in. I won't forget the limp.

Penny.
Lionel, hi.

- Shall I go in?
- Yes, do. Hello, Stephen.

Look, I'm so sorry we're late but Stephen got
stuck with a seminar on dental hygiene.

- That's all right.
- Where's Lionel?

- He's gone to the kitchen.
- Oh. Right, well, do sit down.

- I'll pour us a drink.
- I'll do that. Two G and Ts?

Just a quickie, and then we must all
get off to the restaurant.

Erm, Jean. Call me nosy,
but I've been dying to ask.

Are you and Lionel living together now?

Well, of course we...

No.

No, we're not.

- Are we, Lionel?
- Are we what?

- We're not living together.
- Aren't we?

- No.
- Well, you don't seem very sure.

Well, I am. And there's something else, Penny,
that you ought to know.

You were fibbing about that judo, weren't you?

- Yes, I was.
- Good Lord.

But that wasn't the biggest fib.

Lionel and I didn't meet on the dodgems
a few months ago.

We met 38 years ago, before I met David.

And we didn't just meet. We fell in love.

You were having an affair all the time
you were married to my brother?

No, don't be soppy. We lost touch,
never thought we'd see each other again.

So you actually met
on the dodgems 38 years ago?

Have a peanut, Stephen.

But... why on earth go to such lengths?

- I mean, I'm not a monster.
- I know.

- It's me, I'm stupid.
- No, it's not.

She never told David because she didn't want
to hurt him. So she never told you.

And then after his death,
you were so sure that I couldn't survive

and that I would never be adequate, and I got
so tired of being "poor Jean" all the time,

and then you met Lionel and I thought,
"Oh, blow it. I'll show her just how happy I am."

But you're not.

Not at the moment, no.

- I've been a complete fool.
- Both of us, actually.

That's why I've decided to move in.

Two fools together.

If that's all right.

Yes, it's all right.

Well, I don't know what to say.
I'm very confused.

- I'm not.
- Oh, don't be so silly.

Really. Either way, I think we should
all drink up and go and eat, don't you?

- Yes.
- Quite right.

I'll just go and powder my nose
and take an aspirin.

Oh, Stephen, I have to ask.

Why aren't you confused?

Look, I know how old Penny thought of David.
Matchless.

Well, he wasn't.
Damned nice bloke, but not matchless.

And now you've finally convinced her,
and a good thing too,

with this wonderful fiction
that you actually met 38 years ago.

Brilliant. I detect
your professional acumen in this, Lionel.

- Stephen, it's the truth.
- All right. Pull the other one, old chap.

Next thing you know,
you'll be telling me you're not a psychiatrist.

- Stephen!
- Coming!

Well, doctor.

I think we'll let that one lie.

Probably best.

♪ You must remember this

♪ A kiss is still a kiss

♪ A sigh is just a sigh

♪ The fundamental things apply

♪ As time goes by

♪ And when two lovers woo

♪ They still say I love you

♪ On that you can rely

♪ The world will always welcome lovers

♪ As time goes by ♪