03x08 - A Trip to Los Angeles

[bunniefuu]

♪ You must remember this

♪ A kiss is still a kiss

♪ A sigh is just a sigh

♪ The fundamental things apply

♪ As time goes by ♪

I'm not carrying on.
All I said was the bacon was done to a crisp.

It was supposed to be.
You ordered crispy bacon.

- Are you sure?
- I heard you.

It was that waitress. She confused me.

I asked for fried eggs and she suggested about
50 ways of frying them.

Same with the bacon. As for ordering toast,
well, forget it if you're in a hurry.

Took her half an hour to tell me
how many different sorts of toast I could have.

- You like Los Angeles, then?
- If we eat downstairs this evening,

we should go down about five o'clock,
it will take two hours to order.

I know what this is all about.

Your bottle's gone.

My bottle has not gone.
It's just different, that's all.

It's one thing fantasising about a miniseries
in London,

it's quite another to be over here

trying to convince Mike whatsit
and Cy thingummy to make it.

Mike Barbosa and Cy Liebermann,
they're halfway sold on it already.

They blow very hot and cold, Americans.

You couldn't order breakfast,
but you're an expert on Americans.

I'm just trying not to be over-optimistic.

I don't think there's much danger of that.
In the meantime, enjoy.

- That's what the waitress kept saying.
- Well, we should. I mean, here we are.

First-class flight, a lovely suite, and look.
Look out there, Lionel, just look.

Well?

Smog.

In the hills above the smog.

- More smog.
- No.

It's Hollywood. We're in Hollywood.

- You're excited, aren't you?
- Yes, I am.

Oh, you have to admit,
this beats a rainy day in Holland Park.

- I know where things are in Holland Park.
- I want to stroll down Sunset Boulevard.

- Let's stroll down it.
- You don't know that's Sunset Boulevard.

- Well, it's somewhere down there.
- (Phone rings)

Hello.

Oh, good morning.

Yes, we're...

Are you?

Right. Fine.

Mike Barbosa's in the lobby, he's on his way up.

A drizzly day in Holland Park
suddenly sounds attractive.

- Now whose bottle's gone?
- I'm just nervous for you.

- You will remember Alistair's advice?
- Be very calm, very cool, very British.

- Where are you going?
- I need a pee.

- You won't be long, will you?
- (Knock at door)

Oh.

Hello again, Jean, good to see you.
Welcome to Los Angeles.

- A small token. May I come in?
- Oh.

Hello. You too. Thank you, how kind. Please do.

Good flight? Great. Where's Lionel?

- Oh, he's, erm...
- Taking a leak.

- You have a leak?
- No, no! No, no.

Lionel meant... Oh, here he is.

- Lionel, good to see you again. How are you?
- Much better now, thanks.

Been unwell?

No, no, no. I just had a leak.

- Gee, why did you say you didn't?
- I didn't. Lionel did.

I'm sorry?

We're using "leak" in a different sense.
You know... sort of...

- Right. A leak. I must remember that one.
- This is the language of Shakespeare, after all.

Right.

I'm sorry we didn't respond to your message.

Hey, that's no problem.
I just didn't want you to feel ignored.

- You were probably working out in the gym.
- Working out in the gym?

No, we were having a breakfast, a big fry-up.

Really? Right.

- Well, shall we sit down?
- OK.

Please.

Right. So... I have good news
and I've got better news.

The good news is
Cy Liebermann's therapy session

- has been put back to this afternoon.
- Therapy?

Yeah. Cy's working his way through
an alienation problem right now.

Who is he alienated to or from?

- His wife.
- Oh, dear.

No, no, it's great because Melissa
is working her way through a rejection problem.

- Are either of you in therapy?
- Not yet, no.

That's great. Anyway, the better news is that
Cy can now see us at 11:30 if that's convenient.

- Good.
- Excellent. We can have our walk first.

A walk?

Yes. A stroll.

Stroll?

If it helps, think of it as a strolling walk.

Nobody walks in LA.

I mean, I don't mean nobody literally walks,
I mean that...

Nobody walks.

Well, that's that cleared up.
Perhaps we could roller-skate.

It was a... sort of joke.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, right.

Uh, look, there's a stretch limo parked outside
at your permanent disposal. Use that, please.

Well, if it makes you happy.

- More to the point, Lionel, it makes you safe.
- They're big cars, stretch limos.

- Oh, very big.
- Well, we'll compromise.

We'll walk around inside it as we drive along.
(Laughs)

(Laughs)

I wish you wouldn't cry.

Oh, Harry, will you please stop crying?

Now, look. Cancelling your series
is not the end of the world.

su1c1de is a very ugly word, Harry.

(Knock at door)

I'm putting you on hold, Harry.

Who is this?

Cy. I have Lionel and Jean here.

- Lionel and Jean who?
- The Brits. The Korean w*r miniseries project.

Oh, right.

- Mike, do I like it?
- You're crazy for it.

Well, good. Get 'em in.

Ah.

Guy meets girl.

They fall in love.

Guy goes to w*r.

Guy loses girl.

I'm crazy for this?

- Lionel, Jean, say hello to Cy Liebermann.
- How do you do?

Cy is vice president
in charge of miniseries development.

Oh, it is so very, very... thrilling
to meet you both. Really, it's wonderful.

- Please sit down.
- Thank you.

If you'll excuse me momentarily,
I have someone on hold.

It's a fellow writer, Lionel.

Hm.

Harry, you are still crying
instead of communicating, Harry.

I know I said I loved your series, Harry,
but that was before I saw the ratings.

That does not make me a bad person.

I know that isn't the word you used, Harry,
but I have a lady in the office.

I love you too, Harry.

Sore loser.

So... It is
so very, very wonderful to meet you both.

Really. Really.

- It's thrilling.
- Well, we're thrilled too, aren't we, Lionel?

Oh, yes. Incredibly.

So tell me, how is your queen?

Pardon?

Queen Elizabeth.

Yes, I know her name,
but how should I know how she is?

No. No, what Lionel is saying
is that we don't actually know her personally,

but from what we gather,
she's really quite well in herself.

I'm very glad to hear that. Very glad.

Your project. Uh... what's it called again?

- (Mike and Jean) Just Two People.
- Just Two People. Right.

I think you should know that
when Mike faxed me the outline from England,

I became tremendously excited.
I want this story to happen.

It did.

On screen, Lionel.

A story which...

which... Mike.

Tears out your guts?

- No.
- Gives you stomachache?

Sorry?

- Lionel is joking, Cy.
- Oh.

You're discussing the publicity before you've
even made it. That's the wrong way round.

Not necessarily but I take the point.
We need a meeting.

I thought we were having one now.

A meeting with Josh and Lisa sitting in.

Josh and Lisa are creative consultants.
When this project goes to script...

If this development goes to script,
I want them in on the team.

What do they do, exactly?

- Mike has just explained.
- No, he hasn't.

- I understood it.
- What do they do?

- They consult.
- In a creative capacity.

Capeesh?

I don't know what anybody's talking about.

Josh and Lisa are over at Fox.

OK. So Mike, you arrange another meeting here
with Josh and Lisa just as soon as you can.

- Right.
- Can it be soon? I'd quite like to go home.

(Laughs)

- Lionel's joking.
- No, he isn't.

I'm thinking of a drizzly day in Holland Park.

That's the title of Lionel's new book.

Oh, I understand. You writers. (Laughs)

Yes. Us writers. (Laughs falsely)

- Would you have anything to show us, Lionel?
- What do you want me to show you?

- Anything on the new book?
- There isn't anything.

No, no. It's... It's still in the development stage.

Oh, I see. Not even a clue?

Not even a clue.

OK. So here's what we do.

Mike, you find a window for Josh and Lisa
and arrange another meeting.

I think I'd like Stefan to sit in on that one.

Meantime, Jean, Lionel,
please just enjoy our beautiful, beautiful city.

Anything you need, please call Mike.

Good meeting, Lionel.

Thrilling.

Thank you, Mr Liebermann.

- Oh, Cy, please. Only my wife calls me mister.
- Oh. (Laughs)

(She continues to laugh)

Mike.

Is it me or is Lionel a strange guy?

Oh. He's a strange guy.

Cy.

- Obstructive, obtuse and what?
- Wilful.

That's an understatement of your behaviour
at the meeting.

I should have taken you in a pushchair.

At least I'd have outranked Cy and Mike
in their prams.

Oh!

- I can construe that as a sulk, can I?
- Construe what?

- You saying "Oh!" and flopping on the bed.
- I did not flop.

- (Groans)
- That was a flop.

- You can't flop in a sitting position.
- Oh!

I do wish you'd stop tearing round the room
going "Oh".

- I did not tear anywhere.
- (Sighs)

- You keep sighing.
- Is it jet lag?

- Is what jet lag?
- This mood of yours.

You never look at yourself, do you?

There's a time in life
when mirrors lose their attraction.

That's not what I meant and you know it.

You went into that meeting today like
some old empire builder meeting the natives.

You were pompous, patronising and p...

I'm looking for another P.

Periwinkle?

Pernickety.
Look, Mike and Cy are there to help you.

- They're not. They're there to make money.
- Oh. What are you there for?

- Fair point.
- Thank you.

But I'm not prepared to act like an idiot
to do it. "How is your queen?" How do I know?

- He was only being polite.
- A veneer.

- He's hard as nails underneath, Cy whatsit...
- Liebermann.

You heard him on the phone. Destroys
someone's career and calls him a sore loser.

- That could have been me.
- No, you'd have punched him.

- Or put him over my knee and spanked him.
- That's what it is. It's age.

Yes. They're children
and they're running the world.

The bit of it you want to make money from.

And what's a creative consultant
when he's at home?

- Some kind of advisor, obviously.
- And who's Stefan?

Oh, Cy's hairdresser for all I know.

I'm not fawning to that crowd
if that's what you want.

Nobody asked you to fawn
and it wasn't a crowd.

- You wait till the next meeting.
- Fight your nature and just try and be civil.

If that includes cackling at jokes like, "Only my
wife calls me mister", it's out of the question.

- Who cackled?
- You did.

I did not cackle, I smiled.

It was a pretty cackly sort of smile, then.

If you go on like this, I'm going home.

If they go on like this, I'll be there before you.

I'm going to have a shower. I'm all sticky.

I actually stepped into a tiny patch of fresh air

between the air-conditioned limousine
and the air-conditioned hotel.

- God, give me strength.
- I heard that.

I hope God did.

(Shower running)

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- Hello.
- Hi. How can I help you?

I want to make a long-distance call to London.

Yes. London, England.

(Classical music)

Coffee, madam?

- It rather suits you, you know.
- You don't think it's too much?

No. No, I think that pink
is definitely your colour.

Oh!

Shift up.

- (Sighs)
- Well...

this is all very domesticated, isn't it?

Oh.

Wrong word?

I prefer...

cosy.

I wasn't dropping hints, you know.

I've tried domesticity twice.
It's not all it's cracked up to be.

Besides, if I was really after you,

I'd be a lot more subtle about it than that.

You see, my trouble is, Judy,
that I'm not sure that I'm after you.

Oh.

Or not.

Oh.

Gone very quiet, hasn't it?

- Yes, it has a bit.
- (Phone rings)

Hello.

Mum, how are you?

What?

You're phoning because Lionel's in the shower?
Why? Has he got stuck in there or something?

I don't want him to hear me.

Look, love, is Alistair with you?

- Why? Should he be?
- A sh*t in the dark.

Well, he is as a matter of fact.

We were just having coffee. Yes, we were.

I didn't say anything.
Could I have a word with him?

Of course. It's Mum for you.

Hi, lovely lady. How's sunny Cal?

- Alistair. It's a nightmare.
- What? All of it?

Well, no, mostly Lionel.

He and Cy are from different galaxies.
And now Cy's bringing in some other people.

Only three, but it could be hundreds
and Lionel's turning defensive.

- Downright rude, you mean?
- Well, pretty close.

And I'm not helping. I'm trying to compensate
and coming over as whingeing apologist.

I thought you'd be the dream team.

It's a nightmare. We need backup.

We need you.

Mm. Hold the fort.

(American accent) The cavalry is on its way.

Tell Judy to give you a big kiss from me.

I will, I will. Catch you later.

Thank you, Alistair.

Before you go, the lady I get my reward from
wants a quick word.

What reward?

What reward?

(Laughs) I see. Look, don't worry, Mum,
Alistair will sort everything out.

Yes. Love to Lionel.

Tell Alistair what?

Right. Bye.

Take care.

What are you smiling for?

Mum said that should you need a robe, there's
one of Lionel's hanging on their bedroom door.

Who were you talking to?

- When?
- Just now.

Oh, I was on the phone.

You didn't ring Cy to tell him
how funny his joke was, did you?

(Laughs) How did you know?

Who did you ring, then?

Er, room service. Yes, I er... I've ordered lunch.
Well, I thought we could eat it out there.

Oh, I see. Good idea.

Well, I'll say this for American service, it is
quick. Probably be here in about ten minutes.

Yes.

What did you order?

It's a surprise.

Oh.

I shall look forward to it, then.

- Oh, good.
- (They laugh)

- I think I'll have a quick shower before lunch.
- You'd better hurry up.

Yes.

Hello, room service?

I would like to order lunch. A very quick lunch.

Yes. Um...

We'd like er...

We...

Oh. I'll have to call you back.

- I forgot something.
- Oh.

- What did you forget?
- I've just remembered it's in here.

Room service? Yes, it's me again. (Coughs)

Yes, the me being Jean Pargetter in room 2305.

And this is me in the other room.

You didn't have to let me
go through that charade.

You didn't have to play it.

Why not just tell me that you phoned Alistair
in the first place?

Well, I just didn't want...

- How did you know I'd phoned Alistair?
- Simple deduction.

My first skirmish with Cy
wasn't the most auspicious of starts, was it?

So what would you do but rub the lamp
and summon the genie Alistair?

- If you're going to get...
- No, it's a very good idea.

- What?
- Let's face it, I need all the help I can get.

I only understand about one word in five
Cy utters.

I can understand two,
or even three, of Alistair's.

I'm sorry. I wouldn't have gone behind your back
if I'd thought you'd agree.

I see. No, I don't, but it doesn't matter.

- We'll do a better show in the second innings.
- We have to.

Now, what about this lunch?

Let's phone room service.

Well...

Oh, hello. Room service?
This is the English eccentrics in suite 2305.

We'd like to order some lunch.

- Alistair's not going to make it on time.
- I've been trying to work that out.

If he flew Concorde this morning,
he'd arrive in New York an hour before he left.

Which only leaves 3,000 miles
between New York and here.

What's the time difference between the coasts?

Well, if the sun... Oh, goodness knows.

One decaf and one blueberry muffin.

- I don't think we ordered that.
- No, your friend did.

- No, I didn't.
- Not you, sir. Your other friend.

This friend! Hi, lovely lady. Hi, Li.

- Alistair, I could almost love you at times.
- Oh, woof!

I wouldn't go that far,
but I am pleased to see you.

Which tab does the decaf and the muffin go on?

Oh, mine, and the coffees as well. Suite 2830.

Thank you, Mary Beth.
You did say your name was Mary Beth?

- Yes, I did.
- What a pretty name.

Thank you.

- You have a nice day.
- Hey. And you have a nice day too.

- When you've finished, Alistair.
- Ah, sorry.

- How did you get here?
- We got as far as Concorde to New York.

No, no, Li. Concorde to Barbados.
I have a mate there with a private jet.

Hopped over to Florida, called Cy to say hi,
then on American to LAX, chopper from there.

The obvious way to come.

Hey, we'd better roll. I'll fill you in in the limo,
but here's the big play. Agree.

Agree?

Well, it isn't a dirty word, Lionel.

You see, Li, they may throw us a few curves
before we get where we're going,

but when they do, bite the b*llet,
think of the money and agree.

All right, I'll do my best.

Perhaps we could buy a b*llet for him to bite on
on the way.

Everybody comfortable?

OK.

First, let me say how thrilled I am
that Alistair is able to sit in with us.

Also Josh and Lisa.

And of course, Stefan.

Let me also say, Jean and Lionel, that what
we have here, your great love story, is a project

we all think can ultimately be developed
into a... a...

- Stunning.
...stunning miniseries.

- Oh, good.
- Good.

We are very excited, Cy.

Now, as I said, we love this.

But first, let Josh and Lisa tell you
of a very few minor alterations to the story

you might like to take on board. Josh, Lisa.

Now, we'll call the lead characters
Lionel and Jean for the moment.

For the purposes of simplification.

Now, Lionel is a young British officer
and Jean is a young British nurse.

- We were.
- Oh, right, but here's the first curve.

You don't meet in London at all.

You meet in Korea
when Lionel is sh*t in the head.

- Not fatally, you understand.
- Or we don't have a story.

Quite.

No. The b*llet just grazes his temple,
but causes a complete memory loss.

It is now that he meets Jean.

Whom he doesn't know
because they've never met.

- Oh, am I in Korea?
- (Lisa) Of course.

- As a nurse.
- Of course.

So it's Jean who nurses him, Jean he falls
in love with when they return to England,

and Jean he marries.

But then Lionel is involved
in a sh**ting accident.

- Maybe grouse sh**ting, uh?
- Ooh.

- We haven't firmed on that yet.
- Either way, he's wounded in the head.

And he regains his memory.

(Lisa) Right!

His memory restored,

Lionel forgets Jean and returns
to what he had planned to do after the army.

He goes to Kenya, Africa, to plant coffee.

Do I know where he's gone?

No, but Jean finds out and follows him to Kenya,
where she takes a job as his secretary.

Remember, Lionel still doesn't know who she is.

This has me by the throat.

- Me too.
- I agree.

- Is there going to be another accident?
- You're right.

Jean is bitten by a snake.

A poisonous snake.

The nearest serum is 50 miles away
through the bush. Lionel drives off in his jeep.

- And has an accident?
- (Lisa) Right again.

Maybe we could roll the jeep,
have a head-on collision with a rhinoceros.

(Laughs) Well, we haven't firmed on that yet.

But, and this is the but...

the accident makes Lionel regain his memory.

It makes him remember who he is,
makes him remember who Jean is.

Not his secretary.

No. The woman he loves.

The girl he's been married to all this time.

Hurt though he is,

Lionel gets the serum,

gets back to Jean and saves her from death.

End.

Mike?

I have to think about this.

- I think it's brilliant.
- So do I.

- Alistair?
- Incredible.

Lionel?

I think...

- I think it's very good indeed.
- And Jean?

I think it's the biggest load of claptrap
I've ever heard in the whole of my life.

It's Random Harvest, a m*nled version.
It's Ronald Colman and Greer Garson.

Take out the snake and Lionel being sh*t
every five minutes and there's nothing in it.

There's not an original thought in it. There's
no truth in it. We were true, we are true!

- That's what we thought you wanted.
- That's what I should have said.

- Cy Liebermann. I'm going to k*ll you!
- Harry!

- Who's he?
- A writer.

- Listen...
- No, you listen.

You cancelled my series, Cy.

You never gave it a chance.

Now you don't get a chance. I'm gonna k*ll you.

The rest of you, hit the floor now!

Now I said!

No, this is a new dress.

And we were just building up
to a damn good row, so just wait your turn.

And in the meantime...

don't be so...

hysterical.

- (Sobs)
- (Jean) Oh.

Poor man.

An unusual sort of day.

Yes. I wonder what happened to Harry?

Last time I heard, he was being hospitalised.

Probably in a home for bewildered writers.

Must be jam-packed in there.

Lionel, did you know that g*n
was only a replica?

No, it was you saying you had a new dress on,
it just made me angry.

- I got angry with Josh and Lisa, didn't I?
- Somewhat.

Ironic. I get Alistair over here to keep you calm
and I'm the one that does her nut.

I thought you did it beautifully.

- (Knock at door)
- Probably Josh and Lisa and a machine g*n.

Li, you will be the talking point of every eatery
in LA this evening.

"Hero Brit saves Cy of CBS."

I was trying to save Jean's dress.

It doesn't read as well.
Hello, Alistair, how is everybody?

Stefan is in shock.

Mike is angling for a spot on the evening news,

Cy is watching a rerun of Random Harvest,

Josh and Lisa are with him
slipping lower into their seats.

Why are you guys packing?

- We're going.
- Before we're deported.

No way, Jose. Li, you have a deal.

- It's pay or play.
- You mean if I won't play, they won't pay?

No, no, no.
Li, you get to write the first scripts your way.

And you get paid whether
they ultimately use them or not.

Er...

I think Lionel is trying to say why?

The dream team. You, Jean, by setting
a precedent by actually saying what you think,

and you, Li, by just happening to save Cy's life.

- I told you, I was trying to save...
- Jean's dress. Yes, I know.

But Cy doesn't see it that way
and who am I to disabuse him?

Lastly and modestly, I happened to drop a hint
that NBC are also very hot on the same project.

We won. We actually won.

- Not the w*r, just the battle.
- We'll settle for the battle.

As for fleeing the country, hey,
Cy says you stay as long as you like.

- We'll go home tomorrow, then, shall we?
- Yes.

- A drizzly day in Holland Park.
- What?

- That's Lionel's new book.
- Why don't I know about this?

- I don't know about this. She made it up.
- Nice title, though.

- Right. Dinner's on me this evening.
- Oh.

I know, I know, I know.
But I promise, the place is quiet,

the food is good,
I can be very discreet by 10:30,

and they speak a language
we can all understand. Romanian.

(They laugh)

Catch you later.

- There's got to be a snag in all this.
- No. Your Cy's flavour of the month.

Yeah, but it's the 27th.

- Ooh!
- I'm sorry, did I hurt you?

I was only mucking about.

- Oooh.
- Oh.

Are you all right?

Who are you?

I don't know who you are.

Think of me as Greer Garson.

(They laugh)

♪ You must remember this

♪ A kiss is still a kiss

♪ A sigh is just a sigh

♪ The fundamental things apply

♪ As time goes by

♪ And when two lovers woo

♪ They still say I love you

♪ On that you can rely

♪ The world will always welcome lovers

♪ As time goes by ♪