04x01 - A House Full of Women

[bunniefuu]

♪ You must remember this

♪ A kiss is still a kiss

♪ A sigh is just a sigh

♪ The fundamental things apply

♪ As time goes by ♪

- Not today, thank you.
- Hey! It's me.

Oh, so it is. I'm so sorry, I didn't recognise you.

I thought you were a brush salesman.

Nobody could seriously take me
for a brush salesman now, could they?

I was just trying my hand
at a little gentle sarcasm.

Yes, I know, but a brush salesman? (Laughs)

Where's Big L?

Upstairs. Big J's upstairs as well.
Do you want to see them?

No, it's little J I came to see.

Oh. I'm deeply flattered.

Now, now, now. Let's not get back
into brush salesman territory.

The thing is...

how would you like to toss a coin
into the Trevi Fountain, Rome, Italy, tonight?

- I'd never reach.
- No. (Laughs)

No, I mean as we stroll past the Trevi Fountain
on our way to dinner.

You're inviting me to dinner tonight in Rome?

Yeah, and you know what they say -
see Rome and dine.

Right. Well, I'd better just...

Alistair, is this a romantic thought...

or is this an afterthought?

Well, a romantic thought, naturally.

OK, I have to see a guy this afternoon.

He can write but he's boring, as in, "Goodness,
I wish I could sleep with my eyes open."

But if I have this night to look forward to...

Er, Judith, sitting down is not a positive move.

- Enjoy your spaghetti.
- You're kidding, right?

(Alistair laughs)

You're not kidding.

OK.

Whatever.

- See you, then.
- See you, Alistair.

Oh, and if you do throw a coin
into the Trevi Fountain,

be careful you don't fall in after it, won't you?

Hm!

Oh, hello, Dolly.

What a state you're in. Not a grey hair, though.

- Who are you talking to?
- Dolly.

Bit childish, isn't it, calling it a dolly?

She's not an it. Dolly is her name.

Oh. What are you doing?

Well, I'm having a clear-out.

- Is everything all right?
- Yes, why shouldn't it be?

In my experience, women have a clear-out
when they're depressed or worried.

- Is that a fact?
- Yes.

You must have known some peculiar women.

I suppose I'm thinking of my ex-wife.

I'm not having a clear-out to compensate for
not having triplets or being on the board of ICI.

I'm having a clear-out so we can turn this room
into an office for you.

Oh! I see.

Yes. Not peculiar at all.
It'll make quite a nice little office, actually.

What'll we do with the bed?

Just push it into a corner.

Then when you work yourself into a state of
nervous exhaustion, you can fall onto it.

- No, I think it'll have to go.
- You don't have to suffer for your art.

No, I'm thinking of my secretary,
the chattering Mrs Flack.

I don't think I can work with Mrs Flack
in a room with a bed.

This has nothing to do with,
"I'm a man and she's a woman"?

- In a general sense, yes.
- Lionel, drag yourself into the 20th century.

I bet you wouldn't be so cavalier about it
if Daisy was my secretary again.

You'd have that bed out
before you could say Jack Robinson.

Are you gonna help?

If it was Daisy, you'd take
the door off its hinges as well.

- Lionel!
- All right, all right, I'll help.

- What do you want me to do?
- Will you drag that box out?

If this is gonna be my office,
why are we emptying the wardrobe?

Well, just the bottom.
To make some storage space.

What are you going to do with the boxes?

- Put them somewhere else.
- Where?

- Just drag that box out, will you?
- (Mutters)

- Mind your back.
- Right.

Ooh, I see what you mean.

- What have we got in here, cannon balls?
- Goodness knows.

Oh, now why would I have kept him?

Goodness knows.

- He's horrible.
- That's what I mean.

Oh, a sort-out.

- I love a good sort-out.
- Yes, they're terribly exciting, aren't they?

- Is he being difficult?
- Just a nuisance.

Look, do you remember? Is he yours?

- Mum, credit me with some taste.
- (Phone rings)

Oh, would you go, love?
It might be some time before we get up.

- Yeah, sure.
- Oh.

Don't hold her like that!

I wonder where he did come from.

Perhaps he's Dolly's love child.

Is there room in that cupboard under the stairs?

- It's jam-packed.
- I had a feeling it might be.

- Who was that on the phone?
- Sandy. I'm popping round to see her.

- Is everything all right?
- Yeah, fine.

- No, Judy, really?
- Mum.

Everything is fine.

- What's fine?
- That was Sandy on the phone.

Judy's gone straight round to see her.
She says that everything's all right.

- Well, good.
- You don't believe her, do you?

Where does this go, then?

Oh, I don't know now.

I'll just walk about with it.

- Oh, let's go and have a coffee.
- A better idea altogether.

- There's no room in there, then.
- I don't want junk in here.

- Where you keep your junk?
- In the spare bedroom.

I've just taken it from the spare bedroom.

Will you stop being helpful
and just drink your coffee?

- You gonna throw that thing away?
- Certainly not.

- (Grunts in disgust)
- Oh.

- You just said it was horrible.
- Well, he is.

You can't just throw him away.
He must mean something.

Take the direct route. Ask him.

One of these days, I...

Oh.

I remember.

It was the first year David and I were married.

Hmph.

You know what newlyweds are like,
always giving each other presents.

- Margaret and I didn't.
- Oh, well, we did. Any excuse.

We even had a "give each other
a really awful present" day.

- Really?
- Mm.

David gave me that.

- What did you give him?
- I don't remember.

Oh, yes, I do.

A really hideous tie with a naked lady on it.

Hm.

- I'll throw it away.
- No, you shouldn't do that.

- It's like erasing something.
- I'm not erasing anything.

It's bad enough sticking
David's picture in a drawer.

You do that with Margaret.

But I've kept her in a drawer for years.

And she's alive.

And David's dead, Lionel.

- And you loved him.
- Yes.

I don't know why this is bubbling all the time
just below the surface?

I don't know what it is that bothers you.

I can't help feeling that I'm living in his house.

Well, to be strictly accurate, you are.

And sleeping with his wife.

Oh, Lionel. He's not a ghost.

You make it sound as if he materialises
every night at the bottom of the bed.

"Be gone, Lionel Hardcastle! Get out of that bed
and leave my wife alone!"

- You are prone to exaggeration.
- Well, you're always going on about it.

Honestly, I wish I'd never found him now.

- The clear-out was your idea.
- Yes, for your benefit.

- Let's change the subject.
- Good idea.

She was very pretty, wasn't she, Daisy?

- Not that subject.
- No.

- Can you change that?
- Yep.

- Thank you.
- That's for you.

- Thank you very much.
- OK.

Well, come on, I'm not carrying everything.

I'm not sure this is a good idea.

It's only while you look for another place.

What else are you gonna do,
rent a box in cardboard city?

There now. Now that hardly looks like
a bed at all now, does it?

- It does to me.
- That's cos you know it's a bed.

Personally, I don't think it will inflame
Mrs Flack's passion one tiny bit.

I didn't mention Mrs Flack's passion.

If your passion's out of control
there's nothing I can do.

- (Judith) Mum!
- We're up here, love.

- Could you come down a minute? Sandy's here.
- Oh, OK!

What did I say?

- I said that something was wrong.
- You haven't spoken to her yet.

If you were a woman, you'd understand.

If I were a woman,

I wouldn't be worrying about me being with
Mrs Flack in a room with a bed in it.

- Hello, Sandy.
- Oh.

- Where are you going?
- Going?

- Nowhere. Why should you say that?
- The luggage in the hall.

Ah, yes. Well, you see, erm...

Sandy's had another row with Nick
and walked out.

- Judy, I should be telling this.
- Sorry.

Well...

I've had another row with Nick and walked out.

I see.

Well, let's sit down.

And you want to stay here
while you find a place of your own?

Oh. Everybody's saying what I should be saying.

This is embarrassing. May I phone for a cab?

No, you may not. Of course you can stay here.

You can sleep in the...

- Of course you can stay here.
- Thanks, boss.

Mum, what about Lionel?
I think that he should be consulted.

Oh, yes. He may hate the idea.

- Lionel?
- Yes.

- Go and call him down, Judy.
- Right.

- No tears?
- No, not this time.

I've had enough.

Nick blows too hot and cold for me.

There's no permanence in it.

No feeling of safety.

And I'm becoming a safety sort of person.

I must be getting old.

Oh, poor old soul.

- Here he is.
- Oh.

- Hello, Lionel.
- Morning, Sandy.

- A companionable silence.
- What?

I understand there are such things,
but this isn't one of them.

Right. Well, the long and the short of it is...
that Sandy has walked out on her boyfriend.

I see.

So how would you feel about her
coming to live here for a while?

I think I'm in an untenable position.

Why?

Because you're all obviously in favour of it.
Why consult me?

- Common courtesy.
- Ah.

Right. (Sniffs) Well, you've all been commonly
courteous but it's not really any of my business.

Welcome, Sandy.

- Look, I told you he wouldn't mind.
- May I ring for that cab?

Stop going on about ringing for a cab.

You know Lionel,
he's not an effusive sort of man.

- He likes you.
- But here?

- You heard what he said. "Welcome, Sandy."
- Which translates as, "Clear off."

- He'll come round.
- Yes, he will.

- I'll have a word.
- No!

- I don't want another row.
- Who said anything about a row?

- Your expression did.
- Look, I'll talk to him.

- Not even a quieter row.
- Well, that leaves you.

Look, I know you, Sandy.

You won't be happy here without
Lionel's blessing, even if we don't need it.

- You can get round him.
- I don't want to get round him.

I'm not in the mood for getting round anybody.
If I may just use your phone...

If she touches that phone, restrain her.

Well, that was a display.

- It's a bed, not a person.
- I meant downstairs.

Talk about bad grace.

I thought I took it rather well, considering.

Well, what does considering mean?

It was like having a bucket of water poured
over you and then being asked if you minded.

Oh, so you're comparing Sandy
to a bucket of water?

- It was a metaphor.
- Oh, very high-flown. Very literary.

You know what I mean. I have no say in
the matter so what I think is of no importance.

That's positively petulant.

Come on, what do you think?

Well...

I like Sandy, I really do.

But another woman living in the house.

There'd be women everywhere.

I don't function well
with masses of women about.

Three is not a mass.

Anyway, come Monday, we'll all go to work.

The only mass of woman you'll have
is Mrs Flack.

- Well, I know what I mean.
- I do too.

Very well.

- What are you doing?
- I'm turning this room back into an office.

- Oh, don't be silly.
- Just get out of the way, please.

- Don't be silly.
- Don't call me silly. Just get out of the way.

- No.
- Oh, very well. You've asked for it.

You're wasting your time
because I'm much stronger than you.

Oh, really? Well...

Ow! My shin.

- Are you all right?
- Ha, ha, ha!

- You cheat!
- All's fair in love and w*r.

- Which is this?
- A bit of both, I expect.

- You.
- You.

(Laughs)

Oh! Pax.

Pax?! (Laughs)

- What's going on?
- What was all the banging about?

Well, we were, erm...

We were...

Just getting Sandy's room ready.

- So why all the noise?
- A bit of horseplay.

We get like that when we move things around.

Look, Lionel.

I know my coming here was a bit of a cheek.

And it was my idea.

Which was a bit of a cheek.

And if you don't want me here, I do understand.

Ah...

Sandy will just have to find
somewhere else to stay.

Why are we all sitting on the bed?

He's feeling hemmed in.

I'll bring Sandy's luggage up.

Oh, only if you're really sure.

- I'm not doing it all by myself.
- He's sure.

There are a couple of house rules.

You're not to walk around with no clothes on

and not too many tights
hanging in the bathroom.

And don't try and be cheerful with Lionel
before breakfast. He doesn't do that.

- Are we getting the luggage or being sarcastic?
- Getting the luggage.

Absolutely.

(Jean) Lionel?

Thanks.

You can help if you like.

No thanks.

I mean, I'm not one of those gardeners
who actually likes to work alone.

No, no, no, you carry on. I'm fine.

I thought you might like a glass of beer.

Oh, what a good idea. Thank you.

There you are, then.

Oh, and Sandy wants to know
if you'd like some crisps.

Oh, no, thanks. No, the beer's fine.

OK.

- You're sitting there like Brigham Young.
- He had a big beard.

Well... Some old sultan, then.

Abu ben Hardcastle.

- I think I deserve a bit of pampering.
- Oh, do you?

Giving up my office.

Well, you weren't that keen on it
in the first place.

It'll be chaos in the morning,
everybody using the bathroom.

Well, you're not doing anything.
Make out a roster.

I might just do that.

Then clap your hands and somebody will bring
you pen and paper.

Where are you going?

Well, as nobody brought me a drink out,
I thought I'd get one for myself.

(Jean) Sandy! I'm not sure
about sunbathing in that.

(Choking) Hello, Sandy.

(Sandy) I'm quite respectable.

- She didn't take me in, you know.
- No.

- Do you mind if I sit down?
- Course not. Why ask?

However nice it is,

it's not yours, is it?

No.

I should never have moved in with Nick.

That wasn't mine either.

I left my own flat to do that.

Did you?

We should have got a flat together.

May have made a difference, I don't know.
What do you think?

- Because I did the same thing?
- No.

I mean, because you're older and more settled.

You think of Jean and I as being...

settled?

Of course. Don't you?

Oh. Yes. Yes, of course I do.

- You don't look very happy about it.
- This is my normal expression.

I shouldn't have brought it up. (Sighs)

- I wasn't talking about you.
- No, I know.

But the situations aren't really that different.

I mean, I'm a different sex
and several hundred years older

but the situations aren't that far apart.

I think I'd better go somewhere else.

- You've only just moved in.
- I just meant to a different part of the house.

Oh!

Oh.

(Lionel) I think I'll just pop out
for a swift half.

Oh, right.

(Laughs) You'll never get all those back in,
you know.

It's a sort of rule. If you unpack a cardboard
box, the stuff will never go back in again.

- I shall be throwing some of it away.
- Oh, yes?

- What are you up to?
- Lionel would like us to go for a swift half.

- No, thanks, Lionel.
- No, thanks, Lionel.

What about you... darling?

Erm...

No, thank you.

I'll see you all later, then.

And don't say, "Did you see
the relief on his face?"

Look what I've found.

Oh!

Don't start her off. She'll get out
the baby pictures next. Me nude on the rug.

- Yes, they're in some album somewhere...
- Er, Mum.

Another time, Sandy.

- Well, what do you want to tell me?
- She's psychic.

- It's unnerving.
- Less of the "she". What is it?

- We've got talking.
- It's only an idea.

Since Sandy's looking for a flat,

we thought we might look together,
you know, share.

Oh, I see.

- I mean, we get on.
- Most of the time.

- Most of the time.
- And now that you've got Lionel...

Oh, I don't like that tag.
Whether I've got Lionel or not,

I'm not some old biddy
that has to be looked after.

- (Whispers)
- Well, another thing to consider...

I don't have to consider anything, love.
It's your life.

Well, it's your lives.

And if you think you can get on with each other
without driving each other mad, go for it.

Look in the paper. Give yourselves
some idea of what you're talking about.

Lionel had it in the garden. I'll get it.

Hmph. I shall miss you, Mum.

Oh, don't get maudlin. You haven't moved yet.

I wonder what Alistair will say.

I don't care what he says.

Alistair's idea of playing house
is having women move in with him.

And I'm not doing that, even if he asks.

I think arrangements like that
are best on a 50-50 basis.

Yes.

Not that that applies
to you and Lionel of course.

- No, no, of course.
- I mean, that is a totally different thing.

Yes, I know.

- It is, Mum.
- Yes, I know, I know.

(Sighs)

- Oh, we were going to cook dinner.
- You can do it tomorrow.

It's more of a rush on a weekday.

More suited to the younger cook.

- I'll clear away, then.
- No, don't do that.

Lionel has to load the dishwasher.
He says he's the only one that does it properly.

You can't even put a teaspoon in
without him tutting and moving it.

Talking of Lionel, I think it's time
we had our swift half.

Now, that's a really good idea.

The glasses are in that cupboard, Sandy.

- Any flats in the paper?
- Well, we've ringed some.

There is one really brilliant one.

There.

- There's a drawback, though.
- It's in the Lake District.

Ha! Rather a rush to get to work
in the mornings.

- Belgrave Square?
- Ah.

That was fantasy time.

That one's realism time.

Overpriced realism.

Yes, well, realism is these days.

- Aren't there any more over the page?
- No, they're all houses.

Then why have some of them been ringed?

- I didn't do that.
- No, nor did I.

These cardboard boxes have travelled
round a bit today, haven't they?

Perhaps they'll think of it as an outing.

I thought everyone seemed
very quiet during dinner.

Lost in admiration for my shepherd's pie,
presumably.

- You've been quiet all evening.
- I didn't notice.

- All right, what's the matter?
- Who says anything's the matter?

Whenever I get into bed and you do that,
there's something the matter.

Nothing's the matter.

Did you do this?

Well, it didn't come like that, did it?

I mean, why did you do this?

Well, I was at that page
so I just passed the time

circling the sort of place we might move to
if we decided to move.

- So you want to move?
- It's not a matter of pressing urgency.

- What is it a matter of?
- Consideration, that's all.

It does no harm to think about it.

You see...

- if we got a place of our own...
- We've got a place of our own.

(Scoffs) Hardly our.

Look, it won't go away, will it?

You've got it into your head
that you're some kind of lodger.

We're supposed to be
what Alistair calls an item.

- That place in Kent looks nice.
- There's no reason to move.

- Not immediately, no.
- You mean it can wait till tomorrow?

No, I mean it's something we might talk about
later at some time, that's all.

Hm.

What time will the girls be home?

Are you gonna call them into your study and
give them a good wigging for staying out late?

I can't really.

Sandy sleeps in my study.

- Remember The Waltons?
- I don't know any Waltons.

- Yes, that television series.
- Oh, that lot. What about them?

When we say good night tonight
it'll be like them,

"Good night, good night,
good night, good night."

We could get over that by going to sleep.

Unless you've something else under your pillow
to confront me with.

- As a matter of fact, I have.
- Oh, God.

Not that confront is the right word.

Do I get to see what's there
or is it 20 Questions?

Ta-da! These.

- They're letters.
- You're quick.

- I'm not interested in other people's letters.
- They're not other people's.

They're the letters you wrote to me
before you got posted to Korea.

Good Lord. You kept them all these years?

- (Jean chuckles)
- "Nurses' Home, Middlesex Hospital."

My writing was much clearer, then, wasn't it?

Quite flowery, actually.

- May I?
- Well, they're half yours.

"My darling Pooh."

Yes, this one starts like that as well.

- You didn't show these to anybody?
- Oh, certainly not.

- "I miss you terribly."
- That's how mine starts.

What's the date on yours?

August 16th 1954.

Mine's August 14th 1954.

Two whole days apart.

These must have been a few weeks
after we first met.

- Didn't you keep any of the earlier ones?
- Oh, no.

They started "Dear Jean"
and ended up "Yours sincerely."

Pushy devil, wasn't I?

Your first one ended up "Yours faithfully."

- I only kept the smoulderers.
- Ah.

I can't believe I wrote
anything very smouldering.

I mean, in those days, you...

Good grief.

- What?
- Well, look what I wrote.

Ooh!

- Ooh, that's very smouldering.
- Yes, it is, isn't it?

Oh. There's nothing like that in here.

Here you refer to the warmth of my kisses
but it's not in the same league.

Ooh!

The question arises, what happened
between the 14th of August 1954

and the 16th of August 1954?

We stumbled across a dear little hotel
in Chalfont St Giles.

Oh, yes, of course. That's it.

- May I have it back?
- Oh! (Laughs)

This gets positively lurid!

- Yes, for the 1950s.
- For the 1990s!

Did you keep any of my letters?

Pardon?

You didn't, did you?

Well, I meant to, but, you know, you...

- you travel very lightly in the army.
- Oh, yes.

You don't want to weigh your kitbag down
with heavy things like letters.

Oh, it's all right. Women tend to be soppier
than men about things like letters.

Not that you kept yours in a special place,
stuffed in an old cardboard box.

I knew where they were!

I don't really have a case, do I?

It doesn't matter.

I'd quite like to read
the rest of those sometime.

Well, we'll have a good wallow one evening.

You're on.

(Sighs heavily)

Why the sigh?

It was less complicated then.

It seems such a long time ago now.

Yes, it does, doesn't it?

Good night.

Good night.

♪ You must remember this

♪ A kiss is still a kiss

♪ A sigh is just a sigh

♪ The fundamental things apply

♪ As time goes by

♪ And when two lovers woo

♪ They still say I love you

♪ On that you can rely

♪ The world will always welcome lovers

♪ As time goes by ♪