05x07 - Showered with Gifts

[bunniefuu]

♪ You must remember this

♪ A kiss is still a kiss

♪ A sigh is just a sigh

♪ The fundamental things apply

♪ As time goes by ♪

- You have put the eggs on top?
- Of course I have.

If you bring any back cracked,
it won't be my fault. It'll be that thing.

I'll have you know that that "thing"

has not had one mechanical failure
since 1959.

I'm not talking about the engine,
I'm talking about the way you drive it.

I have never driven
over the island of a roundabout.

It wasn't me, that was Dolly Parton.

Oh, so she was driving
your Skoda that evening?

She was on the radio. I got distracted.

Thank goodness she wasn't
in the car with you.

You'd have hit every signpost
from here to Winchester.

When are you coming out with me, then?

When the moon turns to cheese.
I did ask for strawberries didn't I?

Yeah, they're on the top with the eggs.

You've got people coming
for the weekend, haven't you?

How very perceptive of you.

- Do you want a hand up?
- Certainly not!

Goodbye, Mr Wells.

Bye, Mrs Bale.

It'll be the young Mr and Mrs Hardcastle
coming down then, will it?

Goodbye, Mr Wells.

I'll bet it will be them.

Well, we'll be ready for 'em.

I don't see why you don't
come with us now.

What? Like this? We'd let the side down.

Contrary to male opinion, women
can get ready quickly if they want to.

Mum, you have been up
for the last two hours.

I had to get Lionel organised.

- He was ready long before you.
- Cos I got him organised.

Mum, we'll come down later
as we arranged.

"Be with you in a minute," you said.

It occurred to me
the girls could come down with us now.

- I don't think that's a good idea.
- You haven't gone off us?

I've packed the car, jam-packed actually.
You couldn't get a teaspoon in there.

It's just a few odds and ends
of things I need.

You do exaggerate sometimes.

I don't know where all these
odds and ends come from.

Nothing seems to disappear from here.

I have a secret cellar, if you must know.

It wouldn't surprise me.

- What are you doing?
- Pouring myself a mug of coffee.

- I'm ready to go.
- You were nattering when I came in.

I was trying to persuade
the girls to come with us.

We can't do, because we're not ready.

And also, we don't fancy
travelling on the roof rack.

So, shall I have this coffee or what?

- I've told you, I'm ready to go.
- Right.

Mum, you are sure that
you want us to stay for the weekend?

We wouldn't have asked otherwise.

You asked. Lionel does know about this,
doesn't he?

Of course he does. He said, "Fine."

Yes, there are ways
of saying fine, aren't there?

I mean you can say, "Fine!"

Or you can say, "Fine."

- You haven't even stood up!
- Will you settle a point?

When I suggested
the girls and Alistair come down,

did you say, "Fine!" or "Fine"?

- I said, "If you like."
- Oh.

You know how to make
a girl feel wanted, Lionel.

Well, as a matter of fact, you'll all be
very welcome. We're not popular there.

- We only antagonised half the village.
- So far.

Are we ready to go now?

I think I'll just have
another cup of coffee.

We've got that Dutch station again.

Doesn't seem to pick up
anything in English.

- Try looking for a Dutch station.
- It might just work.

French any good?

♪ Everyday, it's a-gettin' closer

♪ Goin' faster than a roller coaster

♪ Love like yours will...

♪ Surely come my way

♪ A-hey, a-hey, hey... ♪

They're coming.

Willie! They're coming!

Mr Willis, they're coming!

♪ Love like yours will
surely come my way

♪ A hey, a hey, hey... ♪

Mr Dunn!

Mr Hardy, they're coming!

♪ Loves a little stronger,
come what may... ♪

Helen, they're coming.

♪ True love from me... ♪

Mr Dunn, they're coming.

♪ It's a-gettin' closer

♪ Goin' faster than a roller coaster

♪ Love like yours will
surely come my way

♪ A-hey, a-hey, hey... ♪

- What's going on?
- I hope it's not a lynch mob.

Reverse.

I'm not driving backwards
to the crossroads.

Now, just keep calm and try
to avoid eye contact.

Look pleasant.

We may have antagonised
half the village

but we're well in with the other half.

I thought you waved very regally
as we drove away.

Yes, to tell the truth I felt rather regal.

Well, I haven't been
showered with gifts since...

Well, I've never
been showered with gifts.

I might have a cr*ck at this cider later.

You'll be flat on your back
for the rest of the weekend.

How did Mr Wells describe it?

"Tastier than nitroglycerine
but with much the same effect."

I still don't know why all this, though.

- They said thanks for everything.
- But what?

Our mere presence.

- That's not very likely, is it?
- Not hardly.

- Someone's left a firkin on the doorstep.
- Is that good or bad?

Very good. It's a barrel of ale.

What is going on, Mrs Bale?

Don't you see?
The other week at that barbecue,

when you put those parvenus
in their place,

word got out and it went down well
with the rest of the village.

They're showing appreciation.

It hardly warrants all this.
All we did was speak our minds.

Word has it, Mrs Hardcastle, that you
threatened to set the dogs on them.

Yes, I did, but as we haven't got
any dogs, it was rather an empty thr*at.

What about Mr Hardcastle
throwing somebody over a hedge?

I did no such thing.

I suggested he might
if he was sufficiently enraged.

- I can't throw people over hedges.
- They didn't know that.

According to the butcher,
you threw two people over the hedge.

How many did Jean throw over it?

- I have no hearsay on that.
- That's a relief.

Mr Norris in the post office
is telling everyone

you put out their barbecue
with a fire extinguisher.

No, I did nothing of the sort.

- Who started all these wild stories?
- You, Mrs Bale?

I refute that allegation
with every fibre of my being.

- Well, who then?
- I must pick some herbs.

Mrs Bale?

There's something about this place.

We leave London
as sane, reasonable people,

half an hour later we're
Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid.

What else are we supposed
to have done?

Well, somebody's started all this.

Mm. Whoever it is
has a warped sense of humour

and no regard for the truth whatsoever.

Oh, God.

You ought to be ashamed of yourselves,
the pair of you.

Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid.
That's a good one.

You're both old enough to know better.

Piffle! If you ever think
you're old enough to know better,

you ought to have yourself put down.

- There's some sense in that.
- No, there isn't.

Why spread all these wild stories?

We didn't spread them at all.

We may not have discouraged
anyone from believing them.

I keep asking. Why?

It does no harm to be held
in a little esteem, does it?

Not as a couple of tearaways.

Perhaps it did get a little out of hand, but
you know what small communities are.

You sneeze at one end of the village.

By the time the story gets to the other,
you're dying of pneumonia.

Isn't there a way to get it back into hand?

You surprise me, Jean Pargetter.
That's a very dull thought.

Your husband is now known
as the people's champion.

I don't want to be. Leave it to Nigel Benn.

He's as nutty as a fruitcake.

He was going on about
forming a people's militia

to guard the factories a few years ago.

Not Tony Benn. Nigel Benn, the boxer.

- How does he figure in all this?
- He doesn't.

Lionel is simply saying
all we wanted here was a quiet life.

Not a lot to ask.

So we got drawn into
that so-called county set.

- Yahoos.
- Agreed.

But when we found that out,
we told them... Well...

- We told them what we thought of them.
- That's all.

We didn't throw people over hedges
or go berserk with a fire extinguisher.

- We know that, dear.
- Could you let the village know it?

I shouldn't think so.
They prefer the juicier version.

- Human nature.
- Think of the new friends you've made.

It can sometimes take years
in a village to do that.

- You're wavering.
- Rocky has a point.

The wind is veering
northeast in the Irish Sea.

- I'm lying of course.
- Why would you do that, Mrs Bale?

I've already been called
an inveterate liar once today.

I just thought you might
have started those rumours.

And we're very contrite.

Mrs Bale. Come down off your high
horse, or I'll give you a good tickling.

Very well. I accept your apology.

I am, as always, telling the truth when
I say that the young people have arrived.

Oh, jolly!

Mum, what on earth is going on?

I'll tell you over lunch, a long one.

- Big Tom, he said his name was.
- Who did?

The guy who asked us
to deliver this piglet.

Oh!

Oh, Mum, please let's keep him.

Oh, he's so sweet.

I know he's sweet, but I'm not keeping
a piglet in Holland Park.

Lionel can build
a little house for him in the garden.

He's only tiny.

Whatever happened
to elementary biology?

He'll grow.
Tell them about keeping a pig.

You've got to be practical.

Fatten him up and he'll
fill your freezer one day.

- Freezer?
- Oh, no.

It's what happens to pigs.

We can't do that. We've met him now.

Well, it isn't a social thing, dear.

I shall be serving lunch in...

58 and a half minutes.

Oh, thank you.

Mrs Bale, you wouldn't look after
the pig for us, would you?

In a word, no.

I gladly embrace a wide range of duties
but tending livestock is not one of them.

We could have him at the cottage
but we're away such a lot.

Yes, you can hardly expect
a pig to self-cater.

Mum?

I'll think of something.

Funny, I hadn't envisaged
carting a piglet about today.

It's your fault for
becoming the local hero.

Put him down for a bit.

- Oh, Mr Ferris.
- Ah, good morning.

- Good morning.
- Morning, Mr Ferris.

We brought the piglet back.
We can't really keep him.

It's just not practical. We can hardly take
him for walks in the park, can we?

Oh, dear, Big Tom will be upset.

- He won't be offended, will he?
- No offence, but having a gift rejected...

He may be six foot eight,
but he's got feelings.

We're not rejecting the gift,
we just want somebody to look after him.

We'll sponsor him, of course.

- Sponsor him?
- Pay for his keep and education.

Lionel. It's the girls, you see. They'd love
to visit him from time to time.

- They've even given him a name.
- A name?

- Roland.
- Roland?

It's a nice name, isn't it?

I never really thought
of a pig having a name.

So, would you look after him?

Yes, of course I will.
I've got an orchard round the back.

He'll be as happy as a pig in...

- An orchard?
- An orchard, that's it.

Just one more thing. We don't want him
turned into... bacon or sausages.

Just keep him, you mean?

As a pet, really.

Lol Ferris keeping a pig
called Roland as a pet?

Wait till word gets round...

- There'll be laughs about that.
- We know it's not the country way.

- We know we're townies.
- Don't get that wrong.

The townies we don't like
are the sort that come here

claiming they like the country life and
then do their damn silly best to spoil it.

Like that lot you sorted out.

We just had a row.

Whatever you've done,
they've kept a very low profile ever since.

That suits all of us. Look around you,
there's not much wrong with it, is there?

No, there isn't.

Well, now, I'd ask you in for a cup of tea
but mother's cutting her toenail.

Oh, well, we'll leave her to it, then.

- Thank you for looking after Roland.
- Don't you worry.

Funny name for a sow.

It had to be pork for lunch, hadn't it?

I just pushed mine
round and round the plate.

I kept thinking of Roland's little face.

Roland's fine. Lol's mother will probably
knit him a little sweater for the winter.

But I wanted to talk to you.

I'm sorry, young fella, we're doing
a time trial on the tandem this afternoon.

We'll have a natter
down the pub this evening.

You're all coming, aren't you?

It's not
a country-and-western night, is it?

There are times when I despair of you.
No, it's not.

See you all this evening. Hang loose.

Bye!
Good luck!

Time trial on a tandem.

I don't expect it will be a fast time trial.

The timekeeper will probably
use a grandfather clock.

It's a lovely afternoon. I think I'm gonna
slip into a bikini and catch some sun.

Good idea. I think I'll join you.

- I'd rather you didn't.
- Alistair, are you feeling unwell?

I thought you'd be out with three towels.

I just wanted everyone to hear my idea.

You see, Lionel was telling me earlier
how this house is a white elephant,

and I have had an idea.

This isn't really
any of my business, so I'll...

You've met our mad relatives
and haven't flinched.

- You're part of the family now.
- Oh, gee, Daddy.

- Almost part of the family.
- What's your idea, Alistair?

- Can I call you Daddy?
- I'd sooner you didn't.

- People, please.
- Let's get Alistair's idea over with.

- Over with?
- No, listened to. Listened to.

Thank you. Now, your prob as I see it
is that this house is empty for, what,

80% of the time?
It should be earning money.

If it's a hotel,
Lionel's already thought of it.

A hotel? What, with Lionel running it?

I'd die to see that.

I then rejected the idea, all right?

I wasn't thinking of a hotel anyway.
My idea is... a conference centre.

Any more funnies, or shall I go on?

No, go on.

Li, there are corporate people out there

who'd give up their Rolexes for a spot
like this. Conference centres are in!

Firms do seem to be having
a lot of conferences these days.

Have conferences about conferences.

The best our office can manage
is a spritzer at the local wine bar.

You may be a member of the family
but you're not irreplaceable.

You've gone very quiet, Li.

Well, I wouldn't want a load of lager louts
trampling all over the place.

I should have said,
executive conference centre.

- They'd still trample all over the place.
- What exactly would this entail?

An attentive staff, headed by someone
who is Mr Charm personified.

I wouldn't want to get
involved in running the place.

I didn't actually have you in mind, Li.

- Lionel can be very charming.
- I know. But it's not that often, is it?

Well, he's never tried it
on a professional basis.

I don't intend to start. I'm not going
around beaming at people all day.

That's my point. We'll get someone.
I'll headhunt a face from somewhere.

I don't fancy a conference going on
while we're here, however executive it is.

Li, you book conference dates
around your dates.

We'll need to speak to Father and Madge.

We decided that
when Lionel flirted with the idea

- of becoming a latter-day Basil Fawlty.
- He gave us the house...

That's why I wanted them here
before they tore off on their tandem.

We'll catch them later.
Now, any other frowns I can iron out?

I shall be serving coffee
in six and half minutes.

Mrs Bale!

Why is everyone staring at me?

How can I put this?

Mrs Bale, if, and it's a big if,
if we were to use this house

as a conference centre during the week,
would you stay on as housekeeper?

Provided there were
no shenanigans in the rooms,

it might prove to be quite exhilarating.

Well.

I wonder
what she meant by "exhilarating".

We'd have to jazz her up a bit.

Try it, Alistair,
and you value your life very cheaply.

I wonder
what she meant by "shenanigans".

Li, are we in orbit with this one?

Perhaps not in orbit
but it's worth thinking about.

Great! So, why don't you girls
go and lie out in your bikinis

and we'll talk about life.

The sun's gone in.

The sacrifices I make for this family.

You know, Alistair, you do make
sacrifices for our family.

- That was just a joke.
- Yeah, I know it was.

But you're always there for us.

Any problem and up you pop
like a guardian angel.

Well, perhaps not quite an angel.

Maybe you're the family I never had.

Alistair, you did have a family.
You told me about them.

- Don't have, then.
- You're not a very convincing orphan.

OK, then, I like you guys.

Really, I do. I like Li. I like Jean.

- I like...
- You were chasing her, once.

You even sent her a gorilla-gram.

That was just a phase.
Didn't work, anyway.

She made him take
his head off but you...

- I don't want a gorilla-gram.
- What I'm trying to say is...

you are the reason.

Well, our history doesn't exactly
back that up, does it?

Why don't we sneak off
together for a quiet meal?

Just the two of us, this evening.

I think I'd like that.

It's always been you. You know that.

Sometimes.

Sometimes...

Oh, Sandy did put her bikini on, after all.

Reflex action.

Reflex action!

- May I help?
- Oh, sorry, Mrs Bale.

- May I help?
- Oh, sorry, Mrs Bale.

I was just helping myself to a drink.

- You should have called me.
- I couldn't find you.

- In that case, we'll overlook the matter.
- Thank you, Mrs Bale.

Actually, I was in the garden,
talking to Ernie.

One of Lol's brothers.
The next one up, I think.

He brought this note for you.

I've never met him.

It's addressed to Miss X.

Just as well
he didn't slip it under the door.

Might have fallen into the wrong hands.

"Dear Miss,
Please do... take this amiss, miss,

"but the pleasure of your company

"would be greatly esteemed
at the Stag And Huntsman this evening.

"Assuring you of
our best intentions at all times,

"your obedient servant...
sorry, servants,

"Lol, Tom, Ernie, Harry,
Willie, Jack, and Dennis Ferris."

How quaintly phrased.

I've just been invited out
by all seven Ferris brothers.

- Very flattering.
- Well, I suppose so. But seven?!

I've never been asked out
by seven blokes before.

- And you probably won't be again.
- That's true.

It says, VSOP at the bottom.

I assume that means RSVP.

Well-intentioned. A phone call will do.

I won't have to phone all seven, will I?

Just Lol. Oh, one word of warning.

The drink tends to flow rather freely
at the Stag And Huntsman.

I suggest a large helping
of mashed potato before you go.

Compliments of the Ferris boys.

- Oh, no!
- We'll never get through all this.

They won't take no for an answer.

We'll be legless by closing time.

Oh, don't worry about that. Big Tom
always brings his tractor and his trailer.

- He'll drop you off.
- I shall look forward that.

Toast time again.

- Cheers, lads!
- Cheers, boys! Thank you!

- Is Sandy all right over there?
- She looks happy enough.

- They won't get out of hand, will they?
- I hope not.

Oh, of course not.
They may look a bit rough

but they're some of nature's
gentlemen, the Ferris boys.

- Was their mother a big woman?
- No, no, a tiny little thing.

But still quite capable of giving them
a good clip round the ear.

May we get the conversation back
to where it was?

Yes, of course, my boy.
Why? Where was it?

I asked you and Madge
about this conference centre idea.

Yes, and I said, "Rock on!"

- Then you talked about something else.
- Gherkins.

Well,
they're jolly interesting things, gherkins.

Lionel's worried
you didn't take the matter very seriously.

- No need.
- The house is yours now.

You don't have to ask us
every time you want to hang a picture.

This is bigger than hanging a picture.

- It's a major decision.
- Which you made.

Well, as good as.

Well, let's get on
with enjoying ourselves.

- Fair enough.
- We never asked how the time trial went.

- Oh...
- Something of a disaster, I'm afraid.

We came 45th out of 45.

That's not a disaster.
You're only slightly above average age.

Yes, we were but we did expect
to finish at least two places higher.

It would have been more
if it hadn't been for the hedgehog.

- Oh, you didn't run over a hedgehog?
- No, we swerved to avoid it.

But this caused Rocky to break wind
and I got a fit of the giggles

and we lost valuable time.

Perhaps we should get a tandem.

- What?
- Are you with us?

Yes, but I shan't be much longer
if people go on buying us drinks.

All health, from
Bill and Molly Kindred at the garage.

- Oh, thank you very much!
- Thank you!

We've never even bought
any petrol there.

Ah, that's no matter at all.

It's a question
of finding room on the table.

Thanks very much.

Er, ladies and gentlemen.

I know that tonight
is not the official singing night

but I'm sure we'd all be delighted
if our guest of honour

would favour us with a song.

He means you. He means you.

- I don't sing!
- Yes, of course you do!

You sing in the bath.

You had a very clear soprano
when you were a boy.

Well, I'm not a boy now.
No, I'm sorry. I don't sing.

- Oh, come on.
- No, no, really. I'm very sorry...

Just hold on, now!

If the owner of a Victoria Cross
don't want to sing, then he don't sing.

What about Madge? Come on, Madge!

- Come on.
- Come on.

No, no. I've got a tickle in my throat.

She always says that.

Just one song, then.

I'll tell you what,
let's do Tie A Yellow Ribbon.

♪ Tie a yellow ribbon
round the old oak tree

♪ It's been three long years

♪ Do you still want me?

♪ If I don't see a ribbon
round the old oak tree

♪ I'll stay on the bus, forget about us,
put the blame on me

♪ If I don't see a yellow ribbon
round the old oak tree ♪

How long has she been going on now?

Half an hour so far.

- You didn't have to wait for me.
- I did, actually. I don't...

- Good evening, Mr Wells.
- Hello, Mr Wells.

- Thanks again for that cider.
- Have you tried it yet?

- We haven't had a chance.
- Go careful when you do.

- Madge?
- At full blast.

I mustn't miss that.

Oh, I know what I wanted to ask you.

I know there's been
a lot of gossip in the village.

I know things get blown up, but when
you had that set-to with the posh folk,

did you really throw
six of them over the hedge?

Mr Wells,
I give you my word that I did not.

- Ohhh...
- It was only two.

Oh, that's still not bad, now, is it?

- I'll see you later.
- Yes. Why'd you tell him that?

As a holder of the Victoria Cross,
you have a reputation.

By this time, I'm quite surprised
I was only awarded one.

- I noticed you didn't deny it in there.
- Would you contradict the Ferris boys?

Fair enough.

- Why did you have to wait for me?
- Fond as I am of Madge,

I don't think I could stand
one more country-and-western song.

I've been thinking about
this conference centre business.

You've gone off the idea, haven't you?

- Yes.
- I'm glad.

Are you? Why?

Tell me why you've gone off it.

Well... they treat you
rather nice down here.

The drinking's a bit fierce,
but they're good people.

What would we get
at a conference centre?

A lot of turbo-charged high-flyers.

They wouldn't fit in a place like this.

They'd get bored and want change.
I don't think this place needs it.

Lol said it this morning.
"Look around," he said.

"There's not much wrong with it."

I knew you'd remember that.

How?

Because by the time Madge got on to her
fourth song, I was remembering it too.

- You didn't mind coming out here?
- No, I was rather excited by it.

It's ages since a boy asked me
to step outside for some fresh air.

- Boy?
- Chap, then.

- Who was the boy ages ago?
- You.

Oh.

At a staff dance at the hospital.

I think there were more couples out
in the fresh air than on the dance floor.

Shall we... step outside
for a breath of fresh air?

We have.

I know.

♪ You must remember this

♪ A kiss is still a kiss

♪ A sigh is just a sigh

♪ The fundamental things apply

♪ As time goes by

♪ And when two lovers woo

♪ They still say I love you

♪ On that you can rely

♪ The world will always welcome lovers

♪ As time goes by ♪