02x05 - Episode 5

[bunniefuu]

In last week's episode of Soap,
Chester had a plan.

To keep from being lonely
in the basement,

he made friends with a pet rat
named Arnold.

Unfortunately,

Benson didn't know he was a pet.

This ruined Chester's plan...

not to mention any plans
Arnold might have had.

Meanwhile,

Burt told Danny a plan
to help him change Elaine.

And Carol told Jody her plan
to keep the baby.

Tim and Corinne's plan
for their wedding night

was interrupted

by a call from Tim's mother
saying she was dying.

Tim, who was sure
she was faking,

decided to go to her
immediately...

or by the weekend,
at the latest.

Dutch had to go on the run,

but planned to return
to see Eunice.

And Chester,

although he hadn't planned
anything of the kind,

had an att*ck
and was rushed to the hospital.

Confused?

You won't be

after this week's episode
of Soap.

This is the story
of two sisters,

Jessica Tate...

and Mary Campbell.

These are the Tates.

And these are the Campbells.

And this is... Soap.

At approximately : ,

the doorbell rang, then what?

Then what?

I told you.

Tell us again.

Tell us again.

I went to the door.

I opened it.

I discovered Mr. Tate
on the doorstep, unconscious.

I don't know how much longer

I can stand this waiting.

Don't worry, Mother,

I'm sure we're gonna hear soon.

You'd think they'd have

a pinball machine
or something around here.

Billy...

Hey, a person can be sad

and still play pinball
at the same time.

Mrs. Tate.

Mrs. Tate, your husband
is still in a coma.

Oh...

And we won't have the tests back
for at least hours.

Oh, the poor, dear man.

And you can't do
anything until then?

Well, I'm afraid
my hands are tied...

But there is someone here
who just might be able to help.

It's this lad right over here.

Me?

I don't understand.

Well, you see, Mrs. Tate,

there's still very little
we know about the power of love.

Just a few minutes ago,

your husband
spoke his son's name

and seemed
to draw strength from it,

and I feel
if we brought this boy

to his father's bedside,

he just might mean
the difference

between life and death.

Well, yes.

Certainly, by all means.

You must be quite a human being

to have touched
another person so deeply.

Thank you, sir.

This way, Arnold.

Um, doctor!

Doctor, I believe there's been

a slight misunderstanding.

This is Billy.
This isn't Arnold.

Oh.

Arnold was a rat.

Well, personality aside,

I still feel
if we can locate this Arnold

and bring him to Mr. Tate...

No, no, that's not
possible, Doctor.

Benson k*lled Arnold.

All right!

Come on, buddy,
hands flat on the wall!

I had him pegged from the start.

There was something
about his eyes.

And, of course,
the color of my skin

has got nothing to do with it.

Stop that.
Arnold was a real rat.

A pet rat.

A rodent.

I k*lled him with a broom.

Oh.

I still don't like
those eyes of his.

That's nothing.

I don't like your entire body.

Look, Mrs. Tate,

why don't you go home
and get some sleep?

I'll call you

as soon as I get
the reports back.

Thank you, Doctor.

Sure.

Uh, when you came upon Mr. Tate,

did any of you see this man
lurking in the area?

Goes by the name of Dutch.

No. No.
No, no. Uh-uh.

Thank you.
No!

Just routine.

Wait a minute.

Let me see that picture.

Why, I've seen this man.

You have?

Of course.

It's Benito Mussolini, you boob.

Thank you.

Uh, Officer?

Do you think I might have that?

Just in case I see
somebody suspicious

in the neighborhood?

Okay, sure, but be careful.

He's considered dangerous.

Thank you.

I'll get the car
and meet you around front.

Thank you, Benson.

Billy, Major.

Well, I... I suppose

you know why
I wanted the picture,

don't you, Mother?

Yes, Eunice. I know.

What do you think?

I think he looks
better in person.

No, Mother.
I mean, about us.

Well, Eunice,

it's very hard
for me to approve.

I mean, the man's
a convicted k*ller...

but then, of course,
so is Daddy.

And an embezzler too.

Yes, so it's hard for me
to disapprove too.

The difference is, Eunice,

when your father and I
first started out,

we had all kinds
of possibilities.

The world was ours.

You and Dutch
wouldn't have that.

But I love him, Mother.

I know, Eunice...

but sometimes love
just isn't enough.

Hey! Hey!

Oh.

New York University?

Don't tell me somebody
in this house

is actually thinking
of going to college?

I am going to go to college.

[CACKLING]

Does the college know?

"Does the college know?"

[LAUGHING]

Well, it may come
as a shock to you,

things have changed.

For instance,

they no longer use
quills and parchments.

Quills and parchments!

[LAUGHING]

[STOPS LAUGHING]

I really don't care

to discuss this
with you, Elaine.

Aren't you gonna feel
awfully out of it?

No. Why should I?

Because you're so old.

Elaine, I may not be ,
but I'm not a dinosaur.

[LAUGHING] A dinosaur!

I don't know.

If I was your age,
I wouldn't go to college.

Probably wouldn't
leave the house.

That's it!

[ELAINE SCREAMING]

Hey, hold it! Whoa!

What's happening?

She's crazy!
I'm going to go upstairs.

Take it easy!
Take it easy!

Why didn't you let me...

Why didn't you let me k*ll her?

I want to!

[LAUGHS]

Ma!

Ma, you don't have to k*ll her,
because we got a plan.

Yeah. Listen, it's a great plan.

Oh, good.
What is it?

A Kn*fe? Poison? What?

We're gonna k*ll her
with kindness.

You're gonna k*ll her
with kindness?

That's right...

and I think it's time
to get started.

You see, what he's gonna do

is not let her dress, eat,
sleep, nothing...

because there isn't anything
good enough for her.

And she can't get mad,

because it's all done
out of love, you see?

He's gonna k*ll her
with kindness.

If that doesn't work,
can I just k*ll her?

Sure.

Your mother needs hormone sh*ts.

Don't.

It's a brand new dress.

Danny!

Oh, I don't want
garbage like this

touching your skin.

Danny, what is going on?

It's not good enough for you.

Nothing good enough for you,
baby.

Well, it's true,
it only costs $ ...

[MOUTHING WORDS]
$ ?

But wait a second...

Well, I'm sorry,

but it won't do.

Not for you.
Not for my woman.

This isn't like you.

Good God!

Look at this garbage.

I'm sorry, Elaine,

but you can forget about these.

No! No! No!
Wait! Wait!

Please...

No, no, absolutely not, no way.

Elaine, I'm sorry, but, uh,

I love you too much

to see you dressed
in rags like this.

Elaine...

What?

What the hell is that?

What?
That!

What? Oh!

This!

Oh, no!

Danny stop!
Stop it!

You nuts?

Look at how flimsy that is.

I don't believe this.

Don't sit!

[THUMP]

This cushion is not clean.

Other people have sat here.

Danny!

We have to be
at a restaurant in minutes.

Let me see
if I can find something

to wear, okay?

Maybe I have something
that you like.

Okay.

Okay, I'll go get cleaned up.

I can't keep my hands off you.

And this one is no good either.

So, is it working?

I don't know.

It's a little too soon to tell,

but she seems very confused.

So am I.

[WHISPERING] Danny.

Oh, you ready so soon, babe?

Is this all right?

Well, that's more like it.

You're sure?

You're sure that you like this?

It looks almost as good as you.

Don't wait up.

Yeah, have a nice time.

Thanks.

[SCREAMS]

I'm sorry,

but it didn't look as good

from the back.

Well?

What do you say?

Carol, generally,

when a girl gets
a marriage proposal,

she looks up
from her Chicken Yakitori.

What about... sex?

What about it?

You said you would never

go to bed with me again.

Uh, call it old-fashioned,

but I consider
sex with my husband

a part of marriage.

Well, I'd try.

You'd try?

Yeah.

Oh, wonderful.

That's a very relaxing
way to live...

with a guy who closes his eyes

and pretends his wife
is Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Carol, I'm not sure,

but I think when one person

asks someone else to marry them,

no one's supposed
to make fun of anybody

for at least a minute or two.

Why are you doing this, guilt?

No.

Well, it's true,
I think I should,

but, Carol, what's also true

is I'm actually kind of excited
about having the baby.

Somehow I never pictured that.

Neither did I.

Well, I'm not what Dr. Spock
had in mind

when he wrote his chapter,
"Becoming A Father."

It's, uh, it's very hard
not to be involved

when you're bringing a new life
into the world.

Carol, this is my baby too.

And since I've been a part
of its beginning,

I want to be a part
of the rest of its life.

It can work, Carol.

We really care for each other,

and we love being together,

and you'd never have to worry

about me looking
at another woman.

I don't know, Jody.
I just don't know.

Carol, I promise you
that if we get married,

I'll never touch another man
again.

[THUNK]

Excuse me, please.

I think I just stabbed myself.

What's wrong?

You stick a rusty Kn*fe
into my heart

by leaving the priesthood

and you want to know
what's wrong?

Ma, there's no Kn*fe
in anybody's heart.

I feel I've got an elephant
on chest...

and he contradicts me.

That's the kind of thing

a mother really wants to hear
just before she dies.

Sorry, Ma, but the dying act

doesn't work anymore.

You're not fooling anyone.

Tim, I don't think you should be
quite so hard on her.

Oh, perfect!

Your mother's at death's door

and you have to bring along
the bimbo!

Well, it's true
we haven't gotten along

quite as well as we might...

Oh, why stop there?

While you're at it,

why don't you just step forward
and spit on the bed?

Ma!

Listen, you just remember
one thing.

You remember
that if anybody asks you

who k*lled your mother,

remember to say,

"it was me, Timothy Flotsky,

the fallen priest."

Now get out of here

and let me die in peace.

Look, Ma,

I fell in love with Corrine

and...
and I married her.

For the first time in my life,

I did something for me
instead of for you.

It's called
living your own life, Ma.

But, of course,

you wouldn't know about that.

You know...
all you know about

is making my life miserable

and treating Corrine
like garbage.

You're a real expert at that.

Tim?

She's not breathing.

Of course she's not breathing.

She's playing

her "hold my breath until
I get what I want" routine.

Tim, I think she's dead.

She's not dead.

She's dead.

She's not dead.

She's dead.

She's dead!
She's dead!

She's dead.
She's dead.

She's dead.
She's dead!

She's dead!
She's dead!

She's dead!

Okay. I'll tell him.

Right. Okay.

Bye-bye.

Don't you ever go to lunch?

No, I have it catered.

Um, Mr. DiBlazio called.

Said if he doesn't
have a payment

on your wife's loan by Friday,

he sincerely hopes you have

a good orthopedic surgeon.

Oh, no...

Problems?

Yep.

Oh, you're too nice
to have problems.

Thanks, Sal.

You're much too nice.

Uh, Sally?

Uh... uh, Sally,

what are you doing back there?

Nothing.

Uh, Sally, I'm a married man,

remember?

Oh, I'm... I'm sorry.

I'm really sorry.

I... I just got
carried away.

I mean, it's so hard.

Every day I see you,

and you're so...
incredibly good-looking.

You must know
how irresistible you are.

And it's just so hard not to...

I'm sorry.
I'm really sorry.

[SIGHS]

It's okay.

I'm just really sorry.

Hey, it's really okay.

Anyway...

I'm sure you must be
used to it by now.

Women crawling all over you.

I'm sure you can't even

take public transportation
anymore.

Well, no, that hasn't happened.

I mean,
if Al Pacino ever saw you,

he'd probably never
leave his house again.

I mean, why bother?

Well, I don't know about that.

Believe me.

He is a little short, I hear.

I am sorry, Danny,
and I promise it'll...

it'll never happen again.

From now on,
I'll just look at you...

And be happy.

I don't know, I don't know.

A break is fine,

but I think it's a mistake

for guys
on girders stories high

to be horsing around
with a Frisbee.

I'll go break it up.

Thanks, Danny.

Any messages, Sal?

Nothing, uh-uh.
Oh, good.

I'm so bushed.

Oh, thank you.

Oh... oh, oh.

Oh, that's terrific.

Oh, a massage.
Oh.. oh, boy.

That's terrific.

Oh, massages are wonderful.

I really love that.

Oh, and yes, massaging the head.

That's... nice touch...
very nice touch.

Oh, that's nice.

That's... ooh, hey.

Thank you, thank you...
Thank you very much...

Oh, hey...
Okay, thank you!

Oh, God.
I'm sorry.

I'm really sorry.

It's okay. It's okay.

Your nose got stuck.
That could happen.

It's so hard for me.

I mean, you must know.
You see how women respond...

To what?

To you.

You're at that age...

That time of your life

when you're at
your most attractive.

Well, yeah... well...

Oh, you are.

You're so...
dynamic.

That's what it is.

You're
dy... na... mic.

Oh... Well, I don't know.

Let's see...

I've been taking
this new Vitamin-B complex.

That's probably
what's doing it...

And it's so hard for me

to be around you every day...

to... to have to
look at you

and to feel your presence.

Sometimes I almost feel faint.

Well, that's not eating
a good breakfast, Sal.

You know, that's a feeling
of faintness,

that's all it is.

No.
Yeah...

It's from you.

No, a couple of eggs,
a few sausages,

you'll be just fine.

I look at you, and I get weak.

It's been that way for weeks,
this weakness.

You're the most masculine man...
I've ever seen.

It's the plaid shirt, Sal.

You're responding
to a plaid shirt.

I got to... Where's Danny?
I got to go find Danny.

If I know Danny,
he's joined the Frisbee team.

It's a...
It's a plaid shirt.

And don't you worry about that.

I mean, I've seen it
happen a lot in Oregon...

all the time.

Girls fainting over lumberjacks.

Oh, doctor, are you sure?

Oh, yes, this is definitely
a lesion of the brain.

You see, it's the type of lesion

that can totally alter
a person's behavior.

For example, a completely
mild-mannered person

might suddenly turn violent.

Well, if that's the case,

then surely a man
in his condition

couldn't be held responsible

for his acts.

Oh, no. Certainly not.

Any behavior induced
by the lesion is, of course,

entirely beyond his control,

and as I understand it,

there has been
a recent unpleasantness.

Is he referring to the m*rder

or the stock fraud?

Well, whatever the problem,
legally speaking,

he is suffering
from temporary insanity,

and this brain scan alone

is medical proof
of his condition.

Well, what can be done?

I mean, about the lesion itself?

We could do nothing

and perhaps the att*cks
would subside,

but, on the other hand,

he might become
permanently violent,

and lastly,
he might just drop dead.

Now, on the other hand,

we could operate,

but, you see, he might not
survive the operation.

Or he might come out
of the surgery alive,

but with the personality
of a cod fish.

Well, it's nice to have
so many choices.

I just wish
one of them were good.

Y... Y... Yes...

Well, this decision
is... is...

Thank you.

Yours and yours
alone, Mrs. Tate,

and, uh, I'm afraid

that there is simply
not much time.

Oh, yes, I understand.

Of course,
it would be much easier

if this were a routine surgery

but this procedure
is far from routine.

It's the kind of surgery
that requires

an extraordinary combination
of knowledge, skill,

not to mention courage
and stamina.

Yes, well, uh, Jessica,

I think if you had an hour or so

alone with your thoughts,

then maybe...

Yes, sir, if I could
pull this one off,

this would be quite a feat.

Doctor.

Oh, yes!

Well, that's neither here
nor there.

Well, I...

I guess you'd better go ahead.

You want me to go ahead
with the surgery?

Yes!
Oh!

You made a wise decision,
Mrs. Tate.

This will be good
for everyone concerned,

and the chances of your husband
pulling through are very good.

And I, of course,
will be launched into stardom.

Oh, Mary...

I didn't know what to do.

Do you think I did
the right thing?

I'm sure you did, Jess.

I'm sure you did.

Golly, it's just such
a difficult decision to make.

I know.

Chester might die.

He won't.

But the doctor said...
No.

He'll be fine,
I just know he will.

Do you think so?

Yes, I do.

Chester is very strong.

That's right. He is, isn't he?

Oh, yes, Mary, do you remember
the winter we all had the flu

and Chester had the flu,
and he did all the cooking,

flu and all?

Of course,
he did all the eating too...

Mary, he's just
got to be all right.

He has to be.

I don't think
I could stand anything else.

I'll buy you a cheeseburger.

With French fries?

Mm-hmm.

Will Burt and Danny's plan
really change Elaine?

If it does,
what will she change into?

Will Carol
accept Jody's proposal?

Will Tim blame himself
for his mother's death forever?

Or just
for the rest of his life?

What is Sally up to?

And are either Burt or Danny
up to what she's up to?

Will Eunice ever spend
another night with Dutch?

And if so,
will there be passion,

desire, lust?

Or at least
some nice refreshments?

Has Jessica made
the right decision,

to go ahead
with Chester's operation?

And if it doesn't work out,

will she find happiness
living with a cod fish?

These questions and many others

will be answered
on next week's episode of Soap.

Soap is videotaped
before a studio audience.

[♪]