02x11 - Episode 11

[bunniefuu]

In the last episode of Soap,

Elaine was kidnapped
and therefore has disappeared.

Eunice and Dutch,

in order to disappear
from the police,

have disappeared to a farm.

Burt and Mary
still haven't talked,

and so their suspicions
about each other

haven't disappeared,

and Chester,

who still doesn't know
who he is,

has just up and disappeared.

Confused?

You won't be
after this week's episode of...

This is the story
of two sisters,

Jessica Tate

and Mary Campbell.

These are the Tates...

and these are the Campbells.

And this is Soap.

[SHOUTING AND ARGUING]

"We have your wife.

"Don't call police,

"or you'll never see her alive
again.

You will be notified
of our plans."

I can't believe it.
I just can't believe it.

I mean, why would anybody
want to kidnap Elaine?

The money, Burt,
they'd do it for the money.

Danny, I know that, but why us?
We don't have any money.

There's only one thing to do.

Who are you calling?

The police.

No, Ma, we can't call
the police.

Didn't you read
what the note said?

"Do not call
the police."

Danny, come on,
what'd you expect them to write?

"We've got your wife.
Please call the police."

Hey,
what is all the racket in here?

Do you guys know
what time it is?

Chuck, there's a reason
why we're all up.

Yeah, well, this
had better be good.

Elaine has been kidnapped.

And?

And?

What do you mean, "and"?
How can you say, "and"?

Come on.

Read.

Hey, Dan, I'm sorry.

Listen, why don't I go down

and make us all some coffee
or something, huh?

Good idea, Chuck.

Hey, listen, don't worry, Dan.

I mean, after a couple of days

with Elaine,

they'll pay you
to take her back.

Danny,
we have got to call the police.

Wait a minute.
[TELEPHONE RINGING]

Hello.

Mr. Lefkowitz?

It's Elaine's father.

Mr. Lefkowitz,
I'm afraid

that I have some very bad news.

We have a little...

Hmm?

No, business is good.
What, hey, couldn't be better.

All right.

Mr. Lefkowitz,

Elaine...

That's terrific.

Good old Reggie.

Reggie?

Reggie? Reggie who?

He put the Yankees
in the series.

He made a fortune.

Give me that phone!

Mr. Lefkowitz, this is Danny.

Mr. Lefkowitz,
I have some terrible news.

Elaine has been kidnapped.

That is the terrible news.

You know?

He knows.
The kidnappers called him first.

How much?

, bucks?

That's almost a quarter
of a million dollars.

What?

What do you mean
you won't pay it?

He won't pay it?

But she's your own...

Yeah, but Mr. Lef...

No, but...

Listen, listen,

you rotten,
scum-sucking pig...

I'm going to come over there
and rip your brains out!

Listen.

Why did you do that?

Danny, he's a gangster.
He could k*ll you.

How are you going
to keep Elaine alive

if you're dead?

Okay, okay,
but if he doesn't pay,

Elaine doesn't stand a chance.

Now, where are we going to get

that kind of money?

Danny,
I have some money put away.

It's yours.

And I figure we can borrow

maybe, what, $ , ,

and then we can
bargain them down

a couple of hundred
thousand dollars.

Don't worry, Danny.

We'll get her back.

[TELEPHONE RINGING]

That's the phone,
that's the phone!

What did you do with the phone?

Look.

Up there!

Yeah.

Yeah, this is him.
It's them.

Paper, pencil.
Come on.

Pencil, pencil.

Pencil.

Paper, paper.

Paper, paper.

[COOLLY] Yeah,
I've got a pencil.

Go ahead.

[DICE ROLLING]

Boardwalk!

I don't want it.

You're not going
to buy Boardwalk?

No.
Why?

When you put a hotel on it,
and I land there,

I'll have to pay a fortune.

No, you won't.
I won't charge you.

Ma, that's against the rules.

Mrs. Tate...

Mrs. Tate,
what is going on here?

Monopoly.

No, no, no,
that's not what I mean.

I'm upstairs
cleaning your bathroom,

and a guy
walks out of the shower

fully dressed.

Oh, that must be
Detective Donohue.

Well, what is he doing here?

Looking for Chester.

Well, I think
if Mr. Tate was in the shower,

we would have found him by now.

I'd say
it was my most difficult case.

First of all, the body

was in seven different states...

arm in Alabama,
leg in Wisconsin,

the head in Rhode Island.

It took months to put
the pieces together.

You put all the pieces together?

Sure.

This guy is amazing.

Not really.
It's like a giant jigsaw puzzle.

You've got a bunch of parts,
it don't mean anything.

Put them together,
get a perfect picture.

Only difference is
the pieces I'm playing with

are bloody,

and the picture I get
don't make Bambi in the end.

Okay, Mrs. Tate, I'm done.

Good.

Does that mean

that you're going
to take the case?

I'm not sure yet.
Oh.

I see your husband
likes to dress up like a priest.

Kinky.

My husband was a priest.

Congratulations
on your pregnancy.

How did you know?

The saltines
and the Rocky Road ice cream

by your bed.

Billy...

[LOWERED VOICE] It's a nice
collection of magazines

you've got hidden
in your bedroom.

Why don't you get yourself

a girlfriend?

I'm trying, I'm trying.

Try a little harder.

I see your daughter, Eunice,
ran off with Dutch Lightner,

who you hid in the basement.

Amazing.

Billy, did you tell?

No, I swear.

Nobody told me
anything, Mrs. Tate.

Everything is there. All you
have to do is look for it.

Amazing.

Benson, can I get
a cup of coffee?

No.

Good, it makes me jumpy as hell.

Now, getting back
to your husband's disappearance,

I get these cases all the time.

Find them all.
You name them, I've found them.

Amelia Earhart.

Found her...
shopping.

Martin Bormann, found him too.

Sells Mercedes in Malibu.

I find these cases very boring.

I find you very boring.

If it's so boring,
why do you do it?

What am I gonna do?
Heart transplants?

It's what I know.

Well, they say

that you are the best detective

in the world.

And they're right.

One thing I had to know,
Mrs. Tate:

did your husband
leave willfully?

Because if your husband
left willfully,

why should I bother to find him?

Oh, dear.

Do you think that's possible?

No.
Good.

I don't think
any man in his right mind

would leave a wife like you.

Oh, Detective Donohue,
you're very sweet.

No, I'm not,
Mrs. Tate,

just doing my job.

Does that mean

you're going to take the case?

Only for one reason.

What's that?

I like your smile.

[KNOCKING]

Yes?

May I come in?

Oh, yes, Mrs. Tate.
We're all finished.

Oh, good.

Doctor, I am so glad

that you're a lady gynecologist.

It makes it so much
easier to come here.

So how is Corinne?

Corinne is a fine,

healthy, pregnant young lady.

I know.

But, doctor, how come I'm so big
at three weeks?

That doesn't seem normal.

Because you miscalculated,
Corinne.

You're not three weeks pregnant.
You're five months pregnant.

Uh-oh.

But that's impossible.
I've only been married a month.

I understand, Corinne,
but nowadays,

lots of girls have sex
while they're engaged.

Not if you're engaged
to a priest.

Do you mean to tell me

that you and your husband

never had sex?

Never.

Well, then,
what about before your husband?

When was the last time?

Well,
that would have been Peter...

But I'm not exactly sure
when that was.

Could Peter recall the date?

Oh, I don't think so. He's dead.

Oh.

My husband k*lled him.

But it couldn't have been Peter,

because he's been dead
for over six months.

Then there must have been
someone

between Peter and your husband.

There was no one.

Think, Corinne.

Ma, I swear there was no one.

There was Peter,

and then there was Tim
after we were married,

but otherwise, there was no one,

absolutely no one, I swear it.

Well, then,

I don't know
how to explain this.

Doctor...

perhaps it was

from a public bathroom.

That can't happen,
Mrs. Tate.

What about a swimming pool?

I'm afraid not.

Because I saw this cartoon once

with a little talking sperm

who said he was
a terrific swimmer.

It was very cute,

really.

The little sperm
was all light blue

and wore swim trunks...

And the little eggs
were all pink

and had little earrings on.

Of course, I don't imagine

that's the way they really look.

It's not from a pool,

Mrs. Tate.

There is really only one way

to get pregnant.

Well, I'm out of ideas.

Good.

Now, Corinne,

if what you say is true,

that there was no one
between Peter and Tim,

I don't know what to tell you.

You have the uterus

of a normal

five months' pregnancy.

Is there anything unusual
you've noticed lately?

Yes, there is.

I know this might sound
a little strange,

but sometimes, I hear humming

when there's no one else
in the room,

and it seems to come
from my stomach.

Oh, that's hunger, Corinne.

I get that too.
It kind of rumbles.

Uh, no, Ma, this is different.
This isn't a rumbling.

This is a tune:

"Raindrops Keep Falling
On My Head."

Maybe Burt Bacharach
is the father.

Oh, dear.

What is it?

Well, I guess this means

I have to tell Tim
that I'm pregnant.

Well, yes.

When you go into labor,

I think
he's going to be suspicious.

But I've only been married
a month.

How can I tell him
I'm five months pregnant?

Well, Corinne,

you'll just have to tell him.

I mean, what is he going to say?

"See you."

Okay, fellows, let's try

and get it this time, okay?

Okay?

Before the milk curdles?

All right, is tape rolling?

Thank you.

Quiet, everybody.

Here we go, and...

Action.

♪ Hello
I'm Mr. Peppy Flake ♪

♪ I used to be
A schleppy flake ♪

♪ My happy days are coming
And my peppy eyes are glazin' ♪

♪ 'Cause I've got a buddy pal ♪

♪ And his name
Is Rodney Raisin ♪

Hiya,
Mr. Peppy Flake.

Hiya, Rodney Raisin.

Boy, am I glad to see you.

You're splashing
in my eye, you jerk.

Hey, man, don't be
calling me a jerk.

All right, cut.

Cut.

Fellows,

we've been here

since :
this morning.

How about it, huh?

He's splashing in my eye.

You were jumping up and down.

I didn't splash on you.

Yes, you did.

All right, hold it, hold it.

Fellows, listen.

We're selling happy raisins
and peppy flakes here,

and it's not playing happy
and peppy.

Oh, yeah?
What's the problem?

Seems to be
a little too much hate

coming through.

Seems to be dissipating
the happy and the peppy.

You know what I'm saying?

Let's roll tape, please.

Now, remember

to tap Rodney on the head

after you've finished the song.

He can't hear you

underneath all that milk.

Okay?
Mm-hmm.

Now give me a
little happy, peppy,

bouncing up and down.

That's it, good.
Use it, hmm?

Rodney, under the milk,

please.

Here we go.

Don't forget to tap.

Don't forget not to splash.

Okay...

action.

♪ Hello
I'm Mr. Peppy Flake ♪

♪ I used to be... ♪

[WHISPERING] Psst, Jodie.

Are you gonna pay attention
here?

Yeah, I'm...

I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

Stop tape, please.

Listen, Carol, I'm really sorry.

I didn't get a chance
to call you.

This is taking a lot longer
than I thought,

and I'm going to have to work
right through lunch.

Jodie, I think that, uh...

I think
we should call off the wedding.

Well,
I should be through by then.

Who's going to come?

Oh, Elaine has been kidnapped,

and Burt and Danny
are out looking for her,

and Eunice
has run off with Dutch,

and Chester is missing,

and Jessica's worried sick,

and your mother

is miserable over Burt's affair.

It's going to be you and me
and Bernstein, the caterer.

Hiya,
Mr. Peppy Flake.

I'm going to k*ll you.

I'm going to k*ll you.

Rodney, Rodney,
what's the problem?

He didn't tap me.

Now, look, man,
I'm not a mackerel.

I'm a raisin.

So either you hire Flipper
or get me an aqua lung.

Okay, calm down.

Everything will be okay.

I need this.
I have a hostile raisin here.

Now, listen, Carol, I know
there are a lot of problems,

but everybody
wants us to go through with it.

It'll make them happy,

and they need to feel
a little happy these days.

Yoo-hoo,
remember us?

Yeah, fellows, listen,
I'm very sorry about this.

You're sorry?

I've been in this milk
for four hours.

I'm starting to wrinkle.

Terrific.

A good raisin's supposed
to be wrinkled.

[LAUGHING]

All right,

let's roll tape, please.

Let's get it this time, huh?

All right, now, listen.

Trust me, everything
is going to be okay.

All right, let's get it, D.J.,
huh, please?

Thank you.

Quiet, everybody.

Rodney, under the milk,

please.

Action.

♪ Hello
I'm Mr. Peppy Flake ♪

♪ I used to be
A schleppy flake... ♪

Hold it, wait.
Don't anyone move.

What's the trouble now?

I lost a contact.

All right, now, I've got it.
Just a second.

All right, steady.

Hiya,
Mr. Peppy Flake.

Now you're going to die!

[ALL SHOUTING]

Cut.

Cut!

Hey, hold it.

Take five, everybody.

Hi.

Oh, just what the cereal needed:

fruit.

Carol...

[STUTTERING]

Well, what a... surprise.

Uh... Dennis,
what are you doing here?

Jodie, I've been wanting
to talk to you,

but you never return
my phone calls.

Get the hint?

Look...

Coffee, huh?

How about
a nice hot cup of coffee?

Jodie...

[SIGHS]

I can't let you

just walk out of my life.

Dennis, I'm marrying Carol.

Jodie, I've thought it over.

I'll give up football.

I'll come out.
I'll do anything.

I'll tell the world I'm gay.

I think you just did.

Can we turn that off, please?

Thank you.

Dennis, that's the way it is.
I'm marrying Carol.

But I thought
if I gave up football,

we wouldn't have
to sneak around...

Dennis,
it won't make any difference.

That's the way it is.

We're finished.

Finished?

Finished.

Finished.

Sounds so final.

Okay, Jodie.

I'm sorry.
I won't bother you again.

Are you sure

you want to go through
with the wedding?

Absolutely.
You?

Mm-hmm.

This is very touching.

Sick, but touching.

Uh, fellows. I'm sorry.

Let's get back to work, okay?

Hey, Jodie,

is it really over

between you and Dennis?

Yeah.

Then you don't mind
if I give him a call, do you?

[♪]

Where are the cops?

They're around.
They're here.

Don't look, don't look.

Where are they?

I don't see any cops.

Danny, please,

they're not going to
wear their uniforms.

They're in disguise.

Oh.

Don't look.

Where?

"Where" what?

Where are they
in their disguises?

There's one right over there.

Where?
Don't look.

There's no cop over there.

There's just an old lady
over there,

and she's feeding the pigeons.

Don't look.

That's the cop.

It's undercover.

I saw it on Baretta.

Oh.
Don't look.

Are you sure

we're in the right place?

Yeah, I'm sure. They said
the phone booth by the elm tree.

Is that cop still there?

I don't think
that old lady's a cop.

Why not?

She just mugged somebody.

Maybe the victim's the cop.

Maybe.

Come on, where's that call?

Danny, listen, Danny,
I've been thinking.

I've been thinking

that maybe I should talk to
the kidnappers when they call,

because you're getting
too emotional.

I am not.
Danny, yes, you are.

I am not.
You are.

Hey, listen, it's my wife!

All right, listen,
Danny, come over here.

[TELEPHONE RINGING]

Listen, now, I need you.

Calm down.
Okay.

Listen to me.
Pay attention.

Hear the sound of my voice.

It's important.

I'm going crazy, Burt.

That ringing is driving me nuts.

The ringing!

[GRUNTING]

Listen, Danny...

Burt, you ran right over me.

The phone!
Get out of there.

BOTH: Hello!

All right.

All right, we're
in the phone booth

near the elm tree,

just like you said,

but we don't have the money.

Be nice.

Apologize for not having it.

Okay, okay.

Look, I just can't raise
that kind of money.

Listen, listen, you lousy creep,

if I get my hands on...

[SLOW, CALM VOICE] Hello.

Hi. This is
Burt Campbell,

Danny's stepfather.

Listen, we are...
We just...

He's a little overwrought.

You've got to forgive him.

And, now, we don't
have $ , .

Come up with it?

What do you want me to do?

Rob a bank?

"Yes,"
he says, "yes."

I've got a comic over here.

Listen, you lousy
piece of filth,

if you touch a hair...

[SLOW, CALM VOICE] Hello.

Sir? Yes, it's me.

Uh, I'm sorry,
we can't come up with $ , ,

but we do have $ , .

Uh, when you're finished
laughing, sir,

maybe we can do
a little business here.

All right, this is Danny.

Now, listen,

guys like me are real suckers
paying blood money

to vermin like you.

If none of us ever paid,
you'd be out of business,

so my only and final offer
is , .

Take it or leave it,

and if I ever get my hands
on you,

I'm going to rip your heart out.

Oh, good, that's great.

Ripping hearts.
That'll warm him up.

I used to work with criminals.

I know how to talk to them.

Yeah.

Yeah, okay.

Okay, we'll be there,

and we're gonna want
to talk to Elaine

before we pay anything.

Hey, that was incredible, Danny.

That was strong and forceful...

And stupid.

Where are we going
to get , bucks?

I don't know.

It's gonna be
a little tough to raise.

[DOOR RATTLING]

It's gonna be even tougher

from in here.

What are we going to do?

What are we going to do?
Danny, use your head.

The phone.

Oh, you've got some money?

Sure.

Break a five?

[♪]

How will Burt and Danny
find $ , ?

And will they find $ ,

if they can't find their way
out of the telephone booth?

And if they can't find their way

out of the telephone booth

and find $ , ,

how will they ever find Elaine?

What will Tim do

when he finds out
what Corinne found out,

that she is
five months pregnant?

Since they've only been married
a month,

will he find that
difficult to believe?

Now that Dennis has found out
Jodie intends to marry Carol,

will Jodie find
he has second thoughts?

Will Detective Donohue
find Chester?

Does he want to find Chester?

These questions and many others

will be answered
on the next episode of... Soap.

Soap is videotaped
before a studio audience.

[♪]