02x15 - Episode 15

[bunniefuu]

In the last episode of Soap,

Burt told Sally
he could see her no more.

He's sorry,
but it's the only way.

Sally took it well indeed.

She threatened
to get him some day.

Donohue told Jessica
that Chester d*ed...

on an exploded train,

but Chester's not dead.

He's very alive,
although with a muddled brain.

Jodie's still stunned
that Carol left him.

He's been in a lot of pain.

And Danny's vowed to get the men

who k*lled his precious Elaine.

Confused?

You won't be after
tonight's episode of... Soap

This is the story
of two sisters,

Jessica Tate

and Mary Campbell.

These are the Tates,

and these are the Campbells.

And this is Soap.

[SHOUTING AND ARGUING]

[♪]

[DOORBELL RINGS]

If you don't mind.

Hi.

Hello there.

What is this?

A party.

Party? For what?

Mr. Tate's death.

It's kind of strange, isn't it?

Well, I didn't say

you had to have a good time.

Detective Donohue,
how good of you to come.

I came by to say one thing.

I'd like very much to see you,

so when you feel
the time is proper,

will you let me know?

The time is proper now,
detective.

It is?
Mm-hmm.

Yes, because
you make me feel good,

and whenever
you make a person feel good,

the time is always proper.

Okay.
Good.

Uh, excuse me, everyone.

Uh, this is Detective Donohue...

you know, who
looked for Chester.

How do you do?

May I have your attention,
please?

I want to thank you,
first of all,

for coming here today.

As you know,

Chester never cared
for funerals...

Especially his own.

And in his will,
as a tribute to his memory,

he asked that all of his family
and all of his friends

get together

and just tell
all those wild, funny stories

about him.

And I did invite, uh,

oh, about
of his closest friends.

They all had headaches,

so come on, everybody,

let's just toss out

all of those funny stories

about Chester.

Who would like to go first?

Oh, well, I've got one.

Uh... Uh...

One morning,
Chester came down to breakfast

with shaving cream
still behind his ear.

[GIGGLES]

I said to him...

"Chester, you forgot to..."

"You forgot
to wipe off the cream."

He forgot to wipe off...

[LAUGHING CONTINUES]

So...

Chester went
all the way back upstairs,

and I...

I poured him
some o-orange juice.

Orange juice!
A-ha-ha-haa!

And then he said...

And then he said,
"Is it all off now?"

And I said...

I said, "Yes.

How do you want your eggs?"

Eggs.

Oh, yeah. I get it!

[HIGH-PITCHED LAUGHTER]

Oh, golly.

Oh, this is fun.

Who would like to be next?

Billy, why don't you tell
the hammer story?

No, Ma, I don't think so.

Oh, come on, honey.

Good idea.
Do it.

That would be terrific.

Do it, do it.
Please. Come on.

It's cute. It's cute.

All right.

Well, when I was five,
I asked Dad to buy me a hammer.

He asked me
what I wanted it for,

and I told him
I wanted to build a puppy.

All the other kids had puppies,

and I wanted one so badly
that I decided to build one.

Did he buy you the puppy?

No, he bought me the hammer.

Your father

was an incredible human being.

Corinne?

Uh...

Okay.

Um...

when I was little,

Daddy took me fishing,

and I remember that day
he caught a lot of fish,

and I didn't catch anything,

and I remember
feeling a little sad

and very puzzled
when Daddy announced

that he was going swimming,

and he jumped overboard

with one of the fish
in his belt.

Well,

a few minutes later,

Daddy came up
without the fish, and...

and I felt a little tug
on my line,

and I reeled it in,

and there was the fish.

What a wonderful story.

What a guy.

What a crock.

He never took you fishing.

Shh.

She's real good
at making up stories,

isn't she?

Tim, it's your baby.

Benson, you believe me,

don't you?

Uh, Jodie? Jodie?

There he is.

Come on, Jodie,

don't you have a story

you want to share with us?

I just love the way
Jodie tells a story.

Well, all right.

Well, uh...

once, I remember,

I asked Uncle Chester why
he always wore black shoes...

and, uh...

he said, "I don't know.

I just find then comfortable."

A story like that
comes around once, maybe twice.

Not often.

Burt?

There he is.

Oh, yeah.

No, I...

I remember Chester.

I was, um...

I remember there was...

Oh.

[LAUGHS]

I remember one time he came,
and...

That wasn't him.

I remember,
and then I don't sometimes,

but it's like...
Next?

Aunt Jessie, I've got one.

Oh. Good.

This is really funny.

I remember once, uh...

Burt had some dough
he wanted to invest,

and Chester suggested
rotary engine fan belts.

Uh, Danny, that's not funny.

Come on.

Aw, come on, it's really good.

So anyway,

Burt gives him the dough,
and Chester invests it,

and the next day,
the company went broke.

Burt was cleaned out.

[ALL LAUGHING]

Very funny.

What are you doing?

Daddy.

Aye.

This was a brave man.

This was a courageous man.

This was a man who always
did more than his duty.

He was right there
to the very end.

Never was there another man
like him.

Never will there be
another man like him.

He was one of a kind.

We shall never forget him.

He was a leader of men.

We have lost the best.

His family, his friend...

And the United States of America
will never forget

General Mike
"Smilin' Bob" Hawkins.

Daddy... Daddy.

General Hawkins didn't die.

Chester d*ed.

Oh. Good.

Never mind. As you were.

Mary?

Well, I would just like to say

that I think

that all our lives are richer
for having known him.

Benson, do you have
any fond memories

of Mr. Tate

you'd like to share with us?

No.

Uh, and, uh...
I believe that, uh...

he will be remembered fondly

by those of us who loved him.

And the rest of us too.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Mrs. Campbell?

Yes?

Hi. I'm Sally.

Sally?

Your husband's secretary.

Oh, Sally.

Come in.

Thank you.
Thank you.

Well, I'm...

I'm pleased to meet you.

You've always been
just a voice on the telephone.

Uh, sit down.

Thanks.

Uh...

Mrs. Campbell,
I don't really...

Mary. Mary.

Mary.

Mary, I don't know how to...

put this.

What?

Well, your husband and I

have been having an affair.

So what happened was,
the other day,

he came by...

Wait a second.
Wait a second.

Could you just back up a little?

Sure.

Did you say you and Burt...

Right.

So what happened was,
the other day...

You and Burt?

Me and Burt.

Well, Burt and I.

It's Burt and I.

I always get those confused...

me and him, he and I, he and me.

I hated grammar.

You don't, uh...

you don't look like
what I imagined.

You imagined someone?

Well, Burt told me
that he spent the night

with someone once,

and that she was fat and old.

Were you once fat?

Or old?

It must have been someone else.

Mrs. Campbell...

Mary...
I really just...

Mrs. Campbell.

Look, don't be mad at me.

I felt sorry for him.

I have never had an affair

with a married man.

I would not do that.

But he told me he was miserable.

He said you were a mean, hard...

bitter lady.

And I believed him. And then...

Then I fell in love with him.

So please, don't be mad at me.

I can't believe it.

I can't believe it.

I don't believe...

you and him.

I think it's
"you and he."

See, it would be "him and me",

so I think
it's "you and he."

Don't get me wrong.

I'm not saying I don't believe
he'd have an affair with you.

What I'm saying is

that I find it hard to accept
he's having an affair.

But if he was having an affair,

I'm sure
that the affair he was having

would be with you.

You're very, uh...
pretty.

Oh. Thank you.

Young.

Skinny.

I'm not skinny.

Please, you're skinny.

I'm five pounds overweight.

Oh, please. You are not.

I am. I mean, I starve myself.
I still can't lose.

I know. It's so depressing.

You know the Atkins diet?

Do I know it?
I've been on it times.

I gained.

Metabolism.

Fasting? Gained.

You and Burt.

You know,

you're taking this very well.

No, I'm not.

Yes, you are.

You're taking this beautifully.

No. I'm in shock.
That's what it is.

I'm not taking it with grace.

I'm taking it with shock.

There's more.

Oh, good.
Maybe this'll k*ll me.

The other day
I discovered that...

Are you ready?

Burt's been cheating on me.

When did he have the time?

I know.
It's incredible, isn't it?

Her, me, you.

It's a wonder he isn't dead.

He will be.
I'm gonna k*ll him.

No. I am.

Wait till you hear this.

She's .

?

.

Skinny?

She's . Who cares?

.

What do they talk about at ?

What she did in school today?

It's disgusting.

.

I am so sorry

I had to tell you all this.

Oh. No. Thank you.

[SIGHS]

I'm glad you did.

Where are my manners?

Would you like a drink?

Oh, please,
Mrs. Campbell.

Call me Mary.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Hi. Uh, Mrs. David?

Yes?

I'm Jodie.

Oh, my.
Oh, my, my, my.

You're in Texas.

I think so.
Everybody talks funny.

Well, come on in...
for a minute.

Thank you.

You're a h*m*?

Well, I, uh...

The reason I ask is
I never seen one before.

We don't have h*m* in Texas.

Live ones, anyway.

Well, sit down.

Would you like a drink?

Uh, yes, thank you.
A drink would be nice.

What do you people drink?

You mean New Yorkers?
We drink...

No, no, h*m*.

We drink
your basic heterosexual drinks.

How about some lemonade?
Do you drink lemonade?

Lemonade would be terrific.
We like lemonade.

I mean,
we drink a lot of lemonade.

Uh, Mrs. David,
is Carol around?

Upstairs.

But I don't think
she wants to see you.

Mrs. David, I've flown
clear across the country.

This is a very big state.

It took me a day and a half
to drive here from the airport.

Yeah.

Uh, uh...

I've gone through a lot
to get here,

and I intend to see Carol.

Okay.

[SHOUTS] Carol!

Carol, honey,
you've got a visitor!

Oh... this'll put a run
in her pantyhose.

Jodie.

Hi.

I didn't... I...

I thought it would be nice
to surprise you.

Oh, yes. Nice.

He sure surprised me.

He looks perfectly normal.

Mother.

I guess I expected him
to wear organdy.

Mother...

Hmm?
Do you mind?

Oh.

It was nice meeting you, Jodie.

Nice meeting you,
Mrs. David.

You're my first h*m*.

[IMITATES MRS. DAVID'S VOICE]
You're my first Texan.

[GASPS] Ah!

Yeah.

This is a... surprise.

Jodie, I'm so sorry.

I felt awful.

You have no idea
how awful I felt.

Uh, what it was... was, uh...

Carol, I know what it was.

I mean, suddenly it didn't seem
like such a terrific idea

to have a husband
who is a h*m*.

It was just that
I thought that you...

What about the baby?

What about the baby?

Well, I'd, uh...

I'd like to see
my child grow up.

Jodie, I don't want you
to be the baby's father.

Carol, I don't think
you have that choice anymore.

I don't want you
to see the baby.

What?

Someday I hope to marry,

and whoever I marry
will be the baby's father.

Carol, that's my baby.
You can't do this.

Carol, please.

What am I gonna do?

I don't stand a chance in court.

I have feelings, Carol.
It's my baby, and I care.

I don't think
I've ever cared about anything

quite as much.

Jodie, I know I'm right.

Now, I know it's hard for you,

but I know I'm doing
the right thing.

You mean my child
will never know I'm his father?

It's better this way.

Carol, it's a mistake.

It's a gigantic mistake
because it's a lie,

and a lie will always
catch up with you later.

And when it does, Carol...

When my child wants his father,

I'll be there.

♪ Bringing in The sheaves ♪

♪ Bringing in The sheaves ♪

♪ We will Come rejoicing ♪

♪ Bringing in The sheaves ♪

Hey, buddy.

What the hell is a sheaf anyway?

Hey, buddy, I'm talking to you.

What?

What is a sheaf?

It's a quantity
of cereal grasses

bound together.

Ah.

Tell me, why do we want
to bring them in? Well, uh...

Uh, it's because of the harvest.

Uh, we plant in the spring,

and we harvest...

Uh, could you try
not touching me

quite so much?

What's the matter?
You don't like to be touched?

Well, it's a...

Hey, fellas!

Fancy Pants here
don't like to be touched.

Oh, well, no, it's...

MEN: Whoo! MEN: Whoo!

Oh. Ah!

It's just that, ah...

Well, you see, I, uh,
don't really belong here.

I'm not really a bum.

You calling us bums?

Oh, no. Please.

Please don't be offended.

I like bums.

Some of my best friends are...

filthy and disgusting.

All right...

Ah, split pea!

I love split pea.

Pass the bread plate.

Are we grabbing?
Is that it?

Give me the bread.

Wait.

How do I know I like split pea?

Hey.

I remember.
That's how I know.

I remember.

Pass the plate.

Come on, pass the plate.

Please.

You are beginning to pester me.

Pester...

Nester...

Mester...

Lester! That's it!

Pass the plate.

Oh! Pl... Pa...

I'm Lester Pate!

Pleased to meet you.

Now, do you pass me the bread,

or do I tear off your head?

Oh, sir, you've
helped me to remember.

How could I ever repay you?

Bread.

Take the bread.

Take my soup.

I remember. Oh...

and I owe it all to you.

You helped me gain
my true self again.

Goodbye.

Where you going?

Home, to my family.

Oh, yeah? Where do they live?

I don't know.

But they're out there somewhere.

Somewhere,

there's a family of Pates
waiting for their Lester,

and I'll find them.

If I have to look in every city,
in every town, I'll find them,

because when Lester Pate gets it
into his head to do something,

he does it,

because that's the kind of stuff
we Pates are made of.

I think.

[♪]

Will Chester
get his memory back?

And what will Jessica do
if he comes back?

Now that Mary believes
Sally's story,

will Burt ever get her back?

Can Jodie put his life
back together

now that
he can't get Carol back?

These questions and many others
will be answered

on the next episode of...

Soap is videotaped
before a studio audience.

[♪]