02x16 - Episode 16

[bunniefuu]

In last episode of Soap,

Tim said he didn't believe

that the baby
Corinne is carrying is his.

Eunice and Dutch

are unbelievably happy
on the farm,

although believe it or not,

the police know
where they're hiding.

Sally told Mary

that Burt has been having
an affair with her

and with an -year-old,

and Mary believed her,

even though it's not true.

Jodie couldn't believe his ears

when Carol told him that
he would never see his baby.

Everyone still believes
that Chester is dead,

and Chester believes
he's somebody,

he just can't remember
who that somebody is.

Can't believe it?

You will after
tonight's episode of... Soap.

This is the story
of two sisters,

Jessica Tate

and Mary Campbell.

These are the Tates,

and these are the Campbells.

And this is Soap.

[SLURRING] And it's nice
that we're all together,

and it is great to have
drinking buddies.

So here is to
my binking druddies.

To the binking druddies.

Yeah.

[SLURS] Here. Come here.

Hey, thanks very much.

Well, you know,

I got something to show
you old druddies.

Wait'll you see this.

Wait'll you hear this.

I'm...

[SLURRING]

"Burt,

"I'm leaving you.

Mary."

She must be upset
about something.

Well, what? The only thing
she could be upset about

was that one night
I didn't come home,

and we talked about that
and everything was fine.

I'm drinking too much.

I'm getting smashed.

She's gone.
She's... She left.

She took her clothes.

Winter and summer, that's it.

Oh.
I lost her.

And I've lost Elaine.

And Jodie lost Carol.

And Dennis.

I lost Dennis and the baby.

I lost my suede jacket.

Bob, be serious.

I am serious.

I loved that jacket.

Yeah, but see,
we all lost people,

and people can't be replaced.

Well, I can't replace
that jacket!

Got that jacket in Italy.

Suede was like butter.

[HICCUPS]

How do you...
how do you...

How do you like that?

We all just lost somebody.

Three.

I lost three.

I wouldn't mind losing Bob.

Life plays funny tricks.

Oh, God.
He's gonna make a speech.

Spare me, please.

Oh, don't mind him, Burt.
He's drunk.

You see,
what happens in life is this.

Something bad happens to you
and you say, "Oh, God.

Look at this bad thing
that just happened to me."

Then you figure it's over
and it will all get good again,

but then what happens is...

another bad thing happens

and then you say,
"Pfft! That was a surprise."

"I mean,
two bad things in a row,

"but I guess that's it
for a while,

because I just had my quota
of bad."

And then

what happens is

some awful thing happens to you,

like everything gets taken away
from you,

and you say,
"Pfft! Well, that's it.

"I mean, there's nothing else
that can happen now.

I lost everything."

And then life plays
its funny trick...

You die.

Life is unfair to do that.

I'm getting nauseous.

I th... I think
I'm gonna be sick.

Breathe.

I am breathing, you jerk.

No, deeply. Breathe deeply.

I think I'm gonna throw up!

What are we doing this for?

Now he's gonna throw up!

And the rest of you
are gonna throw up

in a little while.

I could probably throw up now.

I'm not gonna throw up.

I never throw up.

What do you mean,
"I never throw up"?

I never... throw up.

Throwing up is not a choice.

You don't say,

"I'm sorry, I don't play tennis,

and I don't throw up."

Hey, wait a minute.
Wait a minute.

I bet I could make him throw up.

Oh yeah?

Yeah.

Okay.

Take your best sh*t.

Okay.

Picture this.

A sack full of worms

falls in your mouth...

and worms...

Stop! Stop!

DANNY:
Shh!

I know I could
make you throw up.

All right, imagine this.

A ton of raw liver...

Get me a spoon.

And it's out in the hot sun.

Oh, I love it.

And...

And there's maggots
crawling in it...

Oh, God! Stop it!

[GAGS]

See that? I told you.
I never throw up.

I don't even gag.

I'll stick my finger
down your throat...

No way!

Why don't...

Why don't we
save this conversation

for Buckingham Palace?

Let's... Let's...
Let's talk about something else.

What?

Carol.
Mary. Elaine.

Well, what do you say
we get out of here?

It's gonna take me three hours
to find my car.

I forget where I parked it.

We took a cab.

I forget where
I parked that too.

[THUNK]

He's out cold.

Well, he shouldn't drink

if he can't hold his liquor.

Let's go.

Hey, uh...

Hey, fellas?

You still owe me
for the last round.

Oh, he'll take care of it.

He will.

Hi.
Hi.

I was waiting up for you.

Where you been? It's late.

I was out looking for caves.

I beg your pardon?

I was looking for a cave.

A cave?

Right.

Uh-huh.

You want a cave?
Yes.

Tim, why do you want a cave?

To live in.

Oh... I see.

Would this be a one-bedroom cave
you're looking for,

or a singles cave?

I have something to tell you.

Of course, uh,

caves that don't take children
can be a problem.

Corinne?

I've decided to become a hermit.

A hermit?

Yeah.

I'm being punished for my sins.

My mother d*ed.

I can't find a job.

And you've been
unfaithful to me.

Tim, I have not been
unfaithful to you.

I swear to God

I haven't been
unfaithful to you.

Corinne, please.

He's mad enough as it is.

You're leaving me?

Yes.

Now?

Yes.

Forever?

Corinne, I'm going to make
my peace with God.

I don't know how long
it will take.

Well,
why don't you be a hermit here?

You can, uh, stay in the attic.

Come on, Corinne.

We'll turn off all the heat
and the electricity.

Oh, you'll love it,

and you can even
write on the walls.

Look, Corinne.
It's the only chance we have.

If my peace with God,

then someday
I can come back to you.

A cave. I love it.

Where am I supposed
to write you?

"Tim Flotsky, Cave E"? What?

Corinne.

Well, what are you gonna do?

Send me a rock in reply?

Come on, Corinne.
Listen, please.

A cave.

You're going to be in a cave.

I'm having our baby,

and you're going to be
in a cave.

Corinne, it's the only
chance we have.

I don't know what else to do.

Please try and understand.

Please try and believe me.

It's your baby.

Maybe by going away,
I can believe you.

I love you, Corinne.

[WIND HOWLING]

Okay, you can
open your eyes now.

Oh! How sweet, Dutch.

Well, go ahead.
Open your present.

Okay.

Oh, this is
what you've been working on.

Aw, it's a little cow.

Dog.

A dog. A little dog.

Oh, I'll love it forever.

Oh, Dutch.

I want to give you
a lot of things, Eunice.

Oh, Dutch.

This is the best birthday
I've ever had.

I love you.

I love you too.

VOICE:
It's the police.

Okay, Dutch,
we know you're in there.

Oh, my God.

Come out with your hands up.

Oh, no. Not now.

You'll never take us alive,
coppers!

Eunice!
What are you doing?

If you don't come out,
we're coming in.

Come and get us, coppers!

Eunice, this is not a movie.

Those are real cops out there,
with real g*ns.

You go into the bedroom.
I'm gonna tie you up.

Oh, Dutch, this really
isn't a good time.

No, no, no, Eunice.

You gotta pretend
to be my hostage.

Otherwise,

they're going to arrest you
as an accomplice.

I've got to make a break for it.

You can't.
They'll k*ll you.

I'm not going back to prison,

Eunice.

I'd rather be dead.

You don't know
what it's like in there.

I wouldn't be up for parole
for years.

I'll wait.

Dutch, there's no way out.

We've got state troopers
out here.

You're surrounded.

[SHOUTS] How do I know
you ain't bluffing?

[g*nsh*t]

[GLASS SHATTERING]

I guess they ain't bluffing.

[SHOUTS]
Okay! Okay!

Hold you fire!
I got a hostage!

Did you mean
what you said about waiting?

I meant it.

Because after or years,

if you was to change your mind,

I'd understand.

I love you, Dutch.

I love you too.

Hey, Dutch! How about it?

[SHOUTS]
Okay. Okay, I'm coming out.

I got a hostage.

All right.
Hostage first, then you.

Hands on head.

Wait.

[FOGHORNS SOUND]

I've lost Dennis,
I've lost Carol,

and the baby.

What have I got left?

From what I can see,
great clothes.

Who are you?

Ooh, I'd give anything
for a herringbone jacket

like that.

You thinking of leaving it
behind when you jump?

Sorry to disappoint you,

but I'm not jumping.

Please.

Who stands
on the Triborough Bridge

if they're not
thinking of jumping?

I only came out here to talk.

To who?

Myself.

Then why
don't you do it at home?

It probably smells better.

Hey, listen, aren't you
on your way somewhere?

Kind of.

Well, don't let me keep you.

You are.

It's impossible to concentrate

with all your talking.

I mean, I'm standing here

trying to write
this su1c1de note

and look what I wrote.

"Say goodbye
to Carol and Dennis."

I don't even know them.

You're going to commit su1c1de?

Not if I don't get
this note done.

Why would you want
to commit su1c1de?

Why would you?

I'm not committing su1c1de.
Oh, sure.

Many people come out
at night in the winter

to carry on a conversation
with the East River.

Listen, no matter
what's happened to you,

it can't be bad enough
to end your life.

Believe me, I know.

What you're going through
can't be any worse

than what I'm going through,
and I'd never jump.

Please. I heard
what you're going through.

You're much better off
without Carol and Dennis.

You should
send them thank-you notes.

Listen, you don't know
what you're talking about.

So you lost a lover.

Big deal.

I lost two lovers.
Nothing.

Two lovers and a baby.
Zip.

And I'm a h*m*.
Me too.

A...

What did you say?

I said, me too.

You?

Why are you so surprised?

Well, I don't know. I mean...
you don't look like a lesbian.

Oh, yeah. Well...

I loaned my black leather outfit
to one of the Hell's Angels.

His was in the cleaners.

This belongs to Julie Andrews.

Okay, so you're a lesbian.
That's still no reason to...

Listen.

My boss fired me,
my lover left me,

I've got no place to live
and no one to talk to.

With choices like that,

you either commit su1c1de
or you k*ll yourself.

What about your family?

They threw me out.

My father went nuts

when he found out we were both
dating his secretary.

Really?

No.

But he did throw me out.

Why?

Why?

All my life,

I've been a really
good daughter.

Good student.
Nice person.

Kind and considerate.

I had really nice parents.

So yesterday I decided
I had to tell them about me.

I figured if we talked about it,
they'd understand,

and maybe
I'd feel a little bit better

about what I was.

So I told them.

My mother,
a very reserved woman,

screamed, spit in my face,
and stormed out of the room.

My father, a noted psychiatrist,

called me
a sick, twisted pervert

and threw me out of the house.

I really love my father.

Uh, listen,

I know it sounds pretty bad,

and I'm sure it feels
pretty bad,

but will you believe me

when I tell you
it will get better?

No.

Hey, what do you say
we go out for a drink

together?

Look, I really want to be alone.

Then we'll go out
for a drink together,

but pretend we're alone
and not talk.

And then if, by chance,
we don't feel like being alone,

then the other person
will already be there.

What do you say?

If you're not a politician,
you ought to be.

Alice.

Jodie.

It's so quiet.

Breakfast didn't
used to be so quiet.

Yeah, it used be a zoo.

Now a lot of the animals
are gone.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

You want me to get that?

If you don't mind.

Daddy, everybody's gone.

It's what happens in w*r time.

Cowards defect.

It's him.

Just stopped by to say hello.

Now you've said it. Goodbye.

Detective Donohue, please,

sit down
and join us for breakfast.

Benson,

would you please
set another place?

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Am I supposed to get that too?

Well, I think so.

Yeah, I gotta set another place,
I gotta cook more food,

I gotta answer the doorbell,
I gotta get my head examined.

You're looking well.

Well, thank you.

You're looking well too.

I feel well.

Well, that's why.

Mary.

Mary, I'm so happy to see you.

Well, I'm not.

She's got two suitcases
in the hall.

I've left Burt.

Mary, why?

I know. I know.

Billy, would you get
Aunt Mary's bags

and put them in Eunice's room?

You can stay in Eunice's room.

It's bad enough
I have to leave the room.

Now, do I have to
schlep bags too?

Billy...

I'm years old and they still
won't talk in front of me.

I could grow up
to be Hugh Hefner,

and they still wouldn't talk.

Billy.

Benson, set another place
for breakfast, please.

You want anything to eat?

Yes, please.

Are you sure?

Mary?
What happened?

It's Burt.

Burt is her husband.

Oh, yes. I know.

I met him at the service.

Nice fellow.
Jumpy.

Well, what happened?

Don't mind me.

He's been sleeping
with three other women.

At the same time?

That's probably why
he's so jumpy.

He's been carrying on
with his secretary,

with a skinny teenager,

and an old fat woman.

Hasn't he seen
our training films?

He'll go blind.

Oh, Mary, that's nothing.

Nothing?

You call that nothing?

Well, I mean, not compared
to what Chester did.

One time,

Chester was carrying on
with five stewardesses...

five...

all on the same flight.

You always have to top me.

Oh, Benson, could I
have some coffee too?

You don't have a cup.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Who is that?

I don't know.

I suppose you want me to go see.

Well, it would be nice.

Benson,

if it's Mr. Campbell,
tell him I am not here.

Gotcha.

But, Mary, if Benson tells Burt

that you said to tell him
that you're not here,

then, I mean,

Burt is going to know
you're here.

Jessie,
he won't tell him I said it.

Oh, I see. I see.

Clever, huh?

Oh, Ma.

Eunice!

Dutch was caught.

Doing what?

At the cabin.

The police came,

and they surrounded the place,

and they took him to jail,

and they wouldn't
let me see him.

Aw...

Billy, go up to Eunice's room,

get Aunt Mary's bags

and take them to my room,

and then come down
and get Eunice's bags

and take them up to her room.

Benson, set another place
for breakfast.

You don't want to eat, do you?

Yes, I do.
I'm upset.

I always eat when I'm upset.

I eat when I'm happy.

I eat then too.

I'd love to eat.

Don't hold your breath.

Ma?

Oh, look.

Corinne's come out of her room.

Ma, I think something's wrong.

What, dear?

Look.

Yes, you're pregnant.

Don't worry.

I'll find the soldier
who's responsible.

But I'm only six weeks pregnant.

Maybe it's twins.

Maybe it's an elephant.

I called the doctor,
and she said

that I should meet her
at the hospital.

Okay. Billy,

go to Corinne's room,
get her bag,

and put it in the car,

then go to my room
and take Aunt Mary's bags

and put them in Corinne's room.

Benson, set another
place for breakfast.

If she's going to the hospital,
she doesn't need to eat.

Yes, I do.
I'm starving.

But you had breakfast earlier.

I know that,
but I'm still hungry.

Well, maybe you're not pregnant.

Maybe you're just fat.

Forget the breakfast.

Good.

I'm going into labor.

When?

Oh, now.
Now?

Medic!

Right here, now,
in the dining room?

Yeah.

Oh, well, now, okay.
Don't panic.

Everybody, just stay calm.
Just stay calm, now.

What... what, uh, what...
do you have...

Where's the... where's the car?

The car! The car!

It's in the garage, Benson.

Where's the garage?
Get the keys.

Get away. Get away.
Stop. Let's go.

Who's got the keys?

Will Danny find happiness
without Elaine?

Will he find her K*llers?

Will he find happiness
and her K*llers?

Or is that asking too much?

Will Tim find a cave?

And if he finds one,
what will he find inside?

Now that Jodie and Alice
have found each other,

what else will they find?

Will Burt find Mary?

And if he finds her...

now that she's found out...

what kind of mood
will he find her in?

What will they find
is the reason

for Corinne's
advanced state of pregnancy?

A good diet?

Or is she really a fruit fly?

Find out the answers

to these questions
and many others

on the next episode of...
Soap.

Soap is videotaped
before a studio audience.

[♪]