02x18 - Episode 18

[bunniefuu]

In the last episode of Soap,

Jessica believes
that Chester is dead,

but he is not,

and, banging his head,

he's now remembered
he's Chester Tate,

and is on his way home,
if it's not too late.

At home, of course,
Donohue and Jess

have fallen in love,
as you probably guessed.

Mary told Burt what Sally said.

He said she lied.

Mary said, "Drop dead."

Corinne gave birth
to a baby boy,

but Tim, in a cave,
couldn't share the joy.

Very confused?

Do you feel like a dope?

You won't, if you
stay tuned for... Soap.

This is the story
of two sisters,

Jessica Tate

and Mary Campbell.

These are the Tates,

and these are the Campbells.

And this is... Soap.

[BABY CRYING]

Oof.

Go back to bed, Corinne.
I'll do it.

No, I'll do it.

Come on.

Shh. If I argue with you,
I'll wake up.

Go to bed.

Oh, God, I'm waking up!

Then go to sleep, Corinne.

Where's the door?

This is it.

This is wonderful.

Every four hours,
that baby wakes up to eat,

and every four hours
when that baby wakes up to eat,

it wakes me up, and I eat too.

By the time
he sleeps through the night,

I'll weigh pounds.

What kind of men
are they drafting these days?

Come on, Gramps.

[BABY CRYING CONTINUES]

Listen to him.

We're all homesick,

but do you hear us
carrying on like that?

Hi, Benson.

Hi, Mary.

Did the baby wake you up too?

No.

All of you woke me up.

The baby don't bother me at all.

It's the rest of you.

Now, I made up a schedule.

You've got this feeding.

Corinne's got
the : ,

Eunice has got
the : ,

and so on and so on and so on.

That way, you all can
stop arguing about it

and not wake me up.

Benson, I notice that your name
isn't on this list.

Don't you want
to take a feeding?

No, thanks.

I never eat this late at night.

Hi, Mary.

Hi.

What in the world
are you doing up this late?

It's : in the morning.

Letting Corinne sleep.

Oh.

How was your date?

Very nice.

Oh, tell me everything
that happened.

Well, I went to his apartment.

Yes.

And he cooked dinner!

Yeah.

And we ate it.

And then?

And then, uh, we had dessert.

Jessie, get to the good part.

This is the good part.

Didn't you go to bed with him?

No.

No?

No.

Oh, Jess.

Gee, you sound more disappointed
than he did.

I thought you liked him.

I do.
I do, and I wanted to.

I mean, I really did.

But then when it came time to...

Well, I couldn't.

I mean, I... I just couldn't
be unfaithful to Chester.

Jessie, Chester is dead.

And even when he was alive,

he was no saint.

Mm.

If it was me, I'd jump
at the chance.

I can't wait to have an affair.

Mary, Burt is still alive.

What difference does that make?

We're finished.

The man has slept in more beds

than Washington.

I want an affair.

I want a beautiful,
storybook, romantic,

never-to-be-forgotten
affair,

and if I can't have that,

I'll settle
for a one-night stand.

I had an affair once.

I know.

I don't think I like them.

Why?

Well, I don't know.

There's something really nice

about being with
one person all your life.

I mean, you don't have
to explain your scars to him,

and you don't have to keep your
chin all up all the time...

you know, so it doesn't double...

and you don't have to lie
in the one position

where nothing sags.

I mean, Mary, try making love
propped up on one elbow

with your hand behind your head.

Oh, my God, you're right.

And in the morning...

To be seen in the morning?

I mean, Burt's used to me,
but a strange man?

I mean, he'd take one look at me
and leave the bed in a rocket.

Well, an affair is one thing,

but love is something else.

I've even scared myself
in the morning.

Detective Donohue loves me.

You know, Mary, I don't think

that he would care
what I looked like.

I could have an affair

only if the man was blindfolded.

Detective Donohue
thinks I'm wonderful,

and because he loves me,

I'm the most beautiful thing
that ever lived.

Oh, Jessie, do you realize

that because of the way
I look in the morning

I can never have an affair?

I could k*ll Burt.

Mary?

I'm going to have an affair
with Detective Donohue.

Now?

No, silly.

I have to get some sleep.

I want to look my best.

I mean, love may be blind,
but there's a limit.

[KNOCKING]

Who is it?

[FAKE VOICE] United Parcel.

Oh, you lied!

I lied?
I lied? Me?

You tell my wife

I've been in more motels
than the Gideon Bible,

and I lied?

Don't hurt me.

Please, don't hurt me.

Sit down, Sally.

My God, you're gonna k*ll me!
He's gonna k*ll me!

I ought to.

Oh, Burt, please.
I had to do it. I had to.

You don't...

Don't sh**t!
Please, don't sh**t!

What? Who's...
What's sh**ting?

Help! Help!

He's gonna k*ll me! Help!

This is New York.
Who's gonna come?

Help! Oh, please!

Sally, Sally, Sally, hang on.

Now, I'm not here to k*ll you.

Please. Now, just
shut up and sit down.

You're not
gonna k*ll me? No.

Do you swear?
I swear to you.

Sit down.

I'm here... I'm here to find out
why you did what you did.

Why you told Mary
the things you told her.

I can't tell you.

You can't tell me?

No.

I spend one drunk night here
that I don't even remember,

and you tell my wife
I've been sleeping with you,

a pom-pom girl,
and Grandma Moses,

and you can't tell me why?

That's right.

k*lling's looking
like a great idea here.

If it's any help,

the reason you can't remember

what you did
the night you were here

is because
you didn't do anything.

I didn't do anything?

That's right.

You mean I admitted
something awful to Mary

that I never even did?

I'm sorry.

We didn't?

You couldn't.

I couldn't, so we didn't?

I'm not saying we wouldn't,

but you couldn't, so we didn't.

But you would have
if I could have? Of course.

But we didn't?
We didn't.

Oh, God! I gotta tell Mary.

Come with me. She's
never gonna believe me.

I can't!

I've gotta get
out of town. No, Sally...

[KNOCKING]
Oh, my God. Burt! Quick, hide.

Hide... Who am I
hiding from?

Get in the closet!

Why am I hiding?
I can't tell you. Please.

Fine.
I'm not hiding.

I'm... being blackmailed.

Yeah, so?

So if you think things have
been bad for you up until now,

if you're seen here,
they're going to get much worse.

[KNOCKING]

I gotta hide.

So how's the little
home wrecker?

Going somewhere?

Listen, I did what you asked.

Just give me the film.

The Campbells are apart?

Yes.

And they are miserable?

Yes.

Destroyed?

They're miserable.
You said you wanted miserable.

I want them destroyed!

They're destroyed.

It's hard to tell.

They're so miserable

you could hardly even see
a facial expression.

And this is just the beginning.

This is just practice.

I will wipe out
both those sisters

for taking my Corinne from me.

You haven't seen nothing yet.

I'm sure we haven't.

Could I please just have...

You know, I sort of hate
to give it up.

It's so original.

Tell me, where in the world

did you find all those midgets?

Ah, the magic of celluloid.

Here.

Love the hot tub sequence.

I am surprised you didn't drown.

I don't believe it.

She's back?

I just don't believe that.

Oh, Burt.

I'm so sorry.

Oh, Sally, come on.
It's all right.

Don't cry, now.
It's over. It's all over.

What I did to you
is so horrible.

Come on.
It's all right.

My brother was sick.

I mean, he was really sick,

and he needed money,
so I did this.

I'm so ashamed.

Oh, Sally, what a shame.
Don't be...

Come on, what you did
for your brother

and your family here was...
was a wonderful thing.

I think
you're a very brave lady.

I'm rotten and I'm ashamed.

Sally, come on.

Don't talk like that.

Ho...

Holy cow!

How can I ever face you again?

Good God.

Burt, forgive me.

Hey, it's okay.

It's just everything is...
everything is...

Boy, are you limber.

I'll disappear, Burt.

I'm gonna get on a plane,
and I'm gonna go far away.

I'll never hurt you again.

Oh, God forgive me!

Ah, Sally, don't worry, he will,

and... and... and Mary will,
and I do already,

so you see, everything's okay.

Come on. Everything's fine.

You're so good.

Come on.

God bless you, Burt.

Ha!

Aah.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Come in, Danny.

How are you?

I'll tell you how I am.

I'm exhausted.

I haven't slept in days.

Now, Jodie, we've got to get Mom
and Burt back together again.

Burt is going crazy.

He comes in my room
in the middle of the night,

and he shakes my mattress
until I fall out of bed,

and then he says,

"Huh, huh, you couldn't sleep
either, huh?"

Then he sits there
until the sun comes up

asking me,
"What's it all about?"

Well, I'm so exhausted,

even if I knew
what it was all about,

I couldn't tell him.

Now, we gotta get them
back together again.

So you can sleep?
Noble, Danny.

No, no, not so I can sleep.

Look, they love each other.

They should be together.

And I believe Burt.

I think he's telling the truth,
but Mom won't listen to him.

Talk to her, Jodie.
She listens to you.

She takes your advice.

Yeah, on decorating.

Everything's cleaned up...

Oh, excuse me. I didn't
know you had company.

Hello.

How do you do?
It's nice meeting you.

Bye.

That's Alice.

She... lives here.

Sort of.

All right!

Uh, uh, Danny...

You son of a g*n, you!

I knew if I took you
to enough hockey games,

you'd see the light.

Whoa, Dan.

Son of a g*n.

She's pretty.
She's sexy.

She's gay.

Oh, come on.

You almost had me going
there for a minute.

Hey, listen.

I hope I'm not getting
out of line or anything,

but I just want you to know

that I'm not trying
to take Jodie away from you.

I beg your pardon?

Uh, Alice...

We share the place,
but we both lead our own lives,

and you two can have
all the privacy you want.

Uh, I... I don't...
I don't understand.

Aren't you his date?

Date?

I mean, why not?
You're gorgeous.

His date?!

Uh, Alice, uh,

this is Danny, my brother.

Brother?

[DEEP, MANLY VOICE] His brother!

Oh. I'm so embarrassed.

I'm sorry, Danny.

Brother. Who knew?

I'll, uh, go make sandwiches.

She's cute.

Now, how could she be gay?

What do you mean?

Well, it's as simple
as the nose on your face.

She's a girl.

So?

So, Jodie, boys are gay.
Boys, not girls.

Is that so?

Yeah.

Yeah, if girls were gay
and boys were gay,

they'd cancel each other out.

Comprendo?

No, Danny.

She really is gay?

Really gay.

A gay woman.

Oh, boy.

Just when you think
you knew it all.

A gay woman.

No, sit.

The sandwiches are coming.

Nah, I gotta go.

What do you mean? I just
made a lot of sandwiches.

No, I can't stay.

I'm... I'm tracking down
some kidnappers.

On an empty stomach?

I never heard of such a thing.

You're still going after them?

Yeah. I got a new lead.

Danny, why don't you
just forget it?

They k*lled my wife.
You expect me to forget that?

I don't,
but going after them is foolish,

because if you find them
and k*ll them,

you'll be in trouble,
and if not, they'll k*ll you.

I'm gonna find them.
They're pros, Danny.

They'll get you.
I know it.

And if they do, I'll...

What?

I'll... get them.

Hey, I'm as big a jerk
as you are.

Be careful, huh?

I will.

Here, I made some for you.

Chasing kidnappers
can make you hungry.

Thanks, Alice.

When you get back,

I'm gonna make you a nice meal.

So long, Jodie's brother.

You'll talk to Ma?

I'll talk to Ma.

All right.
I'll see you later.

She's not gay.

I fell over you.

Are you all right?
Yes, I...

I didn't hurt you, did I?
No. I... I'm fine, really.

I'm such a klutz.

Yes.

Don't move. I have
something for you.

Uh, would you mind

if I brushed my teeth first?

No, no.
You don't understand.

Now, wait right there.

Breakfast in bed.

Oh, I love breakfast in bed.

This is gonna be
a little tricky, though.

The tray has a leg missing.

I don't think
it's going to stand up

with a missing leg.

Well, that's why
I brought this book.

Watch this.

Oh.

It looks wonderful.

It's Rice Krispies.

I love Rice Krispies.

Problem is, there's no milk.

Oh, that's all right.

I... I don't need any milk.

Probably gonna be little dry.

I like them that way, dry.

It keeps them crispier.

If they're too dry,

we could always pour some water
in there.

No, they're delicious.

Hey, this book really works.

Oh, golly.

No, that...
that's all right.

I don't want any more.
I'm full.

Well, I'll be all right
in a year or two,

after I calm down.

Uh, why are you so nervous?

Well, because
I'm crazy about you,

and I don't know if you like me

after last night.

I loved last night.

Couldn't you tell?

I never behaved
like that in my life.

Like what?

Well, I was so, um, so, um...

Loud.

I'm so embarrassed.

No, no, loud is good.

I knew you were there.

You really liked
last night, huh?

I think you're
a wonderful lover.

Think so?

Yeah.

People have told me
I'm an animal.

You know at one point
you screamed?

Yeah.

When you got caught in the sheet

and knocked the lamp on my head.

I think I'm in love with you.

I think I love you too.

Will you marry me?

Well, we have lots of time.

Yeah, you're right.

So you think
I'm a good lover, huh?

Mm-hmm.

What about me is good?

Well... you're gentle
and, uh, considerate.

That's it?

That's what makes me good...

gentle and considerate?

That makes a good pediatrician.

Well, that's not all.

What else?

Come on, you can tell me.

Come on.

[WHISPERING]

I think that's hereditary.

Me and my sister.

I hate to leave you.

I hate for you to leave me.

I'll miss you.

I'll miss you too.

I love you.

I love you too.

Well, Mrs. Tate,
nice bumping into you.

Hi there, Benson.

Do you know what time it is?

Gee, no, I'm sorry.
I don't.

Do you know what
time it is? No, uh, sorry.

It's : in the morning!

Well, thank you.

You couldn't call?

Oh, Benson, you were worried?

No, no, no.
I wasn't worried.

You were.
You were worried.

No, no, no, no,
I wasn't worried.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Next time,
I'm gonna break your neck.

Benson...

Who's at the door, Benson?

I'm not sure.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

You want me to get that?

If you don't mind.

You don't want me to get that.

Yes, I do.

No, you don't.

Benson...

I'm home.

Chester...

Chester.

Chester...

I'm home, Jessica.

I'm home.

And I remember.

Chester?

Oh, Jessica.

Oh, my darling, darling Jessica.

You must have been worried sick.

She is now.

Is this the last time

Ingrid will bother
the Tates and Campbells?

And if not,
isn't it enough already?

Will Jodie and Danny
be successful

in getting
Mary and Burt together?

And if they are,

will Burt be successful

in getting her to believe

that he hasn't slept
with anyone?

Now that Jessica and Donohue
have found true love,

will Chester's resurrection
put a kink in the relationship?

These questions and many others
will be answered

on the next episode of...
Soap.

Soap is videotaped
before a studio audience.

[♪]