02x19 - Episode 19

[bunniefuu]

In the last episode of Soap,

much to Detective Donohue's
surprise,

Jessica decided
to have an affair with him,

and the next morning,
much to everyone's surprise,

Chester returned home.

Sally was surprised

when Burt showed up
at her apartment

to find out why she told
those surprising stories

about him,

and Burt was surprised
to find out

it was because Ingrid Swenson
was blackmailing her.

Corinne came home
with her beautiful healthy baby

that she had

after a surprisingly short
pregnancy.

Tim hasn't been surprised
with the news yet,

since he's now living in a cave.

Surprised?

You won't be after
tonight's episode of... Soap.

This is the story
of two sisters,

Jessica Tate

and Mary Campbell.

These are the Tates,

and these are the Campbells.

And this is Soap.

[SHOUTING AND ARGUING]

[SIGHS]

He's washing up
and getting settled in.

What's gonna happen with us?

I don't know.

I mean, just a few hours ago,

we were discussing marriage.

Well, I wasn't married then.

[SIGHS]

Do you love him?

Yes.

See you.

I love you too.

I loved him first.

Do you love him most?

I loved him longest.

You didn't love him lately.

I love you both.

I'd love to clean
the living room.

Benson...

I love you.

Really, I do...

But Chester's my husband.

It's funny.

You hired me to find him.

I didn't.

I found you.

[♪]

JESSICA:
Chester...

In here.

Chester, I wanted to talk...

Oh, I'm so sorry.

I didn't know
you were in the bath.

Jess, come on in.

No, thank you, Chester,
I bathed this morning.

No,
I meant come in the bathroom.

Oh.

Well, we could talk later.

No, come on, Jess,
I've missed talking to you.

Oh.

Well...

How are you, Chester?

Oh, Jess, you have no idea
what I went through.

It was awful, just awful.

Oh, Chester.

But let's not talk about that.
Let's talk about happy things.

What did you want to tell me?

I thought you were dead,
Chester.

Well...
I... I know you did, Jess.

Everyone thought you were dead.
Chester.

Is that what you wanted
to tell me?

Well, that's part of it.

You... You... You see, Chester,

we all thought you were dead...

And, well, I mean, you know,
when you think a person is dead,

then you start doing things
as if they are not there,

which of course, being dead,
they are not.

Yes?

And so...

I... I thought you were dead,

and I did things that you do
after your husband dies.

Like what?

Like...

Have a funeral.

Oh, that's nice.

Who came?

Nobody. They all had headaches.

And?

And what?

And what were you going
to tell me?

Oh, uh... nothing.

Oh, come on, you silly.

You're acting

like it's the most
terrible thing

in the world.

How terrible could it be?

[FORCED LAUGH]

Terrible.

Oh, well,

it's not as if you're going
to tell me

that you took up
with another man.

Oh, come on, Jess.

The only thing
that could be so awful

is if you gave away
all my clothes,

or you took up with another man.

Both.

You gave away all my clothes?

Oh, Chester.

You were joking
about the affair, weren't you?

No, Chester.

You had an affair?

Oh, Jess, how could you?

I thought
you were dead, Chester,

and, well, of course,
it's not true,

because, I mean, here you are,
and you're not,

but I didn't know it.

Who was he?

Well... it's not important.

I have a right to know, Jess.
I'm your husband.

[MUFFLES WORDS]
Detective Donohue.

What?

Detective Donohue.

Detective Donohue?

The silly-looking little guy?

He happens to be wonderful.

[CRACKING UP]
I'm sure he is, Jess.

I'm sure he is.

Oh, Chester.

I'm sorry, Jess.

I'm just relieved that it's him.

For a second there,
I was really worried.

I just wouldn't want
to lose you, Jess,

that's all.

Hi, Billy.

[MUMBLING]

I don't believe it.

Lisa, hi.
How's everything?

Sit down.
How are you?

I'm fine. I'm great.

I've been far, far away.

When you stopped
coming to school last year,

I figured you moved.

I did.

You look terrific.

You look terrible.

Thanks. Hey, this is incredible.

You want a Coke,
fries, carrot cake?

I look terrible?

You look sad.

Sad? I'm hysterical.

Seeing you again is great.

What do you mean,
I look terrible?

Well, you used to look nervous
and happy.

Now you look nervous and sad.

No, that's because
whenever you saw me,

I was nervous around you,

I'd drop things, stutter,
and fall down a lot.

You don't do that anymore?

No.

So you moved.

Yes.

Where to?

Utopic Euphoria.

Let me get a pen.

No, Billy,

Billy, I moved to another plane,

another dimension.

Here, here's my address.

You sure
you don't want anything to eat?

Thanks, no.

"The Church of the Golden Ray.

Reverend Sun Ray Sun, founder."

I'm a Sunny.

Oh?

Hey, why don't you come with me.

You could see the church,
understand our way of life.

No, I have a class
in minutes.

Don't you have a class to go to?

Oh, my life is a class.

I've thought of you often,

Billy.

I never even knew
you thought I was alive.

Well, that's because
I was in another world,

but now,
I'm in Reverend Sun's world.

I love it.

I love everything. I love you.

Me?

All things.

Sunnys know how to love
and feel.

You seem so troubled.

I am...

sort of.

I just don't have anyone
to talk to,

anyone who'll listen to me.

I mean, my parents will.

They sort of have
their own problems,

and I don't want to add to them.

The Sunny will listen, Billy.
I'll listen.

You will.

Come.

Come with me.

But I have a class...

I love you.

That I can make up tomorrow.

Three minutes.

Don't put your fingers
on the glass.

Glass?

Look at this.

Oh.

[GRUMBLING]

I am sorry.

She's sorry.

Why is there glass?

Because if it was brick,

it'd hardly be worth the trip.

Uh-huh,
and why can't I touch the glass?

Might I get a shock?

No, I get a smudge.

Lady, you've got any idea

how many times a day
I gotta clean this?

I'm sure I don't care.

You've now got
two-and-a-half minutes.

No smoking, no swearing,
no spitting.

I never spit. I don't spit.
I live in Connecticut.

Dutch, oh, Dutch,

oh, my God, look what
they've done to you.

[NO SOUND]

I said...

[SHOUTING] My God, look
what they've done to you!

[LOUDER] I said,
My God, look what...

Lady, please,

you're gonna wake up
the whole prison.

Lady, pick up the phone.

Phone?

I have to talk to him
on the phone?

No, you could
sit there and holler

and annoy everybody,

or you could pick up the phone

like a person

and talk nice.

Dutch.

Eunice.

Dutch, oh, Dutch.

Oh, my God,
look what they've done to you.

What?

Behind glass.

My Dutch, behind glass.

Dirty screws!

Eunice, please, relax, honey.

Relax?

My man is being treated
like an animal,

and you want me to relax?

Boy, you look good, sweetie.

Oh, Dutch,
I can't bear being without you.

I'm going nuts in here
without you too.

Dutch, you have no idea
what it's like out here.

Yes, I do, Eunice.
I was out there.

You've got no idea
what it's like in here.

Oh, Dutch.

There's no privacy.
There's no quiet.

There's no women.

You can't take a shower
by yourself.

The food is lousy.

Women?

You want women?

Oh, honey, I want you.
I need you.

I need you too, Dutch.

I need to touch you.

I need to touch you too.

Oh, Eunice.

Oh, Dutch.

I don't believe this.

Hey, lady.

We're in love.

Yeah, but you're kissing glass.

I mean, what is it
with you outsiders?

The first thing you do
when you come in here,

you start to kiss the glass.

Sorry.

Sorry?

That's sick, that's sick!

Please, it is all we have.

That's it, Eunice,
I can't take this anymore.

I'm breaking out of here.

Oh, now, listen, Dutch,
just please try and be patient.

I think I found a lawyer,

and he says he can get you off

if you'd just turn
State's Evidence.

Are you crazy?

Do you know what they do
to squealers in here?

Dutch...

It's our only chance, Dutch.

Now, just think.

You'd be free.

Free.

Will you talk to him, Dutch?

Oh, Eunice.

Oh, Dutch.

Again with the glass.

Listen, lady, your time's up.

I love you, Eunice.

I love you, Dutch.

Hey, how about it?

Hold your water, screw.

Eunice, relax,
I've got to live here.

All right, but just promise me
you'll talk to the lawyer, okay?

Okay, okay.
Okay.

Um, if he... breaks out
and gets caught,

how much longer
would he have to stay in?

Five more years.

See, honey?

So I'd think twice
about anything

if I were you, okay?

Yeah.

[♪]

I can't believe
I let you talk me into this.

Sally, relax. Everything
is gonna be fine.

Oh, fine, fine.

Your mother's gonna walk in,
kiss you, and k*ll me.

I'm leaving.

Sally, you promised.

She's probably not even coming.

What makes you think
she's coming?

I called her and told her

that Danny was very sick.

She's a mother.
She'll come.

What about Burt?

Where's Burt?

We sent him to the store.

When he comes back,
he'll find her here.

What if they meet each other
coming up the driveway?

They'll k*ll each other.

And she'll walk in and k*ll me.

I'm leaving.

Here she comes.
Get her in the kitchen.

Come on, come on.

Hi.

I got here as soon as I could.

Where is he?
Is he throwing up?

Uh, maybe.

Hi.

What are you doing out of bed?
You're sick.

I'm not.

You told me he was sick.

I lied.

You lied?

Ma, it was the only way

that we could get you here.

We spoke to Burt,
and we believe him.

Fine, you live with him.

You've got to see him, Ma.

You've got to listen to him.

Now, I've been with him
since you left,

and I believe
he's telling the truth.

Forget it.

Okay, I've got all this...

Hey, Mare.

What are you doing here?

As if you didn't know.

No, no, they told me
to go to the store

to get some traps and cheese,

because there are rats

in the attic.

They're wrong.

The rats are in the living room.

Ma, wait.

Listen to him, please.

And then you can leave

if you want to,

but, Mom, just
give him a chance,

just listen to him.

Want some cheese?

I mean, the market was low.
I had to get Camembert.

For rats...

If they were French rats,

I'd be in no trouble at all
here.

Mare...

Mare, I never slept with Sally.

Is that what you have to say?

Yeah.

First, you told me

that you slept
with an old, fat woman,

then you told me
you slept with Sally,

and now you tell me
that you slept with no one.

Burt, one of the tricks
to lying successfully

is to not keep changing
your story.

But, Mare, I'm not lying.
I swear, I told you the truth.

Really? When?

Well, both times, actually.

When I told you
I slept with Sally,

that was the truth,
because then, I thought I did,

but now, when I tell you
I didn't sleep with Sally,

it's the truth,
because I found out I never did.

Come on, Mare.
Where are you going?

To the movies.

At least there,
along with a story,

I get some popcorn.

Ma?

Ma, we... we've got
a surprise for you.

Some surprise.

I can't wait to see
what you're planning

for Christmas.

Mrs. Campbell,

please believe me,
everything I've told you

is a lie.

She has a lovely sense of humor,
doesn't she?

[STAMMERING]

I never had an affair with Burt.

There was no -year-old.

I made it all up.

Ingrid Swenson's
been blackmailing me.

Ingrid Swenson?

You see, Mare?
I told you.

I'm supposed to believe her?

Get serious.

It's true.

She wanted me to destroy you,
and she was blackmailing me.

You see, I...

I made a film
that I'm not very proud of

that she got ahold of.

And what? thr*aten
to give it to Pauline Kael?

[LAUGHING]

It was a p*rn film.

Sure.

Look.

I'll prove it to you.

This is it.

Please,

I have no interest in looking.

I do.

Otherwise, you won't believe me.

Oh, please, Mary,

I really want you to believe me.

Now do you understand?

Weren't you cold?

The lights were hot.

Anyway, she had this film,

and she was blackmailing me

to try to break up
your marriage.

Did you know
the man in the mask?

Eventually.

Mary, Burt loves you.

You have no idea how much.

There's no way in the world

he could ever be
unfaithful to you.

God knows I tried.

[STAMMERING]

But I never...

I never did, Mary.

Sally, thanks.

Yeah.

Guys...

You never...?

Never.

With anyone?

No.

Oh, God, I thought...

Oh, I know.

I hated you.

I have never hated anyone
so much.

I saw that.

That's because I love you so.

I know.

Oh, Burt...

Come on.

[♪]

[BABY TALK]

Utchie-gutchie,
utchie-gutchie!

Eeugh.

[HIGH-PITCHED]
Whoo, wittle baby,

Gwandma wuvs you
very, very much.

Yes, she does.

Why are you doing that?

[NORMAL VOICE]
Benson, this is my grandchild.

So?

Oh, it's baby talk.

Well, I don't hear him
talking that way.

Oh, Corinne,

he is the most beautiful baby,

I think, in the whole world.

Me too,

but I'm partial.

Grandpa,

what do you think of
your great-grandchild?

Is it a boy or a girl?

Daddy, it's a boy, silly.

It's hard to tell
without a uniform.

At ease.

I just wish Tim could be here.

He doesn't even know
the baby's been born.

Corinne,

maybe somebody
should go to his cave

and tell him he's a father.

You see, that way, he'll know.

Otherwise, I mean, he won't,

and why should he come
and see his son

if he doesn't know
that he has one?

That's a good idea, Ma,

but... but Tim
doesn't believe

it's his baby.

Well, considering
how good-looking that baby is,

I don't believe it either.

[BABY TALK]

Oh, Lord,
I can't take any more of this.

[BABY TALK]

Ma...

why don't we all go downstairs

and let him sleep.

He's had a very busy day.

I'll say he had a busy day.

I've changed him six times.

[BABY TALK]

[SCARY MUSIC PLAYING]

[DIABOLICAL LAUGH]

Now that Jessica has a lover
and a husband,

what will life be like for her,
besides busy?

Now that his high school love

is going to introduce him
to the Sunnys,

what's in store for Billy?

Now that Burt and Mary
are back together,

what will Ingrid Swenson
do next?

Now that Eunice
has convinced Dutch

not to break out,

will she break in?

And now, as if the Tates
don't have enough trouble,

what the devil is going on
in the nursery?

These questions and many others

will be answered on the next
episode of... Soap.

Soap is videotaped
before a studio audience.

[♪]