02x21 - Episode 21

[bunniefuu]

In the last episode of Soap,

Chester found

that Jessica's affair
with Detective Donohue

was no fly-by-night,
frivolous fling,

and has asked her
for another chance

to become the fellow
she fell for

in the first place.

Corinne found Tim in his cave

and told him

that if he wanted to find peace
with himself,

he'd better come down
from his mountain

and find a way
to help his possessed son.

Though some of the Campbells

find Jodie and Alice's
gay relationship

a little strange,

Alice finds
the Campbells even stranger.

Billy finds that even though
his old flame

is a follower
of a far-out religious group,

he'd follow her anywhere.

Burt and Danny went looking
for Elaine's kidnappers.

Danny didn't find them,
but Burt found a flying saucer.

Danny finds Burt's findings
completely unfounded.

And Burt is dumbfounded
that Danny feels that way.

Confused?

You won't be

after tonight's
episode of... Soap.

This is the story
of two sisters,

Jessica Tate

and Mary Campbell.

These are the Tates,

and these are the Campbells.

And this is Soap.

[♪]

[SHOUTING AND ARGUING]

I know what I saw.

Here we are, Burt.
We're home.

How did you miss it?

How did you not see it?

With the lights?
The noise? Danny...

I don't know.

Let's talk about it later, huh?
Come on.

Let's get you
a glass of warm milk

and a hot bath...
you're gonna feel much better.

There, see?
You think I'm crazy.

No, Burt.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, you do.
You think I'm nuts.

What, hot milk and a warm bath?

Warm milk and a hot bath.

That's for crazy people.

You're not crazy, Burt.

I don't think you're crazy.

Well, you're driving me crazy.

I've gotta get
some sleep around here.

I have an audition tomorrow.

I'm gonna have circles
under my eyes.

You're home. Thank God.

I was so worried.

Jodie told me where you went.

What happened?

Nothing. It was a false alarm.

Danny, I don't
want you to do this...

What's the matter?

Burt?

What?

Is something wrong?
You look strange.

Mercy me!
She finally noticed.

Tell her.

Just keep quiet, will you?

No, Burt, I think
you should tell her.

What? Tell me what?

Nothing.

Burt!

Listen, I'm not gonna tell you,

because you won't believe it,

and then you're gonna
laugh at me.

I won't laugh at you, Burt.

You will.

I... I... I won't!

You promise?

I promise.

You?

I swear.

You?

I'm not gonna laugh.

I might yawn, but
I'm not gonna laugh.

Okay. All right,
because this is serious.

A really fantastic thing
happened tonight.

I saw a flying saucer.

[CACKLING]

I knew it. I knew it.

I knew I never should have
said it.

That's the last time
I tell anybody here anything.

[LAUGHING]
Oh, my sides. I'm dying.

I can't breathe!

Chuck...

Upstairs, please.

Danny...

Oh, that's worth staying up for.
A flying saucer!

[BOB CACKLING]

You think I'm crazy.

You're not crazy.

Then you believe me?

You're not crazy.

You see that?

I knew it.
You don't believe me.

I'm sure you saw
something, Burt.

Maybe a funny-shaped
cloud

or a large bird or...

Mary, no.
There's no bird.

This was not a bird.

I mean I stood there
and I watched it.

I watched it rise up
behind this little hill

and it went up and up
and up and... whoosh!

It was gone.

Well, what did it look like?

Oh, it was shiny
and had a lot of lights

and made a big noise and...
it's no bird.

No plane, no dream.

This is a flying U.F.O.
from-another-planet saucer.

You think I'm crazy. You do.

It's written all over your face.

No, I don't.
I don't think you're crazy.

You do. You do.

You're sitting there saying,
"ah, my husband, stable man."

Huh? "Last year, invisible.
This year, space cadet."

Burt, you've been
under a strain.

No, no, I'm under a strain now.

Now is the strain.
Before was a picnic.

Darling, listen, you know, uh...

you haven't taken any time off

in a long time.

Maybe we could take
a little vacation

and go away...
to the beach.

To Nantucket.

Sure, take the nut to Nantucket.

Mary, I don't need
a vacation here.

What I need here
is for you to believe me.

That's what I need.

I know that's asking a lot.
Mr. Mental Health here,

asking you to believe
a flying saucer story,

but that's it, that's the truth.

Hey, please believe me, honey.

Mare, take it on faith.

I'm not lying. I'm not mistaken.

The only choices left are
I'm crazy

or I'm telling the truth.

Pick one.

[CHANTING]

Anybody home?

Oh, welcome. Welcome, welcome.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

I came here to see...

Although I am white,
and you are black...

Please...

We are both one in the eyes
of the Reverend Sun-Ray Sung.

Too bad he's not
the president of South Africa.

Reverend Sung
is the ruler of the universe.

Big job.

Listen, uh...

I came here to see Billy Tate.

I'll look for him.

Crutaya.

Mmm.

Very nice.

A grown man walking around
with bean dip between his ears.

Benson!

Hi there.

Benson, what are you doing here?

I was about to ask you
the same thing.

Lisa, this is Benson.

Benson, Lisa.

Oh... hari bari!

Are you here to shed your fears

and rid your body and mind

of stress and aggravation?

No, in my work, I need
my stress and aggravation.

I came here to see Billy.

Well, perhaps Billy
could show you around.

I have to go now

to my anti-deprogramming
seminar.

Okay. See you later.

Crutaya.

Isn't she something?

What are you doing here?

What do you mean?

I mean, are you going to join
this organization or what?

Oh, no, I'm just here
because of Lisa.

Oh, yeah...
She's the bait they use.

Maybe she likes me.

Maybe I finally found someone
who just likes having me around.

Look, Billy, I know

that things are rough at home,

but joining up with these people

is not the answer.

She loves me. She told me so.

Sure, she loves you, all right.

She loves you. She loves tulips.

She loves cheese danish,
linoleum...

They're trained that way.

But the only one
they really love

is their leader.

I don't call that love.

Look, I'm crazy about her,
so try to understand, okay?

Okay.

If you need me,
you know where to find me.

I guess I better be going.

Hey...

What?

You mad at me?

Oh, hell, no.

Disappointed in me?

No.

Look, I just don't want you
to do nothing dumb.

Don't worry.

Benson.

What?

I love you.

Just don't shave your head.

Don't worry.

I worry.

Hi.

Oh... hi.

Thank you.

They walk around

with those trays
in front of them,

they can't see a thing.

Hi, how are you?

Fine.
How are you?

Fine.

Well, a nervous wreck.

How long have you been here?

Oh, since breakfast.

When you called
and told me to meet you,

I knew you were going to end it,
so I thought I'd get here early

and fortify myself
with a few drinks.

Well, I didn't come here
to end it.

You didn't?

No, silly.

But I had all those drinks.

I hate to drink.

Are you drunk?

No, I threw up
in the men's room.

Are you ready to order?

I think so.
Jessica?

Yes, I think
that I will have the...

Sole Veronique, please.

Ah, Sole Veronique.
Very nice. Very nice.

And I'll have the fresh mussels.

Mussels?

Right.

Do you want mussels?

There aren't any mussels?

Oh, for the seagulls, maybe.

This is the wrong season
for mussels.

Mussels. Did I say
mussels?

How dumb. What
was I thinking?

We're not even close
to the mussel season.

I know, mussels now?
What a laugh.

I didn't mean to say mussels.

I meant to say Brussels.

Brussels sprouts.

Do you want...

You want Brussels sprouts
as a main course?

Of course not.
For the main course,

I'd like to have
the Duck L'Orange.

And could I please have peaches
instead of oranges?

No.

Just testing.

I'll have the oranges,

and bring us a bottle
of your ' Montrechet.

[SIGH]

Same as the mussels?

Fifty-six?

No?

Think.

Frost in ' .

The big frost?

Oh, the big frost!

I forgot all about it.

The wine was terrible that year.
Fudgsicles were good.

Completely forget
about the wine.

Just bring us a bottle
of your best.

Perhaps you'd like that to go.

It's not over between us?

No.

I came here, really,
to apologize

for taking so long
to make a decision.

Oh, that's okay. I understand.

I just can't decide.

Well, its not like

you're picking a wallpaper,
you know.

I know.

Well, if it were medieval times,
it would be so much easier.

I mean, then,

if a lady couldn't decide
between two suitors,

she'd give them a kind of a test
like, uh, you know,

who could slay a dragon

and that one
would be the winner.

Gee, if I only knew
where there was a dragon.

What if I slay Chester?

I promise you
I'll make a decision soon.

It's not easy, you know.

Especially the nights.

Lying alone there,

wondering what you and Chester
are doing in bed.

Nothing.

We sleep.

Oh, come on, Jessica.

No, I mean, really,
we're not having any sex.

[LOUDLY]
You're not having sex with him?

Great. Want to have sex with me?

I just wanted to ask you,

please, to be patient with me
a little while longer.

I'll be patient with you
for the rest of my life.

Golly, it would be
so much easier

if you weren't so perfect.

Oh...

[THUMP]

Your wine, monsieur.

Oh, Benson,

Corinne and Tim
will be here soon.

I think you should go upstairs
and make up their room.

You do, do you?

Yes, Benson,

while you're at it,

you can make up our room too,

The sheets haven't
been changed in days.

That's because

I haven't changed them in days.

I'm aware of that.

And unless that devil upstairs
makes other living arrangements,

I'm never going up there again.

What about our bed?

Bring it down here.
I'll be glad to change it.

Benson...
there is no devil upstairs.

Fine.

You go change the baby.

Benson, what are you afraid of?

Death...
pain and death.

How about unemployment?

Oh, don't be ridiculous.

Oh, Corinne,

how are you, darling?

Hi, Mom.
Hi, Dad.

Well, hey... s... son.

So how's the baby?

Fine. Just fine.

Corinne and Benson

seem to think we have a problem.

Frankly, I haven't noticed

anything out of the ordinary

a little house shaking,

a little light blinking

a little furniture flying...

a little maniacal laughter.

But I'm sure he finds it
all very amusing.

Personally, I don't think
he's possessed.

I think he's a little hyper.

Of course, everyone's entitled
to their own opinion.

Don't get me wrong.

I enjoy Superman,

but for $ million dollars,

he should've been
flying around the lobby.

Oh, Jodie!

Hi.

Hi.

Sorry, I didn't know
you were home.

I am.

Maxine, this is Jodie.

Hi.

Larry.

Hi.

Hi.

That's Alice and Maxine.

Hi.
Hi.

Hi.
Hi.

We'll go.

You don't have to go.

Don't be silly.
Come on, we'll go.

No, no, no, don't be silly.

This is your apartment.

Alice, you live in it too.

Don't be silly.

Alice, don't tell me,
"Don't be silly."

I can leave if I want to.
I live here.

Alice, it's okay.
I better go anyway.

Don't be silly.

No, really, I've got to catch
a subway all the way downtown,

and when it gets late,
I get afraid,

so I think it's best I go now.

Actually, I'm on my way
downtown myself.

I'll go with you.

Oh, terrific.

Well, don't do anything
we wouldn't do.

How could we?

Maxine, I'll call you.

So was that your type?

What do you mean, "type"?

Type. Type...
is that what you like?

That happens to be a person,
a very nice person.

Oh, I'm sure. I'm sure.

It's just that she looks like
Karl Malden.

Please, don't start.

Your friend wears more jewelry
than I do.

What are you talking about?

Did you see what he was wearing
around his neck?

If he threw it
over the side of a ship,

it'd be an anchor.

Alice, I wouldn't
talk about taste if I were you.

I mean, that girl...
and I use the term loosely...

gives new meaning to the word
"tacky."

Well, at least
I'm with a human being,

not with an x glossy.

What, are you jealous?

Are you crazy?

I think you're jealous.

How could I be jealous?

I'm gay.

Besides which, if anyone
sounds jealous, it's you.

What what makes you think
I'm jealous?

Because you're acting jealous.

Well, I am not jealous.
I couldn't possibly be.

That's the most stupid thing
in the world.

Well, God knows I'm not jealous.

Then what are we talking
about, jealous?

Neither one of us are jealous.

How could we possibly
be jealous?

We're gay.

We're not jealous.
We're aggravated.

Why are we aggravated?

Probably because
we're a little jealous.

You are jealous.

Stop gloating, Alice.

So are you.

Well, why are we jealous?

You're asking me?

I mean, that's the
most craziest thing

in the world.

It's completely insane.

I mean, you get jealous

when you care about someone.

I know that.

Well, what's gonna happen?

I don't know that.

Well, it's probably gonna
make dating very tough.

Not necessarily.
Do you wanna go out?

When?
Now.

Sure.
Is this a date?

Don't push it.

Tim's been up there for hours.

What's he doing up there?

Well, Corinne, you can't
b*at the devil in a day.

These things take time.

It's just not fair, Ma.

He's just a little baby.

He doesn't understand
any of this.

There's nothing in his life
that he can remember yet,

much less understand.

He's such a tiny little thing.

He doesn't deserve this.

Corinne...

Begging the Colonel's pardon.

Yes, Major, what is it?

I don't want to upset the women,

but we're doomed!

Major.

One more att*ck
like the last one,

and this old troop ship

will come apart
like tissue paper.

Major, we're not on a ship.

You mean we've landed?

Hit the beach!

[GASPS]

Well?

He's possessed, all right.

Are you sure?

All the signs are there.
He speaks in tongues.

Tongues is usually
the dead give-away.

Unless
he's fluent in Latin and Greek,

you gotta go with possessed.

That's how
you were able to tell.

That and the fact
that he threw me

across the room several times.

What do we do now?

It's not what we do now.
It's what I'm gonna do now.

He's been waiting for me.

He thinks my faith
has been weakened

ever since
I left the priesthood.

It's between me
and the Prince of Darkness.

But I'll need your help.

Well, I'm sure we'll all be glad

to do anything we can to help,

won't we, everybody?

Oh, now see here,

I've had about enough of that!

[THUMPING ON RAILING]

We are dealing
with a Prince of Darkness.

Prince of Darkness...

Prince of Rudeness
is more like it!

Don't start with him, dear.

I want you to know

I'm holding you
personally responsible

for any and all damages
done to these premises,

except, of course, for the spoon

that got caught
in the garbage disposal.

I don't think I can blame him
for that.

You have done it now!

This is nothing.

By the time he gets through,

this house may not be
standing around.

He'll turn us
against each other,

throw us all over the room,
knock things over,

tear fixtures out of the walls...

Would you ask the devil

not to fool around
with the phone?

I am expecting an important call

from Dutch's lawyer.

Eunice!

Well, Corinne, life goes on.

[MENACING VOICE]
Flotsky, get up here!

Flotsky!

Answer him, for God's sake!

Shut up, you whimpering fool!

Right. Absolutely right.

Yes, I whimper,
I have a tendency to whimper.

Shut up!

Corinne, I better go prepare.

If anything happens to me,

if the devil wins and I die,

I want you to get in touch

with this man.

Father Carvellis?

Yeah, I'm sure

when Father Carvellis hears
how you d*ed,

he'll run right over.

I said a prayer.

I prayed for guidance
and strength,

and I prayed
that you'd forgive me

for ever having doubted you.

I hope you can.

Flotsky!

Oh, my God!

I better get up there.

But I'll need someone
to help me.

I'll go.
No, Corinne.

Tim, I'm his mother.

I should be up there.

It's not your baby up there now,
Corinne.

This is something
totally out of your control.

Later, when he needs his mother,

I'll let you come up,
but not now.

I'll go.

Benson...

My mother always said to me,
she said,

"Son, look the devil in the eye
and meet him straight on.

"You can't wrestle him
to the ground

unless you got ahold of him
first."

My mother was a babbling fool,
is what she was.

A major crackpot.

Everybody knew it.
She was nuts!

Are Alice and Jodie
falling in love?

Is Billy's love for Lisa

going to get him in deeper
and deeper with the Sunnys?

Is Jessica getting close
and closer

to choosing between Chester
and Detective Donohue?

Does Mary think that Burt

is slipping further
and further from reality?

Will anyone ever believe him?

Do you believe him?

Are Tim and the Tates prepared
to take on the devil?

Is the devil prepared
to take on Tim and the Tates?

These questions,
and many others,

will be answered on the
next episode of... Soap.

Soap is videotaped
before a studio audience.

[♪]