03x03 - Episode 3

[bunniefuu]

ANNOUNCER:
In the last episode of Soap,

Chester, Benson, Donohue
and the Major

went to rescue Billy

from where the Sunnies
are keeping him...

and got caught.

Burt, who the aliens caught

and are keeping
on their spaceship,

met Saul,

who the aliens have kept
for years,

and Saul told Burt
that once the aliens catch you,

they keep you forever.

Meanwhile, the fake Burt,
who is really a little alien,

is still living with Mary,
and keeping her busy.

And Mrs. David told Jodie
he can keep his baby

only if Alice
keeps out of his life.

Confused?

You won't be
after this episode of... Soap.

This is the story
of two sisters,

Jessica Tate...

and Mary Campbell.

These are the Tates...

and these are the Campbells...

and this is... Soap.

Burt! Burt!

[ALL SHOUTING]

[♪]

We begin this episode of Soap
where we left off,

with our rescue team
having been caught.

[g*n CLICKS]

We've been expecting you.

Billy...

Freeze!

That's my son!

What have you done
to him, you slime?

Oh, "slime."

That'll get you
in tight with him.

Real good.

Not so fast.

Billy, can you hear me?

Sure, he can.

He prefers not to respond.

You dirty, stinking...

"Dirty" and "stinking"?
Now, that's very good.

"Dirty" and "stinking."

Shut up.

Bernstein...

Benson.

Major, not now.

We can rush him.

Rush him?

He can't get us all.

He can get enough of us.

Uh...

Uh, here's one
you haven't heard...

Stand your ground.

Uh, a guy walks
into the doctor's office,

says to the doc,
"Doc, I don't feel so good."

The doc says,

"Well, what you've got to do
is exercise.

"What you've got to do
is five miles a day, you jog,

call me back in two weeks."

So the guy jogs
five miles a day,

Calls the doctor back
in two weeks,

says, "Doc, I'm in Chicago.
What do I do now?"

[LAUGHING]

Quick!

Let's get out of here!

Mission accomplished, Major!

Why would he be in Chicago?

Oh, Corrine,
you're driving me crazy.

Would you stop pacing?

Stop chomping
and I'll stop pacing.

I can't help it.
When I'm nervous, I eat.

Eating is fine.

Listening to it is annoying.

Mother, how can you just
sit there like that?

Like what, dear?

Half of our family
went off to find Billy,

looking like the Four Tops,

and you're not even nervous?

Well, I'm praying, Eunice,

and you're not supposed
to pray nervous.

It's insincere.

And I want him to know
that I am sincere.

See, I'm asking God

not to hold
anything I've ever done

against my child.

[DOOR OPENS]

Mission accomplished!

Oh, Billy!
Billy!

My baby!

Oh, Billy!

My baby.

BILLY: E-excuse me,

I don't seem to be able
to breathe.

Thanks.

Oh, Billy, I'm so happy
you're here.

We were all so worried.

I sent you a message
by telepathy.

Didn't you get it?

Message? You sent me a message?

Yeah, I kept saying,
over and over,

"Mom, don't worry,
I'm fine, I'm fine."

Oh, I heard you, Billy. Really.

I also asked for lamb chops.

Huh?

Well, I guess we got cut off.

Benson...

thank you.

No problem.

Chester, you saved our boy.

Oh, I love you, Chester.

I love you, Jess.

Mm.

Oh, George, I don't know how
I can ever repay you.

Well, just seeing Billy
back where he belongs

and that smile on your face

is enough payment for me.

Then again,

you could dump fat boy
and marry me.

And Daddy...

Daddy, you are wonderful.

I knew you could do it.

Oh, it's nothing, really.

You just take the skin
like that,

and pull down.

You try.

What's the matter here?

What is this,
another physical here?

Hmm.

What? What's that?

Hmm, hmm, hmm.

What's "hmm"?
What are you "hmm, hmm, hmm"...?

Something's wrong?
You found what?

What... Tell me.
It's my heart? What...?

My heart?

Wait! Wait...

Are you a cardiologist?

Listen to me.

I'm asking a little silver man
if he's a cardiologist.

Please.

This is our standard physical.

Not to worry.

[BED WHIRRING]

Again? No!

I've had it!

You can't keep
capturing people like this.

We are not butterflies.

Oh, look at this.

This is what you do to a person?

The man just had
a Denver omelet for breakfast.

Listen, let him go.
It isn't fair.

He's got a wife, a family.

Saul, Saul, Saul.
You know better than that.

Look what you do to people.

Disrupt their lives,
break up their families.

My poor wife.

God only knows

how she has taken
my disappearance.

Saul, your wife d*ed.

Oh, my God!

When?

years ago.

Bad news travels fast.

years ago?

Yes.

I should be over it by now.

I am so sorry, Saul.

I'm a widower?

Yes.

I've been a widower
for years,

and all this time,
I thought I was being faithful.

Mr. Campbell,
I am sorry

that we cannot let you go.

That would be impossible.

But I hope you can
be happy here.

It may help you to know
that here, we live forever.

Oh, yeah, good,
great selling point.

Immortality on a spaceship.

Pfft. Who cares?

Listen, I've been thinking...

I've decided...
to help you.

[DOOR CLOSES]

Do what?

"Do what?"
Flick chickens.

To help you escape,
you shmegegi.

Escape?
No, wait Saul...

Saul, listen, you can do this?

Come on. I'll try.

All right, where are we going?

The beaming room.

Maybe we can
beam ourselves down.

[CARS HONKING]

[KNOCK AT DOOR]

Come on in.

What are you doing?

What does it look
like I'm doing?

Moving out?

No, I'm going to camp.

This isn't fair.

Well, maybe next year
you can go to camp too.

So you heard
what Mrs. David and I were...

Every word.

Aw, come on, Jodie.

This is a New York apartment.

If I can hear Mrs. Lowenstein
feeding her fish in -A,

I can certainly hear

what's going on
in the next room.

She's wrong, Alice.

I mean, don't you see that?

That's not the point.

The point is
that you've got to make a choice

between your daughter
and somebody else.

Look, if it was reversed
and I had to make that choice

between my baby
and my best friend,

there'd be no contest.

Well, maybe you can
move out for a few days.

A week, maybe.
No.

And when things cool off,
you can move right back in.

You can't take that chance.

Alice, you're my best friend.

And you're mine.

And I'll never stop
being your best friend.

But right now,

there's somebody in there

that needs you a lot more

than you and I
could possibly need each other.

Hmm?

Where are you going to go?

The Chugach National Forest.

Where?

It's in Alaska.

I've always wanted
to go to Alaska,

and now, thanks to you,
I can go.

Why don't you move
across the street?

Oh, it's pretty in Alaska.

Well, it's pretty here.

They're repainting
all the curbs.

It's time to go.

Alaska...

What are you going to do
in Alaska? Log?

It is something
I always wanted to do.

Log or go to Alaska?

And because of you, I can do it.

Jodie, before I met you,
I-I was afraid to live,

and now I'm not anymore.

Listen...

eggs are five dollars a dozen.

Ah, but sno-cones
are two cents apiece.

It's chilly.

I bought a sweater.

I'll miss you.

I'll write.

That's what people say,
don't they?

They say that, and, uh...

"Hey, let's have lunch
sometime."

[QUIETLY] Jodie...

there won't be
a day that goes by

that I don't think about you.

You changed my life, pal.

I love you.

I'm never
going to see you again.

Come on, walk me out.

Hey, come on.

[LAUGHS]

[STRAINING]

[GRUNTING]

[LAUGHS]

Sit down, Burt.

[GRUNTING]

I'm not even straining.

Oh, yeah?
How about that?

Hey, you're moving your elbow.

I am not.

You are too.
I'm not.

Hey, Burt, watch him, would you?

Okay.

I'm not!
Ha-ha!

Oh, you see that?

See, everybody always looks down

on us little guys.

Turns out, we're stronger.

Yeah. "We"?

[MIMICKING FALSETTO] Yeah.

"Little people," Dad?

Yes. Like...

Well, when I was a kid,
I was short.

I was...

Good morning, everyone.

Hi, Burt.

Oh...

She stops my heart every time.

I can't...

[GIGGLES]

Hi, Mary.

Hi, Jess.

Mary, what did you want
to talk to me about?

Nothing.

But Mary,

you said on the phone
you wanted to...

Nothing. A recipe.

I wanted a recipe.

For what?

Nothing.

I decided not to cook it.

Cook what?

Nothing.

We're not eating.

Mary...

I'll be home...
for lunch today.

I won't.

You won't?

No.

Oh.

You busy for lunch?

[LAUGHS]

[SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY]

Ah...

well, then let's make it, uh...

an early dinner, then, huh?

See you at dinner.

Oh, yes.

Oh, boy.

[MOANS]

Chuck, if you're finished,

I'd like to speak to Jessica
alone.

Oh, sure, Mary.
Yeah.

Hey, I'm not done yet.

Well, come on, Bob.

Look, if I eat too fast,
I get gas.

That's because you swallow air.

Chuck, get out.

Hey, they're going to
talk about sex,

aren't they?

That's what they're
going to talk about.

I mean, she does it all night,

then talks about it all day.

Now.

That's one sick broad, there!

Jessica...

Mm?

I think I'm having
a nervous breakdown.

Well...

I know a lot about them.

Aunt Augusta used to
have nervous breakdowns

all the time.

Now, what are your symptoms?

Well, for the last few days

I've had this crazy feeling
that Burt isn't Burt.

Who is he?

I don't know.

But he's not himself.

Oh, Mary, that's not
a nervous breakdown.

That's perfectly normal.

I mean, don't you think

that sometimes Chester
comes home

and he's not himself?

That's not what
I'm talking about.

I don't mean
that he's a different man.

I mean he is another man.

It's not Burt at all.

Well, whoever he is,

he's doing
a remarkable imitation.

He looks like Burt,
sounds like Burt,

acts like Burt,

but I think it isn't Burt.

[SLOWLY] I see.

And do you also
laugh and cry a lot

for no reason?

[LAUGHING]

No.

Oh.

Because, see, Aunt Augusta
used to laugh and cry a lot

for no reason.

That's when we knew
she was... going.

Jessica,
what if it's hereditary?

What if I'm crazy,
like Aunt Augusta?

I mean, obviously
Burt has to be Burt.

Oh, Jess,
do you think I'm crazy?

Well, yes,
I think you're a little crazy.

But, Mary,

you have been under
a tremendous strain lately.

You never sleep.

Because Danny's missing,
you're up worrying,

because Jodie's always calling
about the baby,

you're up talking,

and because Burt's hormones

have gone
completely out of whack,

I mean, you're up...

Well, you're always up.

But, Mary,

if you weren't a little crazy,
you'd be really crazy.

Then you think I'm fine?

Absolutely.

[BOTH LAUGH]

Oh, Jessie, what a relief.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

Now, what did you want
to talk to me about?

Wait a minute.

Come on.

Wait, Saul.

Do you think they saw us?

No, they're too busy
polishing their heads.

Well, here we are.
The beaming room.

What are you...?

Let's get out of here.
What are you, crazy?

Wait a second.
Where are you going?

Saul, please!

You don't know
how to work this machine.

There's a thousand buttons here.

Burty, Burty, Burty...

I've been here years.

What do you think
I've been doing?

, years ago,

I finished all the magazines.

I've walked around. I observed.

I know how to do this.

You sure?

Trust me.

I will now hit...
the activating switch.

Huh.

Light switch. Just testing.

No, not "just testing."

You don't know
what you're doing. Just go...

[COMPUTERS THRUMMING]
Don't touch that!

Don't...!

Oy vey.

What did I do?

I think you just blew up Saturn.

[THRUMMING STOPS]

Well, it doesn't matter.

Listen, we haven't got
a lot of time.

Get in the cylinder.
Wait a minute.

Are you sure you know
what you're doing?

I'm sure, I'm sure.

I've watched them do it
, years.

You get in,
I'll punch in the directions,

and immediately,
you will be beamed down,

and I will be right behind you.

I...

[WHIMPERS]

Hey, wait...!

Have a delightful journey!

[BEEPING]

How do you like that?

It worked.

Where am I?

Who is that?

It's Burt.

Where are you?

I don't know.

What do you see?

What does it look like
where you are?

Black.

Just black.

You beamed me to black.

You're probably someplace
and it's nighttime.

No, no, it's no place.

I'm telling you, it's black.

I'm in black.

Get me out of here.
I hate it.

All right, all right.

Get back in the cylinder.

I don't know which is worse,
this or an English car.

[BEEPING]

Black?

You beamed me to black?

A simple mistake.

Hey, it could have been worse.

I could have beamed you

to the Lincoln Tunnel
during the rush hour.

Now, get back in.

No, no, no.

I'm... I'm not going in.

Listen, I-I-I set
the delay,

and I'm coming with you.

Now, come on.

Wait, look who I've
got for a pilot.

Mr. Magoo. Come on.

Black!
We're going to black!

[♪]

Well, I've said goodbye
to everyone but you.

Mm.

What are you doing?

Oh, well, I'm...
practicing.

I've had to do this

ever since you've been gone.

Here.

Here, Benson. Taste.
Oh, no, no, no, Mrs. Tate.

I'm... No, I'm full. I had...

Just a little sip.

That's awful.

Well, that's what the family's

going to have to eat.

You're not making this...
any easier, you know.

Uh, Benson, please, sit down.

Come on, sit down, right here.

I've got a surprise for you.

What?

A goodbye cake.

Did you make it?

Well, of course.

Do I have to eat it?

You're my best friend, Benson.

Then why are you trying
to poison me?

You're my best friend too,
Mrs. Tate.

That doesn't have to stop, huh?

No.

Well?

Different.

I knew you'd like it.

Um...

you know...

I didn't take that job
at the governor's mansion

because I'm unhappy here.

Oh, Benson, I know that.

I mean, my goodness,
running the governor's mansion

is a wonderful opportunity
for you,

and they need you.

I mean, this side of the family

has a minor snafu
once in awhile,

but they have problems.

Well...

I'm glad you understand.

That always was
the screwy side of the family,

the Gatlings.

Very screwy.

And very rich.

You know, my great-great-
great-grandfather,

he made a k*lling
in haberdashery.

He... He invented those tall hats
that the Pilgrims wore.

[SNIFFLES]

Come...

Don't do that, Mrs. Tate.

No, I won't.

Because if you do, I will.

Oh, gosh, you mustn't.

I'm not.

[SNIFFLES]

Well, me neither.

Oh, Benson...

[SOBBING]

[SIGHS]

[QUIETLY]
Bye-bye.

Goodbye.

It's really very good.

[♪]

ANNOUNCER: Were Burt and Saul
able to beam themselves home?

If not, did they at least

beam themselves
to a warm climate?

Now that Alice is gone,

will Mrs. David
leave the baby with Jodie?

How long will Donohue
live with the Tates?

Will he pay rent?

Will the Major's rescue team
ever be called back to action?

If not, will they be called
to entertain at a bar mitzvah?

Will Mary ever find out

if the Burt
she thinks isn't Burt

really isn't Burt?

These questions and many others

will be answered
on the next episode of... Soap.

Soap is videotaped
before a studio audience.