03x06 - Episode 6

[bunniefuu]

ANNOUNCER:
In the last episode of Soap,

Real Burt was beamed home,

but Alien Burt
answered the door,

much to both Burts'
astonishment,

so real Burt ran away,

figuring two Burts
would be too much for Mary.

Danny brought Millie home,
much to Mary's surprise.

Chester,
much the same as before,

has planned a rendezvous
with another woman.

And because Tim hasn't
been much in the bedroom,

Corinne
hasn't been getting much.

And Billy,
although much younger,

is very much taken
with his teacher.

Too much?

It won't be
after this episode of... Soap.

This is the story
of two sisters,

Jessica Tate...

and Mary Campbell.

These are the Tates...

and these are the Campbells...

and this is... Soap.

[LOUD CRASHING]

[COINS CLINKING]

Mary?

Oh, Mary, Mar...

Thank God it's you, Mare.

Listen, you got to come
right down here.

I got to tell you something.

It's unbelievable
what I'm going to tell you.

You won't believe
what I'm I going to tell you,

it's so unbelievable
what I'm going to tell you.

I can't tell you.

No, no, no, no, no.

Mare, Mare,
you got to come here.

I can't come home.

Just come down here.

I just got to talk to you,
please, now.

No, no, I'm not in any trouble.

Nothing like that.

Yeah, I'm in a little trouble.

I'm in a lot of trouble here,
Mary.

Get down here right away.

Why? Now, Mary, listen, come...

Mary, come on, now.

Get a hold of yourself
and calm down.

All right, now.

Listen, if you see me
between here and home,

don't pay any attention to me.

Mary, Mary, what's the m...

Take it... Mary.

Come on, now.

Take... Take it easy, Mary.

Just take it easy.

All right.

So, how you been?

What?

No. All right, Mary. Just...

Down here.

I'm at Mr. Kline's.
Kline's Drugstore.

Just... All right, hurry.

All right,
I'll be waiting for you.

Come here, Danny.

Hey, Millie.

Danny, I don't know
how to say this.

What? What is it?
What's the matter?

Your father is a nymphomaniac.

You mean he lights fires?

No.

A nymphomaniac.

He's sex-crazy.

Oh, come on, Millie.

Danny, last night,
when I was taking a shower,

he got in the shower with me.

When I screamed, he apologized,

and said he hadn't
seen me in there.

Yeah, well, that could happen,

because that bathroom
gets really fogged up.

Well, I thought of that too,

except later, I woke up
in the middle of the night

and found him in my bed.

What was he doing in your bed?

Well, let's just say
it's good I woke up when I did.

He said he was
walking in his sleep.

No. No, Millie.

Burt's not like that.

I like you a lot, Danny,
I really do, but...

I got to tell you,

this is really a weird place.

Danny, would you mind

setting the table for dinner?

I have to run out
for a while and meet Burt.

Sure, Ma.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

So then I said,

"What do you think I am,
warped?"

[LAUGHING]

Burt, what are you doing here?

I think I live here.

Burt, you just phoned me
and said I should go right over

to meet you
at Kline's Drugstore.

Oh, pfft, come on...

Mary, come on now, be serious.

I mean, why would I
pick Kline's?

I'd rather meet you in bed.

See that? Bed.

Then who called me?

Oh, I don't know, uh...

you know,
maybe it was Mr. Kline.

He's no dope.

But Burt, it was your voice.

I was with him the entire time.

He never made a call.

That's good.

The dummy verifies
the sex maniac's story.

Burt, you also said

that if I should
see you on the way,

I should ignore you.

Mary, have you been drinking?

Burt!

I think the lady's ready
for the cookie jar.

I am not.

I mean, uh, next thing
you'll be saying

is that you've seen two of us.

You didn't call me?

Yeah, Ma, it was
probably a crank call.

But it was Burt's voice.

It was his voice.

I know his voice.

Take it easy, Mary.
Take it easy.

That's the voice.
That voice.

I don't know anything
about nervous breakdowns,

but I think your mother's
having one.

I am not!

Maybe I am.

Mary, listen, now,

I think it's fatigue here.

You've been acting
a little strange lately,

and I think what this is
is fatigue.

He never lets her shut her eyes.

BURT: So come on,
go upstairs,

and, you know,
get a little rest.

Come on. Just...

Come on, Mare.

You didn't call?

You really didn't call?

No, Mary, come on.
Let's go. Come on.

You're going to lie down.

I may even lie down with you.

That's the voice.
That's the voice.

Don't bother.

I'm just going to mess it up.

Something wrong?

I think so.
What?

Chester, I need
to know something.

Are you having an affair?

Jessica.

Jessica.

[LAUGHING] Oh, Jessica.

[HIGH VOICE]
Jessica, Jessica, Jessica.

[NORMAL VOICE]
Am I having an affair?

[CHUCKLES]

Chester, you didn't
answer the question.

Well, I can't answer it,
Jessica,

dignify that question
with an answer.

Is that a yes or a no?

That is a no.

And I am surprised

that you could even entertain
such a thought.

Well, it's a whole bunch
of things.

A whole bunch of little things
that separately don't mean much,

but, added up,

they begin to look
very familiar and suspicious.

Like what?

Name one thing.

Well...

for one thing,

you've been acting very nice
and caring and cheerful lately.

Oh, nice and caring
and cheerful? Yes.

Would you like it

if I came home and ignored you?

If I spat on you and moved out,

then you'd really feel secure?

Oh, Chester,
that's not what I mean.

That is what you said, Jess.

You were suspicious

because I am nice and caring
and cheerful.

And you also
went back to the gym.

The gym?
Yes.

Do you think I'm carrying on
with one of the guys at the gym?

It's just that, you know,

when you were... fooling around,
you went to the gym.

Jess, I've always
gone to the gym.

I know.

This is very good so far.

A nice, caring, cheerful man

who does push-ups

is probably having an affair.

And you didn't come home
last night.

I told you why, Jess,
when I called.

The meeting
with Ralph Hirschberg

went on for so long
that I missed the last train.

I stayed at a hotel.

When you did come home,
you were reeking of perfume.

Ralph's.

Ralph's perfume?

This will probably come

as an enormous shock to you,
Jess.

It did to me.

Ralph Hirschberg is gay.

Ralph Hirschberg?

A queen, Jess.

Oh, but he and Maureen
are so happy,

and they have those
two lovely children.

Uh-huh, well, that's what
I kept telling myself,

but when he tried to kiss me
on the mouth...

I had to believe that.

Ralph Hirschberg?

I heard he's practically engaged
to Maureen's hairdresser.

Oh.

Poor Maureen.

I should call her.

Don't tell her, Jess.

Why not?

Why not?

Yes.

Her heart.

It's weak enough already.

Maureen Hirschberg
has a weak heart?

Of course.

Is it any wonder,

with her daughter dating
a member of the PLO?

Son sitting
in the closet all day

with his head in a bag of glue?

Oh, no.

Don't you see, Jess?

Maureen has the problems,

not you.

Well, it's just that, you know,

when it happened before,
Chester,

it hurt me so much

that now the littlest thing
makes me wonder.

Jess, that's because
you have time on your hands.

If we were farmers,
you wouldn't worry.

Because if we were farmers,
you wouldn't have time.

Oh, Jessica.

I'm sorry.

Okay,
I'll forgive you this time.

Come to bed.

In a moment, Chester.

Thank you.

Thank you.

So what's the problem?

Oh, I feel terrible, Corinne.

Dutch has laid his whole life
on the line for me

and now I'm having
second thoughts.

What do you mean?

I am sick of him.

Good.

Everything he does bothers me.

I mean, I hate the way looks.

I hate the way he walks.

I hate the way he talks.

I hate the way
he chews his food,

when he bothers to chew it.

I hate everything about him.

Have you told him?

Not yet.

Well, I wouldn't get him
too angry, Eunice.

The man k*lled once.

I am disturbed, Corinne.

I'm a disturbed person.

I mean, when he was in jail,
when we were on the run,

I adored him.

Now I've got him and I don't.

I fell in love with the event,
Corinne,

not the man.

I never see enough of Tim
to get sick of him.

Dutch does things
that drive me up the walls.

Like, do you know what he does?

Never mind.

Oh, what?

I can't. It's too disgusting.

Oh, come on, tell me.

You'll throw up.
Eunice.

I can't.

Well, what does it
have to do with?

It's about... About...

Never mind.

Oh, Eunice.

[SIGHS]

I'm too embarrassed.

Well, tell me quickly.
What's it about?

Boogers!

My God.

Oh, quick. Hide.

Why are we hiding, Corinne?

Look.

Put your menu down, Eunice.

Who is that?

It's your father.

It is not.

Take another look.

So it looks a little like Daddy.

Eunice.

What are we going to do?

I'm going to have
the artichoke vinaigrette

and the cold salmon
with dill sauce.

No, I mean about Daddy.

Oh, Corinne,
how do we even know it's him?

Not every gray-haired man
is Daddy.

It's Daddy.

No, it's not.

The ears
are completely different.

It is Daddy.

That man is Daddy.

I would know Daddy anywhere.

And I wouldn't?

It is not Daddy.

Daddy.

Not Daddy.
It is not Daddy.

It is absolutely not Daddy,

and I'll tell you why
it's not Daddy.

Because if that was Daddy,

the woman he's with
would be Mother.

It's nice here.

Very, very nice.

It... I like it a lot.
Good.

Why are we here?

What do you mean?

It's miles
from the nearest town

on an unpaved back road.

It's not listed
in the phone book.

There's not even
a name on the door,

and yet it's packed.

I know, and I'm
ashamed of myself.

What do you mean?

Well, It's for people
who are sneaking around,

like we are,

who don't want to be seen,

and it's not right, Billy.

I get the feeling
I'm being dumped.

Listen, Billy.

I'm not just an older woman,
I'm a teacher.

I don't see any good
coming from this.

Terrific.

I'm being dumped an hour away
from the nearest phone.

You should be out with...

Teenage girls?
Cheerleaders?

Roller-skating on Jones Beach?

Pepsi and french fries
at Pop's after school?

Look, I'd love
to be with someone

nice and young and full of life,

who likes the same things
that I do.

Well, there.

You see?

And I am.

You are?

Yes.

Oh.

I could learn to skate.

I hate skating.

Me too.

Good evening.

Would you, uh, care for a drink?

Ah, yes. Leslie?

I'll have a vodka tonic.

And I'll have...

Uh, may I see your I.D.,
please?

My I.D.?
You want my I.D.?

[CHUCKLES] You flatter me, sir.

I haven't been asked
for an I.D. in years.

Sometime tonight would be nice.

Well, it just so happens

that I left my I.D.
on my... plane.

Do I have to
call over the manager?

I mean,
must I really embarrass you

by calling over the manager
and telling him

that Billy Sinatra
is being checked for I.D.?

What would you like to drink,
sir?

I'll have a -Up.

Very good.

Oh, you were wonderful.

Thanks.

[QUIET JAZZ PLAYING]

Want to dance?

Sure.

[CUTLERY CLATTERING]

[COINS CLINKING]

Clean this up.

Oh, quick. Dip me.

What?

Dip me, dip me.

In what?

Sorry.

Oh, that was close.

What's wrong?

Oh, that was Mr. Morris.
Biology .

You think he'll say anything?

No, I don't believe so.

Why not?

Because that wasn't Mrs. Morris.

Do want to go
somewhere else? Do you?

Nah. I don't care who sees us,
because if they see us,

they have no business here
either.

Amen.

Don't look.

What?

I don't believe it.
What?

My sister, with another man.

Do you want to go
someplace else? Nah.

Listen,

two of my teachers are here.

My sister's here.

Who else could possibly show up?

And Abraham begat Isaac,

and Isaac begat Jacob,
and Jacob begat Judas,

and Judas begat Elizar,
Elizar...

[DOOR CLICKS]

You know,

I used to know these
all by heart. Really?

Begats are great
for falling asleep.

It's like counting sheep.

I know a better way

with a little less talking.

Begat Solomon,
and Solomon begat Boas,

and Boas begat Obit.

You going to be finished soon?

Corrine, this isn't
the Harold Robbins novel.

This is the Bible.

One doesn't finish the Bible.

Jesse begat David.

David begat Solomon,
and Solomon begat Erin,

and Erin begat Ellias,

and Elazar begat...

Tim.

Corrine, please.

Look, I don't mind
a little begatting,

but how about

begatting around with me
a little bit?

I mean, come on already.

Let's begin the begats.

My religion
is very important to me.

You're using your religion
as and excuse to avoid me,

and I find that detestable.

I can't help it
if I'm the way I am.

I have certain needs.

And I don't?

Well, look at you.

It looks like you're wearing
a spider's web.

Oh.

So I'm cheap, is that it?

I'm an oversexed tart, right?

There doesn't seem to be

anything else
on your mind these days.

Are you calling me a nympho?

No, I didn't say that.

Well, that's okay.

Go ahead, say it.

Say it, Father Flotsky.

[IRISH ACCENT]
"Corinne, me darling,

you're a cute lass,
but you're a nympho."

If the shoe fits, Corinne...

So you are calling me a nympho.

You just admitted it.

You called me a nympho.

[KNOCK AT DOOR]

JESSICA: Yoo-hoo!

Come in.

Hello.

I heard you two fighting

and I thought
you'd like some cocoa.

No, thanks.

Corinne?

No, thanks, Ma.

Did you hear that?

The priest called me a nympho.

Nympho?

Is that one
of the Marx Brothers?

I may as well be married
to a eunuch.

Did you hear that?
Eunuch.

I didn't say you were a eunuch.

I said you might as well be one.

I don't see the difference.

You called me a nympho.

No, I didn't.
You called me a eunuch.

No, I didn't.

You didn't?

No.

You want to go to bed now?

I have to finish Leviticus.

Eunuch.

Nympho.

Aha.

Here it is.

"Eunuch."

I don't know
what else to do, Tim.

I mean, I've done everything
I know how.

I've been patient.

I've been angry.

I've been understanding.

I've been obstinate.

So what are you saying, Corinne?

That you want other men?

No.

I don't want other men.

I want you.

[WHISPERING]
Corrine, he's a eunuch.

Ma, why don't you go
make some coffee.

Okay.

[WHISPERING] Do you suppose

his father was a eunuch too?

Ma...

So...

So...

You want a divorce?

Do you?

No.

Oh.

Me either.

But I think we should get one.

So do I.

Then I guess I should go.

Tim...

You wanted me, Corinne,
and I was a priest.

I wanted you,
but I was a priest,

so I left the church,
now I'm leaving you.

I love the church, Corinne,

and I still do,

and I love you just as much...

[VOICE CRACKING]
but I can't have you.

You can have me.

I'm still here for you.

I can't, Corinne.

As much as want to, I can't.

As much as I love you,
my past won't let me.

I tried,

but I can't undo
all those years.

But I love you.

And I love you...

too much to stay.

I'm going to say goodbye
to my son.

[SOBBING QUIETLY]

Oh, Ma.

Corinne, darling.

I've lost him.

No, Corinne.

No, you haven't lost him.

He's leaving me.

Darling, you loved him

for something he never was,

something you'd hoped he'd be,

and he loved you the same way.

So you see,

you never really
lost each other,

because in order to do that,

you've got to
find each other first,

and you never did.

[WEEPING]

[♪]

ANNOUNCER: Will Millie and Danny
ever have a meaningful relationship?

What could it
possibly be based on?

What will Corinne do
now that Tim has left her?

Will it be more fun?

What will happen
with Billy and his teacher?

Will he be tested on it?

Now that the real Burt
called Mary,

and the alien Burt
told her he didn't,

what will Mary do

if the real Burt
calls her again?

What will Corinne and Eunice do
now that they've seen Chester

in a restaurant
with another woman?

Will they tell Jessica?

Will they finish lunch first?

These questions and many others

will be answered
in the next episode of... Soap.

Soap is videotaped
before a studio audience.