02x12 - North by North DiPesto

[bunniefuu]

MOONLIGHTING You looking for something?

Get back to your workstation.

It's not there.

He switched the numbers.

He switched the numbers.



- Morning, Ms.

DiPesto.



- Morning, Ms.

Hayes.

Ms.

DiPesto, is everything all right?

All right?

Well, you seem a little, I don't know, down.

Down?

Me?

No, I'm not down.

All right.

Blue Moon Detective Agency.

If you're in trouble, if you're in a jam, don't tell me, I don't give a damn.

Ms.

DiPesto, would you step into my office.

What for?

Right away, Ms.

Hayes.



- You wanna tell me about it?



- No.



- Nothing to tell.



- Ms.

DiPesto, I saw you out there.

Ms.

Hayes, it's not something you'd understand.

It's just something I do.

Something I go through.

Did something happen?

It's a new year, that's all.

A new year.

At the beginning of every new year, I sit down and review my life.



- Well, that's a good thing to do.



- It takes about a minute.

I do the same thing each day, Ms.

Hayes.



- Excuse me?



- My life it's nothing but the same thing, day after day.

I get up at the same time, 6:30.

I take the same bus, the number five.

I order the same doughnut when I get to work, jelly.

I answer the same phone, yours.

It's not a terrible life but it's not a soon

-to

-be major motion picture either.

What about after work?

After work?

After work, there's me Pat Sajak, Vanna White and the Wheel of Fortune.



- I hate my name.



- DiPesto?

No, Agnes.



- You don't like DiPesto?



- Me?

No, I love DiPesto.



- I love Agnes.



- Well, I hate it.

I've always wanted to be a Barbara or an Elaine.



- I once knew a Barbara.

She wasn't

-

- I hate having black hair.



- I didn't mean to depress you.



- You didn't.

Yes, I did.

I better get back to my rut.



- Picked up the suit

-

- Wouldn't it be awful to wake up every morning and know that every day was gonna be the same as the day before?

The polka shoes too, but I ain't doing no bunny hop.

To know every week is gonna be the same as every other week.

A band whose idea of hot is playing "Born in the U.

S.

A.

" on the accordion.



- Answering the same phone.



- I have a confession.



- I don't wanna go.



- Where?

Were you talking to me?

What are you saying?

You first.

What were you talking about?

The California Investigators Association annual banquet.

You?

Ms.

DiPesto.

She's been acting very strangely.



- How can you tell?



- She's depressed, sick of life.



- I'm worried.



- Don't worry.

She's just having an att*ck of UMS.



- UMS?



- Ugly mood swing.

A peculiarly feminine disease.



- About this banquet

-

- Exactly, I don't wanna go.



- We're going, it's important.



- For what?

It's a chance to fight in public, but what else?



- Business.



- Business?

Business what?

Now, the Annual Convention of Wife Cheaters would be good for business.



- It'll be interesting.



- It'll be boring.

The only thing that could liven it up is a strip

-search demonstration with you.

Addison thank you.

I think.



- We're going.



- Oh, come on, Maddie.

Being detectives is what we do all day, every day.

I don't wanna

-

- Say that again.



- "That.

" David, you've just given me a wonderful idea.

That strip

-search thing?

How do you feel about barnyard animals?

Being detectives is what we do all day, but it's not what Ms.

DiPesto does.



- Not what Ms.

DiPesto does at all.



- Thank the Lord for small favors.

This could be exactly what she needs.

Are you suggesting sending DiPesto to this banquet?

There will be other banquets for us, but Agnes how many banquets are in her future?



- All right, you convinced me.



- I'll give DiPesto my ticket and you can be her escort.

Wait a second! Maddie, we can't do that to Agnes.



- We can't?



- She shows up with me

- she won't meet other men.



- Think so?

Yes, I know so.

Guys don't hit on other men's women.

It's like the rule, a code, like

-

- Honor among thieves?



- Exactly like that.

Maddie, Agnes has gotta be free to network chitchat, knickknack, paddywack, give a dog a bone if she wants a guy to roll her home.



- You might be right.



- Might be?

Am be.

Definitely am be.

Maddie, it's time to let our little girl grow up.

So I vote no to the chaperone at the dance.

Give her the keys to the car and hey, let's forego the curfew, huh?



- You think so?



- Maddie I know this is very hard for you but there comes a time when you just have to let go.

David, let go.

Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you Ms.

DiPesto, I just had an idea.

You ought to get somebody look at that.

Would you like to go to a soiree with a bunch of private dicks?



- Excuse me?



- What Mr.

Addison is trying to say is I had an idea.



- You doing anything tonight?



- She is going to the California Investigators Association annual banquet.



- I am?



- You am.



- But I don't have a date.



- You don't need a date.

All you need's a ticket and something to wear.



- Don't have that either.



- But you will.



- I will?



- You will.

Remember, no plunging necklines or patent

-leather shoes.

Go! Oh, Ms.

DiPesto.

Some kind of jam

-up up ahead.

You mind if I let you out up here?

CALIFORNIA INVESTIGATORS ASSOC.



- Oh, my.



- Dance with me.

Excuse me?

Dance with me.

You have a name?

Yes.

What is it?

It's Elaine.

Well, Elaine, I really appreciate this.

Do you work in town?

The Blue Moon Detective Agency.

Why?

I wanna give you something.

Hold on to this number.

Elaine, how long can you hold your breath?

You mean, like in scuba?

Elaine, thanks a lot.

Don't mention it.

So

- how'd it go?



- Oh, Ms.

Hayes, it was nice.

Only nice, huh?

You meet somebody?

Oh, boy, what a body.



- Was he nice?



- Nicer than nice.

At first I thought he'd made a mistake and he meant to come up to somebody else

- Morning, children, what's the poop on the prom?

Ms.

DiPesto met a man at the banquet.

No kidding, facial hair and everything?

That explains the smile.



- The smile?



- You should try it sometime.



- Perfect cure for UMS.



- UMS?

Urgently missing sex.

Excuse me, Ms.

Hayes.

We'll talk at lunch?

I promise.

Blue Moon Detective Agency.

Say your pooch hasn't yet come home.

Called his name, bought him a new bone.

Give us a sh*t.

Mad and Dave will find Spot

- Elaine.



- How you doing, Elaine?



- Could you call back?



- I need to talk to you.



- You do?

You wanna go get something to eat?



- He's here.



- Who's here?



- He's here.



- He's here?

Him?



- He wants to take me to lunch.



- At a quarter after 9?



- Would it be okay?



- Sure it'd be okay.

Can I meet him?

Sure you can meet him.

Do me a favor, call me Elaine.

I'd like you to meet my employer.



- Madelyn Hayes.



- Hello.



- Hi.



- We've really gotta go.



- Well, it was nice meeting you, Mr?



- Likewise.

Ms.

DiPesto, have you seen my

-?



- Where is she going?



- Lunch.

That the guy from last night?



- Big appetite.



- What is that supposed to mean?

Come on, Maddie.

A man, a woman.



- A nooner.



- A what?

Or in this case, a niner.

This is nice.

This is different.

I never knew this was here.

They serve good food here?



- Listen, about last night

- That was something, huh?

I mean, I don't know what a guy like you was doing

- dancing with a girl like me, but

-

- Look, I appreciate what you did.

If you hadn't been so pleasant about everything I love to dance.

Only wish you hadn't disappeared so fast, though.

If you hadn't given me your number I was afraid I'd never see you again.



- I don't even know your name.



- It's Kyle.

About that piece of paper.

The one with all the numbers on it.

I must have called it about 600 times.

I need it back.

The piece of paper, I need it back.

Telephone call for Agnes DiPesto at the front desk.



- Telephone for Agnes DiPesto.



- How about that.

Somebody's paging my sister.

I'll be right back.

Yeah.

Hello?

Hello?

Excuse me, sir, are you sure somebody called me?



- There's nobody here.



- Maybe they hung up.

Then why did they call me?

Maybe they're from that show, In Search of Between the time they called and you picked up they found what they were looking for.



- Excuse me.



- That's okay.

I liked it.



- Don't scream.



- Don't scream?

Mister?

Please, come quickly, hurry.



- What's the trouble?



- Please! There's something wrong with my date.

Not much I can do about that.

No, you don't understand.

It's like he's dead, lifeless.

Some guys, average bowlers, you buy them a ball No, I mean he's really dead.

And I came back from the phone and

- Oh, my goodness.

He was right there.

He had his head down on the table and he had a Kn*fe in his chest.



- Maybe he wandered off.



- With a Kn*fe in his chest?

Oh, I don't think it was one of your knives.



- Out of my alley.



- Why?

I don't want you here.

Out of my alley.

Get out of here! My alley, get out!

- But there was a man m*rder*d here.



- Get out.



- Out.



- There really was.

I'm telling you for the last time, get out of here.

You hear me?

Get out!

- So how'd you do?



- Excuse me?

How'd you do, bowling?

Not many people bowling at 9:45 in the morning.

Me?

I bowled 188 which is a significant improvement over my afternoon performance.

A theory I have about morning versus afternoon versus evening physical performance in humans.

I've found mornings, across the board yield better results in overall physical activity.

Makes you wonder, doesn't it?

Maybe our professional sporting teams should play each other in the morning.

Maybe the team that comes from the latest time zone has an unfair advantage.

And I'm not just talking about sports, I'm talking about any activity that requires physical exertion for a protracted period of time.



- You live around here?



- Excuse me?



- Wanna go to your place?



- What I just told you, it's only a theory.



- Now.



- I'll get my rosin bag.



- This seems like a very nice place.



- Thank you, I like it.

Direct

-dial phone, in

-room TV, queen

-sized bed.

Direct

-dial phone, huh?

Could you draw the drapes, please?



- Thank you.



- Wanna watch some in

-room TV?

Would you give me a hand with this thing?

A hand?

What is it exactly you wanna do with this?

Put it in front of the door.

It's gonna make it kind of tough to get the paper in the morning.

Listen, I realize we hardly know each other but I was just

- I mean, we are in my hotel room moving furniture and all.

I was just kind of wondering, what's your name?



- Agnes.



- Douglas.

We're both S's.

Is someone chasing you?

Your husband?

I'm not married.



- Boyfriend?



- I don't have a boyfriend.

Not that I know of anyway.

Does this perhaps have something to do with your profession?



- What is it you do, Agnes?



- I work for a detective agency.



- No kidding.



- No kidding.

I answer the phones.

Which is how I got into this in the first place.

Because I wasn't happy just answering the phones.

So my boss, Maddie Hayes gave me these tickets to go to this dance, and I met this guy.

Guy?

Don't worry.

For one thing, I don't think I'm his type and for another, he's dead.



- Dead?



- Dead.

If you're a woman, death after the first date does not do a lot for your self

-confidence.

What are you doing hanging around with people who die?

If it's all the same to you, I'd rather not talk about all that right now.

I'd really like to talk about something else.

So, what do you do?

Me?

I'm involved in the personal

-services industry.



- I sell shoes.



- Shoes?

Shoes.

Everybody needs them.

Everybody uses them.

Everybody needs to replace them.

Shoes.

Yep.

I help keep America on its feet.

That's on a poster where I work.



- Do you like it?



- Shoes?

You may not have noticed, but I'm kind of short.

Low to the ground.

But for a shoe salesman, this is a big plus.

You're much closer to your product and where your product's gonna be used.

It's sort of my destiny.

You know, this isn't how I thought it was gonna be at all.

When I told Ms.

Hayes that I wanted to do something exciting I thought it would all be less dangerous and more fun.

Why don't I give you something to drink.

Something to drink maybe.

You know what I should do?

I should try calling them.

I'll just tell them I'm here with you and

- Sorry, Agnes.

Hello?

What happened?

Did something happen?

Whatever it was, I didn't sleep through it, did I?

Nothing's happened.

I've just given you a sh*t of sodium pentathol.

Truth serum.

Truth serum?

To relax you help you lose your inhibitions, help you clear your mind, that's all.

Just listen to me, just think about what I'm asking you.

Douglas, I don't like this.

Here's the first question.



- Who do you work for?



- Well, David Addison hired me but I really work for Maddie Hayes.

We all work for Maddie Hayes.

And who's Maddie Hayes?

Has anyone ever told you that you have beautiful eyes?

It's important that you let me ask the questions, Agnes.



- You have a great mouth too.



- Thank you.

To the best of your knowledge, are either of them involved in espionage?

I just had a thought.

I bet you don't sell shoes for a living.



- Answer the question, Agnes.



- No.

I mean, "No, to the best of my knowledge neither of them are involved in espionage.

" Not, "No, I won't answer the question.

" Now you say something nice about me.



- Excuse me?



- It's your turn

- to say something nice about me.



- It is?

I like what you're doing with your hair there.

It's very different, very nice.

But I don't do anything with my hair.

So you'd never met Kyle till he asked you to dance?

Kyle.



- What a gorgeous man.



- Answer the question.

You sound angry.

There's no reason to be angry.

I never met Kyle until he asked me to dance.



- Kyle danced great.



- I know.



- I saw you.



- You saw us?



- How could you have seen us?



- I was there.

Kyle and I worked together.

I was sort of his boss.

Wait a second.

So when you bumped into me at the bowling alley

- I knew somebody was after him.

I had to find out if it was you.

Are you guys spies?

Better get your coat.

GAYLORD APARTMENTS

- Where you wanna go?



- Straight to the top.

President of Blue Moon Detective Agencies.

No, I mean now.

Here in this cab.

Do I have to go somewhere?

There are things I have to do.

Work I have to attend to.

Don't worry, I'll see you again.



- You promise?



- Absolutely.

Well Will one of you tell me if this is gonna go on?

I'll start the meter.



- Why did you do that?



- I couldn't help myself.

I understand that.

Now, where do you live?

This thing between us is really zipping along, isn't it?

No.

I mean, so this man can drive you home.



- What's your address?



- Oh, 6338 Hope Street.

Isn't that a wonderful name for a street?

Hope Street.

That's why I moved there, because of the name.

Other than that, it isn't much of a place to live.

You're a very special woman, Agnes.



- Why have we stopped?



- Red light.



- 2151 Sherwood Way.



- Sorry, pal, I already have a fare.

That's okay, I don't mind sharing.



- Please.



- Thank you.

Although I still think it was rude of you, after I let you share my cab not to let me go where I wanted to go.

Stop that.



- Stop what?



- That! That gibberish talk.

I don't believe it, and I don't believe you.

I know who you are.

You're Kyle's girl.

Or you were.

And now you're Doug's.

Doug's girl, Doug's contact.



- So give us the number.



- What number?

The bundle number.

The number of the bundle that contains the plans.

I'm sorry, but I don't know what you're talking about.

You know exactly what I'm talking about.

We've been smuggling plans out of High Castle Defense in laundry bundles.

Your people figured out what we were doing and planted a man here in the middle of the laundry.



- We did?



- We found out and k*lled your man but not before he was able to switch the bundle numbers on some very important plans.

What makes you think I have this number?

The man who infiltrated us was Kyle.

And we know that Kyle passed the number on to you.



- He did?



- At the dance.

Just like he was supposed to, just as you had planned it.

So, what is it?

I don't know.



- I don't know.



- The number! I don't know.

I don't know.

I don't know what happened.

Last night I went to this reception, a man asked me to dance.

This morning he took me to coffee and got k*lled.

This other man sh*t me with truth serum.

The two of you h*jacked my cab.

I don't know what's going on.

I don't know anything.

I'm nobody's contact.

Nobody's girl.

I answer phones.

I'm a lady who answers phones.

Do you think I could use the facilities?

Let's not make a career of it.

How we doing in there?

Did you fall in?

Get back here, you! Hey, you! COLD WATER RINSE Here.

What good's a romantic hero if he's not there when you need him?



- Doug!

- Everything's gonna be fine.

Agnes, just stay calm.

You're perfectly safe up there.

Doug! Doug! Doug! HOT WATER RINSE Doug!

- Thanks!

- Don't mention it.

Agnes! Are you okay?

Here we go again.

Thanks, Lou.



- You know him?



- Yeah, he works for me too.

Agnes, what's that?

Doug, don't get upset.

This is Kyle's phone number.



- He gave it to me last night.



- Kyle's number?

And this laundry bundle was filled with plans?

Honest Injun.

Agnes, you understand, you won't be able to tell anyone about what went on today.

National security.

Yeah, no.

National security.

I'm sorry you had to get involved.

You are?

Well Well?

Well You got any more of that truth stuff with you?

No.

Guess we'll have to do without.

Here she comes.

I gotta be honest, I never thought she had it in her.



- David, we don't know what happened.



- Come on, she left 24 hours ago.



- She had more than a tuna sandwich.



- Will you stop?

Face it.

Her nooner became an afternooner, which became a nighter which probably became an overnighter.

Morning, Ms.

Hayes.

Morning, Mr.

Addison.



- Morning, Ms.

DiPesto.



- Morning, Ms.

DiPesto.

Sorry I'm a little late.

Actually, I'm a lot late.

Kind of missed yesterday, didn't I?

I stopped over at the cleaner's.

You didn't have to do that.



- So?



- So?

So?

Did you at least get a nice dinner out of it?

David.

I'll tell you something.

I missed you guys.

I missed this place, I missed that phone.

Life is pretty good.

Yeah life is pretty good.

So she's not gonna share the intimate details?



- We better get back to work.



- We don't have any work.

We have to tell the writers to write bigger parts

- for next week's episode.



- I'll buy that.



- Special delivery for an Agnes DiPesto.



- I'm Agnes DiPesto.

Sign here.

Thank you.

Dear Agnes: Unfortunately, I had to leave Los Angeles this morning.

Of course, I can't tell you where I'm going and I can't tell you when I'll be back.

The truth is I can't tell you much of anything except how terrific I think you are.

Thinking of you, Doug.

Bakery.

Ms.

DiPesto of Blue Moon.

You know my usual jelly?

Make it a cruller.