02x14 - Every Daughter's Father is a Virgin

[bunniefuu]

- Good evening.

I'm Madelyn Hayes.

- And I'm David Addison.

You know, we have been so busy the past few months doing this show there's been no time to thank the people who write in.

Right.

So first of all, thank you.

Second of all, in most cases, there hasn't been time to write back, either.

We feel badly about this.

So we thought we'd take a few moments at the start of the show to answer some of these letters.

Right

-o.



- Who's gonna go first?



- I don't know.

Okay.

I'll go first.

"Dear David, I read somewhere that you and Maddie were going to kiss and have a big affair.

Is this true?

If it is, can you tell me so I can set my VCR.

Signed, Sally Young.

" Well, Sally, I don't know if it's true or not.

See, I'm a television character.

I only know what's gonna happen tonight.

And I do know that we don't kiss tonight.

Matter of fact, I don't know when we're gonna kiss or if we're ever gonna kiss at all.

Sorry.

Maddie?

"Dear Maddie, when are you going to smarten up and get it on with David?

M.

Zimmerman.

" Well, M, I don't know.

You said not tonight?

Nope.

Definitely not.

I read the script.

Not tonight.

Well, there you go.

Not tonight.

David?

"Dear Dave you and Maddie seem so attracted to each other.

My friends and I were wondering if you and she were ever going to

-"

- I don't want to do this anymore.



- You don't?

No.

I feel stupid.

Look, I know we should kiss, you know we should kiss they know we should kiss.

What are we waiting for?

But it's not in the script.

Come here.



- What?



- I don't know.



- Something's wrong?



- Well

- It isn't working for you, is it?



- No.

Quite frankly, it isn't.

It really isn't working for me, either.

Can we k*ll the lights, please.

Lights! David, I'm sorry, but this is not the way I imagined it.



- It isn't?



- It isn't.

I always thought it would be at the end of the show, you know.

And that there'd be romantic lighting and music.

Really?

I mean, this is not how I imagined it, how they imagined it.

Is this how you imagined it?

Well, I'm just not as fussy as you are about these things.



- Lights.



- Lights! David, I'm sorry.

I would just feel more comfortable if we waited.



- Waited?

How long?



- I don't know how long.



- Maybe this season.

Maybe next.



- Next?

I don't wanna be rushed.

Keep those cards and letters coming, folks.

MOONLIGHTING Someone's coming.

Come on, come on! Let's go, team! Hi, everybody.

I'm Archie Bell and the Drells of Houston, Texas.

And we not only sing, but we dance just as good as we walk.

In Houston, we just started a new dance called the "Tighten Up.

" This is the music we tighten up with.



- Sorry, I must be in the wrong

-

- Mr.

Addison?



- Ms.

DiPesto?



- Wow, is that really you, Mr.

Addison?

It's not necessary, Agnes.

I'm off duty.

Mr.

Addison, I had no idea.

We've known that for a while.



- Ms.

Hayes in her office?



- Want me to buzz her?

Anybody's gonna buzz Ms.

Hayes, it's gonna be me.

Please rise.

Worked pretty good.

Let's all turn the hymnals to page 138, a tune God wrote called "Louie, Louie.

"

- My God.



- Look again, my dear.

Perhaps you are a trifle confused.

What happened to you?

I solved the Pagano divorce case, that's what.

My goodness.

You catch him in the act?

Better.

Got his confession in confession.

We're talking He did more banging than a screen door in a cyclone.

Looks like he did a little banging on you.

This?

This is nothing.

It's a product of a discussion on confessor

-confessee privilege.

Terrific.

You're gonna look terrific when my mother and father get here.

I told the guy you'd be upset.



- Do I detect a small case of nerves?



- No.



- A six

-pack?



- Don't be silly.



- I've known them for 30 years.



- And then some.

And then some.

Here.

A wet rag.

How you.



- Cute.



- Call me David.

Do us both a favor, put that over your face.



- Will it help?



- Me.



- So?



- Listen.

I'm all ears.

Well, not all ears.

Can we not do this with my parents here?



- This?



- This.



- What's that?



- This thing we do.

Conversational hara

-kiri.

I'd like to spare them that.

You are nervous.

Not nervous, anxious.

They're my parents.

You know about parents.

Not me.

Raised in the woods by wolves till I was 12.

Rescued by a missionary woman who found me buck

-naked.

I told her I wouldn't go with her unless she put some clothes on.

This isn't the kind of thing you meant when you said, "Let's not," is it?

Maddie, don't worry, I'm not gonna embarrass you.



- You leaving town?



- I'm leaving your office.

That's a start.

I don't suppose you brought another suit.

It's in the court of appeals.

My lawyer thinks we can sew it up there.

Go:

- Father!

- Father?



- Father.



- No, Father.

Mother! Maddie.

Maddie.

I guess somebody didn't buy your sermon, padre.

Mom, Dad, this is David Addison.

The man who works with me.



- You work with a priest?



- No, he's not a priest.

It's a disguise.



- Mom, did you meet David?



- Mr.

Addison.

Well, I've heard a great deal about you.



- It's so nice to finally meet you.



- It's nice to finally be met.



- Where did you get the shiner?



- It's a long story, Daddy.



- A long, ugly story.



- Nonsense.

You get reacquainted, Mr.

Addison will show me around.



- Have a liquor cabinet in your office?



- I don't know, do I?

You do, but there's only one Scotch in it.



- Well, would you like to see my office?



- I'd love to.



- Oh, my goodness.



- What do you think?

This almost makes up for no grandchildren yet.



- That's what I think.



- I'm proud of you, Mom.

You were here three minutes before you said that.

Do all those people work for you?

Work is a highly subjective phrase.

So tell me about this wedding you're here for.

Some man in your father's office and a stewardess, I think.

And she lives out here.

And, well, any excuse to get out of Chicago in the winter.

Dad looks great.

Yes, he does, doesn't he?



- Mom?

Is something wrong?



- I'll be all right.



- I'm just so happy to see you again.



- Oh, I'm so happy to see you.



- What is it?

Is something the matter?



- No, no.

I'll be all right in a minute.



- You're not sick, are you?



- Oh, no, no, no.

I'll be all right.



- Do you want me to get Dad?



- No.

No.

I'm

- I'm feeling better now, really.

Is there something you'd like to talk about?

No, I keep these with me all the time now.

Sometimes I just lose control of myself.

Isn't that foolish?



- Mom, what's wrong?



- Wrong?

Nothing's wrong.



- Something with Dad?



- I don't know.

I wouldn't know.



- We don't talk very much anymore.



- I don't believe that.

Well, I guess he figures I know everything I need to know.

And the things I don't know well, those aren't things he wants to discuss anyway.



- What does that mean?



- Well, he's been working late a lot.



- He's always worked late.



- He's preoccupied all the time.

He's always been preoccupied all the time.

I think there's a woman at the office.

Dad?

I think she even followed us down here to go to this wedding.

I don't believe I just said that.

I don't believe you just said that, Mom.



- Do you know how ridiculous

-?



- I wish I could get that minute back.

It doesn't bother me.

It really doesn't.

It doesn't.

Would you look at that?

When she was 16, cursing at her mother like a sailor you would never have believed that you'd see a clinch like that.



- Honey, have you looked at the time?



- We've hardly had a chance to talk.

Talk later.

We have a wedding to dress for.

How about dinner tomorrow night at the hotel?

The padre can come along.

What do you say?

Great.

I think that went pretty well.

I think we're gonna get that account.



- Contain your excitement, Ms.

Hayes.



- I don't want that account.



- You don't want it.



- I don't.

I have no interest in doing employee checks for g*n stores.

Mr.

Montezuma loves you.

Particularly a chain called Montezuma's Revenge.



- I'm sorry.



- Must be your day of the week.



- I've got a problem.



- Don't look at me.

I wasn't in town.



- My mother.



- She doesn't seem the type.

I'm serious.

I'm worried about her.



- Who, by the way, is okay.



- No, she's not.

If you can't agree, disagree.



- She's really worried about something.



- Tell her I'll marry you.

What's sad is, the thing she's worried about isn't even true.



- Isn't even true.



- Isn't even true.

It's silly for her to be upset if it isn't true.

True.



- David, you've just given me an idea.



- I have?

You have.

I'm gonna prove she's wrong.



- Wrong?

Right.



- Wrong.

I'll make this our next case.

I'll prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that the supposition she's proposing is absurd and not worth supposing.



- Not worth supposing?



- Not worth supposing.



- This supposition she's proposing.



- Yes?



- A little disclosing?



- Disclosing?

Disclosing.

Maddie, just what is it your mother is upset about?



- Well?



- Well In some ways, it's so silly.

You met my father.

My mother thinks he's having an affair.



- I'm sorry.



- For what?



- I don't know.



- No reason to be.

You're right.

Hooray for your father.

He's having an affair.



- No, he's not!

- Right.

Then I'm not sorry, I think.

Why are you sorry?

There's no reason.



- My father is not having an affair.



- Okay.

Fine.



- You know that?



- What do you mean?



- I know my father.



- Okay.

You know your father.



- Do you know your mother's husband?



- What are you suggesting?

I am suggesting that this is a very delicate and very private matter.

Take it from me, Father David, the confession king.

David, take it from me.

My father adores my mother and would never do anything to hurt her.



- You know that?



- I know that.

Only one who doesn't is my mother.

I'm gonna prove it to her.

What do you mean?

I'll conduct an investigation of my father and prove that he is a faithful and loyal husband.

And how are you gonna do that?

The same way you did with the Pagano case.

I'll follow him.

You're gonna follow your own father?

Yuck!

- What do you mean, yuck?



- I mean, yuck, you can't.



- Why?



- Why?

Why?

I don't know why, it's weird.

It's oedipal.



- It can't be oedipal.

I'm a girl.



- All right, then it's oedipie.

Look, it's strange.

What if you're wrong?

What if you see something?

It could scar your psyche for life.

A scarred psyche is like a used Pinto.

Nothing you can

- Get out of my way.

This is something I have to do.



- Why?



- Why?

You could've seen the pain on her face.

You don't have to do it.

Hire somebody.

Let me do it.



- You?



- Allow me to introduce myself.

I'm David Addison.

I'd like to be your detective.

Well, I mean, it's a personal thing.

You're not sending me out to buy your underwear.

I do this for a living.

Well

- That's nice of you.



- I have my moments.

So you have a preference on the pictures?



- Excuse me?



- Color, black and white, satin finish?

You just couldn't let it be nice, could you?



- What can I say?



- In English, not much.

You're still welcome.

You're still thanked.

And they're off.

Come on, Mr.

Hayes.

Let's see what you're made of.

Here, my man.

Give me that paper, will you?

Here.

Thanks.

Excuse me.

Hi.

A friend and I are here for a meeting.

He just asked you for a room number.

We went to the elevator, I wasn't paying attention.

The doors closed, I was on one side, he was on the other.

And all I know is the room is on the 4th floor.

We do not give out room numbers of registered guests.

No, no, no.

This guy is not a hotel guest.

Six feet tall, grey hair, went to the flower shop.

Mr.

Hayes is a registered guest at our hotel.

If you wish to speak to him, you'll have to use the house phones.

Alexander Hayes' room, please.

Hello?

Who is this?

Well, this is

- This is the hotel garage.

You drive a late

-model Mercedes, Mr.

Hayes?

This is Alexander Hayes, right?

Can I have your room number, please?

Okay.

Okay.

All right.

I'm afraid I got some pretty bad news for you, Mr.

Hayes.

No, no.

Don't panic.

Nothing to panic about.

After all, the hotel assumes full responsibility.

I mean, hey, we are the ones that smashed it into the garage wall, right?

Whoa, hey, Mr.

Hayes.

I don't have to listen to language like this, see?

Okay.

Okay, fine.

You come down here.

Easy, now, you don't even know my mother.

Okay, good.

Good, man.

I'll be waiting for you, okay?

Yes?

I thought a friend of mine was staying here.

Bad joke.

Bad joke.

Nine

-twenty.

Early day.



- I waited for you as long as I could.



- You miss me?

Sure.

Your name again?



- So?



- So.

So say something.

Well I think your father is a really a good guy, you know?

What does that mean?

It means I think your father is a good man.

And what does that mean?

It means what it means.

Look me in the eye and tell me you followed my father all day.



- I did it, Maddie.



- And?

I'm sorry.

Wooden nickel for your thoughts.

You're right.

Wooden nickel ain't worth what it used to be, anyway.

Which reminds me, you ever hear the one about the prospector, the buffalo and the Indian?

You wanna hear about it?

I never should have told you.



- David

-

- Hayes speaks.

I just found out my father is cheating on my mother.



- How would you have me act?



- Not like the world is ending.



- But it is for her.



- No.

Not yet.

She suspects, she doesn't know.



- Yes, but I have to tell her.



- You what?



- I have to tell her.



- Why?



- Why?



- Why do you have to tell her?



- Why?



- Why?

Because I'm her daughter.

Because it's the truth.



- Because she's in pain.



- I see.

Telling her the truth is gonna put her out of this pain?



- I didn't start this discussion.



- Just answer the question.

David, what would you have me do?



- Don't tell her.



- Just don't tell her?

Just don't tell her.

I can't do that.

That's lying.



- You're kidding.



- I mean it, David, I can't do that.



- That's lying.



- What do you mean, you can't lie?

Everybody can lie.

It's one of those involuntary functions of mammals.

Like breathing.

Eating ice cream out of the container.



- Reading in the bathroom.



- Be that as it may, I do not lie.

No?

You come to work in the morning, someone asks how you're doing.

Do you say, "I'd rather be home watching Lucy, eating Oreos"?

No.

You say, "Fine.

How are you doing?

" And do they tell you about the barium x

-ray they had yesterday?

No.

They say, "fine.

" And life goes on as usual.

Everybody's as happy as a potato in gravy.



- That's just being polite.



- That's lying.

Big F, small I, little B.

It's Pinocchio's nose time.

It's all lies, Maddie.

Good lies, bad lies, little lies we tell to make it through the day.

"The turkey tastes great, Aunt Sophie.

" "Your hair looks beautiful, Suzette.

" "The factory just isn't the same without you, Cousin Eddie.

" Maddie, do me a favor.

When you see your mother tonight, lie.



- I can't.



- You can't?

You got a mouth.

You got a tongue.

What do you think they're there for?



- Besides that, I mean.



- You don't understand.



- I don't?



- You don't.



- Good.



- Good.

Look at this place.

I bet even the roaches wear tuxedos.



- I feel ill.



- It was a joke.



- No, I can't go through with this.



- Let's get out of here.

We can't.

I can't.

We have to go through with it.

Okay, your wish is my demand.

We were beginning to wonder if you two would show up.

Are you kidding?

I wouldn't miss this for all the money in the world.



- Hello, Maddie.



- Mom, how are you?

Well, I'm fine, Maddie.

I'm just fine.

She's fine, Maddie.

Just fine.

Somebody die that I don't know anything about?

Are you proud to be in the presence of two such beautiful women?



- Absolutely.



- Really, Alex.

Really.

As a matter of fact, I've been waiting for this moment to spring a little surprise on you.

I know our anniversary isn't for another month, but Oh, Alexander.

Well, isn't it beautiful?

Well, thank you, dear.

I saw it in a store window.

It just sort of called your name.

Maddie, will you put it on for me?

It's very beautiful, Mrs.

Hayes.

I need a drink.

Does anybody else need a drink?

I know I do.

Well, I have a better suggestion.

I think champagne is appropriate.

We can celebrate Maddie's success our happiness.

Oh, and the padre's shiner.



- I don't think champagne is necessary.



- We don't get together every day.



- Yes, sir?



- A bottle of your finest champagne.

Very good, sir.

All right, everyone, raise them up.

To my wife.

I hope that someday I can come to deserve the love she's given me all of these years.

To my daughter.

And her partner.

May they flourish in their pursuit of truth and justice.

Here, here.

So, what lying, cheating, rapscallion are you following now?

You can dress her up, but you can't take her out.

Oh, that's all right.

It went down the wrong way.

It was a nothing day, really.

Paper work.

I never left the office.

Boring.

I seem to have emptied my glass.

You better be careful how you drink that.

It'll go to your head.

That's where I want it to go, dear.

If you excuse me, I think I'll freshen up.

Mom, I'll join you.

Relax, they'll be in there for half an hour, gabbing away.



- I don't think it's gonna take that long.



- No?

Mother, I want to talk to you.

Oh, my goodness, look at me.

Look at my eyes.



- I have something to tell you.



- Me and champagne.



- I don't want to.

I have to.



- Should've seen me last night.



- Ask me about the wedding.



- The wedding?

The wedding.

Ask me about the wedding.



- Mother, how was the wedding?



- It was lovely.

I mean, well, there was a certain point when I stopped paying attention to everybody else and your father and I, we danced the whole night with each other.

There is something about your father in a tuxedo, and he knows it too.

It was wonderful dancing like that.

I can't remember last time we did it.

Years, I think.

And your father is a wonderful dancer.



- He is, isn't he?



- Yes.

You know, I remember when we were dating, starting to date.

It was on Michigan Avenue, there was a little club?

Club Flamingo.

Or was it Club Casablanca?

It was one of those awful names.

We were there every Saturday night.

Last night was wonderful.

Last night was just like that.



- How did everything come out?



- It didn't.



- Thanks for a great dinner, Mr.

Hayes.



- You're more than welcome, padre.



- Maddie, did you have a nice meal?



- It was fine, Daddy.



- I had a nice dinner too, dear.



- Yes, I can see that, sweetheart.

See what I mean, Maddie, we don't talk very much.

Well, that's not true.

We talk all the time.

Oh, you're right, we talk all the time.

We talk in our sleep.

I'm not always awake to hear it.

Hear the one about the ventriloquist who talked in his sleep?

His wife had to go in the next room to hear anything.

Listen, anybody feel like some air?

I wanna walk off that dinner.

Well, you walk.

I feel like going upstairs, going to sleep, and having a good chat.

Ms.

Hayes, how about I walk you to your room.

Oh, that's very sweet of you, Mr.

Addison.

Then Maddie can take a walk with her father.

Yeah, come on, take a walk with the old man.

See you later.

Madam.



- I don't know what's with your mother.



- There's nothing.

I mean her moods.

Things she says, like we don't talk.

We talk all the time.

I don't know what's with her.

There's nothing with Mother.

The way she was drinking at dinner Look, I'm not looking for pity, but sometimes it's all I can do to

-

- What?



- Maddie?



- It's all you can do to what?



- What's the matter with you?

Maddie?



- What?

What?



- Maddie!

- What?

What?



- Maddie!

- What?

What?



- What's the matter?



- What?

What?



- Maddie! You know what really stinks, Dad, is you're not even good at it.

She's known! She's known, all along!

- Good morning, ticklebug.



- Hi, Mom.

Your father is still up in the room packing.

I pleaded with him to come down, but

- What?



- Nothing.

You were looking at me.

What?

I must look terrible.

No, I wasn't thinking anything like that.

Something in your face reminded me of when you were a little girl.



- That was a long time ago.



- Yes.

No.

It's funny, when I was a young mother and you were a little girl I thought, "This is how it was meant to be.

" And then you grew up, and life changed.

And I remember when I met your father for the first time.

The same feelings.

"This is right, this is good, hold on to this.

" And we grew, and we changed and we loved each other.

For better, for worse.

Different.

It rains, and it stops and the sun comes out again.

I think that must be the secret of life.

Your mother philosopher, Candy Hayes.



- Wasn't there an actor with that name?



- Gabby Hayes.

I've been called that too.

Why don't you say something.

You seem to have something on your mind.

No.



- Yes.



- Would you like some coffee?

Oh, yes, thank you.

What you said in my office the other day

- Maddie, I do get hysterical, don't I?

I mean, I hope it isn't hereditary.

As a little girl, you were more of a door

-slammer like your father.

Still am.

Mom, I think he's a good man.

He is, isn't he.

I think it would please him to hear you say that.



- Excuse me?



- I'd like you to do something for me.

What's that, Mom?

Did you and your father get into something the other night?

He didn't say anything, but he tossed and turned.

He seemed to be very upset about something.



- Mom

-

- Maddie, I don't know what it was but I think you should make it up with him.

Maddie, please go upstairs and talk with him.

You're really crazy about him, aren't you?

I think he's a good man too.

Come in, it's open.

That's all the luggage on the bed.

I called down about 10 minutes ago to have them send the car.

Should be able to throw the luggage right in.

Mom said she thought maybe we had something to talk about.



- I guess Mom was wrong.



- Don't

- Don't go, please.

For what it's worth, I didn't sleep a wink last night because I was afraid I'd fall asleep, and if I fell asleep, I'd die.

And if I d*ed knowing that you hate me I don't hate you.

It's over, Maddie.

It's all over, really.

I love you, Daddy.

I love you, really.

Really, I do.

It's all over.

All of it.

It will never happen again.

I love you.

Mr.

Addison, she's coming.



- How'd things go with your parents?



- It went fine.

If she gets any calls, send them into my office, all right?

Sure thing, Mr.

Addison.



- That's long enough.



- Long enough?

You have been sitting in here since 11:30.

How about we go out, eat too much, drink too much, get a little stupid?

My parents' plane landed

- It did?



- I called the airline.

They got in fine.

Just fine.



- That's great.

And everything's okay?



- As okay as it can be.

Then I guess we can forget about plan B.



- Plan B?



- Plan B.

- What is plan B?

- I was thinking of adopting you.

- Adopting me?

- Yeah, it would be great.

- I'd bounce you on my knee.

- Really?

Tell you stories at bedtime.

Would I have my own room?

Kids today.

It's always "Gimme, gimme, gimme.