02x17 - Funeral for a Door Nail

[bunniefuu]

MOONLIGHTING Hello?

Bonsoir, Monsieur Clements?

English.

Please, English.

Mr.

Clements, we have just received word from Los Angeles.

There has been an automobile accident.

Mrs.

Clements is dead.

ADULT BOOKS AND MOVIE ARCADE You're supposed to talk to me.

Who is it you want k*lled?

Me.

What's the matter?

You sick or something?

Yes, I'm sick.

Did you bring the money?

Listen today is Tuesday.

I need some time to get my affairs in order.



- I'd like it not to happen until Friday.



- I'll tell him.

And I don't care where, I don't care when.

In fact, I don't even wanna know.

I just need until Friday.

I'll tell him.

Trust me, everything about this litigation is pro forma.



- Roger?



- Allen.

Jill is just trying to find the file with your will in it.



- Just a few minutes.



- Fine, thank you.

Hey! Hey! Hey! Roger, what's wrong?

Blue Moon Investigations.

Are you being watched?

Are you being bugged?

Give us a call and we'll find the thug.

Whoever is your peeping Tom, d*ck or John we won't quit until he is gone.

Yes, I am wearing a pale green dress.

How did you know?

You're watching me?

Right now?

Hello?

Hello?



- Morning, Ms.

DiPesto.



- Morning, Ms.

Hayes.



- Is Mr.

Addison in yet?



- About 20 minutes now.

Hold all his calls for the next couple of minutes, will you?

David.



- I can't find him anywhere.



- Hi, Mr.

Addison.



- Hi, Ms.

DiPesto.



- David!

- Maddie!

- I was looking for you.



- Really?

What a coincidence.

I'm here.



- Is there any way we can talk?



- What if we use mouths and tongues?



- Your office.

No putting one over on you.

That is my office.



- I need a favor.



- Done.



- What do you mean?



- I mean whatever you need, it's done.



- Whatever favor you want, you got it.



- Wanna hear what it is first?



- I don't need to.



- You don't need to?

No, I can't think of anything that I wouldn't wanna help you with.



- It involves a wedding.



- A thought does come to mind.

I have a cousin in Chicago getting married for the second time.

Oh, your cousin.

I can't tell you what it's like to go to a family wedding alone.



- Wait a second.



- You get introduced to everyone who's male, single and still breathes.

They make sure you get the bouquet and I've yet to meet a photographer who didn't think I had terrific bone structure and haven't I always wanted to model for some tasteful highly artistic nudes?



- I don't believe it.



- So, what I was wondering was

- if I could get you to take me.



- I'd be delighted.



- What?



- Well, I'd rather you weren't delighted.



- Weren't delighted?



- I'd rather you were fine with it.



- Fine with it?



- Fine with it.



- Fine, I'm fine with it.



- No, you're not.

You're delighted.



- I'm sorry.



- No, you're not.

You're right.

Actually, I'm confused.

Why wouldn't you go with someone who's delighted to take you?



- You wouldn't understand.



- No?

You wouldn't.

See, I was supposed to go with my dentist, Jordan.

A dentist named after an almond?

What's nice about going with Jordan is he's an NSM.



- m*llitary guy, huh?



- Nice, safe man.

He's nice, he's safe

- All right, I can guess the rest.



- You were gonna go with this eunuch

-

- NSM.



- What happened?



- Mrs.

Peterson.



- Mrs.

Peterson?



- Mrs.

Peterson.

He was doing a root canal.

She bit him.



- Bit him?



- Bit him.

She didn't think he was such a nice, safe man.

Now he's gotta stay in town and get sh*ts for the next 10 days.

Well, his loss is my gain.



- There you go again, acting delighted.



- I'm sorry.



- I'll try and do something about that.



- I'm serious.

My whole family's gonna be at this wedding.

I have enough to worry about without you being delighted.



- I'm not that delighted.



- Wondering if I'm having a good time.

What do I care?



- Rushing for the check.



- My wallet is glued to my pocket.

Quizzing me about what our sleeping arrangements will be.

You said you wanted safe, not dead.

I can see this is going to be a fun weekend.



- Maybe we should forget about it.



- Maybe we should! Good.



- I can't.



- No backbone.

I like that in a woman.

Wouldn't it be wonderful if you could just rent a guy?

Someone to take home on Thanksgiving and Christmas and special occasions.

Someone you could put back in the box when the occasion was over.



- Like a tux.



- Exactly like a tux.



- Or a car.



- Exactly like a car.



- But there isn't.



- Doggone it.

So I guess it's me and you.

Maddie if you'd feel more comfortable actually paying someone I would be willing to look at this as a business proposition.



- Really?



- Really.



- Lf it'd make you feel more comfortable.



- But would it make you uncomfortable?

No.

No, not in the least.

Well, thank you.

That would make me feel better.



- Then it's settled.



- It's settled.

Thank you, David.

So how much?



- How much what?



- How much do I get?

For the trip?

You mean how much money for the trip?

I don't know.

Let's see, there's the cost of the flight and the hotel.

And you're gonna have to rent formalwear.

I'll pay for all that.



- I mean over and above.



- Over?

And above?

I don't know.

Couple hundred dollars?

To not wonder if you're having a good time?



- It was a start.



- To not pick up checks?



- Sleep where I'm told?



- What's your price?

Twelve hundred dollars, on the barrelhead.

You

- are eye crust.



- The better to see you with, my dear.



- You are navel lint.



- Expensive navel lint.



- You are

-

- Don't go much lower.

They'll take us off the air.

Ms.

Hayes, Mr.

Addison, there's a man here to see you.



- Not now, we're fighting!

- Not now, we're fighting! Twelve hundred dollars?

Twelve hundred dollars?

Keep it down.

That leaks out, this place is gonna be crawling with women.

I'm sorry to interrupt, but this man says he's in a hurry.



- In a minute!

- In a minute! I would rather go to this wedding alone than pay you or any other man $ 1200.

I understand your reaction.

It sounds like a lot of money, but check around.

You want a guy who's good

-looking, decent manners, no open sores.

$ 1200 is what it's gonna run you.



- Get the hell out of

-

- Get the hell out of

-

- Hello.



- Hello.

I'm sorry to barge in but if I don't get some help quickly, I'll be dead within 48 hours.

What do you think?

I'll remember where we left off.

Won't you have a seat?

Slow down.

You're gonna pass it.

Imagine Mr.

Clements loving his wife so much, he couldn't live without her.

Imagine poor Mr.

Clements finding out his wife was still alive after he'd already scheduled his big finale.

Tomorrow, rain or shine.

No exchanges, no returns.



- We will be able to stop it, won't we?



- We'll sure try.

Nice thing about a case like this, either way it's over in 24 hours.

I'm not going in there.

It'll be fine.

Keep your hands in your pockets and don't sit on anything that's been sat on before.

Who is this man?

Why is he rubbing his filthy clothing on my car?

Who is he?

He's the Avon lady.



- Why're they doing that?



- Rather they use their tongues?



- Where are you going?



- I'm going in that filthy bookstore.

You're leaving me here?



- Well, then come with me.



- In there?

I promise I will not let any of these men with their disgusting thoughts get anywhere near you.

Here you go, fellas.

Split that three ways.

She makes me come here.

I hate this place.

Hey, my man.

Where can I get a job around here?



- Oh, my goodness.



- Oh, my badness.

Look at this stuff.

I don't even know what some of this stuff is for.

Oh, well the

- Beats me.

Be right back.

Excuse me, can you tell me where I can find booth number three?

First living brain donor.

The booths are in the back.

Three's okay, but four and seven are really the best.

Really?

Thank you.

Gee, I'm glad I ran into you.

Nice.

If a rash develops, discontinue use.

Learn anything?

Come on, hurry up and get out of there.

Your sister has to use the bathroom.

This is where he came to buy a m*rder?

That's what the man said.

Gee, what usually happens in these rooms?

What, pray tell, makes you think I would know?

All right, then.

What makes you think I would tell you?



- Let's get on with it.



- Or, in this case, off with it.

One for the money Two for the glitz Three to get ready Now let's see some

- David.

Something.

Let's see something.

David.

What is that woman going to do in there?

David that woman is going to take off her clothes.

David, that woman is taking off her clothes.

David, that woman has taken off her clothes.

David, are you listening to me?

David, what are you doing?

I'm making sure we don't run out of quarters.

Is there something special you two would like to see?

Well, as a matter of fact

- We are representing a man named Roger Clements.

Roger Clements.

Does that name mean anything to you?

Representing?

What does that mean, "representing"?

What is this, like, vicarious pleasure?

Do you remember him?

He came in here.

He tried to hire someone, a m*rder*r.

He told you he was ill.



- You two police?



- We work for Mr.

Clements.

So, what is the problem with this Mr.

Clements?

Does he have an engagement for Friday?

Would he like to reschedule for Saturday?

He'd like to call it off.



- Wait, a quarter!

- Okay.

Here, wait.



- Give!

- Here! Here! Here! Give me those.

Keeps you on your toes, doesn't it?

So he wants to call it off.

How come he didn't come here himself?

He's scared.

He's not sure that whoever it is that's supposed to do this isn't following him, waiting to do it.

He's prepared to pay to call it off.

Yeah.

Well, he's gonna have to.

This isn't a department store.

We don't take returns.

I don't even know if I can contact the people.

I mean, I don't know.

He asked us to offer you this.

It's the same amount he paid to arrange the m*rder in the first place.

You have a number where you can be reached, any time of the day?

Anything you can do.

Friday is less than 13 hours away.

Anything you can do

- It'll be okay.

She'll find him.

She'll contact him.

Call the whole thing off.

It'll be okay.



- You think so?



- Yeah.

No.

It'll be okay.

What are we gonna tell Mr.

Clements?

Don't worry about it.

Just let me do the talking.

Evening.



- Mr.

Addison, Ms.

Hayes.



- Got that right.

I thought I told you to stay away from this window.

Come on.



- You caught me, huh?



- Mr.

Clements, it's no joke.



- Someone with a high

-powered r*fle

-

- I'm sorry, it's just I know she's out there somewhere.



- So how did the two of you do?



- We found the person you spoke to.

She's going to try and reach the people involved.



- Try?



- Try.



- And what do we do meanwhile?



- We sit and wait.



- Here?

All night?



- Here all night, or until she calls.

And then I promise you we'll find Mrs.

Clements.

Ms.

DiPesto, you can go now.

Thank you, Ms.

Hayes.

Mr.

Addison.

See you in the morning?

I'm afraid you will.

I think I'll stretch out in my office.

Feel free to take the couch.

Hello?

I mean, Blue Moon.

Who?

Yeah.

Yeah, he's right here.

Hello?

Yes, this is Roger Clements.

You did?

You were?

I really

- I don't know how to thank you.

Money works.

She said it's taken care of.

They called off the dogs.

So I'm free to cancel my will, make dinner plans for Monday.



- Now watch, I'll die in a car accident.



- Don't be silly, Mr.

Clements.

So, what do we do now?



- Go to our respective homes.



- And get some respective sleep.

And first thing Monday morning?

We begin searching for Mrs.

Clements.

Thank you.

Thank you both.

Oh, my goodness.

Excuse me.

What time do you have?

Thirty

-one hours to the wedding.

So, what was your cop like?

I had this girl cop.

First time.

I mean, first time I was ever interrogated by a girl cop.

Sounds weird.

Girl cop.

Excuse me.

I mean, woman cop.

Wait a second.

There's gotta be some other word for that.

Copette?

All right, I'll work on it.

Anyway, it was really weird.

I mean, because I'm sitting there in this chair.

And this girl

- This woman is walking back and forth in front of me asking me these questions.

And, I mean, I had to ask her like six, seven times to repeat the question because, I mean, I'm sitting there and right at eye level is her Well, you know.

Her womanhood.

Womanhoods.

I mean, it's not like there's anything else to look at except the bright light.

Of course, maybe that's their strategy.

They figure that if you're looking at her trying to figure out whether this copette is wearing underwear maybe you're not as prone to lie.

What do you think?

All right.

Let me ask you a question.

Sort of related.

You know how some women wear them bras with the flowery lace on them?

And then they put a shirt on and you can see the flowery lace showing through.

Why do they do that?

You're looking up and you don't wanna see outlines of flowery lace.

There's only one reason you're looking up there.

Somebody ought to tell women about that, you know?

You know, sometimes when I get tired I just start talking.

I say whatever comes into my brain.

Well, I don't know about you, but I am one tired jamoke.

Hit that.

All right.

You get your stuff, I'll get my stuff and I'll meet you at the heap.

I'll ring for the elevator while you're getting your stuff.

Maddie, come on, the elevator's here.

No, it's not.

Maddie?

She's out there somewhere, David.

She is.

She's out there.



- No, she's not.



- Yes, she is.



- No, she's not.



- Yes, she is.

No, she's not.

Let's ask them.

Is she out there?



- See.



- I don't care, David.

I think Mrs.

Clements is out there.

And we have to find her.



- Why?



- Why?

Clements paid us to do two jobs.

Prevent his death and find his wife.

We failed at the first.

We can finish the second.

Back up.

The first, the death of Roger Clements, is now a matter for police.

Police.

You ever hear of them?

Public servants who are paid with our tax dollars.

The second, the possible but unlikely sighting of Mrs.

Clements from a window is not worth discussing.



- David.



- But I guess we will anyway.

When it came to his wife, the man was not normal.

He was 50 feet in the air when he saw her.

If he saw her.

He didn't saw her.

He thought he saw her!

- But, David

-

- Maddie, it's 11:30 on a Friday night.

Friday night.

You and I haven't slept in a bed for two days.

Tomorrow is a weekend.

It just seems this is something we can discuss on Monday when we're awake, showered, conscious.



- I'll find her myself.



- How about we go to Chicago check into the Drake, go to a wedding eat cake, drink champagne, dance.

Come on, it's the stuff dreams are made of.

And I'm prepared to go at no cost whatsoever to you.

Come on, Maddie.

Let's let it lay.



- David, I can't.



- I can't.

What time am I gonna pick you up in the morning?



- How does a little after 10 sound?



- Great.

Sounds like noon.

Three o'clock here.

Five o'clock in Chi town.



- So?



- So.

Wedding's been cooking for a couple hours now.

Getting sloppy.



- Sloppy?



- Sloppy.

First few hours of a wedding don't count.

Very formal, very sober.

In

-laws still friendly.

But the last few hours, very sloppy.

Champagne flowing.

Tongues flapping.

Hungry guys hoping there's no such thing as a maid of honor.

Bridesmaids trying to find out who really is the best man.



- What's your point?



- No point.

I just hope you'll ask me again.

I just hope I'm smart enough to say yes.

And I just hope we're smart enough to go.



- What does that mean?



- It means, I don't know why we're here.

It's Saturday.

Maddie, we have covered all the bases.

The police report has her dead.

The newspaper reports have her dead.

The salvage yard has a car that's dead.

It's time we face facts.

This woman took a Sunday drive down a 200

-foot cliff without a road.

You're forgetting something.

No body.

They haven't found a body.

Big ocean, Maddie.

Lots of places to hide.



- Okay.



- Okay?



- Okay, what?



- Okay, I'm satisfied.

What are you saying?

I'm saying you're right.

Of course I'm right.

Now that we've got that settled, the night's still young.

I still got a rented tux.

You still got a formal.



- What do you say we crash a prom?



- You know what we should do?

Get a corsage?

Rent a limo?



- Spike the punch?



- Give back the money.

Give back the money?

Whose money?



- Clements' money.



- Are you nuts?



- We didn't earn it.



- Earn it?



- Who left you John Houseman?



- We cannot accept money

- for services we're unable to render.



- You can't, I can.



- You're working for me.

Give it back.



- For who?

For what?

Last time we saw Clements, they were scraping him off our garage.



- Who you gonna give the money to?



- His estate.

His estate?

His estate?

What's he gonna do?

Go to Fiji?

Get a new car?

Another estate?

David, we didn't do the job.

Look.

I'll admit, on the face of it our batting average is a little low.

A little low?

It's nil.

The fact remains we blew a weekend in the Windy City and you know why?

Because we tried.

We tried.

But the man's dead and the woman's still gone.

I can't help the way I feel.



- Who you calling?



- Clements' attorney.

He'll know what to do with the check.

Clements' attorney?

Stop.

Think about it.

Mull it over.

Besides, it's Saturday.

He's not gonna be in.

Hello, this is Madelyn Hayes.

I was wondering if the attorney for the late Roger Clements was in.

Oh, you are.

You knew that was coming, didn't you?

Are you the folks who called?

I'm Madelyn Hayes and this is David Addison.

Come in.

It's kind of funny you should call.

I'm not usually here on Saturdays.

Here.

Excuse the mess.

I'm moving my practice.

Here.

Won't you sit down?

I don't think that'll be necessary.

Won't take long.

Our client, Mr.

Clements, your client, Mr.

Clements paid us for services we were unable to render.



- We're here to give his money back.



- Give it back?



- That's what I said.



- We can't keep it.

Well, that's awfully magnanimous.

I must say I'm a bit surprised.

Though everything about Roger has been a surprise.

We all knew he loved Celia.

We all knew he'd grieve.

But nobody realized how much.

How deeply.

Listen, I appreciate what you're doing.

I'm sure Roger would appreciate what you're doing.

But it's not necessary.

It's not as though the money will be missed.

Trust me, Roger was a wealthy man.

His heirs will be well taken care of.

Why don't you keep this?

Good day, Mr.

Margolese.



- Good day.



- Toodles.



- You're mad, aren't you?



- Nope.

Just in a hurry.



- Can we at least talk about it?



- No time.

I gotta get this suit back to Harvey's by You didn't utter a word the whole drive back from the lawyer's.

You wanna tell me what's on your

-?

What you're thinking about?

No.

That's okay.

We've already had this conversation.

We've had it to death.

Different cases, different dollars.

But we have had this conversation.

This is about the money.

No, not "the" money.

That money.

The money you gave away today.

Pardon me.

Can I ask you something?

If you had taken that money

-

- If you had let me.



- How would you have slept?

Same as always.

On my stomach, boxers tangled around my ankles.

Mental picture is something, isn't it?

Addison, have you no integrity in that fleece bun of a soul of yours?

No.

I'd love to stay but there's no grace period at Harvey's.

Excuse me.

I guess I wasn't looking where I was going.

If you had any idea how you look, you'd pay more attention.

Can we help you?



- I don't know.



- I do.

Unless you're Lindbergh's baby or Jimmy Hoffa, it'll wait till Monday.

My name is Celia Clements.

Who?

Celia Clements.

Maybe it's not too late to get the money back.

You know, Roger used to joke: "Without you in my life, Celia, life wouldn't be worth living.

" I guess he wasn't joking after all.



- I guess not.



- You think I'm awful, don't you?

Faking my death, causing Roger so much pain.

You won't understand this, but Roger loved me too much.

At first I enjoyed the attention, being the center of someone's life.

But after a while, one by one, he ran off everyone in our lives.

Friends, family, until it was just the two of us.

It was like being slowly smothered.

He began treating me like some priceless antique.

So fragile.

A treasure to be kept under lock and key.

He was even jealous of the dog.

He told me she ran away, but I saw her one day.

I'm sure of it.

Riding down the freeway in the back of someone else's station wagon.

But why the phony accident?

Why not a divorce?

I went to my attorney and told him I needed out.

He told me the law provided a remedy: Divorce.

We both knew that wasn't the answer, not with Roger.

He'd have me followed wherever I went.

Track me to the ends of the earth, never giving me a moment's peace.

My death, however painful it was to Roger would at least be final.

He'd go on with his life and I'd go on with mine.

But it didn't quite work out that way.

When Mr.

Margolese called and told me Roger had contacted him to make an appointment to discuss his will

- Wait a second, Margolese knew you

-?

He knows you're alive?

I told you, he called me.

I figured out what Roger was up to and even went to Mr.

Margolese's office to show I was alive so he wouldn't go through with it.

But I couldn't bring myself to go into the building.

I guess I didn't believe in my heart he'd actually go through with it.

I guess there's nothing to do now but mourn and spend the money.

What money?

I didn't want his money.

If I had wanted his money I would have divorced him.

You mean, you'd let it all go to his heirs?

Heirs?

What heirs?

What are you talking about?

Margolese said his heirs would be well taken care of.

He must have been mistaken.

My husband had no heirs.

No relatives at all.

He was adopted.

And he and his foster parents haven't spoken since he was 18.

What heirs?

You gave me quite a start.

Is there something else I can help you with?

This afternoon you said that the heirs to Roger Clements' estate were going to be taken care of.

What did you mean by that?

I meant exactly what I said.

That his nephews, nieces, aunts, cousins anyone who had a claim to the estate was gonna do just fine.



- Not according to Clements' wife.



- His wife?

Yeah.

Client of yours.

Dark hair.

Alive.

Legs that go from here to there and back again.

Think about it.

You'll remember.

I think you're mistaken.

Mrs.

Clements passed away.

The late Mrs.

Clements visited our office this afternoon.

Why did you lie to us?

Lie?

I didn't lie.

I was merely perpetuating a useful fiction.

Trying to protect the interests of my client.

An extraordinarily unhappy woman who was being suffocated by her husband.

But there aren't any heirs.

And I can't help but wonder, what's gonna happen to all that money?

You're making a mountain out of a molehill, Ms.

Hayes.

The assets of the estate will be put into a trust for Mrs.

Clements, period.

And who's the trustee for this trust?

Guilty as charged.

It's my job to see she gets all the money that's coming to her.

But she doesn't want anything.

She doesn't expect a dime.

I think what we have here is a failure to remunerate.

What exactly are you trying to say?

That perhaps the trustee of this trust is not to be trusted.

You knew Clements' game.

When he decided to call it on account of hope you made sure all nine innings were played.



- What?



- What?

Don't g*ng up on me.

I don't write this stuff.

You k*lled him.

Made it look like the k*lling he ordered so you could help yourself to his estate.

That's why you're packing, isn't it?

So you could leave before anyone's the wiser.

You two are letting your imaginations run away with you.

Me?

No, I wouldn't let my imagination run away with me.

Not overnight, unless there was a good dinner in it.

There's something I want to show you.

Here.

Just take a look at these estate papers.

Look.

Right, start there.

"If you and your family want good luck now and forevermore send six copies of this letter to six

- " What the

-?



- Do you know what this means?



- I sure do.

Start the chase music, boys.

David! Here.

David.

I hope I didn't upset your plans, Sergeant Garcia.

Zorro will make you change!

- Get off of me!

- Just my luck.

Finally get you prone and I'm facing the wrong way.

Come back here, you crook! David! You almost 7

-10 split.

Don't you wanna try for the spare?

Seems like the only way out is up here.

Looks like it's all over, Margolese.

Then again, I could be wrong.

Where are you going?

Here! What am I supposed to do with this?

You're pretty handy with a hose.

Say good night, David.

Good night, David.