07x04 - The Bypass

[bunniefuu]

♪ You must remember this

♪ A kiss is still a kiss

♪ A sigh is just a sigh

♪ The fundamental things apply

♪ As time goes by ♪

All ashore that's going ashore!

- You sure you won't come on with us?
- No, thanks, Lionel's tired.

- I didn't say anything about being tired.
- Well, I'm tired, so you must be.

Oh, I see.
Thanks for a delicious meal, Alistair.

Absolutely de nada, Li.

You're coming to the country tomorrow?

Yeah, it will be nice
to get out of London for a bit.

Are Sandy and Har coming?

- Harry.
- Sorry. Harry.

- No, they can't make it, I'm afraid.
- Oh, shame.

Catch you guys tomorrow, then.

Good night, Alistair. See you later, Judy.

- Or not.
- Good night, Mum. Good night, Lionel.

- Enjoy yourselves.
- Wagons roll!

Where are they going on to?

Knowing Alistair, it's probably Istanbul.

We never used to go on anywhere.

We didn't have any money
to go on anywhere.

That's true.
I should have stuck to the millionaire.

- Which millionaire?
- I forget his name now.

Getty. Something like that.

- We did go on once.
- Oh, did we? Where?

Lyon's Corner House in the Strand.
It was your birthday.

So it was. There was an organ.

Yes, there was.

And we danced till
the small hours of the morning.

A quarter to 11.
I had to be back in barracks by midnight.

"The small hours of the morning"
has a nicer ring to it.

It's a shame Sandy
can't come down to the country.

I don't know if she can or not.
I'm not asking her.

- Why, what's she done?
- Nothing.

- I just thought she'd like to stay here.
- On her own?

Harry's not on duty this weekend.

Oh, I see.
Have they got to that stage, then?

- I don't know.
- You're not forcing the pace, are you?

You've got your
Victorian face on again.

Poor boy! He lives in a section house.
It's full of policemen.

I lived in a barracks full of soldiers. You
lived in a nurses' home full of nurses.

Don't make it sound so virtuous.
It's the way things were then.

But what would you have done if we'd
been offered a house for the weekend?

Panicked, probably.

Is that you, Sandy?

- As ever was. Nice meal?
- Lovely. And you?

A pub one.
Quite enjoyable, apart from the row.

By sheer coincidence,
Harry chose a pub

that was showing live coverage
of some European football match.

- I forgot that was on. Who won?
- I don't know.

We're going down to the country
for the weekend. Is Harry off duty?

Yes, he is, as a matter of fact, but...

I did tell you, Alistair gets on his nerves.

and if they're there
for a whole weekend...

- I wasn't suggesting you should come.
- Oh!

Oh.

- What Jean means...
- Sandy knows what I mean.

We're not forcing the pace or anything.

No, of course not.

Well, I think I might turn in. Good night.

- Good night.
- Good night.

- You sure you didn't notice the score?
- It was either 2-2 or 4-2.

Either 2-2 or 4-2!

There's not much difference, is there?

No, it's all right, Harry, it's not your fault.

Maybe some other time.
Talk to you next week.

Bye.

- I'm fed up with demonstrators!
- Demonstrators? Why?

Because they disrupt
other people's lives, that's why.

There's some big demonstration
in Hyde Park. So what happens?

Off-duty policemen are
suddenly on-duty policemen.

Oh, what a shame.

You might as well come down
to the country with us, then.

I don't want to play gooseberry.

You won't be. Besides, Lol's
six brothers might ask you out again.

In that case, I should
take five girlfriends with me.

Will you stop following me around?
It's just a cardboard box.

- I know. I want to know what's in it!
- Just things!

Every time we go down to the country
you take boxes.

We have a car. I'm not asking you
to walk all the way down.

- For goodness' sake!
- Aaah!

Aaah!

Is this some kind of grown-ups' game?

- It's her and her boxes!
- Her?

It's Jean Hardcastle and her boxes, then.
Come on, what's in that one?

If you must know, candles.

- Candles?
- Why candles?

Power cuts are not unknown
in the country.

What would happen if we had one?

You'd turn to me and say,
"Do we have any candles?"

No. We'd just wait for
Mrs Bale to come in

with the candles
she keeps for emergencies.

It doesn't do any harm.
There's room in the car.

There won't be at this rate.

- How many have you got in there?
- Enough.

I've left enough for Sandy in case
there's a power cut here.

I'm coming with you now,
if that's all right. Harry's on duty.

- You said he wasn't.
- There's a demonstration in Hyde Park.

- Damn people.
- That's not fair.

You don't even know what
they're demonstrating about.

I don't need to know. It's just an excuse
to make noise, cause traffic jams,

leave a lot of litter
and spoil other people's weekends.

Like mine and Harry's,

and the families of all the other
policemen who have to do extra duty.

Well, yeah, I see that.

Don't get browbeaten so easily.

Think of the Jarrow marchers.

The Jarrow marchers?
That was years ago.

I know, but those men had a just cause.
They marched for the right to work.

- What sort of work?
- Mining.

Shipbuilding. And the difference was,
they marched in an orderly fashion

with only a few policemen
to escort them.

Not this rent-a-mob
who demonstrate as a way of life!

Look, don't let's argue about it.
I'm sorry I ever mentioned it now.

Let's just have a nice weekend.

- Mining!
- Lionel!

- I'm going to fill another box.
- What's in this one, spare bedding?

- Hello, Mrs Bale.
- Good afternoon.

You're 15 minutes behind
your estimated time of arrival.

You sound like an airport
announcement.

I wouldn't know.
I've never been to an airport.

Let me help with the luggage.

No, really, Mrs Bale,
we can manage.

Why don't you make us
a nice cup of tea?

Tea will be served
in exactly 17 and a half minutes.

Contraband.

It's just a few personal effects,
Mrs Bale, honestly.

- No eggs?
- No eggs, I promise.

- Hmm.
- We can manage.

There are too many people
in the village who say that.

But come a situation,
and it's sheer anarchy.

Really, Mrs Bale, don't hold them like
that, because the bottom's a bit...

Personal effects, you said?

Let's hope she doesn't
find the distress flares.

On the dot, Mrs Bale.

I was born punctually and saw no reason
to be anything else for the rest of my life.

Will the young people
be coming for the weekend?

Alistair's bringing the girls down
after work.

- They won't be bringing any boxes.
- I'm pleased to hear it.

Did I understand you to say there
was a situation in the village?

- Yes, there is.
- What is it?

- A situation.
- What sort of situation?

It's a local matter.

Well, there you are, then.

No, it's not. We're locals.

With respect, Mrs Hardcastle,

- you are strictly part-timers.
- exactly.

I'm sorry,
but Lionel and I insist that you tell us.

Very well.

There are plans for a bypass
for the village.

Are there? Are there?

- An excellent cup of tea, Mrs Bale.
- Thank you.

You mentioned anarchy.

Perhaps a slight exaggeration.

Shall we say... confusion.

Almost everyone in the village feels
the need to have their voice heard...

Of course they do.

But organisation is not
the village's strong point.

They didn't finish
the w*r memorial until 1961.

So any hope of an organised protest is,
at the very best, remote.

- I see... Mrs Bale...
- Would you excuse us, Mrs Bale?

Yes, of course. It's almost time
for the shipping forecast, anyway.

The last I heard,

the wind was doing some
very peculiar things in the Irish Sea.

Just stop it, all right?

- Stop what?
- You know very well what.

Your eyes lit up as soon as
you heard the word "protest".

- Aren't you at all interested?
- It's not our business.

I don't want you charging around waving
a placard like a latter-day Joan of Arc!

She didn't have a placard.
She had a banner.

Actually, a placard's better.

It doesn't wave about
in the wind so much.

- Hello, Mrs Bale.
- Hello, Mrs Bale.

Good evening, Miss Judith, Miss Sandy.

You haven't brought
any excess baggage, I hope?

Only Alistair.

May I say, Mrs Bale, you look younger
every time I see you?

You may say it,
but don't expect me to believe it.

Your rooms are ready.
Dinner will be at 8:07.

How many rooms?

- There are three of you.
- Ah.

- "Ah," what?
- Well, the thing is, Mrs Bale...

Think of a tall balloonist
with piercing blue eyes.

I didn't say three rooms
had to be occupied.

I shall be in the kitchen.

A tall balloonist
with piercing blue eyes?

She was young once too, you know.

I agree with mum. I think a bypass
is a disgrace. Think of the wildlife.

We're in Hampshire, not Africa.

There are little rabbits and things.

It's bound to go through
an area of natural beauty.

- You've seen the plans?
- They always do.

The demonstrators will be arriving soon.

I know you've got a thing
about demonstrators,

- but something has to be done.
- By somebody else.

- That's how wars start!
- Oh!

- You know what strikes me?
- What's that?

Speaking eco-wise, things should be...

like that, right?

But if this happens...

can it ever be put back?

- I don't know what he's saying.
- That's a very good point, Alistair.

- They'll chain themselves to trees.
- Who will?

Not the villagers, the professionals.

They'll build tree houses, dig tunnels.

And who gets stuck with
the job of moving them on

and coming out as the villains?

An under-manned police force!

Anyone would think
you were seeing a policeman.

I'm not seeing a policeman
and I think she's right.

I still say it's not our business.

It's everybody's business.
Remember what Alistair said.

I didn't understand a word of that.

- OK...
- Oh, not again!

Alistair, there is absolutely no point.

Lionel is in a hermit crab mode.

However, Mum and I know
that you are with us on this one.

Sorry, Li.
It can't always be an all guy thing.

So we have a clear majority.

This is a discussion,
not a vote in the House of Commons.

- Just discussion won't get us anywhere.
- Good, as we're not going anywhere.

Oh, all right, have it your way.

Chain yourselves to trees, live up trees,

dig tunnels, only think on this.

Would you really get involved if local
opinion wanted you to stay out of it?

- Well, no, but I don't see...
- I was right about the Irish Sea.

And I shall be serving
coffee in four minutes.

Mrs Bale, this bypass controversy.

Do you honestly think
we should become involved?

- No, I don't.
- Don't let him stampede you.

I have never been stampeded in my life.

So you think probably not.

I think absolutely and positively not.

Coffee will now be served
in three and a half minutes.

Mind you, that is just one local's opinion.

- Yes?
- Are you making a cabinet?

I'm making a placard.

I'm sure you can buy job lots of those.

They've got "Down With" on them.

You just fill in what you want
underneath.

Oh, very funny.

Aren't you a bit old for this sort of thing?

"He who is tired of London
is tired of life."

- What's that supposed to mean?
- I know what I mean!

There!

I should go back to Joan of Arc's banner.

- You could help.
- I could also go for a walk. See you later.

Quisling!

- Oh, morning, Lol.
- Good morning.

I'm just having my half past nine's.

Mother's put up plenty if you'd like some.

- No, thanks, I've just had breakfast.
- Oh.

It seems that everybody is talking
about this proposed bypass.

Oh, you wouldn't credit it.

There hasn't been so much excitement

since that business
with Mrs Tucker's leg.

- I hadn't heard about that.
- It was years ago.

She got tipsy in the pub one Christmas
and lost her leg as she walked home.

How awful. A car accident?

No, no, no. It was a wooden leg.

She never would have
one of them modern ones.

She walked home
through the woods,

and that's where it got separated
from the rest of her.

Anyway, she never could find it.

I suppose, at night, one bit of wood's
very much like another.

Yeah, I suppose it is.

Did the poor woman
spend all night in the woods?

No, my word, no.

She cut herself
a stick and hopped home.

Next morning, the whole village
turned out to hunt for it.

How very public-spirited. Was it found?

Oh, yes, easier to spot in the daylight

because of the white ankle sock on it.

Ha-ha!

Heh... er... oooh.
Sorry, I digress. You were saying?

Yeah, what was I saying? Oh, yes.

This bypass,

would you say that local feeling about it
is pretty unanimous?

I would. Highly.

I don't suppose we could co-opt you
onto our action committee?

- I'm not a committee sort of person.
- Fair enough.

But these things
have been stopped before.

Stick together
and I'm sure you can get it banned.

Banned? We don't want it banned.

- What?
- No, we want the bypass.

- I see.
- It's just a little village, isn't it?

We're sick and tired of those juggernauts
thundering through,

campers and caravans.

Give us a bypass, let them go round us
and leave us in peace.

That's what we say.

That is the right word, isn't it?
Juggernauts?

Yeah, no, I'm not smiling at you, Lol.

I was just thinking how easily people can
get hold of the wrong end of the stick.

Well, it shows a sporting spirit
to laugh at yourself.

Yes.

Well, I think I'll go for my walk.

- Cheerio, Lol.
- Cheerio.

- I'll be outside later doing the leaves.
- Fine.

I'll tell you if I find any wooden legs.

A nice lie-in?

Yes, thanks. What have you been doing?

Making placards.

- Don't laugh!
- Of course not.

How many placards did you make?

Only one so far,
but I've got the knack of it now.

- Where's Lionel?
- He's gone for a walk, ostensibly.

I'd say distancing himself.

Excuse me. I have a note for you.

Me? Oh, thanks.

- A secret?
- No. It says,

"Dear Sandy, would you like to come
for a walk with me? Yours faithfully..."

Then there are six signatures.

It's Lol's brothers again, isn't it?

I don't have to write six notes back, do I?

No, I can relay a verbal refusal.

No, go on. The fresh air will do you good.

They're waiting outside.

Oh, why not? They're nice enough lads.

Only, next time you see Harry,

don't tell him you went out
with six men in one day.

He might get the wrong idea.

I shall be going out shortly.

- Would you like anything before I go?
- No, thanks, Mrs Bale.

I've put the hammer away.

Oh, thank you.

- Morning, chaps.
- Morning, Sandy.

- Well, shall we?
- Yes.

You take good care of her, mind,
or Mother will have something to say!

All right, then.

Who is it?

- It's me.
- Oh, hello, Lol.

- Did you want to see me?
- Yes, miss, I did. I'm out here.

Well, come in here.

I don't usually come
this far into the house.

Oh, well, be a devil.
Come on, sit down.

- Oh. But I don't usually...
- Lol!

Well, there.
Now, what do you want to see me about?

Er... l've come to impose myself.

- Are you sure?
- Probably not.

- It's about this bypass business.
- It's dreadful, isn't it?

- It is. We've got a village to consider.
- Of course.

That's it. We're villagers.
We're not skilled at making a fuss.

But that lot who arrived today,
it's like an encampment.

I suppose they're more experienced
at it than the locals.

That's true, whereas, and this is
what I mean by imposing myself,

- if you was to help...
- Oh, really?

I'll be totally honest. I saw Mr Lionel this
morning and canvassed his support.

- He preferred to keep out of it.
- He'd prefer me to keep out of it, too.

- That's that, then.
- No, it isn't.

- But he's your husband.
- I know.

But I think what I want to think
and I do what I want to do.

- Wow! Well, well.
- So sit down again.

- Now, how can I help?
- We formed this action committee.

Excellent. What has it done so far?

- Er, nothing.
- Oh.

We keep going off at tangents.
We start with the bypass,

but in no time we're on about
the beet crop and the price of cattle feed.

I see. That's going to have to stop.

- Well! Oho-hee-hee! Hah!
- What?

- You sounded just like my mother then.
- Oh, did I? Thank you.

- Planning, that's what we need.
- Exactly!

A thoroughly thought-out plan of action.

- That's it!
- And passion!

- Pardon?
- Yes, passion!

A real driving belief in the knowledge
that what you're doing is right.

- Yes!
- Because it is right, Lol.

These are people's lives
being trampled on. You can't do nothing.

No! My word,
you've got me all worked up now.

You talk to the action committee
this afternoon,

you'll get them all worked up as well.

- Oh, talk to... Oh?
- But you must.

I know you're a tender woman,
but you're intelligent.

A woman with a way with words.
We need you!

- I suppose I could pop in.
- That's marvellous. I'll spread the word.

I'd sooner you didn't spread it to Lionel.

"I think what I think and I do what I do,"
that's what you said.

Yes I know and I do, but...

- It just might be...
- Yeah, right.

- I'll be off, then.
- Yes, right.

Don't forget your handkerchief.
- Oh, yeah... Hah! Ooh, heh.

Know who you reminded me of
when you got me worked up?

- Not your mother again?
- No, Winston Churchill.

Hi, Li! How's Hampshire?

I didn't cover all of it.
I just went for a walk.

So did we. We thought we'd recce
part of this bypass route.

It's not the prettiest part of England.
Just old scrubland.

Really?

I don't care.
I still think that Mum's right.

Why is that funny?

- Oh, I'm just in a good mood.
- Hmm.

- Do you want a sandwich?
- Yes, please.

God bless Mrs Bale.
There are lagers here,

labelled "Mr Lionel" and "Mr Alistair."

What about Miss Judith?

Hang on. Oh, you're all right.

There's a bottle of wine labelled
"Miss Judith and Miss Sandy."

- Fair enough.
- Oh, Judy. Oh. There you are!

I thought you said
you were going for a walk.

I did. I didn't say anything
about an all-day trek.

No. Well, I'm going out.

I'm going to see a woman in the village
about aromatherapy.

- Oh.
- Hot oils rubbed into the body. Hey, hey!

Judy, will you see me off?

Yeah, fine.

Why should she want
Judy to see her off?

I've found it best not to wonder
about things like that.

An action committee meeting?
That's terrific.

- You'll be terrific.
- I hope so.

Lol said I got him all worked up.

There you go. Lol's not the most
easily worked up man I've ever met.

He also said I reminded him
of Winston Churchill.

Is that flattering or not?

- I don't know.
- No.

Lionel's bound to find out
about this sooner or later.

If it's a disaster
I shall admit I made a fool of myself.

And if it's a success?

- I shall crow. Wish me luck.
- Good luck.

What's this, a keep-fit class?

Nice one.

How are things with the Ferris boys?

Well, we're pushing
the relationship along a bit.

We held hands this morning.

How do you hold hands with six guys?

- They take it in turns.
- Awww!

I'll tell you what I did find out
that's interesting.

You and Jean
are on the wrong side of this protest.

We're not. We're against the bypass.

But the whole village is for it.

What?

Maybe we jumped
to the wrong conclusion.

No, you hurtled headlong
to the wrong conclusion.

Lol told me the same thing
this morning.

No wonder you were looking
so pleased with yourself.

You could have told Mum before she...

Before she what?

She's gone to an action committee
meeting at the village hall,

but she doesn't know she wants to take
a different action from everyone else!

Why don't people tell me these things?

- Do you want me to come along, Li?
- No, thanks, Alistair.

The fewer of us
who get lynched the better.

You paid through
the nose for them heifers!

You're jealous because
I snapped 'em up before you did.

Snapped 'em up? They was so manky
they was practically giving 'em away!

Hold on!
We're here to talk about the bypass.

Five minutes and we're on about
the price of heifers!

That's exactly why
I asked Mrs Hardcastle.

To bring some sense to this meeting.

- Mrs Hardcastle.
- Thank you.

- Shall I sit or stand?
- Whichever takes your fancy.

Oh, well, I think I'll sit. No, I'll stand.

Erm... hello.

Before I get onto the plan of action
I think we should take,

I want to sum up what I... what you...

well, all of us think about this bypass.

It's an act of sheer ecological vandalism

which we want no part of!

Which we want no part of.

Who are they, these faceless planners

who decide they can rip up yet another
bit of our beautiful countryside?

What right have they
to think we must have a bypass?

There's no "must" about it,
because they can be stopped!

Do excuse me for interrupting,

but I've got
a very important message for my wife.

Excuse us.

They haven't liked anything
I've said so far.

Of course they haven't,
they all want a bypass!

- What?
- Lol told me this morning.

And you let me come here
and make a fool of myself?

No, I said goodbye when
you went off for aromatherapy.

Oh!

I'd better explain
there's been a mix-up.

And leave me to make a bigger
fool of myself? No, thank you!

Erm... sorry about that.
Now, where was I?

- Quite honestly not making much sense.
- No, well, of course I wasn't.

And do you want to know why?

Well, I'll tell you why.

Because everything I've said so far

is just what those stupid people
who oppose the bypass will say.

- Aah.
- Their arguments make no sense at all!

"An act of sheer ecological vandalism"
indeed!

It's nothing more than building
a nice road through...

- Through...
- A bit of old scrubland.

A bit of old scrubland. Am I right?

Exactly! There's more abandoned cars
than trees up there.

Yes. And now let's
consider the planners.

They're not "faceless",
as their detractors would claim.

No, they're a lot of decent people

who've understood that this village
needs a bypass because... because...

- Juggernauts.
- What?

- Juggernauts.
- Juggernauts!

- Exactly, campers and caravans.
- Roaring through the village all day.

Making the crockery on our dresser
rattle something awful.

And as for those young people
who think they've come to help,

they're well-intentioned, but they haven't
bothered to find out how the locals feel.

That's right.

- And they ruin policemen's weekends.
- And they ruin policemen's weekends!

So we've got to stop bickering

and um... get ourselves organised,

and show those people
in the encampment just how we feel.

- Without v*olence.
- Without v*olence.

We'll distribute leaflets, get up a petition

and show how much
we want and need this bypass!

Yeah!

Er... may I just add one thing?

Erm... in the excitement,
I think my wife left out

something else that she wanted to say.

We're very fond of this village
and the people in it,

but we're not locals.

Now, you have our support

and when we're here
we'll give any help we can.

But Jean knows, realistically,
that that's all we can and should do.

It's your village
and your fight, so fight it!

I think that's what you wanted to say,
wasn't it?

- On the whole, yes.
- Mrs Hardcastle's right.

It is our fight and we shouldn't be
looking to others to fight it for us.

- Best of luck with it.
- We'll see you all in the pub tonight.

Thank you very much for coming.

Come on, do as the lady said.
Let's get organised.

What I should do first is I should...

Paper, that's the first thing.
We need paper. Who's got some paper?

Somebody must have some paper!

Have you got a pencil, then?
A pencil with a rubber on it!

- Haven't you got a pencil?
- I can't afford a pencil!

♪ You must remember this

♪ A kiss is still a kiss

♪ A sigh is just a sigh

♪ The fundamental things apply

♪ As time goes by

♪ And when two lovers woo

♪ They still say I love you

♪ On that you can rely

♪ The world will always welcome lovers

♪ As time goes by ♪