07x05 - Too Old... or Too Nosy

[bunniefuu]

♪ You must remember this

♪ A kiss is still a kiss

♪ A sigh is just a sigh

♪ The fundamental things apply

♪ As time goes by ♪

Lionel, please.

Why are you doing this now?

Penny and Stephen are coming
tomorrow, I shall be cooking all morning.

They're not going to be crawling about
looking for bits of fluff, are they?

What bits of fluff? Where?

- I didn't say I could see any.
- Oh, I can, lots.

- Well, you're on your hands and knees!
- Ohh!

I'll say one thing for that machine -
it's wonderfully quiet.

That's your idea of being helpful, is it?

It's broken.

Don't blind me with science.

I don't know anything
about vacuum cleaners.

Nor do I!

- I should just leave it...
- At least have a look at it for me.

No, I mean do something about it!

No, something practical!

I am not unscrewing any panels.
I've tried that before.

All these strange bits
fly out like grapeshot.

There's a manual somewhere.

Some people say
there's a yeti somewhere.

In the cupboard under the stairs.

In a box file labelled "manuals."

- There you are then.
- I was hoping you would find it for me.

It's like a pharaoh's tomb, that cupboard.

Don't be afraid, there's not a curse on it.

All right. But if I'm not back in two days,

send out a search party.

This may sound a very basic question,
but you did switch on at the plug?

- Lionel, please!
- All right, all right.

It's all right, it's working!

I gathered that. How?

It just suddenly started going.

- Just suddenly started going?
- Yes.

- Of its own accord?
- Yes.

Don't sit there,
I'm going to do some hoovering.

I'll be in the kitchen.

You should get a woman in to do that.

I'll be in the kitchen.

- Hello, Lionel.
- Hello, Lionel. What are you doing?

I'm looking at your mother's collection
of manuals for domestic appliances.

Half of them should be in a museum.

- Where have you been?
- Shopping.

I bought a jacket. Do you like it?

Hmm... It's very nice.

And I bought some very sexy underwear.

I don't really think...

You're a man.
Sandy would like your opinion.

- Yes, but I...
- Ta-da!

- Oh.
- I told you he'd be excited.

I'm sick of freezing to death
when I watch Harry play rugby.

As some hearty girl
said to me the other week,

"Hello boys it's not,
but it does keep the chill out."

- "Hello boys"?
- He leads a very sheltered life.

- I was going to make a coffee.
- There's no time.

- There's no point in settling down.
- Why not?

Penny and Stephen are coming
and Mum wants me to clean the floor.

- Oh, yes.
- What, sweeping the chimney?

I've got to tidy my room.

Stephen and Penny
don't go into your room.

I know, I know.

- Come on, come on!
- Where?

I don't know.
Perhaps you could tidy your room.

They don't go in there either!

All right, don't say it.

- I'm going to tidy our room.
- Yes, that's the idea.

- Just suddenly started going, you said?
- Yes.

Make sure you put
your pyjamas under the pillow!

They're not coming till tomorrow.

I don't know why they put
these terrible old films on.

Who do they think watches them?

You just did.

Apart from me, I mean.

No Alistair?

Not unless he's slipped down
the back of the sofa.

For this evening I meant.

He's got to take some very
glamorous novelist out to dinner.

You sound very sanguine about it.

I am. Her husband is her agent
and he's going as well.

Oh. You're not still on those, are you?

Some of these old ones
are quite interesting.

This one was written by James Watt.

There's another one!

We don't have
a toasted-sandwich maker.

We used to. It got all gunged up
and I had to chuck it out.

It wouldn't have got gunged up
if you'd consulted this.

If you're so interested, why don't you
go chuck out the ones we don't need?

I'm not that interested.

That will be Sandy.

You're thinking up a police joke,
aren't you?

- Have I done the pointed helmets one?
- To death.

- Hello, Sandy.
- Hello.

- What, no Harry?
- No. He's on nights this week.

- Was it a good match?
- I don't know really.

- Who were they playing?
- Some seminary.

It must be difficult tearing round
a rugby pitch In those long cassocks.

- So it's vicars jokes now.
- I'm just trying to stay cheerful.

There won't be many laughs
with Penny and Stephen here.

Anyway, how did the thermals go?

Oh, very well.

They are warm,
and they're quite comfortable.

Yes, I suppose they are.

- Mind you.
- Oh, yes...

- What they mean is...
- I know what they mean!

You don't live in a house full of women
without picking up a few pointers.

Anyway, I've worn thermals myself.

- When?
- In Korea.

Not that they were "thermals" then. They
were known as "pants-woollen-long."

I'd love to have seen you in those.

They were warm but,
oh, dear, they did itch.

You didn't tuck your pants-woollen-long
into your socks, did you?

- Certainly not.
- I'm delighted to hear that.

So is it four for dinner?

- I'll cook tonight.
- I won't fight you on that.

Take those thermals off.
It can get very warm in that kitchen.

Oh, erm... The week after next

Harry's asked me to Jersey for a week.

- Oh.
- Well, good.

Yes, good. Lionel?

What?

- Oh, yes, that is good.
- Good.

- Except there's a problem, Judy.
- What sort of problem?

The office. We're really busy
and if I'm away for a week...

- Oh, I can manage.
- Of course we can.

Pardon?

I see no problem at all.
I'll help out for a week.

No hot-water bottle?

No, just the bed socks.

What are you reading?

- Tom Brown's Schooldays.
- Why?

It's another of those books
I think I've read but actually haven't.

I suppose it's better than
the dishwasher manual.

Judy doesn't want me
to help out, does she?

I shouldn't be asked
questions like that in bed.

Where should you be asked
questions like that?

Maybe nowhere at all.

And you reading
Tom Brown's Schooldays.

- Very ironic.
- You've lost me.

Tom Brown was a very helpful boy.

This little weed came to the school,
Little Arthur,

and Tom Brown helped him.

I'm Tom Brown, you're not Little Arthur
and you're certainly not a new boy.

Why "certainly not?"

You're saying that
Judy thinks I'm too old to help.

- No!
- What are you saying?

I haven't come across a little boy
called Little Arthur yet anyway.

Will you just answer the question?

- Assuming you're right.
- Which I am...

Assuming you're right,

look at it from Judy's point of view.

Do you know how she once
described her function

in that agency when you were in charge?

"Knees and dimples."

Not efficient, but a pretty thing who was
sent out to pacify dissatisfied clients.

You make me sound like a monster.

She was in your shadow all the time.
Then you retired...

- Semi.
- Semi-retired,

and she came into her own.

Somewhat against the odds perhaps,
and with Sandy to help, but she did.

The agency is doing very well

and maybe Judy doesn't
want to go back to...

What, the dark days?

Leaning on you.

That's it, is it?

You asked my opinion.

You didn't take back
calling me a monster.

I didn't call you a monster.

- Oh, no, no.
- No...

Well, I think I'll go to sleep now.

- I think I shall too.
- Good night.

Good night.

I suppose a weedy boy with
a name like Little Arthur dies?

- I've forgotten.
- Easy to do.

Easy as forgetting to switch on the
vacuum cleaner at the plug, I suppose.

Ow!

- Four of us will never eat this lot.
- There's Judy and Sandy as well.

When Stephen and Penny come,
they usually leave.

- Not this time.
- Superior fire-power?

Something like that.
I've asked Alistair as well.

He does make some sacrifices
for this family.

That can't be them already.

I can't go. I'm peeling potatoes.

Just don't hang around
too long, that's all.

I'm early, don't say it.

No, it's lovely to see you, Penny.
Where's Stephen?

- I haven't the faintest idea.
- Do you mean he's parking the car?

No, I mean I came by train
and he's coming by car.

- Are we in here?
- Yes.

Lionel won't be long.

- He's peeling potatoes.
- Good for you.

- Why good for me?
- Making him peel potatoes.

He volunteered,
I didn't put him on fatigues.

Very much the new man.
Too early for drinks?

I suppose it is. Would you like a coffee?

- No, I'll have a drink if I may.
- Oh, yes...

- Gin and tonic?
- Fine.

Right.

I know this is a silly question, Penny,

but why is Stephen coming by car
and you coming by train?

I'm not speaking to him.

Oh, I see.

Don't you want to know why?

I don't suppose it's any of my business.

Perhaps you're right.

- Thanks.
- Hello, Penny. How are you?

As well as can be expected.

I hear you peel potatoes.

It wasn't on the news, was it?

- Where's Stephen?
- Stephen's coming by car

- and Penny came by train.
- I see.

- They're not speaking.
- I gathered that.

- Penny doesn't want to talk about it.
- Fair enough.

That might be Stephen.

I don't suppose Stephen
will want to talk about it.

There's no way of ever knowing
what Stephen will talk about.

- UFOs?
- I'm not claiming they were UFOs,

but there were some very bright lights
in the sky.

- Hello, Stephen.
- Hello.

I was just telling Lionel I saw some very
bright lights in the sky on the way up.

- Did you?
- Mm. Hello, Pen, good journey?

Yes, thank you. You?

Yes, very pleasant.

Did you notice any bright lights
in the sky from the train window?

I was reading. I wasn't looking
out of the window at all.

- Ah.
- Do sit down.

Mm. Thank you.

Ah. That will be the others
back from their walk.

Steve and Pen! Great to see you both!

- Pen and Steve!
- Where are the girls?

I left them in the pond in the park!

They're in the kitchen.
They'll be back in a minute.

Why don't you chaps pop over the road
for a swift half while lunch is cooking?

- Why?
- I just thought you'd like to.

Oh, yes, what a good idea.

- Alistair?
- Let's ride.

And don't get drunk. You're a dentist!

- Hello, Uncle Stephen.
- Hello, Stephen.

Hello, you two.
Don't you both look pretty?

The girls look so pretty, Pen!

Perhaps she didn't hear.

- I said, the girls...
- Come on.

- Where're you all going?
- Over the road for a half.

It isn't a demonstration
of boy power. It's Jean's idea.

A tactical manoeuvre.

Are you coming in to say hello
or are you stopping out there all day?

We're just coming, Aunt Penny.

You're not watching the skies, are you?

No. There's a cr*ck in the ceiling.

It's shaped exactly
like a lady with a parasol.

There.

Oh, yes.

Here you go, guys.

- Salut!
- Cheers.

Down the hatch.

- Stephen!
- What? Sorry?

Penny will be telling Jean what's wrong.

The idea may be for you
to tell us what's wrong.

- It's "put-your-heart-on-the-table" time.
- Isn't that "on-your-sleeve"?

No, that's where some people wear it.

I've never heard of a heart
being put on the table before.

It's just a way of saying "open up".

I see.

I wonder where that
expression came from?

I just invented it.

No, "wearing your heart
on your sleeve"...

If you don't want to tell us,
we can talk about something else.

No, I don't mind telling you.

Will it be today?

Oh, yes, sorry.

It's my receptionist, Miss Breeze.

She's leaving to get married.

Herbert somebody...

Wouldn't it be funny
if his name was Block?

She'd be Mrs Breeze-Block!

- Alistair!
- Sorry, Li.

Anyway, his name begins with a W,

I think, or was it V?

So your receptionist is leaving.
Why should you have a row about that?

Because Penny, for reasons
I don't understand, wants to replace her.

I see.

Not with someone else -
that's only common sense.

With herself.

Yes, I said I see.

Is it really such a no-no idea?

So far as I'm concerned,
it's an over-my-dead-body idea.

You both know Pen.

She's a decent sort at heart
but, my God, does she meddle?

She'd be into all my patients' affairs
before you could say "lower bicuspid."

She'd end up asking them about their
private lives while I was filling their teeth!

I see the prob.

You didn't put your objections to Penny
in quite those terms, did you?

Good Lord, no.
I was far more tactful than that.

I just told her she was too old.

Too old! I ask you.

I am in the prime of life
and have all my faculties.

Except for occasional numbness
in the little toe of my left foot.

I get that sometimes.

I'm sorry, but I don't understand why
you wanted the job in the first place.

I didn't, at first.
It was just one of those half-ideas.

But when I was informed
that I was too old...

I'm sure Stephen
didn't put it that bluntly.

He said, "Pen, you're too old."

How blunt does it need to be?

Perhaps this is the time of youth, Penny.

Nobody said that.

Stephen did,
and youth is exactly what he's after.

I know what he's got in mind -
some fluffy young girl

with a silly voice
and a ring through her navel!

Judy and Sandy
have got a secretary - Polly.

She's 21, but she looks about 15 to me.

Has she got a ring through her navel?

- I don't know.
- Of course she hasn't!

I mean, look at you, poor Jean.

What about me?

Since you gave up work,
you're a shadow of your former self.

- She is not!
- I like being here, looking after Lionel.

And I don't miss going in to work.

Well... Perhaps now and again.

- What about the drudgery?
- Drudgery?

- Housework.
- I don't claim to like it

but I don't do enough of it
to call it drudgery.

You could get a woman in for that.

That's what Lionel said.

And that's exactly
what Stephen wants to do -

get a woman in. A young woman.

If you'll excuse me, I'm going to hobble
off now and see how the lunch is going.

- I'll give you a hand.
- So will I.

No, you stay here
and keep Aunt Penny company.

Another drink?

Why not? I'm not driving.

Are we seeing anyone at the moment?

Yes, we are, as a matter of fact.

Is there anything we should know?

There's not a lot to tell really.

He's a 22-stone, all-in-wrestler

and his name is Crusher McGurk.

Aunt Penny always gets to you,
doesn't she?

Not any more. I've got a skin like a
rhinoceros as far as Penny's concerned.

No, you haven't.
She's like a voodoo priestess.

Just take a peek in her handbag

and see if there're any little clay dolls
that look like me.

Mum, when Sandy and Harry
go away for this week in Jersey,

I really would like it if you would come
into the office and give me a hand.

- No, you wouldn't.
- Yes, I would.

- You wouldn't.
- I would.

Wouldn't, wouldn't, and no returns!

I saw the look in your eyes
when you talked about work,

- You went all wistful.
- No, I didn't.

- Yes, you did.
- Don't let's start again.

Don't you see? It's you that Penny's
got to this time, not me.

I was a bit hurt at first
when I knew you weren't so keen...

- There you are!
- But Lionel talked very good sense.

- Changed your mind?
- Yes.

- What did he say?
- He just made very good sense.

Yes, but what did he say?

Why do they always come here to row?
We should call this house the coliseum!

Penny said that he said she was too old.

He did. That was his idea
of letting her down lightly!

Oh, I forgot!

Pen, I've bought you, er...

a packet of peanuts.

I'm overwhelmed.

Oh.

Would anyone else like a nut?

- No, thanks.
- No, thanks.

I'll save them for another time.

Judy and I thought of taking in
a movie after lunch. Anyone else?

No thanks. I'm rather tired
after the train journey.

I don't like going to the cinema
in the afternoon.

My eyes always go funny
when I come out.

- Sandy?
- No, thanks.

I'm seeing Harry for a couple of hours.

Harry?

What will your Mr Crusher McGurk
have to say to that?

- Crusher who?
- McGurk. He's an all-in-wrestler.

I just made him up. It was a little joke.

- I see.
- Jolly good.

He's a great guy, Har... Harry.

He's a policeman.

Why are you just seeing him
for a couple of hours?

He likes to see me when he wakes up.

They're all the same, aren't they? Men!

To have a coffee with him
before he goes on night duty!

I see... Now look, it's none
of my business, but...

We're planning to spend a week in
Jersey if that's what you want to know.

- I'm sure I didn't want...
- Lucky young Harry.

Tell them about the cr*ck
in the pub ceiling, Steve.

- Well...
- Lunch is ready.

We can talk about current affairs,
politics or religion,

but if there's one reference to old age,

I'm going to chuck the lot
out of the window!

But Sandy,
I'm sure I mentioned it.

No wonder policemen
have to write everything down!

- Does it make any difference?
- If you can't see the difference

you're short-sighted
as well as having a faulty memory.

- But Sandy...
- Oh, go and pound your b*at!

I mean, this is slinky
with a capital "slink".

Off one shoulder, you know.

What is?

This dress I saw that
you would look great in.

Oh.

I'm also thinking of enlisting
in the Foreign Legion.

- No, you're not.
- No, I'm not.

I was checking to see if you were paying
me a fraction of the attention I deserve.

I'm sorry, Alistair.

I just can't help thinking about Mum.

No matter what I say,
she's quite convinced

that I don't want her
to help out when Sandy's away.

So you've just got to de-convince her.

I'm trying to.

The trouble is...

I really don't want her to help.

- Thank you for a lovely lunch.
- I'm glad you enjoyed it.

I think the way the potatoes were peeled
made it.

Does it make that much difference?

- No, Stephen.
- A joke! Sorry.

I enjoyed the conversation too. UFOs
are a fascinating subject, aren't they?

I still say you were under the flight path
to Heathrow.

I was, but these lights...

Come along Stephen, do.

- Just a minute.
- What is it?

It's a railway timetable.

I've just got time to catch that one.

- Right, that's it!
- Look, what... What are you doing?

- Don't be silly and get into the car!
- This is monstrous!

Come on, come on!

She can't. The doors are locked.

There's a way around that, Stephen.

Oh, yes.

Now get in!

- I was going to.
- You said you were going by train.

I am, but Stephen's going
to drive me to the station.

It's only civilised.

I suppose you'll meet
her at the other end as well?

Of course.

If you're so civilised,
can't you patch up this quarrel?

You make us sound like a puncture.

There is one thing
I should own up to, Pen.

I was lying when I said you were
too old for the job.

- Do you swear?
- I swear.

I just wanted to spare your feelings
by not telling you the real reason.

Which is?

You're just too nosy.

Goodbye.

I've heard of people hanging themselves.

But Stephen actually
builds his own gallows.

I've done the dishwasher.

You're a good chap.

True.

I fancy a cup of tea.

I'm not that good a chap.
I've just sat down.

We're all right,
it's one of our fit young girls.

- Hello.
- Hello, love. Good film?

It was all right.

We were just thinking
about having a cup of tea.

No, thanks.

Oh.

Mum, I want to talk to you.

- I'll make some tea.
- There's no need.

- It's hardly some intimate secret.
- I'm not to know that.

Well, it isn't.

This business of your coming
to help out in the office...

We talked about this
and came to a decision.

You can manage on your own, and
I don't really want to come in anyway.

- You do.
- I don't.

- You do, and I want you to come in.
- You don't.

- I do!
- You don't...

I must say, it's an exceptionally
high level of debate.

It's not a debate,
and the matter has already been settled.

- It hasn't...
- What about tossing a coin?

Sandy, what's the matter?

- I'm fed up!
- Why?

Harry forgot to tell me what this week
in Jersey really entailed.

What does it entail?

It's not a little trip for the two of us,

it's a club rugby tour!

It's a week.
They won't be playing rugby all the time.

No, the rest of the week
they'll be training for rugby,

talking about rugby,
drinking beer for rugby

and singing silly songs about rugby!

Would you like Lionel
to have a talk to Harry?

No, thanks.

I've already had a talk
to Harry and I'm not going!

See you later.

Oh. Oh...

That really does put an end
to the debate, doesn't it?

I shall never really know how you felt,
shall I?

I told you how I really felt.

I'm going to make a cup of tea.

Poor Sandy.

- He's a nice lad, Harry.
- Yes, he is a nice lad.

They're good fun, rugby tours.

I'm sure they are, but hasn't he got
his priorities mixed up?

Which would you prefer, a week's
holiday with Sandy or a rugby tour?

You're not going to believe me
if I say the rugby tour, are you?

- Not for a minute, no.
- No.

No, I don't want you thinking about it!

I wasn't. Well, I did for a second or two,

- then I thought about something else.
- What?

Well, I'm sorry for Sandy,
but it does take the strain off, doesn't it?

If she'd gone, we'd have had
two weeks of sheer tension

about whether you should go to work,
it'd be like the build-up to the World Cup.

- No it wouldn't.
- Fat chance.

Whatever you think, women are capable
of settling a disagreement reasonably.

Neither of you believed a word
the other one said!

I believed Judy.

You did not.
What about last night in bed?

"She doesn't want
me in the office," you said.

- I came to believe that she really did.
- No, you didn't.

I came to believe she was lying cos she's
kind and that comes to the same thing.

I'll work on that one
when I've got a week or two to spare.

What about vice-versa?

Do you think that
Judy ever believed you?

Lionel, you gave me some
very good advice last night.

Sobering advice, but good.

As a result, I think I put forward
a very convincing argument.

So you actually believed what you said?

Don't be silly.

Of course I didn't.

♪ You must remember this

♪ A kiss is still a kiss

♪ A sigh is just a sigh

♪ The fundamental things apply

♪ As time goes by

♪ And when two lovers woo

♪ They still say I love you

♪ On that you can rely

♪ The world will always welcome lovers

♪ As time goes by ♪