01x01 - Pilot

[bunniefuu]

(Rock Music)

It's Getting Late.

Stop Dancing Around
With That Food

And Start Eating It.

You Said We Could Have
The Radio On.

I Said You Could Listen To It.

I Think We Should Be Allowed
Some Moments Of Happiness.

If You Want To Keep
Dancing Around

Spilling Food And Acting
Like Fools, That's Fine With Me.

When She Says,
"Fine With Me"

It's Not.

Mom, I Wanted My
Eggs Scrambled.

Coming Right Up.

Mom, Scramble My Cereal.

I'm All Scrambled Out.

I Didn't Get Much
Sleep Last Night.

Mom, You Know What You Need--

What We AllCould Use--

A Nice Soothing Dog.

A Real Family Dog
For All Of Us.

We Already Have
A Family Dog-- You.

Theodore, Your Sister
Doesn't Call You Names.

I Just Wanted An Animal

Whose Name Starts
With The Same Letter

As The Grades On
Your Report Card

Which You're
Getting Today.

I'm Assuming It Will Be Better
Than Last Semester's.

Oh, I'm Assuming The Same Thing.

But You Know

Teacher's Grade You
On Some Weird Things.

Like Exams And Papers?

Right.

Hey.

Hey, Dad.

Hi, Daddy.
Hi, Daddy.

Listen, Let's Put On
Some Music Around Here.

(Jazz)

Mr. Mcmannus,
Where Are You Going?

I Need Some Air.

How's That?

Mr. Mcmannus, Your Wife Is
Having A Baby In There.

She Doesn't Want Me There.

She Does Want You There.

But She Yelled At Me.

Women Are Like That.

My Wife, When She Was There
In The Delivery Room

And That Pain Hit

My Wife Stood Up

And Told Everybody
In The Delivery Room

That My Parents
Were Never Married, Okay?

So Don't Worry About It.

But I Forgot
Everything.

I Forgot How To Breathe.

All You Do Is:

I Mean My Own Breathing.

Mr. Mcmannus, Your Wife
Is Going To Have The Baby.

So Don't Worry About It.

There Are Women

Who Are Nine Months Pregnant
Who Are Out Picking Rice.

The Baby Falls Out

And Starts To Pick
Beside The Mother.

I Don't Know Anything
About Rice.

Mr. Mcmannus,
What I'm Trying To Say Is

Your Wife's Going To Deliver
Anyway, Trust Me.

I'm Just Going To Hold The Rope.

All You Have To Do Is Cheer.

Cheer?

Cheer.

Push... Just Push.

Cheer.

Push Him Out,
Shove Him Out, Way Out!

Push Him Out,
Shove Him Out, Way Out!

Push Him Out,
Shove Him Out, Way Out!

Push Him Out,
Shove Him Out

Way Out!

Push Him Out,
Shove Him Out, Way--

Let's Go!

Stop
Touching Me.

Mom...

Teddy's Touching
Rudy Again.

I Wasn't Doing
Anything.

Uh-Huh.

You're In Trouble Already--

Bringing Home That Report Card.

Your Parents Give You Everything
And What Do You Do?

Like I Said...

Don't Answer Me
When I'm Asking You Questions.

Keep Your Mouth Shut.

You Think I'm Talking
Just To Hear Myself?

Answer Me.

Now?

Save The Smart-Mouth Answers
For Your Father.

I'm Finished
With This Entire Matter.

Right, No Problem.

Snitch.

Mom, Teddy's
Throwing Food.

Please Control
Your Children.

You've Fooled Around
Long Enough.

Denise, Clear
This Table.

Theodore, You Go To
Your Room And Wait
For Your Father.

You Two,
Go Upstairs

Get Into
The Shower

Turn On The Water,
Stand Under The Water

Use The Soap, Rinse
And Dry Yourselves

And Go To Sleep.

Stop Touching Me!

I Wasn't Touching You,
Little Girl.

You Was Too
Touching Me!

Don't Start
Touching Me.

Okay, I Won't
Touch You.

I'll Shove You.

New Rule In This House
Starting Now:

Nobody's To Touch Anybody

Anywhere With Anything
For The Rest Of Their Lives.

Cliff...

Why Do We Have Four Children?

Because We Did Not Want Five.

Hello, My Dear.

Right.

Mrs. Mcmannus...

Mrs. Mcmannus Finally Delivered

After Being In Labor
For Hours.

Brought Her Into The Room,
Thought We'd Have Big Trouble...

Popped It Out Just Like Toast.

I Just Had To Sit There In The
Crouch Just Like Johnny Bench.

Who's In Trouble Now?

Theodore.

Good, Because
I Thought It Was Me.

Take A Look At This.

Four D's.

You Better Handle It.

If I Do, He'll Say "No Problem,"
And I'll Have To k*ll Him.

So You Want Me
To k*ll Him For You?

Right.

Can I Have Something To Eat
Before I k*ll Him?

Cliff...

Yeah.

I'll Be Crueler
On An Empty Stomach.

Cliff!

(Knocking)

Theo.

Yo.

Hard To Get
Good Help,
Isn't It?

Son...

Your Mother Asked Me
To Come Up Here

And k*ll You.

Hey, I Know.

You Know What?

What You're Going To Say.

And It's Under Control, So...

No Problem.
No Problem.

How Do You Expect
To Get Into College
With These Grades?

No Problem.
Huh?

I'm Not Going To College.

Damn Right.

I'll Get Through
High School.

And Then Get A Job
Like Regular People.

Regular People?

Yeah, You Know,
Who Work In A Gas Station

Or Drive
A Bus.

So You're Saying

Your Mother And I
Shouldn't Care If You Get D's

Because You Don't Need
Good Grades

To Be Regular People.

Right.

Okay.

Suppose...

You Graduate
From High School.

Let's Say You Just Slide By.

You've Got To
Find A Job.

What Kind Of Salary
Do You Expect

For A Regular Person?

Mmm...
$ A Week.

$ Dollars A Week?

Yeah.
Sit Down.

I'll Give You
$ A Week.

Yes, Indeed.

$ A Week--
$ , A Month.

All Right?

I'll Take It!

Yes, You Will.

And I Will Take
$ For Taxes...

Whoa!

Because The Government

Comes For
The Regular People First.

How Much Does That
Leave You With?

$ .

All Right.

Now You've Got To
Have An Apartment

Because You Are Not
Going To Live Here.

So An Apartment
In Manhattan

Will Run You At Least
$ A Month.

I'll Live In New Jersey.

All Right.

You Live In New Jersey,
You've Got To Have A Car.

I'll Ride A Motorbike.

You Need A Helmet.

Figure $ A Month
For Clothes And Shoes.

Figure $ --
I Want To Look Good.

So What Does That
Leave You With?

$ .

So, No Problem.

There Is A Problem.

You Haven't Eaten Yet.

I Can Get By
On Baloney And Cereal.

So I've Got Everything I Need
Plus $ Left For The Month.

Plan To Have
A Girlfriend?

For Sure.

Regular People.

Vanessa:
Open This Door!

Vanessa.

Denise!

Vanessa!

Vanessa.

Come Here.

Come Here.

Here, Here, Here.

There Is There.

This Is Here--
Come Here.

Denise Pushed Us
Out Of The Bathroom

And The Shampoo
Is In Rudy's Eyes

And Now Rudy Might Be
Blinded For Life.

If She Is,
Can We Get A Dog?

No, But You Can
Walk Your Sister...

Down To My Room.

Get Her Cleaned Up.

Good Ahead, Rudy.

Whoa.

Hey!

Hey.

Where You Going?

I've Got A Date.

Not In Those Pants.

Blood Cannot Get Up
To Your Brain From Your Leg.

And Besides,
This Is A School Night.

It's Friday, Daddy.

Did You Go
To School Today?

Yeah.

So It's A School Night.

Mom Said I Could Go.
Go Ask Her.

Ask Mom?

I Have To
Ask Your Mother?

I Don't Have To
Ask Anybody.

Now Go On In And
Change Your Pants.

Thank You.

Clair!

Clair!

Yes.

Did You Tell Denise
She Could Go Out Tonight?

Yes.

Have You Seen
The Boy?

Yes, I Have.

How Ugly Is He?

Hey!

Hey.

How Are You?

Have A Sit-Down.

Vanessa:
Stop Touching Me!

Theo:
Get Out Of My Room!

Do You Want Me
To Come Up There?

♪ No... ♪

I'm Denise's Father.

Is That Right?

Are You Looking At My Ear?

No, I Was Looking
At The Earring In It.

Yeah, It's
A Real Conversation Piece

For Some
Older People.

I Got It
In The Merchant Marines.

When You Cross The Equator,
They Pierce Your Ear.

When You Cross Back,
Will They Fill It In?

That's Good, Sir.

So When Do You Ship Out Again?

Oh, I'm Not In It Anymore.

No, I'm Back In School.

You're In Denise's Class?

No. Two Years Behind.

And You Don't Mind That?

Hey, After You've Been
In A Turkish Prison

Everything Else
Is Easy.

Denise!

Denise!

(Talking To Herself)

There's Nobody There.

There's...

Denise!

Denise!

Denise!

A New Outfit
For You, Daddy.

Happy?
Happy.

I Don't Know If You Know It

But Your Date
Is Wearing One Earring.

Yeah?

Yeah, Well, He Gave Me
A Perfectly Good Explanation

But If You Want My Opinion

It's Because
He Lost The Other One.

Bye, Daddy.

Denise?

Yeah.

Your Face.

Your Face?
[I]Your[I]Face.

Only Half Of Your Face
Is Made Up.

Will You Be Doing
The Other Side

Or Walking Sideways All Night?

Good Night,
Daddy.

Yes.
Good Night.

You Know That He Spent A Year
In A Turkish Prison.

I'm Supposed To
Do Something Now.

Where...

Dad?

Hey!

All Right.

Dad, I Thought About
What You Said

And I See Your Point.

Thank You.

Thank You.

But I Have A Point, Too.

Make Your Point.

You're A Doctor
And Mom's A Lawyer.

You're Both Successful,
And That's Great.

But Maybe I Was Born
To Be A Regular Person

And Have A Regular Life.

If You Weren't A Doctor,
I Wouldn't Love You Less

Because
You're My Dad.

And So,
Instead Of Acting Disappointed

Because I'm Not Like You

Maybe You Can
Just Accept Who I Am

And Love Me, Anyway...

Because I'm Your Son.

Theo...

That's The Dumbest Thing
I've Ever Heard In My Life!

No Wonder
You Get D's In Everything.

Now, You Are Afraid To Try

Because You're Afraid That
Your Brain Is Going To Explode

And Ooze Out Of Your Ears.

Now I'm Telling You

You Are Going To Try
As Hard As You Can.

And You're Going To Do It
Because I Said So!

I Am Your Father.

I Brought You In This World,
And I'll Take You Out.

Now, Son,
Come Here.

Come [I]Here.

Now Listen To Me.

I Just Want You To Do
The Best You Can.

That's All.

I'll Try, Dad,
I Really Will.

I Love You.

Yeah, Dad.
Huh?

I Know.
Yeah.

And Maybe...

Your Mother Loves You, Too.

([I]Sigh)

I Was Beautiful Once--
Before The Children Came.

I Never Met
A More Beautiful Woman.

Do You Think When They Grow Up
I'll Be Beautiful Again?

You Are Beautiful Now.

I Just Hope
They Get Out Of The House

Before We Die.

Mmm.
Mmm.

Hmm.

Let's Just Remember

This Is How
We Got The Children

In The First Place.

Right.

Oh, Shucks.

([I]Knocking)

Cliff:
Who Is It?

No, No.

When I Say, "Who Is It?"

It Doesn't Mean
For You To Come In.

When I Say, "Who Is It?"

You Say Who It Is.

([I]Knocking)

Who Is It?

Vanessa:
Who It Is!

Come In.

Mom, Dad, We Can't Sleep

Because Rudy Thinks
She Heard The Wolf Man
Growling In Our Closet.

I Told Her
There Wasn't Such A Thing

But She
Doesn't Believe Me.

There's No Wolf Man
Growling In Your Closet.

Uh-Huh.

There Is No Wolf Man
Growling In Your Closet.

Uh-Huh.

Anybody Got Any Other
Bright Ideas?

Maybe You Should
Sleep With Us Tonight.

If You Really
Want Us To.

Oh.

([I]Giggling)

Good Night,
Darling.

Good Night.
Good Night.
Good Night.