09x02 - Wedding Plans

[bunniefuu]

♪ You must remember this

♪A kiss is still a kiss

♪A sigh is just a sigh

♪ The fundamental things apply

♪As time goes by ♪

- Good morning
- Morning, John

I don't see

- Well, you did say you'd look after them
- Did I?

Oh, yes Would you mind?

- We don't want them catching cold
- Of course not

Come in, come in

- Oh, dear
- Where to?

Well Well, in here, I suppose

Where shall we put them? On the floor?

No, have a bit of respect
Let's put them on the sofa

- John, are you positive I said I'd look after them?
- That's what they said down at the charity shop

- "Good old Jean" That's what they said
- Yes, I bet they did

- It won't be for long, will it?
- Just till the refurbishing's finished

You know how strapped for space
we are at the best of times

Had I had a glass of wine
when I made this promise?

- Three
- Oh

Serves me right, then

Look on the bright side,
they don't eat much, do they?

- Ta-ra!
- Bye

You can laugh

I don't have to wear the top hat, do I?
I look particularly silly in a top hat

I find that hard to believe, Li,
but just carry it if you want to

They're not collapsible, are they?

I have this fear of squashing it flat
and then not being able to get it back into shape

- I wouldn't want to let Judy down
- You won't

All you have to do is walk her up the aisle

- Yeah, without tripping up
- Hopefully, yes

Slow and calm, that's the key

Then the vicar says, "Who gives this woman
to be married to this man?"

Or, "Who giveth this woman
to be married to this man?"

Depending on how formal he feels

I take Judy's hand in mine

- Slow and calm
- Slow and calm

We turn to face each other We

We look into each other's eyes and

- Alistair!
- All right, stand back Give him some air

He's alive

- I can see that
- Li!

Yeah, I'm here, Alistair

No! Don't move him till the paramedics get here

- Anybody sent for the paramedics?
- He doesn't need paramedics He just fainted

I'm fine, really, I'm fine

Well, on your head be it
But you'll look silly if it's viral

- Viral?
- Well, it could be

- You're not a doctor
- No, I'm a bus driver

Well, you like to do your bit, don't you?

Well, it's kind of you to try and help,
but I'm quite sure he's okay now

I am, really, I am

Well, I'm not happy about it, but if you say so

Cancel the paramedics Cancel the paramedics!

- Are you sure you're all right, Alistair?
- Honestly, Li, they

They only last for a few seconds

Of course, we can always "They"?
You mean this has happened before?

Only a couple of times

- Well, you should see somebody
- I have Top man

200 guineas just to say hello

- What did he say?
- I hate to admit this

- Panic att*cks
- Panic att*cks?

Yeah, don't tell Judy, will you?

I'd hate her to think that I was panicking
about the wedding

Of course What are you panicking about?

The wedding

Now if you go like that, you'll just stand like that

That's about it Not bad

- Oh, hello
- Sorry, I didn't realise you had company

I'm looking after them for the charity shop

- To chat to?
- No, of course not!

Trying to work out how many people
we can get in here for the reception

You know, floor area

- You did that for our wedding I helped
- You did not, you messed about

You and Judy and Sandy

You kept moving about all the time,
so I estimated wrongly

Got too many people
That won't do for Judy and Alistair

It's got to be perfect

Well, if everybody is coming naked,
that should get things going

You know, for a grown man,
you can be very silly sometimes

- Whereas you as a grown woman
- It's perfectly normal Just looks odd, that's all

- Could you draw a circle round us, please?
- Right

Excuse me

- You had to say that, didn't you?
- Absolutely

Should I ask what happens next?

Well, yes, I cut out the circle,
and then I cut a lot more circles the same size

and I lay them out all over the floor
and see how many guests we can fit in

- Oh, I see
- Now, could you help me lift them, please?

- Lift what?
- Them, them

- Don't say, "Excuse me"
- No

How did you get here, car or train?

I fancy a custard tart Anyone?
Girls, you like custard tarts?

You gnaw on a joke until there's no meat
left on the bone, don't you?

I don't often get a chance like this
I really do fancy a custard tart now

Now just a minute Just a minute
Show me your suit

Oh All right

- Suit
- Oh, very nice

Oh, you'll look very elegant in that And the hat

- Yes, I've got the hat
- Yes, well, show me how it looks on

- Is this something I should be privy to?
- No, I'm just measuring and they're helping

- Oh, I see
- Lionel was about to try his topper on

No, he isn't No, it's bad luck to try it on
before the wedding Everybody knows that

I didn't

He's just being a misery I bet Alistair tried his on

Oh, yes, he couldn't wait
And I have to admit, he looked rather jaunty

Yes, well, he would, wouldn't he?

How is he, by the way?
I mean, "the big M" as he calls it

- How's he bearing up?
- Alistair?

Oh, very well Very calm, very composed
I'll have that custard tart now

Mum, can I?

- Hasn't anyone ever seen one of these before?
- Not around the house, no

- I didn't like to ask
- Honestly, all this fuss

We're decorating the charity shop
and we don't have room to store them

Now stop chattering
I've got a million things to do

Yes, well, before you do, I need to talk to you

- Oh, right
- I'll see you later then

- She went rather quickly
- Did she?

I need to talk to you about the wedding

- Nothing wrong, is there?
- No

Would you mind if we had it at Rocky's?

- Rocky's?
- Yes

I really fancy a country wedding, that's all

And then we could have the reception
at the house afterwards

- That would be perfect, wouldn't it?
- Yes

Of course, we'll have to ask him first

- Yes
- You don't mind, do you, Mum?

Mind? Why should I mind?
It's your wedding, isn't it?

Yes, but you hadn't actually started
planning anything for here, had you?

No, no, no, no

What is all this?

Oh, this? That's just something
Lionel's been doing

Ballroom dancing?

Yes You know, you have pieces of paper
and put them on the floor

in the pattern of the dance steps

They're shaped like feet, not big circles

Well, it was the best I could come up with
on the spur of the moment

- Do you think she believed you?
- Not really, no

- lf you'd just told the truth in the first place
- I didn't want to disappoint her

- Well, you're disappointed
- A little

Well, never mind
I'm sure it'll go with a bang at Rocky's

Provided he says yes

Can you honestly see the ageing king
of the swingers turning down a bash?

No

And look at the plus side
You don't have to get involved in anything

No

All you have to do is turn up in your new hat

New hat? What new hat?

Well, you're bound to want a new hat
for the wedding, aren't you?

- Rock on, I think it's a great idea
- Oh, you're an old sweetie, Rocky

We'll make this the biggest rave-up
since Keith Moon was in his heyday

- A rave-up?
- Rave-up?

Just a figure of speech Now what about fireworks?

- Why don't you sit down, Alistair?
- Top class Lots of rockets

- Fireworks?
- Fireworks?

We want this wedding to be remembered
We want this wedding

- Why don't you sit down?
- Yes

Thank you, Li

Why should you thank Lionel like that
just for suggesting you sit down?

Oh, just natural manners
It comes with the package

Going out of fashion, you know, good manners

Where's that barmy old bat? Mrs Bale!

Look, I'm sorry to be a wet blanket,

but the wedding may have to be
in London after all

- Oh, why?
- Well, you don't live here

- Alistair doesn't live here The church might
- No probs

I've squared it with the local vicar

- How do you square it with a vicar?
- Hey, hey!

The Irish Channel is gusting to force 5

And I resent being called a barmy old bat

- Were you listening at the keyhole?
- Certainly not

I assume you wanted something
Or were you just exercising your vocal cords?

I wanted to tell you
out of the goodness of my heart

that we shall be five for lunch

I know And it will be ready
in six and a half minutes

Oh, Mrs Bale

- About the catering for the reception
- Yes?

If you should need any professional help

Yeah Like, I know this outfit
called Nuptial Nymphs

They're an all-girl catering crew

I may require some assistance
in the serving of the food,

albeit from an all-girl crew,

but the preparation of the food is mine
and mine alone!

With your permission, of course

- Taken as read, Mrs Bale
- Good I'll send in Lol

Look, what I'd do

- is probably nothing
- Oh, don't worry

If that woman had been in North Africa,

she would have fed
the whole of the Eighth Army single-handed

Good morning, everyone

- Hello, Lol
- Come in, Lol

I won't stop, I just want to offer my condolences

Condolences?

Oh, dear, I've got the wrong word, haven't I?

- Felicitations That's what I meant
- Thank you

- Mother will be knitting you a pair of gloves
- Will she?

Oh, bound to
She always knits gloves for the bride

- It's a custom of hers
- Oh How very kind of her

Of course, the whole village is
agog with excitement

They reckon this will be the biggest thing
since the coronation

Well, I wouldn't put it on a par
with the coronation

Well, they do And they won't be told otherwise

Why should they?
This is going to be big with a capital huge!

Now, what else do we need? Music!
We need music

What about the Manic Street Preachers?

- The who?
- No, they've disbanded

- No, not a rock group
- No!

I was always partial
to the Dagenham Girl Pipers

Strong brawny girls, they were

- Alistair
- Yeah Right, right, right

I see where you are coming from on this one
We're into mellow music land

What about the London Symphony Orchestra?

- But would they all fit in the church?
- Are there more than six of them?

An extension! Yes! Oh, no, bad idea

Oh, no, there just isn't time Think, Deacon! Think!

- Will you sit down?
- Yes, yes, sorry

Now, what we really need is a few bottles
of something and a proper planning meeting

Lunch will be served in three minutes

- Right Thank you
- Thank you, Mrs Bale

It's a shame
Madge won't be here for the wedding

Yes Mind you,
she'd have insisted on playing the drums

- Where did Rocky say this dig was, again?
- Egypt

- Shibin El something
- Why didn't he go?

Well, he didn't see any point in old fossils
digging up old fossils

- I suppose that's what we're becoming
- Nonsense

Shall we go for a really long walk?

Or not

Why did you keep telling Alistair to sit down?

Well, he makes me feel dizzy when he flits about
all the time It's like strobe lighting

- He's all right?
- Yes

- Hello, love
- Hello Can I join you?

Of course

Alistair's turning this into a three-ring circus,
isn't he?

Now, don't worry
Lionel's going to have a word with him

Oh, would you, Lionel?

- Well
- You see, when he proposed,

I really did think he'd finally got his feet
back on the ground

Well, one foot, anyway

- Now
- And Rocky's no help

They're a combustible mixture those two,
like salt and petre

Judy, wouldn't this be better coming from you?

It's just that I've expended
so much time and energy trying to get Alistair

to behave roughly like a human being

that now we've got this far,
I don't want to come across as a shrew

- In any case, Lionel has natural authority
- When?

- All sorts of times
- Oh, thanks, Lionel

Thanks, Colin, I owe you one What? A heliport?

Well, no, we don't, but anything's possible
Let me run it through the old brainbox

Yeah, ciao, Colin, bye

Li, what would you say to a marching band?

Shut up and stop marching, probably

Oh?

Look, here, Alistair, this has to be said

You're going completely over the top with all this

- Me?
- Yes

I know it's well-intended,
but have you actually stopped to ask yourself,

"Is this really what Judy wants?"

- Yeah, but I'm doing it for Judy
- But is it what she really wants?

You mean, she doesn't? You do mean she doesn't

A quiet country wedding, that's what she wants

- Not even the string section of the LSO?
- Not even the triangle player

Well, then that's what she gets

All I want is for her to want for nothing
that she really wants

- I get a bit carried away, don't I?
- Just by a mile or two

Thanks, mate

Could be a plus side to this, you know
Your panic att*cks

- What about them?
- Well, you get them

You get them when you think of the wedding,
don't you?

- Yeah, I mean, me
- And the more excited you get,

the more likely they become

- Yeah, I mean, me
- So, the simpler the whole thing is,

- the less anxious you become
- Me

- I mean, me
- Look, will you stop saying that?

- Sorry, sorry
- So, a little country church,

local flowers, no LSO
and a congregation of less than 5,000

What could be less stressful than that?

You're right I feel calm just talking about it

Tranquil, that's the word Beautiful

You walk Judy up the aisle

I turn and there she is, looking like a dream

I take her hand in mine and

Oh, God!

Well, I think they'll be back soon,
but I'm not sure

- You should have phoned
- You've heard of phone tapping?

- Of course I've heard of it
- There you are, then

- Stephen?
- Yes?

- What are you doing?
- Just sitting here

- With your arms?
- Oh, that?

Reliving those halcyon days at university

- Arms round a couple of pretty girls
- I always suspected a darker side to your nature

Were there many pretty girls
at university, Stephen?

Oh, tons Not as pretty as you, my dear

Stephen!

- I daresay you were a bit of a rascal at university
- I had my moments

Mind you, in those days,
if you got as far as putting your hand on a girl's

Stephen!

Look, do those things have to be
in the room with us?

Well, they're either in here or in the kitchen, so

- I'll carry them through for you if you like
- Just leave them alone

- And what about you?
- I don't want to be carried into the kitchen

If you ever did

I meant marriage

- Any distant peals?
- Not really, no

No, what about
that traffic warden you were seeing?

- Larry?
- Harry, and he's a policeman

- Well, what about him?
- He's going to Canada

- What on earth for?
- His job

He's going on attachment
to the Royal Canadian Mounted Police

- Hmm But you're not going with him?
- No

- Did he ask?
- No

Poor little Sandy

- Not that I'd go with him if he did
- No, no, no, of course not

Nelson Eddy and Jeanette McDonald

- What about them?
- They were in a film about the Mounties

Desert Song.

No, that can't be right

Look, can't you stick to the subject
for more than 10 seconds?

- Rose-Marie.
- One of your floozies from university, I suppose

The name of the film about the Mounties

Well, if you want my opinion, this Harry,
he wants his brains tested

- Thank you, Stephen
- Poor little Sandy

Now, look, Penny

They're back

- Oh, what a lovely surprise
- Why, what's happened?

- Well, you turning up, I mean
- Oh Right

- Hello, Lionel
- Hello, Stephen Hello, Penny

Poor Jean, I only wish we had happier tidings

- Oh?
- Well, you see,

Stephen and I might not be able to come
to the wedding

Oh, that is sad

I had to tell you personally

It's our social calendar, you see
It has to be very flexible at the moment

- Well, one never knows, does one?
- Doesn't one?

I certainly don't

- The fact is, I've been put up for an OBE
- Oh, you fool

- It's supposed to be kept a secret
- Well, we are family

- Yes, but the fact remains that if this leaks out
- Oh, just a minute, just a minute

- Stephen, did you say the OBE?
- Yes

- Why?
- Services to dentistry, apparently

All thoseteeth

- Well, that's wonderful
- Yes, congratulations, Stephen

You clever old dentist

- Why all the secrecy, anyway?
- Because Downing Street Forget I said that

Because a certain source insisted
on the strictest confidence

- Well, we shan't say a word Girl Guide's honour
- Scout's honour

- Brownie's honour
- Oh, that'll have to do then

- I was in the Boys' Brigade
- Oh

- Really? Were you in the band?
- Yeah Well, sort of

I never could get a note out of my bugle,
so I used to trail along at the back and mime

You've done it again

- We've lost the thrust of the conversation
- Well, what thrust?

The reason why Stephen and I may not be able
to come to the wedding

- Oh, his prize-giving is the same day?
- No, the week before

- Oh, you've lost me
- Well, isn't it obvious?

Following the investiture, as we call it,
how can we be sure

that certain invitations to certain functions
might not be forthcoming?

Old Pen's got it firmly in her head that
we're going to become regulars at Buck House

Will you need a tiara?

It's typical male foolishness

Now, could we now possibly
sit down to tea comfortably

and get those horrid things out of the way?

- Oh, sorry, yes, of course Lionel, do you mind?
- Yes, of course

- Give us a hand, Stephen
- All right

I haven't swept a girl off her feet in years

That's something else about men
Is there one of them that isn't a latent pervert?

- Pity Stephen and Penny couldn't stay for supper
- Yes, I was very let down about that as well

- I wanted to ask you about Alistair
- Oh?

Well, when we were at Rocky's,
you seemed very solicitous about him

- There's nothing wrong, is there?
- Well, perhaps just a touch of pre-wedding jitters

Alistair?

Well, it's taken him so long to make
the commitment, it must be a bit awe-inspiring

Yes, I suppose so

- We don't want him passing out at the altar
- No

- Mum, could I talk to you?
- Yes, of course

- I think I fancy a Scotch
- Could you sit down a minute?

Oh, right

- It's about the wedding
- What about the wedding?

- What about the wedding?
- No, everything's fine

- Yes
- Except

- Yes, I knew there'd be an except
- Except, I still want it to be in the country,

but will you help me organise it?

- Me?
- Yeah

I mean, I know that Lionel has talked Alistair
out of his wilder flights of fancy,

but there's still Rocky I really don't want it
turned into some sort of jamboree

No, of course not Well, yes, I'll help,
but I haven't really thought very much about it

- You two look very gooey
- Yes, well, you better get used to it

- You ready?
- Yep

Why isn't Alistair going with you?

Oh, he's got an appointment
with some consultant in Harley Street

Consultant? I said there was something wrong
and you denied it

No, there's nothing to worry about
He said it's just something wrong with his toe

Ah Well, there you are, then

- Come on
- See you later

Yeah, Sandy, before you go
Were there any phone calls while we were out?

- Harry, you mean?
- No, not specifically

No No phone calls

- Bye
- Bye

- "Not specifically"
- Look, if this is gonna be a lecture

about minding my own business and not wanting
everything to turn out right for everybody,

you can forget it

I don't mind my own business and I do want
everything to turn out right for everybody

And that's honest,
which is more than you were about Alistair

- What do you mean?
- Well, you did know something was wrong

You knew about his toe all the time

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- You know it's rude to write at the table?
- Look, I'm just making a guest list

- You will be consulting Judy and Alistair?
- A provisional list

Who's that one?

Well, if you must know, it's Harry

- Now, there's a coincidence
- What is?

Well, Sandy will be at the wedding, too

Your sarcasm has all the subtlety
of a sledgehammer

- Would you mind getting that?
- Yes

Why people assume that other people
never sit down to a meal, I'll never know

I'm not interrupting anything, am I?
A meal or something?

No, who eats at this time, anyway?

I just wanted to bring you up to speed on things

You see, you're not just
a future pop-in-law to me, you're

- You're more like a real pop
- Thank you

So, what did your man in Harley Street say?

- They were panic att*cks, all right
- We knew that

Anyway, he gave me a jab
and some follow-up pills to calm me down

- Good
- But there might be side effects

Ah, they always say that to cover themselves

I had some sea-sickness pills once

and one of the side effects on the list was nausea

- But I am getting side effects
- It isn't fainting, is it?

No, it's more of an emotional thing, it's weird

I mean, I heard this busker guy playing a tune,
I didn't even know the tune,

but it was sad and before I knew where I was,
Li, I was blubbing

- Coincidence
- Is it?

- Well, tell me Tell me!
- Well, I don't know

Perhaps it was a tune
you remembered from childhood

A tune that you'd consciously forgotten
but subconsciously remembered

- Have you ever considered counselling?
- Only having it

Because that's brilliant
That's what it must have been

- Yes
- Yes

- No
- No?

No

- Because then, I saw a puppy
- Oh, dear

It was just a little puppy
walking along on its little lead

But then, it looked up at me and

Life's never a straightforward thing, is it?

Hey, just a minute

- People cry at weddings anyway
- But not usually the bridegroom

No Oh

Perhaps I should come off the stuff

- And settle for the fainting
- It's a close call, isn't it?

- Oh, Alistair
- Oh

Sorry, I was finishing supper

- And you lied to me just to make me feel better
- No, I'd practically finished, anyway

Just to make me feel better

Alistair, it's not bad news about your toe, is it?

Toe?

Yes, you were going to see somebody
about your toe

Oh, that!

- No, no, that's fine No probs there at all
- Oh, good

- What was wrong then?
- Oh, it was just a toe thing

- The sort of thing that can happen to a toe
- Quite common, apparently

- Very common
- Well, don't blind me with science,

I was just concerned, that's all

You people really care, don't you?

You really care!

- No!
- Lionel!

Well, I mean, we do But it's just a toe thing

I mean, it doesn't rate highly
on the caring side of things, does it?

No You're quite right, Li, it doesn't

- I've just been making a guest list for you
- For me?

- Yes, all right, Alistair
- My special lady

- You're making a guest list
- It's only a provisional one

- Yes, but you're making it
- Yes, but

I mean, do I deserve it?

Do I deserve to be so happy?

♪ You must remember this

♪A kiss is still a kiss

♪A sigh is just a sigh

♪ The fundamental things apply

♪As time goes by

♪And when two lovers woo

♪ They still say, "I love you"

♪ On that you can rely

♪ The world will always welcome lovers

♪As time goes by ♪