02x16 - The Wonderful w*r

[bunniefuu]

When oil,
the liquid gold of the Middle East,

is discovered in an underdeveloped
Arab state, two things can happen.

Either a bleak desert is transformed
into an air-conditioned oasis,

with schools, hospitals and roads,

or the Arab ruler will trade in his
ageing camel for a dozen limousines

and let his subjects fend for themselves.

As an heiress, I didn't expect
to have to make my own coffee!

You're not an heiress. Not yet.

Oh, Simon, don't be so sceptical.

You're bubbling with news about your
father striking it rich in Sayeda.

I'm delighted. But I am telling you,
Harry Shannet is a crook.

He's been involved in shady deals
from Malaya to Chile.

Dad couldn't get mixed up
with anyone dishonest.

- That wonderful female logic.
- You're suspicious of everyone.

- You know your problem?
- No. Tell me.

You can't forgot for one single second

that you're the all-powerful, all-knowing,
all-seeing Simon Templar.

(Muslim Call to Prayer)

Show me, Mr McAndrew,
show me on the map.

Your Highness, we've made our oil strike
here near the Wadi Belayah.

We dug five wells and sealed them.
We're drilling seven more here.

Why only seven more
and why seal the other five?

Prince Karim, we haven't enough
storage tanks for the oil yet.

No, we just strike and seal,
strike and seal.

Later we'll build the tanks and
the pipelines and a harbour for the ships.

Would it not be cheaper to pipe the oil
direct to my neighbour, Kuwait?

Oh, aye, it would be cheaper
and maybe better at first,

but to give employment
to your people...

This oil development could change
the lives of everyone in Sayeda.

It'd mean electric light, water,
schools, maybe even a university.

What is needed to do all this
for our people?

- Why, money, Father.
- Exactly.

Now, if Imam saves money,

he can use it to do
some of the things you spoke of.

Schools, hospitals, yes...but I do
not want my country to be overrun.

Or my subjects to be buried beneath
the decay of your civilisation.

My people are my children. Children do
not always know what is best for them.

But Mr McAndrew is an expert.

I know you have the best interests
of my country at heart.

Do not think that I'm unappreciative.

I realise that your discovery of oil
has assured the future of Sayeda.

k*ll him! And the prince! Fire!

After him! k*ll him!

Enough! Stop!

- He has been wounded.
- Find him and k*ll him.

You promised there'd be no k*lling!

I want this finished...Major Hussein.

- But...
- Find him and sh**t him immediately.

- Yes, Excellency.
- Hurry up.

Well, he's dead.

- Was that not the plan, Mr Shannet?
- So's McAndrew.

And that, Prime Minister,
would seem to be that.

Except for Prince Karim.

- They will find him.
- They had better.

The only thing that'll stabilise
a new regime is Karim's body.

Search over there. Come, follow me.

(Dog barking)

Wait.

All right.

(Knocking)

What are you waiting for?
The millennium?

- Hello, Ahmed.
- Good evening, Mr Kelly.

Did you get Mr McAndrew
to sign those forms?

- No, sir.
- Why not?

Mr McAndrew...
he being very much dead, sir.

- Why did you say?
- Mr Shannet is signing the forms.

Mr Abdul Aziz, the new Prime Minister,

will sign them for the government
of the revolution.

- Revolution?
- Yes, sir.

- What happened to Mr McAndrew?
- An accident, sir.

He stepped in the way of a b*llet.
Mr Shannet is telling me all.

Mr Shannet is very grieved.

- Very...very grieved, sir.
- I bet he is(!)

May I go? I have the drilling heads
for number nine.

Yes, go on, they're waiting for them.

Oh, Ahmed! Just a minute.

Ahmed...what really happened?

Like I say, sir, a most...sad accident, sir.

Yeah, most sad.

Take that down to the rig.

Johnny McAndrew.

- Most sad.
- (Oil drum clanging)

- Mr Kelly...
- Prince Karim!

(Karim mumbles)

And so I fled to you, Mr Kelly.

I know Mr McAndrew trusted you
and so did my father.

You did quite right, boy,
you did quite right.

- Now, how's that?
- That is better. Thank you.

You look washed out as a raw potato.

I am strong. And I shall fight!
Aziz and his followers will pay for this.

I shall hang them
and let the vultures tear their flesh!

- Save your strength, boy.
- I am not a boy.

I am His Highness,
the Imam Karim ben Sayeda.

That indeed you are.

And in a heap of trouble too.

There's one place you'll be safe. Kuwait.

- If I'm in Kuwait, what can I do?!
- I have a friend there.

Mrs McAlister - a grand woman
even if she is a Scot!

- You'll be safe in her villa.
- I do not like to run and hide.

Maybe you'd rather stay here and die?

You must live - live to fight
again and avenge your father.

Are you game
to cross the border with me?

Mr Kelly, I trust you.

Good. Now, lie down and rest.

I'll fix the truck.

- Well?
- Nothing.

He was seen once, but he got away.
We have searched every corner. Nothing.

- He has left the town.
- How?

On foot, on horse, camel even.

He will try to get to Kuwait.
Tell the frontier post to keep a watch.

When you've warned the frontier,
go there.

If you see him, do the job personally.

- k*ll him yourself, understand?
- Yes, Excellency.

When we stop at the frontier post,
not a sound out of you.

They'll be skinning their eyes
like jackals for a dead sheep.

So not a sound out of you at all.

Even if you have to stop breathing
for a while!

- Are you ready now?
- I'm all right, thank you, yes.

"Our Kuwait correspondent states
that the Imam was assassinated

"late this afternoon.

"Rumoured to have d*ed with him...

"is the Scottish oil expert
John McAndrew."

I had a letter from him a week ago,
full of excitement about the field.

Simon, it can't be true!

Lilla, things happen fast in
Arab countries. They change overnight.

But it says "rumoured".
It doesn't say it actually happened.

I can understand a head of state
being k*lled but my father? Why?

- Who would do this?
- I don't know.

- For what reason?
- The oil strikes made him a millionaire.

Lilla, if this is true,
my guess is Shannet's behind it.

I've got to find out the truth.
I can't sit here and wait. Help me.

What can I do?

The only way to be sure if he's alive
or not is to fly to Sayeda ourselves.

How do you know he has not gone
through to Kuwait, you fools?!

That camel train! You have searched it?

No! Then search it now, you dogs!

Hang on to your hat
and keep your mouth shut!

I can see them now.

Excellency!

- Hello there, Captain Hussein.
- Major Hussein.

Ah, to be sure, to be sure,
these revolutions.

They're to be counted upon
for quick promotion.

Your papers, Mr Kelly.
We are not here for humour.

So I gather.

You have heard the news?

Yes. Ahmed told me.

Just why are you going to Kuwait for
stores at two o'clock in the morning?

- Because it's cooler.
- Open the back of the truck.

Sure, sure, sure.

- What is in here?
- Just stuff for repair at Kuwait.

We don't have a forge
in Wadi Bellaza, you know.

Don't be busting it,
making it worse than it is already.

I am glad that you are only carrying
materials for repair, Mr Kelly.

Very glad.

Open the barriers!

- You may proceed, Mr Kelly.
- Thank you, Major Hussein. Thank you.

- Miss Lilla.
- Mr Kelly.

Am I looking through the back
of my head or is it yourself?

Sure, and it is myself, Mike!

- Why didn't you say he was coming?
- He wouldn't let me.

I haven't seen a hair of you
since Venezuela in ' .

- How are you, Mike?
- Ah, in trouble, son. But later.

Miss Lilla, I'm terribly sorry
about your dear father.

He was one of my oldest
and closest friends.

- Thank you, Mr Kelly.
- Now, come and meet our hostess.

Mrs McAlister, Miss McAndrew.

Miss McAndrew, my deepest sympathy.
I did like your father.

Thank you.

And now, the only non-Irishman with
more brains than me. Simon Templar.

Simon, meet my good friend
Mrs McAlister.

- How do you do?
- How do you do?

- I didn't know Mike had any friends!
- Will you listen to him?!

I'm listening and maybe he's not
so far wrong. Come inside, all of you.

Make yourself at home. Cup of tea?

- I'd love one.
- We got a broad picture from London.

What's the real gen?

In a nutshell, Shannet and Aziz
are all set to milk Sayeda dry.

If he did not cross the border,
where is he?

We searched everywhere!

- You have a man in Kuwait watching?
- Er, no, Excellency.

Fool! Does nobody understand
the importance of what is happening?

- I will select a man.
- I will do it myself.

I warn you,
Prince Karim has many friends.

- He could recruit followers.
- Yes.

Seven foreign oil companies
have made bids for these concessions!

We are sitting on a fortune!

The operation is being jeopardised
by the life of a -year-old boy!

Miss McAndrew,
I was there four days ago...

when the assassins burst into the room.

They sh*t the Imam instantly.

It was only your father's presence of
mind that stopped them sh**ting me.

He saved my life and I owe him much.
He was a great man.

- Thank you.
- This I promise you.

Our fathers' deaths shall be avenged.
I shall fight and I shall raise an army!

Have a nice wee cup of tea first.

You may go now, Habib.

Habib's only been here three weeks.
Don't say too much in front of him.

- You think he's unreliable?
- They all are!

There's not a secret in Kuwait
that can't be bought for a silver coin.

Your Highness,
how do you propose to raise an army?

And the cash to buy g*ns.

I will go to a bank.

- There might be an easier way.
- What do you mean?

Well, suppose Aziz and Shannet
"thought" we had an army.

That wins wars, Mr Templar?

Sometimes fear
can be just as powerful as g*ns.

Simon, if you have a real plan,
please let's hear it.

With the death of the Imam,

every oil company will bid
for the Sayeda concessions.

- Right?
- They'll have had several already.

Once they're sold,
we might as well go home.

So we initiate delaying tactics.

Keep Shannet and Aziz
from making a deal?

We'll offer them so much money,
they'll be dazzled.

I'll set myself up as an oil magnate,
keep them on a string,

and operate as
our mythical army's fifth column.

Mrs McAlister, fetch a pencil and paper.
We must send off a wire.

Now, let's see, I must give myself
a name that's really impressive.

How about J Pierpoint Sykes?

- Mohammed...
- Yes, Habib?

- The man from Sayeda, where is he?
- There.

You are the one from Sayeda?

What Of it?

I hear you look for a boy,
a boy of some importance.

I also hear you are willing to pay.
How much?

This boy of some importance,
you know where he is?

I do. How much are you willing to pay?

- How do you know he's the right one?
- I can show him to you. You can judge.

- I'll pay you £ English.
- Ten.

Ten. Take me to the place
where he is at once.

Is that not the boy of some importance?

That is him.

Remember, stay inside.

If you see any suspicious characters,
phone Simon or me at the hotel.

Gentlemen, do not worry, I have no fear.

That's exactly what DOES worry us.
You'd better hold on to this.

Thank you, Mr Templar.
Thank you, my friends.

(Muslim Call to Prayer)

(Footsteps)

Karim...l saw Habib unlock the main gate.
Something's wrong, I know it!

- The g*n, it's gone!
- What shall we do?

Come on!

Phone Mr Templar. Quickly!

Hello. Mr Templar's room. Hurry!

(Ringing)

Hello?

We'll be over in two minutes.

Psst!

The boy, he's in there.

No. To sh**t would bring the police.
This must be clone silently. Go.

Open it.

- What's happened?
- Habib unlocked the gate!

You son of a...!

All right?

Prince Karim, we'll have to move
faster than I thought.

I have decided.
I will not hide like a jackal.

- I will go back to my people.
- That's nonsense!

It is not nonsense, it is an order.

Mike, it's not such a bad idea at that.

He certainly can't stay here so why
not take him back to the oilfield?

- Put him to work on a drilling rig.
- You know, it might work at that.

Ask your pal at the radio station
for some equipment.

Now, just what are you up to?

Have a helicopter standing by for me
at the airport at nine this morning.

I have a right to know
what you are planning.

Very shortly, you,
in the name of your people,

are going to declare w*r
on the rebel government of Sayeda.

- The visitors grow impatient.
- I told you, let them wait.

These people are important
oil executives. Is it wise?

They're dying to give us money.

Millions of pounds, dollars, lire,
pesetas, roubles.

- You name it.
- Exactly. How long will they wait?

- As long as we want.
- They want to do business.

- So does Sykes.
- Sykes!

All we have heard of Pierpoint Sykes
is a telegram!

And our best offer. Five million
in cash and % of net profits.

Then why is he not here, this Mr Sykes?

Tell them we'll see no one
until tomorrow.

Yes, sir. Thank you, sir.

Abdul, you worry too much.

We're in the driver's seat
in a seller's market.

Not until Prince Karim is dead.

Raschid has dealt with him by now.

As far as our visitors are concerned,
Karim is dead and buried.

- (Helicopter flying overhead)
- What's that?

- Who could it be?
- I have no idea.

His Excellency and Mr Shannet
present their compliments

but regret it will be possible for
no one to see them until tomorrow.

(All protesting)

Three days! Three days I've been waiting!

Abdul, try not to be too anxious.

Mr Shannet, I am the Prime Minister.
Remember that.

Mr J Pierpoint Sykes.

Mr Sykes, a great pleasure,
a very great pleasure.

- Prime Minister and...
- I'm Harry Shannet.

Ah, Mr Shannet,
the discoverer of the field.

- We were wondering if you'd ever arrive.
- Why? Have I kept you waiting?

No, of course not, Mr Sykes.

Pierpoint Sykes.

So this is Sayeda, eh?

They always manage to discover oil
in uncomfortable places

and, as I dislike discomfort,
shall we get down to business?

By all means. Please.

I prefer to stand. You received my offer?

- Yes, yes.
- And?

There are nine territories
for concession.

- So I believe. Well?
- And the new oilfield.

The new field is a separate matter.
My offer covers only the concessions.

Only the concessions?

- You do read English?
- Oh, yes, of course.

The new field will be subject
to a separate offer after inspection.

- Oh, yes, indeed.
- You agree with the terms offered?

Well, there are one or two details we
ought to discuss, Mr Pierpoint Sykes.

Mr Shannet, I'm a busy man.

In four days, I shall be in Venezuela
and in seven in Australia. Yes or no?

Yes.

Good. Have the contracts drawn up for
my perusal together with area maps.

In the meantime,
I'll fly out to inspect the field.

- I shall be happy to come with you.
- I'm sure.

- I prefer to go alone. Good morning.
- Er, Mr Sykes...

Well?

Perhaps you will dine with me
this evening.

- Perhaps.
- We shall be honoured.

- Yes, I'm sure.
- Will nine o'clock be convenient?

Nine o'clock's as good a time as any.
Morning, gentlemen.

Mr Kelly!

- Where's the prince?
- Inside.

- Did you succeed, Mr Templar?
- I was fantastic.

Tell us about it before I burst!

I was arrogant and they loved it.

- I'm dining at the palace.
- You got the concessions?

I have the oil resources of Sayeda
in my pocket for the next hours.

- You got away with it!
- I see you got the equipment.

Yeah. Two more loudspeakers
coming this afternoon.

Karim and I will set things up
near the frontier after dark.

Whoever heard of an army
with no men and no g*ns?

Can we capture the frontier post
with a pretend army?

We're going to capture
the entire country!

(Middle Eastern music playing)

For our guest of honour,
the eyeball of the sheep.

Charming.

Delicious.

- What do you think of the field?
- Not bad.

Are you prepared...

Very good lamb.

Well, say three million in cash plus
% of the profits at crude prices.

Er...crude prices?

The prices paid for crude oil - unrefined.
It's a normal basis.

Mr Shannet, my company does
not deal in abnormal basis.

Yes, of course. Then the oilfield and
concessions would amount to some...

£ million.

Plus % of the profits.

- Should we accept, Mr Shannet?
- It sounds fair to me.

- When can we expect a cash deposit?
- I beg your pardon?

That is a question we need hardly ask.

Oh, yes, yes, of course.

There is one major question in my mind.

What guarantee are you able to give me

that your government
can and will remain in power?

- You doubt us?
- Very much so.

In Kuwait, I heard that
the imam's son had escaped.

He plans to regain power. To further
these ends, he has raised an army.

- Raised an army?
- That's how the rumour goes.

(Shannet) That's utter nonsense!

There will be no difficulties
in that respect, I can assure you.

Your personal assurances...
are not enough, gentlemen.

How can you be absolutely positive

that the Imam, with his army,

will not att*ck this very night?

Good boy.

One last check before we declare
w*r on these murdering hoards.

- Speaker A.
- In position.

- Good. B and C?
- In position.

- The fireworks?
- Ready.

Right.

All is quiet.

As of now, we are at w*r with Sayeda.

(Recorded machine-g*n fire)

(g*nf*re continues over speakers)

(Panicked shouting)

(Rapid g*nf*re)

sh**t!

(a*tillery)

(Panicked shouting)

(Rapid g*nf*re and explosions)

(g*nf*re continues)

(g*nf*re and explosions)

(Recorded g*nf*re)

Prime Minister Aziz at the palace!
Emergency!

The frontier post is being att*cked
by an army!

You're drunk! It's impossible!

Thousands and thousands of them...

Men of Sayeda,
this is your Imam speaking.

'This is your Imam speaking.'

Impossible!

'We have a big army with many men
and big g*ns.'

We do not wish you to die.
Surrender your arms.

- 'Surrender your arms.'
- Do not surrender! I forbid it!

The line's gone dead. Hello, hello?

I can't believe it.

You heard the g*ns,
the r*fle and the a*tillery.

- They have surrendered.
- (Simon) Ahem!

Bad news, Mr Prime Minister?

Only a little incident at the frontier post.

A small insurrection.

Which my troops will put down instantly.

Yes, well,
I hope for your sake you're right.

I couldn't possibly invest
£ million in Sayeda oil

if I weren't convinced
of the stability of the government.

All that stands between us
and a fortune is a boy!

We are at a standstill
in our negotiations!

One thing about this
makes me suspicious.

- Where would Karim raise an army?
- Where is not important.

He has one. You heard so yourself. We
must convince Sykes it means nothing!

That won't be easy.

- Excellency.
- Well?

There is a rabble-rouser
shouting to the people of treason!

This is the beginning of great days
for Sayeda!

The land is rich with oil

for which the West will pay
many millions!

And your real Imam, Prince Karim,

will use this wealth justly!

Not for himself but for his people -
you, his children.

But first, you must rise against
your oppressor Aziz!

Let the worms devour him!

sh**t him!

(All talking at once)

We've thrown the palace
into confusion.

Spread the word Karim has an army
and will liberate his country.

Search all the streets!

You're all fools!

- How about Mrs McAlister?
- Safely back in Kuwait.

But hurry, out the back way.
They'll search every house in the street.

- How can he vanish into thin air?
- We will find him.

For your sake, Major Hussein, I hope so.

- What's he doing here?
- I do not know.

- Call off your search.
- Sir.

Ah, Mr Shannet. Trouble?

Oh, not at all. A notorious thief
has been robbing the villagers.

Yes, but surely you,
as Treasurer of Sayeda,

have more important things to do
than chase robbers.

Oh, I make everything in Sayeda
my affair, Mr Pierpoint Sykes.

The villagers are as close to me
as my own people.

How idealistic of you.

I was on my way to the palace
with the hope,

which grows fainter with every minute
I spend in this...wretched country,

that we might conclude our business.

Oh, yes, of course.

You'll be pleased to know the incident
at the frontier has been resolved.

- The insurgents have been punished.
- Have they indeed?

They've gone. Now, Karim, my boy,
you and I have work to do.

We can't leave Miss McAndrew
unprotected.

- I'll be all right.
- I think you will.

Now, don't let anybody in
through that door. Nobody! Come on.

It was Habib, the servant to McAlister,
who told me of the boy.

That night, I went to the villa to k*ll him.

- And failed.
- Many people were in the house.

Twenty soldiers on guard...
and the Irishman from the oilfield.

- You mean Kelly?
- And the daughter of the McAndrew.

- Lilla McAndrew in Kuwait?
- Yes, Excellency.

And there was also another man,

a man who fights like the devil incarnate.

Ali was k*lled. As I say,
we were vastly outnumbered.

I fought with magnificent bravery
but it was no use.

My dear Mr Pierpoint Sykes,
what a great pleasure to see you.

I'm not here for pleasure,
I'm here for business.

I must say, I'm highly disturbed about
the state of unrest in this country.

- You may go now, Raschid.
- Excellency, it is him!

- What are you talking about?
- He who fights like ten men.

He was in Mrs McAlister's house
with Karim.

- Is this man drunk?
- I swear it! I know it!

I saw him with my own eyes.

Well, if you're not going to remove
this idiot, I shall remove myself.

- Just a moment.
- Are you pointing that thing at me?

Abdul, call the guards!

- I'm sure of it!
- The guards!

Guards! Guards! Guards!

Prince Karim may be nearer to us
than we think.

(Snoring)

Hey, effendi!

Guard!

I die of thirst, I want water.

Then die, mongrel dog!
You disturb my meditation and rest.

I'll pay you English money.
£ for a cup of water.

You have no money. I searched.

Do you want to bet?

- Throw the money through the bars.
- The water first.

Money first.

Well?

- Now, open it! Open it!
- Excellency...

He's all yours, gentlemen.

My father believed in you!
He trusted you!

- A great mistake.
- And in return you k*lled him.

Perhaps you didn't fire the g*n
but you m*rder*d him!

We're wasting time.
Where is Prince Karim?

- I don't know.
- In Sayeda?

I don't know! If I did, I wouldn't tell you!

You're not in London now. Life is cheap
here and death is taken for granted.

- Where is Prince Karim?
- I don't know!

Take her to the palace.

You're to guard this place personally.

If Prince Karim comes here,
he's to be sh*t!

Cable the representatives
of all the oil companies.

Tell them the concessions are open
to bids. We await their representatives.

Get that cable off.
You have the addresses?

- Yes, Excellency. Is that all?
- Yes, yes.

May Allah rid me of this dangerous boy.

One sound and you're dead,
you understand?

- Who are you?
- A man who wants your resignation.

- Resignation?
- Yes.

You have an army of
badly-trained troops behind you

but the army should be the servant
of the state, not of one man.

I represent the people of Sayeda.

I don't think they'd weep to see you go.

Now, start writing.

"People of Sayeda...

"I am resigning as your Prime Minister..."

(Door opens)

Well, Mr Pierpoint Sykes.

He threatened me!

Drop it, Mr Sykes,
or whatever your name is.

- Imam.
- My loyal Hussein.

You deserve your promotion, Major,
even if it came from Aziz!

Thank you for letting me
across the border.

Get out of the country. Your friend
is captured - the man called Sykes.

- The devil, you say?
- And the girl. They are prisoners.

They will talk. You know the methods
they will use. You must flee tonight.

I cannot do that. These people are
my friends. I cannot desert them.

You must. They are ruthless and evil.

Get Mr Kelly and me
into the palace at once.

- No, my Imam, they will k*ll you.
- That is an order, Hussein.

Lilla, we won't let the lives
of two Europeans

stand between us and a fortune.

Karim can mean nothing to you.

- I don't know where he is.
- She's telling the truth.

Give me one reason why I should
take your word about anything!

If you tell us where Karim is,
we'll let you leave Sayeda unharmed.

If you refuse,

our system is not exactly a model
of English justice.

The jail is dirty and hot
and the other prisoners are...uncivilised.

And remarkable in their fondness
for European women.

Indeed. So I suggest you talk.

Cut it out. Neither of us know
where Karim is.

Why do you hesitate over the girl?

Yes, why do you? You didn't hesitate
in k*lling her father.

(g*nsh*t)

Arrest them! They are to be sh*t!

Guards...

Him!

- No.
- Please go quietly, Excellency.

No, Hussein, I will reward you with gold
and will make you a rich man!

We will find Prince Karim...

k*ll him and the oil will be ours.

Traitor! m*rder*r!

Take him away, Major.

(Cheering)

Well, it was a wonderful w*r, Simon,
and it was worth it. Listen to them.

Mr Kelly, your first duty
as Minister of the Interior

will be to revoke the oil concession
and make out a fresh one,

- assigning % to Miss McAndrew.
- It shall be done.

Well, Lilla, now that you're rich,
what will you do with yourself?

Maybe get married...
if I can find the right husband.

Funny, I was just sitting here
thinking the same thing myself.