03x08 - Episode 8

[bunniefuu]

ANNOUNCER:
In the last episode of Soap,

Billy and his teacher

are trying to have
a relationship,

but try as they may,
they're never alone,

which they find very trying.

The aliens tried to beam back
alien Burt,

but they couldn't
because he jammed his beamer.

Meanwhile, real Burt
was trying to convince Mary

he was on a spaceship
when he disappeared,

right before her eyes.

The aliens told real Burt

he has one try
to get alien Burt to return,

and if he can't,
he'll have to stay forever,

so he'd better try hard.

Confused?

You won't be,
after this episode of Soap.

This is the story
of two sisters,

Jessica Tate

and Mary Campbell.

These are the Tates,

and these are the Campbells,

and this is Soap.

I don't believe it.

It's absolutely delicious.

Who would've thought

that a convict
could cook like this?

Now, Billy,

just because one has been
a m*rder*r

doesn't mean
one can't have a hobby.

I'm really impressed
with Dutch, Eunice.

This is incredible.

I'll have seconds.

Oh, good.

Dutch! Seconds for everyone.

Coming right up.

Looks like
you've cooked for .

Three hundred and sixty,
actually.

Cellblock held .

You mean, you were actually
cooking for people?

There you go.

It's the only way I know how.

Listen, when you've got a recipe

that calls
for pounds of garlic,

it's a little hard
to break it down for six.

This is ridiculous.

He's cooking for people.

I'm out of a job,

and he's in there
cooking for people.

This stuff freezes up
like a dream.

Well, we just spent
Billy's entire college tuition

on Hungarian goulash.

Oh, I don't think
we have to worry

about Billy's education, Daddy.

Cute, Eunice.

Nice to see you home,

eating with your man
for a change.

Touché.

Am I missing something?

Yes... a husband.

Hi, love.

Hi, Aunt Mary.

Oh, Mary.
Mary.

Mary, darling,

you're just in time for dinner.

Hey, Aunt Mary.

Why don't you
sit here, Aunt Mary.

Darling, Dutch cooked dinner

for everyone tonight.

"Everyone" is right.

Yeah, go ahead, Aunt Mary.
There's plenty.

Rhode Island couldn't make it,
so there's a little left over.

[LAUGHING]

He's a funny guy.

I'll go get Aunt Mary
some silverware.

So, Mary, what did you do today?

Whoosh.

Washed. You washed?

I, uh, oh...

He just... pah!

[GASPS]

Must be code.

Put her under hot lights

and give me
a few minutes with her,

and she'll cr*ck.

Daddy, Daddy.

Mary, darling,
start very slowly,

and start from the beginning.

He called,
so I went when he said,

but I didn't talk till I saw,
even though he was there,

because he said not,
so I didn't,

and there was a soda,
and he sat,

and all of sudden...

I was, and he not.

Whoosh, nothing. Gone.

I'll get the lights.

He said he could,
but I didn't think...

No one thought.

Who thought?

We all didn't.

He said he could, and he did.

I saw.

And all this happened today.

Yes, when I wasn't here.

Now, I am.

He not.

Jessica,
what is she talking about?

Now, Mary, I am your sister,

and you can tell me.

You'll laugh.

No. No, I won't.

Chester.
Chester will laugh.

Chester always laughs.

Oh, that's very nice, Mary.

Aunt Mary, we would
never make fun of

or belittle you.

We're your family, Aunt Mary.

We love you.

So go ahead.

We promise.
We won't laugh at you.

Burt made himself disappear.

[ALL LAUGHING]

Now, stop that. St...

You ought to be ashamed
of yourselves.

Now...

Mary has come to us
with a problem,

and we love her.

We should help her
with her problem.

No, it's all right.

It's funny.

If something is funny,
it's funny.

Actually, it's ridiculous.

To tell you the truth,
I'm relieved.

I don't have to worry
about being crazy anymore.

I am crazy,

and if this is crazy,
I can live with it.

Crazy isn't so bad.

I'm talking.

I'm smiling.

[GIGGLING]

[BOTH LAUGHING]

I am so nervous, Corinne.

It was just a terrible idea
to meet Daddy here.

Well, we can't talk to him
at home

and risk Mother hearing.

Besides, this is
the scene of the crime.

It gives it a nice touch.

You know, I'm not at all sure
that it was Daddy.

Oh, please, Eunice.

The man has got more women
in his life

than a gynecologist.

You know, Corinne,
since Tim cut off your supply,

you may have become
a little obsessed with sex.

I'm obsessed?

With all the noise
coming from your room,

you could be scrimmaging
with the Pittsburgh Steelers.

Oh, God.
Here he comes.

See? Same guy as before.

Hi, Daddy.

What a treat.

Lunch with my little girls.

Hello, Claude.

Good afternoon,
Mr. Tate.

Would you like a drink, girls?

White wine, please.

Me too.

The usual, Claude.

I think you could use a double.

These are my daughters, Claude.

Of course.

Right.

So how are my little girls?

Just fine, Daddy.

Not bad.

Well, what did you want
to talk to me about?

We saw you the other day.

Well, you see me every day.

We saw you here,

with a woman.

Here?
Here.

Wasn't me.
I didn't think so.

Eunice.

Daddy, it was a man

who looked very much like you.

Well, it was probably
Cary Grant.

Oh, Daddy!

How could you do this
to her again?

Do what to who?

Cheat on Mother.

All this running around
behind her back.

If you don't stop it,
we'll have to tell her.

Tell her that you saw a man
who looks like me?

[LAUGHS]

I'm serious.

Well, so am I, Corinne.

I was not here yesterday.

It wasn't yesterday.

It was two days ago.

Two days ago.

Oh, well, why didn't you say so?

Of course,
I was here two days ago.

I was with
the executive secretary

to the president

of a very large
investment corporation.

I was getting job information.

I'll bet that's not
all you were getting.

You know
it's not that easy, Corinne.

Why? Are they getting choosy?

Corinne.

I've got a record, Corinne.

It's hard to get anything
with a record.

Well, it depends
on what you're trying to get.

May I get poison ivy,
chicken pox,

and a terrible case
of the hives,

and have no hands
to scratch with,

if ever I thought
of touching her.

See?

I'm gonna go
to the ladies' room.

Order me
the spinach salad, okay?

I don't want to break
Little Miss Muffet's heart,

but if you don't get smart

and stop running around
trying to see what you can get,

I'll tell Mother,

and you'll get it so bad
that you'll never get it again.

Got it?

Mm-hmm.

Thanks a lot, Mom.

Yeah. All right.

Go back to bed.

Yeah, sorry to bother you.

All right, bye.

No, no, it's okay.

It's nothing serious,

just a little colic,
that's all, hmm?

And you were so worried.

There...

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

It's a.m.

Who is this?

Hi, it's me.
Come on.

Burt.

Jodie.
Burt.

Jodie.
Burt.

Jodie, Jodie.

Burt.

Jodie. Are we alone?

Burt.

Burt, how'd you
get here so fast?

Oh, they... pfft... what?

It was a false alarm.

It was just a little colic.

You didn't have to come.

What's that?

What's what?

That what, there.

Something's on the baby?

Not on the baby.

The baby.
Whose baby is that?

That's my daughter, Wendy.

I mean, you met her
just the other day.

Your daughter, huh?

My granddaughter.

It's... That's...

She's a... That's a...

It's my granddaughter?

Look at her.

She's gorgeous.
Look, I love her.

Hey, Wendy.

Wendy, after
my great uncle Wendell.

Hi, Wendy, it's Grandpa.

[SPUTTERS]

Are you all right?

Terrific, what,
are you kidding me?

Well, what are you doing here?

No reason. No reason.

I lost my keys.

Could I stay over tonight?

Did you and Mom have a fight?

No, no.
No fight, nothing like that.

It's just...

I'm just...

Can I stay or not?

Is Mom okay?

Mom's fine. Mom's great.

Please, it's just
not a good idea

for me to go home right now,
because if I do,

they'll be a big hassle
fighting over the bathroom.

Not to mention the bed.

[GRUMBLES]

So come on.

Just let me stay
over here tonight,

and tomorrow morning,
we'll all get together,

I'll tell you everything,

and we'll have a big laugh.

Ha, ha, ha, ha.

I'm calling Mom.

Don't call her, for God's sake.

It's : in the morning.

She'll be cranky all day.

Just so she knows where you are.

She knows where I am,

but I can't tell her
she's wrong,

and don't you tell her anything.

She knows you're here?

She knows I'm there.

And are you?

Yes.

And you're here, right?

I'm not there, right?

I'm calling an ambulance.

Wait a minute, Jodie,
please, come on.

Just let me stay tonight.

If there's something wrong,
I want to know about it.

No, come on, just don't...

Okay, you should call.

Here, I will dial for you.

Here, go ahead.

You talk to your mom,

and while you're at it,
ask her to put me on.

Burt.
Please...

And don't you tell her I'm here.

This is the most
ridiculous thing...

Hello. Hi, Burt.

Could you say that again?

[EXHALES FORCEFULLY]

That was you.

That was really you.

Right.

I don't understand.

I'll tell you all about it.

I'll get
a couple of beers. Get a case.

It's gonna take a little while.

All right.

Is that just for one night?

Yes, just the night.

Is it night already?

Boy, am I tired.

[YAWNS]

Driving at night,
that can be m*rder.

I'm just gonna hop
into the old shower,

and then hop into the old sack.

So you want a single bed.

No, not really.

True, I only want one bed,

but I want it large enough
for all my luggage.

Name?

Tate... Jones.

Pick one.

Jones.

Yup, that's me.

Tate Jones from Idaho.

"Tater" for short.

Old Tater Jones.

Tater?

I had large eyes as a child.

And where is Mrs. Jones?

You mean my mother?

Wife. My wife.

She's...

In the car?

In the car, right.

She's in the car.

She loves that car.

It was a wedding gift.

And your luggage?

My luggage.

My luggage is, um...

At the airport.

Right again, at the airport.

Darn airlines lost the luggage.

I thought you said
you drove all night.

Absolutely, that's correct.

And they still
managed to lose it.

Well, I'm pretty bushed.

I think I'll turn in.

I'll be in the bar.

Let me know
when my room is ready.

Good luck.

Over here.

Hi.
Hi.

How are you?
Puzzled.

Why did you want to meet here?

I got us a room.

A room, why?

Because they could
arrest us in the lobby.

[LAUGHING]

Why are you laughing?

You actually got us a room.

You're absolutely adorable.

Adorable? I'm adorable?

I don't wanna be adorable.

A bunny is adorable.

Billy, we can't do that.

I know. Why not?

Well, first of all,
I'm your teacher,

and I'm still having trouble

dealing with that.

Second, even if
I wasn't your teacher,

it wouldn't be in a hotel.

When it happens,

it'll happen at our own pace.

It's a mistake this way.

Do you see?

Yeah.

It's just...

when I told you

that I've never been
with a divorced woman before,

I lied.

You did?

The truth is, I've never been.

Ever...

And I thought,
well, this is what you do.

You're so sweet.

Sweet and adorable?

Any minute,
I'll turn into a cocker spaniel.

And when and if it happens,
we'll be ready for it,

and it won't be in some hotel.

I agree.

What about Mexico?

What about a movie?

Fine. Let's go.

Billy.

Eunice.

Well.

Well, well.

Hello.

Hi.

So, what are you...
What are you...

The auction?

What auction?

You mean, we missed
the entire auction?

I don't know.
There may be an auction.

Oh, damn.

Well, Eric,
as long as we're here,

why don't we just
stay for a drink?

Oh, Eric, this is Billy,

my little brother.

Billy, this is Eric.

He's my, uh, auctioneer.

I see.

Well, so long.

Billy, you never told me
what you were doing here.

You're not the only one
who goes to auctions, Eunice.

I see.

Well, have a good time, kids.

I'm sorry
I didn't introduce you.

I understand.

That was your sister, I take it?

Yeah, one of them.

And here comes the other one.

Billy.

Hi.

What are you doing here?

This and that.

Ah.

Billy, this is...

This is Joe.

We dated in high school.

Hi, this is Leslie.

We also date in high school.

Isn't she one of your...?

Goodbye, Corinne.

Uh-huh, okay.

Ta.

Let's get outta here.
Okay.

[GASPS]

Sit down!
What?

Sit down.

Hey, Dutch, how are you?

What are you doing here?

Speed reading course
in room .

Dutch, this is Evelyn Wood.

Evie, Dutch.

Dutch, Evie.

You seen Eunice?

Eunice who?

I followed her in here.
You see her?

Dutch, I've got to be
honest with you.

No. No, I didn't.

Well, we'd better
be running along.

But she's here.
I followed her.

Okay, Dutch.

I didn't want to say it,
but you've forced me.

Eunice is reserving
a banquet hall

for your wedding shower.

It was going to be a surprise.

Men don't have showers.

Women have showers.

I said it was a surprise, Dutch.

Anyway, don't tell anyone
I told you, all right?

I'd better get out of here
before she sees me.

Or vice versa.
You're damn right.

Well, do you want
to go to my house?

Apparently, no one's there.

I love you.

You do?

You're so cute and funny.

Oh, good.

Sweet, adorable, cute and funny.

You're in a hotel lobby
with Kermit the Frog.

Now, how about that movie?

In a second.

[WHISTLE BLOWS]

MAN:
Hey, Burt!

What?

What do you got for lunch?

I got ham and cheese
and loaf meat.

Meatloaf. Meatloaf.

Wanna trade
your meatloaf for salmon?

I hate salmon.

My fingers smell all day.

Don't get startled.

What?

I don't want you
getting startled this high up,

but it's me.

I know.

I've been expecting you, Burt.

It's... Easy, now.

Sit down.

Just sit.

You want some?

Ham and cheese, meatloaf?

Meatloaf.

Mary makes a great meatloaf.

Puts an egg in it.

I like the pot roast.

That's incredible.

You look just like me.

Yeah, well, it wouldn't work

if I looked like me.

Who's going to give
a little silver contractor

a shopping center to build?

Listen, I want to talk to you.

Yeah?

Will you please let them
beam you back? No.

Come on. I love my wife.

I don't blame you.

She's a wonderful woman.

Hey, hey, hey.

This is my life.

You know what

you're asking me
to give up here? Huh?

Women, frozen Snickers,
Monday night football,

pizza, women, malts, women...

But it's my life.

I made it, I worked for it,

and I love Mary.

You don't love Mary.

Love, what love?

Eventually you're gonna die.

Then where's love?

Pfft. Nothing.

Up there, Burt,
you can live forever.

Without Mary,
I don't want to live.

Now you know how I feel
about Snickers.

You're stealing my life,
you know that?

This is theft.

What theft? What theft?

What, do you think
I saw you and said,

"Hey, look at this guy.
He's got a great life.

I think I'll take it."

No, I want to make
a trade here, trade.

I don't wanna trade.

Then I take.

Wait a minute, here. Wait.

You don't understand.

You don't know
what it's like here.

But you see, you spend
most of your life here

struggling to make money,

to get along with people,

to fall in love
and make it good,

to give your kids
the best you can,

and years go by
while you do this, pally,

years...

Then one day,
you wake up and realize, whoa.

I've arrived.

Business is good.

My wife and I
still love each other.

The kids are alive
and not on dr*gs.

Now, you can enjoy it all.

No more struggle.

Except then,

you realize
you haven't got a lot of time.

Well, now,
I've been through the struggle,

and I don't know
how much time I got left,

but I do know one thing...

I didn't come this far
to give up.

Now, give me back my life.

I'm entitled.

You're making me feel bad.

You should feel bad.

We don't know about bad.

We don't feel bad up there...

but unfortunately,

when they gave me your body,

those little morons
gave me your conscience.

Good. I'm glad.

Phew, you've got
some conscience.

It's one of my best qualities.

That and my smile.

So?

Let me think about it
for a few years.

A few years?

Or how about one more night?

I just want to say goodbye.

Now.

Now? What, not even
a quick cheeseburger?

Now, kiddo, now.

You know, that's why
you people don't live long.

Always rushing, rushing, ru...

All right, okay.

Okay, all right.

Hey, Burt.

Did you hear
the one about the...

Burt?

[MAN SCREAMS]

Oh!

[EXHALES FORCEFULLY]

That was some dive.

Did you see the way
he changed direction?

Guess he thought

flapping his arms would help.

[LAUGHS]

Good thing there's a lake

in front of this building.

Good thing

he missed the boat in the lake

in front of this building.

So, what are you waiting for?

New Year's? Hey.

All right, all right, all right.

Rush, rush, rush, rush, rush.

All right.

I'm ready.

Listen...

thanks for everything,

and I really had
a wonderful time.

Give Mary a kiss for me,

and your blue suit...

It's in the cleaner's.

Bye, Burt.

Bye, Burt.

[BUZZ]

Bye, Burt.

Now... Now I can go home.

ANNOUNCER:
Now that alien Burt has left for good,

will real Burt
be able to convince Mary

she was living with alien Burt?

Is Eunice convinced
Chester isn't fooling around?

Is Corinne convinced he is?

Has Corinne convinced him
he'd better stop?

Is he convinced?

Does Dutch really believe

Eunice is planning
a surprise shower for him,

or is Eunice really in
for a surprise?

Will Billy and his teacher

ever be alone long enough
to have an affair?

These questions and many others

will be answered
in the next episode of Soap.

Soap is videotaped
before a studio audience.

[♪]