03x16 - Episode 16

[bunniefuu]

ANNOUNCER:
In the last episode of Soap,

Jessica got depressed

when she found out
Detective Donohue got married.

Dutch got depressed

when he found out
Eunice got lucky,

and although she promised
never to be unfaithful again,

we know she didn't mean it.

Burt got rid of his depression
over dying

by trying to get into
the Book of World Records.

Jodie got depressed

because he couldn't
find a nanny,

and until he found a nanny,
he couldn't go to work,

which was depressing
his bank account,

so he moved back home,

which helped Mary
over her depression.

Depressed?

You won't be
after this episode of... Soap.

This is the story
of two sisters,

Jessica Tate...

and Mary Campbell.

These are the Tates...

and these are the Campbells...

and this is... Soap.

[LOUD CRASHING]

[BABY CRYING]

I don't get it.

I don't get it.

As soon as our head
hits the pillow,

she turns into a fire engine.

She's teething, Burt.
Teething? Teething?

She's been teething for a month.

What is she, a walrus?

Teething? Teething?

When they're babies,
they cry from teething,

then they get braces

and they walk around
for a couple of years

looking like a ' Buick.

Then they need caps.

There's braces,
and night braces,

retainers,

rubber bands flying
out of their mouths,

smack you in the eye...

Mare, in the mouth of a teenager
lives the national debt.

Burt, you're raving.

I get a little irrational

when I haven't slept
in six weeks.

I'm glad I can't sleep.

I get nauseous when I lie down.

I can feel the baby kicking me.

It's a wonderful feeling.

I lie there in the dark,
feel a little kick,

giggle like crazy,
and then throw up.

God, I'm starving.

Well, as long as I'm up,

I may as well take
another sh*t at this here.

Mare, for the Guinness Book
of World Records,

: PM.

Hey. Hi, Burt.

Hi, Jodie.

I'm, uh, real sorry about this.

No problem.
I love it. I love it.

We get to come down here...

talk, I don't know.

Hey, Wendy, Wendy...

[ULULATES]

Grandpa.

BOB: That's it.
I'm moving out.

Bob...
Don't "Bob" me.

I'm leaving.

It's started again,

every night, all night long.

I can't stand it anymore.

Come on, Bob.

She's just a little baby.

I'm not talking
about her, Dr. J.

I'm talking about you.

All night long with that ball.

Ka-ching. Ka-ching.
Ka-ching.

A screen, and...

sh**t it already, damn it!

Bob, Dad is trying to get into

the Guinness Book
of World Records.

For what?
Being a nudge?

Reminds me
of my cousin Pinocchio.

What a pain in the rear he his.

"I want to be a real, live boy!

I want to be
a real, live boy!"

All night long.

It could make you throw up.

[DOORBELL CHIMES]

Hi.

Carol.

May I come in?

Sure.

How have you been?

Fine.

Fine.

Fine.

Ms. Warmth.

Oh, well,
we better get dressed, Mare,

we're going to make that movie.

Let's go.

Movie?

Burt, it's midnight, and...

I'll put on a skirt.
I won't be a minute.

Hi, Mary.

Hi, Carol.

Excuse me. I have to throw up.

Uh, Chuck,
do you think you and... Yeah.

Uh, Bob, why don't we
go for a walk.

Yeah. Oh, hi there, Carol.

Long time no see.

Bob.

Listen, did you get that, uh,

Mother's Day card that we sent?

Well, I-I guess not.

Good night little Wendy,
Wendy, Wendy, Wendy.

[LAUGHS]

You look well.

You were, what,
in the neighborhood

and thought you'd just, uh,
drop by?

Something like that, yes.

God, she's beautiful.

More beautiful than I remember.

You got some memory.

She looks like you.

When she's awake and screaming

I think she looks like me,

but right now I think

she looks a lot like her m...

I think she looks like you.

She's incredible.

So how you been?

Good, good.

What happened to the, uh...

the cowboy?

Oh, he's here.

We came into town together
for the rodeo.

Is the rodeo in town?

Damn, my chaps
are in the cleaner's.

May I hold her?

Of course.

Oh, God.

Carol, would you mind
putting her down?

I...really want her
to sleep.

Okay.

You don't seem
too happy to see me.

Carol, you come into my life

like a sailor on leave,

tell me
I'm going to be a father,

then leave me at the altar,

prevent me from seeing my child,

then you abandon her.

And now here you are again,

and you don't understand
why I'm not happy to see you?

Well, excuse me

if you are not my choice
for woman of the year.

You don't know
what I went through...

It's late.

We've got to get to sleep.

I understand.

I'm sorry.

We'll be here
till the end of the month.

May I see her again?

Sure.

Thank you.

Bye-bye, honey.

Her name is Wendy.

See you.

[FUSSING]

Shh.

[CARS HONKING]

Mother. Mother.

Mother, will you listen to me?

Mrs. Fader got k*lled by a lion
on a safari in Africa.

You live in Queens.

What do you mean, you're next?

It had nothing to do with you.

She stepped out of a Land Rover
and tried to sit on a lion.

What has that
got to do with you?

Mother, we all wish
people were dead some time.

You don't have to feel guilty,
Mother.

I'm a psychiatrist.

You can take my word for it.

Fine. What do I know?

Your time is up, Mother.

Mrs. Tate.

I'm not crazy.

I'm sure you're not, Mrs. Tate.

Come in.

You see, I'm here
because of my children.

They wanted me to come here.

I understand.

Sit down.

Do you really understand,

or are you just saying that
to humor me

because actually,
you really do think I'm crazy?

I don't think you're crazy,
Mrs. Tate.

Believe me.

Sit down.

The patients

are generally
not the crazy ones.

We are.

[GIGGLES]

Well, that's very funny.

That really is very funny.

Oh, well,
I feel much better now.

You see,
I was a little depressed.

That's why my children
wanted me to come here.

Now you've made me laugh,
and I feel so much better.

I really want to thank you
for that, Doctor.

Goodbye.

You have minutes left.

That much?

Well, I just want you
to know, Doctor,

I have no intention

of being entirely honest
about everything.

There are some things
I prefer to lie about.

That should be helpful.

Well, that just about does it.

Time's up.

minutes left.

Of course, I do have one aunt,
a distant aunt,

very, very distant...
She lives in Portugal...

and she is a little crazy.

She thinks she's royalty.

Wears a little crown everywhere.

You know, to the market,
to the beach.

Last year declared w*r on Spain.

Uh, Doctor...

I don't mean to be personal,

but why do you have
a punching bag in your office?

It's to help people
get rid of their anger.

They pretend the bag
is someone they're mad at,

and they punch it.

I see.

Would you like to try it?

Oh, no, no.

Thank you.

I might break my nails.

It can be very helpful,
Mrs. Tate.

I have used it myself
on occasion.

Who do you pretend it is?

It depends.

Well, I used to pretend
it was my wife.

Used to?

We're divorced now.

We've been divorced
quite some time.

I see.

I'm entirely over it now,

but then...

well...

I guess I used to get
pretty upset about things.

Like what?

[CHUCKLES]

Like what?

Mm-hmm.

The woman was having an affair
with our next-door neighbor.

No.

Yes.

He used to come over
all the time

and borrow my tools.

I had no idea
what else he was borrowing.

She had an affair
with our son's orthodontist.

He charges me six grand,
sleeps with my wife,

and my kid
still looks like a rabbit.

She slept with the pediatrician.

She slept with the pool man.

She slept with the gas man.

She slept with the plumber.

She slept with anyone
who rang the doorbell,

and I never knew it.

All I ever knew was,

whenever we got into bed,
she was too tired.

Too tired.

It's a wonder
she was still alive!

Maybe she slept with Chester.

Who's Chester?

My husband.

If he drove down our street,
odds are, she did.

Doctor?

Are you all right?

Of course.

I was just demonstrating.

Your wife sounds
a lot like my husband.

Oh?

My husband just left me
for another woman.

Oh.

Well, actually, not a woman.

A teenybopper.

Well, it's easy to see, then,

why you're so depressed,
Mrs. Tate.

I guess it's normal
to feel depressed.

Oh, hell, yes.

After I found out about my wife,

I was so depressed,
I couldn't get out of bed.

Neither could she,
which is why I was so depressed.

Believe me, Mrs. Tate,

you are reacting normally.

I'd be worried about you
if you weren't depressed.

Now, why don't you try

to get rid
of some of your anger.

Go on. Punch it.

But I'm not angry, really.

Oh, come on, you've got
to be a little angry.

No, really, nothing.

After what your husband did,
you're not the least bit angry?

No.

Think of what he did.

Think of how he treated you.

The cheating.

The deception.

All those years.

All those lies.

All those women.

I guess I was a little angry.

I-I'm so sorry.

Hi, Burt.

hours.

hours
I've been dribbling this.

Burt...
I dribbled in the train.

I dribbled down the street.

I dribbled in the subway,
where I almost got k*lled.

Four black guys
tried to take it from me.

And what happens in your office?

One of your stupid nurses
slaps it out of my hands.

Sorry.

What is wrong with her?

Where is her mind?

She takes a person's basketball

in the middle of a dribble?

I'm sure she didn't realize.

hours.

I have to start all over again.

I'm sorry, Burt.
I'll talk to her.

Which one was it?

The blond.

The one who looks
like a tr*nsv*stite.

I'll talk to her.

Sit down, Burt.

This better be important,

why I'm here.

After what I just
went through here,

this better be big.

It is big, Burt.

Something happened yesterday.

I lost a patient.

[STIFLED LAUGH]

You're having
a really terrific month here.

See, about the time
you came in for your physical,

this other guy
came in to see me too.

Well, he checked out fine.

Perfect health.

Yesterday, he d*ed.

[STIFLED LAUGH]

I-I-I-I did an autopsy, Burt.

He had your disease.

W-What?

What do you mean?
What do you mean?

Well, you know, I mean,
I have no time left?

You gave me five months.
No.

What... This... You mean...

Ah.

What do you mean, this is it?

I mean, right now, any second,
pfft, I could just...

I'm getting dizzy here.

That's it. Doc.

Hold me. Doc.

I can... I feel it.

That's it. The heart's stopped.

It's gone.

No, Burt, no.

Doc, I'm going, I'm going.

You tell Mary I love her.

Burt, you're not dying.

Give my eyes to some blind guy.

I got / vision.

But just tell him,

remember, vodka makes them red.

Burt, it was a mistake.

Am I dead yet?

This is taking a very long time.

Burt, you're not dying.

The lab made a mistake.

He had the disease, not you.

You mean I don't have...

I never had...

I'm not now... I don't...
I'm alive?

I'm living?

I'm going to...
I'm not going to die?

Whoo-hoo!

Doc! Oh, Doc!

Doc! Mm!

Oh, wait a minute,
wait a minute.

I feel awful.

That poor guy d*ed
and I'm happy.

Oh, if it's any help at all,
Burt,

he was a terrible guy.

See, that's why I got so upset
when I thought you were dying.

I said, "Why Burt?

Why should Cookie live
and Burt die?"

His name was Cookie.

You can imagine
a man named Cookie.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
Wait a minute here.

How do you make
a mistake like this?

How?

How do you make this mistake?

Computer error.

Computer error?

It happens, Burt.

Computer error?

We're talking
life and death here,

not Mastercharge.

I almost dove
off the Flatiron Building.

They're ruining our lives,
these computers.

I had a friend once,

sh*t the computer,
it made him so crazy.

Computers.

You ever make a mistake
on your bill, forget it.

Once it's in the computer,
it's there for life.

I'm glad you brought that up,
Burt.

See, unfortunately,

the computer
thinks you're dying,

and it contacted
other computers.

You know, bank computers,
charge card computers.

See, some dying people

like to charge up a storm
before they go,

so now, since all the computers
think you're dying,

you've become a bad credit risk.

If I were you,

the next few months,
I'd use cash.

Ooh. Making lunch?

Good. I'm starved.

It's for the baby, Ma.

What is it?

Strained spinach,
strained carrots,

and strained beets.

I think I'll just have
a cup of coffee.

Why can't they make
strained Lobster Neuberg

or strained chocolate mousse?

I'd love to go out some night

and eat something
I actually had to chew.

Well, why don't you, dear?

You know, I could
watch little Timmy.

Oh, it's not easy dating

when you have a kid, Mom.

Men seem to run the other way.

Don't I know it.

What?

Well, look at me.

I have four.

Am I dating?

But all your children
are grown up.

No, I mean a relationship.

You know, some nice guy

who's... Who's bright
and funny and caring.

Someone who asks me
questions about myself.

Someone who's cares
about what I think.

You know, a friend
as well as a lover.

And failing that,
someone with a nice car.

Oh, Corinne...

Hi.

JESSICA:
Hello, Billy.

You're home early.

I never went out.

Oh, that's strange.

You've been spending

so much time
away from home lately.

Oh, Billy,

you're not ill, are you?

I'm great. I feel fine.

How's Leslie?

She's great. Fine.

She's terrific.

It must be so nice

to have someone
you can spend time with.

It's the best.

Where is she now?

Who cares?

Billy...

I didn't mean that, Mom.

It's just...

she wants to see me
all the time,

and I really care for her.
She's a wonderful person.

But I'm just too young
to commit all my time to her.

Do you believe this?

Here we are
dying for what you have,

and you don't want it.

What's with this family
and relationships?

[GROANING]

Oh, ho, ho...

ho...

Is something the matter, Dutch?

Oh, nothing. Nothing.

Everything is Jake.

You seem a little depressed.

I found this on my pillow.

What is it?
It's a letter.

I know that, dear.

I mean what is in it?

Well, I haven't read it yet.
I'm too scared.

Well, who's it from?

It ain't from the tooth fairy.

It's Eunice.

She wants me out.

Now, Dutch,
we don't know that for sure.

Yeah, this is goodbye.
That's what this is.

I got hours
to get out of her life.

I'm getting the boot,
the old wazoo,

the long goodbye.

Why don't you read it?

I can't.

If this says
what I think it says,

I'll go nuts.

Uh, now, Dutch,

I know that your
natural instinct

is to tear the kitchen to pieces

and throw it, piece by piece,

into the pool,

but you're a mature,
intelligent man,

and I'm sure
you can take any news,

good or bad,

with dignity and decorum.

Thanks.

Would you like one of us
to read it for you?

If you don't mind.

Oh, there's absolutely
nothing to worry about.

There's nothing we humans

can't handle
like the British do.

Has anyone seen Irv?

Who?
My pigeon.

I sent him across the lines
with the prescription to fill

and he hasn't returned,
the damn bird.

Oh.

Exactly.

It's a lousy letter, ain't it?

No, not at all, not at all.

Look, neatly typed.

It's in a new envelope,
nicely folded.

Read it to me.

Fine.

Fine, but...

we're going to play
a little game first.

It's called "tie-up."

You see, we are going to
tie you up real tight,

and then we'll read the letter.

Won't that be fun?

Oh, please.
I can handle it, really.

I-I believe you, Dutch.
I believe you.

Corinne, you read the letter.

"Dear Dutch..."

You see?
There's a good sign.

"Dear."

I mean, she could have
started it, "Hey, Jerko."

Read.

"Dear Dutch...

I've run off with another man."

Okay, okay.

Little setback.
No problem.

Shake it off.

Read.

"Please don't take this
as a reflection on you."

Better.
Billy.

Read.

"But I have to leave you.

"Please don't try to find me.

"It's easier this way.

Eunice."

God, look at the time.

Well, so long, everybody.

I'd better run.

[DOOR CLOSES]

How are you feeling, Dutch?

Don't worry.

I'm not going to do nothing.

I'd better go and pack.

What for?

I can't live here no more.

Eunice is gone.

So?

Well, you're her family.

I wouldn't be here
if it wasn't for Eunice.

I-I wouldn't be anywhere
if it wasn't for Eunice,

so I'd better just go.

Dutch, wait.

Now, we're your family now.

Nah.

I appreciate you saying that,
but that ain't true.

Now, Dutch, you listen to me.

You are not only
a part of this family,

but technically,
you are the man of the house.

I mean, we have just recently
lost two husbands here,

and I simply will not tolerate

another man
walking out of this house.

Dinner's at six.

Please don't be tardy.

Your mother's
really a nice person.

We all feel the same way, Dutch.

Almost all.

Feel like talking?

No.

Feel like crying?

I haven't cried since, uh...

I don't cry.

Well, then...

would it help if I held you?

[♪]

ANNOUNCER:
Will seeing a psychiatrist help Jessica?

Will seeing Jessica
help the psychiatrist?

Now that Eunice has left home,

will Corinne end up
with her room?

Her clothes? Her man?

Did Carol just drop by
to see the baby

or does she really want
something else?

Now that Burt knows
he's not going to die,

will finding out
Mary's baby might not be his

k*ll him?

These questions and many others

will be answered
on the next episode of... Soap.

Soap is videotaped
before a studio audience.