03x17 - Episode 17

[bunniefuu]

ANNOUNCER:
In the last episode of Soap,

Danny and Polly
found themselves in love

and found out that most people

found their relationship
unusual.

Dutch found a note from Eunice,
saying she'd found another man,

run off with him,

and Dutch better not
try and find her.

Jessica found a psychiatrist

to help her over her depression
she found herself in

after she threw Chester out

when she found out

he was in love
with the minister's daughter.

Carol and her cowboy boyfriend

found themselves in New York
for the rodeo,

and Jodie found himself

agreeing to let her
see the baby.

And Burt found out

he's not going to die after all.

Find it confusing?

You won't
after this episode of... Soap.

This is the story
of two sisters,

Jessica Tate...

and Mary Campbell.

These are the Tates...

and these are the Campbells...

and this is... Soap.

Burt! Burt!

[ALL SHOUTING]

ANNOUNCER:
We begin this week's episode

shortly after Burt found out
he's not going to die.

[GRUNTS]

I love to paint.

Really.

Yeah, even though in school,
I hated art.

I wish I'd had
this rubber-based paint

when you and Jodie were babies.

Why? It's only white.

It's washable.

You have no idea what you kids

used to smear
all over these walls.

Crayons, finger paints,
gum, food...

plus some unmentionables.

Hi.
Hey, Burt.

You want to help?

[WHIMPERING SOB]

Burt, what is it?

What's happened?

[SOBBING]

You don't like the color?

I'll change the color.

[WHIMPERING] Mary,
Mary, Mary, Mary.

Burt, what? Tell me.

Burt, what is it?

[STRANGLED CRY]

[SOBBING]

d*ed...

d*ed? Someone d*ed?

I'm dying.
Someone d*ed.

Who d*ed?

I don't know.

You don't know?

No.

Aw.

He's such a sensitive man,

even the death of a stranger

makes him sad.

[GIGGLES]

I'm happy! I'm happy! I'm happy!

He d*ed. He d*ed.

He seems to be happy
this guy d*ed.

He's probably a very bad guy.

Who was it, Burt?

Who was this person who d*ed?

Not me.

Wasn't him.

It wasn't you.

Wasn't me.

That's great!

Oh, Mare, Mare,
it was all a mistake.

I'm not going to die.

You're not?

No!
Burt!

Dan!
Burt!

[BOTH LAUGHING]

He's not gonna die!

I didn't think he was.

No, no.

He was going to die.
He was going to die.

We all are eventually.

No, he was gonna die now.

In five months.

But not now.

What are you talking about?

Mare, Dr. Saxon told me

I had this rare blood disease.

I only had five months to live.

But it was a mistake.
It was a mix-up.

One of his other patients
had the disease,

so he d*ed, not me.

You gave him your disease?

Can't you get
in trouble for that?

No, no, no.
It was the lab.

They made a mistake.

Oh, they gave him the disease.

No, he already had the disease.

It was his disease, not mine.

Oh, so he took it back.

I never had it.

Did you want it?

Danny.

It was an accident.

The lab put this guy's disease
on my records by mistake.

Oh, well, it's a good thing

they found out about it
before you d*ed.

Right.

I guess this means

no more Guinness Book
of World Records, huh?

No.

Aw...

Come on, Dan, no, no, no.

Listen,
now that I'm going to live,

I'm going to stay alive
to enjoy it.

Well, I'd better go
cancel that order.

What order?

The banana order.

What banana order?

Well, I figured
that the next attempt

to get in the Guinness Book
of World Records

could be
the longest banana split.

The longest one on record
is mile, yards long,

so I ordered bananas.

How many?

Not many. I'll cancel it.

How many bananas?

[LAUGHS UNCOMFORTABLY]

thou.

thou? , ?

He ordered , bananas?

He's going to cancel it.

You cancel an order like that,
Honduras is out of business.

Mare, I'm not going to die.

You almost d*ed.
I can't believe it. I...

You're telling me?

The news alone almost k*lled me.

You've been walking around,

thinking
that you were going to die.

Oh, Burt.

It must have been awful.

It was.

The Guinness attempts, you know,

took my mind off it
a little bit,

but then at night,

I'd lie in bed,
and I would remember.

I never thought
I was going to see the baby.

Now I'm going to see the baby,
Mare.

I knew there was something wrong
with you.

Why didn't you tell me?

Why didn't you
share this with me?

Mare. What? Please.

I'm going to tell you
I'm going to die?

You know how upset you get.

Look at you now.

You just found out
I'm going to live.

Oh, Burt,
it must have been awful.

Oh, Mare, it was.
It was awful.

But, you know, in a strange way,

it turned out good.

Good?

Yeah.

Yeah, Mare, because now

I can love you
and the baby and life

so much more,

because I know
in a very different way

that someday

I really am going to die,

and the thought

that I'm really
not going to be here

really makes me be here.

Give me a kiss, toots.

Oh, Burt.

Oh...

ROD RODDY [OVER TV]:
You could win...

a new car!

[CHEERING & APPLAUSE]

[TURNS TV OFF]

[SIGHS]

[DOOR OPENS]

Gloria, for God sakes,
where have you been?

You went out for movie magazines

two days ago.

Got lost.

I was worried sick about you.

I called the hospitals.

I called the morgue.

I didn't know
what happened to you.

Couldn't sleep a wink.

I just sat here waiting
and praying

and watching game shows.

Oh, Gloria, I love you so.

You're it.

You're the thing
I've been looking for

all my life.

You're my .

What are you doing?

What does it
look like I'm doing?

Well, packing.

Good.

Are we moving someplace?

Not we.

"Not we."

Are you moving somewhere?

Bet your bottom.

Where? Why?

Out. Because.

Are you leaving me?

Oh, Gloria,

you're not leaving me.

Why are you leaving me, Gloria?

I found someone better.

Better?

What do you mean by "better"?

Better-dressed, better-looking.

Better in bed.

Better.

Better-dressed?

I'm taking the backgammon set.

He's better at that too.

Gloria, I thought you loved me.

You said you loved me.

How can you leave me?

You're old.

I beg your pardon?

You're old and soft
and have hair in your ears.

All right. Fine.

I'm not going to make
a fool out of myself.

I can handle this with dignity.

You're leaving.

I will survive.

Oh, Gloria,
please don't leave me.

I love you. Please.

I can't live without you.

Chester, stop slobbering.

These shoes are suede.

Gloria, what am I going to do?

I left my wife for you.

I left my family.

I have no home.

I have no place to go.

I have nothing, Gloria.

Exactly.

That's why I'm leaving.

Next, please.

[MAN WHISPERING]

[TELEPHONE RINGING]

Are you nervous?

No.

I am.

So am I.

It's a big step.

Yes, it is.

It shouldn't be
undertaken frivolously.

I agree.

Living together,

sharing a house, a home,
a life together.

It means a lot to me, Danny.

It's not a casual thing.

I agree.

See, my friends,

they live together
two, three weeks,

and it's over.

I can't stand that.

It's childish and irresponsible.

Plus I hate packing.

Polly...

believe me,
this is very important to me.

I'm not going into this lightly.

I love you.

What are you looking at?

Look at this.
They're staring at us.

Oh, they are not.

Excuse me...

All right,

what's your problem,
buddy? Huh?

What's your problem?
Huh?

You don't like, uh,

interracial, uh,
interrelating, huh?

I could care less.

Well, then what
are you gawking at?

I was just going to say hello.

Is that so?
I'm your dentist.

Dr. Stegman.

Dr. Stegman,
I'm really sorry.

I-I-I'm sorry.

I didn't recognize you
without your smock.

It's perfectly all right.
Perfectly all right.

You've got a check-up
in two weeks.

Goodbye.

Do you believe this?

I just roughed up my dentist.

Am I crazy?

Excuse me.

He'll probably clean my teeth

with a saw.

Yoo-hoo.

Uh, Rosen.
Real estate?

Sorry about the wait.
You're next.

Thank you.

I'm sorry, young fellow,

but I think this lady
was ahead of you.

Oh, no, you don't understand...
No, there's no rush.

There's no rush.
There's plenty houses.

All kinds houses.

Houses, houses, houses.

Rosen has hundreds of houses.

No rush.

See, we're together.

I haven't got a thing.

Hey, hey, hey.

No, joking, joking.
Just a humor.

Please, sit down.
I got plenty.

Sit down.

Crazy kids.

Crazy, crazy, crazy.

What are you, crazy?

What do you mean?

What do I mean?

Look how you look.

White. Black.

Where do you expect to live?

In the land of Nod
and Oz and Disney World?

It's crazy, crazy.

All right, all right, fine.

Danny, we don't need this.

We'll go someplace else.

Wait. Listen, please.

Please, sit down, sir.

Please.

I happen to have
the same situation.

My daughter is married
to a black fellow.

Nice man.

Tall.

But they have problems.

People like them have problems.

It's a social fact.

You should see where they live,
and I sold them the house.

What do you recommend?

I recommend you find yourself
a nice black fellow,

and you find yourself
a nice Jewish girl.

I'm not Jewish.

You won't regret it.

Look, Mr. Rosen,

we're in love,

and we feel that we can deal

with anything
that's out there, together.

Now, either you can help us,

or we'll find someone else.

All right, all right.

I was just trying to give you
the facts of life.

I mean, people
are going to harass you

no matter where you live.

Maybe not everybody,
but enough to make it painful.

End of lecture.

Now, I just happen to have

a nice little Cape Cod cottage.

Oh, Danny, it's adorable.

It's just what I wanted.

Who wouldn't?

We'll take it.

You got it.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

But I got to warn you,
young lady,

there's not one
black family around for blocks.

So now they'll have

a reason to come over.

It could be tense.

Oh, it'll always be tense

anywhere we go,

but this is our house.

I feel it in my heart.

When the heart speaks,
the mind turns to peanut butter.

Mr. Rosen, may I
ask you a question?

Why not?

How did you deal
with your daughter

in love with a black man?

At first, I was so upset,
I fasted for six hours.

Then I said to myself,
"You're Jewish.

There are people who are
not so crazy about you either."

And I realized hating
was a disease,

and I was not going to be
a carrier.

How's your daughter doing?

Oh, great. Fine.

They're in love.

What do they know?

That's wonderful.

My wife, however,
was committed three years ago.

Morning, Dutch.

Morning, Corinne.

BOTH: Oh!

Oh, no.
Oh, God.

We didn't.
We did.

We did?

You forgot?

No, I know we did.

Oh, jeez.

What kind of people are we?

The worst.

We're the worst.

You must think I'm a real slut.

I'm a terrible person.

I feel like the worst
person in the world.

Guilt is terrible.

That's just it.

I don't feel guilty.

That's why I feel so terrible.

If I could feel guilty about it,

I wouldn't feel so bad,
but I don't.

I feel pretty good, actually.

You were so soft.

I was?

Like a muffin.

Oh.

I'm sorry about this, Corinne.

It's just that...
we were so...

I mean, I was so...

Uh, lost?

Yeah.

And alone.

Yeah.

Me too.

How could I do this to Eunice?

Look around you, Dutch.

What do you see?

What do you mean?

Do you see Eunice?

No.

Who do you see?

You.

I guess when two people
need each other,

sometimes
they happen to find each other.

It happens.

And let's face it,
we needed to find each other.

And we did.

I mean, what's so terrible?

Who did we hurt?

All we did was share
some connubials.

That's true.

I feel terrible.

My lover's sister.

My sister's lover.

I made love
to my lover's sister.

You are the lover
of two sisters.

You're one of the sisters
I love.

You do?

Good morning, Corinne.

I just fed the ba...

Hi, Ma.

Hi, Ma.

I never saw anything.

Not a thing.

I never even came in.

Nope. Not me.

Saw nothing.

Heard nothing.

I'm not even at home right now.

I went out.

Zero.

Nothing.

My eyes are sealed.

Corinne... Oh...

If you should go out later,

would you pick up
a quart of milk, please?

Goodbye.

[KNOCKING AT DOOR]

Hi.

Hi.

You've got some
very strange people

in your waiting room.

Well, they've come
to the right place.

One lady who's dressed in red
insists she's a tomato

and that men keep trying
to squeeze her.

And then there's
some man who says

that there are bugs
all over the place,

and this other lady says
that they're tomato bugs

brought in by the first lady,

which made the first lady
very mad,

because she says
she's been sprayed.

I felt very funny sitting there.

Jessica, you shouldn't.

They're people,
just like anyone else.

Oh, no, I didn't mean that.

It's just that I didn't have

anything to contribute
to the conversation.

I didn't want them
to think I was rude.

Although, I did say

that I thought the tomato
was the most important part

of the bacon, lettuce
and tomato sandwich,

which is not exactly true
because I think the bacon is.

I just hope

that they didn't know
that I was lying.

Jessica, you don't have to
worry about that anymore.

You will not be
seeing these people again.

You are not coming here again.

You're f*ring me?

No, no.

I know. I know.

I'm hopeless.

It's a hopeless case.

Jessica, no, no.
Well, why not?

It's hereditary.

I mean, do you know
that my great aunt

was personally responsible
for Freud's cocaine habit?

Jessica, you're fine.

That's why you don't have to
come here anymore.

There's nothing wrong with you.

Really?

Really.

Now, I've thought about this
a lot.

I've had to,

because of what's involved.

What's involved?

I'd like to go out with you.

Oh, no,
you'd make me too nervous.

How would I make you nervous?

You're a psychiatrist,
and you know everything.

I mean, if I wanted to kiss you,
you'd know,

and if I wanted to... you know,
you'd know.

I mean, you're a psychiatrist.

You can read minds.

I can't read minds, Jessica.

If I could read minds,

I wouldn't have been so nervous
asking you out.

You were nervous?

A wreck.

Psychiatrists can get nervous?

Jessica, we're people too.

I didn't know that.

What I mean is,

I didn't know
you could get nervous.

I mean, of course
I know you're people.

I can see that.

Two arms, two legs,
a turtleneck.

Jessica...

What?

Will you?

Will I what?

Go out with me.

[BABY FUSSING]

I think Wendy's up.

[KNOCKING AT DOOR]

Hi.

Hi-ho, little feller.

What can I do for you?

[CHUCKLES]

I'm Jodie Dallas.

No kidding.

Sure as sh**ting.

Somehow, I expected
someone a little, uh...

weirder.

Oh, I am a little weirder.

May I come in?

Um, sure.

Hell.

Come on in.

Hell, sure.

Carol's just getting the kid up.

Make yourself at home.

You want bourbon?

No thanks. I don't drink.

I ain't surprised.

Hey, you come for the kid?

If you mean my daughter,
yeah, that's why I'm here.

Uh, you don't plan on staying on
a bit, then, is that it?

Don't worry about it,
electric horseman.

I'll be out of here

as fast as you can
lasso a bronc.

She's a good kid.
I like that kid.

Fine.

She likes me too.

I'm real glad. Carol!

Uh, there's only one thing
I can't figure. What's that?

How can you say
that kid's yours?

What?

Well, heck,

they're ain't no fairy
in the world

could sire a colt,
far as I can figure.

That's probably because

you have prairie dust
for brains.

Well, here we are,
all nice and clean,

because Mommy washed you
and powdered you.

Oh, Jodie,
we had a wonderful day.

I'm glad.

Hey, sweetie.

Okay.

Hey, it was real nice
meeting you,

and, uh, Carol,
any time you're in town...

Jodie, I have
something to tell you.

What?

Uh, it isn't easy for me to say.

I'm running a little late,
Carol.

I want the baby.

So long, Carol.

I have a lawyer.
You're gonna need an army.

I'm her mother, Jodie.

Why? Because you
changed her once

and threw a little powder
on her bottom?

Forget about it, Carol.

I raised this child.

I'm the one
who got her through teething

and colic
and crying in the night.

I'm all the family she has.

She stays with me.

Okay, I'm taking you to court.

You don't have a chance!

That's my daughter,
and I want her!

I don't believe this.

You're going to get whupped
in court, boy.

Ain't no judge on Earth
going to give you that baby

knowing what he knows

about the way you carry on.

Why don't you just go
punch a cow?

Why don't I just punch you?

Oh, very sensitive man
you have here, Carol.

He's going to make
a very good witness.

Better than a f*g.

I don't think I'd get so snitty
if I were you.

I mean, after all,

we do shop in the same stores.

Hi-dee-ho.

[♪]

ANNOUNCER: Is it crazy for Jessica
to date her psychiatrist?

What will Jodie do

now that Carol
wants the baby back?

Does this make her
an Indian giver?

Would Danny and Polly
be happy living together?

Will the neighbors be happy?

Will Dutch and Corinne continue?

Will Jessica
continue to ignore them?

Now that Gloria has left him,
what will Chester do?

Who will he do it with?

These questions and many others

will be answered
on the next episode of... Soap.

[♪]

ANNOUNCER: Soap is videotaped
before a studio audience.