03x20 - Episode 20

[bunniefuu]

ANNOUNCER:
In the last episode of Soap,

Burt decided to run for sheriff
and was hoping to get elected.

Leslie has threatened
to k*ll herself,

and Billy is hoping she won't.

Carol was hoping to win custody
of the baby,

and Jodie, hoping she wouldn't,

hired Mr. Mallu
as his attorney,

hoping it would help.

Chester returned,

hoping Jessica
would take him back,

but Jessica
is dating her psychiatrist,

who is hoping she won't.

Dutch and Corinne
have become involved

and seem very happy,

and are hoping it works out.

The Tates have hired
a new butler named Saunders,

who, after one meal,
is hoping it's all a bad dream.

And Jessica suddenly collapsed
and was taken to the hospital,

and everyone
is hoping against hope

she'll be all right.

Confused?

You won't be
after this episode of... Soap.

This is the story
of two sisters,

Jessica Tate

and Mary Campbell.

These are the Tates,

and these are the Campbells,

and this is... Soap.

[CRASH]

We begin this week's episode

shortly after Jessica collapsed.

I hate hospitals.

Dutch, you don't have to stay.

Why don't you just go home?

Are you kidding?

And leave your mother here

like this?

Never. Never.

Oh, God.

I can't take it.

Why her, Corinne?
Why her?

[SOBBING]

Dutch, we don't even
know what's wrong.

It could be nothing.

I'll bet it's because
she's dieting.

In the last two days,
she's eaten a carrot.

[SOBBING]

Excuse me,

but would you all stand back,

away from the bed?

Air is generally a good thing

for our patients
to get a little of.

Are you the doctor?

No, he's the Good Humor man.

Who do you think he is?

Hello.

Uh, Mrs. Tate,
I'm Dr. Hill.

Hello.

Are you the best?
We want the best.

We don't care how much it costs.

Of course you don't care.
It's not your money.

I'll rob a bank

as long as she gets the best.

And I don't give her the best?

Boys, please.

I'm sure Dr. Hill
is the best.

Second best.

Who's the best?
My father.

We want him.
He's dead.

We'll take you.

Who are all these people?

I am her husband.

I'm, uh, her boyfriend.

And my psychiatrist.

Well, I was her psychiatrist.

I'm her sister.

I'm her daughter.

And I'm, uh...
I'm, uh...

Who am I?

Nobody.

Chester.

Uh, he is my daughters'
boyfriend.

Both my daughters.

My daughter Corinne,
who is here,

and my daughter Eunice,
who's run off with someone else.

If you don't mind, everyone,

I'd like to take
Mrs. Tate's pulse.

Certainly.

Go right ahead.

Then would you mind
letting go of her hand?

He can let go.

He's on your side.

I'm her husband.

Not for long.

Oh, now, boys, boys.

Both of you let go.

Ready?

One, two, three, whoop.

Is it her wrist?

Is something wrong
with her wrist?

Dutch, he's taking her pulse.

Her pulse?

Oh, my God.

[SOBBING]

You're too good-looking
to be a doctor.

You look like
a soap opera doctor.

Are you?

Are you both?

Are you an actor, doctor?

No, Mrs. Tate.

Oh.

Because I think

some of those television actors
who play doctors

are really part-time doctors.

They know everything.

Do you know, Richard Chamberlain

once diagnosed
Chester's gallstones?

Chester was lying on the couch.

He had a pain
in his upper right side.

We were watching Dr. Kildare,

and Richard Chamberlain
said to Raymond Massey,

he said, "He's got a pain
in his upper right side.

It's gallstones."

And that's exactly
what Chester had.

I can't take it.
I can't take it.

Take it easy, Dutch.

It's protein.

She needs protein.

A little cottage cheese,
she'll be a new person.

I can't stand it.

Why her? Why her?

Hmm.

You shouldn't do that.

What?

Look at a patient's chart
and say, "Hmm."

Because if I were
a heart patient,

and you did that,

I'd be dead now.

I'm sorry.

So, what did my tests show?

Well, actually, your tests show
that you need more tests.

More tests?

Oh, my God.

Dutch, pull yourself together.

You're a k*ller, for God's sake.

Something's wrong, isn't it?

Now, Mrs. Tate,

we don't know that for sure.

That's what we're trying
to find out.

No, there's something wrong.

Look, right now,

there's absolutely
nothing to worry about.

Now, I'm going to
call an orderly

to take you downstairs.

Chester?

Yes, Jess?

I want you to move back home.

All right.

I want you to be there
to look after things

while I'm here.

Whatever you say, Jess.

I'll do whatever you say.

I only want one thing...

for you to get well.

That's... That's all I want.

You really do care, don't you?

More than anything in the world.

You have the strangest
way of showing it.

I know.

Okay, Mrs. Tate.

The orderly will
take you down now.

May I go too?

Me too.

All right, you ladies can go,

but you gentlemen
have to stay here.

It'll be all right, darling.

They'll take some tests.

They'll see that you need
carbohydrates.

A few baked potatoes,
she'll be a new person.

Bye.

Bye, Jess.

I'll write.

Mr. Tate,
we're not quite sure

what your wife has,

but certain things
are beginning to emerge.

A picture is forming.

What kind of picture?

We don't know for sure.

Well, what do you think it is?

We think your wife
is a sick woman.

How sick?

Very, very sick.

Oh, God.

I'm sorry, Mr. Tate,

but as soon as we know any more,

we'll talk again.

What kind of answer
is that? "Very sick"?

Now, what does that mean?

Real sick.

I'm a doctor, doctor.

Look, uh, doctor,

if I tell you
what I think it is,

and it is,

you're going to be miserable
for an extra day.

But if I tell you
what I think it is,

and it isn't,

I'm going to look like a jerk.

As soon as I know for sure,
you'll know.

[SOBBING] Oh, God!

I can't take it.

[SOBBING] Oh, God,
I can't stand it.

[SOBBING]

Tails.

Ha ha!
A buck and a half.

Double or nothing.

Yeah. Look at them.

They're wearing a hole
in the rug.

How long is this going to take?

They should've been done
hours ago.

Burt, Burt, they've got to count
all those votes all over again.

It takes a while.

I don't believe it.

I lose by one vote?

One vote, and it's my own?

Can you believe that?

Yeah.

Why doesn't it ring?
Please, why?

You think it's broken?

Well, lift up
the receiver...

Don't touch it!

You lift if up,
they'll get a busy signal.

Well, don't look at it.

You're looking at it too much.

If you watch it, it won't ring.

That's a known fact.

Won't boil.

If you watch it, it won't boil.

I don't think it'll boil
even if you don't watch it.

Not the phone. A pot.

Oh, I thought

it was the phone
you were watching.

I am.

It's the pot you can't watch.

Well, how can I?

I don't even see it.

We're not watching a pot.

We're watching the phone.

Don't. If you watch
it, it won't ring.

It won't boil.
It'll never boil!

Mare.
Hey, Ma.

Mare. How are you?
All right. Come on.

Mare, I... Jessica.
How's Jessica?

She seems okay.

They don't know.
They're doing some tests.

Tests. Great, tests.

A hospital doing tests.

You go in fine,
you come out in an urn.

Mare, get her out of there,
please.

Burt, they have to find out
what she has.

What she has is health, Mary,

and if they find it,
they're going to keep it.

Burt, please,
she's in good hands.

Don't worry.

Tell me, what happened?

Did you win?

Lost, by one vote.

Oh, Burt. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry for you,
but I'm not sorry for me.

And I'm sorry
I'm not really sorry.

Okay.

Uh, but... See, I told them
that the one vote was mine,

and could I please redo it.

They laughed at me.

So I demanded a recount.

The man wants to be sheriff.

He can't punch a ballot,

but he's going to handle a g*n?

Hey, hey, hey, pally.

I was a little nervous.

You going to be calm
in a sh**t-out? Jeez.

[TELEPHONE RINGS] Hey!

Hello?

Yeah, yeah, it's...

Really?

Ooh...

Really?

Really?

Deet...

Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.

Oh no.

Yeah, all right.

Bye.

Prentiss got caught
stuffing the ballot boxes, so...

I won. I am the sheriff.

Hey!

All right!

How about that? Sheriff.

And I get to be deputy,
right, Burt?

Me. Deputy. Me.
Please?

I'm going to be the deputy.

You are not.
I am too.

No, you're not.

Am too!
You are not!

Boys, boys.

Burt, what's the matter?

Well, it's Prentiss.

He... He won't give up
the office.

Yeah, he's holed up
in the armory

with enough weapons

to qualify
as a third world nation.

He says he will not
be taken alive,

and my first assignment is, uh,
to take him.

Let's go get him.

Danny, uh, this Prentiss,

he won gold medals
for marksmanship,

and he is now

in a fortified stone building.

On second thought,

I don't want to be deputy, no.

Uh, too short. Yeah.

Uh, have a good time.

I wish we had horses.

That would really be great.

Burt, you're not
going to do this.

You're not going to go.
You'll get k*lled.

Mare, I've got to do it.
I mean, I'm... I'm the sheriff.

What am I going to do,
say, "I don't like scary work,"

and give them back the star?

Yes.
You'll talk to them.

You'll tell them
you'll be a very bad sheriff,

because your wife
is a very nervous person

who is expecting a baby.

I can't do that.

Why not?

I am the sheriff, Mare.

I mean, they elected me.

I mean, it's...
I gotta serve.

It's... Mary,
come on, listen.

Hey, this is, what? Nothing.

There's nothing to
worry about here, Mare.

I love you too much to get hurt.

This is...
This is really a breeze.

This is fine.

I just thought the job
would be mostly parades,

that's all.

Let's go.

Are you crazy?

You're not going too.

Go to your room.

I don't live here anymore.

Then go home
and go to your room.

Ma, I have to go.

I'm the deputy,

and wherever Sheriff Burt goes,

Deputy Dan follows.

Mare. Come on, Mare.

This is nothing, here.

We'll be home in time for grub.

First, we've got to
stop by the store

and buy a g*n.

[MIXER WHIRRING]

[REVS MIXER]

Dutch, what are you doing?

Hi, Corinne.

I'm making a cake.

It's : in the morning.

I know.
I cook better in the dark.

Besides, Sandy don't let me
mess around here in the daytime.

You going somewhere?

Away.

Any particular reason?

I can't stay here no more.

Is it Eunice?

You're going looking for Eunice?

No.

It's just that I ain't got
nothing to do here anymore.

Sandy does the cooking.
I don't have a job.

I'm sort of useless.

But this is your home.

Corinne, I've been a lot
of things in my life,

and some of them,
I ain't too proud of,

but useless...
I've never been that.

But you belong here.

You'll find a job.

I'll help you.

Oh, Corinne,

you've got enough
to worry about.

Your mother's in the hospital,
and you've got a baby.

I was kind of hoping you'd
stick around, and, well...

"Well" what?

Be a friend to Timmy.

He really likes you.

I like him too.

He's a great little guy.

I got to go, though.

I love you.

I love you.

Earth to Dutch.

Earth to Dutch.
Come in, Dutch.

You do?

What, you think I sleep with you

because you make

a terrific veal scaloppini?

I love you.

I... I don't know.

I just...
fell in love.

You did?

How come?

I don't know.

No reason.

None, really.

I mean, you're good
and kind and loving,

and you listen to me
when I talk,

and you do actually make
a hell of a veal scaloppini.

Should I go upstairs
and unpack, or what?

Oh, dear.

[CLEARS THROAT]

[CLEARS THROAT]

See here,
it's : in the morning.

Can't you do that
someplace else?

Hi, Sandy.

Did we wake you?

You woke me
approximately three hours ago

when the plaster started to fall
from my ceiling.

I thought we were being hit
by bazookas.

Good God,

did you have to move your act
down to the kitchen?

Dutch was making a cake.

I haven't had a chance
to clean it up yet.

This is absolutely incredible.

Yeah, it is a little
messy, ain't it?

Messy?

It looks
like Betty Crocker exploded.

Please, get out of here

before I say something
I'll regret...

although I strongly doubt it.

Maybe we'd better
go back upstairs

and get out of Sandy's hair.

Dutch...

Yeah, honey?

You didn't tell me
that you loved me.

My dear girl, after tonight,

all of Connecticut
knows he loves you.

Come and look at the cake.

It was supposed to be
a going-away cake.

"Dear Corinne...

"This is short,

"on account of there
ain't much room on this ting.

I lobe you."

Aw, Dutch.

"Lobe"?

I couldn't find
a little chocolate "V."

If you don't get out of here,

you're going to find
a big chocolate fist.

Hi, Dallas.
Mallu...

Look, I know I'm late.
I know it.

Don't start in, okay?

I lost a heel.

The judge has been out
three times already.

$ for black wingtips,

can you imagine?

Mallu!
Okay. I've got news. Good news. All good.

She's decided to drop the case?

There were two different judges
assigned to the case.

I challenged both of them.

Hanging Henry Potkins

and f*g-baiting Flanagan.

Both out.

Who'd we get?

Sarah Carver.

She's crazy about me.

Do anything for me. Ask.

Embarrassing at parties.

Never mind.

Which reminds me,
how's your Aunt Jessica?

Forget it.

E. Ronald Mallu,
we meet at last.

F. Peter Haversham.

E. Ronald.

F. Peter.

E.

F.

This is big. Ask me why.

Why?

High noon, kid.

Showdown at Bear Creek.

Together for
the first time. Big.

This guy's never been beaten.

Gosh, I wish they had
some cameras in here.

Can you b*at him?

What?

Of course I can.

If anyone can, I can,
but he's good.

He once defended a woman

who wanted the custody
of her child.

He made her look
like Joan of Arc.

But you said the mother
usually wins anyway, right?

Not if she's on death row
at the time.

Why was she there?

Cannibalism.

Don't worry.

I'll b*at him.

We'll make the O.K. Corral
look like a pillow fight.

Listen, when you're done
with your Gary Cooper movie,

try to remember that my daughter
is the issue here,

and not your career.

If I lose, you lose, kid.
Don't forget that.

All rise.

Okay, here we go.

Sarah will take one look at me

and throw Haversham
out the window.

Of course, it'll mean
dinner and dancing,

but what the hell?

I'm gonna destroy you, Mallu.

Twit.

Oh, my God.

Problem?

We're in the crapper.

That could be a problem.

Well, well, well.

E. Ronald Mallu,
champion of the oppressed.

Hi, Betty.

"Your Honor," if you please.

What's going on here?

Bad Luck Betty Small.

Used to be prosecutor.

I humiliated her times.

She must be real fond of you.

Mr. Mallu,
whenever you're finished.

May I approach the bench?

Approach.

What happened to Sarah?

Judge Carver
was arrested last night

for indecent exposure.

I hope Your Honor
can forget the past

and remain unbiased.

Look, Mallu,

Your Honor's quite aware
of the way you operate.

Operate?

Mm-hm. Twisting words,
disgracing witnesses,

using cheap, vulgar theatrics,

turning this courtroom
into your own private sideshow.

Just sit down.

We're golden.

Hi, Betty.

Hi, Petey.

Petey?

May counsel approach
the bench again?

Make it fast.

Carol...

What are you doing?

Carol, I'm going to ask you
one last time.

Don't do this. It's wrong.

Get away from me, Jodie.

Carol, Wendy and I are one now.

You can't take her away from me.

She doesn't even know you.

Tell that to the judge.

You don't even know
what you're doing.

You're gonna destroy her, Carol.

You're gonna destroy
your own child,

and she'll never forgive you.

Go back over there and sit down.

She won't accept my challenge.

She loves him, hates me.

God, this is exciting.

What?

I feel for the first time,
I could actually lose one.

Will the plaintiff
take the stand, please?

I don't believe this.

She's wearing
her confirmation dress.

What did you expect,
a G-string, for God sakes?

Still drinking, eh?

Now, Ms. David,
would you tell the court

why are you not with your
daughter at this time?

Because she
deserted her. Shh!

I asked my mother

to take Wendy to New York

so she could have
a visit with her daddy.

I, uh...

I just wanted her to know that,

whatever happened
between Mr. Dallas and myself,

she still had a father.

What?

What happened

when your mother went
to pick your child up?

Mr. Dallas and, uh,
a group of...

A group of what, Ms. David?

A group of h*m*
threatened to k*ll me

if I ever came back
for her again.

That's a lie! My God!

Mr. Dallas!
That's a lie!

Mr. Dallas, you're in contempt.

She's in contempt of everything
that's decent and honest.

Mr. Dallas...

And you, Your Honor.
What does this contest of egos

have to do with my child?

No. This trial
is about us, not you.

Sit down.

Carol...

Mr. Dallas,
may I remind you

that contempt is a crime.

This court is not in the habit

of awarding custody of children
to criminals.

Now, you either be quiet,

or I'll not hear your case
at all.

Sorry, judge.
He's fine.

She's lying.
Take it easy.

He's just a little excited.

Take it easy.
She's lying.

We beg the court's pardon.

Now, go ahead, darling.

ANNOUNCER:
What will happen

now that Carol
has lied in court?

Will her nose grow?

Now that Sheriff Prentiss
says he won't be taken alive,

how will Burt take him?

Or will he take Burt?

Now that Dutch and Corinne
are happily in love,

what will happen to mess it up?

And what is the doctor
not telling anyone?

What is the matter with Jessica?

These questions and many others
will be answered

on the next episode of... Soap.

Soap is videotaped
before a studio audience.

[♪]