04x01 - Episode 1

[bunniefuu]

ANNOUNCER:
This is the story of two sisters,

Jessica Tate

and Mary Campbell.

These are the Tates,

and these are the Campbells,

and this is...
Soap.

[ALL SHOUTING]

Now, Jessica, I'm gonna play
a little game with you

to test your mental capacities.

Oh!

Any sevens?

Go fish.

Swine.

Twit.

[MUFFLED GRUNTS]

Don't tell him what
I've got in my hand,

you idiot.

Now, Jessica,

how many fingers do I have?

Ten.

No, I mean
how many am I holding up?

Uh...

Jessica, this test only works

if you look at my hand.

It's too easy that way.

You see, it's more
of a challenge

if I have my eyes closed.

That's true.

Okay, here we have this box...

Mm-hmm.

And as you can see,

there are many
different-shaped objects...

Mm-hmm.
And they all fit into

their corresponding holes.

Now, you have seconds

to put all of the objects
into the correct holes.

Are you ready?
Mm-hmm.

Go!

What now?

Uh... now, Jess,

I want you to tell me

which of these items
doesn't belong with the rest.

I have no idea.

I didn't ask you yet.

Oh, I guess that's why.

Ace, king, queen, TV Guide.

Ace.

Mallu, be quiet!

Wrong.

The king of television
is Milton Berle.

The queen of television
is Lucille Ball.

You idiot. They're cards.

Especially Uncle Miltie.

Oh, this is fun.

Jessica, you're a delight.

I love you.

I wanna spend the rest
of my life taking care of you.

Well, I hope you have
better games than this to play.

Jessica, will you marry me?

Thought you'd just slip
that one on by, eh, fellow?

Thought I wouldn't
hear you, huh?

Marry me, Jessica.

[GRUNTS]

Jessica, Jessica, Jessica.

I hear your name,
I'm all aflame.

Round and round I go,
down and down I go.

Please.

[MUFFLED] Jessica,
please marry me.

Boys.

[MUFFLED GRUNTS]

Easy for you to say.

Get away from her, Mallu.

We'll go away,
just the two of us.

We'll marry, have a family.

She has a family.

We'll have small animals.

We'll adopt.

Don't pay any attention
to these lunatics, Jess.

I'm your husband.

I'm the one you should marry.

You can't propose to her,
you idiot.

You're already married to her.

Yes, but she threw me out
of the house,

I think. Did you?

I did.

See?

What do you say, Jess?

Jessica, I can give you love.

I've never stopped loving you,
Jess.

Your husband can't get a job.

He's got a record.

Mallu wears a rug.

Did you know that?

You'll stoop to anything,
won't you, Tate?

[MUFFLED GRUNTING]

[ALL SHOUTING]

I hate you.

I hate you.

Double, double, double.

Boys.

Get off the floor.

[GROANING]

And get him up too.

[GROANING]

Now, listen to me.

I love you all,

but I can't marry all of you.

Yes, you can.

I have some very influential

Mormon friends.

I don't want to marry anyone.

Listen, when I d*ed,

I had a lot of time
to think about my life,

and I decided then and there

if I ever got a chance
to live again,

I was going to do

a few things differently,

and one of the differences

would be that none of you
would be with me.

So that's your final decision?

Yes.

[MUFFLED] Are you sure?

Quite sure.

I'm sorry, but this is my life.

You see, you'll never be able
to understand

what happened to me,

but I'm never going to be
the same as I was.

I liked myself before,

but now I like myself
even better.

So if you'll excuse me,
gentlemen,

I'd like to take a stroll

down the hall.

Ta.

I got the solution!

We tell Tibbs,

go ahead and publish

those pictures of you and me
and the six naked women.

That's a solution?

Yeah... because nobody's gonna
see the newspapers.

You and me will buy them all up.

You mean you and me
will go all over town

putting quarters
in the vending machines,

then go to every liquor store,

every drug store,
every grocery store?

I didn't say it would be easy.

I've got the solution.

What?

We fold.

Perkins, cancel that APB
we got out on Tibbs.

That's it.
You heard me.

I can't stand

knuckling under like this.

Oh, no? Yeah?

What about
your mother and Polly?

Can we let them look
at that kind of filth?

Give me that.

Okay, okay.

I guess not,

but if we give in,
we'll be in Tibbs' pocket.

Hi.

Is this a bad time?

Well, not that it's ever really
a good time for a sheriff.

Crime never sleeps.

But this is as good a time
as any, so hello.

Hiya, Burt.

Danny, do you think
we could talk a minute?

Oh, my God.

Has this got anything to do
with me and six naked women?

Oh, listen, I'm gonna
leave you two alone here

to talk.

I have some crime to stop.

Hey.

I'm glad you came by.

Thanks.

Oh, boy, this is really hard.

What?

I'm not gonna marry you, Danny.

Okay... Okay.

Okay, so we won't get
married now.

We'll just keep living together,

and when we're ready,
we'll get...

No.

No?

No.

What are you saying, Polly?

What, Polly?

I'm not in love with you, Danny.

You're not in love with me?

I love you.

I love you a lot,

but I'm not in love with you,
Danny.

There's a difference.

Yeah. Yeah, I know that.

I know there's a difference,
love and in love, yeah.

There's a difference,
but, Polly...

Danny, see, when I met you,

I had just lost someone
that I was in love with,

and you were kind and loving

and wonderful,

and I needed you
to fill that emptiness,

and I think that I confused that

with falling in love with you.

I can't believe
you're saying this to me.

And I'm really sorry, Danny.

I guess I just wasn't ready,
and I didn't realize it

until I thought about
the two of us getting married.

I'm sorry, Danny.

I'm really, really sorry.

Listen, it's, uh...

It's better.

Better?

Yeah, yeah.

See, I don't know
how ready I really am.

I was...

I was having second thoughts

about the whole thing.

I was just saying to Burt
before you came in here,

"Burt, I don't know
if I wanna marry Polly."

It's exactly what we were saying
when you came in.

Small world, huh?

Yeah, so, listen,

I'll finish up here,

and I'll come home and...

To the house.

And pack up my stuff and go.

I'll always care about you,
Danny.

Well, then, I'll see you later.

Ma?

Oh, hi, darling.

Come in.

I didn't wake you, did I?

Oh, no, Corinne.

I don't sleep here.

It's too dangerous.

The woman in fell asleep

and woke up
without a gallbladder.

See, they were supposed to take
's gallbladder,

but they took by mistake,

and then they took 's spleen
instead of ,

and when I closed my eyes
to take a nap,

they took my Jell-O.

So you can forget
about sleeping here.

Oh, thank you.

How are you?

Okay.

I know what happened with Dutch.

Ah, what can you do?

So how do you feel?

Not great.

Well, I am not going
to tell you something like,

"There are plenty of fish
in the sea,"

because when Daddy and I
split up,

someone told me that,

and I sat around a whole day,

wondering why
she thought seafood would help.

So I am not going to
tell you that,

but I will tell you one thing.

No matter how terrible
you feel now,

you'll feel better.

I know.

Ma, I've decided
to go to California.

Oh, that's nice. A trip
will be good for you.

To live.

To live?

Yeah.

Oh, Corinne,

you do not want
to live in California.

It's grotesque.

Corinne, they have earthquakes
and fires and mudslides

and crazy people.

I have to get away, Ma.

But so far?

I'll call you all the time.
I promise.

Oh, I hate long-distance calls,

because it makes you sound
so close

when you're really not.

You know
that phone company commercial

that says,
"Reach out and touch someone?"

Well, you hang up the phone,
and there's no one there.

So depressing.

I hate it.
It makes me feel so sad.

So you'll call every day?

Ma, I'll call, and I'll write,

and I'll send pictures
of the baby,

and I'll come home for holidays.

And birthdays.

Whose?

Everyone's.

Ma.

This is very hard for me,
Corinne.

It's hard for me to go.

I'm scared.

I know.

I was terrified
when I left home,

and I only moved
two blocks away.

But you'll do just fine.

You're the spunky one.

You inherited my spunk.

You got Daddy's eyes
and my spunk.

But I'm adopted.

I see.

Then you inherited it
after birth.

It happens all the time,
Corinne.

My goodness, I was an adult

before I inherited
my mother's furniture.

I'm gonna miss you, Ma.

You know what's funny?

I have been preparing
for this moment

since the day
you took your first step,

and I'm not prepared at all.

But I'll call,
and I'll write so much, you...

You'll hear more from me
than when I'm home.

Won't be the same,
because, you know,

when a child leaves home,

that child is gone for good.

And when they're little,

and they let go of your hand...

they never take it again.

But that's the way
it's gotta be.

That's called growing up.

It's just that
a lot of the growing pains

are felt by the parents.

I love you, Ma.

I know.

I love you too.

I know.

[LAUGHS]

Well... I guess
I'd better go now.

Goodbye, Ma.

Goodbye.

My little girl.

[SNIFFLES]

[CRIES]

Danny, we've been through this

a hundred times.

If we stand up to Tibbs,

and those pictures
get published, we're through,

and if we're through, we can't
legally bring Tibbs in for anything,

because we won't be the law
anymore.

He'll find some yes man,
make him sheriff.

He'll do anything he wants.

If we give in,

at least we stay in office.

We can solve some
of the problems in this city.

Maybe we can't touch Tibbs,
but at least that.

We gotta give in, Dan.

Do you know what I'm saying?

I'm sorry, Burt.

I wasn't listening.

What did you say?

Never mind, Dan.

I'm dead, Burt.

I'm dead from the waist up.

It's hard to hear
when your brain has passed away.

Nobody knows that better
than you, Dan.

When she left me, I d*ed.

I got nothing
to not be dead for.

Look, Danny, I'm sorry.

Come on, I know you feel bad,

and I feel lousy too,

but we can't let your mother
know how we feel.

She needs our support now.

Okay. Okay, Burt,
don't worry about me.

I'm gonna be cheery.

I'm gonna be pleasant and merry.

Attaguy.

♪ I'm gonna live Till I die ♪

♪ I'm gonna laugh Till I cry ♪

[MUMBLING,
SLURRING]

This is a wonderful,
wonderful day.

Whoo.

He's loaded.

He drank a whole
bottle of Chivas.

I am so glad

we got our little
bitty baby back.

Our little...
Little...

Wendy-Wendy-Wendy-
Wendy-Wendy...

And we got another
little bitty...

Little bitty baby too.

Our little...
Our little...

Uh, what's his name?

Bob.

Bob, yeah.

Bob? You named him
after me?

Oh, what
a wonderful name. Bob.

You guys are just wonderful,

wonderful.

Bob, the baby's name is Scott.

Scott?

What the hell
kind of name is Scott?

It happens he was named after

my great-grandfather.

No kidding.

What was his name?

Danny, help me
with the camera, will you, please?

Okay, okay.

I'll get a sound check
on this thing.

Chuck, give me a little voice,
would you?

Oh, yeah. Testing,
one, two, three.

Testing.

Okay, good.

Everything's coming through
loud and clear.

Danny, this isn't
the sound camera.

That's funny.

I heard every word.

You know, sometimes
he's really frightening.

Please, now, listen.
You gotta remember this.

This is a party. This is
a welcome home party

for your mother and Wendy
and Scott and everybody.

Not one word about Tibbs.

Who's Tibbs?

Never mind. Nobody.

My love has left me.

My life is over.

I'm gonna worry about Tibbs?

That's good.

Let's just keep up
that party spirit.

She doesn't love me anymore,
Chuck.

Hey, I'm sorry, Dan.

Oh, she loves me.

She's not in love with me.

You know what I mean?

Exactly.

The thing is, who cares?

Hey, guys? Guys?

You will never, ever guess

what Wendy did before.

Give up?

What's the matter
with everybody?

Oh, hey, no, Jodie, no, what?

We're fine, Danny, right?
Everything's really...

It's okay.
Yeah, yeah, listen, it's...

It's not what you think.

No one's being blackmailed

or considering su1c1de.

Good. I was concerned.

Jodie, come here.

Listen, I-I'm so glad

that our little bitty baby
is back.

Our little...

Our little...

There he goes.

Wendy-Wendy-Wendy-Wendy.

I mean, just think,

we got us another
little bitty baby too.

I'm so very happy.

I'm glad.

Tomorrow, I drown myself.

Danny, Danny...

What is wrong with everybody?

Nothing, nothing.

Hi.

Hey, Mare.
Look, Danny, look.

Your Mom. Mom's here.

[CHEERFUL] Hi, Mom.

Happy to see me?

Happy isn't the word.

Nuts is closer.

He just woke up.

Oh, Scotty, Scotty.

Mare, Mare, stay right there.

We'll get a picture right away.

Okay, here we go.

And... all right,
action.

[CAMERA WHIRRING]

This is a movie camera.

You got to move a little bit.

Oh, Burt, isn't this wonderful?

Isn't this the happiest day
of your life?

The happiest, Mare.

There's no doubt about it,
right, Danny?

Hey, it's great, terrific.

Tomorrow, I take poison.

[CRYING]

Oh, there's Wendy.
She's up.

Let's take a picture
with both babies.

Okay.

The queen has arisen.

Well, you'd know.

This is great stuff.
This is all great stuff.

Danny, get in there.
Come on. Get in.

Mare, go over underneath
the sign over here.

Easy.

Oh, that's great.

That's terrific.

Now, now smile.

Smile, Danny, smile.

I am smiling.

[TELEPHONE RINGING]

All right, wait.

Cut. Cut.

Hello?

It's, uh, what's-his-name
here.

Yeah, yeah, yeah,
we received them.

Well, the ball
is sort of in your court now,

don't you think?

Who's he talking to?

Bjorn Borg.

What?

Hey, what is...

What am I doing?

What am I doing here?

Listen, you little creep.

Go ahead and publish them.

Yeah, no, hey,

I know exactly
what I'm saying here.

I'm sick and tired
of honest people like us

knuckling under
to filth like you.

Yeah, that's the final word.

No, wait.

I got a lot more
to say to you, pal.

[MOUTHING]

Wrong number.

Burt.

Mare, please,
now, don't ask, okay?

Now, it's...
It's police work.

There's no problem.

It's just that
it's very top-secret.

Isn't that right, Dan?
Right.

Danny, what's going on?

Truth, Ma.

The moment of truth is here.

Nothing else matters anymore.

I gotta meet
the enemy head-on,

one to one.

My life is fighting crime now.

I gotta make the world safe

for little people like this.

JODIE:
Ma! Burt!

Okay, let's go.

Come ahead.

Okay. Action!

[CAMERA WHIRRING]

Jodie, what is it?

Wendy's been kidnapped.

MARY:
What?

BURT:
Oh, my God.

ANNOUNCER:
Now that Polly has left Danny for good,

will Danny assume she doesn't
wanna see him anymore?

Now that Corinne's
left home for good,

will she find happiness
in California?

Or at least a terrific deli?

Since Jessica has told the guys

none of them can be with her,

will they continue
to play cards together?

Will Tibbs publish
the naked pictures of Burt and Danny,

and if so,

will they be available
in wallet size?

And who kidnapped Wendy,

and why?

These questions and many others

will be answered
in the next episode of... Soap.

[♪]