04x02 - Episode 2

[bunniefuu]

ANNOUNCER:
This is the story of two sisters,

Jessica Tate

and Mary Campbell.

These are the Tates,

and these are the Campbells.

And this is Soap.

[ALL CLAMORING]

[♪]

Yeah, but...

Yeah, but...

But... But...

Yeah, but...
What?

But...
What?

What?
What?

What?
What?

What?!... But...
What?

All right.
Yeah, no. Yeah, well.

No, thanks.
Thanks anyway.

What did he say?

It's not terrific.

Burt, tell me.

Well, it's a little sketchy,

but it's not hopeless.

Burt, would you just tell me?

Carol can take the baby...

and there isn't
a thing on this earth

you can do about it.

That's not hopeless?

Jodie, when a parent takes her
own child out of state,

doesn't ask for ransom,
its not kidnapping.

What if she's still
in the state?

Could you do something then?

Jodie, please.
I hardly think a person

would snatch their kid
and take in a matinee.

Burt, are you going to help me?

Damn it!

You're mad, right?

No, no, I'm not mad.

I'm going to k*ll her, Burt!

I'm going to k*ll her!

You k*ll... You can't k*ll...
No k*ll!

You said you
weren't going to do anything.

That is not true, I did not say
I wasn't going to do anything.

Now, sit down.

I just said
I couldn't do anything.

Jodie, come on.
The law's the law.

Tell me what
the D.A. said.

To hell
with the D.A.

What if it was
the D.A.'s kid, huh?

It's the same
difference here. No, it's not.

All right, big news.

We are talking big.
What?

I just got this kidnap note
back from the lab.

Yeah, well, what did they say?

That's not important,

its what they said
that's important.

Like?

Like the note was analyzed

and discovered
to be written on paper

with a pen of some kind.

But...

there were no fingerprints,

no hairs, no...
No makeup traces,

no identifying marks
of any kind.

So?

So...

if Carol hadn't signed it,

we wouldn't have known
it was her.

I can't believe this,
I got to go.

Jodie, there's nothing
legally I can do.

Well, there is something
that I can do.

What?

Find her, that's what.

Find her. Of course!

Danny, please. This...

Burt, I'll find Carol
and I'll k*ll her,

and then I'm going to find Tibbs
and I'm going to k*ll him,

and then you can find me
and k*ll me.

Why would I k*ll you?

Well, I don't know, it's just
in the planning stages.

Who's this Tibbs
you're talking about?

No, no. It's nobody.
It's nothing.

A cat.
Mrs. Schlockmeis' cat.

Tearing up the azaleas.
Makes Danny crazy.

Get out of here.

Burt?
It's nothing.

It's a little routine blackmail.

Happens to sheriffs
all the time.

Don't worry about it.

Let's just concentrate
on getting Wendy back.

First things first.

Let's all calm down.

Not going to solve anything
flying off walls.

You're right, Burt.

It's just,
I don't know what to do.

Don't lose faith.
That's one thing we can't do.

Don't lose faith.

We'll find a way, I promise you.

That's my own granddaughter
we're talking about.

You're right, Burt.
I'm sorry.

We'll think of something.

I got it!
Oh! Heh...

It's so simple,
I'm surprised I thought of it.

What?

We find Carol.

We call her up,

and we tell her that she
nabbed the wrong baby

and when she comes back

to make the switch...
Whammo!

I got to go, I just got to go.

Jodie, come on.

No, listen.
Fellas, listen.

I understand that there is
nothing legal that you can do,

and I don't blame you, okay?

Believe me, I don't blame you.

I just have to do this
my own way.

What are you going to do, Jodie?

Jodie, be careful.

Poor guy.

Oh, I feel terrible,

but there's nothing I can do.

I couldn't cross the state line

and bring her back
for kidnapping

even if it was kidnapping.

Oh, what a mess.

Leslie is trying to k*ll Billy,
Tibbs is blackmailing us,

Jodie wants to k*ll Carol.

Why is it all the crimes
in this town

seem to be in my own family?

[♪]

Ta-da!

Here we are!

Oh, oh!

Oh, it's lovely to be home.

Hello, Saunders.

Hello, Mrs. Tate.

Welcome home.

Oh! That's lovely,
thank you.

No.

No?
No.

Oh.

Oh, Mother, it's just so good

to have you home again.

Thank you, Eunice.

It's nice to be here too.

And so much has happened.

I have to catch up on it all.

Well, Leslie has been...

Billy,

I don't think we should mention
the m*rder attempts,

we don't want to upset Mother.

I'll handle it.
You can trust me.

So, Billy, what's new with you?

Nothing is new.
What could be new? Not a thing.

Everything's old,
you didn't miss a thing,

I have nothing new to report.

Billy, I think
you made your point.

Right, Dad.

Daddy, what's new with you?

I met a girl in France.

She promised to fly
to America and be my bride

when the w*r is over.

Major, the w*r has been over
for years.

Really?

Mm-hm.

I'd better get to the airport.

Hope she ate on the plane.

Mother?
Hm?

Dutch and I
have something to tell you.

Really?
We saved the biggest for last.

Oh, what is it Eunice?

We're getting married.
Oh!

Eunice, that's wonderful.

Chester, isn't that wonderful?

Oh, my goodness. A wedding
in this house. How brilliant!

Chester!

Dad, what are you doing?

Sorry, I lost my head.

Princess, did you say "marry"?

Right in this house, Daddy.

Oh, Chester, isn't it wonderful?

A wedding in this house.
You know, Eunice,

Grandma and Grandpa
were married here,

Aunt Mary and her first husband
were married here,

my first husband and I
were married here...

Which of course is Chester,

and, actually, he still is
my first husband.

For now, anyway.

And now you and Dutch
are marrying here.

Oh, it's going to be wonderful.

I won't allow it!
I will not allow it.

But, big guy, gee whiz!

What do you mean?

First of all, he is
an unemployed ex-convict

who was incarcerated for m*rder.

Secondly, he eats
with his hands.

Now, Chester,
you're a m*rder*r too.

Yes, but my manners
are impeccable.

That is not fair.

We're in love,

and we're going to get married

with or without your blessing.

Oh, ho! Blessing?
I was working on a hex.

Chester, stop it.

Hold it, everybody.

I understand how the big guy
feels, and he's right.

Everything he says
about me is right.

The only thing I can say is...

I love your little girl,
big guy,

and I'll take good care of her.

I really love her.
And I love you too.

And I'd be honored
if you'd be my best man.

I can't be your best man.

I'm the bride's father.
I have to give Eunice away...

Oh.

To you.

[SOBBING]

My little girl.

Mother,

aren't you happy for me?

Oh, Eunice,

I'm... relieved.

I mean, I realize
it's none of my business,

but I did feel
a little uncomfortable

when you were fooling around.

But now that I know
you're getting married,

I guess the fooling around
wasn't really fooling around,

it was just sort of practice.

Yeah, we fooled around a lot.

Dutch!

Oh, big guy,

there's only one more thing

that I would like
to have happen.

And if it happened,

I'd be the happiest guy
in the whole U.S.A.

Me too, only it would have to
look like an accident.

If I could just call you Dad,
you could call me son.

Dad, come on.
Get ahold of yourself.

Ahem. Sorry.

I'm behaving like a fool.

Of course I'm delighted.

When's the happy day?

Next week, Daddy.

[GROWLS]

Chester!

Oh!

Oh! Sorry.

I'm all right. I'm fine.
I'm just overwhelmed.

I always wanted my princess
to have a proper wedding.

News coverage,

dignitaries, surrounded
by senators and congressmen.

Next week, my little girl
will be married

and I'll be surrounded by people
named Blackie and Cheech.

Okay, this time
I'm really going to do it.

Oh, God. Not again!

This is like living on
the Lebanese border.

Leslie, when are you going to
knock this off?

Billy, don't make trouble, okay?

Leslie, how are you dear?

Oh, hi, Mrs. Tate.

Oh, you look wonderful.

Oh, thank you.

Oh, I was so worried.

I was going to send you a card,

but I was afraid they might
try and trace it.

Well, it's a lovely
thought, dear.

Oh, well, I'm so glad
you're home. Welcome back.

I'm going to have to
blow you up now.

All right, dear.

Leslie, this is insane.

What did you say,
you gutless twit?

Nothing, nothing.
Not a thing.

Gutless twit?

Funny.

[UNEASY LAUGHTER]

Well, say your prayers, people,

'cause we're all
going up together.

[GASPING]

Dutch.

My God.

Oh, no!

[SQUEALING] Goodbye, dear.

Dutch, that was amazing.

I guess it was a dud.

Dutch, I hardly know
what to say, except...

that was the bravest,
most selfless thing

I've ever seen.

Hey, it was a dud.

Yes, but you didn't know that.

I've been very wrong
about you, Dutch, I'm sorry.

As for marrying my little girl,

I'd be honored to have you
join our family, son.

Big guy.

Dad!

You're crushing my pencils.

Oh!

Uh...

Saunders.

Yes.

Would you dispose
of this thing, please?

Not a chance.

Back away, men.

I've had experience
with these babies.

I shall deactivate her.

Billy, how long
has this been going on?

Going on?
What, Ma?

How long has Leslie
been trying to blow you up?

It's the first time.
I can't understand it.

Damndest thing.
It may be a phase.

Billy.

[expl*si*n]

Daddy?

Well, it's deactivated.

Mrs. Tate,
I shall now

be taking your father
to the hospital.

Whenever you're ready,
dinner is on the stove.

The stove, however,
is in the pool.

[♪]

[♪]

Jess.

Hi, Mary.
How are you?

Jess.

You are already said that, Mary.

Is something wrong?

Oh, Jess.
Something's wrong.

Oh, Jessie, Jessie.

Oh, Mary, Mary.

Here, sit down.

Now, don't say a word.

Just sit, collect yourself,

take a deep breath.

[INHALES]

Now, tell me.

Oh, Jess!

This is not going well.

I can't...
I can't stand it.

After all I've been through,
how could he?

How could he?

I can't really say, Mary.

After all he's put me through.

Impotence, infidelity,
invisibility.

The three I's.

And now this.
What?

This.

Oh, Jess!

If only you knew
what was in here.

It would make it easier
to have this conversation.

This is something, Jess.
This is really something.

Oh, tell me, Mary!

I can't.

If I tell you something,
will you tell me something?

But you don't have anything
like this something.

Well, I don't know anything
about your something,

but I've got something.

What?

Chester and I are going
to be divorced.

No.

Yes.

Oh, Jessica. Divorce!

Well, that's something.

I told you.

But it's nothing
compared to this.

Hm.
Get ready.

My, oh, my, oh, my.

It's p*rn.

Not only that, Mary,
no one has any clothes on.

Well, Burt is very, uh...

handsome.

How could he do this, Jess?

I don't know, I never could.

Well, I couldn't, could you?

Could I what?

Well, you know,
in a group of people...

I mean, I'd be too embarrassed.

I have trouble getting up
to play charades.

Do you ever get embarrassed?

Oh, well, no.
Not embarrassed.

I worry sometimes
that I look a little silly.

I know, like when you lean over
and your face falls.

Falls?

Oh, sure!

That's why I make sure
I am never in a position

where I am leaning over someone,
if you know what I mean.

Your face falls?

Sure, look.
Look at this.

Oh, God, Jess!

You look awful.

Is that how I look?

Well, you wouldn't
have the red hair,

but you'd look awful.

I had no idea.

You see, then if you
lean back this way,

everything falls nicely back.

You look years younger.

I see.

I just wish that
they had come up

with a more dignified way
to do the entire thing.

I could never be in a group,
I'm too competitive.

Look at that woman,
she's gorgeous. Mm.

I mean, I am sorry
she lives on this planet.

Ha, ha, ha.
She is beautiful.

Of course,
I don't think they're real.

They're not?

In that position?
Please.

Nothing stands up like that,
except the Himalayas.

But, Mary, if they're not real,
what are they?

Silicone.

Silicone?

Isn't that what my frying pans
are made of?

That's Teflon.

Oh!

Oh, Jess, what am I going to do?

Talk to him, Mary.

I'm sure that there's
some explanation for this.

What possible explanation
could there be?

Maybe Burt was trying
to separate them.

Jessica, where are his clothes?

Maybe it was a nudist colony.

Perhaps Burt had to break up
a fight in a nudist colony.

Jessica, he's smiling.

Of course he is, Mary.

He's having his picture taken.

I'm going to k*ll him.

Oh, Mary!

I'm going to leave him.

I'm going to divorce him,
and I'm going to k*ll him.

Mary, talk to him.

I'm sure there must be
some reason for this.

You just talk to him,

then if you don't
like his answers,

then you can k*ll him.

[♪]

[SINGING QUIETLY]

Oh! Chester,
this is my bedroom.

Yes, and it hasn't been the same
without you, Jess.

Hm.

Oh...

So good to have you
back home again.

Thank you very much, Chester.

Now, will you kindly
put your shoes back on?

They'll get the sheets dirty,
Jess.

You are not going
to sleep in those sheets.

I threw you out, remember?

Oh, Jess!

You didn't mean that, did you?

I did.

Jess, you can't throw me out.

Oh, no?

Wait a minute.

Let me understand this.

What you're saying is,
we're finished.

That's right, Chester.

[SOBBING] Oh, no!

Chester.

I'm fine.
I'm strong.

I can take this.

So let me get this straight.

What you are in essence saying

is that it's over, is that it?

That's it, Chester.

What am I gonna do?
Where am I gonna go?

Where? Where?
Oh, God, where?

Chester, Chester.

I'm fine. I'm okay.
I'm an ox.

I'm fine.

Don't worry. I'm leaving.
I'll be okay.

Oh, help me, help me!

God, please don't leave me.

Now, just calm yourself down,
Chester.

Calm. Calm.
Yes, I'm calm.

Look. A calm person.

Now, Chester, I have
thought about this

and I want to make this
as easy on you as possible.

Therefore, until you have gotten

entirely on your feet,

I have decided
to let you stay...

Thank you! Thank you!
Thank you! Thank you!

Chester.

Yes.

Chester, I'm prepared to let you
stay in the pool house.

The pool...?

The pool house?

The pool house.

Jess, the pool house
has a concrete floor.

Well, it needs
a little fixing up,

but it could be quite cozy.

Jess, that's where guests change
to use the pool.

Well, we don't have
all that many guests,

and when we do,
that might be fun for you.

Oh, psh.

Anyway, Chester,
I know how proud you are,

and I know that you would
never accept charity,

so I've decided
to let you pay rent.

Rent?

Well, of course, if you don't
want to pay rent,

or if you can't pay rent,

you can work it off
by cleaning the pool

or doing a little gardening.

Gardening?

Uh-huh.

You mean digging?
In dirt?

Dirt digging?

That's it.

You really mean this,
don't you, Jess?

Yes, Chester.

Very well, Jess.

I hate sleeping alone.

I'm scared to sleep alone.

I don't wanna be alone.

Chester.

Right, right.

I'm fine.

I'm fine.

I'll get my things tomorrow.

I'm fine.

Things will never
be the same, will they?

No...

dear Chester, they won't.

Want to sleep over?

Chester.

Sure?

Chester.

CHESTER:
Goodnight.

[♪]

ANNOUNCER: Since Jessica has
exiled Chester to the pool house,

will he go crazy with grief,

or buy a nice pair
of swim trunks?

Will Leslie
try to k*ll Billy again,

or will Saunders stop her
by k*lling her first?

Now that Mary has received
the p*rn pictures of Burt

with six naked ladies,
what will she do?

Frame them?

And what will Jodie do

now that he knows
the law can't help him

find his kidnapped baby?

These questions and many others
will be answered

in the next episode of Soap.

[♪]