04x04 - Episode 4

[bunniefuu]

ANNOUNCER:
This is the story of two sisters,

Jessica Tate

and Mary Campbell.

These are the Tates,

and these are the Campbells

and this is Soap.

[ALL CLAMORING]

[♪]

[SOBS]

Oh, God! Why?

Why, Jessica?

What is keeping Daddy?

He's been at the Foreign
Affairs Office for hours.

Eunice, don't go crackers, okay?

These things take time.

Let's just hope for the best.
Everything's gonna be fine.

I do not go crackers.

[SOBBING]

I just hope this
abduction isn't serious.

Begging your pardon,

but I don't think there's such
a thing as a trivial abduction.

I just wish that there
was something we could do

besides sit and wait.

Poppycock.

What?

I said balderdash.

Sit and wait, indeed.

That's the kind of talk that led
to the occupation of France.

We must fight.

Send in a thousand troops

and storm the beach.

I'll call Ike.

Major,

Eisenhower is dead.

Then I'll call Mamie.

Mamie is no general.

Yes, but what a dancer.

Daddy!
Dad! What's up?

It's not good.

"It's not good"?

Oh, God, Eunice,
did you hear that?

It's not good.

[SOBBING]

What is it, Daddy?

We're all going to have to be
strong now, Eunice.

Is your name Daddy?

Would you just tell us
for God sakes?

What is it, Daddy?

Is Mother alive?

All right, all right.

Calm down and sit down
all of you.

The ex-dictator
of Malaguay,

Carlos "El Puerco" Valdez

escaped from the plane

that was taking him back
to his homeland to be ex*cuted.

He and his band
of right-wing rebels

are holding your mother hostage.

Daddy, we already know that.

Well, I beg your pardon.

Who am I, Sander Van Oquirrh?

When they know something,
I'll know something.

Well, when will we know more?

When they do!

Well, when will that be?

I don't know.

Leave me alone.

Okay, that's it.

I've had it.
I'm going.

Don't be out late.

Billy, where are you going?

I'm going to find Mom.

Billy, you can't.

Yes, I can.

But that is crazy.

Oh, and sitting around here
b*ating on each other,

that's not crazy?

Oh, Chester, stop him.

Oh, you just stay out of this.

Oh, wait a minute,
I know what you...

That's it, I've had it.

You're bickering. I'm going.

Billy, you can't find her.

At least I could try.

Young man, you are not leaving
this house. I forbid it.

Dad, I'm afraid,
you don't have a choice.

You see, while you were running
in and out of your pool houses,

I became .

When?

Last year.

You're not .

Yeah, Dad, I am, and I'm going.

Billy, this is dangerous.

I'll be okay.

Be careful, please.

You may be ,
but you're still my kid.

Saunders, can't you
say something?

Billy listens to you.

I could, yes.

Well, please, Saunders.

But I won't.

Why not?

All I know is,
if my mother were missing

I'd spend the rest of
my lifetime to find her.

Me too.

Where is your mother now?

I haven't the foggiest.

[CLICKING]

Uh, Maggie Chandler?

What does it say on the door?

Maggie Chandler.

You think I walked into
the wrong office this morning?

Oh. So much for small talk.

Have a seat,
I'll be with you in a sec.

You're the guy
with the missing kid?

Yes.

Why didn't you eat this morning?

I wasn't hungry...
How did you know?

You've been eyeing my Danish
ever since you walked in here.

Very quick.

You're not getting any.

I've got you eating out of
the palm of my hand, huh?

Queens.

Excuse me?

Your accent,

Queens with a touch
of Manhattan mixed in.

You probably live in
Connecticut,

and you play a lot of ball.

You don't smoke,
you don't have any cats,

and you live with
your mother, correct?

That's amazing.

Nothing to it.

See that nasal tone
in your voice

is a fifty-fifty mix

of New York working man
and New York intellectual,

hence the Queens and Manhattan.

The whiny quality
is obviously Connecticut.

You've got the body
of a second basemen,

I don't smell tobacco smoke
on your clothes,

there's no cat fuzz
on your pants,

and your address
is a family neighborhood.

No smoking, no cats and Mama.

I whine?

Well, I didn't say
it wasn't pleasant.

[WHINING] I don't whine.

Can I see the transcript?

The hearing, remember?

Oh, I'm sorry.

Thank you.

Okay.
Mother: Carol David.

Father: a cupcake.

Excuse me?

You're a cupcake?

A fruit bowl.

You're gay?

Oh, yes.

And you got custody?

That's right.

Was the judge a fruit bowl too?

Listen, Chandler, if you don't
want to help me that's okay,

but I did not come here
to be insulted,

so let's just forget
the whole thing, okay?

Sit.

You know, Dallas, I like you.

You've got spunk and savvy.

I usually get hassled
a lot by male clients.

I don't smoke.

You know, they see me,
they figure: what the hell?

You're different.

I trust you.

Oh, I'm flattered.

Besides, you're a cupcake,

so what's to fear?

Look Chandler, I don't...

Oh, this girl hangs out
with cowboys?

Yeah, she's a rodeo groupie.

Stable girl.

No pun intended.

Good.

Okay, well, what I have to do

is get a line
on the rodeo circuit,

start following it around
until I find her.

Good.
I'm coming with you.

No dice. You'd just be
a pain in the rump.

I'm coming.

Listen, Dallas, I get bucks
a day, plus expenses.

I do things my way,
and I travel alone.

It says so on the card.

If I pay the money,
I make the rules.

Dallas, there are obvious
problems that come about

with a man and a woman
traveling around together.

I don't need the hassle.

What hassle?

I'm a cupcake, remember?

You've got a point.

Okay. What the hell?

Agreed.

When do we leave?

Now is fine.

[♪]

Come on, come on.
You gotta eat something.

I can't look at food.
It makes me sick.

[SOBBING]

Wendy, Wendy!

Hey, Burt, listen to this.

I don't want to hear it.

"From what depths of degradation

"does Sheriff Campbell
and his family spring?

This moral leaper has..."

"Leaper"?

I think that's probably "leper,"
Danny.

Oh, yeah.

"This moral leper has flown
in the face of decency,

"and corrupted his
own step sun...

"stepson.

Can we doubt he will
corrupt our community?"

Yeah, that's a point.

You read aloud really...
very, very, good, Dan.

Thanks.

"We have have always been
a liberal newspaper,

"but, in our opinion,
we should bring back the ayn...

"Ancient."

"...ancient practice of stoning
for these scoundrels."

I wonder what the conservative
newspapers are saying.

I don't care!

I just want to make
some hot milk here.

I can't sleep.

And when you can't sleep,
you go crazy,

and the thought of going crazy
is making me very crazy.

Oh, who can eat?

Bob's not eating, either.

Danny,

he can't eat.

I know.

That's the problem.

No, that's not the problem.

Tibbs is the problem.

No, that's not the problem

because I know how
to deal with him.

We shell him.

"Shell him"?

Like a peanut?

No, no, no, no, no.

We shell his headquarters
with bazookas,

and when he comes
running out we grab him.

Danny, we can't go around
shelling buildings.

What about the other
people inside?

We evacuate them.

We don't know where Tibbs'
headquarters are.

We could ask the people
that we evacuated.

Oh, Mare, it's so nice
to see you awake.

The baby woke me.

As soon as we both have
our little snack,

it's nappy naptime.

Please, you can't just
sleep and eat.

Burt, this is
a very good system.

I think the baby's
on to something.

Mary, now listen to me.

Please, now Mary, listen to me.

You're escaping reality.

I know.

It's because I hate it.

Wendy's kidnapped,
you're being blackmailed.

If this was a movie,
I'd walk out.

Ah, oh, good!

I'm sleepy.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

I'll get it.

No.

I'll get it.

Hello?

Yes, this is Sheriff Campbell.

Well, I'm glad you got
that off your chest.

Bye-bye.

Just some lady calling to tell
me that I nauseate her.

I don't suppose she had any news
about Wendy then, huh?

Sorry, Dan,
I never thought to ask.

Hi, everybody.

Did you find her?

Is she okay?
What did you find out?

Nothing.
Not a word.

Oh, God.
Wendy, Wendy, Wendy.

This is Maggie Chandler.
She's a private detective.

Maggie,

this is my mother.

Hello.

Hi.

This is my stepfather, Burt.

How you doing?
How do you do?

He's also the sheriff here.

Yeah for a few more days anyway.

They're trying to
drum us out of office

because we were in bed
with six girls.

Innocently, of course.

It's a very long story.

I can imagine.

That's my brother, Danny.

Hello.
Hi.

And this is
my stepbrother, Chuck.

Hi.

And that's Bob.

Bob, you were introduced
to the lady.

Don't you say hello?

[MUTTERING]

You'll have to forgive Bob.

He hasn't eaten since they
kidnapped his little niece.

Wendy, Wendy...

Dallas, are we by any chance

looking for a wood baby?

No, Wendy is real, really.

Are you sure she didn't
leave of her own accord?

Would you like to see her room?

Yes.

Uh, what good is
seeing her room gonna do?

Looking for clues.

Plus, it'll get us
out of this room.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

Another crank call.
I've had it.

Hello, pervert!

That's right.

You are the pervert, not me,

because you are...

Hi, Eunice.

What?

What?

Yes, yes, yes, I am calm.

I am calm, Eunice.

I am very calm.

What do you want?

What...?

Eunice.

Eunice.

Eunice!

Who is that, Eunice?

Oh, my God.

What? Wh...?

Where?

Malaguay?

But who?

Uh...

I am very calm, Eunice.

Yes, all right.

Well, thanks for calling.

I'm calm, Eunice.

Goodbye.
We'll talk later.

You know when Jess landed
on that island?

Some guerillas
came out of the jungle,

boarded the plane,
and carried her off.

Oh, my God!

I saw that in King Kong,
but I...

I didn't think it was possible.

No, Danny.

Danny, "guerillas,"
revolutionaries.

People with g*ns.

Oh!

They rescued their leader

and they took Jess hostage.

First, Wendy and now Jessica.

Jess!
Oh, God, Jessica.

[HYSTERICAL SOBBING]

Oh, now I'm
hyper-ventilating.

[GASPING]

[BREATHING DEEPLY]

Burt.

What are we going to do?

I don't know, Mare,

Malaguay is out of
my jurisdiction.

Burt, you have to do something.

Jessica is in terrible danger.

She just got out of the
hospital. This could k*ll her.

Mare, why do you always
look on the dark side?

Now, all we know is,

she was taken off the plane
by guys with g*ns. That's it.

I know what it is.

It's the curse, our curse.

This family is cursed.

Why didn't I think of it before?

We have to do penance.

Wait, Mare, Mare. Come here.
Where are you going?

To church, any church.

Everybody!
Go to church.

Church, let's go to church.

We'll go to church.

You go to the Presbyterian.

You go to the Baptist.

Uh, you take the synagogue.

We've got all bases covered.

I'll get Scotty.

Bob, where do you want to go?

Anywhere but Catholic.

What's wrong with Catholic?

Nothing is wrong with Catholic.

I just can't kneel.

Mrs. Pomeroy,

listen to me for a second,
all right?

I can't arrest your husband just
because he called you a name.

No, I wouldn't say that to my
wife, but, then again,

I have no idea what
your nose looks like.

All right. Have him sleep
on the couch tonight.

Ah, that's good.

All right, then.
Good night, Mrs. Pomeroy.

Hey, Burt.

Danny, I'm glad you're here.
I need some help.

God, I love that.

"I need some help."

I love that, Burt.

Dan...

Sheriff Burt is burning
the midnight oil

and Deputy Dan
is giving him a hand.

I love that, Burt.

Thanks.

Danny, now, I made a decision.

I love that too.

Now, we're going to get Tibbs
by playing his own game.

That I also love.

Danny, you got to go to one of
his massage parlors in disguise

and find the girls
in the pictures.

Why do I have to go?

You're a cop.

We're catching criminals.

You see how that works?

What are you going as?

I don't know.
A businessman.

Can I go as a pirate?

Can I, Burt?
Please, please?

Dan, please, what are you...?

I got the patch and everything.

Danny, what hooker
is gonna sit down

and tell you important
information,

when you're sitting there
with a parrot on your shoulder?

Let's see, I could go as a cop.

You are a cop.
That is the point.

They're not going to spill the
beans to a cop, you got that?

It's the only
other outfit I have.

Danny, undercover, like Serpico.
We gotta go like Serpico.

You mean, uh,

dress up like Italians?

I have to buy a pushcart.

No, no, no. Danny, you can't
draw attention to yourself.

You have to look
like a normal person.

That's not gonna be easy.

[MUTTERING]

Listen to me now.

We got to go to the parlor
on Christmas Street, midnight.

I don't think
we should go together.

So go find an outfit,
and keep it simple.

I can't go.

What do you mean, you can't go?

Well, I've never been
to one of those places before.

I wouldn't know what to say.

Engaging conversation
is not required.

You show them the pictures,
and ask some questions.

And what if,

uh, you know...

What?

What if I get, uh

you know, feel, uh,

you know...

Don't.

Well, what if they get,

uh, you know.

They won't.
They're pros.

Yeah, but I'm cute.

Danny, just ask them if they
know the people in the pictures,

and then get out.

This is crazy.

Dan, it's all we've got.

So we wind up doing exactly

what we're charged with doing
in the first place.

I'll go get my costume.

No pirates.

Hey, hey, hey!
Could I go as God?

How could you
possibly go as God?

Nobody knows what
God looks like.

That's what makes it
such a great disguise.

The wheels are always turning,
Burt.

The wheels are always turning.

The car...

pfft!

Neutral.

[EXPLOSIONS AND
g*nf*re]

Death to El Puerco!

Death to El Puerco!

El, I think I'd better go now.

Red, no, you can't.

They'll k*ll you.

Oh, don't be silly.

Why would they k*ll me?

No, Red, you don't...

Red, please stop.
Where are you going?

Red, stop.

Listen to me! They think
you are one of us. Ha!

Yes, they'll t*rture you,
and starve you,

and pull out your nails,
and b*at you.

My nails?

Yes, and then they'll k*ll you.

But it took me months
to get my nails like this.

Look.
I have no breaks at all.

Red, please get behind
these rocks.

Please, listen to me.

They'll make you talk.

You'll tell them
where our camp is,

how many men we have,
what our plans are.

But I don't know those things.

I mean, I don't know
what your plans are,

and I don't know
where your camp is.

Well, it's in the mountains.

Somewhere in the mountains.
I don't know exactly where.

I think its behind some rocks.

[g*nf*re]

[GASPS]

Oh, my God.

Is he dead?

Pretending.

Oh, yes, yes.

They always pretend to be dead

because the enemy
won't sh**t them

if they think
they're already dead.

I see.

[g*nf*re]

[SQUEALS]

Oh.
What is it?

I think I've been sh*t.

[SPEAKING WORRIEDLY
IN SPANISH]

Keep calm.
Don't die.

It's all right.

It's just a scratch.

Why don't you guys look out
where you are sh**ting?

It's fine.
It's fine.

I'll just wash it off.

Could you tell me please
where the ladies' room is?

Red, where are you going?

Come back here.

Red, stop it.

My goodness,
is he pretending too?

Yes, yes.
Get down, please.

But, you know,
they really look dead.

They don't move at all.

No, of course not.

If they moved, that would
destroy everything, you see.

They're very good actors.

Wonderful!

Wonderful actors, yes.

Matter of fact,
this fellow here,

he played Bernardo

in the Rogue Company
of West Side Story.

You see?
Terrific actor.

Doing a great job.
Keep it up.

Listen, I have to go now.

You see, I have a reservation

at the Malaguay
Surf and Racquet Club,

and they will not hold
the reservation past : p.m.

Red, where are you...

No, you can't leave.

Get over here.

Listen to me, please,
and try to understand.

You cannot leave, not yet.

Then when?

When the revolution is over.

And how long do these things
usually take, El?

Well, the American Revolution
took eight years.

That's right,
the French Revolution,

that took years.

Oh, but the
w*r of Dutch Independence,

that took years.

Seventy-two years?

Well, I'd better call home.

They'll worry.

[g*nf*re]

[♪]

ANNOUNCER: Now that Jodie hired a
private detective to find Wendy,

will they see eye to eye?

Now that Billy ran off
to find Jessica,

can Chester still
claim him as a dependant?

Now that Burt told Danny
he can't go to a brothel

dressed as a pirate,
will he go as a Dodger?

Now that Jessica has been
captured by revolutionaries,

will she find them revolting?

Will Mary ever wake up?

Will Bob ever eat again?

These questions and many others

will be answered
on the next episode of Soap.

[♪]