04x05 - Episode 5

[bunniefuu]

ANNOUNCER:
This is the story of two sisters,

Jessica Tate

and Mary Campbell.

These are the Tates,

and these are the Campbells.

And this is Soap.

[ALL CLAMORING]

[♪]

May, I help you?

Yeah, I'd like a girl.

What kind of a girl?

Filthy, I'd like
a really filthy girl.

Fine, my name's Mr. Phil.

I'll be your host
for the evening.

Oh, hi.
Great to see you.

My name is Brr... Buf... Buhhh...

Bubba.

Big ol' Bubba Brown.

Fit as a fiddle and ready for...

you know...

Will this be cash or charge?

Charge?

We accept all
major credit cards, Mr. Brown.

[SCOFFS] You're kiddin'.

Well, we don't take Chevron,
but most anything else will do.

That's good to know. That's
really, like, good to know.

No, I'll go with a lot of cash.

Let's see what I have.

How about room four?

Lovely room.

Does it have a view?

Yes.

Uh, that's too lovely, no view.

They're all the same price.

Okay fine, I'll have
a dark room,

a filthy girl and no view.

How about room one?

Sounds good, room one.

Right over there.

Great!

It's ready right now.

Great, great that it's ready,

'cause I hate waitin' around
for lust and dirt.

Well, enjoy.

Yeah, well, great.

Uh, I'm just gonna wait here
for a second.

I got a friend comin' in here.

We don't allow that,
only one to a room.

Good to know,
that's good to know.

More than one to a room,
I wouldn't even be here.

That's too filthy.

No, I'll just==
Let me just sit here,

and kind of absorb how glad
I am I'm here, you know?

[JAPANESE ACCENT] Oh, herro.

Ah-so, sushi, kimono.

Come here, it's all right,
he's over here with me.

Danny.

Burt?

Don't blow my cover.

That's it?
That's your outfit?

Yeah, pretty good, huh?

That's the most ridiculous
outfit I ever saw.

I can't believe you walked
around like that.

Gimme a little credit, will ya?

I drove.

Drove?

Drove what?

Oh, the, uh...

[CLEARS THROAT]
baghrr-hrr.

What?

The patrol car.

The patrol...?!

Shhhh.

Keep cool.

I can't believe that you drove
around in the patrol car,

dressed like Jerry Lewis.

I didn't drive it Burt,
I rode in the back seat.

Chuck and Bob drove.

Oh, that's much better.

Excuse me,

but, uh, just exactly
what did you have in mind?

Ah, herro.

Toyota, uh, Kawasaki, uh...

Canon AE- .

Now, listen, give my friend
a dark room

and an ugly girl and no view.

Room two.

Your friend's in room one.

Are they connected?

Why? Are you?

Will I...? No, we'll take it.
No, thanks a lot.

[QUIETLY] Come here, Danny.

Now, listen to me. We meet
at Clancy's Bar in an hour.

Jeez, I don't know
about this Burt.

I'm pretty nervous.

This is a whole new bag
of bananas for me.

Danny, please.
You're a cop.

You have to have nerves of ice!

Huh?

I'm talki" no emotion.

Cold as steel.

All right.

You got it, Dan.

Ready big fella?

Aaah!

Thanks, Burt.

Herro.

Herro?

First five minutes
is bucks extra,

second five is more,

per minute after that.

Take off your clothes,
assemble your devices,

if that's your inclination.

Lie down, shut up
and no smoking.

Boy! Boot camp
was easier than this.

If you are a member
of the police department,

please state so now.

Otherwise, you are
committing entrapment,

which is illegal, unethical,

and may I say,
off the record, tacky.

I'm a deputy sheriff.

Welcome to Hedley House.

Hedley House was built in

and was the third building
constructed in Dunn's River.

That's our tour for today.

Thank you and good evening.

Wait, wait.

I'm not here to arrest you.

I just wanna show you
some pictures.

Hey, I'm not into that.

But it's your money, you know.

Oh, no.

It's not what you think.

These are pictures of me
and Sheriff Campbell

in garter belts.

Did you say garter belts?

Yeah, as a matter of fact,
Sheriff Campbell

is in the next room
interrogating a woman,

this very second.

[BURT GIGGLING]

Sounds like a happy man.

Do you know a man named Tibbs?

Tibbs?

Tibbs, no, uh-uh.
No, never heard of him.

Tibbs, uh, doesn't ring a bell.

Wow! Look at the time.

Hey, just hold on here, huh?

You see, uh, me
and the sheriff are...

You know, there's
the sheriff there.

And that's me.

And that's you.

And this is...

I don't know who that is,
but, uh... Hey!

Well, thanks a lot for dropping
by with these, but I gotta run.

Wait a minute, it's you.

Look, it's late and I'm a candy
striper at the VA Hospital.

I found you!

Hey, Burt!
Burt, I found her!

[BURT MOANS]

Look, buddy, I didn't know
you guys were cops.

I don't care about that.

He told us it was a photo layout
for Psychology Today.

It doesn't matter.

I was set up.
So were we.

I thought you guys were actors,
you know, models.

No, Tibbs drugged us.

We were unconscious.

No wonder you didn't respond.

You just lay there smiling,
like a sleeping Scientologist.

Tibbs is blackmailing us
with those.

Please... will you help us?

Do what?
Put him behind bars.

I can't.
Why not?

I just can't.

Tibbs is like a father to me.

If he knew that I squealed,
he'd k*ll me.

Some father.

I didn't say
he was Robert Young.

What are you afraid of?

Death. Pain and death.

Look, uh...

Gwen.

Look, Gwen,

you help me put him away,

and I'll see to it that
he never bothers you again.

It wouldn't work.

He owns me.
He owns all of us.

That's ridiculous.

People can't own other people.

Oh, yeah?

Well, he owns me.

He's owned me
ever since I was .

Help me put him away.
Free yourself.

It can't be done.
You can't do it.

He owns you too.

No one owns me.

And no one will, ever.

Because I say so.

Now, he may b*at us
with this thing.

I may end up the laughing stock
of this town,

but no two-bit little pimp
is ever gonna own me.

That was beautiful.

Stupid, but beautiful.

I'm sorry I wasted your time.

Hey, look,
I really feel for you.

I just don't know
what I could do.

Come to the office tomorrow
at noon and make a des...

Dipso...

Deposition.
Right.

Tibbs would sh**t me on sight

seconds after I left
your office.

I'll give you complete
protection, round-the-clock.

Look, Gwen,

it's no concern of mine
how somebody makes a living

as long as they don't hurt
anybody doing it,

but this guy hurts people,
lots of people.

Please testify.

Noon?

Thanks!

See ya.

Hey, um...

Uh, Danny.

Danny, uh, would you like a...?

You still have
a few minutes left.

I could give you a massage,
a real one, heh,

if you'd like.

Uh, no, no.

I, hu... I better go tell
Sheriff Campbell the good news.

[BURT WHOOPING]

On second thought,

maybe I better just wait
in the lobby.

Herro.

[♪]

Dutch, our chili
needs more meat.

I know, but we can't
afford anymore.

Hmm. Well,
that's too hot.

I'm gonna put
some sour cream in it.

Don't touch my chili!

"My chili"?

Well, I like that.

Since when is it "my chili,"

I could remember when
it was our chili.

All right, our chili,

but our chili is perfect,
so don't mess it up.

Leave that alone.

What do you think, Sandy?

I wouldn't know.

They didn't offer a course in
chili dogs at Le Cordon Bleu.

Saunders, why are you using
our good china

at an outdoor barbecue?

Because you can't afford
paper plates.

Daddy, why do we have to eat
outside anyway, like peasants?

I'm afraid that's what we are,
princess.

We've run out of money.

But Mother has money just
sitting in a bank or somewhere.

That's right,
but only she can withdraw it,

and she's being held prisoner
in some jungle.

Which makes it a little tough
to get to the bank.

Well, this is ridiculous.

There must be some way
to get money.

There is an extreme method that
people have been known to use.

It's called working.

Don't you think
I want to work, Saunders,

to earn my daily bread
by the sweat of my brow,

to work and toil

like all the little common men
across this great land of ours.

But I'm an ex-con.
No one will hire me.

How fortunate for you.

The men appreciate you coming
out to the field, cookie.

We're tired of K rations.

Hey, it's the least I can do for
the boys at the front, major.

Carry on.

You try some, Sandy.

No, thank you.
I'll dine out.

On what? You haven't been paid
in two weeks.

Oh, I am judicious with money.
I've a tidy sum set by.

Really.

Saunders...

Yes.

I was wondering...

See, we're in a spot here,
and I was wondering if maybe...

Well... you know what I mean.

No, I don't.
Clarify yourself.

Well, I was wondering if
you could lend us some money.

Excuse me,
while I consider your request.

[SAUNDERS LAUGHS]

[LAUGHING]

Hi, Mary.
Where's Burt?

He's out, you know, tracking
down the man who framed him,

and trying to force him
to confess.

Hopefully, he won't get k*lled.

He said he would be by
after he did all that,

or by : ,
whichever came first.

Here's the potato salad.
Thanks.

Mary, is that all you brought?

Potato salad?

Uh-oh, the party's over.

Ooh, I'm sorry.
I guess I came at a bad time.

I didn't mean to interrupt
your barbecue...

Leslie.

Hi.

We haven't met.
I'm Annie.

That's Leslie, the young woman
who was trying to k*ll my son.

Hi, nice to meet you.

It's nice to meet you too.
Are you a relative?

No, a tramp.

Hey, what do you got
in that there box?

Another one of those bombs
that don't go off?

There's a rattlesnake in here!

Mm-hmm.

Look, I really just came
to see Billy,

so just go ahead with your
party and don't mind me.

He's not in at the moment.

He's out rescuing his mother.

From revolutionaries
on a Caribbean island.

Oh, nuts.

Yeah.

And I had such a great plan.

I was gonna give this to him.

I was gonna say
let's forgive and forget.

And then he was
gonna open it up.

And the rattlesnake was
gonna jump out at him!

Wouldn't that have been great?

Leslie, you have just got to
develop some other interests.

It took me weeks
to find a rattlesnake.

I looked all over,
nobody has any.

Well, I... I guess
that's not your problem.

It's been really nice
talking to you, Mrs. Campbell.

Yeah.

Well, once again,
I-I'm sorry for bothering you.

See you soon.

And don't try to follow me!

I've got a g*n
and a hand grenade!

Hey, Mare. Hi, everybody.

Oh, Burt, she was just here.

She was?

Quick, get her.

I'm goin', I'm goin'!
Who, what, when, where?

Just now, Burt. Just now.

Who just now?
Who just now?

Leslie.

I don't believe it.
You just let her get away?

That's it?
Which way did she go?

It's too late now, Burt.

Can it be true?

General Doolittle in the flesh?

Forgive my informalities, sir,

but may I join
the rest of America

and congratulate you
on that daring raid on Tokyo?

It was nothing.

You lifted the morale of every
fighting man in the Pacific.

You taught us the real meaning
of the word "Yank."

[CLANG]

Hey, come and get it.

[CLANGING]

Hey, uh, what's the occasion?

Dinner.

Oh.

[RATTLING]

Whoa!

[CLICKING]

Did I get it?

Yes, you did.

In case you were afraid

my big toe posed
any thr*at to you...

rest assured, you got that too.

Hey, Chester, I mean,
I'm really sorry.

You know, it... really
hasn't dawned on me yet.

I've been sh*t!

Help me!
Okay.

Help me!
All right. Come on.

Somebody help me!

I'll get you to a hospital.

[SOBBING]
Oh, Mommy! Mommy! Mommy!

[SIGHS]

Hi.

Oh, buenas noches.

De nada.

Please come and have a seat.

Thank you.

You know, I tried to get
a message to your home

in Connecticut, America,

but I don't know if I succeed.

The man I sent never came back.

You mean, you sent a man
to Con-nect-i-cot?

Oh, no, I sent him to
the village, to Western Union,

but...

Oh, he'll come back, I'm sure.

I hope.

I pray he comes back.

Don't worry, really,

everything is going
to turn out just fine.

Well, it's just that
I'm a little upset.

Why?

Well, the CIA,
they promised to come

and help us overthrow
the government here,

and they're late.
I don't know where they are!

Maybe they got stuck in traffic.

I don't know.

I just hope this doesn't
turn out to be

another Bay of Pigs here.

Oh, I'll tell you that.

A Bay of Pigs.

Wouldn't that be terrible?

No, I think
it'd be kind of cute.

I mean, a whole bay
full of little pigs,

all oinking and swimming around.

Jessica, you are wonderful.

Oh.
Yes! Yes, you are.

You're wonderful to try
to cheer me up

with your wonderful
American sense of humor.

Oh.

You know, I was thinking,

why don't I give all this up?

Sure, my men and I can always go
back to our marimba band again.

What do I need this for?

It's something you believe in.

Jessica, don't leave.

I won't.

You won't let me.

Oh, no, I mean tonight,
don't leave.

Stay with me in my tent.

Oh, El!

I don't, uh...

think I could do that.

No, Jessica, don't.
Please don't misunderstand,

It's just that I...

I... I... I worry about you.

I stay up all night thinking
about you in your tent alone

with the mosquitoes
and the Gila monsters and...

Monsters?

You mean, you have
monsters here?

Oh, Jessica...

Whoo!

Please stay with me tonight.

This could be
our last night together.

Here we are.

Now, I...

I just...

fluff up your pillows,

and everything is perfect.

Uh, I...

Would you like another blanket?

Oh, no, no, no blanket.

No blanket.

I, uh...

What about a book to read?

Ah, yes, yes, yes.
Here we have...

El Mundo en la Opinión de Garp.

Well, uh...

if there's anything
that you need or want,

I'll be right over here.

El?
Huh?

I thought, um...

What?

Nothing. Nothing.

No, what my little
piña colada? Tell me.

Well, you see,
I thought we were going to...

share this tent.

Yes, we are.

I'll be right over here.

Uh, El...

what I meant was...

when you said that you
wanted me in your tent,

I thought that you meant you...

wanted me in your tent.

Oh. Oh, m-me.

Oh, n-no, never. You?

But, my Madonna...

No, no, no, no, no, no.

No, no, no.

May the federales
amputate my hands

if ever I dare to touch...

No, no, no, no.
Never, my Jessica, never!

Never?

Nnn... Nnn-nn...

Not...

until we marry.

I see.

[♪]

ANNOUNCER: Now that Danny's found a
hooker who will testify against Tibbs,

will she be afraid
to open her mouth?

Now that Jessica found out

the revolution
may last years,

will she have
her charge account switched?

Now that the Tates
are out of cash,

will Chester sell his sweaters?

Will Billy ever find Jessica?

Will anyone ever find Billy?

These questions and many others
will be answered

in the next episode of Soap.

[♪]