04x06 - Episode 6

[bunniefuu]

ANNOUNCER:
This is the story of two sisters,

Jessica Tate

and Mary Campbell.

These are the Tates,

and these are the Campbells.

And this is Soap.

[ALL CLAMORING]

[♪]

How do I look?

It fits you like a glub.

Well, it seems
a little baggy up here.

Lady, this is
a third-world nation.

What do you want?

Calbin Kleins?

[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

you yutz!

Okay, thanks a lot.

Ahh! Buenos días.

De nada.

Hello, El.

How was the w*r?

Not... Not too bad,
thanks.

It didn't go well?

No, no, no, I didn't say that.

On the contraband,
it went very well.

What happened?

Oh! No, I'll get
that, thank you.

Well, you see, first we stormed
the walls of the city.

And then we climb
over the walls,

and we land on the sacred
ground of the capital.

Oh!
Then we screamed,

"Down with the communist regime.

"We come to liberate our land.

We will take back
our city."

Then we k*ll all
the communist in the city,

and we raise our flag,
and boy am I lying,

because we got creamed.

Oh, El, I'm so sorry.

What happened to your soldiers?

Oh, my men fought
valiantly and bravely.

Oh, that's wonderful.

For about two minutes.

Then they all ran away
and changed sides.

Are you quite certain?
Maybe they just got lost.

No, I tell you.
There I was

running to the walls
of the city like a moron,

yelling and screaming.
And I looked behind,

and everybody is getting fitted
for communist uniforms.

Oh! Red, Red, Red,
we lost. We lost.

What am I going to do?

Oh, El, don't be upset.

There'll be other revolutions.

Not for Carlos Marcello Davíd Escobar
Rodriguez El Puerco Valdez, there won't.

We're through!
There's no more fighting.

There are no more troops.
No, Red.

All that is left is me
and Juan... and Juan... and Juan.

Who?
Ah, Juan!

Jess.
Yes?

No, no, no.
Get Juan.

Which Juan?
Juan One.

I am Juan One.

Then get me Juan Two.
Okay.

All right, that was Juan One.

I see.

He will take you to safety.

I will remain here
and... await the inevitable.

El, I am surprised at you.

Waiting to be k*lled.

You should be
staying alive and going on.

Those people took
your land away from you.

Crummy, no?

It's downright rude, El.

You cannot give up.

You have something
to believe in.

You have a dream, El.

How many people
in this world do you know

that still believe in something,
that still have a dream?

You are a very special person.

Don't you know that?

I say we fight.

You come home with me.

You come to
Connecticut, America,

and we'll fight the revolution
from my house.

Jeez, you know, nobody's
ever said that to me before.

Wow!

You are wonderful, Red.
And of course you're right.

El Puerco cannot die.

El Puerco must live and fight
so that others may die.

Juan One.

Get your comrades,
Juan Two and Juan Three,

and tell them to pack up. We're
going to Connecticut, America.

How do we get there,
oh, Great Pig?

We'll take two boats.

Juan Two and Juan Three will go

in one boat with you Juan One.

Jess.
Yes?

No, no, you and I will
take another boat.

It will not be pleasant.

We will be freezing by night
and boiling by day.

The sun will cr*ck
your skin, and...

Well, your hair's
gonna look like hell.

We may be sh*t, and we may
be eaten up by sharks,

but we will try.

You have given me
renewed hope, red-haired one.

Yes.

I will get you
to Connecticut, America,

safe and sound, or...

you will die trying.

Maybe I said too much.

Now, you've...
You've been employed

by this Mr. Tibbs ever since,
is that correct?

Yeah.

In what capacity?

A hooker.

Ohhhhh!

What I'm trying
to determine for the record

is what it is exactly
that you do?

I sell my body to men for money.

Oh!

I'm terribly sorry.

I'm really sorry.

Look, Mr. D.A....

Assistant D.A. Rollins.

Yeah, the D.A.
has a mustache.

Oh, great. Listen
Mr. Assistant here,

if you're finished, we got a lot
of work right we gotta do.

Yeah, I think we have
everything we need.

Woof!

I'm going to make
my report to the D.A.,

and we'll issue a warrant
for Tibbs' arrest.

All right, that's it.
That's it.

What about Gwen?

You and the sheriff
take care of that, okay?

All right, good, thanks.

We'll see you guys upstairs.

Tell the D.A.
I'm on the way, right?

Gwen. Woof.

Thanks.

Man should be in a home.

Look Danny, Gwen, I'm gonna
go see the real D.A.

Right, the one
with the mustache.

Right, the guy with the 'stache.

All right, listen, Gwen...

Thank you.

Oh, no, don't thank me.
You've been real nice.

Thank you.

Thank you.

And you, thank you.

Thank you.

But don't thank me, thank you.

Hey, Dan, wait a minute.

You solved it here,
so thank you.

Thank you, but it's her.

Thank her.

I did, didn't I?

I don't know,
but thank you for asking.

Thank you.

No, no, you still didn't say
thank you for the first thing

you were supposed
to say thank you for.

I've been thanked, thank you.

You're welcome.
You're welcome.

I gotta get out of here.

Listen, I'll see you
in a little while.

Goodbye and, uh...

Well, that's that.

Did I do okay?

You did great.

I'm proud of you.

Really?

Nobody has ever
been proud of me before.

Are you scared?

Yeah.

Well, one thing you should
know about Deputy Dan

is that when he says
he'll protect and serve,

he means he'll protect
and serve.

A promise is a promise, Gwen,
so don't worry, really.

Now, let's find you
a place to live.

Danny?
Yeah.

I just want to say that
I think you're the most...

Well, thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

[OMINOUS THEME PLAYING]

Ah, Stunning piece, isn't it?

It's overpriced.

Oh, be serious!

I'm practically giving it away.

It's chipped.

Well, what do you expect?

It's over years old.

What do you think you are doing?

Saunders, please, go away.

The drapes are a set,
but I'd be willing to sell them separately.

I'm sorry, madam.
There's been a mistake. There is no sale.

Saunders!

What's going on here?

The ad in the paper said...

Pay no attention to him.
This is Saunders, our butler.

And that's Chester,
the gardener.

He lives in the pool house.

Saunders!

He's quite harmless,

but he pulls these pranks
from time to time.

Chester!

Madam, I deeply regret
your inconvenience.

Sir, I'm sorry, please.

I'll let you have
the drapes bucks.

I'll give you .

and they're yours.

Okay . Wait.

[DOOR SHUTS]

I have half a mind to deck you.

I dislike v*olence,
but I'm awfully good at it.

Well, I'm certainly not going
to stoop to your level.

Wise decision.

Daddy, were you selling
mother's furniture?

Eunice, we have
run out of money.

We have to eat.

I'll give you cents
if you clean the oven.

I'd rather starve.

I can live with that.

Anyway, Dutch got a job today.

He's gonna bring
home some money.

Eunice, he's working
in a car wash.

We'll be lucky if he
brings home cents.

I'll just bet that rotten
little witch Annie

put you up to selling
mother's things.

The rotten little witch
isn't into influencing people.

I mean what's it to me if
Chester wants to sell furniture?

Oh, well, then you might
have to get up off your duff

and get a job.

Well, that's funny
coming from you, Eunice.

I mean, you haven't done
anything steady in years.

Well, not vertically anyway.

It's so cold in here.

And we're out of fuel.

How do the poor people stand it?

They don't.

Hi.

Darling, you're home
from the car wash so early.

I got fired.

Why?

I didn't know what agua meant.

Dutch, what are we gonna do?

Perhaps, you could apply
for food stamps.

Food stamps?
Yes, you see,

you apply for the stamps
with the welfare bureau,

and in turn you exchange
the stamps for food.

Welfare?

The Tates, the public dole?
Where do we apply?

[PHONE RINGING]

Well...

The butler answers the telephone
for the gardener? Really.

[CHORTLING]

Tate Furniture Clearance.

Well, yes.

Oh!

It's the State Department.

Yes.

I see.
It's about Mother.

Oh, my God!

Honey, what is it?

[MOCKINGLY] Honey, what is it?

You ask "what is it"?

You've got the nerve
to ask "what is it"?

Daddy, what is it?

Excuse me.

The government sent
a plane into Malaguay,

and they discovered
the rebel camp.

Oh, that's wonderful!

However, there was
no sign of your mother.

Oh, that's terrible.

But they did discover a few
strands of red hair in a tent.

Well, that's wonderful!

On El Puerco's pillow.

Oh, Daddy.
Now don't be depressed.

They're going to find mother.

Don't be depressed?
Your mother is shedding

somewhere in the jungle,
and I can't be depressed?

They... Oh. They think that
there's a good chance

that she may be alive.

Well, that's wonderful!

Or she may have been captured
by the communist...

ex*cuted?

Oh, my God.
That's terrible!

Dutch, knock it off.

Okay.

Thank you.

Oh... God!

What about Billy?

Did they have
any news about Billy?

Yes, no one has seen him
or heard from him.

They have no idea whether
he's dead or alive.

They have no clues to work on
as to his whereabouts.

Then everything's not
completely hopeless, right?

Oh, Jessie.

My whole family.

My son is missing.

My wife has run off with Zorro.

Did I wake you?

No, it was the rough
channel crossing.

You'll never awake, Mare.

Really, then who's talking?

Well, Mary, you're
always sleeping.

It's like living with a cat.

Did you wake me up
to tell me that?

Yup.

Good night Burt.

No, Mare, no, listen...
Mare, Mare, no.

Listen to me.
I'm trying...

There's something
I wanna tell you.

This is very interesting.

I was lying in the bed here,
trying to get to sleep,

and I couldn't, so I tried
to remember all the ways

I used to go to sleep.

And one of the ways
I remembered, Mare...

is something
I completely forgot.

Good night, Burt.

Listen, Mare.

Do you realize
that we haven't, uh...

In months, Mare, months.

We haven't what?

Made love.

Oh! That.

I forgot all about it.

So did I.

How can we forget that, Mare?

That's not something
you should have to write down.

Well, you've been so busy.

I know that whenever I wanted
to, you've been too worried to.

Oh, so it's my fault now?
Please, Mare, how would you know?

You're always asleep.

I can't help it.

When I'm upset, I sleep.

When I'm tired, I sleep.

And because of
Jess and Wendy, I'm upset,

and because of the baby,
I'm tired. So I sleep.

And anyway, just last week,
when I wanted to,

and I told you I wanted to,
you said no, not then.

I was at work.

It doesn't matter.

When you're at home,
you're at work.

Mary, I can't help it.
I got two jobs here.

I'm running
a construction office.

I'm sheriff and public life.

I mean, that really ruins
your private life.

You think that happens?
Like, presidents have problems like that.

I mean, do you think that maybe
Carter and Rosalyn stop.

Or that Reagan is gonna stop?

I don't think Republicans do it.

Listen, maybe we should
make a date in advance.

You know, like we sometimes
used to do to go to the movies.

Yeah, that's good.

That's a good idea.

Okay, how about... now?

Now?

You busy?

Well, no, but...
I wanted to take a bath,

and I'm too tired
to take a bath.

Okay, okay, okay, okay.
Then how about Wednesday?

Wednesday, Wednesday...

You can't. You have
the sheriff's auction.

Right. That's right.

Thursday.
Is Thursday good?

Thursday...
Thursday.

No, you'll be too tired
from Wednesday.

And Friday I have
the dentist. Root canal.

Which means you're gonna feel
lousy all day Saturday.

Sunday?

Sunday, Sunday, Sunday,
Sunday, sounds good.

Is Sunday good for you?

I think so, unless of course
the baby gets colicky.

Mare.
What?

Now.

Now?

Now.

Burt, I didn't take a bath.

I don't care.
I like you dirty.

Come on, Mare. I'll pretend
you're Anna Magnani

with that little rose tattoo.

You pretend I'm someone else?

No, I don't have to.

It's been so long.

It's exciting.

It's you!

[COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYING]

Are you sure this
is a good idea?

What could happen?

Okay, fine, I've seen enough.

They're just blowing off
a little steam.

Steam? That's
a little steam?

You could heat Montreal
in that steam. Goodbye.

No, wait a minute,
wait a minute.

We have come all of this way.

Now let's just flash Carol's
picture around a little bit

and see if anybody
recognizes her, okay?

Act natural.

Howdy.

[COUGHS]

Excuse me.

All right, now you try it.

No, it's the wrist action
you're not getting.

It's more of a snap.

Here, let me show you again.

Now, watch.

See? Nice, clean motion.

Let's get a table, okay?

Yeah.

I guess this table was taken.

What'll it be?

I'll have a beer.

You?

Two.

And can I have a glass, please.

A glass?

Yeah, but a filthy one, okay?

And some stale pretzels, huh?

I like the way you handle
yourself, Dallas. Real cool.

Cool? My heart is doing
laps in my shorts.

Hi good looking.

Hi.
Hi.

Mind if I join you.

No, have a seat.

So, y'all new in town.

Yeah, we just came by
to drink a little hooch

and kick a little tush.

So what's your name, Slim?

Slim.

Listen Slim...

You know this girl?

It's Doris Day.

Came with the wallet.

Have you seen this girl lately?

No.
Damn.

Just gonna wander around

and see if anybody recognizes
this picture, okay?

Excuse me.

I'm glad she left.

I'd like to ask you something
personal, if you don't mind.

Ask away.

Are you two going
together or anything?

No, no, no.
It's just strictly business.

No, no, strings on me.
I'm free as a bird.

Yeah? Then you wouldn't mind
if I ask her to dance?

Her?

No, no, no.
Heck, no.

sh**t.

Whisky.

Pardon me there, wrangler.

I was just wondering if...

Same again.

Please.

Never mind.

So that's what happened.

So now I'm out looking
for a mother.

I wish I could help you, but I
hadn't seen Carol in weeks.

Well, what can...
Carol, you know Carol?

Every man that ever
tied a hog knows Carol.

That should surprise me
more than it does.

But you said
you hadn't seen Carol.

You asked if I'd
seen her lately.

I hadn't seen any women lately.

What's up?

Slim here knows Carol.

Yeah, but you ain't gonna
find her 'round here.

She don't hang around
the rodeo no more.

She's into clowns now.

Clowns?
You mean:

Yeah, that's it, clowns.

Last I heard she went off
with the Farley Circus.

When was that?

Like a week and a half ago.

Week and a half ago,
let's see... Farley.

That means by now
she'd be in Lombpa.

Lombpa?

We have to go to Lombpa?

Is there actually
a place called Lombpa?

Give me a dollar.

Here you go, partner.

Excuse me, could you
open them please?

Thank you.

So, Slim...

Here's to your health.

What do you say we find
the salad bar, okay?

Argh!

Ooh!

ANNOUNCER:
Now that Jessica and El Puerco have decided

to escape the enemy by boat,

will they remember to bring
along the Dramamine?

Next time Jodie and Maggie
get a lead on Wendy,

will they remember to make
reservations in advance?

Will Eunice ever
get along with Annie?

Will Billy ever find his mother?

And who is spying
on Gwen and Danny?

These questions and many others
will be answered

in the next episode of Soap.

[♪]