04x11 - Episode 11

[bunniefuu]

ANNOUNCER:
This is the story of two sisters,

Jessica Tate

and Mary Campbell.

These are the Tates,

and these are the Campbells.

And this is Soap.

[ALL CLAMORING]

[♪]

WOMAN:
Oh!

Oh, I'm sorry.

Oh!

Maggie, why are we doing this?

Just relax, Dallas, relax.

I mean, when you said,
"dress casual,"

I figured, maybe
a champagne brunch,

but this...

I got a message
to meet an informer here,

someone with news about Wendy.

Do you know why
people come here?

Do you have any idea?
We could be arrested.

For what?

We're standing here.

All right,
that couple over there,

they're not breaking the law?

Of course not.

Now they are.

Come on, this is crazy!

No, no, wait a minute.

We're gonna stay
and meet our contact.

Right, who is he?

Never met him.

You don't know
what he looks like?

How are we gonna single him out?

I mean, it's not like he can

wear a carnation in his lapel.

Why don't we just
sit down over here,

See who pops by, okay?

Hi.

Well, hi, there.

Mm, you have a great body.

Ha.

You have a great towel.

I'll be in room .

Seemed like a nice person.

What was that all about?

Oh, Maggie, she was
just... flirting,

it's no reason to be jealous.

Oh, well, I'm not jealous

when they flirt.

I'm jealous when you flirt.

Oh!

Come on, Maggie,
it's bound to happen.

I mean, we're adults.

These things happen.

Look, it's no big deal.

Hi.

Hey, jocko, I'm sitting there.

She is with me, I am with her,

we are together.
Do you understand that?

And we'd like to be
alone. Thank you.

Jodie, that could
have been our contact.

The only thing
he wanted to contact

is wrapped up in your towel.

Maggie?
Hey, you pervert!

Get away from us, huh?
For God's sake...

No, don't hold me back...
Jodie!

What are you...?

Just put your hands up, okay?

I have your information.

Oh, sorry,
just first impressions.

For you.

For you.

Do you wanna take a shower?

No thanks. No thanks.

Uh-oh!

What is it, what is it?

Here, read.

"Your daughter is living

in a kung-fu fortress
in Malibu."

Malibu?

Yeah. There's
a flight out tonight.

Come on, let's go.

Well, since it's Malibu,
I won't have to change.

[MUMBLING]

Excuse, please, Don O'Donnelly,

[LAUGHING]
but we can't... Huh?

Can't understand
what you're saying.

[MUMBLES]

We can't hear.
Oh, oh, oh.

My apologies, gentleman.

I have root canal.

They told me to keep it packed.

[GROUP LAUGHS]

I know I speak for all of us
when I extend my sympathy

for the passing of Vito Hersh.

Oh, yeah.
Oh, it's a shame.

Whose heart
unfortunately gave out

moments after
his throat was cut.

[GROUP LAUGHS]

This, of course, creates
a vacancy in Arizona,

which I have decided
to fill with Elmore Tibbs.

Hey, thank you.
Thank you, Don O'Donnelly.

That's all right.
Thank you.

Well, heh, heh.

Oh, please.

I would like to say first

that I am really looking forward

to taking over
our Arizona operations.

See, I get these headaches,
and I know Scottsdale

is gonna be very good
for my sinuses.

Now, why don't you stand up

and tell us what's going on

in Connecticut?

All right, well.
Well, first,

there's a kink in
our massage-parlor operations.

The new sheriff of Dunn's River
will not cooperate.

Now, I've threatened him,
I roughed him up,

I've blackmailed him, but still,
he's breathing down my neck.

Well, I finally had to
take out his deputy.

So needless to say,
the heat is on.

[g*n FIRES]

Hey, what...?

Don't worry about it.

One of the bodyguards,
probably Moose,

must have seen a duck.

[g*n FIRES REPEATEDLY]

Must have seen a whole flock.

Well, yeah.

Anyway, this Sheriff Campbell
has got to be dealt with.

I think...

[SCREECHING]

[HOOTS]

All right.
Drop it!

It's not your bagels,
I meant your g*ns.

Sit down!

We don't carry g*ns.

That's what we got security for.

Yeah. You took
this place alone?

Yeah, that's right,

I took this place all by myself.

Hey, yeah, that's right.

Wait a minute, you.
Hey!

You, you're him, aren't you?

Who?
Who? You, who.

Mr. Big, here.
The Godfather!

Godfather?

Yeah, like an organized
crime... syndicate.

Syndicate?

There's no such thing
as a syndicate.

I'm just an honest businessman
from Bayonne.

Who are you?

Burt Campbell.
Sheriff, Connecticut.

No more, stop that.

[BRITISH ACCENT]
Uh, will there be anything else, monsieur?

Perhaps another carafe
of the chardonnay?

Yes, should I bring you
perhaps an apéritif, monsieur?

Do... Yeah.
Yeah, give me a beer.

Yes, I'll be right back.
Godfather.

Tibbs!

Aah!

Don't...

You sly...

No, please!

You scum!
No, please. Have mercy!

Mercy?
You want mercy, huh?

My son's fighting for his life

because of you.

I'm gonna put you away, Tibbs.

I'm gonna put you...
Please!

Mr. Campbell.

Hey, it's just you and us, huh?

Maybe we can make a deal.

I can make you
a very wealthy man.

Ooh!

Maybe not.

I don't make deals with garbage.

All right, come on,
everybody up, here.

On your feet,
I'm taking everybody...

On your knees!

Gonzo, get up here.

All right, everybody
goes homes with me, here.

Come on.
Come on, come on.

Come on, come on, go.

Mary?

Chester.

I got here
as quickly as I could.

Is something wrong?
How's Danny?

He needs a kidney.

Kidney, you're kidding!

Chester, would I kid
about a kidney?

They won't take one of mine.

Why?

They're not good enough.

Oh.

How about Jodie?

No!

You could run an ad.

He needs a kidney
of a blood relative.

Oh, well, if you're out
and Jodie's out,

what are you gonna do?

He needs your kidney, Chester.

Oh, ho, ho, ho.
Well, Mary, I'd be delighted,

I'd give him one in a sh*t,
but I'm hardly a blood relative.

Yes, you are.

No, no, Mary.
I'm his uncle.

No, you're not.

You're his father.

Yeah, Chester.

Before you married Jessica,
remember?

You kidding?

No.

Mary, that was...
That one time.

No, Chester, it was two weeks.

Every night.

Two weeks every night?

Ha, ha.
Boy, those were the days!

I wish I could do
half that now, even a quarter.

Chester.

Mary, why didn't you
ever tell me?

I didn't know.

For years?

When I realized I was pregnant,

you suddenly announced
you were gonna marry Jessica.

Mary, I was forced into that.

Your mother was gonna
have my father arrested!

Well, it doesn't matter now.

What matters is Danny.

You're his father, Chester.

You're the only one
that can give him a kidney,

You'll do it, of course.

Chester?

Mary, are you sure he's my son?

He is your son, Chester.

Do you think that I would
ask you for your kidney

if he wasn't?

If you weren't his father,
your kidney would k*ll him!

You realize everyone will know?

If I give the kidney,
it will give it away.

Chester, without your kidney,
Danny will die.

[SIGHS]

JESSICA:
El!

[WHISPERS]
Oh, my. Hide, hide.

El, could I speak
with you a mom...?

Jessica!
Heh, heh, heh.

What are you doing here?

Well, well.

Well, well, well.

This... This lady is from
the Immigration department.

Uh-huh.

Oh, really?
Yes.

Now, you see,
you have to go straight

up the stairs here,
out the front door,

and it would be
the third house on your left.

Uh-huh.
Yes, yes, yes.

Um, you will see...

You will see they have
two illegal aliens

doing the gardening.

See ya.

I forgot to renew my green card.

Really?

Yeah. Do you know
what she suggested?

I bribe her.

I... I was shocked!

How dare you?!

Oh, well, I could have been
deported, you know.

It was a small bribe.

I can't believe this!

I couldn't, either.

I mean, corruption
in government!

I knock myself out
to make myself

look wonderful for you,
I shopped for days

for just the right nightgown,

and then last night,
I threw myself at you,

and you walked out of the room.

And now today I find you
with another woman.

Oh, Jessica,
that was not a woman,

that was a prost*tute.

Besides, I do it for you!

I see.

To protect you
from my lustful advances.

Fine.

If you can go out
with other women,

then I can go out
with other men.

Oh, no, no, no, no, Jessica!

Please, no, no, no.

Please. Okay,
first of all

I do not go out with them.

[LAUGHING]
I would never go out with them.

I just have sex with them.

Well, if you can
do it, so can I.

Jessica, please.

Now, you are not
that type of woman.

So far.
That's the problem.

No, Jessica, please.

Will you sit down over here?

Let me explain this to you.

You've everything
all upside down.

Now, this is a man's
thing, this passion.

Men are all the same.

Woman are different.

They come in two shapes.

There are the ones that
make love and are garbage,

and the ones who go
to heaven when they die.

Who says?

God.

Told you personally, I suppose.

No. Jessica,
the point is this,

I have asked you to marry me

a long time now,
and you always say no.

So, until you say yes, Jess,

go to other women,
make a little tiempo,

come home, take a nice shower,

what's the big deal?

There is no big deal,

but did it ever occur to you

that perhaps I might have

some of the same needs as you?

No. Only men
have those needs.

Now, women have needs, yes, yes,

to dance and also
to hold babies.

Wrong.

Oh, Jessica.

Jessica, marry me.
Marry me,

and I will stop
all this disgusting stuff

I do with other women,
and do it only with you.

Say I do, and we will.

I can't.

Then I won't.

So don't.

Then you won't.

Wanna bet?

Hmph.

[SLAMS]

[CLATTERS]

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Doctor, Mary Campbell
is here to see you.

I'm not in, I'm out.

Tell her I'm out,
I won't be in all day.

Hello,
Dr. Drell.

Mary, hello!

What a pleasant surprise,
come in.

Oh, look at him,
isn't he adorable?

Hello wittle Scotty,
do you wemember me?

I'm your mommy's gynecowogist.

Doctor, I have to talk to you.

Mary, you talked to me
yesterday.

I want a second opinion.

He's not an alien, Mary.

Doctor.

Mary, I told you three days ago,

I told you two days before that,

and I told you yesterday,

that baby came
from County General, not Mars.

You think I'm crazy, don't you?

Go ahead, you can say it.

You think I'm crazy, right?

Very.

He makes sounds.

Mary, why do you
keep doing this?

This is my son!

There's something
wrong with him!

And you're a doctor,

and I am here
because I need your help.

Now, something happened today,
something I cannot explain,

something that gives me
chills up my spine.

Doctor, my baby...

flies.

Would you like a bite of this?

It's very good.
Velveeta.

Fine, you think I'm crazy.
That's reasonable.

I mean, you're probably
saying to yourself,

"How could this little baby
be an alien

when he isn't even silver?"

Am I right?

Well, I was skeptical at first.

Well, see, I didn't actually
see him fly, but he... moves.

It's called crawling, Mary.
Children do that.

They crawl and they eat
and they cry.

He makes alien noises.

He makes those funny noises
aliens make,

those little peeps
and gee-gee-gee-gee-gee sounds.

Ands ick-ick-ick-ick-ick.

I'm not kidding!

All babies make those little
ick-ick-ick-ick-icks.

That's how they talk.

They do?

Even ka-ka-ka-ka-ka?

Ka-ka-ka-ka-ka,
ick-ick-ick-ick-ick,

kippa-kippa-kippa-kippa-kippa,

tuppy-tuppy-tuppy-tuppy.

So you just think
I'm overreacting?

Could be that, overreacting.

Sounds a little like
overreacting to me.

Look, I have to wash up.

Why don't you ring me,
uh, next month

and let me know
how things are going?

Okay. I'm sorry
I'm such a pest.

Oh, please, I'm your friend.

Thanks.

If it was anything serious...

I'd tell you, honestly.

You're not just trying

to keep something from me?

Yes, me.

Mary, please don't worry.

He's a perfectly normal
little boy.

[BEEPER RINGS]

Oh, my God.

I gotta run, Mary.

Emergency at the hospital.
Thanks for dropping by.

Number .

Hai-ya!

Hate to be his dancing partner.

Ai-ya!

[SHOUTING]

[GROANS]

They must have quite
a turnover around here.

Listen Jodie, you gotta
promise me something.

If they call your number,
don't do anything foolish.

What do you mean?

I mean, I don't want you

to try to fight that guy.

It would be su1c1de.

Maggie, I'd k*ll myself

before I'd fight that guy.

Anyway, don't worry,

they're not gonna call on us.

[SHOUTS]

[SHOUTS]

Maybe we should have
left the g*n home

and brought the piano.

Number .

Jodie, it's your number.

What do you mean?
That's you, that's you.

Number .
That's your number.

No, it's not.
It's okay.

I'm, uh...

Sixty-one.

Number , come forward.

Number , why do you
not come forward?

Are you not
a brave ninja warrior?

Huh. Uh, me?

No, I'm... I'm...

I'm a... I'm a brave,
uh, ninja warrior.

I, uh...

Oh! My number
was upside down.

Heh, heh.
Ah.

Then come forward now and fight,

or are you afraid of death?

Ha, ha!

I laugh at death.

You kidding?

I come from a family

with a long history of dying.

Number , you're trying
my patience.

I am sorry, Your Highness,

I was just waiting
for my biorhythms to settle.

Jodie, I can't let you
go through with this.

I don't think
we have much choice.

Save it.

Are you ready, Number ?

Yes, Your Highness.

Uh, how come he gets
the wind at his back?

[GROWLS]

It's okay, it's okay.

You can have the wind.

Uh, hold it.
I lost a contact.

Enough of this.

Let the fight begin.

Aah!

[GROWLS]

Okay, pal, come
to Brooklyn, all right.

One time, here you go!

It worked!

The Vulcan neck pinch.

Thank you, Star Trek!

Scotty, beam us outta here!

Mr. Dallas,
I am impressed.

You are obviously
more resourceful

than Carol had told us.

I know why you are here.

Listen.

You can keep Carol.

All I want is my daughter.

What you want
is of no consequence.

Your daughter is being trained

to become a ninja empress.

She will stay here
and live with our warriors.

As for you,
that is another story.

Hold it right there!

Just hold on one second.

Now, we know the baby
is on the second floor,

and we want her.

You are foolish

to think you can b*at the ninja

with conventional weapons.

Well, I don't think
you understand.

See, this g*n is loaded,
and I can k*ll you.

And when you do,

my men will swarm on you
like the Cubans on Miami.

Maggie, give him the g*n.

I'm sorry, Jodie.

Take them to the dungeon!

ANNOUNCER:
Now that Jodie and Maggie

have been locked up
in a dungeon forever,

are they upset,
and did they remember

to bring a change of clothes?

Since El Puerco has told Jessica

that he fools around
with other women

to stop himself
from fooling around with her,

will Jessica
start fooling around?

Will they ever fool around
with each other?

Now that Mary has told Chester
that he is Danny's real father,

will Chester find it
in his heart

to give Danny his kidney?

These questions and many others
will be answered

in the next episode of Soap.

[♪]