04x12 - Episode 12

[bunniefuu]

ANNOUNCER:
This is the story of two sisters,

Jessica Tate

and Mary Campbell.

These are the Tates,

and these are the Campbells.

And this is Soap.

[ALL CLAMORING]

[♪]

[WHIRS]

Oh!

Jess.

Oh! Mary.

Good.

Look what I'm making us.

Some little drinks
with umbrellas.

I need the practice.

I had this the other night
at a Polynesian restaurant,

and I stabbed my lip
with a toothpick

and shoved an umbrella
up my nose.

Jess, you know
I would never hurt you.

Never ever.

Of course not, Mary.

I know you'd never shove
an umbrella up my nose.

You'd probably take it out.

I mean, intentionally hurt you.

Of course not.

Except for that one time
you shoved me out of the tree

when I was years old.

And we've always had
each other, no matter what.

Anyway, I deserved to be
pushed out of the tree

because I'd put a spider
in your Jell-O

before it Jell-O'd,
remember?

And you were eating away.

[LAUGHS]

It's been the most important
thing in my life, Jess,

that you've always
been there for me,

and I've always
been there for you.

Mm-hm.

And it would k*ll me, Jess,

if what I'm about
to tell you changed that.

But I have to tell you.
You have to know.

You know Danny was sh*t.

I know that, Mary.

It happened in my house.

And he was sh*t in the kidneys.

The kidneys.

Thank God it wasn't
the heart or the brain,

where there's only one.

He was sh*t in
two kidneys, Jess.

I see.

And what about the rest?

The rest of what?

Of his kidneys.

He only has two.

Oh, I'm sorry, Mary.

That's all anyone has.

Really?

I thought there were more.

When I used to buy
beef kidneys for Fluffy,

it always came
a whole bunch in a package.

No, Jess, we only have two...

and Danny was sh*t in both.

And now he needs a new kidney.

Oh, Mary, where are you
going to get one?

Well, uh, from a donor, Jess.

That's what I've come
to talk to you about.

Oh, well.

Well, you've got it, Mary.

Take mine. Either.
Both of them.

They're yours.

You take my kidneys.
I'll get my coat.

No, Jess.
He can't use yours.

Now, Mary,

I know it's a woman's kidney,

but you have to tell Danny
nobody will ever know.

It'll be on the inside.

No one will ever
be able to tell.

No, Jess.
We have a donor.

The only donor that we can use.

Um...

Danny's father.

Mary, sit down.
Now...

Mary, I...

I know that you've been
under a lot of strain.

I know you're tired, Mary.

Mary, Danny's father is dead.

No, Jess.

Danny's father is Chester.

Chester?

"Chester," Chester?

You mean, the Chester I know?

It happened before
you were married.

Before you were
even going together.

You and Chester?

I'm so sorry, Jess.

And you never told me.

You got married.

I didn't want to hurt you.

I couldn't find a good reason
to tell you

and... risk hurting you.

What good would have come of it?

[SIGHS]

Ooh!

You and Chester.

I should have told you.

I can't believe it.

Oh, Jess...

please don't be angry with me.

All these years,
and you never told me.

Practically our whole lives.

I trusted you with everything.

With all my thoughts
and my most private fears.

And you knew everything
about my marriage,

when my marriage
was everything in my life.

When I let you know

every corner of my soul, and...

Oh.

You kept it from me.

You sat there listening
and knowing that.

Oh, Mary.

I feel so totally,
totally betrayed.

I don't know.

[SOBS]

[LAUGHS]

Hi, honey.

Hi, Ma.
How you doing?

Okay.

Mwah.

Mm.

The doctor says
you're doing just fine.

You just need a lot of rest...

and a new kidney,
but other than that...

A kidney?

A whole kidney?

Yeah.

But I have a kidney.

Well, no.

You had a kidney.

Actually, you had two.

And now you don't have any.

Do I really need one?

It helps.

So what are they gonna do,

just... put one in?

Well, that's what I wanted to
talk to you about.

Uh...

someone is gonna
donate one of theirs.

Blech!

You mean, they're gonna put

someone else's kidney
in my body?

Yeah.

Whose?

Uh, Mary.

Mary, how much longer?

I'm in the -minute zone.

If I'm giving up a kidney,
I don't want to get a ticket.

Wait, wait, wait.
Wait a minute.

Ma, Chester?

Uh...

You're the donor?

She didn't tell you?

Uh, I was about to.

All right, Chester,
why are you doing it?

What's in it for you?

In it for me?

There's nothing in it for me.

It's for you.

Without a kidney,

you'll eventually die.

And if I'm the only one
that can prevent that,

well, I... kind of
have to.

And if I die, well,
then I'll die knowing

that I d*ed in order for
you to live.

Of course, that won't mean
a lot to me after I'm dead.

Feeling better today?

Oh, great. Tiptop.
King of the hill!

Nurse, please, don't let them
take my kidney, please!

Chester!

Ahem.

Sorry.

A little preoperative hysteria.

I'm fine.

I don't want
your kidney, Chester.

Oh! Well,
we tried, Mary.

I'll be in the gift shop...

Stay, Chester!

Danny, there is
a very good reason

why you're new kidney
has to come from Uncle Chester.

But I don't even like him.

Why can't I have one of Burt's?

We both drink light beer.

Because Danny...
Because...

Be...

cause.

Um... well, because Danny, um...

you need the kidney
of a blood relative.

Well, so that means you can't.

Why not Jodie?

Well, someone like your father.

Close.

Don't talk about my father.

He's dead.

He was a crook and a m*rder*r,
and he's dead.

Well, it's two out of three.

Um...

Danny...

I'm your daddy.

[LAUGHS]

Ow. Oh.
Don't.

Danny, don't laugh,

because if you break
a spleen or something,

you're on your own.

I draw the line at organs
I don't have an abundance of.

Shh!

Oh, what a sense of humor.

[LAUGHS
UNCOMFORTABLY]

Ma, is he serious?

It's a long story.

I...
Well...

I don't believe it.

You see, I don't either.

Now, there's
two people right there.

So let's not rush into something
we'll all be sorry about later.

Mary, coffee shop.

Oh!

Danny, would you
like a Snickers?

Sit, Chester.

Danny, it's true.

It was a long time ago,
but it's true.

Chester's my father?

The person I respect the least
in the whole world

has my chromotons.

You think I'm overjoyed?

Could you leave me alone?

Both of you.

Danny, I know that
you're confused,

and you probably
hate me right now.

What do you want me to do, Ma?

Jump out of bed,

kiss him and call him Daddy?

Danny...
Please!

Get out.

Danny, you don't have
to forgive me, ever...

but there's...
one big reason

why you could
never hate Chester.

Why?

He gave me you.

[♪]

Yeah, no, Mare.

Please, I'm fine.
Just, how is Danny?

Will you stop with the powder?

What's the matter with you?

Come on, Mare, please.

I mean, does the kidney fit?

Is he...? What?
Is he...?

Lips? What's
with the lips?

Leave me alone, pal.

Yeah.

No, sorry.
No, Mare, not you.

I got some...
I got a clown over here.

Mare... please,
is everything okay?

You sure?

Mary, I'm fine, really.

Listen...

Yeah, I'm gonna be
on with the governor here.

Yeah, all right.
I'll tell him.

I'll tell him.
I'll tell him.

All right, Mare.
Listen, listen.

I love you, all right?

And you tell Danny I love him.

And everybody else over there,

you tell them I love them,
all right?

And listen, Mare...
when you see me on TV,

don't be shocked, all right?

I'm wearing lipstick.

What is it?

What are you doing with me here?

Who am I, Barbra Streisand?

I'm gonna meet
the governor here with mascara?

Get away from me.

Hey, Sheriff,

I'm Morty Stevens, the director.

Welcome to the news.

I'd like you to meet
Governor Rodenbach.

Governor, I am...
Hello, hi, sir. This is...

My wife says hello.

You're a heck of a guy,
Campbell.

Is that the way you
pronounce it, "Campbell"?

Uh, yes, sir.

So the "p" is silent,

like the "k" in Kn*fe.

Yes, sir.

That's very confusing,
a "p" in Campbell.

I don't understand that.

Well, thank you, sir.

This is our anchorman,
Philip Glen Smith.

Congratulations, Sheriff.

This is probably
the biggest crime bust

since they captured h*tler.

You know, I don't think
they ever captured him.

Of course, we'll be
asking the questions.

Now, Sheriff,
what's your first name? Bart?

No, that's Burt.

Burt.
Bart would been better.

Governor, what do you think?

Bart's got more bite.
Yeah.

Bart, Bart.
See what I mean.

Well, my mother thought
it was a little ostentatious.

Too much bite.

Should be more
Oldie West-y.

Like... Black Bart.

Excuse me, sir.

Think that's too much of a bite?

Excuse me.

My kid's in the hospital.

So I'd like to get
this over with.

Let's just leave it Burt.

Okay, Burt,

now, run it by me once,

exactly how you
captured these guys.

And don't skimp on the action.

Well, I exchanged some g*nf*re
with some of the bodyguards.

No good.

No good?

The g*n is too ordinary.

We have to accent the bat.

You did have a bat, right?

Yeah.

Bat, Bat.
There we go.

Bat Campbell.

Bat. I like it.
Burt, you like Bat?

[MUTTERING]

This bat is no good.

It doesn't work.
This is little league.

Props, get me another bat.

We need a bigger bat
for Burt here.

That's my bat.
He took my bat!

Bart.

No it's Burt, not Bart.

Burt.
Bring the bat back, please.

We want to play up the bat.
And forget about the g*n.

But that's not
what really happened.

Burty, baby, this is
the news, show biz.

I need the ratings.

PRODUCER:
Standby, in seconds.

Places, everybody.

Burt. Burt.
Here.

The gov's over there.

Now, speak up,

and always watch
the cameras with the red lights, huh?

PRODUCER:
Ten seconds.

All right, let's do it.

PRODUCER:
Five, four, three, two...

[DRAMATIC INTRO PLAYS]

ANNOUNCER:
It's On the Spot News

with anchorman
Philip Glen Smith.

And now, here's Philip.

Thank you and welcome to
On the Spot News.

On the spot is
the governor of our state

and Sheriff Bart Campbell,

who single-handedly
made the largest

organized crime bust
of the century.

Sheriff Campbell,
tell us how you did it.

I hit him.

Yes, he struck a blow
for America

and sent organized crime
crashing to the canvas.

Uh, no, no.

I was just doing my job.

Just doing my job.

An American man following
the American dream.

A man possessed by an anger,
by a passion.

Wait a minute. Guys...

A man who dared go

where no man had gone before.

Excuse me.

Making our land
a greater place to live. Sir.

With pioneer wisdom
and one lone baseball bat,

he marched into
a veritable snake pit.

And there with God
and raw courage on his side.

Excuse me, Governor.

Let me say.
That's not what happened.

Thank you, Sheriff.

No, wait a minute.

Wait a minute, here.

It's just...
It's very simple.

It just that sooner or later

everybody's gonna have to
stand up and protect their own.

I mean, people are gonna
have to learn.

They're gonna say no,
you can't take this from me.

Or no, you may not
do that to me.

And when people find out
it's up to them to say no,

then they have to make a choice.

I chose to say no.

There's no big deal here,
there's no courage.

It's just that somebody
hurt my kid, my family.

And you can't let people
go around hurting you

or your family, so you don't...

I gotta go.

I got...
My kid's in the hospital.

I gotta go see him.
Excuse me.

[MIKE REVERBERATES]

Ladies and gentlemen,

you heard it here.

The answer pure and simple:

A modest man saying no.

That's right, Philip.

Should men like this
be limited by local office?

No.

Men like this have too much
to give our country.

And that is why I have chosen
that brave human being

to head my w*r on crime.

At last, a man who says no.

Sheriff Bat Campell.

Coming up next,
our special segment:

schooling...

and why it's a good thing.

[DRAMATIC MUSIC]

Okay, here we are.

We'll be back in a minute
to knock you boys out.

Well, so much for
bedside manner.

Hello.

Yeah.

What are you writing?

My will.

Oh.

Do you spell bequeath
with a "c" or a "k"?

Uh, what are you bequeathing?

My guitar.

I didn't know you played guitar.

I've had it for years.

Huh. It's funny
learning things

about someone
you've known a long time.

We've found out a lot
about each other.

You play the guitar.

I'm your father.

You gave it to me.

I did?

Christmas, .

Oh!

Who are you willing it to?

You.

Hey, it's the least I can do.

After all,
you're giving me a kidney.

Yeah.
Thanks.

The thing is, I gotta
put a rider on it

saying that if you die,
it goes to your next of kin,

which is me.

Boy, legal red tape,
I'm telling you.

I'm... finding it real hard

to believe that
you're my father.

Yeah, well, believe me,
I find it hard to believe too.

We don't look anything alike.

Oh, my God.

What?

I have to go to the bathroom.

I don't believe it.

They're taking out a kidney,
and I have to go the bathroom.

Boy, when it rains, it pours.

Chester.

Chester, try and relax.

They're gonna be
wheeling us in soon.

[WHIMPERS]

One kidney.
I'll have one kidney.

That's all you need.

Oh, really,
Dr. Schweitzer?

That's what Dr. Art Ulene
said on the Today Show.

One kidney
is like having one lip.

Mm.

Come on.
Don't complain.

I'm only gonna have one too.

Yeah, mine.

What happens
if I need it sometime?

I'll give it back to you.

What will you do
with no kidneys?

I won't drink.

That'll help.

What if I start
to develop your habits?

What if I turn into you?

This isn't a brain transplant,
you idiot.

How old were you
when you started balding?

I'm not balding.

I'm gonna have a scar.

Scar, psssh.

You could die on the table.

Nurse! Nurse!

Chester, relax.

You're getting hysterical.

Hysterical, me?

I'm not hysterical.
I'm perfectly calm.

I am being
extraordinarily composed

during this time
of enormous stress...

Stress that would
probably k*ll a lesser man.

I spit at danger.

Ha. I laugh at pain.

Bring on the doctors.

Let them do their worst.
Ha, ha.

Showtime.

Ah! No!
No, no!

Mommy, mommy, mommy.

We're gonna have to
put you out now, guys.

Uh, you're gonna put
that needle in

and then tell me to count
backwards from ,

aren't you?

It won't work.
I can't be put out.

It won't flow through my veins.

I swear to God.

Chester.

What?

Good luck.

Oh.

Good luck.

Okay, now...
once I put the needle in,

you'll feel
a little warmth in your chest.

This isn't going to work.
Believe me.

It's no use.

I won't go under.

It's a complete waste of time.

Nobody's ever been able
to put me out.

Ask my dentist.

You're gonna be
very embarrassed.

Now, count.

BOTH:
One hundred.

Ninety-nine.

[♪]

ANNOUNCER: Now that Burt's heroism
has made him a celebrity,

will he continue to fight crime,

or will he want
his own television series?

What will be the outcome
of Danny's operation?

Will his body accept
Chester's kidney?

Will Chester's kidney
accept Danny's body?

And what about the two sisters?

Will Jessica ever forgive Mary?

Will Mary ever forgive herself?

Or will her shocking confession

destroy the Tates
and Campbells forever?

These questions and many others

will be answered in
the next episode of Soap.

[♪]